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User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
leanne27
♀ Member
Member # 14415
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, June 22nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost feel like a lonely little Petulia in an onion patch! Things are a bit quiet in this thread, no problem.

I am feeling much more confident, but I am scared to actually believe that WH is genuine. I don't want to endure the disappointment if he is playing me for a fool.

At the moment he is finally giving me what I want. theanswers to my questions. Putting up with my vile, but accurate descriptions of the OW.

I am certainly feeling more happy with the way things are progressing but scared at the same time, in case he is cake eating.

HOwever tonight he kept repeating that it was me that he wanted and loved, and I wasn't being particularly nice about everything.,

The problem is that if he is stringing me along I don't know if I can possibly deal with it all??

He is dealing with his own lies, admitting them. He is reaffirming that he loves me and wants me back every time I go on a rant about the OW.

Problem is that I am scared to be confident. I have told WH this and he says that time will show me that he is genuine. Who knows, I don't think that I could take another knock if I truly believe that he is genuine


me bs married 9 years
together 10 1/2

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: australia
TearInYourHand
♀ Member
Member # 14193
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Leanne - Been having some of the same fears myself which I suspect is all a part of the rock R road. This is all new to be too.

I would consider my BF and I to be in R for over a month now, and he's been persistent in reassuring me even when Im less than nice about things.

Its reassuring to some extent, and then I start wondering if it will end up being false R or if stuff is already going on that I dont know about. I believe him to be in total NC - maybe thats damn foolish...

I dont want to EVER be overconfident, overly trusting, ever again. He doesnt deserve it. All trust from this point on must be earned. Period! BF asked me dont I have hope I will be more trusting in the future.. that question pissed me off for some reason.. oh well.

Last time we saw each other I flew down there to visit him in May. We ended up walking in the mall and ended up spotting OW, which was the first time Id caught a glimpse in person. Well I wasnt sure at first but ever since DDay Im constantly on the look out for fat nasty white trash when Im down there.. bleh. Anyway she was definitely nothing impressive, was talking on her cell phone laughing and looking stupid.. BF whispered to me that he thought we just passed her. I guess I should have been grateful that he told me because he admitted he was really "embarassed" to even tell me. I felt angry and told him exactly what I thought of that whore, just how fucking nasty and lowly she looked in person.. I just wanted him to agree. Somehow it ended up in a fight between us .. All I wanted for him was to admit she was a piece of trash that would never hold a fucking flame to me.. I wanted him to be admit what trash she was.

I ended up saying angry things along the lines of "Geez if shes what you go for then any woman is good enough for you." Anyone who pays my little boy of a BF attention can win his dick..

Just venting.. I feel a bit more confident these days too about us but also more fearful about how real things really are.


35 - FBSO
“Integrity has no need of rules.”

Posts: 956 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Maryland.
leanne27
♀ Member
Member # 14415
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, June 24th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh, I don't know how I would react if the OW was in physical distance of me! I would have to have run after her and have a few choice words to say!

How horrible, impossible not to walk out of that situation without picking a fight! I feel very sorry for you, but really it is positive that your BF told you.

I am just having a bad day, didn't sleep well last night so have pummelled WH with awkward questions, including how many times they would have sex over the weekend (as they only saw each other on a weekend).

He answered all my more reasonable questions up to this point and now he has gone quiet! Typical, or perhaps he is in a meeting, I won't know!

I am not sure if I have made a mistake but I think I would like him to join this site but not to look for me. I have amended some posts in case he does check me out. He isn't likely to come in here until at least Friday.

I do think that he should get some support in the WS forum and hopefully some 2 x 4's if he tries any gas lighting or woe is me stories.

haven't done it yet but most likely will.


me bs married 9 years
together 10 1/2

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: australia
TearInYourHand
♀ Member
Member # 14193
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 24th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually the OW in my last post was actually OW#2. I feel she is utter trash, and not worth my effort. Although for their company New Year's party part of me really hoped to see her so I could smash in her fat face.

But the worst experience was OW#1, who was his friend's wife. We were at a scifi/comic convention and kept running into them with his friend that we were with (his friend knew nothing at the time). The first time she saw me and probably my hateful look she turned and walked straight away. But later we were all outside of the convention center.. staying apart but I kept staring at OW#1 and her husband. I was frozen between too chicken to do anything and closing those few meters separating us and beat the shit out of her and yell nasty things about her to her husband.

