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User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are going through so much right now, Meg.
But , it's not unusual for people that have affairs to have a lot of other psychological issues going on.
Not to excuse the affair in any way.... it just explains their mind set.
My husband was a depressed alcoholic....low self esteem,mid life crisis etc. when the affair started.
And like most alcoholics...he was extremely selfish and self centered so...an affair would be the next selfish step...right?
Our spouses were toxic....lots of issues.
But, they are getting help now. They recognize their faults and admit to their addictions.... so, things can only get better....
Stay strong, continue going to ALANON, take care of yourself.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Megpie
♀ Member
Member # 24358
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NJ.

H was home for the weekend and it was good to have him here.

He spent alot of time "in his own head" (as he put it) on Saturday and ended up with high anxiety and a bad headache. Sunday was better though. He went to meetings both nights he was home.

It seems strange to hear him call himself an alcoholic but I am grateful he can has accepted that fact about himself. I know he has a long road ahead ahead (we both do) but with each of us working our own programs we have a good cance of success.

Your encouragment means alot to me. Thankyou for that.


Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09

Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Atlantic Canada
Megpie
♀ Member
Member # 24358
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NJ.

H was home for the weekend and it was good to have him here.

He spent alot of time "in his own head" (as he put it) on Saturday and ended up with high anxiety and a bad headache. Sunday was better though. He went to meetings both nights he was home.

It seems strange to hear him call himself an alcoholic but I am grateful he can has accepted that fact about himself. I know he has a long road ahead ahead (we both do) but with each of us working our own programs we have a good cance of success.

Your encouragment means alot to me. Thankyou for that.


Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09

Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Atlantic Canada
Very, very tired
♀ Member
Member # 26244
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've only posted on this thread once, but felt I needed to post again because of an eye-opening moment tonight.

Our 9-year old DS challenged my WH tonight. He told WH straight out: "There are too many beer cans in the garbage. How about you agree to 1-year without having another beer?"

My WH laughed it off.

I sat there in stunned silence.

My kids know, don't they?

Damn, the A's, the alcohol, the everything... Al-anon, I know. I've gotta go.

[This message edited by Very, very tired at 9:53 PM, May 4th (Tuesday)]


BW (in the 40 yr old range)
2 kids
Happily married 20 years--or so I thought. Divorcing and finding a new life for myself. WooHoo!!!!!



Posts: 1917 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Somewhere North of Hell
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Very Very.....
Sometimes our children can see things that we do not...
Anytime someone drinks every day or binge drinks on a regular basis and cannot imagine stopping...well, guess what? That's an alcohol problem...
And, like I've said on here before... I knew my husband had a lifelong problem with alcohol...and yet, I did not realize how bad it was until after he was sober and in AA...then I saw the difference in the man and then he would try to explain to me how he felt during the alcohol years...how his whole life basically rotated around drinking. How he would turn down opportunities to go to the movies for example... and give excuses... but, the main reason that he didn't go to the movie was because he didn't want to be too far away from the liquor cabinet!
A good book: Marriage On the Rocks by Woititz and ..yes, ALANON...
There are also a lot of good materials published by Hazelden.org... if you google their site..lots of books for addicts and co-dependents/family members..


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very....just wondering...was getting sober one of your demands you made to your husband post d-day?

and... I have written about this before but one thing that surprised me when I read the Marriage on the Rocks book was how nonchalant the author was about addressing the issue of affairs... apparently all alcoholics eventually end up cheating on their spouses! usually with a female drinking buddy....

my husband's MOW was a co-worker but also a drinking buddy.....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Article on definition of a functional alcoholic:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-high-functioning-alcoholic/200901/characteristics-high-functioning-alcoholics


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Megpie
♀ Member
Member # 24358
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Very)))

Al Anon - yes!! I cannot tell you how much it's helped me through the last 3 weeks. I've been trying to get to several meetings a week, tonight was my 3rd since Monday.

I went tonight feeling very low and by the time I left I actually felt some peace and even a bit of serenity.

Lsiten to what NJ is saying - she has been a huge help to me and has such an incredible outlook on the alcoholic and the A.

We're here for you Very - anytime.

More hugs.


Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09

Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Atlantic Canada
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just please bear with me while I vent some.

My alcoholic stbxWW put me through the wringer getting CS out of her. I had to take her to court since she was put on LWOP due to her drinking. She reneged on a Consent Order she agreed to after she relapsed and missed a couple of weeks at work (college prof) and was caught lying to her dept chair about why she missed work. $$$ to my lawyer.

