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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He only does it once a day, he mostly does it around me, cause like I said, we're intimate in just about every way but actual sex. He normally tries to find distractions. He works full time and over there, he has his mind occupied. When he's back from work he also helps with the kids and watch a little TV, nothing sexually suggestive.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Cool  Posted: 3:29 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality."
~ Ayn Rand


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
OnlyLonely
♀ Member
Member # 14326
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need your help please, please someone whit a SA WH please pm me. please! I am having so many issues with my WH. OMG I never knew it was so our of hand!
I am not just talking internet porn or matsterbating I am talking a full on sex addict who wants me when we are in R to live vicariously through me doing horrible nasty things. oh God I can't take it! So far I have only done three things I should be ashamed of, I am not right now but I am sure I will be later in life. I have not had sex woth anyone else (yet) but GOD! what do I do?

When I left him after a week of false R (I had no idea at the time it was false I just knew that he was treating me badly)I knew D was the only answer and I prayed that I would do God's will and that my WH would see the light someday. when he came crawling back after 18 days after living with slut whore bitch I though it was God bringing him back. oh man! maybe I was wrong, things are not good in the SA department. I just want a normal remorseful WH who will show me love and understanding not expect me to get over the A and do other people. oh God. Has anyone come from such a horrible low and made it work? he is my life. I love him so much.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married: 18 years

Status: In R


Posts: 7555 | Registered: Apr 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyLonely if you are participating and doing things to help him live vicariously through you, STOP!!

The things you are doing are because you are a co-addict. You need to stop this behavior and seek help for youself. You cannot control your WH but you can control what you do. Take back your self respect!

If he is not willing to seek serious, intensive treatment for his SA, my advice to you is to leave him.

I also sent you a PM if there is something you'd like to discuss.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
OnlyLonely
♀ Member
Member # 14326
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, I do NOT want to be a co-addict! I just want him normal. I have been thinking that leaving may be my only option because I can't do this anymore, never wanted to. and if he won't get help I will have no choice.
Thanks hon, I needed that.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married: 18 years

Status: In R


Posts: 7555 | Registered: Apr 2007
Heart Attacked
♀ Member
Member # 7747
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyLonely, a sex addict is like Quick sand, if you grab hold, you will most certainly go down with him. In my own case, ( I too called it love ) I allowed my SAWH to become increasingly disrespectful to me. My boundaries of acceptable behavior became broader and broader. It felt that I had allowed him to cheat on me without impunity time and time again. I prayed and prayed and thought he would "have" to change sooner or later. Afterall, I thought, noone could stay like that. I was wrong. I had to change and remove myself from the situation. He was a practicing addict, without remorse, and he continues to this day. He is a manager in a very large corporation and makes a very decent 6 fig salary. He is living without utilities because he spends all his income on the sex trades, whores, hotels, porn, tools and toys. He was quick sand and I had to let go to save myself.


A wish changes nothing, but a decision changes everything.

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Ohio
OnlyLonely
♀ Member
Member # 14326
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh God, that is so scary. well, i have had a big talk with him today. I told him I am done being his little helper and that he needs to want to recover, if he does I'll be there for support, I know of a very good program. if he doesn't want to work on it I'll have no choice but to leave.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married: 18 years

Status: In R


Posts: 7555 | Registered: Apr 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, August 5th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyLoney, stand your ground, hon! And please do seek treatment for the damage done to you by his addiction.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
shattered life
♀ Member
Member # 15575
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 5th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any book recommendations? I've found that many of the books about infidelity deal with LTA instead of addiction and many of the books for SA are written for the SA themselves instead of what choices the spouse has. I don't think I'm a co-dependent, as I just learned about this addiction. What I'd really like is real information about understanding the addiction and what my life would be like should I decide to stay with him.

I know Carnes is the leader in this area - which one of his books is best for the spouse to read?


