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User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry incrisis...


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
leanne27
♀ Member
Member # 14415
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all, this looks like the place for me to be! I will go through the customary intro questions to give some background to my situation.


1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

My WH is working in the Middle East, half way across the world from me. I have no idea how long this is going to last.

He left in July 2006 and we have only seen each other for a short two weeks in April 2007.

I don't know how regularly we will be able to see each other in the future, probably next time scheduled in likely in September, but we are limited with annual leave and when either of us can get away.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

An initial A occured just before WH left for OS, it was not a PA, more EA with a lot of innuendos and was only a matter of time before it became a PA. Perhaps it was the trigger to make him leave in the first place, to get away from dealing with the issue.

This contact continued and I discovered this on his short trip home when he was stupid enough to appear suspicious and text her from my telephone.

Further research led me to discover another A this time a PA with a woman/whore in the Middle East. This I discovered when he was away.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

No it is not, although we have had periods of short LD in our relationship, but never more than 2 or 3 months.

4. Do you have kids?
No, but two little dogs who are loved by both of us like children.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

Having found out about the PA. I have brought both relationships out in the open to both of the OW, one was totally horrified that he could lie to her and the other one couldn't believe that he could deceive her when she has such and issue with trust (makes you want to throw up or laugh,m doesn't it).

One OW ended it after I called her to inform her of everything, she did beleive me. The OW2 has been a bit of a challenge, she is a serial OW, having had a number of MM. She is also a swinger, which makes me sick, not sure if WH knows this about her or not. Anyway getting her out of the picture has been more difficult.

WH claims he has ended both relationships and did send NC letters and informed both of them himself (at my request). However OW2 doesn't go away that easily.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

I am limited by the time difference, the different working week and the reliability of the internet and the expense of phone contact.

At the moment WH is living without internet at home, only at work and they are strict about personal use. HE does have access to cyber cafes but it is awkward as he doesn't have a car.

It also makes it easy for him to disappear and not deal with questions and issues. He can hide behind the communication difficulties.

I also can't really sit down and talk it all out, so progress is extremely slow.

I don't feel that I am able to communicate my devastation as he can't see it in person.

I also feel a great deal of anxiety when he doesn't contact me. My mind automatically makes me believe that he is with OW when he doesn't email me.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

The relationship was rocky when he started his cheating, or it may have been his guilty conscience that made the relationship rocky?


me bs married 9 years
together 10 1/2

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: australia
leanne27
♀ Member
Member # 14415
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the moment we are attempting R, but he is rather slow in responding to the questions that I am asking him.

I believe that there is currently NC with OW but anything is possible as I can't really check up on him as I could if he were here in front of me.

I have blasted him about not responding to the important questions and he claims that he will do it this afternoon, so I am meant to have answers tomorrow morning my time. It has been 8 days that I have been waiting for those important questions which are posted in the general forum about why, what made it OK for him to do etc.

I am extremely angry with him and wondering if I should be expending my emotional energy on him only to be possibly let down again?

He has claimed to have finished his relationships many times before and he hasn't. This time I intervened but I am well aware that I ended them and not him. Not sure how much that affects things though.

If WH wanted to come back home I would almost be hesitant as it does have its benefits not having him around. My self wallowing and tears are much more easy on your own!


me bs married 9 years
together 10 1/2

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: australia
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that there is currently NC with OW but anything is possible as I can't really check up on him as I could if he were here in front of me.

That's the worst part about LDR...

Glad you are here. This thread isn't terribly active, but we do have a unique situation and it helps to talk to others that can "relate".

Good luck. Sorry you have to be here.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Leanne. Wish we could have met under better circumstances.

Boy can I ever relate to you. Now just add 2-3 kids to the mix. See my profile for more.

I saw your post out in General or R. I personally don't think that LD Recon is possible, at least not for me and my H. I agree with whoever said it is a holding pattern at best.