Now another relapse. I knew she was in one even after she denied it. More lies all around. She was supposed to go to our 5 yr daughters Mother's Day luncheon at Kindergarten today. I have physical custody and sent a note in to the teacher to call if stbxWW was a no show. Not only a no show she called and said Grandma wouldn't be able to make it, like Grandma was her sub. Grandma is out of town, more f***ing lies. I was just down the road having taken off from work to be ready to step in just in case. My daughter was happy to see me. I was the only Dad there. My daughter told me she was the only one without her mom. All I could do is say "well, you have me". She had a good time and that is all that matters.

My stbxWW is holed up in her apartment with her enabling POS that she met in detox. It is better than showing up drunk to the luncheon.

And, here I sit at midnight pulling together information to respond to her lawyer's Interrogatories and Request for Production of Documents. She is with the POS, relapsed. Her wonderful support network she called him.

I have no idea of what to do for Mother's Day. My children love her. They want to see her. But, I'm not going to let that happen if she is drinking. I've got the Consent Order to back me up, NO people under the influence are allowed around the children. I only hope she can pull her head out of her a$$ and not disappoint them. They deserve better.

I hate what alcoholism has done to her and how it is affecting my children.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
Megpie
♀ Member
Member # 24358
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, May 8th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((betrayed)))

Have you tried going to Al Anon? It's a 12 step program for family and friends of alcoholics. I've been going for 3 weeks now and it is helping me in ways I never thought possible.

FWH had an A 2 years ago with his XW, his drinking, which had never been an issue started getting worse and worse and on the 1st antiversary of our DDay he finally hit his bottom.

He is now in a treatment facility and working very ahrd on his own recovery. One of the things he is realizing is that while being in his alcoholic fog he was unable to fully participate in ANYTHING that was happening in our lives - R especially.

If your WW is still drinking she can't participate in anything either - even though she might want to.

You have no control over what she does and trying to only makes you feel crazier and crazier. The only person you can control is you.

I urge you to try Al Anon - many men go. The most important thing I've learned is I didn't cause FWH's alcoholism and I can't cure it.

Those of us who post in this forum understand the added pain and frustration of the WS being an addict.


Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09

Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Atlantic Canada
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 8th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meg- thanks. Yes, I go to Al-Anon. It does help. This was just a vent. Sometimes it just helps to say things. I know all about what little I have control over. That is why I am divorcing.

You are right. She can't R as long as she is relapsing every 30-45 days for a week or more of heavy drinking. She can't do anything. She has an enabling POS BF she met in detox. They have a special bond...

At the hearing the judge was very frank with her about getting her life back on track, but his words weren't any better than anyone else's.

Thanks again for the support. The people on this site are great for providing support and understanding.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 8th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed....
I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this crap.
It sounds like your wife has not hit bottom yet...amazing how far some addicts have to fall before they finally wake up and realize that they need help.
Sounds like she was a functional alcoholic before this...holding down a job etc. but, what you're describing now sounds as if she is lipping further down the sewer of alcoholism....and like you said her BF is definitely enabling her behavior....wonder if he fell off the wagon also?
You know that this Days of Wine & Roses drunken affair will never amount to anything...and the only reason she is with him is because he doesn't make her feel guilty about her drinking....
I swear all I had to do was look at my husband and he knew.... and I knew..... that he was drunk ...and he knew that I was very disapproving, angry, disappointed etc....
we didn't talk about it anymore ....during the LTA years... I of course, didn't know about the affair...but I saw the downward spiral....
and his MOW was an alcoholic drinking buddy (of course)...she approved of his drinking, encouraged it, thought he was the life of the party....
that's why they gravitate to these particular affair partners....its the urge to drink and still feel good about themselves doing it....
who else but another drunk could provide that?

I feel very sorry for your children but... I have to say that they are very lucky to have a wonderful father like you!
I grew up with an alcoholic mother...so, I know what that's like....unfortunately, my father was an enabler and was basically in denial...so, no support there.
I am also a teacher and have watched this type of scene play out in my classroom with alcoholic and even drug addicted moms....
again...congrats on how you handled the Mother's day at school... I bet some of the other kid's went home and were jealous her dad was there!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Megpie
♀ Member
Member # 24358
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Betrayed)))

Your children are blessed to have a father like you - the parent they can count on for anything. The gift you are giving them now will sustain them throughout their entire lives.

You didn't cause WS's alcoholism and you can't fix it.

What's important is that you are fixing yourself and are a rock solid Dad.

Stay strong and be gentle with yourself.


Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09

Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Atlantic Canada
rainbow70
♀ New Member
Member # 28477
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! I've been married for almost 6 years to an alcoholic. He was when we married in 2004. I ignored it and like others, thought it wasn't so bad.
He got worse and worse. Finally in march 2008, he went into rehab and got sober. This march would have been 2 years. In january 2010, he fell off the wagon and within a week started using drugs. Crack and then a few months later, heroin.

I found messages in his email trying to hook up with other women on craigslist. He didn't come home a lot. He used all his pay. I wasn't working so our bills got behind. It was getting crazy.
Finally on April 25, 2010 I put him out of the house with a PFA.

I believe he's living with an OW, one that he met in a bar about 2 months ago. He went on disability from work. I still haven't gotten any money. I was laid off 2 years ago and ran out of unemployment.

His family all lives 700 miles away so when I asked them to help, his dad (a recovering alcoholic of 20 years) advised me on what to do. He never came in. He goes to 2 meetings a day and made me do all the dirty work.
He said "oh we will all do no contact with him if he keeps using." Well only I did because I was tired of being a doormat.

Now my WH blames me for everything as does his family. WH says he hates me. I'm broke, tired, depressed and can't believe this is happening.
I miss him and love him and I don't know why.

When I picture him,I only picture the good, not the bad. I try to think about the bad parts of him and my mind pushes them away and I see the man I've had the last 22 sober months. I see the things we did, like fixing our daughters nursery, family outings, special moments and it kills me.
He called last week to say I never let him come home to get his stuff, yet I said all you have to do is go the police and have them escort you. But he keeps saying I won't allow him.
I didn't hear from him until today when he called to say Happy Mothers' day. It would have hurt less if he didn't call.
He said he's going back home to his hometown 700 miles away since his dad is the only one willing to help him.
His dad makes me sick. He told him that I'm sick, I need help, that its not my WH fault.

I feel like I'm drowning and don't know where to go.

I have no idea where he lives here or anything. I can't even get papers served as far as child support.

My family is pressuring me to D, but I'm not ready at all. I just feel such a sadness, and betrayal. And all I do is worry about him!!

I hate me.


BS-me 39 WS-him 39 DC-3 and 1 both daughters D-day 2/5/2010 D-day #2 5/4/2010

Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2010 | From: PA
Megpie
♀ Member
Member # 24358
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((( Rainbow)))

Have you been to Al Anon? It can make a huge difference.

Can you get some type of social assistance program to help you through the financial trouble?

We all understand and are here for you. Stay strong.


Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09

Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Atlantic Canada
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 11th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rainbow...
You need to see an attorney to find out about getting child support !
If you can't afford a lawyer try to find a Women's Resource Center and they will help you.
He should be helping you with your child.
And, all you can do at this point is try going to ALANON for support.
I would also write his father a letter..telling him that you love your husband but you will not live with an addict...etc.Why do you think his family is angry with you?
Stay strong.
Take care of yourself and your children.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
rainbow70
♀ New Member
Member # 28477
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His dad sent emails to me and ones i found to him that said i was sick and should have tried more. And his dad is 20 years sober and goes to meetings daily. Wh pretty much abandoned us. No address/phone/way to contact. Hasnt called about the kids or given us money.


BS-me 39 WS-him 39 DC-3 and 1 both daughters D-day 2/5/2010 D-day #2 5/4/2010

Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2010 | From: PA
confusedturmoil
♀ New Member
Member # 27781
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I have finally found the forum for me...I am not going to detail all the gore in my situation, but I will give some nutshell info as I have a HUGE question at the end:

1/17/10: found out that H had not ended A back in 2008 as he had indicated during our then-marital counseling.

3/14/10: left him after he didn't leave. Short of the long, he was arrested the same day for drunk driving with our son in the car (our DD had gone with me, son wanted to stay; had no reason not to leave him there - or so I erroneously thought). He was in jail overnight and arraigned the next day. Finally sentenced in late April. No major consequences.

3/15/10 until day after Easter: he lived at his parents' house, claiming the entire time that he wanted to move home. He offered to "dump OW on Sunday so we could move home on Monday." No deal.

day after Easter-4/30/10: he lived with OW b/c she could "help him make his case for court" (i.e., drive him everywhere, AA meetings, etc.). Still claimed the entire time that he wanted to move home and "fix things."

4/30/10-present: he is living with his parents, but is not welcome to stay more than another week'ish. He is now 62-7 (62 days sober/7 days whorefree).

