Have you gone to AlAnon for you, seen an IC, read a bunch about alcoholism, codependency, etc.?
Him driving drunk with stepson in the car makes it real serious to me.
You can sit down and talk with him while he is sober and tell him you are very worried and unhappy and you want him to get help. But have you done this already? And what has the response been?
The problem is YOU can't fix it cause it's HIS problem, hun. All you can do is some good hard thinking about how long you want to bear witness to a progressive disease that only gets worse if the person doesn't get help.
Maybe if you tell him how you feel he will want to get help. It just doesn't usually work that way.
They call it "hitting bottom" for a reason.
My H was in uber denial and claimed there wasn't a problem, he could maintain, he could be in control of it, etc. until he finally got a DUI. I was happy cause I had cold hard facts that couldn't be argued with. He agreed to get sober, but lied about it for 2 years.
It took another DUi which he tried desperately to hide from me until he was forced to come clean. Right before he told the truth, I was ready to kick him out because he was just acting so distant and strange; all I knew was we weren't happy and I was tired of waiting and hoping.
When I found out about DUI #2, I kicked him out and told him if he wanted to live with me he'd have to go to rehab. For the first time he believed that I was serious. And I was, serious as a triple heart attack.
He had detox for a week, then rehab for almost 6 months before he moved home. He's very consistent about meetings, has a sponsor, is working steps now for the first time in his life at nearly 50.
In the middle of all this the A stuff came up; it had been over for a while, but it didn't make anything easier that's for sure.
I know if I hadn't kicked him out he would still be drinking, so that's why I'm advocating a hard stance.
Of course you don't want him to go, but how do you want to live? You have to be strong because he is the addict. Hardly anyone stops on their own; it's a very powerful compulsion.
Feel free to PM me if you have any specific questions. Inform yourself and be clear before you set any boundaries because you have to be prepared to follow through.
He's been working on Step 7 (I think?) and has all these papers and folders of AA stuff. I'm not proud of it, but I looked in the folder to see what he has been writing. The first thing on his list of "people I have harmed" was wife-affair-6 months. I was in total shock. I felt like I was going to die!
I confronted him that night and he said they only had sex twice. (Which there is no way I believe!) I said "What the hell did you do for the rest of the 6 months?" and he said something like "She listened to me and paid attention to me and laughed at my jokes." WTF! It's hard for me to be in the mood for jokes when I'm doing EVERYTHING around the house because you are either working, napping or at an AA meeting. I think the EA is almost worse than the PA.
I'm so fucking pissed! First I put up with years of the alcoholic bullshit. Then I put up with 1-1/2 years of recovery. (Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled he's sober, but he's in a hard-core group and goes to meetings every night. Almost EVERY NIGHT for 1-1/2 years. We have 3 kids and being a married/single parent sucks.)
Now this?!? I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. He does all this stuff and I'm the one who just has to pay and pay and pay. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. We haven't even had a chance to talk about the A since that first night because by the time he gets home from his meetings I am asleep or the kids are around. I just wish it would all go away.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
You can't make anyone realize they have an alcohol problem, unfortunately. SUCKS!
You can say- You agreed not to drink, and you are drinking. That tells me you have a problem. "Getting drink" is obviously a very subjective thing. Definitely rat him out to the counselor!
When he gets back, set whatever boundaries make sense to you that you can enforce: If you come home drunk, the kids and I will go somewhere else. If you choose to drink, I will not let you in the house. Or whatever makes sense for you.
Definitely have the talk about treatment/ support/help to get sober.
Your H needs a reality check! He's got to balance being a father and a husband with being an addict. That is totally unfair for him to go to meetings every single night while you parent alone.
Tell him this, and make sure he shares it with his sponsor. If he has a good one, his sponsor will surely recognize the truth.
Yes, sobriety is of primo importance. But after 1 1/2 years of this, his ride on the pink cloud of recovery is over. he now needs to carry the messages and teachings into his real life.
I would say: YOu now get three meetings a week. The other four evenings I expect you to be here, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, bathing, etc. And one of those nights HAS to be YOUR night off! To go get coffee with a friend, hit the gym, go to the park and read, whatever!
Too often addicts continue to use us super-capable spouses to stay children. Your H needs to man up now, and re-join real life and be a partner in your marriage!
Than add on top that you just found out about his A. I'm so sorry. I'm sure he will say that the alcohol had something to do with it. My H does. I sort of believe it but not all the way.
What IS true is it has NOTHING to do with YOU, it's all on him. Good luck and keep posting.
