what is your H like when he's NOT drinking ? What is he like when he IS drinking?
My EX drank every day. During the week he would wait until late in the afternoon to start (unless he had wine/beer at lunch). When he wasn't drinking he was working. Working at his job or working around the house or planning for other work.
On the weekend, or days when he was home he would have wine or beer at lunch, take a nap, get up an hour or so later drink coffee and work some more until late afternoon, when he would start with the scotch.
I really couldn't tell by looking at him or talking to him if he'd been drinking until he'd had 4 or more drinks. After dday, that's the only time I could get him to talk to me about affair related matters. Then we would usually fight, and they would be really stupid fights.
My EX is a high-functioning alkie. He doesn't think he has a problem, so he'll continue to be an alkie. It's not my problem anymore. (That's my new mantra.)
Our lives ended up being my ex staying up til 3am "cooking" (means drinking), wouldn't come to bed. That's when he was working locally. He's spend 10 hours "cooking" something that half the time we never ate because it sat out all night.
If he worked away from home, he would drink in the bars and impress his underlings with his credit card, like taking the guys to a whorehouse or buying everyone dinner & drinks. He couldn't spend $ fast enough it seemed -he was obviously drinking a lot.
Nevertheless, he would go to work everyday - but once I heard his crew talking about him coming into work smelling like booze so my ex isn't fooling anyone.
I had to move on - we're separated and we still talk on the phone sometimes, but we won't be getting back together. I could never go back to all his lying, spending, moodiness or emotional abuse (ignoring me for days) or the wierd almost non-sexual relationship that we ended up in.
I wished the alcohol wasn't a factor - I don't know if we would have been able to work on reconciling anything between us if he wasn't drinking, but the alcohol sure made it impossible.
I think for me my H's drinking (dealing with it) was /is far worse than the A itself ....the A got put on the back burner because *I* thought that addressing the drinking was/is more important.
The A is one thing ...and if he ever had another one , that would be IT, he's gone....
The drinking is another thing ....if he doesn't stop I cannot see myself staying married to him ....if he wants to self destruct , he will have to do it on his own.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Mine would feel lousy almost all the time, yet would always deny it had anything to do with how much he drank! He blamed his ills on high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, high cholesterol...all of which he had but was probably all caused greatly in part by his drinking.
I was always afraid he was going to get sick and end up disabled because of his drinking. It was kind of funny, he thought he was having a heart attack shortly after we separated. His insurance is so good the Dr's just had to check it all out real good so he ended up having an angiogram to see if he needed "open heart surgery"....yes, he was convinced that was probably what was going to have to be. Poor him. What he had was an anxiety attack, but don't ever tell him that's what it was - it was his heart. Funny how he had a "heart problem" 3 months ago, but now it's okay...well the drinking hasn't stopped so it's just a matter of time before he ends up really sick.
None of it made any sense to me. Between the self-abuse to his body and his lousy moods, low energy (except of course when he was around anyone but me) and poor me attitude that became 24/7, sticking around to see him slowly kill himself just wasn't what I wanted for my life.....how selfish of me!
Thanks for posting that link ....do you think you can post the whole thing ...or ( don't know if it's possible) a Mod could make that post the "lead post" like it was in the old thread ...it was a very appropriate start for the thread ...I have read it over and over in the past.
Scorned-what is your S like drunk?
He is the stumbling loud mouth in the bar that is either everyone's best buddy or ready to fight. He is loud, beligerant, rude, controlling...just to name a few. His alcohlism is the number one cause for most of our problems--including the A.
I don't like being a part of this club, but the truth is I am married to an alcoholic
When he's not drinking and he's due for a swig , he gets nasty... snaps over little things .... moody .... walking on eggshell time.
He is killing himself with the booze .... when he self destructs he goes alone ....if he won't quit, I REFUSE to go with him...
It's a damn shame ....a 'deep down" good man ....engulfed by the disease.
Alcoholism is a scary, lonely place when you are married to it. We dealt with his A (sort of dealt with it) while he was still drinking, but dealt with mine after he had been sober for a while. For us, sobriety had to come first. Without that, there was nothing left for us. He had to get his mind clear and right before he/we could even think about working on us.
Sobriety has led us to deal with so many things we didn't over the years. Things that were pushed aside or "excused" because of drinking. That's scary, too, but so worth it in the end.
Renewed our vows 7/30
He got a DUI 16 years ago. He refused to admit that he was pulled over because he was drunk. He swore he swerved just a tiny bit because he was holding a drink (ice tea this time) and trying to change gears at the same time.
Even so he swore to never drink and drive again. Then I caught him guzzling a couple of beers before getting behind the wheel. He claimed that since he wasn't drinking "while" driving that he was still honoring his commitment to me and to himself.
I wasn't convinced, of course, and we fought about it a lot. Then he started hiding the amount he drank. If I asked how many beers he'd had before getting home from work his answer was always, "Just a couple". When pressed for a more accurate count he'd just get angry.
