Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: borderline85 (43161)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, November 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ow replied to my message on how I wasn't going to change it..well im sure it was her big words, good punctuation, good spelling..not him for sure. Here is what he/she had to say:

Grow up and stop being so defensive. Im trying to make this schedule work. I am a cook at the college believe it or not. Do you need me to send you a copy of my schedule? My hours have changed because I have changed positions. Why would I lie about when I can see my son. It is hard enough I only can see him 2 days a week and can only stay at your house and not take him anywhere. Get over yourself and think about the well being of our son. This has nothing to do with you. The schedule does not work with my new work schedule can we please change it so I can see my son. I work on Friday mornings and Sunday afternoons. I'm not asking for that much.


After that I had it. I told him it's best we have no contact till court. Don't come or call or I will call the cops.

and of course I was right about the work--he did show up today (hours we schedule-but supposibly he had to change because of work) well why the hell was he buzzing my apartment if he should have been at work AFTER I told him do NOT come. I made it CLEAR. I told him it was best if he left and walked away from buzzer. He hit a couple more times then left.

i'm dong playing these games. Done it all summer when I legaly didn't have to. Now I wonder why didn't I just stop contact in the beginning? Who knows can't change the past so Im just moving forward. Hoping he doesn't continue coming over... I will call the cops if I need to.

editing to add-- well he called me from work last night left a message. Im confused maybe he got a new job or just went in to call me at work? I've called that place asking for him to see if he wroked there (child support reasons) and they knew who he was never said he didn't work there..

[This message edited by Melissa21 at 7:47 AM, November 16th (Monday)]


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
WHATTHE?
♀ New Member
Member # 26251
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here also. Glad to see this topic. I agree that the hardest thing is when you can't tell your spouse is drinking. I do feel like an idiot. And not having known about his A just makes me feel more idiotic! Reading these just makes me feel like I should cut my loses while I can.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Nov 2009
WHATTHE?
♀ New Member
Member # 26251
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here also. Glad to see this topic. I agree that the hardest thing is when you can't tell your spouse is drinking. I do feel like an idiot. And not having known about his A just makes me feel more idiotic! Reading these just makes me feel like I should cut my loses while I can.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Nov 2009
DoneThat
♀ Member
Member # 23040
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, November 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can please look here I am looking for help with a situation.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327015

My husband has left again. I feel really lost. If you have been in a situation like this I would really appreciate your input.




Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009
Illinoisgirl
♀ Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, November 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you tried Alanon meetings? I think that is the ONE thing (this website being second thing) to help me get through the cheating.

AMEN! I only regret not starting Al-Anon much sooner. My weekly meeting is this morning and I am really looking forward to it.

sickened - Unfortunately, alcoholism thrives on secrets and lies. It's an ugly side effect of a horrible disease. And then the A on top of it? I really don't know how I'm ever going to trust WH again. It just sucks!


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
devastatedinutah
♀ New Member
Member # 26238
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, November 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ToddC:
Being married to an alcoholic myself, I want to say first: You have a long, hard road ahead. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but not until your spouse admits there's a problem.

In my relationship, he's finally figured out that the alcoholic behaviors stem from a fundamental lack of ability to cope with life the way "normal" people do. He was never taught how to socialize without a crutch (alcohol, drugs, etc), nor how to deal with disappointments or upsets to the routine.

I sincerely wish the best for you.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Nov 2009
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, November 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my ws is an alcoholic. probably from the time he left the womb...

his dad, grandfathers, etc, are alcoholics. most i know who are from his country are alcoholics.

My mom was an alcoholic when I was a kid. AT least two of her bfriends were alcoholics as well.

My first bf (I was a late bloomer...22) was an alcoholic.

When I met my h, I figured he was a good natured, funny alcoholic, so it didn't exactly count. I could oversee his alcoholism. Well, about the time of the affair, he turned into a jerk (to put it kindly). So, he was your typical mean, nasty, alcoholic.

But to be honest, the whole time we have been together, he has been self centered, which is also a trait of alcoholism.

He feels more comfortable when I drink. I can't hold my liquor, which he hates. He also dislikes when he brings home mojitos (which I DO like....on occassion) and I turn him down.

His ho could keep up with him. He adored that one and threw it in my face (yes, THAT is an admirable trait).

If I had more confidence back when I first met him.....


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, November 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sully, my husband went searching for a drinking partner as well. They ended up in an affair and ONS, but what he was really looking for was someone that would not call him on his drinking and his alcoholism.

Just remember that his disease is not a measure of who you are. Joining him in drinking would have only contributed to the disease.

It sounds like alcoholism has been around you a lot. Just know that you are stronger than you feel like and you are way more valuable than the way you have been treated by your husband.

If he is not sober, he will not be a sober thinking person. YOu are talking to a bottle and trust me, I know how mean the bottle can be.

Take care of yourself. No matter what you have to do.

(((((sully)))))


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, tryingto...imop he went looking for a bootie when doc said no sex during pregnancy. he found more than he went looking for...and liked it.

1) drinking partner.
2) he's into porn (which doesn't bother me, really) and she behaves similar to those females (even sent him cell phn video).

