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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to both innerstrength and SorrowHeart! Lousy circumstances that brought you both here...but I think you'll find a community of really great people who can make you laugh and nod your head in recognition. (Love the dry erase board, by the way! That's a subtle way of making your point. )
And momofthree, I know how hard the past while has been...but I hope you're recognizing the strength you have in yourself and the respect you're treating yourself with.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much- I have my first question and please forgive if this has already been asked... I tried reading all the other posts since this forum was created but I was getting dizzy!
Is there anyone active on this forum who can tell me what the key factors in their spouse's (or their) recovery were? I have heard/read so much info and I am getting nervous that our MC and his IC may not be what we really need. I see her with him next week, but some of what he has said to me since his last session is giving me the "vomit" reflex...
I told him I was concerned, and in fairness, I haven't met her yet, so maybe it's his warped communication that is conveying it incorrectly... But she has said a few things (according to him...) like: "Fantasy is ok sometimes, just don't let it take over", "Is she willing to role-play?", "Masturbation is no big deal, just don't let it keep you from wanting her" and "If we fix our sex life she says we'll be fine".... I'm feeling like those are HUGE warning flags... The whole problem with SA,(as I have understood it to be) is replacing intimacy with fantasy, neglecting your loved ones for that fantasy even though you know it's wrong and not seeing love and sex as a package... (This is a real rough interpretation- I hope I'm not offending anyone and feel free to tell me if I am way off base here_ I am still trying to understand all of this myself)
So, I feel like she's telling him that he can just "not do those things" and we'll be fine... HELLO! That's why we got here in the first place!!!!! I need him to realize that I am the one he wants to be having sex with because he loves and cares for me very deeply! Not that I'm role playing in some fantasy anymore...
Maybe I can shed some light when we meet next week, but I'd really like some input from you guys on what to look for to make this work... It's *potentially* the rest of my life and I want to be as informed as possible... Any advice would be appreciated.
By the way, she's a marriage & family counselor and a sex therapist, but I don't think a CSAT...
I told my H that might be like going to a happy hour planner for treatment of alcoholism.... We'll see...

[This message edited by innerstrength at 8:56 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll weigh in, though there are others o this forum that are farther along the road than I -- and infinitely wiser.
However, here goes: I'd start by reading Patrick Carnes Don't Call It Love to give you a really good overview of sexual addiction. It IS an addiction -- if the addicts were able to just stop, they no doubt would have long before their personal lives blew up.
My husband found an SA counsellor before telling me (about 5 months before) and the counsellor has been really incredible. He's a former SA himself so he's got incredible intuition. However, withhold judgment until you meet her -- it could be your husband's selective interpretation, sort of minimizing his problem. Though I'm an advocate for someone who specializes in SA, I don't think someone who doesn't is incapable of helping you both. But you'll be poised to make that judgement once you talk to her. Having read Carnes prior to that, though, will help you reconcile his approach to SA and hers.
Carnes and my husband's counsellor take the approach that the addict needs to go "cold turkey" with the addiction at the start. They both suggest an abstinence period. It's often at that point that the addict recognizes how deep the addiction really is and the power it had on them. They also suggest a "disclosure" -- basically offering the spouse an account of everything they did from start to finish. Again, forces the addict to came face-to-face with the level and length of their addiction and come clean. And gives the spouse transparency and a base point from which to rebuild. How formal and detailed the disclosure is can be determined by both of you.
So...start with Carnes. And don't hesitate to keep asking questions. It never hurts to know what you're up against. Most likely someone on this site will have come up against the very same thing...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks eternal-
I have purchased Stephanie Carnes' book- "Mending A Shattered Heart", based on some other advice on the forum... It's not here yet, but I am eagerly awaiting it. I have been trying to find out everything I can about this to see if people have long term success, I have heard it is so hard and that definitely scares me- I want to explore every avenue and hopefully find something that will be the most helpful. My husband is willing to do the work, but when I questioned what the therapist said to him, he said just wait until I meet her... He's really happy with her and I'm glad about that, but I want to make sure we are getting good advice- Bad advice is more damaging than doing nothing at all, it seems... I will give her a chance and see what her attitude is about SA. I have lots of questions for her already.
Thanks for your insight... Every single bit of it helps...

