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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 22nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Unforgetting. I'm glad you're here

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm quite familiar with Patrick Carnes' literature and I have found it to be quite helpful in my efforts to understand SA and reconcile with my H.

I have also heard of an author called Douglass Weiss but have not read any of his literature yet. How is he compared to Carnes?


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome jess and unforgetting.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sheltered, you are doing great job on respecting yourself.

Unforgetting,

the doctors say it probably has to do with abandonment/detatchment from his mother at the baby stage

I believe this is true. I had abandonment issue from childhood. When I was addicted to xOM (or before that, I was meeting some men through AFF site - mostly just had a coffee or lunch, but majority of them whom I met was getting to know them by email. After I got to know two of them, I decided to meet to actually had sex.), I needed many connection as possible, so I don't get abandoned, kind of mind-set. Now my connection is different connection. From AFF to SI and other support forum network. It is much healthier this way. I used to have men's email address only, but now I have a list of women only.

As for me, Charlotte Davis Kasl's "Women, sex and addiction" helped me understand why I acted that way. H's porn obsession stopped and my hunger for attention from strangers are nonexistent now. We are totally monogamious. We are also enjoying the daily abundance now.

Good luck to you guys and to us.

[This message edited by beach at 11:10 AM, June 23rd (Saturday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 25th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Beach...I needed some encouragement today.

Had a terrible weekend. I was triggering over H's SA and he was triggering over my A...it was scary. We both stunk at being supportive or understanding during the triggering...which has led to major insecurity.

Not sure what to do, here. Husband is doubting if he'll be able to stay married because he can't forgive the A. Which leads me to have negative thoughts about the marriage when I trigger now, too.

Seems like a viscous circle.

What would you do?

I've thought about putting my feelings on hold for a few months until H is in a better place.

I have just held my tongue for so long it feels like I'll never get the chance to heal. Guess I am a little resentful. But, that is my fault for not dealing with this before now.

H is trying to deal with the A...which is good. I don't want to sabotage him by being selfish.

For now...I guess I missed or rather messed up my chance to be the hurt partner for a while.

But, how long do I have to wait for my turn?


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
unforgetting
♀ New Member
Member # 14785
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 25th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he had his formal assesment and doctors conclude he is on teh mild side of being a sex addict - up till now this has meant cell phone records of visits to massage parlours. there was 1 phone number which was a private number. I find out today - 2 months after D-Day, and the day we're supposed to leave ona family holiday - that this one vosoit was to a hooker for Oral Sex - apparently it was a bad experience, he couldnt ejaculate so had to masturbate himself. When he tells me the experience, he adds, "he used a condom". Also adds, I keep drilling for information, and "I should move on...he is trying to move on". In R: (also seeing IC, group C, addiction clinic weekly meetings, etc, etc. But I should "get over it" because "he used a condom".
Bad timing - his dad drops by - I tell him what his son has done, he says "so everyone is a sex addict - how naive you are..." "Of course he went to get more than a massage...!"
I give up - dealing with stupid men - you would think at least you would hear - oh my gosh...and shut up.No just the responses you dont need. (Did I add his mothers been in & out of psychiatric hospitals for 30 years - I know think the father drove her there with his own escapades - from what I'm hearing from family.
Anyhow - just had to vent as I get so frustrated with stupid men, their behaviours and families that think this is normal - and support thme in it without a blink.
Wish me luck on this "family trip" - it's like the last thing I feel like doing with him for 9 hours!!!

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Toronto
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 25th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck, Unforgetting. Let us know how it goes.

I'll consider it a success if your H comes back alive...jk.

Try to keep a grip on reality amongst the madness!

Oral sex okay because he used a condom I don't think so!


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
unforgetting
♀ New Member
Member # 14785
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, June 25th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i dunno anymore...unfortunately I went into love & marriage with very differnet values than I'm getting back. I was a virgin,a beaut...now a high 6-figure-earning-wife while-he-goes-off-on-my-VISA-to-get-low-jobs-while-I'm-working-12-hour-days-says-he-was-on-drugs-didnt-know-what-he-was-doing....wants an R- see this is true but cant back up on what he did...has seen every doctor-every clinic in the vacinity- I know he wants it solved...I dont need him...he's unemployed, a drug addict,a sex addict and alcoholic (recovering though) I can't believe this is happening ...HELP.....

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Toronto
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, June 25th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sheltered))) I am sorry that both of you had triggers. I hope you can solve them by talking.

