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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
beagle lover
♀ New Member
Member # 19694
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK I am trying really hard to not be controlling right now. Therapist suggested that WH make an appointment with a psychiatrist to be evaluated. It's obvious he has some neurological/mood issues. I would have thought he would be relieved to have a physical reasoning for some of his behaviors. But H doesn't want to go. He is afraid he will be on meds for the rest of his life. I am finding it very difficult to not nag him into going.

Also, WH is being extremely loving and well nice to me since the herpes diagnosis and especially since I told him I would try and R. It comes across as being forced and ass kissing, but H insists he is just happy because he has hope for the first time and that he realized I "fill his hole". I am struggling to realize that not everything is a hidden agenda and to accept and enjoy his attention even though it makes me uncomfortable because I am not used to it.

As far as things to do to take care of myself, wow that's been hard. I try to treat myself, but I have to be careful I'm not indulging in retail therapy. I have made an effort to spend time doing the things I enjoy with new friends. My big thing is that I need to realize I am deserving of love and that I do not need to subject myself to stress and aggravation in order to please others.


Me 33
WH 37 SA/Porn Addict/had ONS with OM and EA with ex co-worker
Married 10 years
No kids
Lots of D-Days along the way, but ONS D-Day 5/28/08
Going to give R another chance. Hoping for honesty this time around

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Rhode Island
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand your husband's hesitation. I have my own issues around medication -- in large part thanks to my mom's prescription drug addiction when I was kid. I'm seriously thinking I need to be on anti-depressants (my IC thinks so, also) but I'm terrified then that any progress made won't be "real".
Perhaps a psychiatrist can address your husband's fear that he'll be on meds the rest of his life (essentially trading one addiction for another).
And yes, I remember the ass-kissing stage with my own husband. It is hard when we're not used to the attention. He's probably just so relieved that you're still there. And I have to remind myself that this has done a huge number on MY self-esteem, but that HE also feels disgusted with himself and pretty pathetic. And his actions stem from that sense of "please love me".
And consider this: a possible alternative could be no remorse, no extra attention, no talking about his fears... I know it's uncomfortable for you because this is different than the status quo...but sounds a lot like the beginning of a new marriage to me!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
bluebird72
Member
Member # 16711
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I am new. I married my ex husband after 6 years apart. There was issues of porn, rumors of a threesome and all of it took a toll I handled poorly turned to substance we divorced he never got help everyone assumed it was all due to my issues. I am now clean 7 years, we remarried about a year ago..problems from the beginning as we mistakenly thought "hey we have healed". Nope, every issue we had we are reliving and low and behold while he is away on deployment I get into 2 accounts, verified with credit card..so it has been going on. It was half gay half straight...who knows. Now, we have been tense..him stating it is all me, I am not doing anything wrong but I knew something was up due to his harsh treatment, stating it had to be "my way" etc..The porn had not even come up yet....now, how to confront as I want to save my marriage help him but how to say what I found? I fear he will run for divorce to keep it quiet and again he is deployed. I have never looked at porn addiction or what to do can someone pm me to educate...do I look more as one of his quotes was "you have nothing to substantiate"..this was when I mentioned he wasn't honest. I have been confrontational I will not lie but I think I need to change and really help my family heal now. I am worried about him