My H completely took advantage of the distance and communication difficulties--similar to yours (9-hr time difference, limited internet, poor phone connections)--to avoid dealing with M issues and his parental responsibilities, and to facilitate his As.

If you don't mind my asking, what was the justification for your H taking a position so far from home?

Good luck to you with figuring this out, leanne. I hope he answers your questions.


In other news, I've been mostly NC with my H this last week. Since the whole anniversary snafu I said enough. Told him we have nothing to talk about. I'm not making any plans, let alone moving, with someone who continues to value themselves and their own feelings more than mine. Haven't called him and have handed off all his calls to the kids.

He called around midnight last night, so there was no mistake. I answered but probably shouldn't have. More (cheap) talk. He wants to know again how we can make this work. Can we still move together. He's ready to do the family thing now (well isn't that convenient ), the kids need him, and can't we at least give it a try. Should he take one of the jobs he is currently shopping around for if one comes through.

This is also the major point of argument between us right now:

I believe that there is currently NC with OW but anything is possible as I can't really check up on him as I could if he were here in front of me.

I believe that the relationship is "over" and I think there is NC (besides the anniversary break), but not because he is truly committed to it or to acting married. Just because he got caught and the A was already in trouble since they were also LD this last year.

He says he could say/do/tell me anything right now since we are LD and it could all be lies. That him coming home to me everyday would be the best indicator.

I say if he truly wants to make a soulless liar of himself, that's on him. It will be telling for future co-parenting interactions. That he knows what he can do to help keep us in a holding pattern rather than on the path to D. The phone records, if they can be obtained, and a new trackable account if not, is pretty much a dealbreaker at this point. Not because I want to snoop or think I will learn much new from them, but because I asked and it is important to me. If he cared and was committed to establishing trust or at least straight dealings he would do it, protestations of emasculated manhood aside.

Whatever. The more this goes on, the closer I am to fine without him.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
leanne27
♀ Member
Member # 14415
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello

My WH moved OS for a job, he is French by nationality and had trouble fitting into Australia and always had dreams of working in other places.

We actually met in Saudi Arabia where we married.

I think he went in order to escape problems or issues, he is one to avoid rather than resolve.

At the moment he appears to be more open to working on himself and his issues, which is good but I have to see a consistent change before I feel confident to commit to him and not fear being let down.

I have some demands, at this stage having him move home is not one of them as I think he needs to resolve some other issues first.

I also feel some relief in not having him around, that way the issue would just be forever in my face, with no escape.


me bs married 9 years
together 10 1/2

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: australia
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I want to say is that

I WANT MAKEUP SEX!

I have this desire to be violated and to violate my H in the worse way.

I do not want to make love. I do not care if I am angry. I need to release some pent up tension and the gym isn't doing it.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
TearInYourHand
♀ Member
Member # 14193
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

Well my story may be slightly different from most. Our relationship has been a 3.5-year long distance relationship since the start. We met online through an online mmorpg and have been 900 miles apart in all that time. We used to see each other once every 1-3 months. Now we see each other once a month, if not more.


2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Refer to above - I was at home 900 miles away. OW #1 was the wife of a "friend". Second OW was a coworker. So obviously I was nowhere nearby at the time these events happened - just talking to him throughout each day and ending each night together on the phone..


3. Is being LD normal for you?

Again, refer to above.

4. Do you have kids?
No. Unmarried, no kids.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

I stumbled upon this site a couple times, and couldn't help reading here, despite the initial gut response of not wanting to "wallow" in my situation more than needed. But the advice and insight here (and general supportive nature) has been great.


6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

Oddly, not so much the distance at all, but everything to do with his character and the disconnect between who I thought he was and who he has proven himself to be through his horrible actions.

Honesty - This is #1 for me. Its not just about getting the truth and knowing that I will one day hold the truth. It is about whether he can come to realise just how much he has failed HIMSELF in being true to his character and be able to BE an honest person again one day.

