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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sumi,

I am so sorry that your H seems to be putting your feelings last in this situation. Only you know what you can live with. Ok he went and visited her without you and you are right you can't control anyone but yourself, but you can take care of yourself. Think about doing the 180 on him, look into the healing library and see if there is something that can help you.

Check into Canadaian law for yourself and protect yourself and your children in case you decide that you can't live with this situation.

Hugs to you and we are here for you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sumi, sorry he's going to see OC without you-- I've been there and it sucks. I'm glad they won't be alone. Do work on yourself--hugs.

I need to vent, don't need any 2X4's really--do that to myself enough.

As you know, OC is in Europe and we're not--6000 miles between us. H and I had a "talk" yesterday, which left me feeling better in the post-infidelity healing sense, but worse in the dealing with the OC/OW sense.

OW has always been crazy about contact with me, as you know. H and I are now seeing OC together during our visits, which only happen about once every 3 or 4 months so far cuz of the distance and expense, over 3 days. And that's been fine.

But OW has this idea that it's important for OC to see his parents together, being cordial and congenial, discussing him or whatever, what I call living her "family fantasy". H thinks she truly feels this is good for OC and thus is maneuvering to have these little 45 minute sessions with the three of them during pickup, last time it was in a cafe, without me staying with them.

She brought this up cuz OC is old enough to have some separation stuff go on, and needed some transition time between being with mom and going with dad. And I understand that, have had 3 kids of my own who went through that--so I agreed this past visit--and now she thinks it's written in stone.

OC actually had no trouble leaving mom and going with dad, we had good visits with him without any distress from him, and I'm anticipating that she will expect the same setup next visit.

That wish on her part, especially in the terms of being best for OC, is what we discussed last night. And H is totally depressed and despairing of ever resolving this in a way that is best for both OC and us. Not specifically these arrangements I guess, but the overall feeling that if OW doesn't get her way here in some way, it will impact on OC, who after all lives with OW and will defend her points of view as he gets older--he's looking down the years and can't see how it will all work out in a way that is feasible for us and okay for OC.

It's been long enough after d-day for me that most of my paranoia about secret contacts between OW and H has lessened (though I still verify when I can--that will never totally cease), he co-copies my on all emails that might be sent or received, he calls OC from home with me here--and he's working on our own R in a way that is reassuring to me. BUT--how can we get past the contact issues, her fantasy issues, H's guilt issues, my paranoia about all this--it's so hard. I can see why having an OC is a deal breaker in so many cases. It's just so hard.

Not looking for any advice really, just wanted to write out the problem and post--in case someone has had some experience with this or has some hugs!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is just how it ended up in our situation,not saying it is the right choice for all.

I noticed quite a few women are having trouble with FWH wanting to see OC and OW having a problem with BS being present.We had this same problem and I put my foot down and told FWH that if I couldn't be there I didn't want him there and if OW didn't like it too bad. Not that I didn't trust my H but I wouldn't trust OW as far as I could throw her. I had no problem with all 3 of us being present at first so OW could see how I would be with OC,but she wasn't having it.So this kind of cemented the idea ,for me anyway,that she still had the idea of a "happy little family" consisting of my H,OC and her. I told my H that him seeing OC without me present,since OW wouldn't let someone else bring OC to our home or a neutral spot,was unacceptable. I told him that the choice was his in the end, but I couldn't live with OW being in control for the rest of my life. My H chose to fix our marriage and have a life with me and our COM and go NC with OC. He pays his CS each month but we are not part of OC life. We are waiting for the day when OC will likely contact H and we have no problem with that happening. We realize it won't be easy cause her loyalty with be with her mother who raised her,but we are willing to see where it may go so long as her mother is out of the picture. I understand that for some FOW on this site that may seem a bit harsh to you,but this is our situation and our choice and this is how we have decided to deal with it.

I guess my whole point was I think if a FWH really wants to make his marriage work he needs to take his BS's feelings into consideration and as long as she means no harm to OC and if FWH wants contact he needs to make it understood with OW that BS will be present at the visits or there won't be a visit. sorry JMHO.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Wimsey,
Your situation is lousy. OW has a lot of power in your case and she is obviously good at using it to her advantage.

Why can't you be there with your H for the 45 minute "transfer" session?

News on my front is that we had a huge blowout as I'm feeling like I'm pretty well in last place. Blowouts are hard to come back from. I'm so tired of repeating myself 100x. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a cement wall, and guess what --- it HURTS!!!!