[This message edited by innerstrength at 7:42 AM, May 16th (Friday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If possible, try to get Patrick Carnes' book too. I find the Stefanie Carnes book assumes that you already have a basic understanding of SA. I'm also triggering like crazy reading the Mending a Shattered Heart book. Whereas reading Carnes' Don't Call it Love allowed me to absorb it on an intellectual level and understand the addiction better. Just my two cents...
My own counsellor doesn't specialize in sex addiction or co-dependency, but she's talked with my husband's SA counsellor and has educated herself about it in order to help me.
However, I remain convinced that, for the addict, they really need someone to understand the addiction and doesn't let them off the hook in any way. There's lots of sexual behaviour that is quite healthy in a normal relationship, but is quite UNhealthy (fantasy, role-playing, masturbation, etc.) in an addict -- at least in the early stages of recovery.
I hope you're also doing what you need to manage your own trauma. One thing the Stefanie Carnes book has helped me with is really recognizing the depth of trauma I experienced through this. I tend to veer away from "drama" but I'm able to admit that it was trauma and I'm waking up with anxiety and a horrible sense of foreboding...signs of PTSD. So please take care of yourself first and foremost. If you haven't already, find a counsellor who can help you navigate what YOU want through all of this and develop some really clear boundaries. Those of us married to SA (or any addicts) tend to be ultra-capable and complete caretakers of everyone but ourselves. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

innerstrength:

Is there anyone active on this forum who can tell me what the key factors in their spouse's (or their) recovery were?

My FWH has been sober for 21mos. He and I credit his sobriety with seeing a male CSAT who is a recovering SA and going to a group led by a CSAT who is a recovering SA.

I am seeing a therapist for codependency and I'm attending a group at the same counseling center my husband attends because the counselor leading the spouses group is an expert on spouses of SA.

It is absolutely key that the addict is seeing a CSAT, first and foremost, but I also believe that male SAs should see a male CSAT and females should see a female CSAT. My FWH has been very candid with me about this. He credits his success to the fact that his CSAT is a man who is also a recovering SA. My FWH can't get away with anything in counseling. Also, in terms of him seeing a female counselor, he cannot fathom that any sex addict male could sit in a room with a female and discuss sex and not sexualize her or fantasize about her. To quote him, "I'm a sex addict. It's what I do. I can't go to a restaurant and be comfortable with a woman waiting on us, I can't make eye contact with waitresses and maintain my sobriety. What makes you think that I'd be able to sit alone in a room with a woman and discuss sex and maintain sobriety? It's insane."

But she has said a few things (according to him...) like: "Fantasy is ok sometimes, just don't let it take over", "Is she willing to role-play?", "Masturbation is no big deal, just don't let it keep you from wanting her" and "If we fix our sex life she says we'll be fine".... I'm feeling like those are HUGE warning flags.

You are absolutely correct!!! Trust your gut here. This woman is NOT a CSAT and she is giving your husband HORRIBLE and DAMAGING advice. I suppose you can meet her and confirm that your husband is telling you the truth about what she said. If she is telling him these things. If she believes these things she is toxic to you, your husband and your marriage. TOXIC.

By the way, she's a marriage & family counselor and a sex therapist, but I don't think a CSAT...
I told my H that might be like going to a happy hour planner for treatment of alcoholism.

You are right on here. Absolutely. Don't let your H make you think you're crazy or over reacting. Listen to yourself, hon, you're right on the money here. A "sex therapist" is NOT a CSAT. It's two completely different things and seeing a "sex therapist" is very bad for a SA. Case in point, there is a "sex therapist" who was recently all over the news claiming that sexual addiction is not real. She said absolutely crazy ass shit. It was maddening.

The whole problem with SA,(as I have understood it to be) is replacing intimacy with fantasy, neglecting your loved ones for that fantasy even though you know it's wrong and not seeing love and sex as a package.

Yes. You are correct. I'm so happy to see you educate yourself. Knowledge is POWER and the more you know about SA and the more you know about the proper treatment of SA the more power you have over your own destiny. You can set boundaries and consequences and take care of yourself. That's wonderful and I hope we can encourage you and help you.

I'm glad you're going to read "MASH" by Stefanie Carnes but Eternaloptimist has a point about "Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes. I should start recommending that people read both...I think I still think that reading "MASH" first is a good idea because it's so very validating of the spouses feelings but it is true that the spouses also need to understand SA and "DCIL" does a better job of that. I still contend that "Out of the Shadows" is too overwhelming and too scary for new spouses/partners to read. Maybe further down the line but not right off the bat.

PM me anytime.
7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 12:47 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing I would add is that it is not always possible to find a CSAT locally. We tried but really only one in our area who wasn't the right fit.

Our MC helped us find a IC with lots of SA experience. She is a woman. But MC and I also discussed that that might not be bad. One thing I really need to see WH work on is the emotional disconnect--and I wonder if another woman could help more with that. So far, so good.

