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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for responding, innerstrength...

Has anyone gone NC w/ their spouse while separated? I read the article in healing library...& maybe that would be good for me while H. is getting his 90 Days & going through withdrawals & pissyness from being separated)M. was a HUGE problem 4 him...but he & counselor & SA group have zero tolerance for a sex addict in the M. dept...so at least everyone is on the same page there...

Anyone w/ NC experience?

Also, there was 1 massage girl/hooker who he actually went to her house for services...still paid time...says she barely spoke English/no relationship other than sex...but aside of the cell phone bill #'s...should I ask him WHERE she lives..i know the town right next to us she lives...do I really WANT to know the actual address??
anyone?


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

p.s. - WHAT does a lingerie fetish entail?


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

p.s. - WHAT does a lingerie fetish entail?

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 6:46 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scribbling Mom, no you really don't want to know the address. It will just give you one more thing to focus on. I found out the address of FWH's mistress and I spent countless hours looking at it on Google Earth. For what, I don't know, but I think we look for things to obsess about when this happens to us. It's so unbelievable that putting a face, name, an address or whatever to it makes it more tangible?

I'm not sure what a lingerie fetish is but I'm suspecting it entails feeling the lingerie as you watch porn and masturbate. My FWH had one especially for nylon stockings/pantie hose. I'd always find a supply of them with his 'stash'. There's something about the feel and sight of such things that is a turn-on for some addicts.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1F1B,

Thanks for responding...I was thinking it not a good idea, too...but wouldn't it help w/ exposure/his accountability--secret/actual address isn revealed?
HOW did you verify they were NC w/ OW? Polygraph, anyone?


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband, just since I've discovered this place has written me today 2 e-mails, 1 completely blaming his affair or whatever he's doing with the stripper, including calling her 5 times daily, (but still denying sex with her) on "our marriage and all the issues we've had for the past 10 years". He completely lashed out at me, saying things like, me refusing to work, leaving all the financial pressure on him, causing us to go under financially. Two years ago he begun the strip club business, 2 years ago, my back totally collapsed. Coincidence? NO. He also said we've never been compatible from the beginning (totally not true), we've never seen eye to eye, (now we sure don't), I want the word commitment in marriage, he obviously doesn't. And a host of other things. Why is he refusing to take any responsibility for his decision to have an affair, and make another woman enter our marriage? Then he said I'm the one that kicked him out, "left", not him. I told him he "left" me over and over for the past 18 years with his porn, now he's left again emotionally and physically with strip clubs and actual acts with strippers.

Then just now, I got another e-mail from him telling me I've lost my great body and that's important to him, and I don't care about being fit. He said yes, he wants me to look like a porn queen like I did when I married him, (which I did--I was pretty hot)--that was 20 years ago. I have gained 50 pounds in the past 2 years, right around the time he began the strip clubs and my back gave out. But I do admit, that was my fault. I wrote him back telling him he's right, and I'm working on getting my body back, and thanks for reminding me of this, and I asked for his forgiveness. But that him wanting me to look like a porn queen is fantasy. They have no c-section scars, no sleepless nights with sick children, no wrinkles, no housework to do, etc. and that is of course what he wants, after viewing on all the XXX rated porn queens for so long.

This hurts my feelings that my weight he's using as an excuse to have an affair.
What do you all think of this?
I need your views.

P.S. I've lost 20 pounds already since our separation due to emotional stuff, and I've been exercising daily, and can barely eat.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our counselor would not diagnose OH as an addict. She said he has compulsive tendencies. This is after he LIED to her face and mine.

I was told that I needed to be sexier for him. I'm gonna give more info in the general forum.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow -- I'm overhwhelmed by all the new names/postings on this thread. I'm so, so sorry to hear about so many having such a hard time.
It is excruciating and the desire for answers or direction RIGHT NOW can be really tough. But my advice is to try and just be still enough to hear your own voices in all this insanity. What do YOU want? What rings true to you? Don't ever let anyone else blame you for their infidelity or their issues. None of us is the perfect spouse -- but no-one deserves to be lied to, cheated upon, exposed to potentially lethal STDs, ignored, etc. etc. I don't care whether you've never worked a day in your life, gained 380 pounds, or lived your life in a bubble. They always had the choice to communicate with us..or simply leave. So do NOT accept any blame for any of this shit. If you want to better yourself in any way, go for it. But DO IT FOR YOU! Do it because it feels good to take care of yourself. Do it because you respect yourself.
Keep posting and don't hesitate to ask whatever you need to ask. The shame around this -- bizarre since what did most of us do except put up with it, whether knowingly or not -- is extreme. This is your safe place. This is where you can lay out your deepest darkest fears, shame, regret...and get responses for those of us who know how it feels.
Welcome.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for the welcome...

