I guess I 'hate to admit' because he cheated on me. He had a LTA, a make-out in public at a bar with a coworker and then had an EA and left me and is now dating her (though I'm getting the distinct impression that it's not going very well and I must say it makes me happy--he told me they aren't having sex because he just 'doesn't want to'). He told me he misses being with me. Sigh.
I know his alcoholism contributed to all of that cheating and lying, I know it, but is it forgivable even if that is so?
I don't know.
If I took him back I think everyone in my life would lose respect for me. My family would be mortified, though I don't care that much because we aren't close in the first place. But I might even lose friends over it--I would hope not, but all of our mutual friends came with me after he left and I fell apart and they are disgusted and shocked at his behavior now that they know the whole story and none of them are interested in being his friend anymore.
I think about this a lot.
But of course, he hasn't stopped drinking entirely yet (if ever). He might have to after his sentencing for the DUI at the end of this month. My hope is that they'll make him quit and he can find that a sober life can be wonderful. Always hope with an alcoholic, isn't it?
He misses me--rattled off a list of everything he misses about me...all the way down to my hair. He said last week, 'It wasn't that I didn't want to be with you, it just wasn't working'.
Well no, it wasn't. It's hard to make it work when one 'partner' is drunk for 11-12 hours of the day.
And now I am sad b/c he's not even drinking every day like he was. At first I was very much in the 'why not with me?' internal dialog but I know the answer to that. He didn't change when he was with me because he didn't have to. I took care of everything and that was my way of enabling. I never made excuses for him or bailed him out or picked him up...but I took care of everything.
Now that he's on his own, HE has to take care of everything and it's a very different world. He CAN'T drink all day every day, he has to have his own money to pay his bills, etc.
It breaks my heart that it took all of this to make him see things more clearly. It breaks my heart when I hear that he does miss me and I think he regrets what he did.
I don't know what to do with this information. I know I should go NC and I have for periods of time (2-3 weeks), but I'm finding it so difficult. I'm 33 and we've been together since I was 21.
Ok, now I'm just rambling. I can't talk to my friends about this. They will think I'm weak and codependent and a doormat if I tell them that in my heart I want him back.
Blah. I'm so glad this place exists. Thanks for listening.
LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08
The cheating on you thing - for me - I don't know what I would do. I've learned to never say never but I'm not sure if I "could" take him back after that b/c will it EVER be the same again? I know for me I could NEVER trust him again (that is the one time I will say never). But honestly, I can't say for sure that I would NOT take him back so I understand your dilemna.
And I too am an enabler. Bigtime. I take care of everything - makes it much easier for him to drink huh?
Do you go to therapy? Maybe that would help?
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this - it's very painful.
Yes, I go to therapy and al-anon, though I've not been going to al-anon frequently since he left. I'm reading the literature which I think is just as helpful for me as meetings are.
My therapist is in al-anon, too, so he is always encouraging me to go. Then I feel guilty when I don't. I'm just so not a joiner. Like I said, I love the literature, but meetings don't really hold much for me anymore.
Of course he thinks I should have no contact with XWS. I feel like a disappointment to everyone b/c I continue to talk to him.
And then this week when we (XWS and I) talked...he cried (sobbed). He said how remorseful he is, that he wishes he could take it all back, that he wishes he had tried, that he wishes he had stayed and that he knows he f*cked it all up and that he was a 'bastard' and completely selfish.
He said he doesn't want to be a drunk anymore, he wants to get stable and...he wants his wife back.
I feel that I should have felt more happy than I did. I mean, it's good to hear. *I* knew he was making a mistake and so did our friends and in that way I'm glad to hear that he now knows it, too. But...so sad that it took all of this.
I told him that I cannot even consider a life with him if he's drinking. I've been there, done that. It was one thing when he still lived here and I was willing to deal with it, but now that he's gone and I've lived life without alcoholism? I can't go back.
I told him that if he quit drinking, stayed on his pills (bipolar) and got IC that might make a difference.
Who knows if he will. Of course in my heart I want him to b/c that would make it more ok for me to consider it. But again, I know my friends would not approve. At all.
He's coming over today to visit and pick up a microwave. I'm looking forward to seeing him, I just hope I don't get sad when he leaves.
I think I'll be ok. I'm less sad b/c I don't feel as rejected now. I knew he was throwing away a great woman and it feels good to know he knows it too. But. There is nothing to be done at this time. Not only is he still drinking, but he lives an hour away now and signed a lease, so he's there to stay. At least for a year.
So, I figure he'll do what he'll do. Hopefully he'll do the right things but I know that I can't hold out hope that he'll change. I need to continue to focus on my recovery.