I cannot and will not be either one of those things listed above. It's not that Im a prude or I don't drink, but I won't take it to an extreme that's not respectful or that is damaging.

Yes, I DO end up talking a lot to the bottle.

A few months ago, he returned home total sh*t faced and absolutely FURIOUS. he took that FURY out on me. I wasn't having any of it and shut him down (a year earlier I would have been begging his forgiveness). I didn't talk to him when he woke up the next morning. he DID remember what happened but tried to play it off as if he didn't. All he said was "don't listen to me". Typical comment. Stupid comment.

Who was the wise ass who invented alcohol anyway?! To many people have literally or figuratively killed themselves in the bottle to date with many more to follow.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, November 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is an alcoholic also. He was a functional alcoholic for over 30 years of our marriage.... when I found out about his 5 yr LTA affair with a MOW alcoholic co-worker.
That was his bottom!
I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce.
He begged and pleaded to come home...immediately.. he truly 'woke up' from the fog of the affair and the forg of his alcoholism.
He got sober, started attending AA...did the 90 meetings in 90 days..still goes2-3 times per week... it will be 3 yrs in January.
He is a changed man.
Ironically, the affair may have saved our marriage because the alcoholism was becoming a bigger and bigger problem for him, for our marriage...
After the devastation of d-day I read a great book: "Marriage On the Rocks" by Woititz.
Everyone married to an alcoholic should read it!
It totally described my marriage. I only wish that I had read the book years earlier....
One of the things the book says is that eventually all alcoholics have an affair.... either the spouse becomes an alcoholic also (like the old movie-The Days of Wine and Roses) or the alcoholic husband will eventually find an female drinking buddy that approves of his drinking and then becomes his f...k buddy as well...........

so..I recommend the book to everyone dealing with an alcoholic spouse....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
keepswimming
♀ Member
Member # 26007
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm in ic and doing as well as can be expected ... so here's my question to those with more experience on this awful road - would you still recommend alanon for me even if we're divorcing? i'm just so done with him.


Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. -- Carl Bard

I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked. --Sophia, The Golden Girls


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Oct 2009
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK--help.....

My X has stopped drinking for about a month now. He's been going to class every night and AA meetings. This is court ordered but he says he's really happy about it.

He says he wants to talk about things. see if we can work out our problems.

i was so done with him. it was so easy when he was still drinking. now i feel so torn. i don't know what i want. does anyone have any experience like this?


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8235 | Registered: Apr 2008
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, November 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hexed,
You know me. You know that I am not talking out of my A**.

One month is like nothing. Court ordered, not like he went into this with an open heart.

Read my profile, my story, damn but I didn't put up with and alcoholic way longer than I should have.

So I do understand that you see who he can be, but he still needs to "show" you that he will sustain that person. One month is nothing. Really. It is just the non-drinking person. It is not yet the sober thinking person.

Hold your ground girl. You take care of you. If he comes around, fine. But it is more important that you are not his saving grace. That you have changed and that he knows it.

You are still seeking him. Seek you. You will find the answer there. Honest.

A sober thinking person requires a year of non-drinking. I am not wrong about that. Be mindful


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, November 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks TT.

I've read your profile more than once and your posts every single time i see one.

I know its not enough. I don't know why it tugs on my heart so much.

I feel so selfish but I keep thinking "i don't want to wait a year to find out" I feel like i gave up too much time to him and his drinking already.

I had started dating someone who i think is really special about a month prior to Xs DUI. i was feeling pretty good about things in my life. now this and i'm questioning everything. why does his sobriety change things for me? i've told the guy i was dating i need some time. who knows if he'll still be around after i figure this out.

i just can't figure out why i can't let go and walk away from X


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8235 | Registered: Apr 2008
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, November 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hexed,
One month...one month...one month...

I can understand the draw, but one mont doesn't make a lifetime.

I didn't even consider R with my husband until he had been sober for a year. Think about that.

A non-drinking person is not the same thing as a sober THINKING person.

New relationship?? well what ever.

You have not yet closed the door of your past and that is not fair to someone new. In my thinking.

So... in all of this where are you? Where are you without any other person?

If you are no longer enabling someone to hurt you, you are less likely to be hurt.

Are you there yet?


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, November 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really thought I was past this relationship. I've actually had what I've considered to be a very good year with out him. It certainly hasn't been an easy one. But I have started living a life that I like. I've been happy. I've even been able to interact with X w/o imploding emotionally. I've learned to stand my ground w/o invoking drama. I've learned to be at peace with what has happened.

But conceptually for some reason, it was different when he was still drinking. i knew that there was no chance at all for R with him. that i couldn't love him or have a relationship with him. the boundary was really clear to me.

having him at least profess to be happy that he has quit drinking has opened up the "maybe" again. not a "yes" i want to get back into a relationship with him. just that what i had wanted for so long seems to be in front of me. now i don't even know if i want it or if i don't. i just feel confused...that is it...confusion is my primary feeling about him/this/everything


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8235 | Registered: Apr 2008
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, November 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is an alcoholic with a serious problem. 5 hospitalizations since June to be detoxed. Back in August she met a guy at detox and formed a special bond. She told me about her new friend and how they had so much in common; drank vodka to hide the smell, hide it in water bottles around the house, etc.

