I actually can't believe the difference in quality of love and intimacy in our relationship between pre-D-day and now. It feels good, but I'm not ready to trust it fully just yet.
It is really nice to hear that you think you might have married your H had you known. I was hoping I wasn't crazy or totally out of my mind for considering that marriage could be a possibility someday. Provided, of course, that the healing continues in good course. Your response was really encouraging (but still very realistic, which is just the way I needed it to be.)
I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.
I think that he has been a sex addict most of his life. I didnít even realize that for a long time. Iíve known for a few years. We fight over it constantly and he promises to quit and never does. He used to stop for awhile but now he just tries to hide it. He honestly thinks deleting his browser history is going to keep me from finding out. That and hiding his extensive video collection. He isnít doing anything to fix it. He wonít admit to much of anything.
2. How does your SA act out & how much verifying do you do?
He looks at porn, chats with women online. Had a list of escorts in his wallet for eight months but says he never acted on them. Iím having trust issues with the whole escort thing. Not sure that I believe him.
I wonít say how I verify things in case he ever finds this board or figures out who I am but I do verify things and check up on him.
3. Has the SA had relapses / slips?
Iím not sure that he ever really quit.
4. Do you have kids?
Yes, boy(7) and girl(2)
5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
I canít afford therapy so I went online to try and figure out what to do with all these emotions I have bottled up. He wonít talk about any of it. Gets furious when I bring it up. I found this site through Google.
6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?
He wonít stop, wonít hardly admit to anything, wonít admit that he has a problem.
7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?
He used to be my best friend before all this. I could talk to him about anything. This isnít my first marriage. Itís my second, his first. My first husband cheated on. We didnít have any kids so it was easy to just walk away. I thought that he was Mister Perfect. So did my whole family. My mom even told me she had him on this pedestal. It started when I was on bedrest during my pregnancy with my son. I thought for a long time that he had quit. Then it just went downhill from the time I found out he was still looking at the porn and eventually things just got worse. Now Iím not sure that things can even be fixed.
8. Current status?
Weíre still married, living together. Some days we get along great, other days we are at each others throat. I think that a lot of that is because I find stuff and start a fight. I want him to hurt like I am. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster and canít get off.
It is what it is.
Living through this must be hell. I was lucky (!!!) in the sense that I didn't even find out until my husband had already admitted to himself that he had the problem, and found himself a counsellor. He'd been "clean" for almost seven months before I found out a thing about it.
I hope you'll take care of yourself. A group for spouses of SA might give you strength and support. It must be very hard to stay focussed on you when you think he's still "active".
Living with a SA who is not in recovery is toxic. It's toxic for you. It's toxic for your children. You're not doing anyone any favors by staying with someone who is not in recovery. That said, I can understand being trapped. Are you stuck? Are you financially dependent on him? What can you do to change that?
You mentioned you can't afford therapy. You both need therapy. Is there any way you can make that happen? IF he wants help he needs to see a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) and you need counseling for your co-dependency (sometimes called co-addiction but I HATE that label)
You have to listen to your gut. YOU HAVE TO. I'm sure you're right about the escorts. He's endangering your LIFE having sex with other women and continuing to have sex with you. Many SAs don't worry about having safe sex. Mine didn't. I got lucky but many others are not so fortunate.
Staying with an un-recovering SA is putting your children at a very high risk. Your son is at risk for becoming a SA, your daughter for marrying one. This is a documented fact.
PM me anytime if you need to talk.
You're a wise woman. I think I can learn a lot from you...
7yrsbetrayed, I am a stay at home mom and also going to college. I still have about 5 years left. I was going to try and stay until I got out to see if things would improve but they have only gotten worse. I am trying to find a job because I am worried that he wonít pay child support when we split up. He wonít do therapy, well he will do marriage counseling but he wonít admit he is an addict. I told him that before we went to marriage counseling he needed to get help for himself and he wonít. There is no reason for marriage counseling if he wonít admit he has a problem. Iím very concerned with how this is affecting my kids. I have wanted to leave for awhile. Right before I found out that I was going to need a hysterectomy, I was going to get a job and then leave him. Now that I am starting to recover from that I have started looking and preparing. It may be hard, as my mom has told me over and over, but I feel that it is in my kids best interest.
