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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Noteworthy behavior changes of WH.

Throughout his therapy he has learned that porn stars are whores they are not as sweet and innocent as they are portrayed.

He also thought that women who flirted with him were sweet and innocent.

WH is a very nice looking man and is a magnet for women to flirt with. Before he met me he never had to pursue anyone because they came to him.

We were with friends this weekend and we ate dinner at a restaurant that had a bar.

There were several intoxicated women there and one in particular tried her best to get his attention. This has happened many times during the marriage. Women just act like I'm not there they don't even have to be intoxicated to do this.

I didn't say anything and hid my discomfort. He decided that we should move due to disgusting behavior on her part. So the 4 of us (our friends do not know about anything that we are going thru) moved indoors away from the mosquitos. He picked a spot that would shield him from anymore of this behavior.

Believe it or not she came indoors with a friend to the area we were sitting. When she realized that his back would remain to her she finally got the message and never came back in.

This is big for WH. This is new behavior. He wanted to move because he was disgusted by her behavior. He is starting to realize that not all women are so sweet and innocent and will do anything to get what they want.

We continued to have a great time with our friends that night and the rest of the weekend visiting with our friends.

I know my PTSD meltdown 2 wks ago scared the heck out of him. He wanted to call the ambulance because I was having trouble breathing and having chest pains. I haven't had an episode like that for a long time. I get angry and lose control but that excalated to something more and he got scared. So did I but I knew I just had to stop and sit down and get control of my breathing.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Sad  Posted: 9:01 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Mourning123 at 1:43 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Sad  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScribblingMum...I can totally relate..My counselor recommended the book Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser for me (BS).
So sorry you find yourself in this same hell. I am coping with it hour by hour and praying alot!

[This message edited by Mourning123 at 1:45 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((( Mourning ))))- I am so glad you found this part of SI. From your posting this is where you need to be.

MY WH also has a history of porn, lingerie fetish (which carries over to autogynephelia) and also several ONS and several A's - 2 long term.

I did not know of the behavior and like you was in a complete state of shock.
You say:

he is my best friend and I feel that if this is God's plan to see us through this, that I am committed to trying to salvage my marriage to one day make it stronger. (Am I delusional???)

NO you are not delusional. This is an opportunity for you both to work on your marriage, make it your spiritual journey and let time decide if it works for you or not. Now is not the time to jump to any hasty decisions.

Contact me if you need a shoulder to cry on. I understand what you are going throught.


Me – 51
Him – 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 – 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 – 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. I am going to jump in on this topic. I have read here many times and was going to post when I caught up, but it is almost impossible to catch up as it is so long!!

Here's the answers to my intro questions:

1. How long has your WS been a sex addict, have you known, & what are they doing to deal with that (SA, etc)?

I don’t really know – by my timeline 5-6 years. In a “ah-ha” moment just about 1 year ago, I discovered he was a SA and/or Love Addict; however I have known about his acting out for the last 5-6 years. About a year ago (June 2007) I found a secret email account and saw he was interacting with 3-4 women.

I have been wondering lately when the actual "start" of this addict was. Initially, I would have pegged it at when I found out about the initial affair (june 2003), but his behavir then was definately "addictive" - so I really do not know.

We both attend meetings, he goes to SLAA meetings and I attend SAnon. He is in IC (goes periodically) and we just recently we began a recovery program for SA and partners.


2. How does your SA act out & how much verifying do you do?
I have not had full disclosure, but I do believe that I have full transparency at this time. His acting act included: porn, dating sites, myspace, multiple affairs, LTA, and masturbation that I know of.

I check emails, phone records, his phone/pda, his laptop, his laptop history, and he installed SpyBlaster on his computer. However, when he changed jobs, his new laptop disinstalls the software - not sure why. It varies how often I check, but it has been drastically reduced. Now it is maybe once a week. Part of me does not want to check on a regular basis because I can not control his behavior and it leads me to obsessing. Part of me checks just to make sure I am not being fooled again.

