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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
rockedmyworld
♀ New Member
Member # 18044
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some information regarding paternity tests. I live in NY. I have posted here before, but this is brief synopsis of my story. My WH had an affair with a co-worker (a.k.a. whore) at the same time that he and I were trying to get pregnant with our 1st child. Anyway, I am pregnant and due April 6th and the whore is due with TWINS March 23rd (but she will most likely go early). While both my WH and I believe that the twins are his, there is a small possibility that they are not...WH's friends believe that she was sleeping with someone else at the same time. Anyway, WH claims that OW will consent to the paternity test. Assuming that she she stays true to her word, can the paternity test be done in the hospital right after they are born? Or do they have to be done at a separate lab? If both have the test at the same time, how long does it take to get the results? I am already leaning toward D, and if the paternity test proves that the twins are his, then my decision will be made. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rockedmyworld,I am from NY also,but all our paternity crap took place in Idaho before we moved back here. I'm not sure if they will test right at the hospital at birth cause we didn't even know OW was pregnant until FWH was served with paternity papers when OC was 4 months old. We had to go through the court system for the paternity test to be admissable in court. My H,OW and OC all had samples taken within days of eachother and we had the results back in about 6 weeks.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rockmyworld If you use a lab that test at there lab you should be able to test within hours of the babies being born, and use it in court.

I had hired a lab out of washington, but they have lab techs all over the country to come and take the samples. You can have it back within a couple of weeks. Faster if you pay more. The lab techs will go wherever you are and they have there fingerprint machine camera etc. with them. It's still the same strick rules when doing the DNA test.

Basically as long as the lab has court ammesable (sp?) reports it can be used. You have to make sure of that.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Helpless  Posted: 5:36 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My son has recently learned that his WW was pregnant when she left him for the OM 3 weeks ago. There is a small chance the OC is my son's (according to him). WW claims she doesn't know for certainty who the father is, but feels it may be the OM's. ( who is an illegal immigrant)

She has filed D papers. She wants to "move on" with OM. She is not asking for anything from my son at this point.

My son thinks he can do this without attorneys, unless she hires one. If not, he feels he can handle it with mediation only.

We live in Maine. I don't know what the law is regarding unborn children at the time of D.

What happens if the D is final before the child is born? Can she claim afterward that the child is his and demand CS? Can the court demand that she have the baby and determine paternity before they will grant D?

What an evil mess this little tramp has put my son through. I am a mess of emotions and I'm not thinking clearly. I've been through so much shit with my own XWS, and now this. It's driving me mad.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau,

Please tell your son to be careful. I may be wrong ,but I believe that he can be put on the birth certificate and be made to pay child support even if the child is proven not to be his if the child is born while they are still married. In fact I think it may be legal for his WW to list him as the father even if they are divorced since child was conceived while they were still married. Your son should get a lawyer NOW!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
green_eyed_devil
♀ Member
Member # 18139
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau,
Auntcis is right. If they are married the fathers name is almost always automatically put on the birth certificate and he can and will likely be held financially responsible for the child, even if they prove it's not his.

Also in most states divorces can not be done if one party is pregnant. They specifically ask you this. My H wanted out of his M with the OW but she was pregnant so they had to wait until the baby was born to file. I've also known couples to lie about this. My cousin was separated from her husband for 3 years (she tried to file but no one could find him, he was military also). They had both moved on with their lives but never divorced. She found herself pregnant and wanting to marry her baby's father. Finally she found her H and his girlfriend was pregnant also. They agreed that neither would bring up the pregnancy, technically lying under oath, because they both wanted out to be with their new SO.

Your son is in a tough spot. I'd research state laws online, maybe do a couple legal consultations over the phone with lawyers he knows he won't use (so there is no chance of them knowing for sure she's pregnant). Lawyers have to stick to the rules if they know a spouse is pregnant (my cousin and her EXH both represented themselves since they had been separated so long and had no children).

If she has an amino for any reason DNA testing can be done before the child is born. Most judges won't require this because there is a risk of miscarriage and the woman can come back on them. But if she's having one because her Dr's recommends it, it's a simple test. Of course this means the lawyers and judge will know she's pregnant.

I'm sorry your son is in the situation. I wish him the best of luck.


Me FBS 30 Him FWS 31
Together since 3/96, married 03/07
our children D13, S10, S8
EA began 3/02 which lead to their marriage in 7/02, left her 9/03 divorce finalized 10/04
D day 5/02
OC born 5/03,

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Missouri
30sucks
♀ Member
Member # 14963
Helpless  Posted: 9:06 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you forgive?

HOW???