[This message edited by bluebird72 at 7:24 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 518 | Registered: Oct 2007
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bluebird,
I really don't think i'm the best person to respond...but I'll weigh in until the others, with greater wisdom, see your post.
I'm not surprised that you're "reliving" the past. Sounds as if his issues were never resolved and you took the fall for the marriage not working. Until he owns up to his own issues, your marriage won't -- can't -- work. If you've been clean for 7 years, you must have done some hard work on yourself. Now it's his turn. You can't do it for him. The best thing you can do is stand firm. You know what you know -- whether you can "substantiate" it or not. And he knows that you know...he's just buying time and hoping he can convince you otherwise.
I can't really say much more than that -- other than, I'm so sorry you're dealing wth this...again. It's excruciating and soul-destroying. But keep posting, glean the wisdom of others on this site and do whatever you need to do to keep yourself strong and clear-headed.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
bluebird72
Member
Member # 16711
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks eternal...I think you may have misunderstood.. I just knew he wasn't being honest(friends with a couple that did much damage still), etc. I had no idea of the porn again to this week...and we were having issues as he was avoiding, being very nasty, almost "too manish". I have not confronted..just said in email" we have long term demons to conquer and we both must feel tremendous shame and guilt"....i can guarantee he is unaware I know, much less have tons of evidence now. My thing is tonight he responds and says he is tired(again deployed to Iraq) but he wants us to work and stated he is trying to be honest with me....that is questionable, lol. I want to lead him to telling the truth and getting help as I know he abandoned me as did others. If i force he will run. I have to led him to the water maybe.....thus I am asking how to confront in a non confrontational manner..I realize for him to still be doing it...he really is sick. As for work on me, about to re enter therapy (yay, not for drugs) but I am sure I have a role and want to improve me...this conflict over these months brought out the worst in me and just want to make a change.I too see it may blow up and we divorce again so want to make sure I have people in place.I know still even clean I am only a step away and just will not risk it. I hope I can lead by example......I really did take the fall didn't i? The hurtful thing is no one knows and I am still spoken about like common trash literally, horrible names, shunned..my esteem has so suffered even though I got clean, graduated from college and work in a field related to law..lol, how's that for a 180...yet..there is always that bunch he surrounds himself with that nevre knew the truth that continue to say "that druggie"...it's something.

Posts: 518 | Registered: Oct 2007
totalblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 19486
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New here. I found out 4 weeks ago that my H of 6 months is a sex addict. He hasn't admitted it, but everything I found tells me that's what he is. He was having porn pics sent to his cell phone and then forwarding them to his e-mail. He was having cybersex and phone sex with various women. He also was getting pictures from these women and then photographing himself naked with the pics and performing sexual acts on the pics and sending them back to them. He also was having a PA with a 20year old girl who lives in another state. I kicked him out the day after I found out and we haven't had much contact since, mainly just divorce matters. I asked him once if this was what he wanted and he stated it would be too hard to work it out. He didn't want to live his life in a prison. I am having a horrible time coming to terms with him being able to just turn his back on everything we had and go on his merry way. He's been with the girl every weekend since I kicked him out. He shows no remorse. I just feel so rejected.


D-Day - 5/9/08
Divorce final 7/18/08

Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2008 | From: IL
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TotallyBlindSided, I am so sorry you are feeling rejected. This is a common response; we have all felt it. I spent most of my 32 year marriage feeling rejected and compensating by becoming addicted to different things over the years. When we tell you that you cannot worry about your sex-addicted H and the relationship but concentrate on yourself, we are not just repeating a meaningless mantra. It is so imperative that you do this. Start by reading in the Healing library and some of the great books suggested in this forum. Stephanie Carne' Mending a Shattered Heart is a great read; probably the best thing out there. Patrick Carne's Don't Call It Love is another good one.

Start today by working really hard to try and concentrate on YOU! It isn't easy. Trying to stop those obsessive thoughts seems impossible. I know only too well. Two years past D-Day (when FWH's affair came to light--I've known about the porn addiction forever) and I still have times of obsessive thinking.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
bluebird72
Member
Member # 16711
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confronted(posted in general as well)Ok, I did it sent the email as this has weighed on me too heavily. I sent it with love so hopefully he will open up and we can finally address a long problem(remember I remarried my ex husband). My point is I stressed counseling and rebuilding but admittance and total honesty from this point on. I did not divulge my source, nor the extent of evidence..just named sites his passwords, reminding him I validated with credit cards...let's see what happens now. My thing is if I didn't it would have continued this places it on his lap to help himself and yeah he is aware this is a deal breaker unless addressed and should realize a few other things due to the nature of it. I sent it sincerely but my psychic twinkle feels he will be outlandish as thus far it has been "why don't you trust me" I do anything wrong" you have nothing to substantiate" and well (cough, cough) I do now.PLENTY!!!! I need support though in getting me ready for his harsh response as I feel with the truth of his addiction now out again and the risk of it being exposed he will say I will divorce, get shady....what to expect? Anyone ever been here before?

Posts: 518 | Registered: Oct 2007
bluebird72
Member
Member # 16711
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok update to confrontation email...nadda, meaning. I can assume from here on out two things will happen no contact or response to the matter or there will be an aftermath fall out. Since my confrontation was a reassuring one, no harsh words, offers of support I can also assume he sees as no problem....what are the normal responses? And how to combat when the denial hits?Rough night is the end now inevitable?