3. Has the SA had relapses / slips?

He has been in SLAA since Sept, 2007. He has not admitted to any slips, but there has been an occasion or two that I was uncomfortable with. However, I have never found anything that shows that these occasions were anything other than my being obsessive and insecure.


4. Do you have kids?
We have 3: D 18, S 13, & S 12.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

His LTA. It took place from early 2003 until February 2007. I found out about it in June 2003. I would be told that it was over, things would seem to be getting better, then something would happen. He was the master of gaslighting and I honestly thought I was going crazy. At first it would go months between ddays, then weeks, before I would uncover or find him in a lie. About a year ago I found a secret email account and saw he was interacting with 3-4 women, again when we were falsely in R. In total, I have found evidence that he has had some degree of interaction with 25 women other than his LTA OW.
We have been separated on 2 occasions, for about 4 months each time. Divorce has been filed twice, once by him and once by me. He has been arrested twice. He has been charged with stalking – which luckily was reduced down to a misdemeanor. His behaviors have driven us into financial hardship. I was found to have HPV. I now have thyroid problems due to the stress brought into my life.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?

To reconciliation - Broken trust and intimacy. I have a huge problem with the physical aspect of his addiction. We have proven that we can be great housemates, but the intimacy and sex is a huge hurdle for me. It is hard to begin rebuilding a foundation, once again. We have had several false R’s , but I gave my all into each one – not knowing they were false. I am having a really hard time trying to R.

To recovery – change in behaviors (not just acting out behaviors) and the addictive thinking aspect of this disease. I am also terrified of the possibility (probability?) of relapse and/ or slips.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?

We definitely had better communication, bit that slowly ceased when he fell into his funk in 2002-03. We were truly friends, we enjoyed each others company and like being together. Our relationship overall was good. It was far from perfect, but it was not unworkable. I see now that there were many things that I allowed, just because it wasn’t worth the battle. I am a believer in “picking your battles wisely”. So then, I was more tolerant of his slightly selfish ways, but now I have no tolerance. Then I was more than happy to work FT and be a FT mom, housekeeper, maid, cook, etc. Now, not so much.

8. Current status?

In recovery and reconciliation. I am having a hard time with leaving the past in the past, I guess I use this in part to protect myself from a slip or another dday. I have never had full disclosure and I am told that I know everything. However, sometimes things come up, in conversation or in records that prove that I do not know everything. Even though it is old stuff – these discoveries, when they happen, feel like it is today.

Some days, I still have a really difficult time with all this. Some days, coming here to read is a huge trigger. Some days, it seems easier to give up and go our separate ways and other days it is worth it to stay for the long haul.

I am emotionally exhausted and the thought struggling through with SA for the rest of my life is overwhelming.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thankful for this section of the forum.

Please help me someone.

My husband of 18 years has been a sex addict our entire marriage, on and off. We've gone to about 12 counselors/pastors/Priests/ all told him he needs help. He's gone to maybe 2 SA meetings, and said it's dumb and he isn't a sex addict.

Well, the end of May I discovered he's been frequenting a totally nude strip club and "seeing" a stripper on the side. Discovered her cell, and he admitted to frequenting there, and *seeing* her although he denies sex with her. I don't believe him. I asked him to leave when I found this out, and we've been separated now for 3 weeks. It has been THE MOST painful thing in my life, knowing his problem has now escalated to this. He is living in a 12-step sober living home for men addicts, that I found for him on the internet 5 minutes from our home, only because he has no place else to live. I don't think he still admits he has a problem rather does not want to let go of his behavior, and seems to not care if our 18-year marriage or family will be destroyed in the process. I have told him via e-mail that the RIGHT thing to do would be to obtain help in SA, get some counseling, and drop the stripper immediately, telling her he will not ever see or talk to her again. He still continues calling her (see his cell records) still, several times a day. This is unbearably hurtful. I don't know how long I should wait around for him to come back to us. I feel like I never could trust him ever again, and that our marriage is over. I have begun S-ANON went to my first meeting last week.

What do you all think? I desperately need your advice/help.

