We can't afford it either but we made changes and sacrifices so that we could manage it. It sucks but if he wants to get sober (and if you want him sober) you need to find a way to make it work.
Seeing a therapist who is not trained to treat this just because it's cheaper or covered by insurance is worse than getting no treatment at all.
This is strictly MY OPINION, or course.
Some counselors will work with patients with lower income and/or no insurance to make it more affordable. It can't hurt to ask.
If you're hoping to have someone say that your H will never again act out, I'm afraid you're in for a great disappointment. There is NO guarantee. Everyone here has learned that the hard way.
Stay brave for you and your child, check in with SI on a regular basis for support, and see your doctor for help if you feel you need it. (There's no shame in asking for an anti-depressant.)
Take care of yourself.
I was thinking this morning on my run that reconciling with an SA is different than reconciling with someone without addiction. I was reflecting on some of the posts I read from people whose spouses are able to be there for their betrayed spouses in a way that someone with addictions doesn't seem able to -- at least not at the start. Just when we need them the most -- in the days/weeks/months following Dday, they're wrestling their own addiction to the ground, which requires enormous energy and focus. So I think for us, it's just going to be different -- a far longer battle. It's when they're able to develop healthy coping behaviours and acknowledge our pain without it triggering their own shame that I think reconciliation will become less of a minefield.
Hang in there....I'm hanging by my fingernails myself!
You also made a profound statement about the SA's lack of knowing what intimacy is. I don't even know what it is anymore it's been so long.
My WH learned his sex stuff from porn. His parents taught him nothing. I would think after all these years he would have picked up something from me but he overlooked everything I wanted to do and just wanted to have sex with no intimacy so I gave up.
I have read Out of the Shadows and other books on sex addiction and learned that even if he gets sober this will be a lifelong battle for him to keep from relapsing.
His idea was to separate so he could date me. I told him if we separate that will be it for me. If he can't learn to be intimate with me here then how is he going to learn it with me gone.
I'm not sure anymore if I want to stay in a relationship with this SA problem constantly hanging over this marriage.
Last week I had a full blown anxiety attack over his behavior to the point where I was having trouble breathing. Was nauseated for 2 days after that. His suggesting separation before that just threw me off. I just lost it. Good old PTSD came calling and I told him to get out I've had enough and that's when the anxiety attack hit. Colitis acted up for days.
It's been a long time since something like that has happened to me so I guess that's an improvement. I went thru EMDR to get control of the PTSD. If this starts happening too often again I guess I'll just have to separate from him.
I rarely post anymore (about me), but am struggling deeply with this issue. I do not want to put a label on my FWS yet, but I have felt for a very long time that there is more to our story and needed to *hear* it from others that my concerns are possibly correct....
My FWS (WS) had an A that lasted a few months with someone from another state. She would travel to whatever state he was in for business and stay with (service) him. He ended it immediately upon discovery...to my shock he never looked back! Four months later he confessed to prostitutes when he went on a all boys fishing trip to Costa Rica annually for 5 years. Now I believe there could be more. He travels to Vegas for business....and well, you know.
Last night I decided to check on him (work laptop). To my surprise I found he has been visiting numerous porno sites daily. Most are your basic stuff, but some cross into a different world I can not understand to put it nicely. There is one that is centered around one chick and she offers chat and live video...I do not know if he went that far, but I don't doubt it!
I have found Hustler hidden away. I know he has serviced himself (he says it's normal and I agree to a point). He tends to be almost overly touchy with me (always has)...a pat on the butt with a slip of the finger where it doesn't need to be at that time... Or a word triggers him into sex talk...very annoying.
He has several addictions. Smoking, drinking, gambling...etc...It's amazing he has a great job (and holds it) and is well respected?? He replaces one with the other and rotates them around. I try to help him see he is out of control and he tries to slow down. He has been to IC, but the Dr. seemed to not get into any of this and made him feel like he was ok so he stopped. He did get on AD's and it has helped his mood and he is doing everything to try and make things better.
I noticed his behavior from the beginning of our relationship, but chalked it up to age at the time. Well, he should of grown up by now...I have been trying to understand what is going on with him. He keeps things so well hidden. It is easy for him because he travels a few times a month. I'm now afraid he *may* be doing the hook up thing when he is out of town. No evidence. Just learning what really goes on...He calls alot when he is out of town. But really, does it matter? No. I'm not stupid, but I am trying to give him the chance to prove himself. To regain my trust.
I'm rambling and I am sorry. I feel like the last few years have destroyed the last 16...Nothing is what it was and everything is not what it seemed. The secrets and lies have stolen my past and my memories. But the red flags I felt 10 years ago are popping up, front and center! It's sickening...
Does it seem like I should bring up SA to him? I don't know what is "normal". I don't know if I should be concerned or not. I don't know if I should run!
I have gone to a few sites listed, but the RANGE is so huge it makes it very difficult...not to mention I really do not know what he is hiding...
Thanks for listening....and for any advice and support you have to offer!
