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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
beagle lover
♀ New Member
Member # 19694
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always been vocal about my disapproval though. There was not any stuff I see in the books like "Oh, honey. You work so hard. I'm so proud of you for being gone all night without notice to provide for us."

Oh God I know exactly what you mean. WH works insane hours, a lot of which is on call, and he has health problems. There is nothing in any book to help with that


Me 33
WH 37 SA/Porn Addict/had ONS with OM and EA with ex co-worker
Married 10 years
No kids
Lots of D-Days along the way, but ONS D-Day 5/28/08
Going to give R another chance. Hoping for honesty this time around

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Rhode Island
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also really having a hard time with the codependent/co-addict label.

It is hard for that not to sound a little like " if you weren't the way you are, your WH wouldn't be the way he is."

Our MC and WH's IC have certainly not taken that approach - but I find the Patrick Carnes' books troubling in that sense.

I am willing to take the label "partner of a sex addict" - and I am willing to (try) to be there to support him while he gets help---but I am not willing to take on a label that somehow involves me in his behavior. Everyone ultimately makes their own choices - addiction or not.

Besides - in every relationship, people make accomodations for their partner. In a good relationship, that works, - your strengths cover my weaknesses (hopefully). So, I don't think that spouses trying to do that for their partner - who then does down the SA road - automatically become co-addicts.

[This message edited by FeistyWoman at 12:34 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I refuse to call myself a co-addict -- and this is after careful inventory of my own behaviour. I can be brutally honest with myself and in fact am usually relieved to be able to accept some responsibility for the problem because it gives me some control over the outcome. While I do believe that makes me a wee bit co-dependent, I don't buy the co-addict thing.
Which is why I'm also not a big fan of a 12-step group for me. I honestly think I'd be fine (I WAS fine...) if it weren't for this pesky little problem that pervades my entire relationship and has since its inception. Sure I've got my issues -- who doesn't? But I've built a life based on integrity, honesty, compassion and hard work, because it matters to me to live a life I'm proud of. Ironically, I thought my husband was the epitome of all that -- I often described him as the most principled person I'd ever met, based on his commitment and honesty in his career and his friendships. I overlooked the fact that he lied (by omission) to his family, as many people do that.
Sorry..I'm rambling. I'm feeling really angry these days and am venting. I'm just so furious that I'm in this situation. I had spent so much of my early adult life coming to terms with my mom's alcoholism and working my ass off to heal from that...only to think I'd "made it", felt safe enough to have kids (ie. didn't think I'd pass along any unhealthy coping mechanisms), then get completely blindsided by this. I'm almost afraid to pick myself up because who knows what's going to knock me down next time.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Cor_en_fa
♀ Member
Member # 19111
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cor_en_fa I sent you a PM with links to good resources online, just figured most of the people here have seen my list of resources so many times they didn't need to see it again. Can you post some reasons why you suspect your partner might be a SA? What brought you to us?

I don't know if my husband is SA or not. His counselor has just started to broach the subject with him. He came home from IC last week and mentioned it. I found out in March that he had been involved in an 18 month affair that had started out has strictly sexual and evolved into emotional/sexual. Prior to that I knew he had a brief internet thing in 2005 and in 2003 had come on to my sister. That is all I really knew about. I've found out this week that he's had 11 affairs. 2 prior to our marriage, 2 the first 2.5 years of our marriage. Then supposedly a "break" where he dated someone during a 2 year period, but it wasn't sexual. And then 5 affairs (2 lasting more than a year, 1 ONS, 1 brief affair, 1 I can't recall what the details were) in the last 7 years. He's always been very into pornography and some slightly "off" sexual behavior in the marriage that I thought was no big deal since we were married and all. He says he loves me and all of his affairs have always just been a sex thing (except for this last one) he just really seems to thrive on the excitement of a secret affair. I'm just gobsmacked right now. I don't know where we stand in terms of reconciliation. He could be SA or he could just be a selfish asshole. I don't know which.

I really appreciate the pm with the information I needed. Thanks for being so helpful, 7.