Thank you so much.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid, we are all here to help each other. My H has been a sex addict most of his life. Unlike many on here, I knew about his problem with porn fairly early on in the marriage. For many years, I would find his stash and 'out' him. He would feel shame and promise never to do it again. And unlike others on here, I became a typical co-dependent/co-addict. After awhile I got tired of calling him on the porn and just gave up. I don't remember when I realized this was an addiction, not just a man who like looking at porn more than most. Anyway, discovering his A two years ago was the catalyst for finally dealing with this toxic environment that I was living in. Unlike your H, mine admitted to being a sex addict immediately after D-Day. He saw a counsellor who was trained in addictions counselling. After focusing on him and the A for many months, I realized I had to let that go and concentrate on ME.

That's what you have to do. 7yrsbetrayed and I agree that the best book out there for spouses/partners of sex addicts is Mending a Shattered Heart by Stephanie Carnes. It is excellent to help you understand sex addiction and what you, the partner, must to in order to begin to heal. You need to do your work, he needs to do his work. If he won't do his work, that's his problem. Yes, it's your problem as well, but you cannot do anything to change him. The only person you can change is YOU.

Welcome to all the newbies here. This is a tough journey but we can do it. {{{{{{{Hugs to all new posters}}}}}}}}


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid, I have a friend (okay only an online friend) whose husband is a sex addict. They were also married around 18 years.

He visited strip clubs, massage parlors, you name it. He had a hard time seeing himself as a sex addict.

The only thing that helped him was being sent away to REHAB in another state. She said that helped him. Now he has slip ups, but is overall very dedicated to working on his problem.

I don't know if he agree to go, I just know that going has helped some relationships. Your case may be a tad more complicated since he is lacking in remorse.

themeadows.org

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 11:30 AM, July 7th (Monday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid, You have set some preliminary boundaries and it is important to stick to them for yourself. He is not willing to admit to his issues and get help, then you need to keep the boundary that he stays out of the house.

You can not control his behavior or whether or not he wants to get help. I am glad to hear that you found SAnon. This is a difficult & emotional situation and you do need the support.

I don't know how long I should wait around for him to come back to us. I feel like I never could trust him ever again, and that our marriage is over.

Unless there are extenuating circumstances, you do not need to make a decision on this today. You need to take care of you. These answers will come in time and will most likely be based on his actions or lack there of.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. No he'd never go to a rehab place. See, he says, "I am not a sex addict". I told him on the phone recently, this is why we're separated. He said "no, me seeing another woman is why we're separated." I said both of these things. His sex addiction is what led him to the strip club to begin with, where he met the fantasy stripper, who he's been in relationship with now for months. But he doesn't see it that way. He's so far at this point from admitting he's doing anything wrong. He says, "we've had marriage problems for the past 10 years" as if that justifies his affair. I of course told him every marriage has issues, but your affair was 100% your fault and no one elses. He doesn't care I'm afraid, and really doesn't want to be married any longer. He loves the sin he's in too much to want to do anything about it.

You're lucky you wives with husbands that admit they're sex addicts. That's such a good start for reconciliation of your marriages. My husband has said recently via e-mail: "maybe I was semi-addicted but as I read stories of sex addicts from the SA book and all the weird stuff they did, "that's not me", he says.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll order it today.

Anyway, my heart is broken. I don't think I could ever ever trust my husband again, ever, he's a liar, deceiver, and doesn't care about hurting his wife and kids at all. Will keep you posted, I'm just struggling one day at a time here. Read the N/C (no contact) and how to do it. Will begin with this totally today. Wrote dh one last e-mail telling him he's making a huge mistake. NOW, I have to get on healing from this, and thinking about my life ahead with my kids.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if there will ever be a Schick Ctr. for Sex Addiction?

You know, have them do the "acting out" of their choice and give 'em a nice BIG spoonful of Syrup of Ipecac!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
mommytrax
♀ New Member
Member # 18817
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long has your WS been a sex addict, have you known, & what are they doing to deal with that (SA, etc)

I would say that my spouse has probably had this issue since his teens. I have only seriously dealt with it since 2006.

