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Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one more thing...

There is a difference between noticing another person's attractiveness (which, yes, both healthy men and women do) and sexualizing, or developing sexual fantasies/focusing on sexual thoughts when noticing another person.

For example, my H used to notice a woman and immediately think about what she would be like to sleep with etc. He would then continue to develop that thought for a while. He would think about co-workers, his mothers' friends, etc. in sexual ways. That is sexualizing.


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 12:57 AM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I DO have impulse control. I have been in Many situations where I could have cheated but I didn't.

EVERYONE has been in many situations where they could have cheated cuz when there is a will there is a way usually, so that's not a good gauge. And it really only matters how many times you DID instead of didn't.

But the fact that you are taking all of this seriously & doing the soul searching you are is a very good thing indeed. Whether or not you are full blown SA, it will be valuable to you to see what areas are troublesome ones & then see what boundaries & safeguards need to be put in place to make sure that you keep making the best decisions for you & your wife / marriage.

Have you checked out Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity book? That's a great one to check out along with the Five Love Languages if you haven't read that one yet.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jessjane~

has he ever been evaluated for bipolar? they are hypersexual...anything/anyone/anywhere.

Just a thought.....


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Whoknew?
♀ Member
Member # 9270
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone tried an in-house separation? Like others on this forum, I've been married too long (nearly 38 years) to just chuck it all. We have too much invested to just leave. I still love my H, enjoy doing things with him, and just being with him. Nevertheless, the fact that he daily looks at online sites advertising local prostitues, makes me realize that he could act out again at any time (even though he assures me he won't).

I've been thinking about moving to another bedroom and trying to explain to him that I've come to the point that I no longer care what he does; that I still love him and enjoy being with him, but in a strictly platonic way.

I feel like I'm just watching my life pass by without my taking any action. He knows how I feel about his internet activity. The porn has stopped, by that's not much comfort considering his current internet activities.

Not taking action to prove that I'm serious about his stopping his internet "browsing" is driving me crazy, but so is trying to decide what to do.

Any advice?


Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Florida
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 11:28 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS & I were essentially separated under the same roof 'cept he just started a new job 3k miles away. Don't even know when we will be seeing each other again at this point, since his D is due next month so any time off will most likely be used to see the new baby which is in the middle of where he & I are.

What reason is he giving for looking at that stuff? Just innocent fun?

Do you think he will escalate his hobby if you pull out into another bedroom or are you hoping it will shake him up to put more effort into your marriage?

If you need some space for yourself, take it but please don't be surprised if he acts like that gives him permission to do even more of what he wants, if he's still foggy that's likely to happen.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only one who finds masturbation repulsive?

I finally agreed that it was ok for him to masturbate without me. All the counselors say it's ok to do that.

I believe that now is the beginning of the end of the marriage because this will just lead him back to the porn because he's going to need more and more stimulation. This activity turned me off before and I feel we are just starting this whole shit life again.

Any opinions?


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone tried an in-house separation

Modified. I moved into DD's room, but couldn't sleep, so I went back to bed with H, but there was no touching allowed. We ate together, watched tv sometimes together, but conversation was a minimum unless about the household stuff or the kids. Guess it was more of a 180.

Am I the only one who finds masturbation repulsive?

Not on your life. I have often told H that if he wants to be the creepy little old man playing with his weiner, the guy who hangs out in his bathrobe all day playing with himself, be my guest. I just won't be married to him.

H tends to stray toward this when he's bored, depressed to extremely stressed and definately when he was in withdrawal from the other women and while in the affairs, but I don't see a whole lot of it.

It's definately a warning signal for me to watch for.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 6:45 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only one who finds masturbation repulsive?

I do not find masturbation itself repulsive, no. I think for normal, healthy, NON-addicted people it is a healthy, normal thing to do. For a sex addict it is a bottom line behavior.

I finally agreed that it was ok for him to masturbate without me. All the counselors say it's ok to do that.

No. NO. NO. NO! For a sex addict it is a bottom line behavior and it is NOT ok. In order to be sexually sober he cannot masturbate. Your counselors are DEAD WRONG on this. Masturbation is not ok for a sex addict.

Is your husband seeking treatment for his SA?? If so, find him a therapist who specializes in SA who will give him the right information.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
despondent
♂ Member
Member # 13361
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the insight, Jess and Uni.

I'm still trying to figure out if this might be a possibility for me. Honestly, I am leaning more towards No to the addiction aspect of the Sex.

However, my W did bring something up about one of the frineds she made in AA.. turns out she is SA and attends meetings. The thing about these meetings, is that they aren't SAA meetings, they are SLAA meetings- sex, love adicts anonymous. When I consider that, I can see that I DO identify with trying to find validation from other women in that having them adore me(love) was what I wanted. Before, I would always stop short and wouldn't let it develop any further- I guess I was sort of a tease... well, until last year.

Still trying to figure this all out, guys. Many thanks for the responses.


Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: lost in the firmament
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy. That kind of behavior has always made me feel creepy.

7yrs. Both of the counselors are specialists in SA. One of them is HIS counselor. I was asked by the other counselor this question "Would you rather have him seek other women or mastubate at home".

I said neither I would rather live alone then.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree with 7 years.

In-house can work...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
DunnoWhatToDo
♀ Member
Member # 13511
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi sorry to stick my nose in, been lurking....and I will start posting, re-introduce myself.....

