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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have your answer and if it helps at all I think that you're doing the right thing. I agree that he hasn't hit bottom or faced this and it's not looking like he ever will. Save yourself. Save your children. Let him go. It's his burden and he'll have to reap what he sows.

That said, I know that knowing all that on an intellectual level doesn't do jack shit for your emotional state. This HURTS. It's devastating to be forced to give up on your marriage. Your hopes. Your dreams. Your life has been literally ripped out from under you through no fault of your own. IT SUCKS!! You need to mourn it. It's like a death. It really is. So take care of YOU. You deserve it. You are a valuable person. You MATTER.

That's exactly what my counselor told me. I have had close family members die and I think that divorce is so much harder than death. He is still alive. Going on with his life. I can't call him and it would do no good if I did. I also don't have a cemetary to go visit. Not only have I lost my husband but also my best friend and the one person that I would have gone to when I needed someone.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, if any of you haven't seen this thread:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=239221
I could use a little backup if things go south. Obviously, if you don't agree I'm cool with that but I suspect most of you will. I really hung myself out there and now I'm scared of backlash. I could use some backup if anyone feels ok about giving it.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 yrs I went over there and posted something. Not sure how much it will help. I'm really not in the mood to argue with any of them today.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm there with you too, honey.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
healingheart
♀ Member
Member # 16477
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hia 7yrs.I am the partner of a sa and I dont come on here so much latley but I have read lots of your posts before and I did read the one you replied to earlier.I have to agree that I agreed with everything you said.

Its such a complicated subject.



Posts: 676 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: UK
Cor_en_fa
♀ Member
Member # 19111
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can someone point me in the direction of learning more about SA? My husband is likely a SA, but I need more information about it.


Me: BS (36)
2 children
Divorce finalized 2/19/09 after a 13 year marriage.
This boat has sailed.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: United States
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome healingheart Keep posting, this is a great thread. You'll find support here!

Cor_en_fa I sent you a PM with links to good resources online, just figured most of the people here have seen my list of resources so many times they didn't need to see it again. Can you post some reasons why you suspect your partner might be a SA? What brought you to us?

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
healingheart
♀ Member
Member # 16477
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thankyou 7yrsbetrayed.



Posts: 676 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: UK
PTRN
♀ Member
Member # 19730
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going to have a look.

I so appreciate this thread.


Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2008
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found SA support through 7, she recognized enough info in my posts to think that SA might be what I'm dealing with. Thank-you 7 and your PM. Make it shorter: My WH has several serious illnesses and through the years it all took it toll on our M. In March I found emails to him in response to his emails from many young Asian women regarding paying cell bills to Phillipines and how they loved him and missed him. Guess you can pay for anything ! 1 mo. later he left for business to Thailand and has been gone 3 mo (has been there total of 5 mo. in last yr) Thailand's #1 tourist attraction is prostitution. I was receiving 1 email a week with 2-4 lines. Haven't received any for 2 wks. Never has called me.If it wasn't for his credit car/ checking acct bills I wouldn't even know the hotel he's in ! I see the lawyer next week. he's suppose to be back the 25th for kidneystone surgery.I don't think he'll be back. I think he's at the consumed stage and that is pretty much his thoughts now.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're welcome gma56. Remember, I'm not a professional so I can't officially diagnose anything I can only point out things that match up with my knowledge of SA.

I just want to help people identify it IF it's the problem because then there are options.

Knowledge is power.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 12:57 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

C&P from the PTSD thread. I'm finding that they are becoming sort of interchangeable for me but then realized that some of this stuff might be helpful here and you all might not venture over to read. So, here is my last post over there.

Someone asked me:

Have you explained elsewhere why you are not leaving this person?

Because I love him. Because he got into recovery and is working his program hard. Because he is 22 months sober. Because he is a wonderful father. Because he has an illness, he's not just an asshole. Because I know that he's the right person for me in the long run. Because I love him and he loves me. What I described in that post are the symptoms of my illness (Complex-PTSD, not just from his betrayal and illness but from my childhood of emotional abuse) that I need to recover from. I know on an intellectual level that it's MY stuff and I doubt he'll leave me but my broken bits are scared.
Separately, I'll add that I understand the reaction of the people in your group. They were afraid. And I'll go slightly out on a limb and speculate that with your obvious intelligence you may intimidate people. Does that make sense?