[This message edited by bluebird72 at 11:24 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 518 | Registered: Oct 2007
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bluebird,

Whatever his response, I think you need to create your own boundaries. What is acceptable and what is not? I think you'd get a lot out of Mending a Shattered Heart, which addresses many of our "spouse" issues -- co-addiction, co-dependency, etc. And encourages us to take responsibility for our own healing...and let the addict take responsibility (or not, as the case may be) for his.
I can see how badly you want to save this marriage but at what cost? What you did years ago that may have contributed to marital problems is now in the past. You have every right to feel proud of your own recovery over addiction and regardless of what others think, you know you did it. Now it's time to let your husband step up to the plate. Figure out what you'll tolerate and what you won't -- and communicate that. It's out of respect for yourself, not punishment for him. He may not see it that way...but ultimately that's what's at stake: your self-respect. Can you find a support group? Do some reading to "brace" yourself for his response? I think you'll find that responses are fairly universal -- it's like there's a handbook that addicts get. And if you've heard/read the responses already before hearing them from your husband, they might lose their power to throw you off balance.
Hang in there...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
bluebird72
Member
Member # 16711
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I start counseling next week, started anti depressants, focusing in on my last class so trying to do what you are saying...thank you so much for the support.

Posts: 518 | Registered: Oct 2007
bluebird72
Member
Member # 16711
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok guys, I have the first portion of the confrontation and it was positve to a degree. He was much more loving and kind. A 180 from what he has been, did admitt to excessively viewing porn in the past, still stated he has not done in a very long time but wants to work on his family, loved us etc. I responded stating again love and a desire to work with him but needed total honesty and disclosed I know dates etc but again am willing to work on this and was he? He replied briefly as he had no time but stated he loved us again a 180 from what he has been...is this hope or is this a "let me be nice" as she has the goods on me? Opinions please.

Posts: 518 | Registered: Oct 2007
howcouldhe1
♀ Member
Member # 13210
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bluebird, it's a start isn't it. Whether he follows through or not, only time will tell. But it is a start.

(((bluebird)))


Me BS 54 FWH (BT) 52 M 22 years D Day 4/11/06 Over a year of trickle truths. March 08. D Day 2. Online porn and SA. Just when I thought we'd be ok, July 19 08. BT had accident. Severe brain damage, in persistent vegetative state. I lost him anyway.

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Kent UK
howcouldhe1
♀ Member
Member # 13210
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've just ordered Mending a Shattered Heart, after seeing all the reccomendations here.

One thing though, I read a review which was a bit negative about the religious aspects of it. I'm not at all religious, so I'm a bit anxious that maybe it won't be relevant to me. Any thoughts?


Me BS 54 FWH (BT) 52 M 22 years D Day 4/11/06 Over a year of trickle truths. March 08. D Day 2. Online porn and SA. Just when I thought we'd be ok, July 19 08. BT had accident. Severe brain damage, in persistent vegetative state. I lost him anyway.

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Kent UK
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing though, I read a review which was a bit negative about the religious aspects of it. I'm not at all religious, so I'm a bit anxious that maybe it won't be relevant to me.

I'm an atheist and I'm the most vocal one here about what an awesome, empowering, validating book it is. As with anything else, take what you can use and leave the rest. Mostly, if you just don't read the chapters on the 12 Steps you'll be fine.

Can you give me a link to the review? I'm curious now.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
howcouldhe1
♀ Member
Member # 13210
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.amazon.com/review/product/0977440060/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1_cm_cr_acr_txt?%5Fencoding=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Here you are.

I've ordered it anyhow. As, you say, take what you need....


Me BS 54 FWH (BT) 52 M 22 years D Day 4/11/06 Over a year of trickle truths. March 08. D Day 2. Online porn and SA. Just when I thought we'd be ok, July 19 08. BT had accident. Severe brain damage, in persistent vegetative state. I lost him anyway.

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Kent UK
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I AM very religious (fundamental Baptist) and I skipped the chapter on the 12 steps.

I just did not find it all that helpful and not particularly relevant to me or my state of mind. I will use my relationship with God in dealing with this in a manner that is more applicable to my personal being and situation. Not sure if that makes sense, but hey....there it is!

