Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
I am new here. I found out that my H of 7yrs had an affair (I confronted him last April). About a week after the confrontation, I learned that the OW was pregnant. We have two kids of our own (4 and 1). My H said that he wanted to work things out but quickly showed that he was not 100% into it. He was taking the OW to dinner and lunches and calling her on a regular basis b/c of the baby. I couldn't take it anymore and decided to move out in November. At that point, my H made a complete turn around. He is now the H that I deserved and the Dad that kids deserve. wew were trying to begin working on things and the OC was born on Dec. 11. I have been in crisis mode ever since. My H wants C with the OC and recognizes that it is almost impossible to do it without the OW. My H will do anyhting that I want him to do. I just don't know what is best. I am trying to decided if I can handle all of this to make my marriage work. I hope this make some sense. I am so very confused.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

H had meeting with OW today to let her know that I will be there when he sees the child and that paternity test will be required.

She's been reasonable up to now (but I guess that was based on everything being on her terms and a nice amount of extra $$) Well, today, she completely lost it. She got very angry with him and said she didn't want me there and that she can't believe he would think she "slept around" that theres no other man, blah, blah.

My H is really upset and I feel badly for him, at the same time she is nuts to think that she can make the rules here. The impending birth makes the whole situation that much more tense.

I'm shaking ladies. Here we go again, another roller coaster.


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi New Mommie,
So sorry to meet you here in this difficult place.

I got my head around the whole thing by making the OW and "ex OW" and thinking of the child as if H had been married before we met and this child was from a previous relationship.

If your H is prepared to treat it this way, I think it could work, but there are so many unknowns because of OW.

This is what I'm trying. OC due in a few weeks, so tensions are high right now and I have no idea if my plan will come anywhere near working.

Hugs


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sumi,
Don't back down no matter what either H or OW say. You have a god-given right to be there, not to mention and marital one. What did she expect, that you would just take her word for it that H is the father? Also, since the child is so young, pick-up/drop-off might be difficult. I don't see why you would always have to meet at her place. My counselor says that in a situation like that, the visitation location is usually split, to maintain a kind of neutral setting. That way, there is not the constant possibility of unbearable tension at every visit. My H's OC is due at the beginning of June, so we are not to that phase yet. Keep us posted, I am very interested to know how that gets worked out. Take care.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks,
I am just not sure what i can handle. The OW just posted a picture of the "little family" on Myspace. Now I have proof of another lie from my H about the last visit he had with them. He keeps my head twisted but I think that I am starting to see the light.
Thanks for the hugs. They are always welcomed. :)


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need some insight.H and I went down to the courthouse/clerks office in OW's county to find out if she really did file anything. It wasnt in the system and the clerks office child support receptionist said that she could have filed at the department of revenue. So, OW's grandparents, which is where she lives too, live literally ten minutes away from the courthouse. So we went to see if OW was home to confront her about why nothing was in the system. She wasn't there because she was called into work. SO then we got back into the car and drove five minutes to a gas station pay phone. By the time H called, OW's grandmother had called her to let her know she was pissed that H came over looking for her! H asked where she filed and she then told us that she filed at the departmet of revenue, like she couldn't have told us that in the first freaking place!
Now my question is, why would you file at the department of revenue when you live ten minutes from the courthouse itself?


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, H and I have an agreement that he will let me know about all communications btwn him and OW. He's been printing any e-mail which is the only way he's been in contact so far. I get an e-mail that he printed yesterday about how excited she is about her ultrasound pictures. She went into great detail about what each one was and ended the e-mail with something like "I hope you all enjoyed these pictures as much as I did, even though that probably isn't possible." I though she meant, the two of us, he didn't tell me that she sent this same e-mail to all of her friends, he was included b/c he is the father. I wanted to puke, hearing her talk about how excited she is. this from the girl (I say girl b/c she is 22) who never wanted to be married, never wanted to have kids. And we have to find an attorney. She is on a medical card from the state, and they are going to sue him, even though that isn't necessary. He has already to pay child support, he just needs to know how much. Now it has to go to court. If anyone knows a good family attorney in the Columbus or Cincinnati area, I would love to know about it. Thanks for everyone's continued support on this site. I don't think I would still be sane otherwise.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I said that I was not going to post on this forum ever again, but there are so many things here being said that really make me sad that I feel I have to say something.

