2.30am here and have to get up in 4 hours for work so will look back in tomorrow.
So did I learn anything from being with a man who preferred his bottle above all else? No, I chose another drunk after him...this one more of a binge drinker, but alcoholic none the less. This one is addicted to cheating and lying though, in addition to the bottle.
I hope I learned somthing this time round...
My W/s has just admitted to being an alcoholic. I truly believe he has been for years.
We had been separated for a short time, with the view to reconciliation when he met AP approximately 3 years ago. I know at that time he was depressed and drinking heavily.
I have a very hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he choose drinking with the OW to being with me and his family. A really hard time with that.
I have never read a good definition of an alcoholic but the following are the criteria I use to say that my WW is an alcoholic:
1. Has to drink. She cannot go a night without drinking;
2. Drinks increasing amounts of alcohol over time. She started by having a glass per night, then two glasses, then two big glasses and it finally has progressed to a bottle per night.
3. Her personality goes through a fundamental change when she is drunk. She is sad, snarly and super aggressive.
4. She is extremely defensive when anyone tries to talk to her about her drinking.
Do the above make any sense?
The drinking was a great deal to cope with, the A was too much. It nearly ended our marriage.
He has been sober for nearly TWO years and is an amazing husband now.
It hasn't been easy, but I am glad we work together on our marriage.
From a person named nytepassion from the sober recovery web site:
Alcoholics and addicts always require more, more, more of everything that makes em' feel good ... even relationship wise (more of us ... less of themselves) more, more ... more us, less, lesser of them .. and this goes on and on and oneday we find ourselves wondering what the hell happened (we've given so much of ourselves over to our alcoholic loved one) that we have nothing left, but a memory of what we once were and the reality of what we've become is devastating ... We've consistantly weakened and yeilded living our lives for and around the alcoholic, his/her alcoholicism and the behavior thereof for so long, being caught up in trying to change the alcoholic, save the alcoholic, rescue the alcoholic, sacraficing ourselves for the alcoholic ... the alcoholic, the Alcoholic, the AlCoHoLiC... morning, noon and night .. day in day out it spent all around and being all about the ALCOHOLIC and what he/she is or isn't doing or what she/he has or hasn't done, what they said or didn't say, whether they used or didn't use ... that by the time we actually plop down from sheer exhaustion and try to take a moment to breath or to think ... We are devastated at what not only what our lives have become, but more so what we've become in the process of trying to keep our alcoholic loved one away from and off of booze ...
and then we begin the journey into trying to understand what the hell has and is happening to your life ... then to top things off you find that in order to make things better for you and for the ALCOHOLIC you have to let go and Let God ... then the fear sets in, "But what if" what if I let go and he/she gets hurt, or something bad happens or worse (our biggest fear)she/he ends up dead ... So we try to hold on only to find we've been holding our alcoholic loved one up and keeping their feet from touching the ground ... in other words (holding up the alcoholic out of fear they will get hurt ... instead of letting go and letting them fall and realizing that the pain from the fall is just what the doctor ordered) Pain can be beneficial .. It can be a motivator, it can be a constant reminder that things need change in theirs and our lives ...
If you find yourself sitting there reading this and you are in pain because of and over your alcoholic loved one ... let that pain motivate you to seek out your recovery, your healing ...
You are not responsible to make it all better for your alcoholic loved one ... They are responsible for their own lives and how they live it ... and if drugs are chosen over all else then the pain, suffering, and consequences that ultimately come with the territory of being a alcoholic belong to the alcoholic and not the loved one of the alcoholic ...
The very pain, consequences, trouble that you are trying to keep from happening to your alcoholic loved one ... Just might be the very thing that would bring them to rock bottom ... Get out of the way and Let the process begin
The longer you fight it ... the harder you make your own life ...
Besides you can't get around, over or under it ... You're going to have to walk through it to get to the otherside ...
