That's great. I'm so happy for both of you. I've followed your story for along time and it gives people like me hope that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train. (LOL)
Thanks, and best wishes to you both.
We moved, things improved, and I think he was faithful for a handful of years. I had no reason to suspect otherwise.
In 1999, he had a massive heart attack with lots of residual damage/disability. That, and meds, have rendered him almost completely impotent. He has not thought of sex---even with me---in that time period. At all. He did not want me before, and has not thought of me since.
And yet he blameshifts---I reject him. Hm. He created a situation, more than a decade ago, when I stood no chance at all. He created debt so massive that I had to return to work as a full-time night RN. (Night because we had a very small child at the time, and didn't want all of my income to go to daycare.) That debt was just paid off two years ago!
Now he's impotent, and hasn't touched me in years---yet I'm rejecting.
But I digress....
He does see a psychiatrist for depression and panic disorder. He revealed last week that the panic arose when he started to squelch the SA behaviors---he never came clean about them, and was terrified.
Some of the revelations about the extent of his extracurricular activities are very new to me---just a few weeks old. I have asked him to start IC before we attempt MC. His response was that there's nothing to discuss because he's no longer acting out--but that if I want to waste money and time before we have to cough up money for our daughter to start college next year, he will. (Why yes, dear--I really do want that. Aside from the fact that you had no trouble spending money and time on whores, I think that there just might be a thing or two left to resolve.)
2. How does your SA act out & how much verifying do you do?
No acting out now. Given his medical condition, I don't check up at this point. This may be naive; if I ever have reason to suspect, you'll be reading about me in the newspapers, 'cause there will be another Lorena Bobbitt incident.
3. Has the SA had relapses / slips?
He had many. Month after month, we'd get astronomical Amex bills---he'd promise to stop, and still seriously jeopardized his family--financially and emotionally--as well as jeopardized his job.
4. Do you have kids?
Yes, an 18-year-old and a 10-year-old
5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
Recent revelations about the extent of his infidelity that he'd lied about until now. I had been triggering horrendously, and pressed for the truth---which really, came as little surprise, but was a gut punch nonetheless.
6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?
Lack of trust--if a man can look you in the eye for over a dozen years and tell you one thing, and you learn it is not true...well, it's hard to swallow much of what comes out of his mouth after that.
I also think he thinks we'll just go right back to the way things have been--he's essentially happy (though understandably not about his physical condition). All of his current needs are being met.
Mine? Not so much. And while I sailed along for a very long time on the "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" thing, it's losing its pull.
Not waklin down that path w/ him...he out of the house!
((((huge hugs, Betsy))))
He's out of town on business now, for a week.
The last time he was gone for this long was in the midst of the insanity, so I'm triggering a bit.
(But I'm also kind of glad to have some time to think...)
This weekend, I went on his computer and found that he had been on a porn site called "petite teens". One I had seen originally. It is I'd say 16-17 yo girls. When confronted, he denied, yelled blameshifted. Finally, when I had him backed in a corner, he admitted to it. Admitted he was addicted. Said it had been a problem for 16 years. That he was ashamed.
I don't know what to do. I want to run. I feel repulsed. I feel sick that he is looking at girls my daughter's age.
But, also, once again, he has been lying to me for 4 months.
If the porn bothers you then he needs to stop right now.
I've dealt with this problem for 30 yrs.
This is like another Dday for you isn't it. I know just how you feel. Do you know if he's been doing the porn for a long time?
He said it was online stuff for hours a day before we met and I don't know how much prior to DDay. But his online bill showed 60 hours a month online while working 80 hours a week and having an affair.
Yes, it does feel like another DDay. I feel sad, numb, just want to cry all the time.
Talk to him about getting help.
I'd be very concerned about him looking at the young ones since you have a daughter that age.
I was shocked to find that he admitted to it. But only after I went to the site and the pictures were dated so he couldn't deny it. But, he has been blameshifting and telling me not to call him a liar and such. The same tactics he uses to say he isn't in contact with OW. so, it makes me think...
You had no idea he was doing the porn before the A?
I'm still sitting on the fence trying to figure out why I've tolerated this behavior all these years and now the A.
I'm not committing to R until he has proven to me that he has stopped the porn.
You need to seek counseling to help you figure out this mess he has created along with him getting help.
He also needs to prove to you that there's is no contact with OW. A NC letter or email that you witness him sending. Does he communicate with her via email? What kind of contact would he be having with her now?
My WH had to go NC immediately or I was gone. He didn't get much chance to be in a fog because of the condition I was in. She did email him twice, once through a friend and then herself to apologize for the friends email. Like I believe that! She was fishing to see if he would answer her. He didn't.