Communication - He has communication issues due to some emotional trauma during his childhood, which I/we never realized was an issue until the infidelity was exposed. Sometimes it feels like Ive uncovered an entirely different person underneath the sensitive man I thought I knew. He avoids conflict at all costs and completely shuts down once I transformed into a raging/sobbing/yelling woman. He would be completely withdrawn and unable to offer any words or just words that would piss me off further (never acknowledging that he even heard my words, telling me that "No, I have nothing I want to say" after I had been bawling and dying on the other end of the phone).

Actually I guess as I type this all out, the communication problem is merely the result of his avoidance of conflict issue. Nonetheless, in a LD relationship, problems in the communicating department make reconcilliation all kinds of hard.

Im sure theres more, these are just the obvious ones. I mgiht come back and edit this later.


7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

Not sure how to even begin answering this one other than to say yes, I thought we had almost everything. I thought we were best of friends, lovers, partners. I thought we held nothing back from each other and would have shared many new things together, as a couple, as lovers, in life's adventures around the world.

Looking back, I see now how I hold my own share in weaknesses in the relationship. He felt he was not top priority in my life, because I was not ready for him to move up here until I had my life in better order. He was hurt when our plans to share an apartment never came anywhere close to realization, etc. etc. I was too moody when he wanted time out with friends. I just wish he would have sat me down and told me.

This is just the tip of the iceberg anyway, but I wanted to get some of my story out here on SI and this thread seems to be a good place.

[This message edited by TearInYourHand at 12:11 AM, June 13th (Wednesday)]


35 - FBSO
“Integrity has no need of rules.”

Posts: 956 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Maryland.
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Tear. Sorry you find yourself here.

letting_go, I Can Relate. Sucks, doesn't it?


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

incrisis

If he was here I know I would hurt him with my eagerness.

I think about our situation and think to myself that he is half way around the world and doing who knows what and I am here being the faithful wife. Why? I have time, opportunity, and excuses; most of the ingredients to have my own fantasy. The one thing that is missing is a strong desire or willingness to put myself in that position. The desire is there and thank goodness it's not strong. Looking back over the years and the 3 mOW. Wow!

I just remembered there was three and not 2. The first mOW was an EA that I busted him online with in one state. The 2mOW(EA/possible PA) her H busted them online and there was a confrontation.

2mOWH said it was a PA and this was in a different state then the first.

The 3mOWH called for my WH and got me after his W confessed to him about the A. Three states and 3 As.

After the first couple of times I brushed it off and we swept it under the rug. I wasn't educated on infidelity and didn't have the resources. Now, that I am more educated and utilizing my resources to help myself and my kids I realize that my H needs help in the worst way.

I didn't struggle with fidelity the first couple of times but now I am struggling with fidelity because I question everything about our relationship and life.

In some strange way, I believe that if I stepped out it would be a defense mechanism to future hurts from my H.

Thank goodness I am in IC. Somewhere along the way I became cracked.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
leanne27
♀ Member
Member # 14415
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling peeved tonight, had a few wines and feeling sorry for myself.

WH has gone back to Qatar for a few days to pack up his stuff and for visa purposes and then return to Abu Dhabi.

Problem is that he hasn't contacted me today and then my imagination goes into overdrive. The other thing is that I still haven't got the correct password to his frequent flyer account.

It is too supsicious, or is it a case of him standing his ground because I have asked for this information? This is the second time that he has given me the wrong password, I am feeling so helpless. i am thinking that there is something to hide if he won't give me the password, or is it just stubborness? Hiding I think.

sometimes I just want to put my foot down and insist that he comes home, for at least 3 months to sort things out. Problem is that I think that I am afraid that he might say no??

When on earth am I going to get this frequent flyer password and then what is it going to tell me??

the other thing that is bothering me is that he claims that work might be sending him to Cairo for a few days to sort out a problem. I don't beleive it as last time he claimed work was sending him somewhere he was off with his fucking girlfriend.