Sort of. Slightly different theory from a dear online friend of mine. The women in the IRL group are all in the early stages of treatment and discovery, for that matter. Well not discovery, really, for those who knew going in but I guess the realization stage that sex addiction is some SERIOUS shit. I'm about 2 years out from that stage. Very different place. They're all trying to decide if they're going to stay or go. I've decided and now I need workable options and sometimes I just need a safe place to vent/rant with support, they can't fathom that from where they are. My friend said this via email:
You AREN'T doing anything to deserve this.. I can't pretend I understand exactly why they do it, ignore and mistreat you like this. It's something to do with your confidence - believe it or not - and strength. They - counselor and group members both - see your strength and are jealous and want to push you away so they can focus on being victims. Counselor rationalizes it as "oh, that 7, she'll always land on her feet, I don't have to worry about her."

It's true; you have a rare strength. And if that gives you a solid steel backbone, it's like a knife blade that cuts deep, knowing nobody else will help you.

And they don't see your vulnerability. Well, they do, but they think you're comfortable with sharing, being candid (another reason they see you as strong) - they really DON'T see your vulnerability, even when you tell them outright.


I read that and felt like I'd been smacked in the head with 2x4! This was a very enlightening but painful observation but I think she might be right. I replied:
Thank you!!! What would I do without you?! Interesting that over the course of the last couple of days I came to believe it was because I'm lacking. I'm weak. There is something wrong with me. I must have done something to deserve this treatment! (Typical codep thinking) And it's at least partially because the counselor PLANTED the idea back in my head!!! OMG!!! I just remembered this. When I said that the group wasn't supporting me, or hearing me and only giving pat answers. She said "Well, 7 isn't it that you feel don't really deserve their support? That you are not worthy? You don't get what you need because you don't think you deserve it. That is at the core of codependency (blah, blah, blah, more cookie cutter psychobabble, blah." Everyone else is nodding in agreement and I now distinctly remember sitting there shaking my head and feeling really confused. I wasn't saying that I didn't feel worthy of it! I was saying I DID and I was unhappy I wasn't getting it! I really did go in there in a position of strength didn't I? I was doing the RIGHT thing! I was moving forward away from codependency and saying "This is what I want. This is what I need and you people are not meeting my needs." I wasn't saying "Oh poor me, I'm so pitiful, I don't deserve support. Now lavish me with pity."

What a mind fuck!!! Now I'm pissed at myself for letting them do that. I let them send me into a backslide so bad that I questioned myself and sat and cried until 3:30 in the morning wondering what is wrong with me (even going so far as to think it's because I'm fat!) when clearly, in this case, the problem wasn't me, it was them. (That is new to me...to NOT believe I'm the problem.)

Damn. How often has that happened to me in my life? I'm guessing it's too numerous to count. Sadly, I don't know what to do to change it. I did the right thing and got cut off at the knees. You're right S, we are so similar in that regard and I never saw it. I saw that YOU were strong but I didn't see that I was too.


This whole thing has just confirmed for me that my biggest issue is NOT codependency (though I'm not saying I don't have a touch of it) but rather Complex-PTSD which I need to deal with first.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
PTRN
♀ Member
Member # 19730
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling with something. ALL of the SA literature I have found automatically assumes the betrayed spouse is codependent or a coaddict. They describe behavior that does not ring true to me, FTMP.

I don't completely discount the possibility, and I'm sure I have some issues that I would benefit by addressing with an IC, but to be blunt, I'm a lot more independent than most--at least emotionally. If I did not have a child, I can say with certainty that I would be gone. Since I do have a very small child, I'm taking the advice to wait a few months before taking any kind of decisive action.

So, I'm curious if all of you consider yourself codependent?


Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2008
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to what they say anybody in a relationship is codependent and/or coaddict.

So the vows should read I now pronounce you codependents and/or coaddicts.

There is a certain chemistry between you and when that chemistry is stopped when permanently separated you actually go thru withdrawals.

When you have chemistry with someone else while married and pursue that relationship it is called adultery.


That's why people go thru withdrawals when the A is stopped. Those of us who recognize and do not pursue this chemical charge do not commit adultery.

A good example is you meet someone you're attracted to and you get this surge of chemicals in your body. You blush (this is the chemical reaction). This can be a good thing if you're both single. But if you are married you need to walk away and not pursue any more of that chemical cause if you don't, you become addicted to that chemical rush and commit adultery.