As it turned out I would have made a fool of myself because at the time I didnt even know it was a PA.. Imagine.. me calling her a whore for kissing and pursuing my BF when they actually fucked and HE pursued her intially. I ended up crying in front of many bystanders and refusing to leave the convention center until something was "done". BF called me childish and actually left me there alone..

Sometimes I still think about what to do about OW#1 and OW#2. Neither are worth my energy but I feel it would make me feel better if they had to suffer a bit of what I have.

1 week after that convention, my bf heard from his friend that OW#1 is finally getting divorce. I suspect it was due to her A with my BF since he was at times less than discrete about it... as far as cheating with friends' wives go anyway.. Part of me is glad if she did actually get divorced, other part of me wishes she was still stuck in that marriage and the hell of trying to make it work. Instead she lives minutes from my BF's parents' home.. I start worrying every time he goes there.

I havent thought about inviting my BF to join here,dont think Im ready to but Ive relayed some of the experiences and insights Ive read from here. Maybe it would turn out to be good especially for LDR, maybe being a safe common haven to get some understanding and communication. It also bridges the time difference for you and lets him respond or communicate on his own time.

On the other hand, I would definitely lose SI as a safe place to go to.

Something my BF and I had started some time back were blogs for each other. We have let that fall through the cracks but hope to get back to that some day.

If he does join, I hope it works out positively.

[This message edited by TearInYourHand at 8:43 PM, June 24th (Sunday)]


35 - FBSO
“Integrity has no need of rules.”

Posts: 956 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Maryland.
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 25th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cant we try to work this out? I am willing to try to meet your needs, but this ultimatum with you basically demanding to wire tap my phone is hard for me to deal with right now. I do want to try to figure out how we can do this, but I can't try to start over fresh with your foot on my neck.

incrisis--I am just now getting to this post of yours and your H's email.

Geez--does he exaggerate just a bit? Have you demanded to wire tap his phone? Or just have access to his call records? BIG difference.

I think alot of wandering spouses get like this when any sort of transparency or accountability is asked for. What does it show if they are not willing to give it? I am avoiding the answer to that question myself!!!

The problem is that if he is stringing me along I don't know if I can possibly deal with it all??

leanne27--I think we are all much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Also think it is better TO KNOW the truth and suffer than to be in the dark and ignorant. My personal opinion, of course. Hang in there. Things sound hopeful.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LDRs, how and whre is everyone? I know I've been pretty scarce myself. Someone had PMed to ask how I was and I said mostly too pathetic to post about it. But today is a "good" day so I thought I'd post a--still fairly pathetic--update.

What I've been struggling with recently is how could he have forgotten so much of who we were? And why did I ever just accept it as "normal"?

H and I are still most likely on the path to S and D, but I think letting go is turning out to be good for me after all. There is still a lot of crap going on but if nothing else, signs of the H I thought he was are emerging.

H has still been saying he doesn't want D and that he wanted us to move together and "start fresh," but he wasn't NC with OW. He was in decreasing C, but then when we'd hit a rough spot, which was a lot for awhile there, he'd pick up the convo with her again. I told him that wasn't starting fresh, that was SSDD, and I want no part of it.

In recent weeks, I've been able to look at the M with more detachment and once I gave up on pushing for him to remember "us" and deriding him for not being able to, I finally was able to see how far afield H had really gone these last few years. That it was the M that wasn't. That there wasn't enough of my "H" left for him to realize what he seemed willing to give up, and how much damage he had done to the relationship. Because he wasn't in it. But he thought he was my H and I thought he was my H, and so we were both using H and M constructs to assess his/our satisfaction/dissatisfaction with the M. Only he hadn't been an H, so the psychology of that doesn't necessarily apply. I had told him in one of our more calm discussions some months ago that he didn't realize how far detached he'd really become from the family and his role in it.

Now H has the kids for 2.5 weeks since last Tuesday. I took them to him and came home Thursday morning. Sort of a visitation that's not a visitation. He's bringing them back in two weeks and staying with them for another week while I travel for work.