You're so close to your DDay and your feelings are so raw right now. I didn't get help for 10 months and I might be in a better place right now had I sought counseling right away.
SI is a great place to get some help also. Read everything in the healing library that pertains to you. It does help.
I don't feel so alone anymore now that I know so many others that have gone through the same thing.
If he wants to seek treatment then I encourage you to stand by him if that is what you want. If he will not seek treatment for the SA, then my advice is to RUN. Run away and FAST.
Also, when seeking a counselor for the SA my advice is to find someone who has studied Patrick Carnes and has a strict program that says NO porn and NO masturbating. Period. Those are DRUGS to an SA. Any counselor who says that a little porn or a little masturbating is ok, is a total hack. Also, get counseling for yourself.
SA is treatable but the addict has to be 100% committed to it. If he's not, then it's not worth the pain to stay.
They are talking about it being a stage you go through.
I must be in that stage. The only thing is I know why.
Masturbation by my WS and being in the presence of women when I'm with my WS.
EMDR therapist is working on me to desensitise me.
My WS has admitted that I was right all along about him being attracted to other women and sexualizing them when he would look at them previous to him getting SA counseling.
Now he says he knows how wrong he was and he doesn't even look for any stimulation from them at all. He says he no longer cares and doesn't even notice them. I am having a hard time believing him and I am back to not wanting to have sex with him just like before the A. Even if I get the feeling of wanting to have sex all I have to do is go somewhere with him and the feeling is killed or just the past memories of what he has done takes care of that.
The counselor has managed to stop most of the extreme anxiety attacks I had. The rage has subsided substantially, but I'm wondering if it has now manifested itself in the drop in sex drive.
My counselor had suggested a trial separation but I don't want to live away from him right now. I'd rather just get healed.
Has this happened to any of you?
Would like opinions or discussions.
My H had innumerable affairs, mostly with hookers, one LTA with a woman barely above the hooker stage. All in all, I figure over a 7 year period he was with 70+ women.
Last September, I read the Carnes material and figured out for myself that he was probably SA. He had all the other signs. So with that in mind, I got him to agree to remove all the porn from our house. He agreed. Said he understood the reasoning, was willing to work on having a normal sex life, blah blah.
Well, 2 mo. ago, I found he was taking my Victoria Secret catalogs OUT OF THE TRASH and stashing them under his bedside table. I found them while cleaning. I confronted him. Told him it was unacceptable that he was MB to the images of other women again and asked if there was anything else in the house I hadn't found. He said no. I asked if he minded if I checked his car, the garage, etc. No problem. Very defensive about it. DIdn't like that I was not "trusting" him. Minimized, "MB is no big deal, all guys do it" kind of thing.
I told him then that all guys may "do it" but those with sexual performace problems, those that don't have a normal sex life are not "all guys" and he was one of them. I found nothing that day, but my radar was up.
Over the course of the last 2 months, he has initiated sex exactly twice. I have tried to initiate numerous times and been put off with the "a" excuses of being tired, sore, sick, just not in the mood.
So I started looking again. Found a porn DVD hidden in our bedroom. This time it was really in an abscure place. I recognized it as one he had lent to a friend prior to our house cleanout. He saw this friend about 2 months ago. Coincidence? I think not. Went into detective mode and set up the VAR, caught him on tape.
Problem is I promised not to use the VAR as a token of my trust, but I felt it had been broken, so I broke my promise too.
My first inclination is to take the DVD and get rid of it, or hold onto it until he notices it's missing. Now, like a drug dealer who can't go to the cops when his stash is stolen. He will either have to come to me and ask or go without (which I'm sure he'll just get angrier and angrier). I don't think he'll go back to the cheating behavior. He did without the porn for 6 mo until the VS catalog and dvd issues. Maybe something triggered it, I dont' know. And being oblivious to his own issue, he won't know either.
If I confront, his P/A tendencies will take over, he will lie, he will blameshift, deny, minimize, attack.
He's in IC, but has not broached the sexual subject with him. He's too either embarrassed or in denial that it's a problem.
What would you do?
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Before that WH also said all guys are like this.
Don't play games with this you need to be open and honest about this. This will not stop on its own. He will go back to it. It's an addiction. He will have more A's and hide the porn usage.
He doesn't see himself that way and this was going on for years between the ending of the A and Dday. I've gone on the the Recovery websites and he doesn't NOW fit the whole profile.
Guess I'll try the alcoholic analogy with him. Thanks Pb.