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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamlife,
You asked, "Have any of you seen This LOOK that I'm talking about?"

No, not in a situation like that but my FWH viewed porn, chatted online etc every day. I never saw anything in his face. It did not occur to me until very recently, that every time I walked into our home office he was making the same keystroke command with his left hand. EVERY TIME. And I didn't notice it at the time. It hit me like a ton of bricks recently when I was standing talking to him while he was working (long after he got sober) and he quit out of a program. Left hand, thumb on Ctrl, middle finger reaches up to hit Q. The keyboard shortcut for QUIT. Of course. It all came tumbling back. 7 years of walking into the room and him hitting those keys to clear his screen. I have since found out that he sometimes chatted with his mistress when I was in the room. He set the office up very carefully so that his back was not to the door and so that I sat where we were back to back. I would be engrossed in my work on my computer and he'd be chatting with his slut. Or he'd be reading his secret email account. Or checking his AFF account. If my chair moved or squeaked or he thought I was turning around he would hit Ctrl+Q. I never caught him with anything up on his screen.

Can I ask you something? Are you still with your WH? I keep getting confused reading your posts. Sometimes it seems that you have left him and are getting divorced or are divorced and then it seems you're still trying to spy on his computer and gather evidence and stuff. What is the status of your relationship?


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, 7yrs. now i understand how he must have done this "screen-clearing"!

i kicked him out 9/06.
we are seperated.

sorry, its difficult to say more/in great detail...*Lurker Alert*


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Roxy123
♀ New Member
Member # 18691
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long has your WS been a sex addict, have you known, & what are they doing to deal with that (SA, etc)?
I am not sure how long he has been a sex addict. We just figured out after this d-day #2 (1 month ago) that this was probally his problem. I never knew. I never knew he was acting out. 3 days ago he send me a letter to tell me about his full history. He started acting out before I ever met him and also stoped before I met him. He didn't start up again until 5 years into our relationship. I was so clueless and just trusted him blindly. He is now going to SA 12 step meetings, a SA therpist. He is reading several books and workbooks on the subject as well. He is planning on starting group therpy at some point.

2. How does your SA act out & how much verifying do you do?
Sexworkers, Prostitutes, streetwalkers, Crusing for sexworkers, Massage parlors, Sexual affair with a woman at work which included (sex,cybersex,makingout at work, oral sex at work etc). At some point Obsessvig porn use and serching Seems like there is a lot of obsessing about these things also and planning. Also avoiding being intimate with me at all.
This is all new to me. I dont know how to verify honestly. I have always been the one to handle the money so he has done a lot of this with secret money, secret email accounts. And a HUGE part of it while I have been out of town on trips. I will need to figure out a way that i can know what is going on.

3. Has the SA had relapses / slips?
Since he just figured out he is a SA then i guess not. But he did stop acting out from 95 to 2002. We did have a d-day back in 5/04 I busted him because i noticed a big atm withdraw and money missing. He told me a very small part of what he did (just what i could prove with the money trail) about 4 months of acting out and maybe 6 times. His IC and our MC claimed it was his depression and his problems in our relationship. It was not the problem the relationship was and blahblah. HE worked to gain my trust back and I really believe this was a 1 time deal that had to do with his depression and the fucked up stuff residency was doing to him. I took him and and honestly thought this was all behind us. In reality he started acting out again first only once ever 6 months or so anyway.. Now I know more of the full story (i don't know if i really know it fully) basicly acting out since 02 till now. Trying to stop himself sometimes but never able to do it.

