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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
cowboytakemeaway
Member
Member # 3486
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cautious, what if I don't want him to go? I want to fix this, I'm so in love with him...we have built a family together and losing him means losing my step-son and the thought of it is unbearable. I'm so lost right now..


Come Monday, it'll be all right...

Posts: 424 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Pennsylvania
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You always have lots of choices.

Have you gone to AlAnon for you, seen an IC, read a bunch about alcoholism, codependency, etc.?

Him driving drunk with stepson in the car makes it real serious to me.

You can sit down and talk with him while he is sober and tell him you are very worried and unhappy and you want him to get help. But have you done this already? And what has the response been?

The problem is YOU can't fix it cause it's HIS problem, hun. All you can do is some good hard thinking about how long you want to bear witness to a progressive disease that only gets worse if the person doesn't get help.

Maybe if you tell him how you feel he will want to get help. It just doesn't usually work that way.

They call it "hitting bottom" for a reason.

My H was in uber denial and claimed there wasn't a problem, he could maintain, he could be in control of it, etc. until he finally got a DUI. I was happy cause I had cold hard facts that couldn't be argued with. He agreed to get sober, but lied about it for 2 years.

It took another DUi which he tried desperately to hide from me until he was forced to come clean. Right before he told the truth, I was ready to kick him out because he was just acting so distant and strange; all I knew was we weren't happy and I was tired of waiting and hoping.

When I found out about DUI #2, I kicked him out and told him if he wanted to live with me he'd have to go to rehab. For the first time he believed that I was serious. And I was, serious as a triple heart attack.

He had detox for a week, then rehab for almost 6 months before he moved home. He's very consistent about meetings, has a sponsor, is working steps now for the first time in his life at nearly 50.

In the middle of all this the A stuff came up; it had been over for a while, but it didn't make anything easier that's for sure.

I know if I hadn't kicked him out he would still be drinking, so that's why I'm advocating a hard stance.

Of course you don't want him to go, but how do you want to live? You have to be strong because he is the addict. Hardly anyone stops on their own; it's a very powerful compulsion.

Feel free to PM me if you have any specific questions. Inform yourself and be clear before you set any boundaries because you have to be prepared to follow through.


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, September 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you help someone realize they might have an alcohol problem? Little history: married 22 yrs, 2 kids; D-day 6 Jan 09, found out that he slept w/2 women, went to strip clubs (over $1000 each time for lap dances), all while drunk this past year. Went to MC, brought this up, and both agreed he would not drink anymore. He went to a support group but states he doesn't really get drunk often, he did last year b/c thought marriage was ending (I had no idea he felt like this), etc...I see this as excuses. Then, while under the influence, he started emailing/face booking one of the OW. I told him he needed to quit b/c when he drinks he makes very poor decisions; he replied "yes I do." But no discussion on how he is going to get treatment/help, etc. I know that it is just a matter of time before he drinks too much again, and does something terrible. Due to job issues, I live in the states and he is overseas (left Jun 09 and will return for a visit Nov 09, home for good Jun 10).


Divorced

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Sep 2009
Illinoisgirl
♀ Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out WH had an affair 2 years ago. He's been sober about 1-1/2 years and I felt like our relationship was just getting back on track.

He's been working on Step 7 (I think?) and has all these papers and folders of AA stuff. I'm not proud of it, but I looked in the folder to see what he has been writing. The first thing on his list of "people I have harmed" was wife-affair-6 months. I was in total shock. I felt like I was going to die!

I confronted him that night and he said they only had sex twice. (Which there is no way I believe!) I said "What the hell did you do for the rest of the 6 months?" and he said something like "She listened to me and paid attention to me and laughed at my jokes." WTF! It's hard for me to be in the mood for jokes when I'm doing EVERYTHING around the house because you are either working, napping or at an AA meeting. I think the EA is almost worse than the PA.

I'm so fucking pissed! First I put up with years of the alcoholic bullshit. Then I put up with 1-1/2 years of recovery. (Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled he's sober, but he's in a hard-core group and goes to meetings every night. Almost EVERY NIGHT for 1-1/2 years. We have 3 kids and being a married/single parent sucks.)

Now this?!? I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. He does all this stuff and I'm the one who just has to pay and pay and pay. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. We haven't even had a chance to talk about the A since that first night because by the time he gets home from his meetings I am asleep or the kids are around. I just wish it would all go away.


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurting2much-

You can't make anyone realize they have an alcohol problem, unfortunately. SUCKS!

You can say- You agreed not to drink, and you are drinking. That tells me you have a problem. "Getting drink" is obviously a very subjective thing. Definitely rat him out to the counselor!

When he gets back, set whatever boundaries make sense to you that you can enforce: If you come home drunk, the kids and I will go somewhere else. If you choose to drink, I will not let you in the house. Or whatever makes sense for you.

Definitely have the talk about treatment/ support/help to get sober.

