We do have contact and did not go through the courts, but our sitch is different--OW and OC are across the ocean! Our courts wouldn't have jurisdiction there, and it wouldn't be worth the trouble to even try--by the time it got through two different governmental systems, with different approaches to father's rights, the OC would be a grown up!! But it is a continuous negotiation which just sucks for H and me--working so far, but it's not as hard with them so far away and such limited contact.
As far as accepting OC and having contact with your kids, I have no advice--my kids are adults whom we haven't told yet--though that hurdle is coming and we're talking about when to do it, and I have to accept OC cuz I won't let H go to Europe without me to visit him--don't trust OW at all and I would agonize too much over H since full trust will never be regained for me, I know that.
Only thing I can say is build on what seems to be going better since your H has NC--concentrate on your marriage, and give it time as far as your R with OC--no hurry, no demand that you be an instant step-mom now or ever really--plus it's still early days for you. Take care of yourself and your own family with H.
Easy to say, hard to do I know.
We're going along okay, still working on myself in IC and H is also--I'm actually getting used to the phone calls H makes to talk to OC biweekly--and listen in so I hear what he has to say to OW (OC is only 2--so she's still involved more than I'd like). It will never be easy, but I'm hoping it will get less tense for all as time goes on--if only for OC's and H's sakes. Could care less how OW feels.
Check the paperwork your H was served with. It will have a case# on it. In a few days, call the office that handled the paperwork to see if they've received word whether she tested or not.
Did you see on the paperwork where it said if she didn't show it would close the case?
I can't see the system reneging on her having to go in since they gave your h a date. Call your local CS office or clerk of the court.
If she doesn't show, have your h petition the court to determine paternity. There's a form he can do saying he denies he's the father and that he wants the court to have DNA testing done. If she refuses to give samples, she'll be held in contempt and a bench warrant put on her butt.
You've been in my prayers for the past couple of days.
I wish I could convince my H that setting things up legally is the best thing to stop her harrassment. He is being stubborn. He feels like she will stop all of this. I am not so sure.
I think in time I may be able to tolerate the OC but I am not ready and our marriage is not strong enough to handle OC. There has been so much deception. There are days that I wonder what am I doing??? Why am I still with this guy???? I have my own place and my seperation in place - why do I want to be bothered???? Then I look at my sweet kids and remember the man that I married. O-well.
Thanks again. You guys are such a strong support system.
"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey
"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu
Its the same old story, except in my case I am engaged. I have been with this man for 10 years and he is truly my best friend. He slept with someone less than 5 times last year. The woman was a friend. She told him she would abort. All of a sudden she said she couldnt abort because she has a thin uterus. This is obviously a lie because a. they do not check your uterus when you have an abortion and b. you cannot carry a child full term with a thin uterus.
She had the baby in November. She found out I was pregnant and decided to file for CS. I lost my baby (premature birth). I found out about all this 6 weeks after I lost my own child.
He went to court and had the DNA test done, but as the day grows closer, we are realizing that she is most likely telling the truth. She would not have gone this far otherwise. We get the results next Wednesday (7 weeks after the test).
Im not leaving him as some people in the Just Found Out forum suggested. Number 1, I love him. Number 2, it is not that easy.
I guess I am writing because I need to pull on someone's strenth. If this child is his, I dont know how I can handle it. The ONLY way I can handle it is if she would agree to give us full custody. I dont want to have to deal with this woman who is obviously out to destroy my fiancee. Dont get me wrong, he was WRONG! However, she is plotting and scheming for us to lose our house and each other (she told the uterus lie after she found out that we just bought a house.) She also told him that she had fibroids so she couldnt have an abortion. Wouldnt you know it, I lost my son to premature labor due to a growing fibroid.
How do you women do it? And so many people know about this. I havent told my parents and I dont think I ever will for fear of how they would look at him. He is really a good person who did something REALLY STUPID.
I have gone through all the emotions: denial, fear, suicidal thoughts, hope. I feel like a zombie moving through life. I am a strong believer in God but right now I dont think He is gonna help me.
Thanks for reading and God bless you in all of your situations.
[This message edited by Godisgood at 2:42 PM, March 13th (Thursday)]
Sorry you find yourself joining our little group here. But I have gotten some good advice from the other ladies in this forum dealing with this craziness.
I think if you want to stay with your fiance,then that is what you should do. Nobody can make the decision for you to stay or leave but you. Some of the people in the other foruns who haven't been in our shoes automatically say "leave him", but it isn't that easy.
Has your fiance decided if he wants to be a part of the OC life if he is the father? My FWH is not part of the OC life, OW just made it way too hard for us to deal with. My H pays his CS each month and that is about the extent of his dealings with OC exsistence. Some people have said some awful things about my H for not being a part of OC life,but only my H and I can say what is right for us and only you and your fiance can say what is right for you.
My heart goes out to you for the loss of your own child .
It can be a little slow around here sometimes so if you need advice or just to talk feel free to PM at anytime. Take care
We have discussed C and he says that he wants NC with the child because he never wanted the child. When she told him she was pregnant she told him she was having the abortion. Then the story about her uterus. She then said that she would agree to let him sign over his rights (which is not that simple). She even lied and said that she paid a lawyer thousands of dollars to draw up the terminiation of rights papers. This woman is disgusting and I see why he wants NC.