4. Do you have kids?
nope 1 super Awesome furbabby puppy

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
H found the website after D-day #2.I found his secret email. In it it had emails to prostitutes to make apoitments and emails to the OW at work.
TONS of sexual fantacys emailed to OW.He found the site as part of his he wants to get past this and stay together stick. I looked around on SI and thought it looked helpful for me.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?
TRUST! I have no idea i can ever believe a thing out of his mouth again. How do I know he hasn't sliped and relaped or that he is even really trying. Maybe he just wants to tell me words get me to believe him and get us back to a "normal" relationship again so he can act out and I don't know. umm ok i guess FEAR and TRUST. Also he has a ton of family of origin issues, depression, a hella tuff job, No ability or desire to take care of himself. I fear he will do his normal thing of just not putting any effort into this at all.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?
Our first 4 years were amazing. I like to call it the pre-seattle time. He was attentive, we actually had sex (amazing sex), he was loving, emotionally available, We were both trusting and supportive. He was actually very supportive of me and was able to be there for me when I needed it (this is something that changed radically later)we seemed very conntected. We had normal problems but that was ok.

8. Current status?
Still Married. I have decided to not make any decisions yet while my head is still spinning. It is an emotional roller coaster. I figure during this time he can begin to prove things by his actions (his words are worthless currently) he has enough work to hang or help himself.
Luckly we have a 3 story house. He new bedroom is on the bottom floor and mine is on the top. We are sharing the middle floor where the living space is. 3 days ago I got a bunch of new information and found out he has been keeping a couple of secrets back and had been lieing about lieing.
He did come to me himself and confess "full story this time"

we will see if he is able to tell the truth and to actually tell me everything that happened and not keep secrets.


[This message edited by Roxy123 at 2:55 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]


BS (me) 33
WH (Sluggo) 44
Together 11 yrs
Married 2 yrs
D-day 1 5/19/04
D-day 2 3/13/08
"Now you know everything thats ever happened"confession 4/11/08
Lets see how much more there is really!

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roxy123,
Welcome, I hope you find support here.

You should find a good counselor for yourself too. Find someone who knows how to counsel and has experience with SA partners.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
idiotville
♀ Member
Member # 8012
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is a porn addict the same as a sex addict?


If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

Posts: 429 | Registered: Aug 2005
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Porn addict and sex addict are the same thing.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
idiotville
♀ Member
Member # 8012
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anything like a 180 for porn addicts?

I'm at the end of my rope and things are going down hill at a rapid pace.

I'm not sure what steps I need to take to fix this...can it be fixed?


If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

Posts: 429 | Registered: Aug 2005
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you guys have already discussed this and he's not willing to seek help to stop then there really isn't anything you can do to make him.

When we started IC it was my IC that referred WH for therapy for SA. I had never heard the term before. Like you I felt helpless.

If you can get him to seek help then SA therapy and SAA mtgs. Otherwise you're only option if it really bothers you is to remove yourself from the relationship or live with it.

I lived with it for 28 yrs before he finally got help and that was only because I was thinking about ending the marriage after the A.

For you to learn how to deal with it you could see if they have COSA (Codependents to SA) mtgs in your area or go online to the COSA site and join.

I just started on the COSA site because there isn't any mtgs for me to go to in my area. I can't say for sure if this will help me because I just joined and attended only one mtg online so I'm just learning about it.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi idiotville,
What is your story? I read your profile but there's not much info and I can't find much in your posts.

Has he cheated? Is he claiming to "just" be a porn addict? Did you come to that conclusion on your own?

Can you share more info? It's a little easier to offer advice when I have a bit more to go on.

Anyway, as already stated, porn addiction is sexual addiction. You can find good information on www.sexhelp.com (that is Dr Patrick Carnes site. IMHO, he is THE expert on SA)

You cannot force a SA to get help. You have to work on you. You may need to seek counseling for co-dependency or what some call co-addiction (but I personally HATE that label) If he has admitted he has a problem you can guide him toward finding a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) I posted about it in General the other day, I'll bump it for you.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
idiotville
♀ Member
Member # 8012
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 7years.... whew! I have never posted my story before... so Im gonna take a deep breath and just do it!

This is my second marriage. In my first marriage, my husband cheated, all the time I suspected but had the pleasure of walking in on him. Kicked him out, the roller coaster started.