Illinoisgirl:

Your H needs a reality check! He's got to balance being a father and a husband with being an addict. That is totally unfair for him to go to meetings every single night while you parent alone.

Tell him this, and make sure he shares it with his sponsor. If he has a good one, his sponsor will surely recognize the truth.

Yes, sobriety is of primo importance. But after 1 1/2 years of this, his ride on the pink cloud of recovery is over. he now needs to carry the messages and teachings into his real life.

I would say: YOu now get three meetings a week. The other four evenings I expect you to be here, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, bathing, etc. And one of those nights HAS to be YOUR night off! To go get coffee with a friend, hit the gym, go to the park and read, whatever!

Too often addicts continue to use us super-capable spouses to stay children. Your H needs to man up now, and re-join real life and be a partner in your marriage!

Than add on top that you just found out about his A. I'm so sorry. I'm sure he will say that the alcohol had something to do with it. My H does. I sort of believe it but not all the way.

What IS true is it has NOTHING to do with YOU, it's all on him. Good luck and keep posting.


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, October 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is an alcoholic. It runs in his family. My mother was one, too, but quit. I ignored my WH's problem cuz he was a "funny" alcoholic. We were married, 4 yrs before his A and that's when he turned into a "Nasty Alcoholic". Though, he says he isn't an alcoholic.

He told his OW I said he drank too much and it was having an affect on his body (it was and is). Of course she said I was cruel and she and her health store owner friend, put him on suppliments. BTW, they keep up with each other (drinking). Or did. Or are. Or whatever.

(shaking the head).


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
sickened
♀ Member
Member # 18250
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, October 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sick of the lying. why can't they just be honest? I would have more compassion if he told me the truth.


BW 48
FWH 59 recovering alcoholic
M 17 years
4 kids (ours): 9, 12, 14, 16
1 grown (his): 30
DDay 2/16/08 w/ 26 year old (vomit) after a year of false MC
Status: trying

Posts: 733 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: MA
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS is an alcoholic and sex addiction. I left he is staying with OW now. We will be going to court for visitation soon and I can NOT afford a lawyer at all-- I doubt he can either unless OW pays.

I tried calling legal aid for advice on how to prepare for this as I want supervised visitation. I live in MN. They said they can't tell me anything until I get a summons for court, but I want to be prepared. Anyone went through this before? Any advice on how I can prepare?


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Shocked  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need to vent some. I heard from xwh after 10 months of NC this am. His work has found out about his drinking and are confronting him today. I just hope he accepts their offer of help. I'm not sure what they are offering but it probably is rehab or lose your job. I spoke to my IC today and her advice was to pray for him (which I already do) and vent to a friend (which I left a vm for)...The things that happen in life. I just hope this really wakes him up because his continued drinking is only progressive and downhill. Thanks for letting me vent


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
keepswimming
♀ Member
Member # 26007
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my h was a "recovering addict" when we met, sober for 10 years, now after a massive relapse (x2, long story) i don't think i can ever trust him again. too many lies over too many years. it makes me sick. but i still love him, i want to be with him, but i don't think i should be. i could use some strength getting through this - being reminded that just because we love each other doesn't mean we have to be together. if i can't trust him, what kind of a marriage does that make? he's in rehab now, i have some time to get myself together. i've been packing all his things because a) i can't stand looking at them and b) i'm scared that when he gets out i'm going to be so overwhelmed i won't be able to do what needs to be done. i have to stop thinking with my heart alone, and use my head on this one. problem is my head is having a hard time focusing with all the screaming my heart is doing. help?


Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. -- Carl Bard

I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked. --Sophia, The Golden Girls


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Oct 2009
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

keepswimming

Have you tried Alanon meetings? I think that is the ONE thing (this website being second thing) to help me get through the cheating.


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy. Sounds like there are some of us in greater degrees of crisis and distress.

keepswimming, has he been through a rehab before to get his sober time? Or is this new?

I know I just have a really hard time believing my FWH is committed to being sober for any length of time. He does have more than 6 months, and I know that relapse is common, and almost even seemingly expected by some int he recovery community.

I don't have any advice for you, just a reminder that you don't have to make any decisions for the long term right now. You can even let him come back after rehab (not that I think you SHOULD if you don't want to) and just see it as a temporary trial situation.

Why-I wish addicts knew how they torment the rest of us with their denial and ridiculous choices, even after we've cut ties and detached. I think if they could feel the pain they cause it might wake them up to something besides their own self-centered selves.

Melissa-are you okay? How did court go? Thinking of you.

sickened-so true. the lying part is absolutely the worst of it all IMO. It's the same with the drugs and the A, the lying is the part I truly struggle with. Anyone can make retarded decisions, but what sickness makes them lie and lie and lie?

sully, I'm sure you know alcoholics NEVER think they're alcoholics. Or the ones I've dealt with can admit it when they're drunk, but not sober. (I need a laughing/crying simultaneously emoticon here. Where's the face for "irony?"