2. How does your SA act out & how much verifying do you do?

I found out about my husbands secret life in June '06. I initially found credit card statements for lingerie that I never received. My WS is big into texting and online singles sites. Strip clubs also a biggie. He had a significant relationship with a stripper that he swears wasn't physical. We own an internet business and he decided in 2006 that he would help host an escort's website. He even volunteered to take the pics for the site (what a peach huh?). He paid for this woman's apartment and a car (I think to keep her from spilling the beans to me) Her financial windfall ended when i found out and we even got the car back. I got some nasty emails that she was going to tell me all the details but she never did. He is really into pros from what I can gather. I found out using monitoring software and have monitored all home and our business stuff. However he does work another job as an IT specialist and I can't monitor him that way. Also..who knows when he might grab a laptop.


3. Has the SA had relapses / slips? Yes. Yesterday. He decided that since he gave us such a good 4th that he deserved to go out apparently. He lied and said he had to work at a remote location. Turns out he was meeting a OW. He says he felt so guilty that he got drunk and then he called me from jail with a DUI at 1:45am. He also was emailing and texting last summer while i was pregnant. I also caught him in Feb. He has admitted to being an addict but has failed to go to counseling. He wants me to monitor him but he also admits that its the rush of adrenaline he gets from planning the rendevous and eluding me that he likes. To look at him you would never know how disturbed he really is.


4. Do you have kids?

Yes. We have 5 children ages, 12,9,5,3,and 8 months.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

Finding out about his secret life and needing to share was how I found SI. I am so ashamed I can't share with anyone in real life.


6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?

Pride issues for husband to ask for help. For me...I feel like I am enabling him but I have no real options for separation due to having 5 kids and a mom on kidney dialysis and an adult brother with mental disabilities to care for. I do get paid for that but I also have expenses related to his care that I have always paid for out of that. Also...I am so embarrassed that if I left him I'd have to explain it to family and friends. It almost feels like I have done all these things and not him.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?

We've been married 15 years and the first few were really tough. We did Marriage Encounter in 1996 and that changed us a lot. I felt like we were a good team Then we both got so involved in working and building our life that I just assumed we were on the same page. Guess I was wrong.

8. Current status? Together appt. with therapist 7.21.08
Me...silent and trying to cope. Him...currently remorseful and kissing up. Kids...not realizing anything is up I hope.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: MN
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says, "we've had marriage problems for the past 10 years" as if that justifies his affair. I of course told him every marriage has issues, but your affair was 100% your fault and no one elses.

My FWH tried that one on me too after I discovered the affair. "We've been having problems for a long time now." He even told my daughter this just before she left for Europe, but he forgot to tell me!! The thing is we were having problems because of his sex addiction. Sex addicts have problems with intimacy. They don't get the satisfaction from sex with their spouses because they are getting their hits from viewing porn, masturbating, etc. Often the wife pulls away because of the sex addict is 'not there' or 'cannot perform' or 'shows little interest'. In my case, every session of sex, or sex attempts, tore away a little bit more of my self-esteem; my feeling of desirability. So he took that as a rejection of him and justified his actions in his mind. The thing is, Ingrid, these women, the mistresses, are just 'porn with skin on'. I asked my H what he felt like after he had his ONSs and every time he went to his mistress and had sex. He said it felt just like he had gone in the bedroom, looked at internet porn and masturbated.

He doesn't care I'm afraid, and really doesn't want to be married any longer. He loves the sin he's in too much to want to do anything about it.

If this is really true, your husband could be NPD. Or perhaps this is how you are interpreting what he says as meaning that because you are so afraid. Maybe he's petrified of admitting his addiction and having to do something about it, which means living without his fix. It's a powerful addiction. My FWH literally went through physical withdrawal when he made the decision to get clean.