Me: BS (36)
2 children
Divorce finalized 2/19/09 after a 13 year marriage.
This boat has sailed.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: United States
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thrives on the secrecy of sex outside the marriage?? Sounds SA to me...though I'm no expert.
I'm sorry for all you've been through. It's a lot to absorb so take your time to let it digest. I see you've filed for divorce but seem to be holding out hope for reconciliation. Looks like the ball is in your husband's court. What does he think? Is he willing to do the hard work of getting to the root of it all and take complete responsibility for what he's done? He's sure put you through the wringer...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

had come on to my sister
has anyone heard stories from others of WS doing /saying things suggestive to family/friends ? Only a few know so far but my s-i-l and friend's H--saw and heard several red flags and never told me until after Dday.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well -
I just found out this morning, that my wife of 15 years is a SA.

I knew she had problems with affairs when our relationship started, because IT was an affair. I wasn't her first. Not by a long shot. Her behavior didn't start with me. I happen to be a partner to an addict, but I will never agree to the label "co-dependent" - bunch of GARBAGE!

My MC says she wants me to go to a CoDA group. I'll go just to humor her. (that was a joke, by the way.)

She had had a few affairs here and there -and it always seemed "driven" by her dissatisfaction with things about me. And I bought into it, hook line and sinker.

It has taken all these years for me to finally get to the root of it all (and that damn cell phone was the worst enabler of all!).

Now - the rest of my life is going to consist of: me destroying my career, future earning potential, any chance at happiness, because NOW I have to babysit this woman, watch her like a hawk, and make sure she stays faithful and does not fall off the wagon? (only to get betrayed again the very next chance she gets - because the watching has only caused resentment).

Then; she'll eventually be outed by someone else, and then everyone else will know what she's up to - and think I'm the moron, or a bad husband, etc.

TRUE: it seems to have ramped up to something much worse in the past few months (unless I'm mistaken about the degree to which she was sleeping around before).

TRUE: she does appear to be making a strong effort in the past 20 days or so to stay "clean" (but the resentment has been building. I can feel it.)

Is there any chance of recovery at all?

And have other partners of SA also encountered a strong desire to control all money (so that they have access to do affairs, and YOU don't have any money at all to pay a PI or a divorce lawyer? Thank GOD I didn't let her go after my IRA when she was asking about it!

Someone please PM me with any info. I'm running out of time to read/post at these sites, I've got a life to rebuild. . .


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

toonice,
I've been reading your posts. Your post in another thread where you admit to your own sex addiction caught my attention. You claim to be spontaneously cured. I'm sorry, but that's not likely. You even say you've likely just redirected your acting out to being on SI instead. This is quite possibly just a sexual anorexic phase for you. I asked my rSAH (recovering SA husband) to read your posts and he agrees with me. We've been on the path to recovery for about 2+ years and he is 22 mos sober. We know a bit about what we're saying.

You've got a serious addict and co-addict relationship going on here. In fact you are BOTH sex addicts and you are BOTH co-dependent, co-addicts. You are very unhealthily enmeshed with each other. It doesn't matter who did what when or first. You probably both came into the relationship as addicts and didn't even know it. You BOTH need treatment in order to heal and get into recovery. I suggest you both try to find a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) and start there. You each need your OWN CSAT, you a man, she a woman. You can find them (hopefully) in your area by going to:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

I'm sorry you're feeling so angry, hurt and confused right now but there is help available for both of you if you'll just reach out for it.

I've encouraged two other SAs to ask the mods for a "Recovering SAs" thread in "I Can Relate", I hope they ask and the mods start one. It would be nice for you to have both resources.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 that would be so great if they started a thread for SA's. Maybe my WH, who is a member, would join in the discussion there.

Is you WH a member too?


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also mods if you're listening it should be for SA's only because of the nature of their discussions.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, my FWH isn't on SI. This is my safe place but I do confer with him all the time about the advice I give.

The internet is a slippery slope for him. He acted out on message boards and stuff so it's not a good idea (his rule, not mine) He is doing great in his real life group. That is much healthier for him.