Me: BW (27)
Him: WH (27) Sex Addict & Narcissist
D-Day #1 - Spring, 2002
D-Day #2 - July 29, 2007
Happily married for 5 years (but it was all a lie apparently)

Getting the hell away from him.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shattered,
I have the same problem. "Out of the Shadows" just scared the crap out of me and made me think my FWH had done things he had not. It really is written as a wake up call for the addict. There is a lot of information but for the spouse who is still raw and triggering all over the place I think it's completely overwhelming.

I asked my FWH what he thought about books for spouses and his first response was "Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes. He bought it and read it but at the time I was not receptive so he didn't give it to me, he's going to dig up for me to read now that I'm doing better. So I recommend that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction
by Patrick Carnes
In Carnes's diagnosis, sexual addiction is marked by compulsive, self-destructive behavior and takes many forms, such as child abuse, sadomasochism, reliance on erotic fantasy as a coping mechanism, obsession with one individual, anonymous sexual encounters or cycles of disastrous affairs alternating with sexual binging. Behavior therapist Carnes ( Out of the Shadows ) and fellow researchers targeted some 1000 sexual addicts and their "co-dependent" partners through surveys and interviews. Those who suspect that they may be sexually addicted, or know someone who is, should read this clear, helpful, well-organized guide. It shows that sexual compulsives come from all walks of life, and its advice-giving testimonies by recovered and recovering persons, combined with the author's clinical insights, point the way toward healing twisted relationships and reclaiming healthy sexuality.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also starting searching around Amazon and found a book that I am going to go out and get my hands on to see if it is good. I don't want to buy off of Amazon without being able to peruse it first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction: A Codependent's Perspective
by Christine A. Adams

Love, Infidelity and Sexual Addiction is an honest sharing of a trust betrayed. It chronicles the author's personal experiences with a sexually addicted spouse as well as stories of others in various stages of recovery from coaddiction. This book offers hope and healing to those who have suffered from repeated betrayal. It details a system of spiritual and emotional self-help including chapters defining Sexual Addiction and Coaddiction, The Shame-based Family and The Spiritually Centered Family, Signs of Obsession, Compulsive Behavior, Finding Self, The Solution, A Healthy Relationship, and Forgiveness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beyond that all the other books were written from a very religious aspect. As an atheist, those won't be helpful to me. But if anyone is interested in those books, if you pull up the ones I've suggested here, Amazon will recommend the others.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the book suggestions - I was going to read Out of The Shadows first, glad I got the heads up...

still raw but
healing tree


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first two books I read after D-day were:

Don't Call it Love by Patrick Carnes

Women Who Love Sex Addicts: Help for Healing from the Effects of a Relationship With a Sex Addict by Dianne Debusk, Douglas Weiss Ph.D.

I would recommend both of these books. Don't Call it Love was not as triggering for me as Out Of the Shadows because it tended to focus on facts of a study that was done. I found that it gave me lots of information on sex addiction and provided me with some much needed hope that SA could be recovered from sucessfully if one really works at it.

I really liked Women who love Sex Addicts because it focused more on my experience as a female spouse of an SA. This book helped me understand myself and my own role and reactions much better, while also providing hope that I can heal from this, with or without my H.

A book that I am currently looking at is called Back from Betrayal: a ground-breaking guide to recovery for women involved with sex addicted men by Jennifer Md Schneider. As I have not personally read this one, I will not recommend it yet, but I intend to read it. It looks good to me. Here is the description taken from Amazon Books:

A ground-breaking book that shares startling revelations that can help you break the pattern of betrayal. Jennifer P. Scneider, M.D., reveals to readers that your husband or lover uses his affairs as compulsively as an alcoholic uses alcohol, and that you may be codependent without knowing it. Inspired by personal and professional experience, Dr. Schneider examines codependency as it relates to addiction and addresses the anquish and helplessness that you feel. Dr. Schneider also explains how Twelve Step recovery programs can work for you, and she provides straightforward guidance to how to find such a group and how to choose a counselor.
"Offers insight into the sex addict, firm recognition that it is a complusive disorder, and the comfort and understanding that they (the wives and girlfriends) are not alone, and not to be shamed or blamed."