Twice she has disappeared in relapses with the OP, her alcoholic F***Buddy, who appreciates and accepts her more than me. Never mind I was home taking care of our children, the house, working a job for her to go to AA meeting, or at least that was the cover story. They were less than 30 days out of detox when it went from EA to PA. But, both times she called me when she thought she was dying or needed help.

I've sent her to her mother's after the first relapse with her support network, as WS refers to the OP before I caught them. She blamed me for the next time because I wouldn't let her come home. Just like an alcoholic, the problem is never theirs, you caused them to do it. I wouldn't let her come home as I couldn't count on her not relapsing again given her great track record, she only has one 30 day medalion in all those tries. She couldn't tell me it was over with the OP, only she had asked him to give her space to think. She insisted he was a good person and I shouldn't be so angry with him. Good people don't screw married women knowing they have small children at home; a home that they are helping to wreck. Just as selfish, immature alcoholic is all he is. Caring for no one, but himself. But mainly, the relapse issue is why WS can't come home. I couldn't have the WS here around our two young children like that, passed out - near alcohol toxicity levels. They deserve better.

The WS is still in a fog of alcoholism combined with the fog of the affair. She wants back in our home with a whopping week of sobriety. I handed her separation papers to sign instead. I must protect our children from her reckless behavior caused by this terrible all-consuming disease. I can't imagine trying to R with someone who isn't well on their way into recovery. I told the WS in between the relapse hotel stays (wish she would pick cheaper places since they were in a blackout most the time-Super 8 would do for that) with the OP that I feared she would hit a bump in the road and go right back to him. And, she proved me right. He is a part of her addiction now.

The WS told me she feels like she is in limbo since I won't let her come home. Me, too. I'm waiting to see if I'll ever see her truly sober again. Without that there is nothing. I've done everything I can to support her try to recover. I've spent numberous nights in the ER to get her into detox, met with her IC to make certain I wasn't a stumbling block to her recovery, and tried to get her to go into a long term in-patient program that wasn't covered by insurance because I was told it was probably her only hope. I get demonized and cheated on for my efforts. Alcoholism is a horrible disease and has only two final outcomes: get better or die.

[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 12:16 AM, November 26th (Thursday)]


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, November 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

betrayed you are so right in your thinking. First protect those kids, then pray she gets help and support her soberity, but do not support her in any other way.

You have done something that is very, very difficult. It cannot have been easy to finally say, no more. No more hurting us with you disease. I know how hard that line is to draw in the sand. Even when you know it is what must be done, it is still not easy to live through.

My husband ran to drinkers, sick people like himself. He couldn't stand to see himself through my eyes. They should him the truth. He avoided that at all costs.

He finally became sober when he finally realized he was going to die. He didn't stop drinking for me or our marriage, or our daughter.

Funny how the selfishness of his alcoholism is also what saved him. Got him sober.

betrayed, in case no one has told you...you are doing the right thing. You are doing what is best for you, your children and for her.

Sending you my thoughts and prayers.


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
keepswimming
♀ Member
Member # 26007
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, November 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

right there with you betrayed ... my ws has convinced himself that i've never tried to help him be sober, that only he and his dear mommy have - i'm the road block. the road block that got him help countless times, that doesn't drink at all, that keeps all alcohol out of the house, that drove his sorry ass to classes when he lost his license, that pays the bills, that keeps the house running, that yes, won't let him come home when he is like this. it's all my fault. he says he doesn't blame me, i told him actions speak louder than words. if there is a more destructive disease than addiction i don't know it. selfishness wrapped in terrible decisions. ugh.


Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. -- Carl Bard

I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked. --Sophia, The Golden Girls


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Oct 2009
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, November 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryingtwo and keepswimming:

Thanks for the support. You know how hard it is to do this. Youknow the agony of loving someone with this disease. I appreciate your insight and encouragement.

The A in one aspect pushed over edge. I made me see that the alcoholism was so in control that she couldn't be trusted no matter how much I wanted to. I couldn't have the alcoholic behavior around our children anymore.

My WS is brillant. She was top in her field and has a PhD. This all works against her. She can rationalize almost anything. I think she believes she can control the alcohol and it is not the other way around. It is so tough for her to admit that she is not in control. Her IC told me this is by far the toughest case she has ever had.

I'm not doing all that well at this. My mind constantly plays "what if" on me. Searches for something else I could do or should have done to make it better. I had the separation papers ready before she ran off the second time, but couldn't bear to push her for fear it would trigger a relapse. I have a divorce compliant signed and ready to be filed if she balks on the separation giving me custody of our children and some protection from her reckless behavior when relapsed. I hate to think of what I may have to do. I live in constant turmoil.

So, I'm trying to hold that line. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But, I have to for the sake of our children.

It is so hard to stand on the shore and watch someone you care about drowning with nothing you can do to help. You call to them, encourage them to come to shore, but they just keep drifting away.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.