The Monster most likely has been dry for about 6 weeks, but most likely far from sober.
I've washed my hands of it, I simply had to.
I haven't been to AlAnon in months, but I need to get back once the first circus is over.
Finally understanding that I cannot do a damned thing about anyone's happiness but my own was the greatest gift I've even given myself.
All of us need to find the peace and comfort that simply fact gives.
If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW
At that time I told him he was no longer going to live with me, if he wanted to come back he needed to go to rehab. He went to detox for a week, entered residential treatment.
Then a friend of his informed about his infidelity in late April 09. FWH was still in rehab, we had said maybe 6 months at least because of the length of time he's been abusing.
It has been tough to process stuff with him 30 miles away, unable to spend the night. (I haven't felt like any HB was forthcoming, but it wouldn't have been very easy!)
So I am looking forward to him returning in September but I'm also nervous. We've been MC, both have IC, he seems to be growing and getting to know himself.
I know there are no guarantees, I know he can't even make any promises.(About staying sober, I mean, but as I type this I realize no one can make any promises about being faithful either. He did make those promises, then broke them.)Or rather, he could but they wouldn't mean anything. It boils down to, we have no control over other people's behaviour.
I'm looking up F2F AlAnon because I haven't been really thrilled with the online ones.
I have issues with this, even though intellectually I can see that it might be beneficial, but emotionally I do resent having to engage in another activity that is based on me healing from his shitty decision making.
I know, I know, it won't be about him, it's about me taking care of myself, being clear on my own shit, not manipulating and controlling, blah blah blah.
It just seems like a lot. Addiction and infidelity all at the same time.
On the one hand, I'm proud of the work he's done so far. He seems a lot clearer, more focused.
On the other hand, the whole kit'n'caboodle seems a little overwhelming sometimes, and it also appears to demand quite a bit of work from me when I feel like I've ALREADY done a lot of work.
Does anyone have advice for us in making both sobriety and marriage the top priority? The whole 12 step deal is, sobriety first. And I get that. But I sure as hell don't want to come second, that's how we got into this mess!
If you read this far, thanks for listening to an unfocused blithering!
In my case we separated for quite a while. I knew that I had to see soberity in him for a long time before I would commit to R or anything with him.
It took a good year of sober living before that alcoholics thinking started to really change. Many things were worked on during that time, but my husband for a long time didn't want to be an alcoholic. He went back to drinking for 4 months after he got out of rehab and I kicked him out.
Finally, he quit for good. He has been sober about 3 and a half years now.
I had to change my thinking and change how I functioned. I am pretty stubborn and calling me an enabler pissed me off. STill, in the end, I did enable him although I had no idea about the extent of his drinking at all.
I needed to be a whole person before I could R with my husband. It wasn't enough that he fixed himself, I had to work on changing how I dealt with him and how I responded to things within our marriage.
I didn't go to AlAnon, although I know it has helped many people. The recovery from alcoholism is a long road and recovering from infidelity is also long.
I have to say it, it does take work from both of you and it will take some time to get to know this sober man. I think you might be surprised how much the alcohol was effecting his thinking without you even realizing it.
I resented having to deal with his crap too. Why should I? In the end my husband made enough changes within himself that I gave it a go and we have reconciled now fully.
Take small steps. This takes tie and you can get to know this new sober person and decide then what you want or need to do.
Read up on alcoholism. Inform yourself.
Take good care of yourself and build your strength up within yourself cautiousoptimist.
I'll post my current situation.
FWH is currently almost 8 months sober. I use that term loosely. He is not in recovery. He has not accepted EVER that he is an alcoholic or ever has had an issue with alcohol necessarily. He gave up alcohol as a condition to come home after he was thrown out on dday. (he told me he had sex when he was drunk. That's all I needed to hear)
He is an alcoholic in my opinion and from all I've read and seen, it doesn't take much in this day an age to be an alcoholic. Jeez, how could you not be one? We're all practically exposed from birth...the marketing is amazing.
Anyways...I've been in al-anon since Feb/March and have liked it and resented it at the same time. I do however realize it has helped me let a LOT of my resentments go AND a lot of my controling and enabling behavior.
The changes in me haven't happened immediately, but slowly with the aid of al-anon, counseling, retrouvaille, and some self help books. I'm in a good place now. What I've realized is there is VERY little I can do if my WH drinks again. I can't tell you I'm not scared to death if he will or won't, but there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I have to believe he won't make that choice, but it's that old waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can say he hasn't gotten to a strong point where he has faced his own issues with alcohol, so I think he will cave.
Actually, technically speaking, he already has, because he drank o'doules, which I personally consider alcohol. That's a whole other debate. When I gave my feelings over to him and told him how I felt anxious about it, he then stopped and started drinking it and hiding it. That was the first sign to me that bad behavior was going to come.