"The only thing left to do is forgive and forget. I want to forgive you and I want to forget you!" ~Lauren Conrad
~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown
Your story sounds a lot like mine. My husband had an affair with his assistant who basically made herself available whenever he wanted. He dropped her without looking back when I discovered what was going on.
Six months later, on a hunch, I asked him to tell me "everything" and he did. It spanned our entire relationship and had started before. He too would grab me and grope me a lot. I used to try and explain how it made me feel but he made me feel like a prude and that he just found me sexy. He makes a lot of inappropriate jokes -- just always crossing the line, if you know what I mean. Now I understand it -- I think when you've been exposed to such amounts and level of porn, off-color jokes seem pretty tame. But to the rest of us, they were really off-color. So it all makes sense to me now with the awareness of his SA.
And Latina, I can't really help with your question. My husband admitted to himself that he was SA after taking a few online surveys, then found himself an SA counsellor. I'm not sure how someone else goes about diagnosing. Maybe someone else on the site can help you.
But in any case, hang in there. Keep posting for support. We've all been there in some shape or form...
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. If it's any consolation, I often find that I crash before coming to some realization or epiphany. It's like I have to get really low to bounce back higher. So maybe what you're going through is simply preparing you for a greater awareness or clarity. I'm currently reading Pema Chodron's Heart Advice for Difficult Times. She's a Buddhist nun (!!) who believes that it's the dark times in our lives when we learn the most about ourselves and our strength. But we spend so much time running from the pain that we don't absorb the lessons. It's interesting and is helping me see that perhaps this is all taking me to a place of strength.
I know why I'm still with him is because every other aspect of the marriage has been great. He's good to me in every other way. If he didn't have this addiction he would be perfect in every way. Yes he's manipulative but that's all part of the addictive behavior.
I am just trying to give him a chance to get control of this addiction. We'll see.
He too would grab me and grope me a lot. I used to try and explain how it made me feel but he made me feel like a prude and that he just found me sexy. He makes a lot of inappropriate jokes -- just always crossing the line, if you know what I mean. Now I understand it -- I think when you've been exposed to such amounts and level of porn, off-color jokes seem pretty tame. But to the rest of us, they were really off-color.
This is EXACTLY my husband! For so many years he made me feel like you said...a prude.
He has such a difficult time facing challenges. After his A he admitted that he has been depressed since high school and was even suicidal. When the A came to light, fear took over and he HAD to talk with someone immediately.
He tells me I am the person who saved him and helped him become who he is (in a respected work position/owning a home, etc). That he feels he would be dead had I not come along....but he has this second life that I did not know existed. He was very good at keeping it hidden away. But thanks to SI....I have been educated on many levels.
Thank you again...
[This message edited by LisaP at 1:11 PM, June 30th (Monday)]
We are going to counseling. Well, I hope so. He threw a fit b/c I made an appointment without speaking to him first. He tried to convince me we didnt have a problem. Um hello he lookes up prostitutes and erotic massage parlors in addition to looking at porn and barely touching me. Um HELLO that is a problem. Oh yes and he looks up adult travel sites,too.
There have been so many lies with him. He tried to tell me he had low libido. It did make sense for awhile, then I discovered he was looking up pin ups. I wasn't even out the room good, and he was looking. I mean DANG is it that important? Anywayz, he has had issues keeping it up during sex, but I'm sure that's because he uses his sexual energy on other women. Of course, by the end of the day there isnt' much left for me.
I can tell in other, more graphic ways that he was masturbating a lot.
Honestly, at this point I don't want to touch him like that. He's gonna have to get tested and rebuild my trust before I even think about trusting him with my body ever again.
He too would grab me and grope me a lot. I used to try and explain how it made me feel but he made me feel like a prude and that he just found me sexy. He makes a lot of inappropriate jokes -- just always crossing the line, if you know what I mean
I talked to OH about this just yesterday. He spanks me a lot, and sometimes he does it quite hard.
He makes borderline inappropriate jokes. He has what he calls a pimp stick and says he's gonna beat me with it. He also says he's going to "pimp" me out to make him some money. Of course, he does it all jokingly, but I don't think it's funny at all. I don't remember him always joking like that. It's almost like it came out of nowhere.
I told him that I think he has a prostitute fixation. He doesn't think he has a problem.
He too would grab me and grope me a lot. I used to try and explain how it made me feel but he made me feel like a prude and that he just found me sexy. He makes a lot of inappropriate jokes -- just always crossing the line, if you know what I mean.
Wow, Eternaloptimist. This actually brought tears to my eyes. This is EXACTLY what I dealt with so many years. WH and I argued so many times about how he just finds me "sexy" and that I essentially was just a prude. I likened it to living with a 16 year old who never grew up (WH was only 19 when we got together).
It doesn't seem like the worst thing to live with but it really wore on me over the years. It feels so strange to know that other people have been dealing with the same behavior - and the feelings brought on by that behavior.
He spanks me a lot, and sometimes he does it quite hard.