I hate this LD business, I need to have him within my eyesight. I think it is really almost too much to expect the BS to deal with


me bs married 9 years
together 10 1/2

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: australia
SadK
♀ Member
Member # 14821
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

My WH started long-haul truck driving last summer. He did that from August 2006 to March 2007. I have no reason to believe there were any affair-related problems during that time. He was gone for 2 weeks, then home for 2 days. He hated being away, so he got a new job. The new job is 1500 miles from where we live, so he went down ahead of us, so we could save up some living expenses (I am working here). He has been gone since the beginning of March (~14 weeks now), and we haven't seen him since then.


2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

yes

3. Is being LD normal for you?

See #1

4. Do you have kids?

2 sons, ages 5 and 3, and a baby on the way

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

WH called me at work; we were looking online at our checking account. I said "oh, by the way, what are these two charges?" Turns out they were to an all-nude strip club. He spent $150 at a place that charges $20 cover charge and doesn't sell alcohol or food. Later that day I found out that he had a week-long sexual fling with a woman he picked up at a bar. He claims it was not emotional at all, but now I am freaking out over his cell phone bills for the last 3 months.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?

I need to see him in person to really read him. I need to sit down with him and talk everything out, and cry and yell if I need to. It just doesn't work well over the phone.

Also, WH has said he would stop flirting with girls, but he has not put on his wedding ring, and is still going to bars and drinking every night (this is VERY VERY against our religion). He said that if he put on his ring, everyone at the bar would think he was a cheating @$$hole scumbag, and he wouldn't be able to have fun any more. Gag me, please.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?

I thought our relationship had strengthened a lot when he was truck driving, because we were able to talk so much on the phone. But apparently he thought differently. Prior to that, we were more like two roommates living together rather than spouses and friends. We didn't fight, but there wasn't much emotional connection.


Me: BS (29) Him: FWH (38)
3 sons, 8, 6, and 3
29 weeks pregnant at D-Day #1 in May 2007
Divorced

Posts: 389 | Registered: May 2007
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, SadK. Sorry you find yourself here too. I would be worried about all of his activities since last August, and the ring thing is huge. (((SadK)))

Leanne, I could have written both your posts on the board early this morning.

My H seems to think I should feel honored that he has always wanted me to be his primary relationship, regardless of what else he may have been up to. I find it extremely insulting and detestable.

My H is also being very resistant to transparency, other than what *he chooses* to tell me. In his case I think it is primarily stubbornness, as I know the A is over and she is halfway round the world from us both, but also resistance to giving up the secrecy of the idea and memories of her and his right as a "real man" (or whatever the hell misguided notions he has) to do whatever he chooses. I see it as a means of trying to keep me "in my place" and just really underscoring how little he accepts responsibility for what he's done, and how little he values having a wife and partner.

I was afraid for a long time of putting my foot down. But finally I've reached that point where if he can't even show me the littlest bit of respect and remorse with his actions, not just by his words, then he's no good for me anyway.

It sucks, regardless. WH is taking steps to find a job where we could all move together by the end of the year, if not by fall, but so far he's not shown himself to be move-worthy. It may come down to D or him having to come home if he decides he's serious about this for us as well. I'm okay with that now, but it took over 7 months for me to get here.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So here is part of an email that I sent WH yesterday afternoon, as things were starting to deteriorate. Included also are his answers, told to me verbally by phone last night when he called, as paraphrased by me:

I would like to know by when, if ever, you intend to do any of the things I've asked for so far. In writing, by midnight tomorrow, Friday, June 15, 2007. These last two are new but you've had plenty of time to think about most of them. If I don't hear from you by then I'll understand.

1) I will email you pictures of OW by:
__I will show you when I see you in 2.5 weeks, and maybe email them to you sooner__

2) I will delete any and all pictures of OW from my computer and anywhere else I may have them stored by:
__after I show you, I guess__

3) I will show you that I have deleted all possible OW names and numbers from my cellphone address books when I see you in July. Yes____ No____
I don't like the whole idea of electronic surveillance. But maybe, if things are still going okay between us, I won't be needing them anyway.