(((unforgetting))) Is your H still active SA, or to any addiction? Are you looking into join coSA (support group for spouse of Sex Addict)?


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
unforgetting
♀ New Member
Member # 14785
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 25th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will join a support group once he actually joins a group...all happening at the same time.OU guys are my support group!! (and grateful for it!!) In the meantime, am trying to decide where this is at...quite honestly am looking forward to him getting a job *(so I wont have to support him for his addictions) and moving on may be the best sound option right now...it would hurt a hell of alot...but maybe lesso in the end...and the kids,,but I'm sick of it...and the more revelations the worse...never thought it would go this far with any issues we've had...
I'm really sick of it all right now ...and desparate...

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Toronto
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, June 25th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like he needs a hard lesson. You cannot be his savior. Yup, if you keep saving him, he would not learn how to take care of him.

Stay strong for your kids, unforgetting. xoxo Beach.

[This message edited by beach at 10:45 PM, June 25th (Monday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
sadteacher
♀ Member
Member # 13072
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everybody. Thanks for having this thread. I, for one, could really use it...

1. How long has your WS been a sex addict, have you known, & what are they doing to deal with that (SA, etc)?
My H has been acting out since 14. His weakness is seeking female validation which in turn leads to sex. Most of the women are significantly older and of less socioeconomic status. He is attending a group every week. We are looking for an SA counselor. We are both working through workbooks designed to help. He attended a 4 day intensive designed for SA. We will do MC again to learn more about communication when the SA stuff is more under control.

2. How does your SA act out & how much verifying do you do?
My H acts out through female validations, emotional affairs, physical affairs, phone pic exchanges, sexual e-mail, and by objectifying women. He also masturbates and uses porn a little...but this is only a small piece. I do verify some...but not nearly as much as I used to. My greatest fear is to have something right in front of me again and be stupid enough to miss it AGAIN.

3. Has the SA had relapses / slips?
Well, he hasn't been able to maintain abstinence with me. He also slipped once by masturbating when I went camping with my family and attempted to lie about it.

4. Do you have kids?
Two daughters...one 13 & one 5

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
My whole story is listed in my profile. Unfortunately, I didn't find SI until a ways after the first DDay. I wish I had found it sooner.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?
Not being able to find an SA counselor in our area. My H's lack of consistency. My triggers. Amends not being made fast enough.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?
I always knew something was wrong and he was perfectly content "gaslighting" me into believing it was me. We had periods of our life that were good...but it was a rollercoaster. The most confusing thing for me was that he supposedly physically cheated for the first time during one of our "good times" when I was pregnant with my 5 year old.

8. Current status?
We've been living together again since March of 07 and I would say in recovery since he got back from his intensive at the end of April. Some days are a challenge...but most are good.


The truth sets us free...
BS 33 (me)
WH (SA) 33
Married 9 yrs
secret female validations started 5/99, physical affair #1 11/01, 6 total PA's DDay 9/06, 1/07
Reconciled!! Renewed vows 7/17/07

Posts: 334 | Registered: Dec 2006
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sad Teacher,

Thanks for the Q & A.

Unforgetting,

Wow...ouch! It doesn't seem fair. I recognize the grieving process you must be going through. Letting go of your expectations for your life, your spouse, your marriage.

It is sad...I went through this, too...still am. Perhaps that is something spouses of SA have in common to some extent.

For me I had to realize my life was not a fairy tale, the man who was suppose to provide and protect was broken and allowed hurt and pain into our life. Saying it is disappointing... is an understatement.

And then you have to deal with your own feelings toward marriage and divorce. I mean don't the vows say in sickness and in health...and aren't our spouses sick?

But then again...don't we deserve more. Is marriage really a fate. You get what you get and have to lie in the bed you (or they) made?

I don't know...it's all very confusing. If anything can change your views and attitudes on marriage it's an addiction.

Beach said something very powerful:

You cannot be his savior. Yup, if you keep saving him, he would not learn how to take care of him.

For me it is hard to differentiate between being "supportive" and "enabling". I got to a place where I decided that I had to simulate rock bottom for my H and I left. It was hard...I was lonely and contantly questioned if I had done the right thing. When I moved back in H saw the whole experience and me running away or abandoning him. But, I had a new inner strength. It was surprisingly easy to be apart. In fact, that was the scary part...how simple it would be to let everything you've worked for just fade away.