I'm in a tough spot. Other than the alcohol, our marriage recovery has been amazing. He has made me feel very safe. The alcohol does NOT make me feel safe. I feel axious because he makes bad decisions when he drinks. Does that mean he'll cheat again? I have no idea. Maybe ... maybe not, but I want to live my life and not in the "what if" moments.
If the day comes, then I will decide, but for now, things are great.
He said tonight, he is having difficulty. He feels it's a control issue. He realizes he has the control, but thinks *I'm* controlling him. It doesn't help that his addictions counselor has almost agreed with him, that my BOUNDARY on him drinking, means I'm controlling him. Anyways, this is where we are at a disagreement.
I'm having a hard time talking about it because I don't want to even remotely LOOK controlling, so it's a difficult time. If he has issues with the alcohol, I ask him to talk to his addictions counselor.
I go to al-anon and we avoid talking about it.
Tonight he did say he didn't miss it, but then did say he feels like a freak, because he can't go out and have a beer, so he is having a difficult time. I have to LET HIM GO. It's not my decision to help him. He has to find his own way.
Thanks for letting me share.
Thanks for sharing!
WH is a full-blown alcoholic who is in the stage where he has to drink first thing in the morning, throughout the day and when he gets home. It has taken over his brain, he does not have the capability to think clearly anymore. He has no memory, he repeats himself, he continues his relationship with OW (another addiction that he can't seem to want to give up). He is now scared for his life. Our MC has told him that he WILL DIE if he continues on this path.
She also told him that there is nothing she can do for us if he isn't sober.
I'm so glad she said that. I have now quit banging my head on the wall, thinking that I could possibly R with this man that I no longer know and who does not know himself.
WH is scheduled for an alcohol assessment on 8/13 and has asked me more than once to go with him. I finally agreed because I know that he's scared. I am also going with because even though we don't have a marriage right now, I am choosing to treat him like I would a best friend who is in trouble.
I have finally turned the page in my life for me. I've made many attempts this past year to work on myself and heal myself, but I always let the anger of the A and the alcoholism get in my way.
I have chosen to accept what is, and try my hardest every day to do what my heart tells me to do, not only for me, but for my sick WH.
I know there is no promise of our marriage ever getting back on track, but I'm OK with that. I will take this one day at a time, see what happens with the assessment and I'm certain, rehab, and if WH decides to get and stay sober, then we might, MIGHT have a chance.
Either way, I am in a much better place now. After I really accepted the reality of things, pulled myself out of the fantasy land that I'd been in and truly realized that the alcohol had taken over WHs brain and ability to think,it has changed how I view his infidelity, our marriage and the direction I want to take for my life.
I have also stopped drinking wine. I had abused it over the last year to not feel all the pain. I let it escalate to an unhealthy scale. I had to stop. I am making decisions about the rest of my life and I'm choosing to do it without the crutch of wine. I feel good about that.
I know that none of this will be easy. I know that I will have many bad days where I will feel the sadness, loss and anger. But I'm ready. I'm ready to take all of this past year's heartbreaks and deal with them. I am ready to come out on the other side the woman I know I am and want to be.
Thanks to all who have posted in this thread. I have read it all. You are all an inspiration and the honesty is so needed.
MOLT- are you hanging in there?
I am not so well today.
FWH is staying sober and we're both doing IC and MC.
But when he came home from rehab, I expected-I don't know-SOMETHING.
He says he doesn't have any feelings, he can't access them. He brought it up in IC and the therapist didn't respond (?)
If he says one critical thing to me, I freak out, get mad, collapse in tears. This is so NOT ME.
Then, when I tell him he needs to treat me like a treasure, like something precious, he claims that he is, and confusedly tells me the list of things that he did to make my life easier or better that day.
I can't argue, he did do those things. It's just not enough! And then I wonder if anything will ever be enough?
I said, if I could just feel that you had some PASSION behind wanting to make things right with me.
He says, I don't have any passion for anything right now.
I remind him, Okay, but you can ACT LIKE IT, right? I beg him to tell me what is in his heart, then I'm furious with myself for begging for anything.
He says people in the program have told him that your feelings will come back,in time.
That's our favorite word, right?
I don't mean to rant here. I'm just looking for some info- a definition of alcohol addiction.
His father was an alcoholic, drank a 5th of wild turkey every two days!
"People will show you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be." -Don Draper.
Have you googled some AA stuff? They have a good questionnaire. I am not the hugest fan of AA,but it's working for my FWH so that's fine.
Basically, if you have told him you have a problem with it and he won't stop, he's an alcoholic. If it affects him physically and he denies it, he's an alcoholic. If you have ever bargained with him or tried to control his drinking, he's an alcoholic and then you have to look at your own codependency too.
Many many alcoholics have affairs. No excuse, but that's just the lay of the land. I hope he decides to get help.
Read through some of the other pages on this thread.
When we know that the addiction is so far gone that we cannot live with the alcoholic and have peace, it is time to stop romancing the past.
That just leads us to living in illusion.