I've decided to quit fighting and do the 180. (Thanks for the reminder BMC). I've told him to do whatever he wants, visit whenever he wants without me and I don't even care if anyone else is there or not. I will meet OC the first time he bring him here, whenever that may be. I just don't care anymore. Plus, it's not like I can ever control his actions anyway, if he's intent on having another A or extending this one, I can't stop him or watch his every move.

I have no idea if I can live with this set up for any amount of time or not. I also don't know if it's good for our marriage, but for now it's actually easier to deal with than the cement wall head-banging

Auntcis,
I admire you and your husbands strength. Mine fell to pieces when he thought that NC with the OC was the only way to make me happy. I felt huge guilt and backed off.


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
30sucks
♀ Member
Member # 14963
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having a really hard time y'all. My WH's OW is pregnant. WH says he wants to R. Says he'll go NC, unless I'm present. Sounds good.

I don't trust anymore. I'm scared. I don't know if I can do it. My heart is aching here.

PMS is compounding all of this.


I had the misfortune of being married to a self absorbed, morally bankrupt human being. ~~12bstrong

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree


Posts: 478 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Virginia
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((30sucks)))

Just stick to your guns about being present. I made it clear to my FWH that I would be present at visits or I would be gone all together and when OW put up a fight H went NC. If your H really wants to R he will stick with you and won't make any life changing choices concerning OC without you. Keep your chin up


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
gettinout
♀ Member
Member # 13700
Shutup  Posted: 9:48 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out my pos had a baby with OW.But the kicker is she is in a different country.She was here in april and got pregnant.He has been trying to come back to me all the time not telling me she was pregnant.He told me today.I am so sick I dont even know what to say


me:51 BS
him:47.serial cheater
DD:20
DS:15
Married: 20 years
Too many affairs
1 OC
Too many false R's
Now he is love with another
Update:DIVORCED..not sure I like it but at least it is the truth!!

Posts: 848 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: somewhere
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gettinout)))

This situation really sucks,but I have found that the women in this thread can be very helpful. Keep posting here it does help.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
gettinout
♀ Member
Member # 13700
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even know if she trapped him or it was planned.It is all so confusing...does it matter?


me:51 BS
him:47.serial cheater
DD:20
DS:15
Married: 20 years
Too many affairs
1 OC
Too many false R's
Now he is love with another
Update:DIVORCED..not sure I like it but at least it is the truth!!

Posts: 848 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: somewhere
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case I really do feel like OW got pregnant on purpose to try and get my H to leave me. But in the end it doesn't really matter if she was trying to trap him cause had he not slept with her she wouldn't have gotten pregnant.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
gettinout
♀ Member
Member # 13700
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess so,is it normal to feel alittle jeaslous that he has a child that will or can take away from his own children.I can't even believe i am dealing with this.The girl got pregnant when we were sep for 3 months.However she is the women who broke up our marraige.What does this make all of this beside a mess


me:51 BS
him:47.serial cheater
DD:20
DS:15
Married: 20 years
Too many affairs
1 OC
Too many false R's
Now he is love with another
Update:DIVORCED..not sure I like it but at least it is the truth!!

Posts: 848 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: somewhere
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gettinout)))

It is a messy situation to be in,and I'm so sorry that you are having to face this. But if you are determined that your M is over,please be smart and get a lawyer so that you can make sure that at least financially your COM are taken care of by thier father.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
usedtobloved
♀ Member
Member # 10967
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I used to read this thread and feel so bad for all of you and I always thought my case was small compared to yours. I never thought I would find myself in this situation.

OW had twins, yes not one but two. She kept it from my H for 1 yrs until a friend of her's that works in the same co. as my H thought he should know, then hell broke loose.

The twist on all this is that my H's father abandoned him 21 years ago. While we were in Disney the last week of December, his Father called his cell, yes after 21 years, so the situation with the babies really was killing him inside and he decided to tell me.

He didnt tell me before because he couldnt find a way to tell me (coward).

They live in another state and he went and met the kids, today I am struggling, in so much pain I cant sleep not even with 3 xanax.

I want to stay with him, I love him (call me stupid) but he cant see my pain and he is so into himself that its like he is in a fog, again.

It is even hard to go thru each min of the day.

I have a 22 month old baby that I need to be there for and I cannot find the strength to do this, please help.