Moving out did not help with the job situation that stayed the same. But H did realize that his SA almost cost him his M. And started taking his recovery seriously. He had relapsed several times prior...but since the day I left he has been sober...6 months.
Every situation is different. And, I am not suggesting leaving. But, maybe this gives you some ideas. Desperate times call for desperate measures...and your spirit sounds like it needs a refresh.


Thought I'd share this thought with the group:

Respect is a renewable resource. It can grow back.


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone, do you think you are co-dependent???

I know there are a million different definitions out there, but thought I would post off of another website about this subject....

Here is an overview of Codependency, according to allaboutcounseling.com's website.....

What is codependency? What's the definition?

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.

*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.

*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; theyíre not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people canít get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

How do I know if Iím codependent?

Generally, if youíre feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, donít assert yourself when you have a need, if youíre able to recognize you donít play as much as others, or other people point out you could be more playful. Things like this can indicate youíre codependent.

What are some of the symptoms?

controlling behavior
distrust
perfectionism
avoidance of feelings
intimacy problems
caretaking behavior
hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
physical illness related to stress

Isnít everyone codependent?

There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of codependency, that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably canít say though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably donít feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.

Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn't the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, etc.

If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesnít change that weíre not getting what we need and weíre not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life Iím living?


To find out, please take a mini test.

Codependent Inventory
Instructions: Give yourself one point for each yes answer.

1. When you get anxious, do you attempt to control the behavior or feelings of others?

2. Do you feel responsible for making sure the needs of others are met?

3. Do you put your own needs aside in an attempt to meet the needs of others?

4. Do you allow others to determine how you (one point each):
Dress
look physically
think
feel
behave

5. Do you try to control how others (one point each):
Dress
look physically
think
feel
behave

6. Do you have difficulty setting healthy boundaries in any of the following areas (one point each):
touching or being touched
giving or receiving sexual advances
stating clearly your thoughts, beliefs, opinions
blaming and/or being blamed for your feelings ("you make me feel...")
blaming and/or being blamed for your actions ("you made me do...")
blaming and/or being blamed for the actions of others ("it's your fault that...")

7. Do you get into relationships with people who (one point each):
physically abuse you or your children
emotionally abuse you or your children
verbally abuse you or your children
are chemically dependent (substance abusers)
are emotionally unresponsive
are physically unresponsive
are sexually unresponsive
are rage-a-holics so that you must walk on eggshells
are perfectionists that you can never please
are jealous and/or controlling of you or your time
are emotionally immature
are workaholics
are sexually addicted, overly demanding, emotionally or sexually unfaithful

8. Do you find yourself (one point each):
unable to remember much of your childhood
dissociating or daydreaming when strong emotions are being expressed
dissociating during whoopi
minimizing your addictive behaviors
minimizing your unhealthy relationships
minimizing or denying your family of origin issues
denying your own or your spouse's addictive behaviors
denying the unhealthy nature of your relationships
denying the dysfunction in your family of origin
denying that you have made the same mistakes as your parents

9. Do you have difficulty with healthy emotional expression, such as (one point each):
tending to fly off the handle and dump anger on others
tending to repress anger and/or cover it with a smile
feeling embarrassed or ashamed about crying in front of others
minimizing your feelings and talking yourself out of them
experiencing depression
experiencing panic attacks
experiencing generalized anxiety
feeling out of control emotionally
feeling uncomfortable when others express strong emotions

10. Are you addicted to (one point each):
alcohol
street drugs
prescription drugs
food
sugar
caffeine
tobacco
spending
whoopi
romance
relationships
gambling
chaos or drama

11. Has there been any of the following abuse in your family of origin or your previous relationships (one point each):
overt sexual abuse with physical contact
overt sexual abuse without physical contact (voyeurism, exhibitionism)
verbal sexual abuse
being "spousified" by either parent
physical abuse
emotional abuse
social abuse (shaming you about your friends, keeping you isolated)
physical neglect or abandonment
emotional neglect or abandonment
spiritual or religious abuse
overprotection

12. Are you a caretaker, such as (one point each):
doing more than your fair share of the work
saying "yes" when you want to say "no"
feeling compelled to help others solve their problems
offering unsolicited advice, giving rapid fire solutions to others
doing for others what they are quite able to do for themselves, and resenting it
feeling attracted to needy people
over-committing yourself and feeling pressured and overwhelmed
feeling powerless to change these patterns
feeling suicidal

