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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
SCORNED
Member
Member # 6301
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, July 14th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I said in past posts here .....AA is a good thing for people WILLING TO WORK THE PROGRAM.

AA has been /is a Godsend and key to sobriety for some people .....but like anything else , it's not for everyone .....

Can some of these meetings be "cesspools" ......yes, they can ..... like they tell you , look for another meeting ....they aren't all alike ....

and even if you happen across one of those "cesspool" meetings ...if you are willing to work the program and adhere to ALL the principles ( not just the ones that suit you) it won't matter where you go to a meeting .....

if your motives/motivation for attending aren't pure , EVERY meeting place will be a cesspool to you (general, not directed at anyone here).

Alcoholics COMMONLY twist the meaning betwwen the steps and principles of AA to suit themselves ....lay blame on others ...yada yada ......I've witnnessed it .....I've read about it ....

Rizzo , I am very happy that AA was a help to your H , obviously he was willing to work the program.


"The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 12165 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: southwest
rizzo
♀ Member
Member # 9289
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, July 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is that when the alcoholic REMAINS the problem, AA gets blamed and called horrible names. Nothing in this world works unless you are willing to put in the time and effort it actually requires, and AA is no different.

Blame the alcoholic, not the program or even the other alcoholics.


ME: 38 BS, FWS, OW
H: 37 FWS, BS
Married 15 years
D-Day October 6, 2005

Renewed our vows 7/30


Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jan 2006
ShouldveThought
♀ Member
Member # 8978
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night DD and I attended out first Alanon meeting. It felt so good to hear people say things that are happening to us now. H went to a AA meeting last week I think he is either expecting a magic wand or it is to pacify me. I want to believe him I do but I can't. We will see I guess.




Posts: 192 | Registered: Nov 2005
rizzo
♀ Member
Member # 9289
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shouldve, there's no "magic wand" unfortunately. Your H has a TON of work to do in this program. I think it's great that you are starting Alanon. It can help you to get your mind around what your H is doing, needs to do, what you need to do (or not)...

It's not an easy path to travel, but it can be so worth it in the end. Hang in there!


ME: 38 BS, FWS, OW
H: 37 FWS, BS
Married 15 years
D-Day October 6, 2005

Renewed our vows 7/30


Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jan 2006
ShouldveThought
♀ Member
Member # 8978
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks! Allthough I have officailly decided that I really don't like "dry" H I mean really really don't like him. Two weeks dry and one AA meeting. What am I up against here?




Posts: 192 | Registered: Nov 2005
rizzo
♀ Member
Member # 9289
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. You're up against a lot. "Dry" sucks, sober is amazing. My H was "dry" for many years before he started drinking again.

The main thing for you is to find a good support group to help you through this and to understand what is going on with him. If Alanon does not work for you (and it doesn't for everyone), there are a number of online sites you can visit.

Until your H really begins to work the steps (and I believe the 4th and 5th seem to be the big change), you will have a "dry" drunk on your hands. Remind yourself of you he was before the booze, and who he can be again. Try to keep sight of that man even and especially at the beginning of sobriety.

My H was a self-centered, self-absorbed jerk at the beginning of his sobriety. He was pissed off all the time and I really wasn't so sure that I liked him better this way or when he was drunk. Actually, the only difference was that when he was drunk he wasn't pissed off!!

Once he started really working the steps I saw a change. Slow, but it was there. Now, he's the man I always knew he really was, and he's able to show that to the world.


ME: 38 BS, FWS, OW
H: 37 FWS, BS
Married 15 years
D-Day October 6, 2005

Renewed our vows 7/30


Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jan 2006
Penny26
♀ Member
Member # 11755
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I go to open AA meetings with my FWH and I agree with some of you that say it's a "cesspool" because I see so many people there just to get their Motor Vehicle cards signed and are drunk off their butts at the AA meetings.. but I also agree with others like Rizzo who point out that alcoholism is a disease and the alcoholic needs to be ready to work the program. AA doesn't work if they expect to show up and be "cured". There is no curing the disease, and there is no such thing as a "recovered alcoholic".

My FWH began drinking when he was in his teens, got multiple DUIs, sentenced to out-patient programs, tried AA for a while but never really "meant it". All this before he was even 21 years old!

I had never known an alcoholic, not in my circle of friends and not in my circle of family members. I never knew I was dating an alcoholic, I never knew I married an alcholic.

I could never have said this a year ago when I first joined SI, but in a really strange and insane way, DDay in Aug 2006 forced FWH to "wake up" and realize what he could stand to lose-- his house, his job, his wife.

I pray that this time he is serious about AA. He works the steps, goes to two AA meetings a week (I often go with him just to learn stuff myself).

Writing this right now makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time, but he's never shown his true affections so passionately and intensely the way he does now. As a sober guy, he sure is great!


