When I left him after a week of false R (I had no idea at the time it was false I just knew that he was treating me badly)I knew D was the only answer and I prayed that I would do God's will and that my WH would see the light someday. when he came crawling back after 18 days after living with slut whore bitch I though it was God bringing him back. oh man! maybe I was wrong, things are not good in the SA department. I just want a normal remorseful WH who will show me love and understanding not expect me to get over the A and do other people. oh God. Has anyone come from such a horrible low and made it work? he is my life. I love him so much.
Status: In R
The things you are doing are because you are a co-addict. You need to stop this behavior and seek help for youself. You cannot control your WH but you can control what you do. Take back your self respect!
If he is not willing to seek serious, intensive treatment for his SA, my advice to you is to leave him.
I also sent you a PM if there is something you'd like to discuss.
I know Carnes is the leader in this area - which one of his books is best for the spouse to read?
Getting the hell away from him.
I asked my FWH what he thought about books for spouses and his first response was "Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes. He bought it and read it but at the time I was not receptive so he didn't give it to me, he's going to dig up for me to read now that I'm doing better. So I recommend that.
Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction
by Patrick Carnes
In Carnes's diagnosis, sexual addiction is marked by compulsive, self-destructive behavior and takes many forms, such as child abuse, sadomasochism, reliance on erotic fantasy as a coping mechanism, obsession with one individual, anonymous sexual encounters or cycles of disastrous affairs alternating with sexual binging. Behavior therapist Carnes ( Out of the Shadows ) and fellow researchers targeted some 1000 sexual addicts and their "co-dependent" partners through surveys and interviews. Those who suspect that they may be sexually addicted, or know someone who is, should read this clear, helpful, well-organized guide. It shows that sexual compulsives come from all walks of life, and its advice-giving testimonies by recovered and recovering persons, combined with the author's clinical insights, point the way toward healing twisted relationships and reclaiming healthy sexuality.
I also starting searching around Amazon and found a book that I am going to go out and get my hands on to see if it is good. I don't want to buy off of Amazon without being able to peruse it first.
Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction: A Codependent's Perspective
by Christine A. Adams
Love, Infidelity and Sexual Addiction is an honest sharing of a trust betrayed. It chronicles the author's personal experiences with a sexually addicted spouse as well as stories of others in various stages of recovery from coaddiction. This book offers hope and healing to those who have suffered from repeated betrayal. It details a system of spiritual and emotional self-help including chapters defining Sexual Addiction and Coaddiction, The Shame-based Family and The Spiritually Centered Family, Signs of Obsession, Compulsive Behavior, Finding Self, The Solution, A Healthy Relationship, and Forgiveness.
Beyond that all the other books were written from a very religious aspect. As an atheist, those won't be helpful to me. But if anyone is interested in those books, if you pull up the ones I've suggested here, Amazon will recommend the others.
still raw but
Don't Call it Love by Patrick Carnes
Women Who Love Sex Addicts: Help for Healing from the Effects of a Relationship With a Sex Addict by Dianne Debusk, Douglas Weiss Ph.D.
I would recommend both of these books. Don't Call it Love was not as triggering for me as Out Of the Shadows because it tended to focus on facts of a study that was done. I found that it gave me lots of information on sex addiction and provided me with some much needed hope that SA could be recovered from sucessfully if one really works at it.
I really liked Women who love Sex Addicts because it focused more on my experience as a female spouse of an SA. This book helped me understand myself and my own role and reactions much better, while also providing hope that I can heal from this, with or without my H.
A book that I am currently looking at is called Back from Betrayal: a ground-breaking guide to recovery for women involved with sex addicted men by Jennifer Md Schneider. As I have not personally read this one, I will not recommend it yet, but I intend to read it. It looks good to me. Here is the description taken from Amazon Books:
A ground-breaking book that shares startling revelations that can help you break the pattern of betrayal. Jennifer P. Scneider, M.D., reveals to readers that your husband or lover uses his affairs as compulsively as an alcoholic uses alcohol, and that you may be codependent without knowing it. Inspired by personal and professional experience, Dr. Schneider examines codependency as it relates to addiction and addresses the anquish and helplessness that you feel. Dr. Schneider also explains how Twelve Step recovery programs can work for you, and she provides straightforward guidance to how to find such a group and how to choose a counselor.
"Offers insight into the sex addict, firm recognition that it is a complusive disorder, and the comfort and understanding that they (the wives and girlfriends) are not alone, and not to be shamed or blamed."
I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.
Also, my MIL (I think that's mother in law) is always asking if I have found a job yet, and am I looking in my field, and I feel very judged by this. Even though they know about my H's SA (they found out when I did) and are somewhat supportive, it seems like they expect us to just go on in life as if there were no trauma, no hiccups experienced. It has been very hard for me to work since D-day in Dec. 06 because I am only just now coming out of a depression and working on my fear that he will act out if I leave the house. Recently I have begun applying for jobs, which I am proud of, but MIL seemed displeased when she found out they were Mcjobs, not in my field. I cannot work in my field right now because it requires alot of emotional presence and stability and I really need some more time to get back to a good place where I can be emotionally healthy. My H has tried to explain this to my MIL, but she asks it everytime she talks to him anyways. It's like she doesn't get that I've recently been devastated.
I know this is more my issue than hers...just grabbing what is her issue and making it mine. I think it is likely that there are some things in her own M that she does not wish to become aware of and so that's probably why she is not really getting it with me.
I take it so hard when I am being judged because I still struggle with believing I am worthwhile. If I could just believe that about myself, I probably wouldn't care what she was thinking about me and my job. When she judges me, I sink right back into "well, maybe she's right and I'm a lazy loser." I wish I could just believe in myself and know that my decisions for my job are valid and that I am a great hardworking person and just not have to let all that get to me. Guess I'll keep working on it.
"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them."
-- Galileo Galilei
Had a bummer yesterday...caught H slipping back into his SA. I've been supicious for about a month. R was going very well. I asked him about it on several occasions and he lied to my face over and over. If I didn't know him better I would swear he is a sociopath.
Finally caught him red handed yesterday. I'm devestated...everything about him disgusts me. Never had this reaction before. But the hardest part is being trapped with your hurt.
Sorry to spill on all of you. Just needed to tell someone. Trust you intuitions...that's the hardest part...believing in someone so much to have them step on you over and over.
Today would have been 9 months sober...oh well...guess we are back to day 1 sober.
Read, read, read and read some more.
What happened? Will it help to talk about it?
I feel myself putting up a wall between H and myself which is probably a very bad thing. That is part of what led to my A late last year. I will never have another A! But, I still haven't learned how to deal with the emotions of SA.
H is a internet porn addict...got hooked on child porn for a short period and also found casual sex invitations where he exchanged naked pictures of himself.
Guess he's been back at the internet porn...saw he had been reading the casual encounters section of Craigslist...asked him several questions about the kid stuff which is a deal breaker and he admitted to looking at cute and young but nothing under 18.
I know better days are ahead...but days like today sometimes feel like they will last forever.
My work is at a stand still...so pathetic. Where's my inner strength?
If he's not in serious treatment and you guys aren't getting any counseling I can't see how it will get any better. The only thing keeping my FWH on the right path is his IC and group. The only thing keeping me semi-sane is my IC.
I'm sorry he's acting out again.
so sad to hear that you are going through this. You asked "where's my inner strength?" It's there. You've just taken a hard hit. If my H were acting out again, and had been dishonest with me, I know my work would be at a standstill too! (((Hugs)))