Wild at Heart & The Way of the Wild Heart
Waking the Dead.
just... wanted to throw that out there. Google for his web site. the topics of the books may not seem relevant at first glance but ....I believe they deal with a lot (if not all) of root issues that lead one into SA. jmho.
and no, a female in an SA support group isn't a real good idea. if it bothers you, speak up. There are female groups out there but you have to dig to find them.
Does anyone else's partner go to a mixed group? How is it working out?
My H's IC won't recommend groups in our area because they are mixed.
He says they are a VERY bad idea.
"I am a goddess"
After reading all of the info and hearing from the IC that she thinks he is an SA, he finally admits that he is. My question is, so much of what he did seems so similar to so many others that don't seem to identify with the SA "diagnosis". Do you think that there are a multitude of others on SI who are but either don't know enough about it to call themselves that, or won't admit it?
I see it very often but I hesitate to offer a diagnosis or suggestion of one. I think SA is misunderstood - the perception is a "sex maniac" but in reality, it is anyone who depends on sex as a coping mechanism.
My H sound similar to yours - his LT affair was with one person and it was an off/on A. Pretty safe to say that both enjoyed the cat and mouse game and the high they got from the chase.
Having an affair does not mean you are SA but logically, it would make sense to have a higher number of SA on an infidelity site.
I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.
He has even mentioned that though it has been extremely stressful at work, one of the things that used to trigger him going to the online dating chats, he hasn't once even thought about it.
He says that he feels good about himself, doesn't feel he has to "be on" and prove himself to anyone but can be content with who he is. Does all of this mean he is healing?
I can understand how you're feeling about a woman SA being in your H's group. But, there's another way to look at it. Hopefully, what he'll get from having her in his group is that he's not alone, and that women are people too, who suffer from this disease. You are supposed to get a sponsor of your own sex, so they shouldn't be hanging out that much together. Also, I think in general, women are more verbal about their problems, so she very well may open up discussions that men might not.
Are you in SAnon or COSA? Are there any men in your group? My group has a few which is really helping me begin to trust men, and to hear things from the other side of the fence.
You're right that you can't work his program for him. For yourself, work on detaching from his problems. You can't control who is in his mtg, so give it over to your HP. Acknowledge your feelings, and talk to other group members about how they have dealt with this.
At area marathons or conventions, you get to talk to a lot of people who are SA--I can look at them, and understand that this is a disease. I know it's harder with your spouse, but you can get there.
I can't believe you're handling all this with a one-year-old and twin babies! Do you ever really look at yourself and realize what a feat this is? Wow! Lucky kids.
I won't post in the forum, because I don't want to "infringe" on the nature of the thread - that you are all with your SA partners.
But I lived it for a long time - until he said that (despite diagnosis) he wasn't a real SA, just did those things to punish me.
So, if you like, feel free to PM me, but I won't post in the forum.
Know you all are loved, and that NONE of this is your fault!!
I hope that your WS will go to a SAA meeting. I believe that it has been a tremendous support for my FWH and helped him to explore himself in a safe place with others who won't judge him. He says that going to the first meeting was the hardest thing he ever did, but now he goes back without any pleading on my part. If he wants to talk to my FWH about it, PM me and I will ask him if he is willing to talk to your WH.
last dday was 8/06, in R
Okay first, I'm not a prude. We have or at least I aways thought we had "fun" in the bedroom. Not boring...Here's my question. He wants anal sex and frequently, it's one thing that I don't like so it's something we have "done" every few months. I've tolerated it for but am uncomfortable phsyically as well as mentally with it which he knew but still "let" me do.
Unfortunately, I apparently wasn't meeting his needs emotionally (which now that I look back at will accept my responsibility for that) but also sexually in his need for "anal" sex He actually went to a hooker for it which he said disgusted him and he wouldn't do again.
Last night in my non-negotiables, I said I could/would no longer tolerate it as first it's always made me very uncomfortable and now I will have this vision of him being with a "whore".
He agreed to it but said he was sad/disappointing but would do it for me.
Do you think it's that easy?? I'm thinking not if it's something he needs and one that already drove him to a "pro". Help I can't/won't tolerate this again but don't waste time on him if he truly can't or won't be able to accept this.
"I'm in repair, I'm not together, but I'm getting there."
I can relate with your story about anal sex. If fact, it is how I tell when my husband has slipped back into pornography. There is a strange connection between the two.
He drove himself to the hooker....and then home, right? You setting boundaries in the bedroom is not only your right as a wife but good and healthy for the relationship...at least that has been my personal experience.
Besides, you may be up for it again someday but right now his little "taboo" interest is tied to alot of pain for you.
It was a trigger for me for a long time, too.
Good news is that as the porn diminished so did the drive for anal sex.
Thank god I don't have to be a porn star all the time anymore. I mean really, ouch!
And an update on me and my FWH
Things have been up and down. I'm so proud of him for getting his one year chip and all his hard work. That has been good but I've been struggling lately with feeling like my feelings and the things I need to express have been pushed aside so he could focus on his recovery. We've addressed it with our MC and things should get better now in that regard.
My FWH got a big bombshell dropped on him a few days ago. His father had been hospitalized and several things came to light. 1. His dad is diabetic and has known for about 8 months but didn't tell my FWH. 2. His dad has a new live in girlfriend (he's been married 3 times...this is just one of a long string of girlfriends which has led us to suspect that he is at least a love addict and possibly a sex addict but who asks their dad if their a sex addict?? So we don't know that for certain.) 3. His dad is an alcoholic and has a gambling problem. Major bombshells. It explains a whole hell of a lot but still my FWH is unstandably upset. I suspect that because of his age and the limited opportunities for love/sex acting out he just changed addictions. It didn't help that he moved to a town where he found lots of drinking buddies, including some relatives. FWH's younger sister is trying to convince their dad to move to a town closer to her and away from his drinking buddies.
Anyway, it's hard on FWH as he had not yet disclosed his SA to his family. He's been working toward it and had planned to but was figuring out the logistics of disclosing to several people none of whom are local and all of whom live in different places. It's a bummer to do this repeatedly. But now he really feels he needs to tell his dad but he also needs to be careful how he does it. There is a difference between disclosure and dumping and he should not dump on his dad right now. He's talking with his CSAT about it and hopefully they will come up with a workable solution that is good for everyone.