I was told by family to go visit friends, out of sight out of mind. So I left my girls with family and went to get away for a few days. My husband kidnapped them and I couldnt find them for months. It was HELL on earth. I finally got them back. Nothin g major happened to him for it, because there was no real custody on paper so I was told we could " steal them back and forth all day long".

Anyway... I finally moved on and met someone else. We ended up married and all was great! The problem was I couldnt trust him, couldnt move past all the things me and my girls had been through, so I came here seeking some support to mend my feelings and move on.

In the mean time, he starts acting funny. Sex slowed down, he doesnt talk to me anymore, it seems like from my exp. he was heading down that road of cheating and dragging me behind him.

I started to reach out to some members here who helped me A LOT! and told me not to jump to conclusions. I havent.

But now... the sex is gone! he doesnt want any. He doesnt kiss me, he watches porn everyday and will pick MB to porn over being with me. Even when Im home and walking around naked! He will wait till Im in the shower and MB to porn.

I asked him last night..." whats her name?" he laughed and said that was " insluting". Then he told me that this was MY problem. I have issues and I like to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Well 3 weeks no sex, 8 months no forplay, 1 month no kissing. I dont think this is me jumpping the gun!

So I've spent the better half of the day crying. Because honestly, until the problems started with the not talking and him acting different, we have a WONDERFUL marriage. He is hands on with my girls, he does homework duty, he helps clean, he helps cook. He has been a great partner.

But I cant have a sexless marriage I mean, I was abused as a kid and as sick as it sounds... having sex is how I know Im loved. So in my mind, he is telling me he doesnt love me. My self esteem is GONE. I feel so low!

I've just cried all day and all night and Im sobbing as I sit here and I just dont know what I can do to fix this.

What is wrong with me? I just want this all to GO AWAY! I just want to curl up in a ball and disapear. Im so tired of hurting.



If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

Posts: 429 | Registered: Aug 2005
idiotville
♀ Member
Member # 8012
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wanted to add... I dont KNOW if he is being faithful. It seems I can account for all of his time. Phone records dont seem to show anything. On the other hand, he really seems to look at anything that walks past him...and not in a glance I mean he LOOKS.

Honestly the looking downt bother me to bad, as long as he isnt touching. But when the sex is gone and he wont talk to me, I cant help but think the worst!

I have gained some weight. When we got married I was a size 1, I was diagnosed with a dibilitating disease shortly after our wedding and gained weight. Im a size 10 now. I know this isnt his ideal weight, he likes the little skinny girls. Did I cause this? Did my weight drive him to this? God Im so lost right now I could jsut fucking scream! I dont wanna do this anymore, I dont wanna go through this pain and wondering all the time. Im so sick of hurting. Im just so damn sick of it.


If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

Posts: 429 | Registered: Aug 2005
Roxy123
♀ New Member
Member # 18691
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi idiotville,
I know this is hard for you. First off you did not do this. You are beautiful. Just because we don't look like we did the day we met our spouses doesn't mean that is a reason to cheat. They sure don't look the same either.
He may be a SA there are many ways of acting out and porn and masterbation are 1 was.
It could just be you 2 have gotten disconnected and need to refocus on your relationship, and work on your intimacy.
I think you should start IC. You went through quite a lot with your first H.
You can look at the SAA websites if you want more insite and I would suggest the cosa one also.
I think you should try and take care of yourself. You are what you can control and try actually talking to him with out accusing, just maybe there are other reasons for this. (hopefully)


BS (me) 33
WH (Sluggo) 44
Together 11 yrs
Married 2 yrs
D-day 1 5/19/04
D-day 2 3/13/08
"Now you know everything thats ever happened"confession 4/11/08
Lets see how much more there is really!

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2008
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he willing to go to counseling or talk to a relationship coach with you at all, UnIdiotville? What ever is causing the disconnect you feel, seems like having a neutral 3rd party help you guys sort it out would be a huge help if you can find the right person.