Three nights ago, on the phone, he came clean on some other stuff that he had been minimizing. He is still being what I would say is fairly open and honest about the As and the LTOW. Mostly because I keep pushing the issue, but once I bring things up he goes above the minimum in discussing it. I was talking to a GF earlier who knows we're on the rocks but not exactly why (the distance factor covers a wealth of skeletons for us), "Boy, you guys are brutal," she said. I said you don't know the half of it. But yes, we've got brutal honesty and then some here, and for the most part I think it comes out better for it after each storm.

So the night after, I told him that, while it was time to tell the kids something re: S and D when we're all together again later this month if we aren't headed towards R (which is fine),...it was okay if he just wanted to come home when his contract is up this fall. We could try to regroup and figure things out together. He took that at face value, not as a threat or an "ante up" challenge or anything because it wasn't one. Just that is the crossroads we are at and I am in a place now where either option is okay. I have been afraid to expose the kids to this but now I am more afraid for them to feel we lied to them down the road. The "one day soon" family scenarios have been a part of our daily convos for so long now and I was getting sick each time something came up. WH had always minimized this as well when I used that as an argument, but just in the couple of days I was there dropping them off, dd and older ds BOTH said something that led to very pregnant silences. I can't play the game anymore, and I think he finally got it too. He hadn't seen them since March so again...it's just not been real to him and so the effect of what he was doing wasn't real either.

I never got involved in the discussion before about some of us making our WH feel "less than," but there has definitely been an element of that in our M, at times more than others. Justifiably? Perhaps. But it doesn't help regardless, nor excuse the As. But I think the further afield WH has gone, even before dday, the more he felt that the only way he could come back home was with a grand gesture/success. I never really felt that way but I also never just told him it was okay if he came home the way he left. Not that it would be because he has made some great career strides these years, but the payoff is still dangling at the end of the stick so it would feel the same to him.

Anyway, he really seemed to appreciate that, for all of the character assassination he thinks I do of him sometimes. He often says that he thinks I don't want him around anyway, faithful or no, and has done for a long time.

Whether in emotional self-defense, to justify the As, or just because I truly AM that annoying, WH had in turn revised our history. Characteristics of mine that he supposedly ALWAYS hated, and ALWAYS irked him. The little stuff that in a loving M, you look upon as the quirks and foibles that make your partner your partner. So why'd you ever marry me then, I ask when he gets going like this.

One of those things is my voice. It did not used to be uncommon for people to ask for my parent when I answer the phone, and my mom has mistaken me for my oldest son (now 10, and younger at the time) on several occasions. I guess sounding 6yo is not sexy when one nags.

This morning H called me to tell me how he successfully got the kids to camp and daycare this morning all on his own, and himself to work. He sounded somewhat surprised by how much he was enjoying having them with him and being Dad. He has been Dad when he's been home, but mostly only Fun Dad. It's always a vacation or break for him and not part of his "real life." And since it's on "my" territory, I make all the plans and he doesn't have to do much of anything, and the kids and I have our own little groove that goes on whether he's there or not. Not much opportunity for accomplishment or healthy validation or feeling part of the team for him. (Yes, he could have chosen to integrate himself more anyway, but instead he replaced it with something else entirely, but I digress...)

But this he did on his own. He found their camps and daycare. He made the arrangements. He is getting them there, he is doing the substituting his lunch hour for a trip to go get their lunch since he didn't realize they needed to bring their own. (hee)

I think the last few days with them he is already realizing how much he has NOT been Dad, far more effectively and more positively than all of my nagging could ever have done. How far removed from the family he really was and that his insistence to the contrary was faulty. And despite what I ever said, I am just now realizing the extent of it too. And how much ground we have to recover, M or D, in order to do right by our kids.

And the kicker was, before we got off the phone, he said that he liked talking to me and hearing my voice. That he missed it. That it was cute. And sexy. And I FINALLY remembered that that was true. That that is what he used to say about it, way back when. I had forgotten myself. He did use to tease me for it, but lovingly, not hurtfully. Deep inside I knew it wasn't true but whenever he said these things I could never remember what the real truth was. I could only remember the bad stuff.

I have always thought I was so smart but I was completely oblivious. It is all so painful to face. But also liberating. It's good to know you're not crazy, and that you're not really such a drag to be around.

