I see hope for me in what you said.
If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW
What I didnt say in my story is that when D-day happened my WH hit rock bottom.he was out on his own away from the family.Having to face the reality of life without his children and me,who he has always said is his best friend,was the motivation he needed to change.I now understand that my staying in the relationship was unhealthy for me.It wasnt until I took a stand that he took a long hard look at his life.He has been sober for 9 months now,and of course it is still hard for me.I am hurt and frightened.I have lots of fears around whether this could happen again,an I wasting my time in R and so on.
What I know now is that I have set boundaries for our relationship,they are:
*No going out after work with anyone except me
*No travelling OS without me
*I walk if he doesnt go to AA
*I walk if he doesnt stay in IC and MC
*No lying,complete transparency
If any of these boundaries are broken,Its over.
He is a different man though,content and happy.Proud of what he is doing to turn his life around.He is calmer and coping with stress at work so much better.He loves being at home and just pottering in the garden and going for long walks together.
We now plan weekends away,trips overseas and activities together.Life is so much nicer without the alcohol.
There is hope,but now I understand the role I need to play to look after my needs.
Finally I will look after myself,I will become stronger for myself and do what I want to do. My needs are as important as anyone else's in my home.
Good luck to all of you out there who are facing this demon...please rethink your motives for staying with your alcoholic partner,It may not be the end if you leave!
I do wish my H would accept my conditions, I have.
He has never had a problem with his drinking - no DUI/DWI, never lost a job.
He believes that if I can learn to live with it, we can be happy.
That's sad for him.
My reality is that he admits that he does drink to avoid life, and when it matters he drinks more.
I made it to my second meeting this morning, got the little one set up for counseling, and she wants a "club for kids who live where somebody drinks too much" like U have.
He ended his A, and gave me the words I needed to hear about his drinking, while lying through his teeth.
As much as I want to R, I can't r with a bottle; nor with a sullen child who considers me his keeper.
I have no desire to keep him, monitor him, nor cover for him any longer.
I have someone to care for, and she deserves so much more.
For now, she and I are taking steps to recover; and he's resenting each one.
If he wakes up he can join us.
Here's a hand to hold, I'm at that stand back and watch stage.
I was rushing in and cleaning up - not any longer.
We can't love anyone into being healthy or whole. All we can do is love the person, and reject the choices.
If there were a majik wand, I'd send it along after I used it here
and all of us
How's the weekend treating you?
last week "i promise if i have another drink, i'll keep my check in date on the first"
friday he had another drink. i didn't say anything. today is the first. he hasn't said anything either. he didn't keep his appointment to check in to the treatment center.
i didn't really believe him. but it makes me sad
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
I'd love to call him names and wish bad things on him, but I know better.
I went to Al Anon when I was ready to get help, I got GWADW in counseling when I decided she needed, but adults need to make there own choices.
Take it one day at a time, live in the now.
Have you a hand to hold? Im here.
It's part of the cycle - somehow CPS becomes aware of GWADW being upset by Daddy's drinking, and he goes on the wagon till the investigation is over.
Not that any other part of the behavior changes, just the absence of drinking.
For me, this is a rough part - it's not that he stopped, got help or got in a program to stay sober - it's like an intermission.
And the moment the county stops looking, he starts up again.
Hope all of us are peaceful
Hope everyone else's weekends are going well...
[This message edited by Why?? at 7:18 AM, December 7th (Sunday)]
He has lost everything because of the drinking. His family, his transportation, his money.
He still doesn't get it. Still doesn't see that its a problem. Still thinks that I was being a nag when I wouldn't let him drink in the home or drive that way. But then again, why should he...? He has OW telling him he is fine.
[This message edited by Why?? at 3:56 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]
i kept up with him b/c i was afraid of losing him. when i finally stopped and found different work, he was still partying. i saw the A before it happened. we were fighting and screaming at each other every night. it was my anger and frustration b/c i knew what was happening, or about to happen. but he just kept on drinking. enter a 2 year A.
fastforward to now: after false R i left. we're now separated long distance and had NC up until about a month ago. he's been in IC and hasn't drank in 46 days. and is also suppoedly in NC w/ OW. he blames alot of his behavior on alcohol. not saying it was the reason the A happened, but if he wasn't so drunk everyday it wouldn't have happened. this is such the short version.
i had spoken with his counselor. she recommended i go to alanon. i found this site instead b/c dealing with the infidelity was more of a prominent issue for me. i didn't think i was codependent. now i wonder. i don't know if WBF is an alcoholic. i know he definately demonstrated alot of that behavior at that time. but he quit drinking so easily. then i wonder where i fit into this? i was right there drinking with him, i was showing the same crazy behavior as a reaction to his. i had never yelled at people like that before! i still drink. i go out with my girlfriends one or maybe two nights a week. i've never acted the way i did with him. and i no longer drink to the point of getting drunk.
it worries me that if i do decide to R, what if he does drink again? can i really give him a condition of no drinking but be a hypocrite and drink myself? or am i just not seeing that i was as bad as he was and i should completely quit too? it seems like a stupid question even as i'm writing it. i do love him, and so much want to repair our relationship. i'm trying to figure out where alcohol fits into our R. i know that if he said he had a problem and was never going to drink again, then i wouldn't drink out of respect for him.
i just don't know. my thoughts are getting too jumbled.
[This message edited by maddy at 12:45 PM, December 15th (Monday)]
[This message edited by Why?? at 3:54 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by Why?? at 3:55 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]
My H never made claims about being gay. Alcoholics are always putting us through bizarre tests, though. I think they are looking for excuses to continue to drink and try to shift the blame elsewhere. On the other hand, it may be the only way he feels comfortable talking about such an issue. However, neither of us are qualified to address such an issue. Your X needs professional help.
The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself and continue to seek support from AlAnon.
I did recently find myself in a situation that was equally frustrating. After much meditation on the issue, I realized that what ever path I chose to address the issue, it would have to be one that helped me feel good about myself. Perhaps you could refuse to participate in such exchanges with your X. Perhaps you could offer to get some professional referals for him? Whatever you decide to do, it has to be something YOU are comfortable with. How your X responds is irrelivant.
"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."