MASH is an incredible resource for ALL who find themselves in this situation.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long has your WS been a sex addict, have you known, & what are they doing to deal with that (SA, etc)?
D-Day #1
Within 2 months of our marriage in 1980, my husband (and high school sweetheart) H began having a series of extramarital affairs. In fact, the way I found out was to find him in bed with another woman. This happened 1 year after our wedding when we were living in Indiana.

Of course I was furious and hurt. I took H home and he cried and screamed for OW, the coed he was having the affair with. He tried to jump out of the VW van. I took him to our trailer (home) and we pretended to talk about it and he said many mean things to me like how he had the affairs because I was fat, smelled bad and was just a “stinky gash”. Then he cried and sobbed for his lover and expressed a desire to be with her. He told me he did not want to be with me but wanted OW instead. He said he tried to talk one of his lovers, a bisexual, into “teaching me” but even she was revolted. He shoved me to a mirror and asked if I would have sex with that. He told me that he had found out after an affair with a woman in Utah the summer before we married that I would never satisfy him sexually. He told me that he found OW, his current and constant lover of a year, a summer fling with another OW and a forced act with yet another OW so he could be satisfied and he did things with them that were so much better than sex with me.

I was still thinking of leaving and H then started saying he would call my father before I ever left town and tell him what “really happened” and tell him about the drinking I had resorted to in my isolation. He also kept asking me how I was going to go home and admit defeat and explain what happened because he would deny everything.

The next day I went to the Courthouse for information and found that I would get everything in an Indiana divorce. When H was informed of that he begged and pleaded with me not to leave, said he would never cheat, etc. He also didn’t want to talk about the affairs, wanted me to forgive him and said we’d live “comfortably” and he would stay, be faithful but I would have to realize that I didn’t satisfy him and we’d never speak of it again. I thought on it and realized that out of fear like he said, I couldn’t go back home and admit defeat after a year of marriage. I was terrified, young and foolish. We both were.

So I stayed and I tried many things such as losing weight and using hygiene products that would help hide my perceived odor and tried to initiate sex with every chance. That was when he told me to stop forcing myself on him and let him feel in the mood once in a while.

During that time I discovered that H had women’s underwear in his possession. I confronted him on that and he admitted that he had ALWAYS had an underwear fetish and he took those from the women he had affairs with. I expressed my displeasure but was again told that I was a prude and he was not screwing around anymore. Then he would say “you know why I have these”.

We made it through that miserable time in Indiana and although I heard rumors of his continued infidelity from mutual friends he assured me that I knew of the 4 people he had affairs with. As we embarked on our move to Boulder both of us appeared to be anxious to “start over”. Of course, we had a rollover accident with our trailer – our home - which prevented us from arriving in Boulder together.

By the time I got to Boulder a month after him; he had settled in and although I had continual doubts and suspicions he swore he was not having any affairs. He then told me that he could not live in a marriage where he was not trusted and always asked about his fidelity. I would ask him if he was faithful and he would swear he was and tell me that I had a problem and couldn’t let go of the past.

During our time in Boulder, H got arrested for stealing women’s clothes and he admitted that he was heavy into the fetishism. He told me that “I knew why” he did that. He did some minor court mandated class on shoplifting and told me that it was because of his fidelity to me that he was “acting out” and it was something he would seek help for. He never did seek help and I just went along “knowing why” - that his fetish behavior was random masturbation from not being satisfied by me.

We had our son and things seemed normal but not passionate. I always “knew why” and accepted it because I truly love H. I wanted to believe that he was faithful and that his masturbation problem was the worst of it and I could live with it. I never had any reason to believe he was not faithful there. We were happy.

We then moved to Phoenix, we had our daughter and for the best of my knowledge he had never had any affairs. However, that all ended when he got fired his job in 1990. He told me that he was fired for having photos of himself in full fetish apparel and we had to lie about it. He didn’t want everyone to know why he got fired and we should just tell everyone he got fired for using company property for personal use. He also promised to seek help. He never did seek help and I just went along “knowing why” - that his fetish behavior was random masturbation from not being satisfied by me.

He then went to work for another company and I went back to work. H started traveling a lot and my fears all came back to me. However, whenever I confronted H on his fidelity he would respond that he made mistakes long ago and I had trust issues. He always denied any affairs, but his fetishism was always there. Many was the time I had to pick up his paraphernalia before the kids saw it or make excuses for when the kids did see his panties. He would leave video tapes of himself in the VCR and I would have to get those out before the kids saw them. When confronted on it he would just apologize and tell me that I “knew why” he did it.