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well he wont sign the birth certificate and since we weren't married for child support to go through we have do to a DNA test. he wont sign it because he knows it's child support next..

I have my DNA test Friday his is at the end of the month.

I asked him to sit with me and write a visitation schedule but he refused, so I went ahead and did it on my own..OW got him to learn how to use email and he refuses to call me anymore because I don't accept block calls anymore.

Court for visitatoin isn't set up yet. I talked to someone a couple weeks ago after the paternity test; the court will ask about visitation and if I say I want supervised I guess it goes to an actual family court.

The first email I sent him I told him (probably shouldn't have) a few things I have for evidence and I told him I pray daily that he doesn't get my son unsupervised until he can help himself. If he can't take care of himself how is he going to take care of my son?

So who knows what's going to happen next....Im just living in today. Today I know my little boy is safe asleep in bed at my house!


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Melissa, I'm so sorry!

I don't think it's wrong to let him know you have evidence he can't be a responsible parent. If he's willing to lose contact with his child, you know that the addiction is definitely his priority right now.

It sucks, but you're right that your DS is better off with just you for now.

Do you have support around you? Friends and family you can talk to? Keep posting. This thread's not always very active but I try to check it. Keep posting!


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friends and family aren't much of support. I go to alanon though that helps A LOT!!

As of now he hasn't lost contact. I do let him come see our son. Ive told him a few times to quit coming till we go to court because im tired of his lies, manipulation, blame game, playing the victim...

But i always let him come back to see our son. My son loves him and I know he loves my son.

Before I moved out he told me if I did he would make it hard on me as he possibly could. I made a big deal about it at first with him not buying diapers, food or what not for my son. But now I just don't say anything. Don't ask for anything of him.


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
cowboytakemeaway
Member
Member # 3486
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Melissa,
I've been through the custody thing and TRUST me when I say that you need to count on YOU and only you! Not that this guy won't man up, but the fact is that YOU are the only one that you KNOW will take care of YOU. My 16 year old told me the other day that he's known for a LONG time that I was the one that took care of him, that I was the one that really raised him etc. His dad and I had shared custody and although he made TONS more that I did, I never saw a dime from him and still don't now that my son lives with me full time. I never asked and I never will, but that's just my gig. I do know that the only person, Like I said, to take care of us 100% is me and I go to bed at night petrified sometimes about making the bills, but DAMN it feels good when I do. And when I see DS's dad, I smile and smile and smile becasue I KNOW THE TRUTH.


Come Monday, it'll be all right...

Posts: 424 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Pennsylvania
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the reply cowboytakemeaway

He doesn't make shit. Im doing alright bills are getting paid. i worry sometimes but we are making it just fine!

I could care less about his child support, but I get health care through the state right now so you HAVE to file child support and the state pretty much pays for it all and does the work..

Im learning in Alanon and since this is the FIRST time in my life I have lived alone! that I need to take care of myself and trust myself. Im working on it each day. it's hard sometimes, but quite possible!


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
keepswimming
♀ Member
Member # 26007
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just had to share a thought that i've come to accept lately ... i'm not good for him either. i was so blinded by my love for him that i enabled him without realizing it. and as much as i hate to admit it - i probably would again if he comes back. i love him, i want to believe the best in him, but the bottom line is i can't trust the leash he keeps this monster on. so because i really love him, i am going to maintain a separation, because i love him, and because i love myself. it feels like i'm being cruel right back to him, but i can hope that someday he'll understand that i did this for him as much as for myself.


Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. -- Carl Bard

I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked. --Sophia, The Golden Girls


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Oct 2009
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm getting so tired of this (read last couple posts above)..

He emailed me today (well im certain it was OW)..but anyways suppsobily can't come now the days I scheduled for visitation because he is now scheduled to work fri mornings and sunday afternoons. But it's quite FUNNY his damn job is closed sundays. And fri the time is early enough to where he can still go to work on time..that's if he choses to stay the whole 3 hrs i have scheduled but he always leaves after an hour..

I just think OW has something to do with this. i don't even care. But he wouldn't sit and write times with me, so I did it after waiting 2 weeks and NOW 2 wks after it's started he wants it changed.

Well you know what that's toooo damn bad. I told him I know he is lying he can come fri and sundays or not at all im DONE playing these damn games. Im not going to fit it around his convenience i have completely done this since i Left in May let him come whenever he wanted stay as long as he wanted...

Im done, Im done. Im tired of his shit. Right about now he should be damn lucky im letting him see my son with out a court order.

Just needed to vent thanks for listening :)


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, November 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Melissa,
Good for you for standing firm!

As hard as it must be on your son, it's so important to maintain your boundaries.

Especially because you know HE isn't going to!

Keep it up, I'm rooting for you!


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
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