My WH used to do that a lot--to the point where it would hurt. He doesn't do it much anymore, but it was another behavior that he seemed to think was supposed to make me feel good about myself but I just got to find really irritating.
I told him that he seemed to be in a hurry all the time. The caressing and long sensuous kissing are gone. At first, I thought it was just how things progressed in a relationship.
Now I know that's what he sees all day and mimicks-porn. There's not a lot of lovingness portrayed there.
Also, he has problems keeping it up. I presume that's one reason why he's in a hurry. I guess he's already tired from whacking off all day and doesn't have much to give me. He had a jar of vaseline by his computer...RED FLAG!!! When I do get some, I get leftovers. It's like he's giving his best to pornstars and escorts. Anyone else deal with that?
He said he may have ED, but I know better. I know what's really going on now. Looking back, it's all starting to make sense.
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 4:21 PM, June 30th (Monday)]
What are you doing for you? Do you see an IC?
It sounds like he's still acting out. That is not healthy.
Has your husband admitted he is a sex addict? Is he getting treatment or working a program?
What are you doing for you? Do you see an IC?
It sounds like he's still acting out. That is not healthy.
It sounds like he's still acting out. That is not healthy.
What makes me most angry is that he thinks everything is fine. We are scheduled to have our first counseling session tomorrow. He asked why. I told him it's because of our sex life problems. He thinks we have none.
Right now he's in complete denial.
He is very much acting out, and he doesnt' even try to hide it. He knows I look at his viewing history, and makes no attempt to hide what he does.
I'm going to a counselor who is supposed to have experience with sex addicts. I *hope* they diagnose him. I'm not a dcotor or anything but it's very obvious he has problems.
Sorry, I'm new. What's an IC?
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 5:23 PM, June 30th (Monday)]
FiestyWoman -- I too just thought my husband was a bit immature. He was the geeky academic in high school so I always thought his inappropriate comments were a way of trying to seem cool. Now, of course, I know otherwise. There are so many things that when I look back made me uncomfortable...but that I just made excuses for. He used to watch a couple out of his condo window (he was on the 11th floor and there was a couple on a lower floor of another building that used to have sex with the shades open (h'mmmm...sex addicts, perhaps??) and my husband always pointed it out to people. I used to wonder who the hell cared what they were doing...but my husband was fixated.
Well, folks, I'm on ADs, despite much protestation on my part. I was getting that I thought frequently about suicide (not so much doing it, as just wishing I could be diagnosed with a terminal illness -- die in a noble way) that it seemed stupid not to go on ADs. My mother had a prescription drug addiction so I was resistant, but I've been on Effexor for about a week now and feel like a sliver of sunlight is making its way into my dark mind.
However, I'm absolutely exhausted -- I yawn uncontrollably all day long. Did anyone else ever experience this on medication? It doesn't seem to be one of the side effects, but it's bizarre how much I yawn.
Hypersexuality is similar to SA but not the same. hypersexuality is something that bipolars will do in a manic state, which can be controlled by medication. SA is an addiction.
I cannot emphasize how much I am aware that a pill is not going to cure H. I am painfully aware of it. However, I truly believe that WH is both exhibiting hypersexual tendencies and is also a SA. I can't explain it well, but looking back there's a difference between when he is acting out because he's feeling manic and when he's acting out because of his addiction.
I am relieved there is a diagnosis because I don't think therapy alone was going to help H because I "knew" there was more to it than being a SA. I don't think medication alone will help him. I don't think IC alone will help him. I think he needs a combination of the two in order to get through this.
H decided not to take the medication right now. He had a bad experience with the psychiatrist so he is going for a 2nd opinion. He assures me that if the 2nd opinion says that particular medication is the way to go, he will do it. He's just really concerned about the side effects his hysterical (and very bipolar) friend warned him about. She's a whole separate story though (not a sexual relationship at all, but the girl is whacko).
[This message edited by beagle lover at 10:08 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]
He too would grab me and grope me a lot. I used to try and explain how it made me feel but he made me feel like a prude and that he just found me sexy. He makes a lot of inappropriate jokes -- just always crossing the line, if you know what I mean. Now I understand it -- I think when you've been exposed to such amounts and level of porn, off-color jokes seem pretty tame. But to the rest of us, they were really off-color. So it all makes sense to me now with the awareness of his SA
I think the groping and stuff might be an excuse for the porn.
WH was always grabbing me and doing "playful" things like unzipping my fly in public, grabbing my breast in a secluded spot when out and about, and laugh when I got embarrassed. He's also not one for foreplay (I think that's because of the porn). When I complained that I just felt like an orfice with boobs, he went from wanting me all of the time to not wanting me at all. And I felt like a prude and a failure. Granted I am not an affectionate person (bad childhood) but I never understood how he could almost completely shut me out sexually because I told him I needed to be warmed up. WH told me recently it gave him a justification to retreat into porn.
EO, I'm glad you are feeling better while on the AD. I wish I could help you with the side effects, but I don't have any experience with that particular medication. Hope you're feeling less exhausted though.
[This message edited by beagle lover at 10:20 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]