Shortly before his affair became known our younger daughter wrote him a letter begging him to please quit drinking. I thought, because of his devotion to her, that it might have some effect on him. It didn't.
I believe that he entered into his affair at least in part because the OW is both a drinker and a pot smoker. She did these things with him and accepted his drinking and smoking without question.
Since he's been living with her I've heard throug his friends and co-workers that he's drinking and smoking more than ever, including at work, and that he looks terrible. The last two times I saw him he wouldn't look me in the eyes and he walked as though the weight of the world was on his shoulders.
So much for his affair making him happy. So far it's cost him his wife, his home, his children, his grandchild and nearly all his friends.
Still, in his mind, he's living with "the only woman he's ever loved" and I'm just the bitch who tried to control him.
[This message edited by mer1ins at 9:44 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)]
Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)
BH/WH - 51
FWW/BW - 54
Is he moody, short tempered when he's not drinking or when he is drinking?
Is your H a falling down drunk or would you be hard pressed to even notice he had just downed a bottle ?
I know alcoholics come in all shapes/sizes .....
WH is usually quite nice sober. He can also be quite nice after he has had a few drinks. The a-hole drunk used to come out when things were not good here in the first place. (the typical vicious cyle-i was a bitch cuz he drank, he drank cuz I was a bitch)
his cyber affair brought many things to a head, in a good way, i think. My WH hubby is a high functioning alcoholic. Last week he quit cold turkey, to prove to both of us he could do it. It was not pretty, all the classic withdrawal symptoms. We had a frank discussion about his drinking, he needs it, not ready to give it up, perhaps never. BUT, he is trying exremely hard (and so far is suceeding) in not getting drunk. I can deal with this. Not being an alcoholic myself, it is hard for me to understand the absolute NEED to have a drink, but I am trying to be understanding. As long as he keeps his end of the bargain, and does not get DRUNK, I think we can get thru it. His drinking caused MANY fights in the past. Well, not entirely true. Things that would have been just your run of the mill disagreement BECAME ugly fights cuz he was drunk. I also believe his OEM is partly die to his drinking. He would get hammered, throw himself a pity party, and found someone who didn't have to live with his drunk ass to stroke his ego. well, if he hadn't of been drunk all the time, that person COULD have been me!! and thank God, he finally realized that. I am sure we will cross the drunk road again....he told me it may happen. I said fine, but I reserve the right to go back into bitch mode. Things have been so much better here, he is not showing signs of depression (which always lead to a bender). So, with out being a door mat (which i REFUSE to do) I have been trying to keep my end of our bargain, which is to be a better wife, give him more of my time, etc. (that had been his biggest complaint, one of many things that contributed to his affair. To be fair to him, he DID try and tell me this over and over, before the OEA started, and i just poo pooed his feelings)
Well, I totally got off on a tangent! sorry about that!!
But it makes sense that he would choose an enabler over someone who stopped filling that role. If he is not ready to deal with or admit that he is an alcoholic, he will choose the easier path. That's part of being an alcoholic; the path of least resistance.
My FWH is not mean when he drinks. He's happy, outgoing and fun. Not sure what he is like sober. He drinks every day. Only people he works with know what he's like sober.
Pennola - I can not blame the drinking for the A. I also thought about it - he doesn't drink at work and that is where and when most of the A happened. He was at her house after work - before he drank. He was in her bed on a Sat. morning - before he drank. But I did notice at that time he was drink A LOT more. I did not know about the A then.
This has been an issue in our relationship for 22 years. I would have a "fit" every once in a while. We would fight, then things would go back to the way they were.
This thread has made me realize a few things. ONE - I need to stop drinking. I very rarely drank but since D-day it's been almost daily. I guess I'm trying to kill the pain. TWO - I need to talk with FWH about his drinking again. But I'm afraid - will this just push him back into her arms? I'm the controlling, complaining b***ch again?
Right now he loves it - we're "drinking buddies".
Damn it - I don't want to ride this ride anymore.
Answer - There is never an excuse for adultry or other bad behavior. However, that being said, an addict will fuel their addiction and will associate with those who enable them.
Another truth....They do not have to get better! They can and do, spiral down and down. Each time you think they have reached a bottom, they surprise you and go a little lower. Sometimes the bottom is death, and if you are not careful...you can die a little too! Sometimes you have to let the drowning man drown.
Set your boundaries. Let go and live again. Swim back to shore!!
His family put the intervention on tape.
In what appears to be a cry for help, ET has obtained exclusive video of DAVID HASSELHOFF in Las Vegas -- where he is currently starring in The Producers -- in which he appears to be intoxicated in heartbreaking footage believed to be taken three months ago by his 16-year-old daughter, TAYLOR.
In the video, Taylor begs her father to stop drinking, saying, "Dad, look what this is doing to you. You have to stop drinking alcohol, promise me you won't drink anymore."
I think it's pretty crappy that a battle like alcoholism gets splashed about as the next celebrity news. Alcoholism is hard enough to fight without having it publicized.