Ingrid - How long to wait? I believe that if a decision is "hard" to make, then you are not ready to make it. When you are ready, decisions are easy - it will come to you.

Like 1forward1back said, there are no shortcuts to healing. You need to feel it to heal it.

Why does he take no responsibility? Simple, because he is an addict. WHy does he shift blame to everyone but himself? Because he is an addict.

Read "Addictive Thinking" by Abraham J Twerski.

Scribbling Mum - I went NC with my SA when we were separated last summer. However this separation was the result of my telling him he was SA, that he needed to do something about it or get out. He told me I was the one with problems and he left. With the exception of email about kids and money, we didn't speak for close to 4 months - my choice.

You probably do not want the address...it is just one more thing to obsess over. What will you do if you have it? Drive by? Catch him there? Then what? You can not control his behavior. If he acts out, you will find out.

Innerstrength - it have been a long road full of lots of potholes and ruts, but my story isn's all that different from anyone elses. Yep, the characters, places and times are different, but the themes are all the same.

OMG...I had to take notes to respond and I still have to go back and reread...lol...


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid

I bet your WH doesn't look the same as he did 20 yrs ago either. It's called aging and that's something we all do from the day we are born. Don't let him talk to you that way. Ignore his stupid emails. He's abusing you emotionally by saying those things to you.

He's justifying his sickness by putting the burden on you. It doesn't matter what you look like or what size you are. He'd find anything to shift the blame on you then he doesn't have to look at what a shit he's been.

You need to go NC with him so that he can't hurt you anymore. He's wallowing in shit with a whore and he knows it so he's trying to bring you down to his level. Stop letting him do this.

If you don't want to or can't make a decision about the marriage then don't. You need to focus on yourself now to heal. Unfortunately it takes awhile to heal but you will. Please stop listening to his poison. Block his email if you have to. You don't need this abuse.

lovedontlivehere

I was told that I needed to be sexier for him

There is no way in hell I would have stayed a second longer in that session. That was inappropriate and it doesn't matter what lies he said to this quack.

I wonder if this idiot would have said that to your H if rolls were reversed. That he wasn't sexy enough!!!!

Our ex MC told me that when WH was leering at women I should take his hand to remind him I was there. WTF!! If I did that his hand would have been in a cast with all bones broken.


Sex addiction is just that an addiction. An addict will justify getting their fix no matter who it hurts. A spouse of an addict has to start taking care of themselves. End of sermon.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pebbles,

I'm glad I have this site. I'm glad there are people who get it.

I think I understand sex addiction better than she does.

I would feel very crazy if it wasn't for this site.

Now spouse says I'm just "paranoid."

I read somewhere (probably here :) ) that counselors who don't understand SA will try to say that the woman isn't being sexy enough. I guess this is a textbook example.

He lied to her face, yet she stills believes everything he says. I don't get it.

Like i said in the other thread, I bet if I was the one looking up male escorts and stopped having sex with him she would have labeled me as having serious issues, but he can do what he wants cuz he's a man.

My partner admits that I am sexy, so I don't understand how that can be the problem.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 11:13 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was told that I needed to be sexier for him.

GET A NEW COUNSELOR NOW! Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. Do it immediately. Do it yesterday! Find a CSAT in your area if possible and start there.
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm
If there isn't one near you, check nearby states and call around until a CSAT can refer you to someone in your area. Or email them at info@IITAP.com and tell them you can't find a CSAT in your area and want help.