Just wanted to point out - there are 2 different support groups for SA's. One is SA the other is SAA. I believe SA is more "strict" in their definition of sexual sobriety - no sex with anyone other than husband or wife...that means self sex, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are not within their scope, as well as same-sex relationships.

It's my understanding that SAA does not consider masturbation to be a bottom line behavior. I think they leave it to the individual to make a list of their top/middle/bottoms behaviors.

I agree with 7yrsbetrayed that masturbation is a normal healthy thing for non addicts. For addicts it can be the start of a downward spiral. I think it depends on the addict.

[This message edited by DunnoWhatToDo at 8:41 AM, April 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS / 37 Him: WH / 38 / SA
Married 8 yrs, together 15
Kids: Twins 4 1/2 yrs old, my angels
DD#1: June '04 Total BS
DD#2: 09/25/06 told him to move out 09/27/06
riding reconciliation rollercoaster

Posts: 120 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: New York
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been an SA since he was very young so I've been dealing with this for 30 yrs.

When I found out about the A I pretty much gave up fighting this and tried to join his world. I pretty much broke down and as my sister said I lost myself. Porn, dressing super sexy, and I even went to strip clubs ( something he says he was never into). I even got thrown out of a strip club, not once but twice, for being too intoxicated. (Unbelievable what I did. I think I was possessed). Alcohol became another problem. I was self medicating. Everything changed when we went to counseling.

Now that we have a name for his problem as a sex addict. My life is now cleaned up and I don't want him to go back to that crap.

Now that I agreed for him to go back to the masturbation I don't know how to take that back. It bothers me and it has affected my sex drive for him. I feel he now has another sex life besides me. Am I too controlling? I just want a healthy marriage with him.

This is the only problem we have in the marriage. He has always been good to me and we get along so well and have happiness in every other aspect of the marriage.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
sweets2u
Member
Member # 2409
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pebbles, For most SA's, masturbation is a deeply seeded part of the addiction and must be stopped, otherwise they'll find themselves back where they started. Masturbation is a way to avoid intimacy and as we know, that is a fundamental element of SA. I would question the counselors' reasoning on this item.


With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26
Me: BS
Bubba WS,SA

Posts: 1840 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if my H is truly SA or was, but I do know that sexual energy directed anywhere but at the spouse, especially in light of their intimacy issues, is harmful to the relationship.

If my H is watching porn, or looking at naked women, he's turning his sexual interest outside -- to someone other than me -- and LIES about it, he's built another wall between us, he's having a sex life (even in his head) outside of M and is cheating on me. Cheating me out of, however you want to put it.

Before his As, before this became a compulsive behavior for him, I saw nothing wrong with it, we used to joke about it or used it as part of OUR sex life. Like 7yrs and Dunno said, for certain men, this is a baseline or downward spiral behavior.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am firmly in the camp of no masturbation at all. My FWH's counselor puts it this way (and I concur) "Would you tell an alcoholic they could have one drink per day? Would you tell a coke addict they could do one line per day?"

No, of course not. It's absurd to think that an addict could do that. To a sex addict masturbation is a drug. It is not ok for him to "have a little bit." (And no, you cannot equate sex with the wife/spouse/partner as the same thing. It absolutely is not.)


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to have to think about how to approach this without creating a big fight.

I agree with you 7yrs.

Right now I'm going through EMDR for PTSD because my anger and pain is so deep from all this crap.

Thanks for your help.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
moveon?
♀ Member
Member # 10445
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW - so glad I found this thread. I am still a bit confused about all of this and trying to figure out if my BF is a SA. I guess my first question would be about porn...how much is too much? I think he looks at porn 1-2 times/week, at least. He watches videos and occassionally goes to video chat/chat rooms where he pays to talk to women. However, this has stopped for the most part b/c I told him that it was a. completely unacceptable and b. too damn expensive!! Does this behavior alone make him a SA? The other thing that confuses me...HE is the one that doesn't want sex and when we DO have sex, it is very quick and mundane...I am willing to do a lot more, but he isn't interested in anything beyond the basics with ME. Whether he is a TRUE SA or not is actually irrelevant b/c the porn/lack of sex with me is causing problems, so I guess that's what matters, and not the "label"...but I would still like to confirm if this constitutes SA. Would the "experts" say that ANYONE that looks at/masturbates to porn on a regualr basis is a SA? I have mentioned this term/concept to him and told him I was worried he may be...he said he'd never heard of such. When I told him to google "sex addiction" and read up on it, he said "no thanks." Guess that pretty much answers it!


Age 41, trying my best not to become jaded...

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: TX
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The term SA didn't exist when I met my WH. Boys will be boys was the saying then.

If it affects your sex drive and it diminishes his ability to have sex with you then that's a big warning sign.

If I knew then what I know now I would have run like hell. All he would have seen is the dust flying in the air as I ran.

Don't do this to yourself.
My WH is in therapy now and I'm giving him one chance to make this right but no more.

He goes back I'm gone. You need to find the strength to confront and set up what you will tolerate and stick to it or be gone.

You are asking for a life of misery if you don't do this.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
sweets2u
Member
Member # 2409
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to proclaim that we have made it! http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=163550 We have reconciled with trust coming back more each day. Finally I got to a place after no lies or SA crap, where I feel he has truely overcome this ugly addiction. He may have worked through it some time ago, but me,myself am just now feeling some peace. Thank You LORD. and Thank you,Bubba for working so hard. LOVE YOU, Sweets


With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26
Me: BS
Bubba WS,SA

Posts: 1840 | Registered: Oct 2003
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