Whatever the case, Ingrid, you need to take care of yourself. For me that was a scary thought. I had looked in my husband's eyes to define myself for so many years. And this betrayal ripped me to shreds; the worse pain I have ever felt including that which came with the death of my son 15 years ago. It strikes at your very core. But with lots of hard work, I am getting to the place where I am content with ME, and where I can live on my own if I had to...a place where I am believing that I do NOT deserve to live with a sex addict, but am worthy of much more. I'm not there yet, but I'm well on my way. You can do this, Ingrid. You can!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1forward1back said:

Often the wife pulls away because of the sex addict is 'not there' or 'cannot perform' or 'shows little interest'. In my case, every session of sex, or sex attempts, tore away a little bit more of my self-esteem; my feeling of desirability. So he took that as a rejection of him and justified his actions in his mind. The thing is, Ingrid, these women, the mistresses, are just 'porn with skin on'. I asked my H what he felt like after he had his ONSs and every time he went to his mistress and had sex. He said it felt just like he had gone in the bedroom, looked at internet porn and masturbated

That definitely describes my partner and I's situation. I had to work really hard to get sex from him. When I did, it was rushed or he wouldn't bother to finish. Sometimes he just couldn't keep it up, sol it did appear that he may have ED. I know all the masturbating wasn't leaving much for me.

Now I don't want to be intimate with him b/c I feel like I'm only a hole to him.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear 1forward1back:

((thank you)).

Your marriage sounds a lot like mine. I've never asked my husband what it feels like to be with the stripper, as he denies "sex" still, denies phone sex still, (5-10 calls a day to her still), and merely has said "I like her". So I don't know what to think. When I went to check out this strip club one afternoon last week, I had some chats with a few of the strippers who were running around nearly nude. There were little booths where the men sit on a bench and the girl strips naked and "lap dances" all over him. THIS is what my husband admitted to doing in front of our Priest when I confronted him with all the cell phone calls to her. He denies sex, denies phone sex, yet why in the h___ is he phoning her 5 times daily still? This doesn't seem like he wants to change or work on our marriage.

From books etc., it seems us, the BS need to insist our WS cut off all contact with the OW immediately, call while we're standing there ending it, or write a letter to them. I have just told my husband via e-mail what the "right" thing to do would be, that being getting help in SA, going to counseling, and ceasing all contact with her. He obviously, by the look of his cell records has not done this.

He doesn't know I'm printing out a daily record of his calls. Am saving it, for later as evidence. IF he ever brings up our relationship again, I'll ask him "have you stopped all contact with the stripper?" Then I'll see by his cell records. He's told me once that ever since we've separated he hasn't seen her. Yet his cell records show still so many calls daily. So I think he's lying through his teeth.

I'm wondering here, how should I go about things. Should I ask him point blank what do you want, your marriage or your strippers and porn? Because there isn't room for both. Right now, I'm entering the N/C no contact mode, except for kids/money issues. And see what transpires.

Have any of you asked directly what do you want? Your affairs or your marriage? Does it do any good to ask this or not? Others have told me, IF he has a change of heart, his behavior and actions will start being different. So far, they are not.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear newdaysahead:

You quoted: "Unless there are extenuating circumstances, you do not need to make a decision on this today. You need to take care of you. These answers will come in time and will most likely be based on his actions or lack there of."

After how long of waiting?

I feel like divorcing him because of this. 2 years of active strip club going, and an affair for 3 months or longer. I don't think our marriage could ever heal, or I could ever trust him again. He had numbers on his cell behind my back, then got caught, and was out the door. I'm so devastated, I can't eat or sleep very well.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you asked directly what do you want? Your affairs or your marriage? Does it do any good to ask this or not? Others have told me, IF he has a change of heart, his behavior and actions will start being different. So far, they are not

Yes. After D-Day, he had to make a choice; me or the porn/affair. He chose me immediately. Did he stop the porn viewing and masturbating immediately. No. But he did seek out a counsellor familiar with sex addiction on his own. Over time, he got rid of his 'stash'. He has had relapses and I have had to confront him or deal with it through our counseling, but I have no doubt in my heart that he is determined to stay clean. We do not have an SA group in our area, which is what he really needs. I suspect he will get lazy about this at some point and really relapse, at which time I may have to leave in order to show him the consequences are real. But for now, I demand honesty. He has to tell me if he has slipped. But for the most part, this is his work, not mine. I will no longer be hypervigilant. He has to do this, not me.