Of course-my WH went down the road of some experimenting with a man ---so no one really seems like a safe choice.

If you cannot find a CSAT near you, there still might be other people who can help. I find one of the more overwhelming things right now is just trying to figure out if we are getting to the right people who can help.

I don't have a lot of experience yet--still trying to find our way through this.

I strongly agree with the concern about this:

Is she willing to role-play?", "Masturbation is no big deal, just don't let it keep you from wanting her" and "If we fix our sex life she says we'll be fine"....

God--telling an SA that everything will be ok if their spouse just gives them the sex life they want is beyond ridiculous. My WH tried that at the beginning and it really PISSED ME OFF. I told him that sounded a lot like this was my fault -and I was not buying that.

I did have some big concerns about my WH's IC until I met with her yesterday. Hearing the info from her directly made me feel much better that we were on the same page. I hope you find the same.

[This message edited by FeistyWoman at 4:39 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if this is available in other areas, but my husband's counselling has been done entirely by phone. His counsellor is a former SA himself who helped set up the treatment program at an addiction center in Toronto. My husband has never actually met the guy -- but I've also talked with him on a few occasions and I think he's incredible. Completely validates my husband's fears/pain but also acknowledges my own and ensures that my husband own up to what he's done.
In any case, that might be a possibility for those unable to find an SA counsellor in their area. My husband found this guy by calling Bellwood, the treatment center and getting a referral.
Just a thought...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's excellent information Eternaloptimist! I know those of you in Canada have had struggles finding CSATs. I'm also hearing that it's tough for anyone not in a major metropolitan area.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for the advice and input- My books arrive this week (I went back and ordered the Patrick Carnes book too) And hopefully I'll be armed with more info before I go to MC next week- I'm sure I will have more questions when we get through the first session, and hopefully I'll be able to figure out if we need to steer clear of her and find someone else...
I looked online and there are CSAT therapists in my general area... so we will see what happens...

We know it's going to be a long journey, thanks for being here to join me on it and point out the sights along the way!


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist,

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.

7yrs betrayed,

I just wanted to say that so far, my H is doing very well with SA. He's been keeping in touch with some of the members, especially the one that he's riding to the meetings. I never saw him put this much effort when he was going to Sex AA.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momofthree2007,
That's great to hear! I hope this leads him to recovery and sobriety.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has made more progress this past month in the SA mtgs than the 2 previous yrs. in counseling.

He had stopped the porn during IC. With the SA mtgs he has now stopped the MB and finally understands how wrong he was all these yrs.

Listening to other SA's at the meetings has helped him understand.

An SA needs to talk to other SA's.

I would never have gone along with my SA seeing a female therapist. Especially a female sex therapist. I almost choked when I read that.

Out of the Shadows is a great book to help you understand the addiction. It is hard to read but it will help in the long run.

A spouse of an SA also needs therapy and other grps to sort all this out. If you are a spouse don't go thru this alone. You need to talk to others in the same situation as you.

Whether you stay or go from the marriage you will need some kind of support to deal with everything.

Also welcome to the newbies on this forum.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine starts a SA group tomorrow. I'm not sure if he is doing it for the right reasons though. I've filed divorce papers and I really think all this is just a show for the courts.

As part of our R, I told him that I wanted all accounts and the passwords. He just went and opened a new one. Dumbass didn't think I would figure it out. He won't give me the info for the new one so I am done with R and going on with my life, as hard as that is. I hope for my kids sake he is truly trying to get real help. We will see.

I know from credit card statements though that he is still looking at porn and I think he might be atleast partying or meeting someone.

When he told me about the meeting all I said was "great for you". Too bad it took him this long to attend a meeting. I have been trying to get him to go for several years. He finally does when our marriage is pretty much over. I know that I should be happy that he is going but the timing just pisses me off.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