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's parents are coming to visit for 3 days starting tomorrow. It will be the first time seeing them since D-day and I feel nervous. My H tends to get triggered by them and ends up feeling unloved because of some of their words or behaviours.

Also, my MIL (I think that's mother in law) is always asking if I have found a job yet, and am I looking in my field, and I feel very judged by this. Even though they know about my H's SA (they found out when I did) and are somewhat supportive, it seems like they expect us to just go on in life as if there were no trauma, no hiccups experienced. It has been very hard for me to work since D-day in Dec. 06 because I am only just now coming out of a depression and working on my fear that he will act out if I leave the house. Recently I have begun applying for jobs, which I am proud of, but MIL seemed displeased when she found out they were Mcjobs, not in my field. I cannot work in my field right now because it requires alot of emotional presence and stability and I really need some more time to get back to a good place where I can be emotionally healthy. My H has tried to explain this to my MIL, but she asks it everytime she talks to him anyways. It's like she doesn't get that I've recently been devastated.

I know this is more my issue than hers...just grabbing what is her issue and making it mine. I think it is likely that there are some things in her own M that she does not wish to become aware of and so that's probably why she is not really getting it with me.

I take it so hard when I am being judged because I still struggle with believing I am worthwhile. If I could just believe that about myself, I probably wouldn't care what she was thinking about me and my job. When she judges me, I sink right back into "well, maybe she's right and I'm a lazy loser." I wish I could just believe in myself and know that my decisions for my job are valid and that I am a great hardworking person and just not have to let all that get to me. Guess I'll keep working on it.


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
Nvrthesame
Member
Member # 15656
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyone who can give specific advice on sex addicts. I personally think my FWH may be one, but how exactly do you know? When does it go from just being someone who enjoys sex, alot, to being a sex addict? Any advice is appreciated.


"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath."
-- Michael Caine

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them."
-- Galileo Galilei


Posts: 434 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: VA
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see so much support on this thread. I check in with y'all regularly...even when I'm not posting.

Had a bummer yesterday...caught H slipping back into his SA. I've been supicious for about a month. R was going very well. I asked him about it on several occasions and he lied to my face over and over. If I didn't know him better I would swear he is a sociopath.

Finally caught him red handed yesterday. I'm devestated...everything about him disgusts me. Never had this reaction before. But the hardest part is being trapped with your hurt.

Sorry to spill on all of you. Just needed to tell someone. Trust you intuitions...that's the hardest part...believing in someone so much to have them step on you over and over.

Today would have been 9 months sober...oh well...guess we are back to day 1 sober.


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nvrthesame, go to www.sexhelp.com
specifically check out
http://sexhelp.com/sa_q_and_a.cfm

Read, read, read and read some more.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{sheltered}}}}

What happened? Will it help to talk about it?

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure what will help.

I feel myself putting up a wall between H and myself which is probably a very bad thing. That is part of what led to my A late last year. I will never have another A! But, I still haven't learned how to deal with the emotions of SA.

H is a internet porn addict...got hooked on child porn for a short period and also found casual sex invitations where he exchanged naked pictures of himself.

Guess he's been back at the internet porn...saw he had been reading the casual encounters section of Craigslist...asked him several questions about the kid stuff which is a deal breaker and he admitted to looking at cute and young but nothing under 18.

I know better days are ahead...but days like today sometimes feel like they will last forever.

My work is at a stand still...so pathetic. Where's my inner strength?


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sheltered
Is he in therapy for his addiction? Are you in therapy for your co-addiction?

If he's not in serious treatment and you guys aren't getting any counseling I can't see how it will get any better. The only thing keeping my FWH on the right path is his IC and group. The only thing keeping me semi-sane is my IC.

I'm sorry he's acting out again.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sheltered,

so sad to hear that you are going through this. You asked "where's my inner strength?" It's there. You've just taken a hard hit. If my H were acting out again, and had been dishonest with me, I know my work would be at a standstill too! (((Hugs)))


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
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