Me BW (27); Him FWH (34)
Married 4 years, Together 7, No Children
Suspected multiple A (Nov 05 - Aug 06), always denied.
DDay 8/15/06
FWH fighting alcoholism and clinical depression

FWH sober since 8/18/06
Working on R since 9/06
(2 years


Posts: 182 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New Jersey
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having issues dealing with husbands drinking.
It started up again when he found out about my A in April 2204.
It has gone up and down and I just dont know how to deal with it.
Meetings are not an option for me or him.
I feel this sucking back the life I had try getting back.
I know he drinks for stress.It doesnt matter what his excuse is.It sucks and is ruining whats left of the marriag,along with his asshole mood.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
rizzo
♀ Member
Member # 9289
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, July 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chelle, why are meetings not an option? If there are none in your location you can find some good support groups on-line to work with.

He won't get help until he is ready, but you can get help and learn how to deal with his drinking.


ME: 38 BS, FWS, OW
H: 37 FWS, BS
Married 15 years
D-Day October 6, 2005

Renewed our vows 7/30


Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jan 2006
Grandall
♂ Member
Member # 11169
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This forum is helpful to me. I know my wifes drinking played a large role in the breakup of my family.
I addressed her drinking with her. I stopped drinking with her over time. She was no longer comfortabel around me. She got caught up with a single divorced man from work, who would drink with her. So the whole thing was a recipe for disaster. Married people don't belong socializing or confiding in with single people of the opposite sex. It all sucks and my kids have to bear the brunt of living with thier alcoholic mom. She wasted no time in introducing them to the Om she has had an affair with for the past 6 yrs. My kids have known the man for about 3 weeks. He's bb sitting them frequently while mom works at night. I'm having difficulty letting go.


Me 46 WS Online EA
XWW Many EA's and PA. Married OP.
T 26yrs. M 20yrs.
Divorced 6/5/07
3 Great Children, G 21. G 15. B 11.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish & deceitful.

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: MA
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, July 28th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to the local church and they were having an AA meeting.But there werent enough people for the Alanon.
We live in a smalll town.Also if he knew what I was doing he would be pissed.
I am really not into meeting with strangers really anyway.

I sit here the past few nights and see him getting deeper.
I hate that look he gets.I cant be next to him until he is asleep.
I hate it and I know there is nothing I can do to make him stop.He has to do it on his own.
I dont see that any time soon.
He has put weight on too and he keeps adding more.
We have come so far in the infielity part and now this.
It goes from one to the other.
I know he uses alcohol to cram feelings away.To be numb.It makes me sick.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
rizzo
♀ Member
Member # 9289
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can probably find an Alanon meeting somewhere near you. If not, go on-line and find one. Yes, you are meeting with a group of strangers, but they are strangers who know what you are going through and can help give you the tools you need to get through this. Don't let go of that so easily. And honestly, who cares if your H is pissed that you are going to an Alanon or AA meeting? This is something for YOU, not him. Don't give up on the idea of finding people like yourself who can help.


ME: 38 BS, FWS, OW
H: 37 FWS, BS
Married 15 years
D-Day October 6, 2005

Renewed our vows 7/30


Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jan 2006
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, my H is not an alcoholic YET but I'm starting to worry. You see, we both drink socially, however, he drinks more than I do.

He is a sex addict and is seeking help, but now I'm concerened he's going to trade that addiction for alcohol. He jokingly talks about becoming an alcoholic but I'm starting to notice a pattern. Usually he has about 2 drinks on his nights off from work but last night he had a drink when today is a work day for him. He even asked me today if I think he's becoming one.

If he becomes an alcoholic, I think I'm going to leave him. I lost all respect for him on dday2 and it's now coming back since he's doing so well in his therapy for his sex addiction but if he choses to turn to alcohol, I think all that respect will be lost again. What should I do???

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 12:26 PM, August 4th (Saturday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
Jim_and_I
♀ New Member
Member # 15390
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momofthree2007--be careful, my husband has been sober for 3 years (with help of AA) but now blames me for his A because I didn't have sex with him enough. He says he's not a sex addict, but he admits to frequenting over a dozen prostitutes. In my opinion, anyone willing to jeopardize their marriage with that kind of A is definitely a Sex Addict. He also started a sexual affair with a sponsee in AA. So much for loving AA!

Anyway, my opinion is, an addictive personality can easily "switch" or accumulate or be prone to addictions. It's just their personality to always want...as he says "I want what I want and I want it NOW!!"


that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger....at least that's the theory!!!