Anyway, Ingrid, I think your best bet is to continue with what you are doing. Do the NC/180. The 180 is in the healing library. Set your boundaries. Do not let him phone you and berate you, gaslight or blame you. If he starts, hang up. You do not have to listen to this. It only makes you feel worse. You are so raw right now. And so frightened about the future. You do not need any piling on.

I think you know his answer if you ask him that question. He wants both but if he has to choose right now, you know what he will probably choose. That's NOW when he has not yet hit bottom. That could change. You have to ask yourself whether or not you want to hear that answer right now.

I feel like divorcing him because of this. 2 years of active strip club going, and an affair for 3 months or longer. I don't think our marriage could ever heal, or I could ever trust him again. He had numbers on his cell behind my back, then got caught, and was out the door. I'm so devastated, I can't eat or sleep very well.

I felt like leaving my FWH every day for well over a year. EVERY DAY! And he was remorseful. It's natural to feel this way. And you may decide to do this in the end. But as others have said, don't make any major decisions just yet. I know you feel like you will feel better if you do make a decision, but you won't. No matter what you decide there are no shortcuts to healing. You have to walk right through the pain; you cannot walk around it or fly over it.

You will feel better, I promise. It will come in time. And you will feel stronger and more self-reliant for having gone through this horror. But for now, please try and eat something. Even if you have to go out and get some Ensure or other nutrition drink. You need your strength for you and your kids. Sleep will come in time. You may need to see your doctor with some help with this and the inevitable depression that comes with this crap. I didn't sleep for weeks. Eventually I crashed. My body just couldn't take it anymore. But it was a horrible few weeks not being able to sleep, especially with him lying next to me, relieved that I had 'saved him from himself', snoring away like nothing was wrong. I wanted to take a baseball bat to him. Seriously!! But you will eventually be able to sleep. For now, catch whatever cat naps you can.

{{{ingrid}}}


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1forward1back

I also knew about the porn from day 1. Didn't know it was as bad as it was. Just figured it was occasional use.

I had the same reaction as you and just detached from him sexually. The usage got even worse with the internet stuff. I knew he was doing it although he changed screens when I came into the room. We had several blowups over the years over this.

He was in denial when my IC suggested he was a SA but started therapy for it. Picked thru the books saying he wasn't like that but slowly changed his denial to acceptance with therapy.

Sex addiction was unheard of when I married him. It was boys will be boys and was widely accepted behavior.

I'm with 7 about the fact that a generation has been brought up with the internet and sex is more readily available online for free.

WH's escalated when the internet came online. Before he had to pay for magazines which he was too cheap to buy. He likes the free stuff.

Ingrid there is nothing you can do if he's not willing to seek help. Protect yourself from STD's. DO NOT take any blame for his actions. The sex addiction has nothing to do with your own appeal. It is the chemical reaction in his brain that he's addicted to not any particular girl. Believe me if he wasn't paying for that whore she'd be long gone. If he's not paying her than she's using him somehow. That's what whores do.

Start living for yourself and take care of you.

Welcome to all the newbies here. You are not alone in this struggle and it is life long. All addictions are from the time the addict gets hooked.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I STILL have a really tough time eating...even though i buy those damn supplement shakes...I'm 5' 2" & 98 lbs if i'm lucky...I've had the Disclosures...& this last onw was honest cuz he knew he'd be polygraphed...

I just don;t know if I can live with it all...I had no idea married 2o years before i found out...my H. has TONS of account. and help /counseling...
I just don't know what I want to do now...we've been sep. over 2 months...I don't even know what i want in order to R....or if I even want to...he is doing the 90 days abstinence thing...

he wants to change...is atending all his groups, etc...I just think there might be too much damage already done...

BUT, i'm a SAHM...& home school our special needs kiddo...I feel stuck...
I go to S-Anon...
My H. has been a good father & very attentive/loving H. for the most part...maybe THAT is why this is so confusing for me...he always wanted to be w/ me sexually...

and always wanted to be home w/ his family...the massage parlor/in-person acting out was new behavior...
BUT, he came from v. abusive background & drug/alcohol abuse--quit yrs. ago but no 12 Step...NOW he is in SA...
But, I'm 42...just don't know if i wanna hang on anymore...I do love him 7 I believe he has always loved me & the girls...he medicates with SA...and was exposed to porn at 4!!!!!!