"Love is a fire.
But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house,
you can never tell."

DDAY 01/06 - "BitchSlapMe"


Posts: 3821 | Registered: Jun 2006
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((utbl)))

First off,I'm so sorry you have found yourself here.

My H OW waited until OC was 4 months old before we found out and that was only because she filed for CS. H didn't even know OW was pregnant. But I tell you what,the first thing we did was get a paternity test. Is your H even sure that these kids are his? Please don't let him be stupid and start taking responsibility for kids that he isn't absolutely positive are his. Also,you didn't mention if you and your H are trying for R,if not get yourself a lawyer and make sure that baby of yours is taken care of. The OW and OC in our case live in another state as well and my H is NC,but whether or not there is contact is a personal choice for everyone. Keep posting here,it does help. Keep your chin up and be strong for your baby. And please especially if you and H are trying to R make sure he gets a paternity test. It seems to me that a woman wouldn't wait to tell the father of her child,MM or not for over a year. Insist on a test. Good luck to you.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
usedtobloved
♀ Member
Member # 10967
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we are in R but he is pushing me away from this issue, like I have no say, like its not my business, he doesnt want a paternity test, he say he is sure they are his.


"Love is a fire.
But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house,
you can never tell."

DDAY 01/06 - "BitchSlapMe"


Posts: 3821 | Registered: Jun 2006
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is stupid if he doesn't get a test!

And if he is going to decide to have any dealings with OC without you, you are not in R. Only you are trying. Protect your child, if OW goes and get CS before you she will get more money. If she convinces your H to sign an Affidavit of Paternity and he is not the OC father he will still be responsible.

He needs to put your family first. You know that I am going thru, please protect yourself.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 7:06 PM, January 24th (Thursday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

agree w/BMC0145. He HAS to get a paternity test. In the case of my H's OW, she had three potential fathers to get tested. We opted for a prenatal DNA test through an online service. It came back that H is most likely the father. He still is not going to concede legal paternity until the hospital does the test after the OC is born.
Everything about this is your business. If you both are serious about R, then these children will be in your life forever, in one way or another. There are tons of implications for finances, visitattion if that's what BOTH of you decide. Don't let either him or her call all of the shots. When I first found out, I told him that I needed to know immediately of any conversation, e-mail, or whatever that happened between the two of them. And so far, he comes home every day with a report of anything that has happened, which thankfully hasn't been very much. We make a point of discussing everything about the situation to make sure there are no misunderstandings. Please, please, make sure he knows how you feel. That should be the most important thing if he really wants to R. Another part of our agreement is that he cannot see her, regardless of reason, unless I am present, at least for a long time. She lives in Cincinnati and us in Columbus, so far so good.
Above everything else, take care of yourself and your family. I hope everything works out for you. This post has been very helpful for me and everyone on here is very supportive. Keep posting, it does help.
Hugs!!!


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
usedtobloved
♀ Member
Member # 10967
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I gave him the power of calling the shots, i am terrified of him leaving me so i am being like a scary puppy in a corner, and i cant help it, i try but i love him so much.


"Love is a fire.
But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house,
you can never tell."

DDAY 01/06 - "BitchSlapMe"


Posts: 3821 | Registered: Jun 2006
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UTBL- What happens if they aren't his and he ends up paying for 18 years of child support when that money should have gone towards you and your child? I know you love him, but don't let him call the shots because then he will just walk all over you and you will regret it in the end. If he gets mad because you want him to do something just to get answers, well thats childish. I know you love him and you want to stay with him. But at the same time, its going to eat at you if you don't know fo sure if these kids are his. Believe me, I know. Ask him if he really cares about your or his family and if he says yes, then politely but firmly tell him to get the testing done. Tell him that if these kids are his, then you are willing to accept them, but thats only after it is medically proven.
You aren't stupid for loving him. Hell, I still love my H even when this oc could be his and he could have continued the affair as a result, well after dday.
But for peace of mind, please try to get the test done. If you don't then you will be in the same boat I am and will always ask yourself the "what ifs" and those will drive you insane.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
usedtobloved
♀ Member
Member # 10967
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thats the problem, he is willing to leave the marriage if I oppose to any of his demands.


"Love is a fire.
But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house,
you can never tell."

DDAY 01/06 - "BitchSlapMe"


Posts: 3821 | Registered: Jun 2006
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