How often do you get to see your H?
Anyhoo, my boyfriend and I currently live about fifteen minutes apart and spend time together maybe 4-5 days a week. We've been together a little over a year and his ONS happened last July.
I'm leaving in mid-June for summer school in Norway immediately followed by fall semester in France, so I will be gone for a total of six months. R has been going relatively well so far but I have never had a LDR so I already have no idea how to approach this. Rebuilding trust and keeping this relationship healthy just sounds impossible when we will be 5000 miles apart. He tells me he is afraid I will cheat on him and while I try to assure him that I have tunnel vision when it comes to him, they are just words. He also tells me that he's afraid I will constantly be afraid that he's cheating on me again.
We've agreed to exchange emails, texts, even letters, and set up webcams for skype, but are there any other little things we can do for each other to show our dedication to this relationship?
1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?
I now live 800 miles from where he lives and works. We don't see each other on any regular basis. I've told him that this situation can not continue. I need companionship, not just phone calls and e-mails.
2. Where you LD when the affair happened?
No. We lived together he was just never home. He used work and travel as excuses when he was actually with his employee/OW. It turns out he was with her almost all the time, work and pleasure.
3. Is being LD normal for you?
Absolutely not. He has always done a fair amount of traveling with his job, but that didn't bother me. I always knew I would see him soon. Now? Who knows.
4. Do you have kids?
Yes, two adult sons. One on his own, also long distance, the other in College close to me.
5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
WH had a long term affair with employee/co-worker. Three weeks of MC and WH said he didn't want to be in any relationship and couldn't live with me and the "constant inspection" anymore.
I moved back close to family thinking that was it. He supposedly had a change of mind shortly after I bought a house here. We took turns going back and forth for awhile. Then a surprise visit led to my discovery that he wasn't by himself at all! He never left the OW. He was cake eating BIGTIME!
I haven't been back since but OW left him when she found out he's a lying, cheating, bastard (DUH! What did you think he was doing to me with you stupid!)
6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?
Distance and his state of mind. He thinks he wants to be free, but he's afraid of losing his family and says he does still love me.
He won't do anything permanent until he "finds" himself.
Wants to keep what we have until then. We have a mediator and I've signed all of the necessary paperwork. So, the balls in his court, so to speak.
Tried 180 and it worked so well he hopped on a plane and came to see me because he couldn't live "like this" anymore, worrying about me all the time.
Now we're right back where we started. Limbo.
7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?
I thought so. I certainly did everything in my power to make him happy. Problem is I didn't demand the same from him. MC pointed out that I was much more invested in the marriage because I had put all the work into it. I guess that was pretty stupid of me but I didn't know any better. That's the way my parents marriage was and they are still together today.
[This message edited by Sicofitall at 4:11 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]
2nd DD 1/13/08
DD #3 9/21/08
I am less suicidal than last week, but not very optimistic that I can overcome this deep despair that I am in.
I am going to go with him next week and see if that will help. Maybe more "face time" is what I need right now.
Ain't that the truth.
I just had a melt-down last night. I am sick and fucking tired of being lonely. I've had a LDM for 16 years--SIXTEEN YEARS! The kids used to keep me company and kind of "salved" over my loneliness, but they are getting older and would rather be with friends than me any day.
I just feel like I have no one. And I am tired of it. When he is here, it's great. But it's just not often enough.
I feel like I've been cheated in more ways than one. I never did get the partnership and companionship that I was seeking. Will I ever have it?
I know what you mean about the loneliness when FWH is away. Both of my kids are grown up and live in their own homes now. They don't know about the A so I can't talk to them about why I feel so lonely and nervous. They also don't know that I have been suicidal and that I am still struggling with staying in this world. I think I stay for them, but the pain is too much to bear day to day. Some days I feel better and wonder why I felt I couldn't make it, but the bad days out number the good lately.
I've been off SI for a couple of weeks because I've had a bunch of stuff going on in my real life!
I am worried about you. Are you in counseling? How far away do your kids live from you? Would you ever talk to them about it?
Please let me know how you are doing.
We'll be apart until I can get a job where she is at. Which will hopefully be no later than fall.
We see eachother at least once/ month. A happened when we didn't see eachother in Jan/Feb, but her feelings had been building since fall 07
Yes, but we weren't as emotionally attached as we should have been before she moved.
Only since Aug. 07, and I've hated every fucking day of it.
4. Do you have kids?
She moved to VA. to pursue a phd in August 07, I had a good job, with benefits, and wanted her to have health care, so I've been looking for an equal job down there since she moved. Another guy moved in on her, undercut me, she became convinced that we were doomed, so she let her feelings for him get out of control. She kissed him, had alot of guilt, confessed in Feb, reconciling since. We both want it to work, but I have too much pain and don't want to constantly remind her of her guilt, so I came her to rant, read and reflect.
Location, location, location. We are reconciling, but it is slow. She sometimes wants to let me go so she won't cause me any more pain. Every day is a new day.
In retrospect, we were artificially happy. I have always loved her, but we treated eachother like roommate's with benefits more than as husband and wife. I guarantee she never would have strayed if not for the LD, but we would have had a late in life divorce. At least now, we can decide while we are still young.
Which is very helpful.
My H will be in town (funny, I think of him being home as him "visiting") next week. Everyone cross your fingers for a nice visit and no meltdowns!
Well I am still here and now that the stressful d-days are over I am not nearly as depressed. I am in IC and also doing EMDR for PTSD. I am on AD's anti anxiety meds and sleeping pills. Plus I have high blood pressure due to the stress and I am on meds for that.
The distance is a huge factor in the stalling of my progress. I need him in front of me so that I can see his eyes when he answers my questions. It is easier to deceive on the cell phone. I don't have a reason to believe he is lying, but looking someone in the eyes makes it a little more difficult.
I haven't felt suicidal for about 2 weeks now. I truly never thought I could feel a little better, but I do. I have a new grandson who was born on June 8, and he is my reason for living right now. I look forward to the days I can see him and connect with him. I did tell my daughter about the A, because she was suspicious regarding my behavior. It helped to let her know, I don't have to put on the act all of the time now when I just can't do it.
She is really angry with him for doing this to me, and she just started talking to him in the last few weeks. She has not forgiven him, but then I haven't either.
Thanks for the PM's, I really appreciate your interest.
Let us all know how the EMDR goes. I've heard about it, but would like to know more about the procedure and how it may or may not help.
Big hugs to all of us in this shitty situation!!!! Long distance stinks!
I am up at the cabin this week for a few days alone. FWH is over the road until Friday and then he will join me. This has been a big trigger for me, because he started his A right after we bought this place. And, he called me her name during sex in that bed. I have wanted to sell it, but my IC wants me to try to work through it. The first day was hard. Crying, anger, accusations, etc. The second day was much better, and on the 5th day I am doing very well on my own up here. I think that EMDR has helped with that, but facing the trigger has been good for me.
My FWH is trying very hard to make things right between us and has never refused to accept blame for what he did to the marriage. It is a long road to reconciliation, but at least I am on the "right" road now. I still hate that he is gone, but we hope we can change that in the future. If you want more info on EMDR pm me.
Hollow promises--I have some basic info on EMDR--just wanted to know if it has helped!