Given this nutshell info: am I nuts for not "allowing" him to move home immediately?! We have two small children whose lives are in emotional turmoil anyway. As far as I can tell, they do not know about the affair (they are well-versed on the legal/alcohol aspects). I have retained a lawyer and have all the paperwork collected, but after I began attending the intensive outpatient treatment program with him, I decided that maybe the alcohol played a bigger role than I originally thought. So, we began couples' counseling this past week and even the counselor said to wait 4 weeks to even revisit the possibility of his moving back one night/week on a trial basis.

To finish out the nutshell:
I have been attending a betrayed spouses support group's meetings twice a month and am still in the throes of this outpatient program which is similar (for the family members) to al-anon. H has been attending AA a couple of times/week since sentencing (squeezed about 5/week before then). I will be attending al-anon meetings once this 2 nights/week for 3 hours/night program is finished.

Thanks for your feedback! I feel like I am doing the right thing - making him earn my trust back, if even just a little, before I even consider living with him again. I don't know if I can get over the repeated lies and betrayal, as well as the fact that even sober, he chose to live with his whore.


M 19 years
2 young kids (9, 7)
dday #1 - 9/26/07, continued affair thru 2/08
false R thru dday #2 - 1/17/10
false R #2 begun 2/28/10
final dday - 3/14/10, moved out w/kids 5/29/10
filed for divorce 8/10

Posts: 18 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Ohio
Megpie
♀ Member
Member # 24358
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((confused)))

My FWH is 25 days sober today and has been in a treatment centre for all of those days. He has 5 more days to go.

He is working hard on his "plan" for when he gets out - what his support system will include, where all the AA meetings are, finding an AA sponsor, continuing treatment for PTSD. He KNOWS he has to have a plan in order to be successful.

I'm attending Al Anon 3-4 times a week as well as a group family night once a week for 4 weeks at the treatment centre.

You have to follow your gut instinct on whether to let him come home or not. He's not homeless - he's got his parents at least for another week. Would they consider letting him stay longer? Is there anyone else (beside OW) he could stay with?

From what I've read - alcoholics are more inclined to have A's - it's part of the selfish thinking and feelings of entitlement they have - I want what I want when I want it.

It's a double whammy for those of us with alcoholic WS's. We have to deal with the A as well as the addiction.

Did his drinking get worse after you found out about the A? My FWH's did. Before the A I would ahve never considered him an alcoholic but he definitly is one. Did your H choose to got to treatment or was he forced? (From his DUI) If he's working his program seriously he should realize there are consequences for ALL of his actions - including the fact he moved in with OW because he couldn't live at home.

Do what feels right for YOU - and let him worry about his living arrangements etc. Don't enable him or feel sorry for him. You're not repsonsible for him - that's what Al Anon has taught me in the last 3 1/2 weeks.

Good luck.


Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09

Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Atlantic Canada
confusedturmoil
♀ New Member
Member # 27781
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Megpie,

Thanks so much for your feedback. Let me see if I can remember all your points.

1. I have so turned around from the enabling side of things, I am a totally new person since attending my first meeting 3 weeks ago!
2. His one sister has offered for him to use her spare bedroom, but he doesn't "want to burden anyone when he has a perfectly good house to live in" and his mother doesn't want him to burden the sister either as she is going through some difficult times.
3. MIL doesn't want him living there for more than a few weeks. She "has already suffered enough and she's not going to pay for his stupidity" - from her mouth.
4. Yes, his drinking got worse during the affair. Not afterwards, though, (at least not yet) as he just ended it one week ago. He has been sober for 62 days, whore-free for 7.
5. He chose his treatment program, not court-ordered. However, he does not have a plan. He "doesn't need one b/c he doesn't crave alcohol. He only needs it when he comes home and sees the house in complete disarray."...like I should have to clean up the messes (both literal and figurative) that he created!

And, yes, I am doing what I feel is right in my gut. The thing that I HATE is that financially we are a wreck, thanks to everything he has done. If he does move out of his parents' he will most likely move into a long-term hotel type place which is going to drain us even more. However, I do not yet feel right living in the same house. I am trying to stick to my guns, but it is getting to the point where he is going to have to "get it" or I have to get out. I am starting to feel like I am being smashed between a rock and a hard place.


M 19 years
2 young kids (9, 7)
dday #1 - 9/26/07, continued affair thru 2/08
false R thru dday #2 - 1/17/10
false R #2 begun 2/28/10
final dday - 3/14/10, moved out w/kids 5/29/10
filed for divorce 8/10

Posts: 18 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Ohio
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