I think my H is an SA. I have looked at 3 different online assessments and they all put him in the "seek help" category.
My question is - has anyone's spouse gotten "sober" without treatment?
I told H of my fears. I had him give HIS answers to one of the longer assessments. He didn't dismiss it - but said that all of the things he had answered "yes" to he has stopped so he doesn't think he needs to see an IC for it.
His YES answers:
1.Do you frequently fantasize or think about sex?
2. Have you made promises to yourself or others to change or stop some of your sexual behavior, and then broken these promises?
We had a false R during which the EA/PA continued.
3. Does your sexual desire cause you to associate with people you wouldn't normally be with or do things you wouldn't usually do?
4. Has frequenting sex sites on the internet for sexual stimulation become a habit for you?
He says this would be a no because since I told him no more porn on the computer he just stopped with no trouble. But it sure WAS a habit for a long time.
5. Do you frequently engage in sexual chat in sexually oriented chat rooms on the internet?
He says he USED to do this, but stopped on his own so this isn't an issue any more.
6. Is masturbation a frequent activity for you?
8. Have you gotten rid of a pornography collection and then started collecting it again?
He says this is a no, but I know he has thrown porn out after a while and then found more later.
9. Do you with some regularity rent (or buy or make your own) X-rated videos?
He rents them a few times a year - so his says this isn't frequent?
11. Are you attracted to phone sex?
15. Do you frequent adult bookstores for sexual excitement or sexual activity?
He thinks this would be a no because he only goes to this places to buy things and not to get off from just being there?
18. Does your regular sex partner frequently complain about the amount of sex or the type of sex you desire with him or her? If you really think about it, could your demands of your partner be excessive or outside normal limits? Or, do you suspect that your regular sex partner submits to your requests that may be excessive but doesn't tell you?
OK, I told him not to answer this one as I didn't want to get into it. BUT... he likes anal sex. He knows I don't. But I have been "willing" to do it since OW did it. He KNOWS it is very painful for me, but we do it anyway...
19. Have you violated your marriage or other relationship by having sex or affairs with others?
20. Are you especially excited by sexual behavior that includes a risk of being caught?
27. Have you been, or could you be arrested because of some of your sexual behavior?
H answered NO to this one. BUT... OW used to give him BJs in the customer section of his restaurant while it was open. He said the thrill of possibly getting caught was the turn on. But.. if he got caught, he could get arrested, right? Also, OW gave him a BJ standing behind his car in broad daylight while it was parked right on the street. To me again, that could have led to an arrest.
28. Does some of your sexual activity cause you to have a secret life hidden from significant others?
29. Does your sexual behavior or fantasy sometimes make you feel hopeless or depressed?
30. Have you been told by someone that your sexual behavior is excessive, inappropriate, or out of control?
H's fav sex positions are anal and from behind. He also enjoys various other positions that make it impossible to embrace while we are having sex.
I also found some VERY disturbing porn on the computer (to me) right before I told him I just couldn't deal with any more computer porn. I found pictures of "chicks with dicks". Men in the process of sex change operations so they have breasts and long hair - they look like "women" - but they have penises. (OMG - if you could just see my blushing over here!!!)
He says he is NOT bi-curios, that he sees them as women. But OK, I can't get past the fact that they are NOT women. They have PENISES!!
So,back to my origional question. I know a bit about addiction. H is a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict. So my thinking is HE NEEDS TREATMENT. But, he says he has stopped all of his risky behaviors so he doesn't see it as a big deal.
Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? I could use some clarity, here.
H has had 5 As that he has admitted to, with a definate progression.
1. A drunken ONS when we were dating.
2. An EA
3. A regular, anonamous cyber sex partner
4. Heavy petting at a conference with a coworker followed by weeks of cyber sex with same OW
5. A 2 year EA/PA with another alcoholic who was into the phone sex, public BJs etc.
Oh, and maybe 6? The LTA, who is the one I refer to as OW, invited a man to "just watch" as they had sex a few times. Did he have an A with this guy? Not really sure.
Sorry it's so long, but this is the first time I've unburdened any of this to anyone. I should feel relieved but I just feel kind of sick to my stomache seeing it all written out.