4a) I will call Cingular and check on setting up an online account by:
__I don't like the whole idea of electronic surveillance__

4b) I will let you check said online account by:
__I don't like the whole idea of electronic surveillance__

5) I will answer this question, "What exactly is it that I'm sorry about?" by:
__Now. I'm sorry about everything. Sorry for not being there for you and the kids. Sorry for hurting everyone involved, including myself and OW. Sorry things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to.__

6) I will purchase and read the ebook "After the Affair" by:
__I read the website. Not sure about buying the book. It's not something I'm really trying to read__

Thoughts?

As you can see, I did issue an "ultimatum," though it was only for knowing by when various things might happen, not for actually doing anything, God forbid. I would ask for something, he would say he'd do it, or he "could" do it, but then he never would. I got tired of it. So I asked for a timeframe, and gave him a timeframe for it. He sort of met the conditions, though this is what I mean by him dancing around just inside the boundaries. Yes, he did respond promptly, but it was by phone call as he refused to "answer my litle survey" and put it in writing. His answers are his answers, he didn't have to respond any particular way "or else." But he knows that I was disappointed with his responses.

As you can also see, he is still not very open to being transparent. He is planning to get an Apple iPhone with a monthly billed account when those come out later this month, and he says he is fine with me seeing that, and having it sent to the house. But he doesn't want to give me access to his current records online. Actually, we don't even know if it's possible, it's a prepaid account, but Cingular told me it could be checked via online account going back up to 6 months. It was a 2-part Q because I was even open to him finding out if it was possible, and getting the information if he could, and then he could hold onto it until such later date as he was more comfortable showing it to me. But if he doesn't do it now, then the information I want will be lost forever except maybe by subpoena or something.

I should note that for all his being a very techie guy, my H is also very much a conspiracy theorist. This is why I know at least some of his resistance to "electronic surveillance" is just that and his colossal ego, not necessarily further cheating. One of the things that upset him today was my putting all of his shortcomings in print via email. That anyone can get into that and read it, that even though it's not a work account that his job can check the server caches and read it now. (I didn't really know that. Oops.) He prefers verbal communication because he doesn't like to leave a trail. But as far as this all goes he really prefers no communication at all. So this is also why he feels offended when I say he's not been doing anything, because he does call and he does respond when I'm having a moment, even though he'd rather ignore it all, and he has been talking and he is trying to get us back together asap, which he's never done before.

Still, I told him at the end of the conversation that the phone records was now a dealbreaker for me. That I need him to at least check into it and let me know what they say. Or give me the passcode and let me call myself. That I never would have pushed on this stuff had he not been so resistant at every step along the way, and what am I supposed to make of that?

I do think there may be shady stuff on there from earlier in the year. Either more contact with OW than he let on, or more calls to/from potential OW where he is now, I don't know which. So he doesn't want me to know, but I already "know" as I'm not stupid. We've already talked about as much. And I've said he'd be off the hook just for coming clean. Not that I would completely ignore it, but that it wouldn't be dealbreaker or further haranguing material. I don't think he's been up to anything much physically, if at all, as he calls us often during his free times and is most often findable at his home number, but I still think he's been keeping doors open. He's not been acting married b/c he doesn't want to be married.

Which, again, begs the question of why he keeps trying to just barely hold on to the M. Why he is trying to find a job and a place to live for all of us. As soon as possible. After all of this.

Despite his protestations to the contrary, I don't think my H thinks he can do without me, but I also don't think he likes that fact very much. At all. I think he resents me for it. I am not flattered or validated by that realization either, as if we somehow manage to end up in R there is probably a codependency book or 20 with my name on it out there waiting for me. And he still wouldn't be easy to deal with.

I also think, like others here, that my H is still very much afraid to face--let alone show me--the him that he was during the A, because he thinks I will run screaming into the night. And for good reason. Because of the LDM, he hasn't had a lot of chances to show me any different since dday, although he has squandered several excellent opportunities that he has had.