HELP...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to everyone who is just joining us here...
((((hugs)))) to all of you.

So sorry you have to be here, but this place has helped me so much... Hopefully we can do the same for you.

To all the new posters- I have to say that if you can listen to the wisdom on this board and ask, ask, ask... If something doesn't feel right, or if you have questions- ask them. The people here have walked in your shoes, and a lot of them are on the *good* side of this nightmare...(as "good" as it can be, I guess)

Pebbles- I'm glad your H had such a great display of realization... I swear, sometimes a wedding ring seems to be the biggest turn on to all the insecure whores in the world!

Mourning 123- You're not delusional- A lot of us have stayed with our spouses, when, if you had asked me the day before I found out about all of this, would I stay? I would have said absolutely not... I am still shocked sometimes about the fact that I'm here, but it helps me to realize that this is a real addiction, and my H truly wants to rid himself of it. He's been tortured by it his entire life (since about age 8) and he is so happy to finally have a name for it and a game plan to treat it.

Newdaysahead- God bless you! You've been put through it, huh? It sounds like, hopefully, with him in meetings, that he agrees there's a problem and is willing to put your marriage first... I know it's so hard to not feel exhausted with all of this- I think your screen name sounds hopeful, though... It sounds like he is finally taking the steps to heal (which before, the "slips" were destined to keep happening, if no treatment was introduced.) Keep your head up- and hell, if you need full disclosure- Tell him that you need that in order to move through this... It doesn't seem like an unreasonable request. Tell him that it feels new and raw each time you find out something you didn't know before and it's holding you back... Good Luck- We're here for you.

Ingrid- I agree that the 180 seems to be the best option for you right now- If he doesn't admit that he has a problem, the only person you can help is yourself... Hopefully the place he's staying may shed some light on the addictive arena and he may start to see some similarities... Until then- Take care of you the best you can- Sometimes it has to hit rock bottom before they start looking up for help... I wish you luck and strength.

Mommytrax- Does your H admit to being SA and/or had formal treatment? (I'm interested b/c of the slip up over the 4th weekend... So sorry you had to deal with that) I hope your counseling session goes well... I'm sorry that you are here, but if it has to be, I'm glad you found us- You will get lots of information here- I know the feeling about not having anyone to discuss this with, but believe me- You have nothing to be embarrased about. This is his burden- Don't take it on for yourself. You've done nothing wrong... I'm sure you know this, but sometimes it helps to hear it over and over again... Hold your head high honey- You have nothing to feel badly about yourself about.

ScribblingMum- I feel for you... But I do have to say- You have to decide what YOU want. As hard as it is, and having the children you have and the responsibilities you have- You still need to try to put that aside (as much as possible) and decide what you want. The thing is, if you stay out of fear (and I mean fear of not having the resources to care for your children, etc) then you will live the rest of your life feeling badly and hurting yourself emotionally. If you stay because you decide that your marriage is worth it and you do, in fact love this man... then I believe you can get through it together. One thing I am struggling with lately is that the "attention" and help gets so directed at the SA, that OUR recovery sometimes gets put on the back burner....(and I'm guilty of even doing it to myself) You need to recover too. You need to work this out in your head and in your heart. But either way, you have to work through it. If you leave and give up without doing your work- I think you are not going to be happy either... It's so tough, and I don't mean any of it harshly- I just think that you ahve to sit down and really, really make the decision with your whole heart (as broken as it may be- gather up all the pieces and have a conference!) You will be okay whatever decision comes out in the end... You will make it work.

Good luck to all of you- I'm sorry this post was so long, and if I neglected anyone else who was recently posting, I'm so sorry-

I was a bit overwhelmed to see so many new posts over the weekend! It made me so sad to see how many "newbies" are dealing with this.... (I'm still a "newbie" myself)- But then I figure that at least we're here to get some answers and to help get this chaos somewhat straight... Thanks to everyone for helping me to get there myself...


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
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