And I am glad to see H stepping up as their dad. That was part of what he was telling me too. "So there--in your face." I had insinuated that he couldn't or wouldn't do it and that he would engage in some of his bad habits around them. (Though there's still time! <--See, bad me, still doing it.) He wanted me to know he was fine and why do I always think the worst of him. But he himself was bemused by it so I told him you had the same doubts about yourself, Mr. "I am a bad, bad man." Of course I thought/hoped he could be a good guy but I thought that before and obviously I've been so wrong on so much now that I make no more assumptions about him. I am glad to have him prove me wrong on this issue.

So, anyway, that is my update. Mostly I have been just strugging along here, trying to do me stuff and focusing on taking the unwanted but necessary steps to protect the kids and myself from any bad judgment he may use.

We may still be beyond R, as he is still not preferentially monogamous, but I'd like to think we are at least getting closer to healthy co-parenting. We have been able to start discussing the S and D option a little again without the rancor of a few months ago.


But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

And miles to go before I sleep...still slogging through.

How are you guys?


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only he hadn't been an H, so the psychology of that doesn't necessarily apply. I had told him in one of our more calm discussions some months ago that he didn't realize how far detached he'd really become from the family and his role in it.

God...I can so relate to that.

He hadn't seen them since March so again...it's just not been real to him and so the effect of what he was doing wasn't real either.

Amen. Totally get that, too.

Well, it sounds like progress is being made. Being able to healthily co-parent is important. And who knows what might happen when his contract is up? You are at a crossroads and that's how life is when you are at one--you can go one way or completely the opposite direction!

Things are good here--I think. Still not enough time together. Getting really tired of that. I've been in a ldm for as long as we've been married--I've been thinking a bit about why it is just now starting to bother me. And this is it:

When we've been apart pre-dDay, I never really was lonely. Because even though he was physically absent, he was still present in me, in my heart. Since dday, I no longer feel that constant presence and when he is gone, he feels really gone--because I know what can happen then.

Now my lonely is positively gut-wrenching.

Take care all. Let's get this thread going again!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we've been apart pre-dDay, I never really was lonely. Because even though he was physically absent, he was still present in me, in my heart. Since dday, I no longer feel that constant presence and when he is gone, he feels really gone--because I know what can happen then.

Now my lonely is positively gut-wrenching.

And amen to that. Only change it to I know what IS happening. He isn't physically with her, but still very much EA as far as I'm concerned. He says it's all just casual chit-chat (via text messaging), but he can't let go.

I'm not feeling nearly as well as I was yesterday. And that wasn't even very good, just pragmatic. Today everything hurts again.

Was going to say more but it all just sounds too pathetic to post again, so I'm deleting.


Ugh. I hate this.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He isn't physically with her, but still very much EA as far as I'm concerned. He says it's all just casual chit-chat (via text messaging), but he can't let go.

I am a firm believer that if there is contact, there can be no reconciliation. Cake-eater par excellence!

Hope you perk up today! Go do something nice for yourself. Enjoy the time without kiddos!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
maelstrom
New Member
Member # 15281
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 14th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found this section of the forum and am amazed to find so many people in the same sinking ship as me. Throw us a lifeline somebody!

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

Usually a week or two at most. Since he's been infatuated with OW three weeks. WS used to come home every weekend but the travelling fly/drive was killing him slowly.


2. Were you LD when the affair happened? Yes, but we'd been together as a family in the other country for 9 months previous.

3. Is being LD normal for you? Yes. Either we go as a family together or he goes alone. He says it's too expensive to take 3 kids overseas now with cost of schooling etc. Maybe it would just cramp his style too much though.

4. Do you have kids? Yes. 2 daughters, 1 son all under 10 yrs old.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI? Trying to find a forum for ME. Somewhere that wasn't judgemental but was quite a busy place with lots of ideas and support.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?
At the moment the fact that he is in the 'fog' and can't decide between OW and his family of 25 years. When he's away he's playing at being single having a great time without hassles and a fun 'playmate' to accompany him. The cheating s*d.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?
It was OK. There were some problems especially with communication. I was at fault for not talking enough and probably not being there as much when his mum died. However it's a bit hard to 'be there' when he's 3 1/2 hours flying time away. Looks like he found a shoulder to cry on though. OW works with him.