It's a good idea to have a "plan" -- so that when you hit bottom, you're ready to leave. I don't believe that if he was ever going to change he would have changed by now. I think we all have our "bottom" at which point we either change or stay down. It sounds like perhaps he hasn't hit his bottom. Losing you might hasten that!
And Givup -- I don't know what to say re. your partner's behaviour. I think at the very least he has issues -- though I have no idea if they stray into SA territory. His lack of respect for you, his anger, his manipulation of his therapist/you aren't very good signs. Sounds like you've got your hands full with a disabled child but your head is clearly on straight. If he can't be completely candid with you, there's not much you can do except go on your gut feelings. As Ann Landers was so fond of asking: Are you better off with this guy? Or without him?
Excellent resource. Support forums, coaching, Free workshop, for addicts and partners
[This message edited by lilybelle1 at 10:49 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]
On a personal note, my FWH and I are trying to establish physical intimacy. Last night we stayed in a local hotel where he was judging home made wine as part of an annual event. When we retired to our room, he felt somewhat obligated to have a go at attempting to make love. He seems to think he has to do this when we are staying in a hotel. I told him that there was no reason for that. There's no reason we cannot do it in our own home. He admitted he has this idea that the environment has to be different in order to make love. But he agreed with me that it's probably better to re-establish the intimacy in our own home. We have no kids at home any longer so this can happen anytime of the day.
He is so petrified to make love. As a sex addict, he has never had any understanding of the difference between lovemaking and sex. He has always been a terrible lover as a result. Our MC told us a long time ago that I have to teach this man how to make love. His 2nd wife had to do this and it worked. So I am going to do just that. I have been waiting for him to initiate it for some reason. It's not going to happen and I need to take control in this matter. I'll let y'all know how that works out.
Being the BS I have to look at is as a disease just like diabetes. Sometimes I think SA is just a cop out for our FWS. They did what they wanted to do, without any thought of us or our relationship.
I am just not feeling the empathy for SA today.
Can anyone help?
No sympathy for his guilt and depression. I also think it is a cop out for bad behavior and bad choices.
He did not care that porn bothered me. Whether or not it's an addiction he never bothered to try to stop. He totally disregarded my feelings and expected me to accept what he was doing.
When I told him my sex drive was gone he went out and had an affair. Nice.
Now he says he wanted to go to marriage counseling a long time ago. I quit going to MC over a year ago because he is so good at manipulating the session to make it all about him.
He's in counseling for the SA so that's a good thing.
He starts rehab tomorrow for the drinking problem.
When he's done with that maybe I'll send him to cooking and cleaning classes so then he'll be perfect and maybe I'll decide to keep him around for awhile. Just kidding.
I really do not understand how SEX can make someone think like that. How can looking at images of naked women MAKE you go to Yahoo and find someone who is somewhere between 15 and 60 and MAKE you go have unprotected sex at a public park?
I drink at home. I go to bars to drink. I drink at friend's house. But I sure as hell don't break into someone elses's house to steal their liquor. I sure as hell wouldn't steal all my friend's liquor behind their spouse's back!
I think it's BS that their "addiction tells" them what to do and they "can't help it".
Vent over! Thank you!!
but healing and change are incremental.
when you're given over to acting out, change and growth that may actually be monumental for a person may be something as simple as choosing to walk away from masturbation that day. or that hour. And that may be a real victory. it may be a serious battle for them.
because what happens is the SA justifies what they're doing. They tell themselves it is okay, it is normal. And then they get to a point where the behavior is very much like OCD. It's compulsive.
NOT acting out feels wrong. Strange.
and the root of it is not sexual. it's fear. Anxiety. Not acting out makes the person totally afraid... fills them with serious discomfort. Actually being normal is painful.
It's a hard thing to relate to.
I understand that.
do some reading.
it will help.
many times an SA has to delve into some really disgusting things in order to heal. it is scary and they feel they cannot change. if they believe they are just BAD ... they will not. They have to have hope.
real love heals.
the images that pop into an SA's mind constantly are terrible. and that is where the real battle is.
[This message edited by Maia at 10:59 AM, March 14th (Friday)]
I can "intelectually understand" the problem. I just think it's ridiculous, on a emotional level.