Still. Hearing him sob like that, hearing how unhappy he is and how terrible he feels about what he's done...broke my heart a little. I wish I didn't care so much. But, after 13 years (11 living together) it's hard to shake that kind of love.
Goddamn alcoholism. I hate it so much. It ruins lives, it causes damage and stress. I feel for the alcoholic though. I'm a smoker and I've quit a million times...it's HARD. Addiction is a bitch and if drinking is anything like smoking...then I don't hold out too much hope that he'll ever stop.
He says he wants to make it better and he hates himself and how he is but when I talk about him getting help whether AA or IC he avoids it, says he'll think about it but its hard. "He needs time to figure himself out first" I have talked to him about a C could help him figure some of that out but so far no luck.
I know its hard I have been in IC for 3 weeks now not only to help myself but to show him I am willing to try and R. I need him to do the same though.
Maybe losing his lic will help push him to the next phase. I also think my H is possibly bipolar like yours, never diagnosed but I think it is a possibility. He for sure suffers serious depression.
Thanks for sharing your story it helps me to know there are people that really can relate and won't judge you for what you are feeling.
XWS has been gone a little over 3 months. Now he wants to move back to his city...already.
This morning before he left he said, 'I'm sorry for this mess I've created. I'm so sorry'.
He is still officially dating OW, but he said it's not really working out, they spend almost no time together, haven't slept in the same bed for 2 months, that she is mean and very hot-tempered and yells a lot and he doesn't enjoy sex with her. This was an EA before he left--guess his risk didn't pay off.
He says that he knows I was right--everyone puts on their best face in the beginning and she represented herself well and he should have known that.
Ha. I knew this would happen. Actually, I hoped it would.
So last night he said, 'I want to break up with her and get back together with you.'
Again, I told him he'd have to quit drinking, get into IC, stay on his pills and have NC with OW#1 and OW#2.
So, if he wants me bad enough he'll do it. Although I'm pretty sure his desire for me is stronger than his desire for OW, I am not so confident that his desire for me is stronger than his desire for alcohol.
It wasn't in the past.
So again I'm freaking out because I don't want to tell my therapist or my friends about this. But I can't keep secrets, either.
I don't know how to feel at the moment and I don't know what to do.
Like many others on this site have said to me you have to look out for what is best for YOU.
I know, easy to say hard to do sometimes.
Even if he does, it will take a lot of time. He could quit drinking today, but who knows how long it would stick. I just don't think he'll quit on his own.
Curious to see what happens at his DUI sentencing this month...he knows they might make him quit drinking.
I feel for you with you H just having gotten a DUI. XWS is having a really hard time now. It's so expensive to get a DUI, he's broke because of it. Fines and fees and attorney's fees, etc. In that way, I'm glad he wasn't with me when it happened because I know I would be feeling that financial strain myself. What he fears most is jail time. He spoke with one man who had to spend 90 days in jail, lost his job and his apartment. Lost everything.
XWS is already depressed about all of this, so I fear that might push him over the edge.
But, it's his life and he'll do what he will. I'll carry on and try to keep my head on straight and not listen tooo much to my heart.
Thanks for the reply.
It was nice to hear her say the word "alcoholic". Some days I just feel as if I'm the only one who will say it. She also said that she's going to suggest or make it a term of our rebuilding our marriage that he quit drinking.
Can I just say that I'm scared shitless that he's going to pick the alcohol over me and kids???
Anyone else ever felt this way?
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
I can guarantee if someone gave him the ultimatum that your spouse is getting - it just wouldn't work.
It's been my experience that ultimatums never work. Not for us anyway.
I hate alcoholism. I hate the fact that yes my boyfriend would probably choose alcohol over me and our life together if it came down to that. I don't give the ultimatum of "stop drinking or I'll leave you" only because I know that "we" would be over. They will NOT stop drinking until they WANT to stop.
I feel bad for anyone that lives with an alcoholic. I feel bad for anyone that has to make the choice of living with it or walking away from the one they love. I am not at a point where I can make that decision yet. I don't WANT to make that decision. I just want my boyfriend and I to have a good long life together. A life that does not include the crap that alcohol brings about.
I feel bad for anyone that has to make the choice of living with it or walking away from the one they love.
That's what I am trying to decide. But I've never made the ultimatum before. And I know it's because deep down I'm pretty sure he'll pick the booze over me. Over our children. And that breaks my heart.
But I'm at a point where I know I can't make him quit and if won't and things don't improve, then I can't live with the toxicity of it any more.