That counselor obviously knows jack shit about SA and she's letting your SA manipulate her. That's one main reason I say that SAs should be no where near female counselors (even for marriage counseling) In my experience the SAs are so good at manipulating women that even counselors fall for it.

~~~~~~~~~
This thread has EXPLODED. I'm trying desperately to catch up.

I'm starting a new support group tomorrow night after all the drama with the old one. (If you want the story, I posted it in the PTSD thread somewhere) Hopefully this group will be a better fit. Many more wives who've decided to stay. Many more wives who have been at this for years. Many more wives whose husbands physically cheated. As opposed to the other group which was all very young women, barely married who believed their husbands were only addicted to porn. We simply had nothing in common when it counted.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 1:03 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QUESTION:

would you advise the BS like me to ask their WS to call off their relationship, like in my case with the stripper???? I know I can't control them, but at least I can ask them to.

(Too late because I just did)....

After I responded to the weight e-mail back to my husband, he sort of apologized, then recollecting some sensual and erotic times we've had, then asking, "guess we'll never be doing that again huh"....I responded not when you're bringing another woman, and porn into your life at all. Then I asked him to call it off IN EVERY WAY with the stripper TODAY. That "I'm asking him to."

We'll see what happens.
Was this stupid to do??? I really think if he cares about our marriage at all, he'll do it, otherwise, our marriage will probably be over in the very near future, due to his inability to commit to me and wanting to fool around and not to save our marriage.

I am getting on with my healing, but it really sets me back when I check his phone records daily and see many calls to the stripper. But I feel I need to do this. It's evidence of a continuing relationship.

What's anyone's advice re this?
Thanks so much. I really can learn from all of you who've been there a lot longer than me and what you'd do differently, do or not do.

[This message edited by Ingrid at 5:44 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pebbles:

"Ingrid
I bet your WH doesn't look the same as he did 20 yrs ago either. It's called aging and that's something we all do from the day we are born. Don't let him talk to you that way. Ignore his stupid emails. He's abusing you emotionally by saying those things to you.

He's justifying his sickness by putting the burden on you. It doesn't matter what you look like or what size you are. He'd find anything to shift the blame on you then he doesn't have to look at what a shit he's been.

You need to go NC with him so that he can't hurt you anymore. He's wallowing in shit with a whore and he knows it so he's trying to bring you down to his level. Stop letting him do this.

If you don't want to or can't make a decision about the marriage then don't. You need to focus on yourself now to heal. Unfortunately it takes awhile to heal but you will. Please stop listening to his poison. Block his email if you have to. You don't need this abuse."

Thanks Pebbles.

Does a BS have to be completely healed before even beginning reconciliation?

What if my WS says he's called it off with the stripper, and is going to SA, and I haven't seen any phone calls for a couple months, what if he wants to move back home? What should I do? I miss him so much, it's devastating being separated, but I'm not sure trust would even be able to be back.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid - It is ok to ask for what you want, but your H may not be able to provide that at this time. IMO, you don't allow him back based on promises - you wait until you see the result of his actions.

If he does admit to his SA, gets help and decides to work, things can be different.

I am far from being completely healed, but we are in R. I still struggle with many things due to this situation we find ourselves in. In order to find a new path for you both, you need boundaries. Boundaries that you set are there for you.

Boundaries are he gets clean - no more acting out, no more inappropriate relationahips; transparency - emails passwords, cell phone records, with money and actions; he attends meetings, IC and MC (if you want); he is accountable for his actions and words; just to mention a few. Hand in hand with boundaries are the consquences of what happens if theses boundaries are crossed: he moves out of your bedroom or the house; you file for divorce; etc. Whatever the consequences, make sure you are able and willing to uphold them. If you can not or will not uphold the boundaries/consequences you enable him in his addicition.

I think it is possible to have a health and happy relationship with SA, a recovering SA, but it takes lots of work - from you both. It also takes lot of time.

My H has 9 1/2 months of sobriety and transparency, and I am just beginning to trust him on little things. As these little things add up, I know I will begin to trust him on the bigger things, little by little.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid

Remember he knows you and what I see when he talks to you is just plain mean.

He sort of apologized. He brings up sexual things you guys used to do trying to get you to miss him so he can get back with you. Maybe he wants the marriage but he wants his whores too.

He can't have both.

You are still in shock and you have to go thru all of the emotions of grief. You will not just get over this quickly. It doesn't matter if you guys reconcile or not. You will experience all of these emotions.

