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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Why??)))

Sorry you are having a rough day. It is tough watching someone you used to love spiral down. I have seen that and now have to see my xWW looking better than she has in years. She's dry for almost 11 months now. But, it is just a pretty package. She still hasn't made changes in her behavior and is still with the fellow alcoholic OM. It doesn't matter what they look like on the outside if they haven't changed what's inside.

You do need to remember you can't save him from himself. It's his choices that brought him to this point and only he can make the choice to change.

Do take care of yourself. That's the only thing you have control over.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
ez2bme
♀ Member
Member # 29304
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first time posting in this category, so thankful to God for finding it.
My WS is an addict, drugs and alcohol who is in TOTAL denial. I am a recent member of Al-anon, am also a participant of group therapy for those dealing with an addicted person.
I am so excited to find this thread, am eager to get started reading and just want to thank all of you for posting, I feel less frustrated already.


Next time you think you are perfect, try walking on water.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: canada
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, betrayed1012

I felt such guilt upon seeing his picture and thinking if I didn't leave he wouldn't have gained all that weight. I know it sounds silly but it really opened up my wounds.

NC, NC, NC...back to focusing on me and my future. I did everything I could do to help him and he wound up cheating on me and showed no remorse either. To this day I have never received an amends.

Hang in there everyone.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does "rock bottom" look like? I think WH is hitting it sooner than we thought.

When he left, it was like he just wanted to escape everything. Like, he just had this "aw fuck it" attitude. He was distant, mean, cruel and just dead set on leaving for a different life.

Come to find out, that life is filled with unsatisfactory shit and I think the enormity of what he's done is starting to hit him like a ton of bricks. I found out a lot of information about the OW - a partier, a notorious cheater, money judgments, DWI conviction, the whole thing. Then, I go to a court hearing yesterday where we have to exchange financial affidavits. We are both attorneys and know the punishment for lying on an affidavit. Well, he came clean and had to disclose THOUSANDS of dollars in credit card debt that I had no idea about. No idea. He used to like to play poker online, but he always told me they were the "free sites". I did a credit check immediately and saw that he's got 7 major credit cards. The statements never came to the house. I was in shock.

When I see him now, he looks awful. My lawyer, who doesn't know him from Adam, has said to me that he looks like something is just not right; like he's a deer in the headlights. He walks slow, talks low and just looks like he is totally lost. I'm sure that the escapism of the drinking, the girlfriend, and the gambling was fun for a while, but he doesn't look like he's having a whole lot of fun now that reality has hit.

Is this what it looks like? It's very sad to me. I can't help him, but I wish he would help himself. ...


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2497 | Registered: Jan 2011
Very, very tired
♀ Member
Member # 26244
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does "rock bottom" look like?

It looks like death. The ultimate rock bottom is death. I read this in Caroline Knapp's book "Drinking: A Love Story" (I HIGHLY recommend it). Hopefully, the alcoholic jumps off the express elevator down before it hits the bottom.

I know that is harsh. I guess my point is that we don't know where, or if, the alcoholic will finally jump off the down elevator. Some ride it all the way to crashing bottom. ETA: Knapp tells the story of one woman who, after a night of drinking and waking up with a strange man, had a miscarriage. Severely hungover and in the process of miscarrying, she drove herself to the hospital, but had to stop at the liquor store first. THIS was not this woman's rock bottom.

I thought many times my H was ready to stop his downward spiral: when I kicked him out, when I discovered the A's (you pick the time, there have been so many discoveries), when he had nosebleeds that he should have been in the emergency room for, when his blood pressure skyrocketed, when he had pneumonia, when he started having neuropathy in his fingers, when he struck out at our son, when he moved back home, when he started carrying bottles with him and sneaking into the bathroom to drink...

Each time, H has kept going, kept drinking, kept up his patterns.

It is sad. Very sad.

[This message edited by Very, very tired at 1:00 PM, April 14th (Thursday)]


BW (in the 40 yr old range)
2 kids
Happily married 20 years--or so I thought. Divorcing and finding a new life for myself. WooHoo!!!!!