peridot,
While my husband sought counselling before even telling me about his SA, he didn't go to an SA meeeting until his back was against a wall -- I simply said that if he wasn't doing EVERYTHING he could to help us heal, then there was hardly any point in me staying. I, too, thought the timing stunk, but at least he went (and I do acknowledge the incredible fear he had to overcome to do so) and has found it incredibly helpful. Hopefully, regardless of the reasons that drove your husband to attend, that he'll find the support and that will keep him going back.
I watched P.S. I Love You last night and found myself incredibly sad afterward -- thinking that my husband is incapable of loving me as selflessly (like the character loved his wife). I know it's a movie and unrealistic, but just want a small piece of that incredible love. I'm finally really understanding why so many people on this site refer to the roller coaster -- it goes on for a long time!
I'm also really recognizing how much I've taken responsibility for in this relationship -- childcare, meals, cleaning, organizing activities, volunteer work, my paid work, our social life (apart from his "liasons" -- he took care of those ) and on and on.
I get that I shouldn't have taken on so much and that he should have been far more connected to the family and far more accountable for his time.
But now that I'm trying to give up some of my control/responsibility, there's this chasm -- he simply isn't equipped or certainly accustomed to stepping up to the plate. And I'm not a nagger (or at least I don't want to be). It's like trying to have a new relationship but with all the debris from the old one still in the way. God, it's exhausting. I confess I'm getting mighty tempted to simply cut my losses and start over with someone new...or better still on my own.
Sigh....


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
ever_after?
New Member
Member # 17095
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also really recognizing how much I've taken responsibility for in this relationship -- childcare, meals, cleaning, organizing activities, volunteer work, my paid work, our social life (apart from his "liasons" -- he took care of those ) and on and on.
I get that I shouldn't have taken on so much and that he should have been far more connected to the family and far more accountable for his time.
But now that I'm trying to give up some of my control/responsibility, there's this chasm -- he simply isn't equipped or certainly accustomed to stepping up to the plate. And I'm not a nagger (or at least I don't want to be). It's like trying to have a new relationship but with all the debris from the old one still in the way. God, it's exhausting.

Wow, Eternaloptimist. Are we the same person? This is exactly how I often feel.


Me: BS 32
Him: SA 34
2 beautiful kiddies: boy & girl
Married: 8 yrs
My whole world fell apart: 3rd June '07.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Nov 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 11:39 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another member of SI pointed me to an interview with Michael Leahy. He's written a book called "Porn Nation" about his battle with and recovery from sex and porn
addiction. I thought I'd share the link to the original interview I listened to,
which I thought was very good, plus some additional things I looked up on my own. I think I'm going to read his book as well. I shared all this with my FWH and he wants to read the book also.

Interview with Dr Drew
http://www.westwoodone.com/drdrew
Look for this text: (right now it's the second one on the list)
May 16, 2008: Michael Leahy talks about his book "Porn Nation," which is his
true story of sex addiction and the story of America.

Here is a video clip dealing with the evils of porn which includes an interview
with Michael Leahy and his ex-wife Patty. I found this particularly helpful
because she shares her side very well.
http://www.cornerstonechandler.com/media/sermons/mediaplayer/series/bsb/mediaPlayer.php?date=091607

Also, here is a link to Michael Leahy's site to promote his book. You can read excerpts from the
book if you have Acrobat Reader.
http://www.pornnationthebook.com/

I hope this is helpful to everyone.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 11:40 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs,

Thanks so much for those links. I've become quite curious about the "porn" culture that exists. It has never appealed to me, but I tended to have a laissez-faire attitude (and I guess I still do, to some extent). But I read an article about internet porn that noted how people's brains literally changed from watching porn. Different synapses are created/strengthened, etc. I was horrified to read that many child molesters use porn with kids they're "grooming" in order to desensitize them to what will be happening to them.Porn is not as benign as many would like to believe...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to admit that I'm terrified about what my daughter is going to face when she's old enough to date. We're cranking out a generation of sex addicts.

How do I protect her? How do I let her know what to watch for? How will she know if she's with a porn addict just waiting to escalate to "porn with skin on?"

I'm seriously freaked out and right now she's only 4!!


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel! I was freaked out when Dr. Drew said that all addicts have ADD and "look for the kid with ADD and you'll see someone predisposed to addiction." I can't say I'm entirely convinced he's right...and my son isn't clinically ADD, but he's very much like my husband -- has a very hard time focussing, can't sit still, always doing four things at once...and exceptionally bright which allows him to get away with all this and still do great in school. He, like my husband, is also very obsessive-compulsive (I'm using these terms colloquially -- not clinically). He just discovered Wii this past weekend at our neighbor's house. It's his first experience with video games and he's talked of NOTHING else since. Completely obsessed with this machine.
And I watched my eldest daughter this weekend stress about how much salt my son (her little brother) was putting on his dinner. Of course, he put on too much, thought it was gross and didn't eat it. I believe in natural consequences. But my daughter was trying to hide the salt, nag him into using less. It was unbelievable to watch. She's not quite ten. I kept gently reminding her that it's not her job to take care of her brother. That it's her job to take care of herself and let her brother learn his own lessons. I could see a co-dependent in training.
I just want to put the kids under glass... and keep them there.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

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