AA has been /is a Godsend and key to sobriety for some people .....but like anything else , it's not for everyone .....
Can some of these meetings be "cesspools" ......yes, they can ..... like they tell you , look for another meeting ....they aren't all alike ....
and even if you happen across one of those "cesspool" meetings ...if you are willing to work the program and adhere to ALL the principles ( not just the ones that suit you) it won't matter where you go to a meeting .....
if your motives/motivation for attending aren't pure , EVERY meeting place will be a cesspool to you (general, not directed at anyone here).
Alcoholics COMMONLY twist the meaning betwwen the steps and principles of AA to suit themselves ....lay blame on others ...yada yada ......I've witnnessed it .....I've read about it ....
Rizzo , I am very happy that AA was a help to your H , obviously he was willing to work the program.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Blame the alcoholic, not the program or even the other alcoholics.
Renewed our vows 7/30
It's not an easy path to travel, but it can be so worth it in the end. Hang in there!
The main thing for you is to find a good support group to help you through this and to understand what is going on with him. If Alanon does not work for you (and it doesn't for everyone), there are a number of online sites you can visit.
Until your H really begins to work the steps (and I believe the 4th and 5th seem to be the big change), you will have a "dry" drunk on your hands. Remind yourself of you he was before the booze, and who he can be again. Try to keep sight of that man even and especially at the beginning of sobriety.
My H was a self-centered, self-absorbed jerk at the beginning of his sobriety. He was pissed off all the time and I really wasn't so sure that I liked him better this way or when he was drunk. Actually, the only difference was that when he was drunk he wasn't pissed off!!
Once he started really working the steps I saw a change. Slow, but it was there. Now, he's the man I always knew he really was, and he's able to show that to the world.
My FWH began drinking when he was in his teens, got multiple DUIs, sentenced to out-patient programs, tried AA for a while but never really "meant it". All this before he was even 21 years old!
I had never known an alcoholic, not in my circle of friends and not in my circle of family members. I never knew I was dating an alcoholic, I never knew I married an alcholic.
I could never have said this a year ago when I first joined SI, but in a really strange and insane way, DDay in Aug 2006 forced FWH to "wake up" and realize what he could stand to lose-- his house, his job, his wife.
I pray that this time he is serious about AA. He works the steps, goes to two AA meetings a week (I often go with him just to learn stuff myself).
Writing this right now makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time, but he's never shown his true affections so passionately and intensely the way he does now. As a sober guy, he sure is great!
FWH sober since 8/18/06
Working on R since 9/06
He won't get help until he is ready, but you can get help and learn how to deal with his drinking.
I sit here the past few nights and see him getting deeper.
I hate that look he gets.I cant be next to him until he is asleep.
I hate it and I know there is nothing I can do to make him stop.He has to do it on his own.
I dont see that any time soon.
He has put weight on too and he keeps adding more.
We have come so far in the infielity part and now this.
It goes from one to the other.
I know he uses alcohol to cram feelings away.To be numb.It makes me sick.
He is a sex addict and is seeking help, but now I'm concerened he's going to trade that addiction for alcohol. He jokingly talks about becoming an alcoholic but I'm starting to notice a pattern. Usually he has about 2 drinks on his nights off from work but last night he had a drink when today is a work day for him. He even asked me today if I think he's becoming one.
If he becomes an alcoholic, I think I'm going to leave him. I lost all respect for him on dday2 and it's now coming back since he's doing so well in his therapy for his sex addiction but if he choses to turn to alcohol, I think all that respect will be lost again. What should I do???
[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 12:26 PM, August 4th (Saturday)]
Anyway, my opinion is, an addictive personality can easily "switch" or accumulate or be prone to addictions. It's just their personality to always want...as he says "I want what I want and I want it NOW!!"
D-Day 1: Nov 2004
D-Day 2: Feb 10, 2007
D-Day3: Oct. 29, 2007
how stupid AM i?
Kids: 2 girls 9 and 12
Married 18 yrs.
My WS started drinking to excess, complete with hiding bottles & blackouts right after our first child was born...After reading about alcoholics, he had alot of the markers...could drink copious amounts and 'hold'it, started drinking in his teens, tried 'self limitations' (eg. I only drink wine, and only 2 glasses (although they were 16 oz glasses)
WS is also likely a Sex Addict and a gambling addict.
He has had massive collections of Pornography, was wasting 200 to 300 dollars a month on online gambling and then he gifted me w/OW, who, surprise, he met playing poker.
There is something missing in him that he keeps trying to fix w/ booze, gambling, porn or this last time, an OW (I put her into the porn category)
Heaven forbid he try to figure it out w/ an IC. He's been, but he doesn't 'believe' in counselors. Probably something about authority figures.
I wish he'd take up skydiving or swimming with sharks if he needs a thrill.
AA is fine, and Al-anon is fine. I also think it is good to educate yourself to find out what you are up against. Sometimes Al-anon is frustrating because they harp on "Conference approved literature" only. I understand this.
But I have found lots of help from non conference approved literature. There is more than one way to skin the cat.
My WS is going to AA, but he is 'dry'. Working the steps, it would be nice, but I don't know that he has the courage.
Some of what he says strikes a chord w/me....while there is comfort in sharing your problems with people that you can identify with, there is always the potential that you are just going to find some new drinking buddies.
The RR site might be an interesting site for someone that is not finding success in AA...check it out.
It is so frustrating.
Is there anyone out there who can understand where I am coming from??????
P.S. Yes we are in MC/IC. Yes, he attends almost daily AA meetings.
[This message edited by 14thebooks at 6:44 AM, August 12th (Sunday)]
I never was the WS but can understand where you're coming from about sobriety and different set of needs.
Mine was 10 years sober and all of that time all the responsibilities still lay with me.
He didn't want to work as he only ever worked to get drink money,his words not mine,and used to justify all his behaviours as he was working a selfish programme-whatever-my needs weren't being met and like you I got so tired of it I put him out.
During that two years seperation I thought we were doing really well resolving our differences,until I found out he had an OW.
That nearly destroyed me but we got back together with him having lifted his first drink as a result of the A.
Six years up the line he did it again and this time there's no going back as I dont want the grief of living with an alcoholic,performing or not and am trying to break free fom my "Codie"mindset which isn't easy after spending two thirds of my life with him.
I see people on here whose SO is sober and working a programme and I hope it works for them but after my experience I would hope they never take it for granted.
May you find peace and happiness.