Posts: 1917 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Somewhere North of Hell
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! that description from the book about the alcoholic stopping at the liquor store on the way to the hospital....it's amazing what addiction does to people.
After reading so many other stories I realize that I should be grateful that my FWH hit bottom after d-day and got sober.
I am experiencing a whole new marriage - a sober marriage-and it is very different from what our marriage was like in the past.
I am happy for the life we have now but I do mourn all of the years that have been lost to alcohol/addiction/toxic thinking.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Very, very tired
♀ Member
Member # 26244
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njga-- The book is the best I have found in helping me understand the alcohol-affair connection. It is written as a memoir and really showed me how far an alcoholic will go for the addiction. Even though the author is female, much of the story was my H's story.

[This message edited by Very, very tired at 6:37 AM, April 15th (Friday)]


BW (in the 40 yr old range)
2 kids
Happily married 20 years--or so I thought. Divorcing and finding a new life for myself. WooHoo!!!!!



Posts: 1917 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Somewhere North of Hell
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i haven't been here in a while but i need some thoughts from those with experience in this.

i've long since left my alcoholic X. the simple question is this: do they always exchange one addiction for another? my X has always had some sort of addiction. running, skiing, alcohol something.

i just need a reminder that even if he gets sober it will probably be something else. i don't want to get back together with him at all but i know its going to bug me if someone gets the "good" sober X after putting up with all the alcoholic crap


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8237 | Registered: Apr 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Frustrated  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I broke NC. I sent a text asking how xwh was. Haven't heard back. Don't know what I'm doing.

Planning to hit Alanon on Sat.

Note - Today is the 1 year anniv. of my dog's death and the last time I spoke to wxh so maybe that coupled with seeing his picture prompted this...


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((why)))

i'm convinced that healing and recovering from an M with alcoholic is a whole added layer to the process.

i screwed up this morning too.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8237 | Registered: Apr 2008
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Why??)))

Don't be too hard on yourself for breaking NC. Most people don't just stop caring for someone they loved. While you may still care, you can't change or save him.

Go to Al-Anon for the support you need to get back on track. Continue to post here. Do whatever it takes to look out for you and to continue your healing and recovery.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Very,Very....

I am going to try to get the Caroline Knapp book.

Eventhough my FWH is now sober (over 4 yrs)I still am trying to understand him, our life together, our marriage.
Looking back it amazes me that I put up with so much.....
But, when you are in the middle of it -it's harder to see what's going on.

Now, that I have some distance I have a different perspective.
The book sounds interesting.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ez2bme- welcome to our little group.
I hope we can offer you some support.

Hexed- I don't think that all addicts replace one addiction with another...but many do.
In my husband's case he is finally sober and has not replaced that addiction with anything else at this point (and it's been over 4 yrs now). So, I guess he's proof that you can get sober and replace your addiction with positive things.

And..don't beat yourself up about breaking NC ....it shows that you are a kind, caring person.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, April 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has been fairly sober (he has had 2 relapses altho none of them lasted more than a day)and he does go to mtgs, he has a sponsor, two in fact.

My sobriety (my DOC was pain pills) has been an uninterrupted line for the last more than six months because I was serious about regaining my clarity, even if it meant some more pain would be coming my way. I use a different program than 12 steps, it's called Women for Sobriety, very positive and focussed on your own responsibility for managing the problem.

And indeed, no longer can my FWH blame anything on my using, because I'm not. I feel closer and closer to my old self,but I was only in my addiction for 3 years hardcore, one to kinda slide down there.

FWH, on the other hand, has been using since he was 19, anything and everything put before him. So, since he's turning 50 next month, he has a LOT of self building to do. I mean, he literally doesn't know WHAT he is feeling at any given time. Doesn't know how to make plans.

But with IC, he is learning. We've suspended our MC for the moment until he gets some more IC under his belt. I opened my own bank account. We are both learning and growing. It is possible, if your alcoholic chooses to get help, to have a better marriage than ever.

If they don't get help, though, it is rough, rough, rough. Letting go and detaching is, for me, very hard.And when kids are involved, like your case, betrayed, it's just horrific.