He told his OW I said he drank too much and it was having an affect on his body (it was and is). Of course she said I was cruel and she and her health store owner friend, put him on suppliments. BTW, they keep up with each other (drinking). Or did. Or are. Or whatever.
(shaking the head).
I tried calling legal aid for advice on how to prepare for this as I want supervised visitation. I live in MN. They said they can't tell me anything until I get a summons for court, but I want to be prepared. Anyone went through this before? Any advice on how I can prepare?
I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked. --Sophia, The Golden Girls
Have you tried Alanon meetings? I think that is the ONE thing (this website being second thing) to help me get through the cheating.
keepswimming, has he been through a rehab before to get his sober time? Or is this new?
I know I just have a really hard time believing my FWH is committed to being sober for any length of time. He does have more than 6 months, and I know that relapse is common, and almost even seemingly expected by some int he recovery community.
I don't have any advice for you, just a reminder that you don't have to make any decisions for the long term right now. You can even let him come back after rehab (not that I think you SHOULD if you don't want to) and just see it as a temporary trial situation.
Why-I wish addicts knew how they torment the rest of us with their denial and ridiculous choices, even after we've cut ties and detached. I think if they could feel the pain they cause it might wake them up to something besides their own self-centered selves.
Melissa-are you okay? How did court go? Thinking of you.
sickened-so true. the lying part is absolutely the worst of it all IMO. It's the same with the drugs and the A, the lying is the part I truly struggle with. Anyone can make retarded decisions, but what sickness makes them lie and lie and lie?
sully, I'm sure you know alcoholics NEVER think they're alcoholics. Or the ones I've dealt with can admit it when they're drunk, but not sober. (I need a laughing/crying simultaneously emoticon here. Where's the face for "irony?"
I have my DNA test Friday his is at the end of the month.
I asked him to sit with me and write a visitation schedule but he refused, so I went ahead and did it on my own..OW got him to learn how to use email and he refuses to call me anymore because I don't accept block calls anymore.
Court for visitatoin isn't set up yet. I talked to someone a couple weeks ago after the paternity test; the court will ask about visitation and if I say I want supervised I guess it goes to an actual family court.
The first email I sent him I told him (probably shouldn't have) a few things I have for evidence and I told him I pray daily that he doesn't get my son unsupervised until he can help himself. If he can't take care of himself how is he going to take care of my son?
So who knows what's going to happen next....Im just living in today. Today I know my little boy is safe asleep in bed at my house!
I don't think it's wrong to let him know you have evidence he can't be a responsible parent. If he's willing to lose contact with his child, you know that the addiction is definitely his priority right now.
It sucks, but you're right that your DS is better off with just you for now.
Do you have support around you? Friends and family you can talk to? Keep posting. This thread's not always very active but I try to check it. Keep posting!
As of now he hasn't lost contact. I do let him come see our son. Ive told him a few times to quit coming till we go to court because im tired of his lies, manipulation, blame game, playing the victim...
But i always let him come back to see our son. My son loves him and I know he loves my son.
Before I moved out he told me if I did he would make it hard on me as he possibly could. I made a big deal about it at first with him not buying diapers, food or what not for my son. But now I just don't say anything. Don't ask for anything of him.
He doesn't make shit. Im doing alright bills are getting paid. i worry sometimes but we are making it just fine!
I could care less about his child support, but I get health care through the state right now so you HAVE to file child support and the state pretty much pays for it all and does the work..
Im learning in Alanon and since this is the FIRST time in my life I have lived alone! that I need to take care of myself and trust myself. Im working on it each day. it's hard sometimes, but quite possible!
He emailed me today (well im certain it was OW)..but anyways suppsobily can't come now the days I scheduled for visitation because he is now scheduled to work fri mornings and sunday afternoons. But it's quite FUNNY his damn job is closed sundays. And fri the time is early enough to where he can still go to work on time..that's if he choses to stay the whole 3 hrs i have scheduled but he always leaves after an hour..
I just think OW has something to do with this. i don't even care. But he wouldn't sit and write times with me, so I did it after waiting 2 weeks and NOW 2 wks after it's started he wants it changed.
Well you know what that's toooo damn bad. I told him I know he is lying he can come fri and sundays or not at all im DONE playing these damn games. Im not going to fit it around his convenience i have completely done this since i Left in May let him come whenever he wanted stay as long as he wanted...
Im done, Im done. Im tired of his shit. Right about now he should be damn lucky im letting him see my son with out a court order.
Just needed to vent thanks for listening :)
As hard as it must be on your son, it's so important to maintain your boundaries.
Especially because you know HE isn't going to!
Keep it up, I'm rooting for you!