We drifted apart as many couples with kids do. We had sex but it always was somehow fetishized – either by dressing up on H’s part or H asking me to do things out of my comfort zone. Any rebuke of that or attempt at discussion about that resulted in being told I was repressed and uptight and didn’t really care about his pleasure and I “knew why” he needed the extra stimulus.

At this time I developed panic disorder and went through exhaustive medical tests and therapy for it for over 5 years. Through that entire process H told me it was my problem, not his, and he didn’t want me talking about us or his fetishes or affairs. He asked me not to use my counseling as “marriage counseling”. Foolishly I agreed and I never discussed it with my clinicians. I did what I could in therapy for MY panic disorder and learned a lot and continued with monthly check-ins with a psych nurse. We then switched insurance and I then just went to my primary care physician for the Xanax as I felt it was simply physiological. My panic disorder was managed pretty well with the small dose of medication.

H then stopped going on the road and we became “comfortable”. Things went on that way for many, many years. H continued to practice autoeroticism with his fetish props. He would stay up late to have his personal sex life. It had become the thing we didn’t talk about. When we did have sex there was a sort of fetish involved. There had not been intimacy for many years. There was always a fetish element – being it H wearing women’s underwear or some sort of sex toy. If I would report no excitement from that he took it personally.

After my hysterectomy my sex drive diminished greatly. H often complained about this and we would have rote obligatory sex. I did research on the issue and embarked on a journey of weight loss, specific yoga exercises and supplements that were geared to bring my libido back. I have been trying to make myself somehow desirable and also interested in sex. I had even asked my gynecologist for a prescription for testosterone which I never filled.

D-Day #2
Everything came to a head on Thanksgiving weekend. H came to me giddy and excited. He had gone that Wednesday to have his nipples pierced. He showed me and told me he had thought of it doing it for years, had always gotten off on nipple stimulation and that this was so good for him. He told me how the young woman who pierced him “really understood” him and was so cool that he was just so excited that he had done it. Then he finished up by saying “and maybe this will help spice things up for us sexually”.

I took it all in and held it back all Saturday and Sunday until our daughter left for college that Sunday evening. I told H that I wanted to ask him some questions about his piercing and he seemed delighted. He told me where he went, the process, the beauty of the woman who did it to him and how he was so happy.

When I asked him how he, in his mind, went from me not desiring sex to suddenly desiring sex with him wearing nipple studs he became very combative. He said he “refused” to live in a marriage where there was no sex and that I had never seemed interested in sex with him and he didn’t believe in rape. He also inferred I “knew why” he had his nipple pierced.

I then confronted him on how when we had fetishized sex (which is always) it always makes me think of the previous affairs, how I considered his autoerotic behavior an affair and that it I had never felt as though it was really ME he was having sex with and I was tired of “knowing why”. Throughout a late night discussion, tears and angst we got to a point where he admitted that when we were in Boulder he had numerous affairs and had frequented adult book stores where he engaged in transvestic homosexual behavior in porno booths. However, he avowed that once we had moved to Phoenix he had never had an affair. Upon further confrontation with H he finally admitted that when he got fired from his job it was not because he had pictures of himself in fetish gear but because he was caught having sex with a transsexual.

To say this was earth-shattering would be an understatement. The “revelation” of his numerous affairs in Boulder and the lie he told me to lie about actually being a lie my total life was crumbling underneath me. Everything I had convinced myself to be true had been a lie. I confronted him on his sexual activity since he got fired. At this point his hand job by a Chinatown hooker came up, his “close to” necking session with female coworkers and his leaving work to go to porno theatres or dress up in full fetish drag and drive around.

I had a complete breakdown and H continued to swear he wanted to be with me and he would do therapy even though he shut down whenever we tried to talk. He kept telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me. The talk turned ugly with me being combative, angry and physical. I sobbed, panicked and tried to get more information out of him but he held steadfast in his story that nothing has happened in about 10 years other than the fetish autoeroticism.

H then took over and called a couple’s therapist he had found while researching his condition – transvestic fetishism – and made an appointment for us immediately. He took me an appointment with my primary care physician, and waited while I went in.