We've talked endlessly about the work situation not being good for either him or the family. He enjoys his job and is very good at it and there aren't the financial rewards working in the home country. You get taxed into penury.

I understand completely the 'limbo' situation. I am currently in limbo until he comes back in 3 weeks time. By which time he'll then have to switch from being 'single' to being a husband and father again. That takes time. The anxiety and expectation the day before he gets back is sometimes paralysing.

I have got used to being on my own with the kids. I generally get on with doing my own thing during the week but sometimes it feels like I'm just passing time until he's back and we are a family again.

Not now though. I'm not sure that 180 is a good idea in long distance relationships. I need to keep in touch just to remind him what he's missing and that he's got 3 beautiful kids here.

At the mo I feel like the OW because he's phoning every day and sometimes emailing too. I know she doesn't know about it.
I am going to not answer his phone calls for the next few days. I have plenty of excuses for not being around to talk to him - Sports Days, Trips, cycling etc.

It all feels like slow motion, and perhaps that's how it has to be. I've said he's got until the end of August and then we'll reappraise the situation. Meaning I'll then decide whether to D him.



Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: UK
linbol
♀ Member
Member # 15008
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, July 14th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone,
My fiancee and I have decided to reconcile. He was in rehab at the time so I thought I would have time to at least get over the initial shock before he came home for good. On Dday I came up with some really nasty things to say to him even threaten to do the same thing that he did. But I told him I would do it better because he would never find out.Talk to him like he was a child. I became selfish and so did he so when they asked me if he could come home I said no.So know he is sent away. We will not find out how long until after his hearing should only be another month or two. He is remorseful will go to counseling when he gets home. Once we found out what OW was going to with her pregnancy F became more relaxed and opened up more.He told her that his family was his top priority and he wanted to make things right by us. Well she found out were he is and wrote how everything was his fault even threaten suicide.Told him this is here way of staying in contact and I do appreciate him being honest with me when she does write him. He wants to apologize to her I told him NC I told him if he valued our relationship and wanted to see me heal and keep his family intact he will not contact her. When I put it to him like that he became almost deflated and said ok I will do this your way. WE have visit once a week I will not take phone calls from him.

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2007
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the newbies. I hope you'll stay with us and help perk up this thread.

I'm not sure that 180 is a good idea in long distance relationships. I need to keep in touch just to remind him what he's missing and that he's got 3 beautiful kids here.

Maelstrom, I have wondered the same thing off and on. Or if it was just my using that as an excuse not to stick with it.

In a LDR, the WS has already become so accustomed to being on their own, and the "extras" it may enable, that being forced to imagine life without the BS and family in it on a regular basis may not have the same immediate impact, because on some level they "think" that is what they are already doing.

But then again it could just be that my H is such a fucktard that nothing would make a difference anyway. H is not physically in the same place as the OW but he still communicates with her frequently. Apparently she keeps checking in with him to see how he and I are doing (the answer to which is bad, if they're still having contact, which she knows and could obviously care less) and if he's "figured anything out yet." But he responds because he is a fucktard and isn't ready to shut that door yet.

I don't know. I just feel like I can't win here and am really trying to resign myself to the idea of S and D, because I am pretty sure that is where we're headed.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
linbol
♀ Member
Member # 15008
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, July 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our situation he wants to come home but he can't. He is not sure if I will except him home. He always ask if he is welcomed home. I just am not sure if I can trust his no contact.He was up front with me when she did contact him through mail and one phone call to find out about possibility of OC. Finally that is over No-one can visit him but son and I. I don't like the fact that I have no control at this time I only have his word at this time.How does one deal with this? The unknowing that is getting me.Some days I'm ok other days I am sad some days i am totally pissed off.Sometimes I want to tell him he is talking to much but I don't

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2007
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H wants to R but the problem for him is that I know his NC is a lie. I almost wish I didn't know but it's better this way in the end.

When I called him on it he stopped trying to claim there was NC but whatever. He knows it hurts me for him to talk to her and apparently he doesn't care. Or rather, he cares for himself more. Same difference.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The anxiety and expectation the day before he gets back is sometimes paralysing.

maelstrom--boy, I can completely relate to this...