D-Day 1: Nov 2004
D-Day 2: Feb 10, 2007
D-Day3: Oct. 29, 2007
how stupid AM i?
Kids: 2 girls 9 and 12
Married 18 yrs.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Jul 2007
rizzo
♀ Member
Member # 9289
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momofthree, if he is having concerns about his drinking, encourage him to see someone about it. A counselor or AA, whatever. But if he feels it is bad enough to mention it is time for him to take action.


ME: 38 BS, FWS, OW
H: 37 FWS, BS
Married 15 years
D-Day October 6, 2005

Renewed our vows 7/30


Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jan 2006
hanecita
♀ Member
Member # 10297
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I understand addiction, where there is one, there are often 'cross addictions'.

My WS started drinking to excess, complete with hiding bottles & blackouts right after our first child was born...After reading about alcoholics, he had alot of the markers...could drink copious amounts and 'hold'it, started drinking in his teens, tried 'self limitations' (eg. I only drink wine, and only 2 glasses (although they were 16 oz glasses)

WS is also likely a Sex Addict and a gambling addict.

He has had massive collections of Pornography, was wasting 200 to 300 dollars a month on online gambling and then he gifted me w/OW, who, surprise, he met playing poker.

There is something missing in him that he keeps trying to fix w/ booze, gambling, porn or this last time, an OW (I put her into the porn category)

Heaven forbid he try to figure it out w/ an IC. He's been, but he doesn't 'believe' in counselors. Probably something about authority figures.


I wish he'd take up skydiving or swimming with sharks if he needs a thrill.

AA is fine, and Al-anon is fine. I also think it is good to educate yourself to find out what you are up against. Sometimes Al-anon is frustrating because they harp on "Conference approved literature" only. I understand this.

But I have found lots of help from non conference approved literature. There is more than one way to skin the cat.

My WS is going to AA, but he is 'dry'. Working the steps, it would be nice, but I don't know that he has the courage.


Posts: 1249 | Registered: Apr 2006
hanecita
♀ Member
Member # 10297
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are alternatives to AA...one that I have found is called Rational Recovery...it seems that the founder of that program found the cesspool factor of AA a problem...his site lambasts the AA program...

Some of what he says strikes a chord w/me....while there is comfort in sharing your problems with people that you can identify with, there is always the potential that you are just going to find some new drinking buddies.

The RR site might be an interesting site for someone that is not finding success in AA...check it out.


Posts: 1249 | Registered: Apr 2006
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 11th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jim_and_i and rizzo, for a moment I thought H was becoming an alcoholic. He told me the other day he wasn't but he sure loves to joke about it when he drinks. He usually drinks after a long day's work and that's only twice a week. Lately when he drinks he says very hurtful things though. He's usually nice after he's had a few but that hasn't been the case after the A's.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
14thebooks
♀ Member
Member # 12661
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, August 12th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyone posting here who is married to an alcoholic but is the wayward spouse?
My H is an alcoholic. He is sober almost 8 years. He works the steps.
I am not blaming my A on his alcoholism, However, I explained to him that someone who is the caretaker for a cancer patient after a little while gets weary...needs to be nurtured too, and needs to be re-charged from time to time. I was his alcoholic caretaker...doing it all alone, kids house work while he had his affair with his liquid mistress. 20 years. When my H got sober...it became a new set of needs. An exchange. I now had to "support him" through new struggles.
I got tired. I admit it.
I am not justifying my A. I have owned it, ended it and am doing the work.
But trying to reconcile with the alcoholic mind is a whole 'nother ballgame. There is an obstinance to his thought patterns I don't see in non-alcoholic men. A refusal to listen....

It is so frustrating.

Is there anyone out there who can understand where I am coming from??????

P.S. Yes we are in MC/IC. Yes, he attends almost daily AA meetings.

[This message edited by 14thebooks at 6:44 AM, August 12th (Sunday)]


48 y/o WW
50 y/o BS
Married 27 ys

Posts: 553 | Registered: Nov 2006
32years2day
♀ Member
Member # 14016
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 12th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

14-I can take what you're saying.

I never was the WS but can understand where you're coming from about sobriety and different set of needs.

Mine was 10 years sober and all of that time all the responsibilities still lay with me.

He didn't want to work as he only ever worked to get drink money,his words not mine,and used to justify all his behaviours as he was working a selfish programme-whatever-my needs weren't being met and like you I got so tired of it I put him out.

During that two years seperation I thought we were doing really well resolving our differences,until I found out he had an OW.

That nearly destroyed me but we got back together with him having lifted his first drink as a result of the A.

Six years up the line he did it again and this time there's no going back as I dont want the grief of living with an alcoholic,performing or not and am trying to break free fom my "Codie"mindset which isn't easy after spending two thirds of my life with him.

I see people on here whose SO is sober and working a programme and I hope it works for them but after my experience I would hope they never take it for granted.

May you find peace and happiness.


The strong are sometimes wrong but the weak are never free.

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