I'd love to see a safe place for SAs to post. There are so many who can't find real life support groups in their area.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
howcouldhe1
♀ Member
Member # 13210
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7, I think that would be a brilliant idea. I'm sure my WH would benefit from that. He hardly posts at all on here now because he is ashamed of all the lies he told me and everyone in Wayward and he's too embarrassed to face them again.


Me BS 54 FWH (BT) 52 M 22 years D Day 4/11/06 Over a year of trickle truths. March 08. D Day 2. Online porn and SA. Just when I thought we'd be ok, July 19 08. BT had accident. Severe brain damage, in persistent vegetative state. I lost him anyway.

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Kent UK
PTRN
♀ Member
Member # 19730
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beagle: Exactly. I suspect I still have more D days ahead of me, but the health issues and long hours alone were enough at times. I struggled with being annoyed, and I struggled with trying to determine if it was diabetes making my H sleep the day away, or personal choice.

When a spouse with legitimate health issues cries illness, it's just hard to know for sure if they really do feel that physically ill, or if they're trying to get away with checking out emotionally.


Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping for newbies.

Seems to be popping up more and more in JFO and General. I'm happy* about that. There are so many more out there who don't even know it yet.
7


*I'm not happy that SA is so prevalent!
I'm happy more people are becoming aware and reaching out for help. They're gonna need it!


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
beagle lover
♀ New Member
Member # 19694
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I posted in the PTSD thread, I had a trigger filled weekend and I am not happy at how I reacted.

It all started when my car was broken into on Thursday night at a friend's house and my book bag was stolen, which essentially was my life. I feel so violated, betrayed, pissed off, and helpless.

Then I had a really vivid nightmare (several actually) where WH was back on the porn and the ads. He trued reassuring me, but the fact he switched his laptop to clear out the internet history daily did not help.

Both issues caused me to lash out. When WH spoke to me about the Out of the Shadows chapter about co-addicts, I didn't react well. I told him I didn't like the term. He thought I was refusing to cope with my contributions/problems in the relationship. I'm not - I just don't like the term.

In addition, he said his head is in chaos and he sometimes wonders if leaving me would be the best for both of us. That's a major trigger for me, that I am going to risk my heart again by R only to have him decide that meeting me was a symptom of his addiction and leave me. so I heard what he said as "I am going to leave you". He said he didn't mean it like that - he meant that his head is in chaos and that's one thought that pops into his head. Not a thought he takes seriously, but he wants to consider all possible options.

So my reaction makes him not want to be open and honest with me, and now I feel guilty for overreacting even though intellectually I know I shouldn't because I had a traumatic experience. *sigh* I feel unsettled now.


Me 33
WH 37 SA/Porn Addict/had ONS with OM and EA with ex co-worker
Married 10 years
No kids
Lots of D-Days along the way, but ONS D-Day 5/28/08
Going to give R another chance. Hoping for honesty this time around

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Rhode Island
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help.

I just told my IC yesterday that one of my fears is that my FWH might be a sex addict.

I had no indication of it before...he has other addictive behavior that he is out of denial of, and hasn't had a drink since d-day, almost a year.

He says that the only times he cheated were when he was absolutely hammered...but I can't let go of the fact that I think there could be more.

And it is driving me crazy.

The only time he ever masturbated was during his 8 month "acting out" phase, when he was doing all sorts of crazy shit that I wasn't aware of...

In my past, I have had sex while intoxicated when I shouldn't have...but that was because I had no self-esteem and was not facing issues from abuse in the past.

When I felt better about myself as a person, I nolonger acted out that way.

I nearly ruined my own life by abusing alcohol...and acted out in a way so similar to my H....although I was always single.

So where is the line?

If my H hasn't acted out sexually since d-day (to my knowledge) and swears that all that he told me is the truth (and I have verified the crap out of it) am I just being a paranoid BS...

like I said...help...please...

[This message edited by healingtree at 8:40 AM, June 23rd (Monday)]


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

healingtree,
I don't know enough of your story to hazard a guess. Sometimes it's very easy, there are so many red flags it's very apparent but in your case I just don't have enough information.

His history of alcoholism and acting out while drunk is certainly a cause for concern. Dual addictions are pretty much the rule, rather than the exception.