It is usually because we are (or we think we are) at our wits end when we begin to look for answers to help us understand ... we read books, talk to counselors, search the net for answers ... some end up here ... searching, asking questions, trying to understand and make some kind of sense out of their lives ... You read, and read and read, step out and post, read replies, reply yourself and the others that have been down the path before you reach out to try to help you ... to try to take your hand and led you out, but are usually met with resistance, unsurity (should I stay or should I go) What will happen to the alcoholic in my life if I let go to find myself ... Will they lose themselves in booze completely ... so you stay behind because your not quite ready to recovery yourself ... You still feel the need to watch over your alcoholic ... You watch and watch as things decline as they decline and you fight, argue, yell, cry, beg, plead, rationalize, try logic .. only to find you've been beating your head against a brick wall and now to top things off you've busted open your head and not only is your head bleeding, but so is your heart ... Bleeding and crying out Please God, Make this all stop ... (gotta get out of the way so he can reach your alcoholic)
This site is an information booth ... You come in all beat up, weathered from the storm ... you ask for directions ... and are given them, but they are no good UNLESS you follow them ... it takes courage, trust, faith, strength and a real desire to change NOT THE alcoholic, but yourself ...
The alcoholic is going to do what the alcoholic does NO MATTER what you do ... and if you're living paralized waiting for the alcoholic to change before you can go on with your life .. then you could be waiting a long, long time .. You think you're exhausted now ... it doesn't get any better till you get better ...
The best gift you can give yourself and your alcoholic loved one is YOUR OWN RECOVERY ... they can't do it for you ... you can't do it for them ... but each can do it for themselves ... and I can say this .. It is easier for the alcoholic to out run you ... so if you plan on tryin to keep up you better get ready to be put through more hell then you've ever know before ...
It stops when you stop it ...
You allowed me to find the SB board so between both places I am getting support to"let go and let God".
I'm at the point where I'm planning my escape from the burned out shell of our relationship, but sometimes I worry that my leaving will really push him off the deep end.
Right now he's a high-functioning alcoholic...can stay out drinking until 2 am and still appear in court in the morning (he's an attorney) at 8:30, fresh as a daisy, all pressed and ready for action. If I did that, I probably would be quite late for work, look a mess, and hide behind my coffee cup and moan all morning.
I worry that leaving him will make him into one of those stumbling, park-bench sleeping drunks.
I *know* it's not my problem, and I can't change him, HE has to change for himself. I know it;s a disease and it was a (hidden) problem for him long before I came on the scene. But I'd *feel* badly about it.
Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats
and I always thought if I took away his support system he would bottom...nope...he is better off then I am, it seems...
Later when we split up because of the OW he was sober and couldn't blame it on no one but himself. We got through the alcohol and the abuse and then he decided I wasn't the one he wanted to grow old with. Where did I go wrong??? I stood by him like the vows I took said to do. Why is it he couldn't do the same???? I guess some people don't take their vows to heart, Huh???
Sometimes, you may find you are blessed when they leave you.
He came home at 11:30 pm last night. Should have been fine, right? 11:30, how drunk could he be? But he managed to make our youngest cry by blaming her - a 12 year old!!! - for our credit card debt. WTF?!?
I was in the bathroom when that happened, and he had disappeared down to his lair before I could confront him. (He built an apartment in the basment at least 5 years ago, and has lived apart from us ever since. Marital problems? Ya think?)
Anyway, this morning he discovered that having the septic tank pumped did not solve a sewage problem we had last week. He's bemoaning the fact that it will cost $3000 to fix it and where will that money come from? I'm thinking, "Maybe if you hadn't bought that motorcycle, and then got on eBay and ordered every Harley accoutrement you could find we'd still have that money which, by the way, I thought was supposed to go for a downpayment on a car for me ... the one stuck driving a '99 minivan with 107K miles and bad breaks."