But I know him, and I know that a few months down the line, if not sooner, he is going to want C. And like I said, I would have NO PROBLEM taking the child in. But I have a big problem of having to deal with this woman who wants to destroy me.
Their mutual friends dont speak to her anymore because they say she is hell bent on destruction.
The funny thing is, if she never told him that she wanted to have an abortion, I would probably feel different about the child. If this was an emotional affair and not just a sex thing I would probably feel different. But the fact that she is a liar and that he has no feelings for her makes this whole thing even harder to deal with.
If there are any prayers out there, please pray that this child is not his (yeah I know, wishful thinking). She has 2 other teen age children by a man who left her while he was in jail. You gotta be some kind of miserable if your man leaves you while he is in jail. So she basically started her life over again with my fiancee's child.
She is going to make sure that my life is hell! And I dont even know her!
My advice for you if you want to stay in the relationship is to keep the lines of communication open between you and your fiancee, you must be a united front where this woman is concerned. Her giving you full custody is not likely and you need to prepare for that.
Going thru the courts actually is the best thing he could have done. Therefore she can not make the rules, the rules are made by the court as to how much he has to pay and any visitation is usually settled sometimes in a separate hearing.
It will be hard, but if you are both on the same page, you put down clear boundaries where this OW is concerned, it can work. For me I picked the OC up from her for visits, that was my way have having some control of the situation. When the courts gave us custody, I made it so that she had to contact me if she wanted to speak with her kids. My H kind of resisted it, but went he found out he was not the father of the twins, it just blew everything out of the water. We have not even heard from OW since 1/29 when the results came back.
Now I am not suggesting that you get involved in visitation if and when he decides he wants contact,if you don't think you can handle it, that is what worked for me.
My experience has been if you don't let the OW see cracks in the glass, she won't be able to break it. Any contact he does have needs to be about OC only and you should be involved so you are not wondering.
Best case scenerio, it is not his child. For me I went in with the mentally that all 3 OC were my H and that is what I prepared myself for.
Hugs and prayers to you. I hope things go the way you want and if not here is a little strength to help you thru.
Please feel free to PM me if you like.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 5:48 PM, March 13th (Thursday)]
BMC and the others have given yo excellent advice--we stay after this kind of horrible situation for our own personal reasons, and noone who hasn't walked in these shoes (someone said on the other thread, in Jimmy Choo's!), can't make the decision for you. You and your SO are entwined in many ways and 10 years is nothing to throw away lightly.
Boundaries, negotiation, and communication--you will be sick of talking about these things, but keep it up, try to stay on the same page, and expect lots of ups and downs and tears and rages and on and on--lots of support here--good luck and keep posting.
It really helps to talk to people who understand. I wish I had you guys with me every day.
The OW is really raking you guys over the coals. My daughter had the DNA test done on a Wed. and the results came in the mail 10 days later on a Fri. She must be getting some cheap thrill out of letting you sweat. I'll say it again. I think the only decent thing to do in a situation where the marriage is intact and there are children of the marriage is for the OP and OC to move on and make a life for themselves rather than destroy a family. I'm the mother of a WS and my heart breaks knowing 2 marriages were destroyed and 2 children's futures are tainted by an affair.
Stay strong. The day she gives birth will be so hard. I thought that I was prepared for the birth of the OC but I lost it!!!! I screamed at my H for being in the room and being part of the birth when I had asked that he not be present. He says he was their for OC (the OW drank during the first 6 months of the pregnancy). My best advice is to have lots of good friends and family around for support. And please don't let the OW overshadow such a precious moment for you. Again, stay strong.
Well, the OW is making it very difficult for H to see OC (27 text messages in 7 days calling him a bad father etc). She has started attacking me on MySpace again - Goodie.:( She has really gotten into his head by saying that I am trying to control his visitation with OC. I am not, I just need certain boundries in place so I am comfortable with this entire horrible situation. My H also thinks that being nice to her will make her go away and get out of our lives - he is kidding himself. She will only be happy with him and her raising the OC together and me going away. Does anyone else have a passive husband that just wants peace but really won't go after it????? The therapist and I both agree that being nice is like playing with fire.
Thanks for listening.
Has this happened to anyone? Im in NY. I dont understand why we have to wait ANOTHER week. Seven was more than enough!
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I am from NY but all our court stuff took place in Idaho before we left,so I don't really have any advice,I just wanted to let you know someone heard you.
Then tonight I talked to him on the phone and the birth of the OCs was postponed now until Thurs...yeah more torture for me. My WH is beside himself...he is crying all of the time and praying that the paternity comes back as negative for him, but I think the chances of that are slim to none. More then anything, I want this nightmare to end and I want him to be here with me as my due date draws nearer, but we are both holding back because I know (at least I think I know)if those kids are his our marriage is over. So, I guess I'm curious as to how you can really make a go at R even if the OCs are his? The way I see it is that WH made his bed and needs to lie in it himself.
I don't really know how to answer that question. We all find our own way to deal with it. For us NC was the best way to go cause OW was still trying to break us up. Had OW been a reasonable person and allowed us to have visitation with OC and have a neutral party do the exchange OC may have been a part of our lives. How do some BS R with OC as a part of thier life I can't say, we all have to find our own path to R I guess. But R can happen whether there is contact or not as long as you and your H work together as a team and communication stays open and he is considerate of your feelings. Not sure if this helps,best of luck to you.