Romancing the past that can never again be good because the disease has led him way past where he can be decent in a relationship with us...it just leads us to despair and an un-necessary time of longing.
Yes, grief-work is necessary.
But it does not have to be as long...as anguishing...when we try to take the edge off it by reminding ourselves of what he was like in the last period of time of the relationship.
That time---that last period of time---is the best that it would be if we returned to the still-addicted person.
Because the disease is progressive...it gets worse.
For many of us who are romantics, it is tempting to up-grade the good times in our heads. To tell ourselves---and to try to believe---that the good times were deeper and longer than they were.
Because of our love of romanticism, we are often tempted to linger, looking at the relationship with a roses and violins background...when it was in reality only a few minutes of closeness surrounded by hours of drinking.
It is more fun to romanticize the past...it is tempting...but it makes our recovery time longer.
Be willing to let go of the romanticism...at least in terms of the relationship that can no longer go anywhere.
H has been sober ten months after hiding a drinking problem that progressed for 12 yrs. Right after getting sober admitted to a drunken 4 night stand???) while out of the country on business and major drinking binge.
It took three months before I stopped crying my f%^^ eyes out every single day.
I spent the next few waiting for something, anything. Nothing came. (Also faced the reality that years of porn behind my back had turned him into a sex addict. (Lovely)
So of course I have been hurting alot but gaining strength and support during all this time.
My H just seems like an empty vessel. Not exhibiting any of the behaviours CONSISTENTLY AT ALL to make me feel safe, heal the relationship, kept stepping over my boundaries...
So I am moving out. If he does the work maybe I will reconsider a life with him. But as I told him,"There will be no rebuilding if the lies and secrets don't stop."
Anyway, thanks for listening. I am curious if anyone else had this same type of empty experience. Addict counselor says they won't start feeling until 1 year sober.
I read so much about people who stick it out but not too many seem to leave. Any feedback would be appreciated.
I'm so sorry your H doesn't seem to be able to do what's necessary for R.
A few posts back, I wrote also about my FWH's lack of feelings and emotions. Today he has 6 months clean.
He noticed a few months ago that he wasn't experiencing feelings.
This was definitely different, as he had been an uber-emotional person; a very maudlin drunk, easily frustrated, hysterically funny, very demonstrative and mushy-all of this is gone at the moment.
You can imagine that it hasn't been exactly reassuring for ME as I have obviously been asking for lots of extra demonstrations of affection, love, etc. and he sometimes seems kind of robotical. Very calm and centered, which is new, and not unwelcome, but very detached from his emotions.
He brought this up in IC and is working on FOO issues so he can then work on developing intimacy and closeness with me.
It seemed weird to him, not just me, he misses his feelings. People in AA and his C have told him that yes, with time they will come back.
I have been longing for that sobbing, dramatic apology since April 30th. He's shed a tear for 1.) his dead wife (she OD'd a few years before I met him) and 2.) how he never really had closeness with his parents. Yeah, I haven't gotten any of those saline drops of gold yet.
What is your H still lying and keeping secrets about? Is it porn? If so, he needs to see a CSAT.
Has he been going to counseling? Have you? I
Also, is he really in recovery or did he simply stop drinking? If he's in recovery, chances are good that his feelings will re-emerge. If he's a "dry drunk," he could be frozen there forever because he's not addressing issues.
I don't blame you for taking a stand. I hope your H wakes up and does the admittedly difficult work to heal his brokenness so he can love you right.
The reasons I am sticking it out are: he is actually sober and in recovery for the first time in his life, he insisted the A had nothing to do with me, and he has done many things to help me heal.
We don't have kids, I would be financially fine without him, but I do acknowledge that my issues are my issues and will be the same no matter who I choose to be in a relationship with. So as long as we're both working hard, I'm in.
Keep posting, Tnkerbell, and let us know how you are doing.
It's very tough.
By now I'm sure you realize that one thing about alcoholism is it's progressive. That is, until they get sober it's going to get worse.
The drinking, hands shaking, memory loss will all get worse until or unless your boyfriend gets help and stops.
Good news is, you don't have to live like this. Bad news is, nothing changes if nothing changes. You're going to have to be the one to change cause he isn't going to on his own.
What are you willing to do? Leave? Make rehab and recovery a condition of your staying? Attend AlAnon?
I'm sorry you find yourself here in this situation. There is hope, but it lies within you. Good luck.
It's hard for me to believe we are really the only ones dealing with this situation. Therefore, I'm a gonna give it a bump.
Some of us just got out of town.
I still read here but haven't commented because I left my alkie so I don't have to deal with his problems anymore. My adult DD at one point said she had never seen alcohol in his home since he'd remarried. But just today she visited him, where upon he "yelled at her", and had a beer in hand. I for one never believed he stopped, but new wife probably keeps the bottles in the cabinet instead of out on the counter.
Another good forum for friends and family of alkies is http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/
Remember, you can't control them, only yourself.