I gave plenty of them before I knew it basically hopeless and harmful to do so. I did it repeatedly. The last one I gave was 'go to AA or move out'. He went 3 times (drunk twice), he hated it. It wasn't long after that that he left.
I think one of the more common phrases used by the SO of an alcoholic is 'If you really loved me, you'd quit'. Doesn't work.
He did choose alcohol over me and I'm not surprised. I can't win over it--I think it's rare that anyone can. Addiction is a wicked bitch.
But, now that XWS is gone and wants me back, I have NO problem saying that there is no chance in hell unless he quits drinking. But I KNOW it's much more difficult when you are still together...most of us don't really want to leave or we would, right?
Good luck...be careful and think it through. Once you make a threat and don't follow through, they'll never believe that you mean what you say in the future.
But I'm at a point where I know I can't make him quit and if won't and things don't improve, then I can't live with the toxicity of it any more
I hear ya! I too am "on the fence" with our relationship. I have good days where I think I can handle it and I have rotten days when I think that there is no way in hell I will live like this for the rest of my life.
And sadly, I've made plenty of ultimatums too. Didn't follow thru or else I wouldn't be here huh?
most of us don't really want to leave or we would, right?
No I don't want to leave. I want the storybook romance that I thought I was getting when I met him.
He said that the beer is the "only piece of ass" that won't reject him right now.
I am having a very hard time letting H touch/kiss/etc. me because of such mixed emotions.
I worry though because he is depending on alcohol for relief. He is covering or masking the real problems of our marriage or himself with it.
How can I help him see that?
By the way my H had to go away for his two week annual training.On base,no going anywhere,no drinking,cell phones,nothing.
I am so glad I am not with him.
The day before he was suppose to leave he drank four beers in about an hour.
Storing for later I guess.
Talked to XWS last night. His sentencing for his November DUI (2 weeks after he left) is on Friday.
First, I discovered that he has not told his parents of his DUI. He doesn't want them to know b/c it's 'so bad'. They were visiting him from out of state this past weekend (the first time since he left) and he missed his alcohol class b/c they were there and he didn't want to tell them the truth!!!
He's convinced it's likely the courts will force him to quit drinking since he blew twice the legal limit when he was pulled over for driving with no lights on.
He hadn't called in several days (which is very atypical) and I wondered why, so I asked him: So have you been drinking like there's no tomorrow because they might make you stop?
UGH!!!!! Drink up, buddy! Get as drunk as you can as often as you can.
This after he told me two weeks ago that he 'doesn't want to be a drunk anymore'.
I had hoped that maybe he would see this as a good opportunity to kick his destructive addiction, but knowing what he's doing before going into it tells me it's likely that once they lift the imposed abstinence, he'll be back at it.
I hope not, but this kind of behavior is disturbing.
Anyway, just a mini-vent. I'm pretty disgusted but not surprised, I guess. Doesn't he know that drinking MORE before he'll have to quit is just going to make it that much more difficult????
What an idiot. Or maybe it's just more appropriat to say--What an addict.
The day before he was suppose to leave he drank four beers in about an hour.
Storing for later I guess
Don't feel bad - mine would be doing the exact same thing except it probably would have been as many rum and cokes as he could chug.
What an idiot. Or maybe it's just more appropriat to say--What an addict
Yeah exactly...what an idiot. I'm feeling the same way about mine today. I don't know how much more of HIM I can take. I'm hating life today.
2 weeks after the DUI now and he has been w/o lic for a week. He has been doing so good. We actually had a good weekend at least thats what I thought. Stressful at times but overall good. Then today I call and he is drunk!!!
I'm so POd at him. I want to I know that he would chose alcohol over me, afterall he basically has. It has slowly destroyed him and our marriage. He hates himself and I want to tell him you should you suck! But then I worry it will push him over the edge.
Here I am alone because of my idiot (addict) H. As much as I want to walk I want him back. So far he has not gone to IC like I asked, afterall he has too much going on right now (crappy excuse I know).
I wish I didn't care about him it would be so much easier to walk away and not look back.
Ha ha - be careful what you wish for. I'm SO close to NOT caring and heck I even told him on Friday night that I was done and wanted to break up - he wouldn't listen. Cried/begged/pleaded to give him ANOTHER chance - so here I am...again.
I want to tell him you should you suck! But then I worry it will push him over the edge.
I told mine this and MORE on Friday - you wouldn't believe the things that came out of my mouth but dang it felt GREAT to say all that I've been holding in. And frankly, I didn't care if it pushed him over the edge or not. I'm over his selfishness and I told him as much. People are supposed to "add" to your life - not "take away" from it and that is exactly what he is doing.