*draws a breath*
Where was I? Oh, yeah ... plumbing. So, he's going on and on and on about how he can't find his phone which he claims he loaned to a friend last night. He goes to find friend, comes home and demands that I hand over the phone. Won't believe me when I say I don't have a clue. This is when he finds out that he doesn't remember ANYTHING about last night. I say, "I know this isn't the right moment, but this is how you've been for a very long time." He is remorseful about having yelled at DD.
I try to be helpful in suggesting places to look, and he's irritated. While he's on the phone arranging some fix to the plumbing situation, I go downstairs to look, knowing that his eyesight isn't what it used to be and that, perhaps, the black phone fell in a dark corner or something.
I find the phone under his pillow! I totally resist peeking although it nearly killed me, and I take it upstairs and hand it to him. He accuses me of having had it all the time.
I have not been verbally angry with him much at all through this. I've tried and tried and tried to remain calm and reasonable. This was it, though, especially after he says that he always sleeps with it under his pillow. Now, why is that, Oh Philandering One??? And, if that's true, wouldn't that be the first place to look, you swearword, swearword, swearword?!
"Don't even! Just don't!," I shrieked, "That damn phone is going to be why I leave!"
He's perplexed ... and sorry ... or so he says. Meanwhile, my daughters are off in the next room crying.
I want to write him a list of all the times he's done thing like ... oh, the night I wondered if he'd come home and found him passed out in the doorway between the garage and the house, sprawled on top of a bag filled with garbage. Or the many/several times I would wake in the morning and find human feces in places like the high chair!!
His brother is an alcoholic 24/7. One of the types that's drunk on one beer, but doesn't let that stop him. His mother - my mil - who's 70-something was arrested for DWI a couple years ago after she crashed her car into several parked cars on Super Bowl Sunday. FIL is just plain crazy, but used to be a drinker as well. SIL is, I think, reformed, or nearly so. She seems to function pretty well, and I've never seen her behave badly.
My IC said not to beat myself up for not having visualized this future since I had no prior experience with alcoholics, but I was 35 when we married. 35!! You'd think I could have given it some thought. I think I thought he would just magically turn into someone unlike what he was.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
So, anyway ... long story short, I'm a part of this club, too.
- Christian Bovee
"It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."
- Dorothy Parker
what is your H like when he's NOT drinking ? What is he like when he IS drinking?
Is he moody, short tempered when he's not drinking or when he is drinking?
Is your H a falling down drunk or would you be hard pressed to even notice he had just downed a bottle ?
I know alcoholics come in all shapes/sizes .....
My H hides it better than ANYONE I have ever seen in my life ( you have to see it to believe it)..... I felt so stupid not knowing he had been drinking ...I just couldn't tell ....
Robert Louis Stevenson
what is your H like when he's NOT drinking ? What is he like when he IS drinking?
My husband can be very short-tempered even when he's not drinking, but I can attribute that to his working 2 jobs. At least, prior to the A I could. Generally speaking, though, he's just a regular guy (on the self-absorbed side). We don't see a lot of his happy, sociable personality. He saves that for his bar buddies.
When he drinks, though, anything can happen. He's reached a point where he has blackouts and doesn't remember. In the past 2 months he's done things which have made me worry for our safety. He's coming home blind drunk at 11:30 pm ... after only 4 hours at the bar. Things just keep going from bad to worse. I've asked my daughters to sleep with their bedroom doors locked, which worries me in case of fire, but I'd rather feel that they were saf(er) for when he comes home violently angry as well as blind drunk.
It sucks. Sucks a lot.
We just went thru the "rapid detox" that Dr. Phil has sent several people to. It works for alcohol as well as opiates.
It is fairly expensive but the patient is detoxed in a 24hr period. Of course they stay in the hospital for a couple of days.
WH was just detoxed yesterday. Feeling a little rough today but he holds the record for amount of opiates anyone has been detoxed off of. (Wow...I'm so proud )
Anyway, will keep you posted on progress in case anyone is interested.
I think rules prohibit me from naming the establishment but PM me and I will let you know.