Does he have a history of porn use? (not just online: videos, DVDS, magazines etc) Compulsive masturbation? Using adult hookup sites?

Would he be willing to take an online evaluation?
http://sexhelp.com/addiction_tests.cfm

Some wives take it from the husband's perspective but I don't think that's helpful. You cannot be inside his head and know his true thoughts and feelings.

He stopped drinking with no support or treatment? Has he done that before? (That could be an indicator of him just going through anorexic phases, he may not really be sober. In fact it's doubtful. Addicts don't get and maintain sobriety without treatment.)

Are there specific things you'd like to discuss that led you to come in and ask? What are the red flags for you, hon?

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess this came up as one of my fears in counseling yesterday. I realize my fear is what is holding me back....a lot...and I believe that I might be creating issues where there are issues, but not specifically THIS issue...if that makes any sense?

He does NOT compulsively masturbate, in fact, I have never seen him do that at all, and we have NO privacy. We have had what I considered, and I believe he did too, a healthy sex life...he has never pushed me for anything...and never showed any desire for anything other than what we had together.

We occasionally watched porn together, but he never watched it alone until he was in his "year of hell"...and even then, it wasn't an everyday thing, or even every week.

Since d-day, it has been a on the list of unacceptable behaviors.

IT hurts me, and that is enough for him to stop.

He has FOO issues...and I can see problems arising from that, but not everyone with FOO issues becomes a sex addict, wkim?

I think my greatest struggle right now is believing that it was what he said it was...

Stupid, drunken ONSs that continued to happen because instead of facing the problem, he would end up drinking MORE to cover it up, and would end up back in the same stupid painful place.

He was truly shocked when I decided to stay...he was certain that I would leave when I found out (left my 1st H)therefore felt he couldn't come home and confess the first time it happened.

I just want to make sure I am not creating things in my reality in order to protect myself...I have held onto this fear for a long time, and working on letting it go.

Seems kind of opposite of what most people do, huh?

I am a fixer, and if I label him SA...then I have something to work with...

Don't want to be fighting windmills

I guess the two choices are, leave out of fear that he is, or, stay and try and trust that his truth is the truth.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
beagle lover
♀ New Member
Member # 19694
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

healingtree,
Be careful that you're not labelling just so that the situation fits into a neat little box that you can rationalize/control/fix. Believe me, I know how much easier something is to deal with when it has a name.
Based on what you've told us, I'm not getting the SA red flags so much as I am the alcoholic flags, but who am I to know?
I would recommend taking a look at the sexhelp.com site to see if it clears anything up for you.


Me 33
WH 37 SA/Porn Addict/had ONS with OM and EA with ex co-worker
Married 10 years
No kids
Lots of D-Days along the way, but ONS D-Day 5/28/08
Going to give R another chance. Hoping for honesty this time around

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Rhode Island
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He totally and 100% admits, acknowledges, and discusses his alcholism...openly...with me, and with anyone who asks.

There is no question at all in my mind that he is lacking clarity as far as that is concerned...if I can feel comfortable with anything right now, it is that he knows one drink, just one, will put him into a disasterous and painful place...

As a matter of fact, he was wondering to a client why, since he has quit drinking, he feels so much more tired and achy, and with less energy to work...

The client (md) told him that alcohol numbs the body as well as the mind, and with the amount he was drinking, it was no wonder he didn't feel a thing.

He is learning more about himself as he gains sobriety (probably alot like sobriety from SA?) and I imagine that dealing with his alcoholism has been his first priority...getting back on his feet.

I know that in fear I might label him as a SA in order to stop myself from trusting him. There will always be the possibility that he could hurt me again. If he hadn't gotten caught, his addiction for booze might have easily rolled into a SA as well...

But I caught him, something he thanks God for, because he KNOWS that during that time, under the burden of his alcoholic haze, he could not make healthy choices for himself.

Now he can, and does, every day.

I thank you for your responses...like I said, this has been a fear of mine since d-day. I am really trying to just work through my fears...and after IC...I realized this was a BIG one.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
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