I applaud all of you for concentrating on the one person who's always going to be there for you-YOU.

cautious


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cautious-
I've heard that an alcoholic gets 'stuck' at the age that they started their addiction.
In my husband's case that was his late teens /early 20's...and it was interesting in IC how often his behavior throughout our marriage mimicked that of a teenager... even after d-day...when he hit bottom and got sober... he often reverted to that.
He couldn't understand why I was still hurting when he was 'being such a good boy now'.
You're so right in your description of self building. That's how I would describe it.
It was almost as if through IC and AA my husband had to learn how to be an honest,kind, moral, ethical person...or at least be reminded of this all the time.
He had definitely spiraled down into very toxic thinking and had always surrounded himself with a bunch of toxic friends that would justify his behavior. He finally found an alcoholic MOW.
He did go to IC for 1 and 1/2 yrs. At first it was very intense-2x per week for 6 months plus his 90 meetings in 90 days of AA.
Now.. over 4 yrs post d-day there are so many changes.
He is a kinder, gentler, more patient man. Honest about everything with me..with his dealings with others...down to pointing out a 1 cent error on the grocery bill.
Change is possible.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Very, very tired
♀ Member
Member # 26244
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, April 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard that an alcoholic gets 'stuck' at the age that they started their addiction.

I wanted to add to that thought.

I think, in ways, I also got 'stuck' at the age where my co-dependence really kicked in--the point where I met my H. I've known him since I was 20. He was an early stage alcoholic when we met. I didn't see it--or, chose to ignore it.

I sort of feel like I'm a 20 year old who has woke up from a long-nap and realized I am soon-to-be 40. I have a lot of growing up to do, a lot of things I never learned to do for myself because I was so focused on making H happy.

So, I'm learning how to be a 40-year old. It feels kinda awkward being a grown-up. But, I'm learning.


BW (in the 40 yr old range)
2 kids
Happily married 20 years--or so I thought. Divorcing and finding a new life for myself. WooHoo!!!!!



Posts: 1917 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Somewhere North of Hell
pobble
♀ New Member
Member # 32061
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sort of feel like I'm a 20 year old who has woke up from a long-nap and realized I am soon-to-be 40. I have a lot of growing up to do, a lot of things I never learned to do for myself because I was so focused on making H happy.

YES!! This is exactly how I feel. My teen-aged son is in some ways more grown up and emotionally mature than I am.


Posts: 12 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Lothlorien
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xWW has petitioned to mod visitation so she can have unsupervised visits. She has almost a year dry. Why does it bother me so? Is it because a counselor told me that if she was in true recovery she wouldn't be with the OM as he would be a constant reminder of what she'd done. Or, is it that she still hasn't accepted responsibility for her problem, it was anything else other than her. Or, is it that her mother went to AA long enough to get her year chip so she could get custody and within a few years was drinking again...

I just don't trust her with our children anymore after all she's done.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to hear this update, betrayed1012. Just because she petitions doesn't mean it will happen. I really hope this goes in your favor as you can't really trust her alone with the kids.

How have your kid's visits been going?

Hang in there.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, May 7th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Why??. She has drank before with the supervised visits, but it was before we had the seperation agreement in place or the divorce decree. The xWW was just trying to cover that she had started drinking again as missing visitation was a sure sign she had relapsed. She can hide the early stages well as she has a high tolerance and drank vodka to cover the smell. She has done better since her last relapse which was a straight 3 week drunk coming out only for more vodka.

When she has the children it is Disney Mom time. Few rules, no bedtime, free access to the computer or DS, fast food nearly every meal. That's not much different than what you read here about many non-custodial parents.

But, that's not what worries me. It's all I've read about chances for relapse when an alcoholic counts on a romantic relationship rather than true recovery to keep them dry. It's that says her recovery is at risk if she had to get a job, but wants to care for two children, one of which has emotional issues brought about by the alcoholism and the divorce. I worry the courts may not see the woman who left her children for vodka and the OM, but the attractive, articulate PhD. I only hope the court can tell from she's not working or looking for a job, still not accepting responsibility, etc that she's not made the changes in behavior an alcoholic needs to achieve true sobriety. I just don't want to put my children back in a situation where they are at risk. I just want what's best for the children and that is too have their mother truly sober in their lives and not putting the physical and emotional well being at risk.

[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 1:35 PM, May 7th (Saturday)]


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


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