I've said he's got until the end of August and then we'll reappraise the situation. Meaning I'll then decide whether to D him.

maelstrom--I think this is too generous. I waited months before I drew my line in the sand and would encourage you NOT to do the same. Make him choose NOW. If he wants you and the family, he will need to go NO CONTACT formally and in writing--is this OW married? If so, her H needs to be caught up on the situation. When things are out in the open, affairs don't thrive.

But he responds because he is a fucktard and isn't ready to shut that door yet.

incrisis--you are in limbo until he shuts the door or walks through it. How much longer can you go on like this? Hugs to you.

I've been out of pocket for a while and haven't been posting. My H came for a short (too short) visit just recently. It was really nice. I haven't posted much about his job situation other than generalities--but he just resigned one commitment so now he will be free to come home more often. I am really thankful for that. Pray that it helps us work our way toward eventual reconciliation!

He went NC in March (I hope

). He did mention when he was at home that he has been confused for a long time and that over the past couple of months things have started "clearing up". Fog, fog go away...

Take care everyone. Glad to see some new posters to this sad little thread...

We really need to support one another--long distance is a bitch.

[This message edited by punky at 6:07 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH will be home in a few weeks for a couple of weeks.

I am at a lost for words to express how I feel. I have a lot on my mind.

I haven't seen him since a couple of months after dday and he's been gone for several months.

[This message edited by letting_go at 7:02 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
ro429
♀ Member
Member # 13256
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

We've been apart for two and a half years. He will be transferred again in the next couple of months. We don't know where he will end up. We just have to wait and see. We started out seeing each other every other weekend, but after Dday, it has been every weekend.
2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Yes.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

No, but after more than two years, it feels normal now.

4. Do you have kids?

Yes - 2 teenagers. The reason we made the sacrifice to live apart.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

My story is in my profile. This is the only place and you are the only people I have been able to tell. It has been very lonely.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?

I am. In my book, this is a deal breaker. I know I will never be able to forgive or trust him. Without trust, I can't love him.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?

Yes, we had a great relationship prior to the cheating. Yes, I know, "how can that be?" In fact, we still have a great relationship in that we can spend hours together and have a great time. None of it makes sense.


I don't know what to believe anymore.

Married 17 years
2 Beautiful Teenage Daughters
Dday April 2006


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: TX
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

letting go--I remember how hard it was in the beginning to see him when he would come home right after d-day. The first few times were just excruciating. The time after D-day is hard enough, but combine it with the anxiety of an LDR and it's almost unbearable. Truly, for me, the only thing that got me through the day that I'd see him for the "first time in a long time" was Xanax. I hate it, but I had to do it. It was meltdown or medicate...

Hey ro429. Welcome to this thread. It is pretty lonely in this situation. At least with a spouse that lives with you, you have company through the tough times.

I had a really bad trigger today. I don't usually trigger--never really have. But I just lost it. And all I could think about was that I wished he were here just to hold me.

Anyway, not a good day for the punkster...

Take care all.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((punky)))

How much longer can you go on like this?

Not long, never fear. I just had to keep living life and wait for the right time and courage to show him out myself.

H will be here starting Thursday night for about 10 days to stay with the kids while I travel for work. We'll see each other for about a day on either end of my trip, then I have no idea when we'll see H again. He's probably about to switch jobs sometime this fall, so while he gets re-situated and earns some leave time could be 1 month, could be 6, could be a year. Who the hell knows. Or cares, at this point.

I see my IC on Thursday morning to help come up with a gameplan and plan to a) get H's signature on some sort of preliminary legal/notarized document regarding our separated status and arrangements and b) break some sort of news by myself to my family and then to the kids together before he leaves. Not ready to file D yet just because I want to use a lawyer for that and can't afford it right now.

But at any rate, by the end of the month I should be free enough to start healing and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, now that my plan is my own.

[This message edited by incrisis at 11:39 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
ro429
♀ Member
Member # 13256
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel a sense of relief when we are apart. When he is here, I am constantly reminded of all that we have lost. On the surface, everything is fine, but in reality, it is really screwed up. I try to imagine what it would be like if he never came back. Would I be able to move forward?


I don't know what to believe anymore.

Married 17 years
2 Beautiful Teenage Daughters
Dday April 2006


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: TX
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