Think about what you need to do to heal yourself.

Counseling is a must. You're not thinking clearly and you need to talk to a professional about getting thru this. If they recommend meds, please take them.

Read in the healing library about what has happened to you. This is a very traumatic event. My counselor called it a brain injury.

Your WH needs to be remorseful, have empathy for what he has done to you, go NC and get out of his cesspool of whores.

Until he does these basic things you need to go NC with him and heal yourself. You will not begin to heal until you stop him from verbally abusing you.

((((((((((Ingrid))))))))))


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ANOTHER QUESTION:

Should I go to the strip club he goes to, find this stripper and ask her how long she's been having sex with my husband? Is there any point to this at all?

Or since I have her number, should I call her and say anything? I remember phoning her number once, when I first found out, the end of May, I said this is so and so's wife, she hung up on me.

Thanks again Pebbles. I've already read every article from the Healing Library.

Somehow, although I think the N/C may be good, I really feel at this stage in our relationship, and only 3 weeks separated, there's a lot of unsettled dust. I feel it's good for my WS and I to talk about it, to an extent. Even though he blasted me with a couple e-mails today, I feel at least he was communicating. I feel if there's absolutely no contact at all, our marriage is just further shutting down heading for the end. It might be heading for the end anyway.

I saw a pastor a couple weeks ago and told him everything in tears of course. He said he'd be glad to meet with the two of us. I'm going to go see him again soon, alone, then ask my husband if he'll go together with me. The pastor will confront him I know it on his inappropriate behavior.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newbies please read this if you haven't in the general forum.

7 wrote this and it is a classic analogy.

My FWH is a sex addict and I've been struggling with being told I need to work a 12 step program and that I'm a co-addict. I find this insulting and frankly, I'm finding that it's actually holding me back from healing. It's just not right for me personally. The professionals like to use analogies saying that we each need to stay in our own yards while we each work on our recovery. I have an analogy of my own.
Ok, I chose FWH based on what he chose to share with me (the good stuff) I'm not particularly interested in hashing out whether or not I was subconsciously drawn to him because of the hidden sewage line in his backyard. Maybe that made his flowers prettier, who knows. I knew there was some sewage (a divorce and some things with his family) that he had in his basement but he assured me that it was under control and locked away in his basement. He was drawn to my good stuff and I was fairly up front about my garbage. I explained that I thought that I'd worked hard on sorting, labeling and stowing my garbage in my basement. I didn't lie about my garbage and though the basement was locked, I let him know it was there. I see this as a difference but not something either of us did to hurt the other or be dishonest or whatever. Yes, he lied by omission but what does it ultimately matter?

Before I met FWH, I had worked on my stuff. My garbage. I had tried hard to remove things I didn't need, get them out of the basement at least. I buried the more serious and larger items in my backyard and planted lovely flowers there. The rest I stowed away in boxes in my emotional basement and figured that if I needed to look at them more closely they were there and eventually I could move more things to the landfill in the yard and clean out my basement. It was working fairly well. Not a perfect system certainly but a workable one.

I meet FWH and all the garbage in my basement and the landfill in my backyard were forgotten because of the warm glow of love coming from my newly lit fireplace (the heart of my house.) So, along we go for about 6.5 years. Things were pretty perfect at first and gradually moved away from perfection to what I saw as REALITY. No relationship is perfect. No couple is all gooey, gushy, gah-gah in love every moment of every day. No couple has a roaring fire going in the fireplace every moment of every day. We settled into life with it's ups and downs. I didn't know what was flowing in the gigantic sewer line buried in his yard nor that it was being fed by the cesspool in his basement. (As you can tell I view his addiction as a bigger problem than mere garbage.) I didn't and I COULDN'T because I am not PSYCHIC. We did not have keys to each other's basements. He did know about some of my buttons because I had given him more access from the start and he did chose to push those buttons to keep me away from his basement.