A lot of guys think that looking at porn isn't a problem & "normal" in the sense that "all guys do it", that its "harmless" while in fact it is or is becoming a major problem. If he's a "looker" that doesn't automatically make him a porn addict, but it can indicate that he is more likely to get too enthralled with it to the detriment of himself, you & your family. And until HE can see that, he will want to keep thinking that it's not a problem, cuz it's not enough of one for him, YET.

In any case, denying there is a problem is a hard one to overcome whether or not it's actually the porn fueling the disconnect or not. If the disconnect is there, it needs to be addressed properly as a team. When that isn't happening, it makes things worse in a lot of significant ways. Including fueling the disconnect even more no matter what the actual cause is (which is likely to be a combo of factors anyway).


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
notworthless
♀ Member
Member # 18943
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Idoitville, your weight has nothing to do with his SA. I hate that they make us doubt our bodies. Hugs


I will survive....

Posts: 1154 | Registered: Apr 2008
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((IV))))))

I am just a week into really realizing that my WH is a SA. I am still crazy mad and crazy hurt --but I know that I did not make him do this. He did not do this because of something lacking in me.

WH has also been trying very hard - and even he admits--it had nothing to do with anything lacking in me. Says he has always and still finds me very attractive --but still he couldn't stop.

Not sure if any of that helps (me or you)-but know that his issues are not your issues. And they are not your fault in any sense.


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
idiotville
♀ Member
Member # 8012
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He isnt willing to go for IC or MC. He says it would be a waste because he isnt a talker and he would just sit there.

Yesterday I confronted him..and he got angry and thats so unlike him, this man doesnt get angry over anything, hes so easy going and laid back.

Today he is acting like allllll is fine! we have NO problems at all and LOOK how great he is..he didnt look at anything...TODAY.

Neither of us talking about IT... just tip toeing around the subject.

I dont think I can believe that it wasnt my weight. I KNOW he loves me, I do. I also KNOW that he loved my skinny size one body and thats LOOONNNGGG gone! I just feel like by gaining this weight I have sabatoged( sp?) my whole marriage.

I had a marriage that I was sooo proud of... I walked through hell and held the hands on the devil with my first husband and I came out of it OK! And now what??? Now I spend every waking moment crying and wondering what is wrong with me. I just want to disapear. I really really do.


If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

Posts: 429 | Registered: Aug 2005
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

idiotville,
Thank you for posting your story, that does give me more insight.

I've been crazy busy this week planning my daughter's birthday party so my online time is sporadic, but I wanted you to know that I'll be back with some advice. Watch for a PM from me, OK?

Hang in there and know this. You did not cause this, it's not because you've gained some weight, this is NOT your fault. He was broken when you got him.

A good place to start learning about SA is http://www.sexhelp.com (the title looks scary but I promise it is not a bad site. It's Dr Patrick Carnes' website. IMHO, he is THE expert on SA.)


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to give you a big hug, idiotville.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 5:53 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FINALLY!!! A book for spouses or partners of SA from Carnes. (ok, a whole bunch of people wrote chapters, including Patrick Carnes and his daughter edited it)

Anyway, I've been lamenting the lack of a book specifically for spouses or partners of SA since the beginning of this crap. I'm getting my copy on Monday.

"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stephanie Carnes

Description from Amazon:
Where do I go from here? You are not alone. Thousands of unsuspecting people wake up every day to discover their loved one, the one person that they are supposed to trust completely, has been living a life of lies and deceit because they suffer from a disease - a disease called sex addiction. Stefanie Carnes brings together several authors to guide the reader through an assortment of topics like, How Do I Handle This? and, What Do I Tell the Kids?


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
idiotville
♀ Member
Member # 8012
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for all your words of advise. Im trying to process all of this. I'm really struggling but Im going to keep trying.


If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

Posts: 429 | Registered: Aug 2005
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