13. Does your fear of abandonment have any of the following consequences (one point each):
hold onto unhealthy relationships rather than risk being alone
seek approval so the other person won't leave
lie rather than confront the truth
become jealous when your spouse has outside interests
engage in sexual acts that are uncomfortable for you
compulsively diet, purge, or risk an eating disorder to look good
get upset when your spouse, lover, children are late
abandon or leave people before they can leave you
have difficulty being without a relationship

14. Do you or your family have a large investment in looking good, such as (one point each):
doing or not doing things because of what others might think
achieving or performing more for approval than for personal satisfaction
never expressing any strong emotions
believing that what others think is more important than your own wants, needs, or feelings
following the unspoken or spoken rule of "we don't air our dirty laundry in public"

15. Were/are the following rules (spoken or not) enforced in your family (one point each):
don't speak (children should be seen and nor heard)
don't communicate directly (tell mom and she'll tell dad)
don't express your anger or frustration (shame on you...you're being disrespectful)
don't have needs (you're selfish)
don't ask for what you want
don't be yourself
don't confront our behavior, don't make waves
don't trust your intuition, don't trust anyone

Scoring is simple: The higher the score, the greater the likelihood of codependency. Any "yes" answer is a wake-up call. Yes, codependency is widespread.

When I found out that I was co-dependent, I have read "Co-dependent no more" "Beyond Co-dependent" "Language of letting go" by Melody Beattie. It really helped me overcome.


Codependent sobriety.

AN ELUSIVE SUBJECT.


Sobriety for a sexually codependent woman is difficult to define because codependency is often about what a woman is not doing in order to be an acceptable female. She is not speaking up for herself. She is not alive to her sexuality. She is not focusing on her needs. She is not creating goals for herself. She is not saying no when she needs to.

A codependent woman lacks a sense of self, which leads her to control others, whom she mistakes for herself. "If my husband is important, I am important. If my children fail, then I fail. I'm responsible for everyone." Codependent sobriety is a process of creating an internal identity by learning to listen to signals coming from deep within you. When a woman understands fully who she is and accepts that knowledge, her need to control others automatically diminishes.

It is important to adopt the mind-set that recovery is for you. There is no schedule, no such thing as doing it perfectly. You are not doing it to please your therapist, to impress a friend, to get back at someone, to fix a relationship, or to be a good person. You are doing it because you want to feel alive.


GUIDELINES FOR CODEPENDENT SOBRIETY.

1. Be willing to know what you know, or be willing to feel whatever is inside of you, or be willing to know whatever true for you.

2. Learn to listen inside. what is true for me? What do I want?(not for someone else to be different! Not for someone else to love you. But what do you want to be?)

3. Ask no advice. Codependent woman keep themselves feeling little and others big by asking advice. They play innocent.

4. Think no advice, give no advice. Because the self-esteem of a codependent woman is tied up with other people, her mind is constantly humming with plans to change others to fit script. Resist the temptation to tell or hint to other people what's best for them.

5. Don't make fix it statement. codependents often attempt to smooth things over when people are upset.

6. Let yourself have a good gripe session.

7. Stop telling stories that could be titled that he (she) did to me

8. Stop giving reasons for everything you do. ĀEYou don't have to bring in an army of reason to support your stand.

9. Stop making excuses for others or rationalizing situations. -

10. Take your emotional temperature after visiting various people in your life.

11. Learn when to talk and when not to talk.

12. Don't give gifts you can't afford.

13. Change the question Will they like me? to Will I like them?

14. Learn to keep your energy inside

15. Pay attention to behavior, not words. Codependent women are easily seduced by words. But talk is cheap; behavior is the true measure of a person.

16. Learn to walk though fear. It is important to say "That was then, this is now. I am not a powerless child. I can make choices. My parents abandoned me, but that doesn't mean everyone else will. My parents betrayed me, but I don't have to betray myself."

17. Accept that being human is messy. Most codependent women want everything to be clean, clear, and under control. No sloppy feelings, no getting upset.

18. Stomachaches usually signify anger.

19. Protect yourself.


20. Become powerful rather than being righteous and superior to others.

CODEPENDENT SOBRIETY IN RELATIONSHIPS

1. Let relationship find their own level. - Codependent women typically put much more energy into relationships than their friends or partners do, which leaves them exhausted, irritated, and feeling ripped off. And because thy usually repress the anger that comes from giving much more than then get, they get depressed. Don't call more than you are called. Don't spend more money on friends than they do on you. Don't listen to them more than they listen to you. If you initiate one event, wait for your friend to initiate the next. It may be weeks or months, or not at all, but you will find the true energy level of the relationship. Not all your friendship will work out, but the relationship you form will be equal, honest, and satisfying. You won't have to wonder if your friends really care and feel angry because you are doing too much.