Dr. knew I was in bad shape. I told him I was panicky due to a marriage problem and that I needed a refill for my Xanax. He began by weighing me and asking me just what I thought I was doing losing 35 pounds when I didn’t need to. He was very upset about that and said that he was going to draw blood on my and see if there was a physiological problem that was making me sick. He then said that he wanted me on Wellbutrin immediately and gave me a prescription for that. He wanted to make sure I was going to get counseling immediately as well. I sobbed and cried to him and he made sure that I would be taken care of.

We then started seeing our marriage counselor/sex therapist. She asked the root of the problem and H explained it all to her. She asked him what he wanted out of therapy and he told her to be more intimate to me and to stop the fetishism. She asked me what I wanted and I told her to stop feeling ashamed for being fooled for so many years and to have H finally honest and open about himself. I stayed with my sister for 2 weeks until I moved home when H moved out at my request.

I took 12 weeks of FMLA and continued to see my physician for the medications and started seeing a therapist from the Employee Assistance Program at work. I found that my libido returned with the treatment of the depression researched that as a sign of depression. I affirmed this with the psychologist and I saw him for about 10 weeks. He thought it a good idea when H and I separated for the months of December and January but couldn’t understand when H moved home in February. He thought I was making a big mistake by attempting reconciliation. He then told me we were done with any more sessions. He thought I should just go with H to see the marriage counselor since I was still seeking reconciliation.

I went back to work for in February. H and I still see the marriage counselor and he sees her on his own as well for what they have determined is “autogynephilia”. (I go to IC on my own with a new PNP) H is going to Sex Addicts Anonymous weekly and removed the nipple piercings about 5 weeks ago as a sign of his commitment to our marriage. Our sex life has been very good and he has been sexually “sober” (i.e. not acting out, no affairs) since discovery in November.

2. How does your SA act out & how much verifying do you do?


Acting out is transvestic fetishism, internet porn and in the past affairs.
I will verify the internet porn and do his laundry. I have been known to look around for costumes or gadgets but I have now determined that I am not responsible for his behavior. He knows the consequences of a 3rd D-Day so I don’t do a whole lot of verifying.


3. Has the SA had relapses / slips?


H had a slip before the nipple piercings were removed by making a nipple shield, wearing it to work and trying to hide it from me. H was terribly ashamed. There have been no slips since then.

4. Do you have kids?


2 grown children, M age 23, F age 19

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?


I was brought here by the advice of my therapist.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?


The biggest barriers are trust and forgiveness of both me and H.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?


We were high school sweethearts, grew up together and have always been very compatible and have enjoyed each other’s company for 33 years. The children always said we never fought while they were growing up.

8. Current status?


We are still married and still committed to reconciliation. We got to MC and both of us see IC. H goes to weekly SAA meetings. Right now, this minute, the marriage is doing OK. H is working hard at change and doing all that is asked of him and more.
We have good weeks where we are giddy in love and very close and then we have weeks where I am obsessive, angry and can barely stand the sight of him. I am working hard at forgiveness but am having issues with forgiving myself first. Throughout it all H has held strong to his desire to make things “better” and doing anything it takes. We are still committed to reconciliation at this point but I am having a hard time with the rollercoaster ride effect and the enormity of it all. I am cautiously optimistic.

[This message edited by 2br02b at 10:05 AM, June 7th (Saturday)]


Me – 51
Him – 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 – 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 – 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

howcouldhe1,
Yeah that reviewer just got caught up in the 12 steps part of it. Perhaps she is unfamiliar with all this and didn't know that that is the conventional wisdom (which I think is wrong BTW) and everyone spouts off about 12-Steps and S-Anon.

That is basically confined to the chapter on the 12 Steps and I did not think it permeated the book at all. Frankly the complaint that atheists/agnostics were only mentioned once amused me. I was THRILLED that we were acknowledged at all because it is extremely rare for it to happen at all. In one instance that I read atheists/agnostics were only mentioned so it could be pointed out that we weren't REALLY non-believers we were just having a "crisis of faith" and that we should pray anyway and say to god, "I don't believe in you but I'm praying anyway, please heal me." I found that to absurd! So, like I said I found the reference in MASH to be respectful and I appreciated it.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2br02b
Welcome. I'm sorry you find yourself here. Thank you for your candor in sharing your story.

Is your SA seeing a CSAT? Do I understand correctly that he is still acting out with his fetishes and masturbating, so he's not sober?

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
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