At the 6.5 year mark, I accidentally punctured his SEWER line. I wasn't intentionally digging in his yard. I was in his yard to borrow something. The initial geyser flooded not only his yard but mine. He slowed the geyser to a trickle for a time with his attempts to patch the sewer line and keep me out of his basement where the REAL nasty shit was stored. For 11 months I slogged through his shit in my hip-waders trying to keep his shit out of my attic! I almost didn't succeed, I almost let him completely drown me. The trickle was slowly killing me. Poisoning me. My yard was unlivable and my house was quickly becoming so as well, so I kept jumping the fence to dig in his yard for the answers I needed. And finally, because I had no other choice, I jumped the fence and used a backhoe to dig in his yard and I broke through his patch and released the geyser again, which drained his basement cesspool out into his yard AND mine. At this point it also flooded my basement. The sewage started eating through the boxes that held all my garbage that I'd tried to neatly box and label and stow away. The next thing you know, all my garbage is floating in his sewage. Then sinking. What a fucking mess. Before you know it, all the flowers in my yard are dead and his sewage has seeped down and unearthed all my BIG stuff that I thought I'd gotten rid of. Suddenly I've got big ass crates of garbage coming up out of my yard, breaking open and adding to the mess. The level rose at an alarming rate, his sewage mixed with my garbage was a huge volume of shit. It got so high that it flooded the heart of my house and for a time I couldn't light my fireplace at all. My attic was in grave danger of flooding too. It was hard to keep it dry.

The enormity of the geyser in his backyard drew all the emergency crews. A lot of people were working hard to clean up his yard, his basement, the heart of his house, and even his attic, including ME. My yard, my house, my hearth, my attic were an afterthought at best. My garbage was just part of the mess and sometimes it was hard to tell my garbage from his sewage. My basement went mostly ignored and so did the heart of my house. Some attention was given to the yard (gotta keep up appearances) and my attic (gotta keep the house alive.) I've spent the last couple of years wearing hip-waders and slogging around in shit. I was asked to wait while the worst of his sewage was dealt with and my soggy garbage was unceremoniously dumped back into my yard in worse shape than ever. I dug around in my attic and found a life raft. I pulled myself up and tried to get dry. Then I started using a shop vac to clean out my house. There were times when FWH was so mired down in his shit he kept trying to climb into my life raft and sometimes he tried to shove me out. He often succeeded. Sometimes, I saw him coming and jumped all by myself. Sometimes, sometimes I simply dropped my paddle and set myself adrift because I was just so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of shit. I kept expecting FWH to throw me a lifeline. Sometimes he did, sometimes not. Sometimes I had to just find my paddle again. Sometimes my IC handed it to me but mostly I just had to find it on my own because funding for me to see the IC was limited. I think I've slowly been draining FWH's crap back into his yard and keeping my gate closed. It left a hell of a mess though. One that's not easily cleaned up. I have to fish all my soggy garbage out then sort, label and stow it again. Some of it just needs to be burned. Wet garbage doesn't burn so well. This entire task seems overwhelming to me. When it was just my garbage and it was dry it was easier to deal with but now it's all soaked in his sewage and some of it seems to have tripled or quadrupled in weight. Plus his shit made it sticky and some of it is cemented to my sidewalk now, making my path slippery and treacherous. I'm slowly trying to shove it out into my front yard to dry it out then deal with it. But let's face it, the stuff in the house is small, it's the giant broken crates in the back yard that loom over me and scare me back into the house.

FWH's got a full crew over at his place helping with his recovery (IC and group). I've had some help (IC and a little MC) but much of what I've had to do, I've done alone. The expense of FWH's cleanup hasn't left much for me to expend on mine. I tried going down to the community center (a support group for spouses of SA) expecting to find women in similar situations willing to all work together to clean up all of our messes. FWH found a lot of help at the community center (his SA group) and it seemed reasonable to hope I'd find the same. I gladly tried to help others with their messes in the hopes that by doing so, I'd get help with mine, but it sure didn't work out that way. Mostly I got told that I chose my mess and now I had to either abandon my house or learn to live in shit. In some cases, additional sewage was pumped into my yard from others' yards.

It's time for me to attack the mess in the yard. The big stuff. The really soggy, nasty stuff that's so overwhelming and again I'm feeling like I'm going to have to do it alone. I'm not even sure I've got the right equipment. The infomercial says I can do it in 12 easy steps but the emotional price is just too high for their program. I can't afford it.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid

There is a lot of advice here, read it and then make your own decisions.

I personally would never talk to the paid whore. She's not going to talk to you because your the wife of one of her customers. Wives are inconsequential to paid whores. They are paid to service men.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally would never talk to the paid whore. She's not going to talk to you because your the wife of one of her customers. Wives are inconsequential to paid whores. They are paid to service men.

Agreed. They don't care about sleeping with committed men. They only want $$$.


Maybe my spouse is just a selfish jerk, not an addict. Sometimes I wonder.

He is on an adult forum as I'm typing, the day after counseling. Of course, it doesn't help that the counselor gave him the green light.

Has anyone else felt like their spouse was using them for a masturbatory tool? I sure do.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 8:47 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
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