That's the best way I can describe what happens when you fall in love. If this chemical reaction did not occur no one would ever get married or commit to any relationship.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling with something. ALL of the SA literature I have found automatically assumes the betrayed spouse is codependent or a coaddict.

I too have had a hard time with the label of "codependent" just because my H is a SA. In fact, when I first started reading all the literature on SA this put me over the edge. I was livid. I have discussed this with my IC and our MC and they both agree you can't be codependent to something you didn't have any idea was going on. That's the way I am trying to think of it now. Had I known, I would not have "enabled" and when I did discover it I did not accept it but insisted that something be done on his part - either get help or get out.


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too resisted the co-dependent label and certainly the co-addict. Like many others, I hadn't a clue what was going on and had firm boundaries around infidelity.
However, while I wasn't participating in the addiction, having now taken a hard look at my own behaviour all that time, I certainly did allow my husband to disconnect from the family. I'm very indepenent, very capable and I simply took care of everything. I thought of him as less able to handle stress so I tried to minimize it for him. All he had to do was come home, help out a bit with the kids and provide a good income. I thought we were connected emotionally -- and much of the time we were. But he literally had a secret life that I knew nothing about.
Allowing him to remove himself emotionally from our family made the compartmentalization easier. He could convince himself that nobody was getting hurt. Asking the hard questions and insisting on participation ensures that he's more emotionally invested in his family and less likely to jeopardize it.
So...as much as I hate those labels, they fit me to some degree.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
beagle lover
♀ New Member
Member # 19694
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To a degree I also fit the labels, but not as much as the books make it out to be. Which I find unhelpful, but not as much as the 12 steps are.
I think, to some degree, I attract addicts because I am a pleaser and other issues from my childhood. I put up with behaviors that other people wouldn't because of my background. I enabled the porn watching because I believed him when he said it was just something guys do.

So for me, it all goes back to taking care of myself and my needs first and allowing myself to be loved and to believe I deserve love. That's such a difficult thing for me, but the time has come for me to take care of my emotional needs and not settle.

WH has a psychiatrist appointment next week. I should feel relieved that he is being evaluated for his anger issues/anxiety/mood swings/etc... but I'm nervous. I spoke to H about it and he thinks it's me going back to my fears that I am a symptom of his problem and that once he's better he won't want to be around me anymore. Does anyone else have experience with those fears?

Also, H and I have been discussing "Out of the Shadows" which has led to a lot of intense and open conversations. Unfortunately discussing PTSD happened to time with my stressed out feelings of anger and resentment and I went off. Now he's gun shy about talking to me anymore about the book, which I thought was really helpful to us both. Once WH has a negative experience, he's through with a subject, so I have to think of ways to get the communication lines open again.


Me 33
WH 37 SA/Porn Addict/had ONS with OM and EA with ex co-worker
Married 10 years
No kids
Lots of D-Days along the way, but ONS D-Day 5/28/08
Going to give R another chance. Hoping for honesty this time around

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Rhode Island
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't have a clue about his problems and we've been together for 26 yrs. I wouldn't stayed with him. He'll never admit to his problems and at 69 yrs, I doubt if he will. I'll leave when the time is right for me. He will find every reason not to be here so we won't deal with each other until then.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, beagle lover, I have those same fears. I've always thought that what I brought to the table was compassion, tolerance...and an ability to overlook and excuse hurtful behaviour. I've always been told that I'm too sensitive so I put up with a lot because I think I'm being too sensitive. Now I recognize that honoring myself means honoring my sensitivity. There is no right or wrong -- there's only being true to myself. However, while I understand that, putting it into practice is tough. Old habits die hard!
I also have a hard time giving up my ultra-capable ways. Despite the resentment that would build when I felt like I was doing everything, I have the fear that if I'm NOT doing everything, why would someone want to be with me? Self-esteem issues, anyone??


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
PTRN
♀ Member
Member # 19730
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Taking care of everything is the one flag that does fit. What happened here was my WH, who also has all kinds of health issues that took time away, opened a storefront in addition to his day job--against my advice/wishes--so I was just kind of left to deal with house, child, pets, etc. And was/am pretty pissed off about it.

I've always been vocal about my disapproval though. There was not any stuff I see in the books like "Oh, honey. You work so hard. I'm so proud of you for being gone all night without notice to provide for us."


Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2008
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