2. Anything besides yes means no.- If he says, "Sure" press for a time and place. Remember, when the addict says, "I want to,"it is often an expression of avoidance. Commitment phrases are "Yes, I will","Let's set a date," "l start making arrangements." Anything muddy or low-energy means no. So don't set yourself up by expecting the addict to come through. People who want to keep you on the hook will let you think they are saying yes without really saying yes. Codependents are afraid to press for a clear answer because they subconsciously know the answer and don't want to hear it. They would have to face the truth, possibly have a fight, and hear that the addict is not committed or truly involved. It sometimes helps to remember that if you give up an unsatisfying relationship or friendship, you will have more energy to find one that feels better.

3. Define relationships. - After an initial getting-acquainted process, or if a relationship is murky and you are getting the runaround, press to define the relationship. Addicts side step this issue and want to keep things foggy. It is important to define for yourself what you want. If you ask your partner to define the relationship first, you put yourself in a victim role. You become powerful and raise self-esteem by taking the lead.

From "Women, Sex, and addiction (A search for love and power)
Author - Charlotte Davis Kasl

[This message edited by beach at 10:38 PM, June 26th (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Beach!!!

That was a wonderful post. I'm going to print it out and take it with me to IC.

According to the test, I am totally codependent...so much so...it's scary!


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome, sadteacher!

Shelter, glad you found this interesting. Let me know what your IC says.

Sorry for the t/j.

Anyways, unforgetting, what I wanted to say about my comments is tough love. action speaks louder than words, if your addict H doesn't listen to you many times, but if you show it by action (say hypothetically), leaving him. He might learn. I mean, you also have to protect yourself from depleting you for you and your kids. You want to teach them that taking care of ourselves come first before you take care of others. By you saving him is enable him to keep doing what he is doing.

xoxo Beach.


[This message edited by beach at 2:56 PM, June 27th (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to mention that there are several in-patient treatment centers specifically for sex addicts. One is the Meadows, which is the Carnes facility. The one my H went to is outside Philidelphia and is called Keystone.

Sometimes therapy and 12 step groups are not sufficient for recovery. It's difficult to deny that a person has a problem when they are alone with themselves and having to face what they have done.

It was expensive and insurance didn't cover it. We had to refinance our home to pay for it. But it did make a difference.

It just seemed like a good time to share this.


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, June 28th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, sager.

I just realized that you are expert on this.



If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, June 28th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to answer uni's these question.

1. How long has your WS been a sex addict, have you known, & what are they doing to deal with that (SA, etc)?

I didn't know there was such thing, until I came here and that my EMA (I am FWW) was a product of his kink (threesomes - H,OM, myself, and watching me and other guys). My H was mostly porn addict maybe, since he was teenager. He did many ONS with prostitute while he was in service overseas when he was single. He only had ONS with two female co-workers at different times during our marriage (both times are open book, he told me what he was going to do). He had a big collection of porn videos. Also he was buying swingers magazine before the internet. He posted my profile in AFF to find any willing male participant for threesomes. He lurked and posted in Cockhold and hotwives club forum. We only met one couple through other site, but had a bad experience. I was sexual co-dependent who then became addicted to xOM.


2. How does your SA act out & how much verifying do you do?

He doesn't do it anymore. After my feeling got attached to xOM, it shook him up.


3. Has the SA had relapses / slips?

No.


4. Do you have kids?

Two kids. 19 D & 18 S


5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

From other forum when I was struggling ending my EMA.


6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?

Originally, my body was longing for xOM, but after total NC for 6 months, I am feeling asexual. Low libido.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?

Before marriage, yes. 4 years after we got married, we started talking about sexual fantasy. We then had always OM in our marriege and that was our norm.


8. Current status?

We are still married and reconciling.

[This message edited by beach at 6:31 PM, June 28th (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 28th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your story is really interesting, Beach.

I feel like your story could have been mine if I didn't discover the SA. My H tested out my willingness for threesomes and voyerism prior us figuring out he had a problem. I was even considering it. He's brought it up a few times now post A, too...but I'm not having it. I can see now that it is part of the addiction.

Did you two ever have other women or was it always men/ the OM?

Glad you are reconciling.


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