I think this is why the "start over" thing plays so big in his head. Aside from the fact that he has his own doubts, that he can maybe get us to a better place and then any more skeleton details that might fall out will be water under the bridge and not weigh so heavily in our R. That and--what now both infuriates and stupefies me--for all his revisionist talk of how bad our M was, he has now taken to saying "because it's (his infidelity) never been a problem when we were together."

YA THINK?!?!?! You think maybe it wasn't that our M sucked eggs as you've spent the last 5 years convincing yourself, that maybe taking yourself off for a year and losing your mind to your own issues as was convenient to justify your slutty behavior is more the cause of why you decided to pilot us right into the middle of HELL instead!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?????

I could cheerfully strangle him sometimes, I swear.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay!!! New people!

Trying to get caught up with everyone. Have been off the boards for a while.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
leanne27
♀ Member
Member # 14415
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 16th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Incrisis, it is so frustrating when they act ridiculously stubborn, or like spoilt children and won't answer questions that to you and I are not that hard to actually think about.

I would be pissed off too if I were you with those replies. Not demonstrating enough commitment or taking responsibility for his wrong doings. THe responsibility for this means transparency and giving you what you need to move forward!

My WH has picked up his act slightly in the last few days, but I am cautious not to feel confident, after all he has lied atrocioulsy to me in the past, therefore is capable of doing that now.

He actually answered some difficult questions (if they were answered truthfully!) about OW2. Questions about where and when they met, so some progress is being made.

Still don't have the frequent flyer password after being given an incorrect one. His story is that he must have left himself logged on at his work computer so that is why I can't log in with the password. Total crap, but I will not forget about this, I am sure that he thinks I will, but he is sadly mistaken


me bs married 9 years
together 10 1/2

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: australia
leanne27
♀ Member
Member # 14415
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, June 18th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wrote a really nasty (but warranted!) email to OW. Just waiting for her to read it.

Wondering if she is going to contact him about it. Already thinks that I am "venomous" for writing an email where I accurately referred to her as a slut, whore, bitch.

This last one is so much worse, with some home truths thrown in to boot.

Hopefully WH doesn't get too mad but I told him I've done it and that I will send it to him if he wants to.

I'm thinking that if I am too painful she may give up on trying to contact him with pathetic "understanding" emails. She doesn't want him to be hurt or confused,

Anyway hope everyone else is doing OK today.


me bs married 9 years
together 10 1/2

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: australia
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 18th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

leanne,
I can understand how you need to get things "out" by emailing the OW, but almost everyone on SI advises not to contact other people at all.

It violates any NC that might have been established and also keeps this person and her venom in your life. You don't need it. Plus other people generally don't have a huge moral compass to begin with or they wouldn't be doing what they are doing. People like that generally let negative things roll right off their backs!

My advice: write it all down and don't send it. Vent to us.

Don't give that OW the satisfaction of knowing she is still "in" your mind.

Important question: is your H in complete NC with her?


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay LDR'ers, I need some third party perspectives here.

This is the email that I just received from my H:

Cant we try to work this out? I am willing to try to meet your needs, but this ultimatum with you basically demanding to wire tap my phone is hard for me to deal with right now. I do want to try to figure out how we can do this, but I can't try to start over fresh with your foot on my neck.

Before I give anymore of the backstory to this other than what you already know of me and my situation, what is your initial reaction to this and how do you think you would respond?


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
leanne27
♀ Member
Member # 14415
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Incrisis, you have made the "demands" (requests) for a reason. Are they really negotiable for you?

If he refuses to meet them what does this mean? To me that there is something to hide still.

He cheated and now it is up to him to do what it takes to give you confidence and rebuild your trust in him.

However as we all know these things are easier said than done!


On my side I finally got the password to his frequent flyer account! Hurtful as there were times when I was sure that he was with OW and he denied it and naturally I was right.


me bs married 9 years
together 10 1/2

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: australia
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