Let alone forget?

He seems remorseful now. But, the trust is gone. How do you get it back? Does it come back?


I had the misfortune of being married to a self absorbed, morally bankrupt human being. ~~12bstrong

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree


Posts: 478 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Virginia
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((30sucks)))

Under our circumstances we unfortunaltly don't get the luxury of forgetting since we have a constant reminder. But it does get easier. OC in our situation will be 11 in April and I just got used to the idea of her exsistence a couple of years ago. I wish more than anything that I could go back in time and stop her conception from happening but I can't so there is no use in dwelling on it and preventing me and my H and our COM from living a happy life. The trust will come back as soon as your H earns it,and the sting from the betrayal will lessen with time. How long it takes is different for all of us.I hope this helps some .


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, 30sucks. auntcis is right, you can't forget cuz OC is a real person--and forgiving may not be possible, at least totally. Have you read Spring's book about forgiveness? She makes the point that you may be able to forgive partially, or maybe not at all and just get to acceptance. That's what I'm aiming for--don't think I'll ever forgive. And that's okay.

One day at a time-- one of your posts said your H is remorseful and wanting to reconcile. It's a long road--keep posting.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
30sucks
♀ Member
Member # 14963
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've wanted to R. I thought that's what I wanted, now I'm not so sure.

I just don't know if I can do this. I mean, I DON'T trust this man. I DON'T respect this man. After this long of a separation, through humiliation and overall hell, I'm not in love with this man anymore.

But, still, I don't know how to let go.

A 1000 reasons to run, but I can't name one to stay (other than our own 2 kids). Why am I still here?

Why can't I just put life on pause? I need a freaking break here!!


I had the misfortune of being married to a self absorbed, morally bankrupt human being. ~~12bstrong

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree


Posts: 478 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Virginia
whynow
♀ New Member
Member # 18406
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On January 28,2008 a call was made to our house from someone claiming to be a 25 year old daughter of my husbands. WOW! We have a 27 year old son and a 23 year old daughter. At first my husband said he didn't even know who that was on the phone. Then, after calling the number back on caller ID he spoke to her as I listened. This daughter said that her mother had slept with my husband and that he is her dad.
Finally, my husband said that he met a lady in a bar when he was drinking and went to her place for sex. Now, remind you we will be married 30 years this year and I knew nothing about an affair. He had this affair about 26 years ago.

Then, he admitted that when she called him to say she was pregnant,he went to her house. She gave him a blowjob and then had sex again. He said that he only had sex twice with her.

I was totally devastated. Right away of course I felt very betrayed and thought that the only solution was to divorce. That same week we found out that this daughter and her mother are crack and heroin addicts. But, they say they are clean now.

When I heard that I couldn't let such people ruin our marriage. Especially when my husband had a drug problem 12 years ago. He was addicted to crack. He cost us about $50,000 in credit card debt. I didn't even know that he had a drug problem until a bill collector called for money. My husband opened up his own Post Office Box!

He eventually went to rehab, lost his job, and got arrested for possession. We had to move away from the area because it was printed in the newspaper.

My kids were in 4th and 9th grade at the time. I stuck by his side then to make our family work. I couldn't afford to be on my own financially. I was waitressing and going to college full time to become a teacher. What pain we went through for all of the drug problems!

He hasn't used crack for about 12 years, but he does drink beer. About 4 - 6 cans a night. He is a good worker and provider. We have been doing well in our lives for quite a while. I have been teaching for 9 years. Believe it or not, I even graduated #1 out of 298 classmates. I was determined!

Taking this shock of an affair was very tough. But I decided to try to make our marriage work because I truly realized how much I love him.

Next shocker: 4 nights ago we received a call from this daughter and mother. I was on the other line while my husband was speaking to them.

I found out that their affair lasted between 3-5 years!! He said that she gave good blowjobs so he would see her here and there.

Now this daughter wants to have her dad in her life after not having one for 25 years. But it is not even sure if he is the father. This lady slept with several men.

I think that they only way now that our marriage can survive is to keep the daughter and mother out of our lives. I don't want a constant reminder of his infidelity.

Also, this daughter's possible drug problems could become more pain for the family if she calls when she is down and out.

What if my husband meets her and gets back into drugs?

Is this too much too ask of my husband to do to keep our marriage?

Please let me know what you think.

Sorry this was so long, but it feels better to tell my story to ease the pain.


Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: West Virginia
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhyNow,

Sorry you find yourself here,but welcome. That's really difficult to find out so many years later. Hell I was pissed when I found out about OC when she was 4 months old,much less more than 20 years old! I did have to wait 11 years to find out the entire truth of the A and that was rough, so I feel your pain there. As far as asking your H to not have this OC in his life I don't think you are asking too much. Some people disagree with us,but my H and I have had NC with OC and don't have any plans to have contact. We don't have contact cause OC mother is a difficult person to deal with to say the least. I would say with all the issues OC in your situation has and what issues may be reintroduced into your marriage I don't think you are out of line for asking your H to stay NC,JMHO.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whynow - I'm sorry you are here. As for your H having contact with this girl:
#1 he is not legally obligated in anyway to have anything to do with her. If she was a minor and it was proven she was his child he would be legally obligated to pay support but in no way can he be forced to have a relationship with her.
#2 if he personally feels like he would want to have some contact with her if she is his he should not consider having anything to do with her until a paternity test is taken to establish he is the father.

As for what you can ask of him - nothing you ask of him is too much in my opinion. If you feel that NC is what you need to fix your M and heal your family then that is exactly what you should ask for.

Good luck.


Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2007
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I just wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing. Thing's have been going O.K. with us,we had a small issue with our taxes cause of a mistake OW made over the summer and $400 of our money ended up going to her. All I can do is hope she is using it for OC like she is supposed to. Other than that OW/OC have dropped off the face of the Earth again,like usual until OW wants to try and start trouble. Our anniversary is soon so she will probably pull something around then. As some of you may remember my FWH finally helped me realize that OW always tries something around our anniversary and the holidays to ruin them. Well try as she may I won't let her ruin special stuff for us anymore .

Well (((hugs))) to all of you that may need it . I hope things are going well for all.

[This message edited by auntcis at 2:41 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those that did dna testing through court order, who paid for it in the end? I've heard that if it comes back negative then OW will have to pay for it. If it is positive then H pays. Is that really how it works? Also, is three weeks standard for getting results back? Or did it take longer?


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In Idaho where we had our DNA testing done through the court had it been determined that my FWH was NOT the father we wouldn't have had to pay for the test,not sure if OW would have had to pay though. Unfortunatly FWH is OC father and we had to repay the state for the cost of the testing. This happened back in 1997 and it cost $250. Hope this helps Also it took a little longer than 2 months for our results to come back.

[This message edited by auntcis at 4:31 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everbody,
I am sooo upset. My H finally decided to have NC with OW but have vistation with the OC when he is at the sitter. It seems to work fine for my H. He seems happy with the arrangement. However, the OW is not so thrilled about the NC. She has stopped attacking me on MySpace - YAY. : ) But she is now attacking my H with text messages everyday. He is not ready to block her messages (I am). The messages consist on how he is a bad father and that she doesn't want the OC to know him and that he needs to walk out of the OC life before he gets hurt. My H just takes it and won't stand up to her. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to rock the boat. What do we do???? I have told him that he needs to have everything set up through the courts but he "doesn't want to rock the boat". I I am so frustrated!!!! I don't know which way to turn. Why is she doing this to us??? Why is he doing this to us??? Hasn't this terrible situation been bad enough???


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Sadmommie))
I am so sorry that you are dealing with more issues with this. The situation is bad enough when there are no boundaries, and there are no clear boundaries here.

Neither one of them want to really deal with this and you will not have any peace with the way this is going. What you H fails to understand is that by putting it thru the courts, she loses some of her rights. She can not withhold the child from him.

This really needs to be done thru the courts because right now she is dicatating everything,he may have NC in place, but it is not working. The courts will put rules and boundaries in place.

My heart really goes out to you. I hope he gets sick of the situation and does what is right for his family.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sadmommie)))

I agree with BMC,please continue to encourage your H to go through the courts. By keeping it out of the courts OW still has all the power and can use OC as a pawn. If the situation with your H seeing OC at a sitters house works for you both then getting set up legally! Then your H won't have to worry about "rocking the boat" and he can tell OW to get lost without the fear of not being able to see OC.

Best of luck to you


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your support. This is the only place I feel that anyone understands. I feel so alone sometimes. How did you begin to accept the OC? I don't care to have him as part of my life or the life of my kids (4 and 1). I just don't know how to look past this constant reminder. I know that he did not ask for this. He will forever be labeled (We live in a small farming community). How do I do it? I keep trying to be the bigger person but it is so hard to do sometimes.

Things have been better with H and I since he began NC with OW. I feel that he has actually committed to our Marriage and family. He wants to move back into the house but I am so scared that he is going to hurt me again (the affair, lies and deception lasted for 9 months after I confronted him). I guess that I don't know what to do in that situation either.

Thanks for listening. : )


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
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