Sumi, I am concerned that your H is meeting with OW and making plans before test is confirmed. That is why she is not being reasonable anymore because she had this false sense that they are going to be some little family. If he wanted to meet with her anyway, you should have been present when he was telling her anything. Please for your own sanity do not allow him to be with OW alone.

I went thru this for 9 months past d-day. My H knew that he wanted our life together and he knew that I would be upset anytime he had contact with OW, but he could not stop himself from speaking with her because she kept pressing on his heart strings and he felt that he owed her something for "ruining her life".

This goes to everyone who is dealing with this. When you are not present during any communication, they can still pretend you don't exist, it may be just the OW living this fantasy or she may suck your H back into something that H may have not intentionally wanted to do. Most of them consider the OC has a hold that they have on your spouse. We BS did not do anything wrong and it is sad that we are here second guessing ourselves.

SadMommie, welcome here and I am very sorry for the pain that you are feeling. Again I say to you, he should not be having any kind of communication without you. The fact the the OW is putting pictures of her "little family" out there means to me that the lines have not been drawn, right now she is settling for what she is getting from him thinking she can get more later. I am not saying this to hurt you, I just want you to look real hard at the situation.

Firstand Third, how are you? Check with the state, if you have an agreement in place, they don't have to necessarily sue you. Our OW is on the State and we are working with the courts to first of all determine paternity, we might have to pay for it later, but at least it will be done. And child custody and support. I know my situation is a little different but it doesn't hurt to look into things.

Dust I had answered you back in the PM.

I have gained so much love and support from this site and I am going to try to get over my feelings that I was feeling over the past several weeks. We have about 3 more weeks until DNA tests results and custody is decided. And for those that did not see my post in general, the OW stole the social security check we were suppose to get for OC by just calling them on the phone and telling them she had custody of her kids back and they sent her the money when we had to go there and show proof that we have had the OC since October. I wish I could say it gets easier and in a way it does, a weight has been lifted off of me now that I know there is no contact between my H and OW and he and I are making decisions together about our family including the OC.

Everything is not all roses but we are trying. Everyone please keep your head up. Hugs.

EDIT: I know I sounded a little preachy last night but I just want all us to protect ourselves.

My life is a prime example of why you should not play daddy before you have concrete evidence with DNA. The state gave us physical custody of 3 kids with no proof that my H is their father just because OW said so and he said so. They have provided little if no assistance and were willing to permanently give them to us, without proof, until I demand a DNA test. They even tried to talk my H out of taking the test. So now I have 3 OC to love and support while the OW is out having the time of her life. She has 6 kids total and does not have custody of any of them.

The state workers actually tried to make me feel guilty that these OC would go into foster care if they turned out not to be my H. They are so bonded to your family is the guilty trip they tried to lay on me. I had to tell them that by giving these OC to my H without DNA proof, he never signed anything and he is not on their birth certcifate, they still have no legal father. A loophole that would have hurt all of us later. You are asking me and my kids to turn our lives upside down and we don't have concrete proof that these are my H kids. NOT!!

So we will get the results before the 1/29 court date and then we will deal with it no matter how it goes. They will either be his legal kids or we will try to be their foster parents.

What I am saying is protect yourself and your own children!!! No one is going to but you and you spouse if they are fully working with you in this situation. Emotions run very high in a situation like this. some OW actually are about the OC, but most are not, they are just trying to stay connect some how some way, even if it is negatively. That is why if your H can not include you in the decisions, visitation, communication or anything else concerning the OC, you really need to look at the situation.

Again hugs to you all.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 12:12 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC - excellent post. Very very sound advice. Hugs to you for the strength, grace and dignity you continue to show in spite of the hard road.

To everyone: BMC is right on target. NO CONTACT with OW without the BS present. This is imperative. DNA is a must - whether you intend to pursue contact with OC or not.

It may seem that the OW will be reasonable or the courts will do what is just for all concerned, but please know, and I say this from very personal experience, that this will NOT be the case.

You, the BS, have done nothing wrong. You have the right to protect yourself and your COM. There are many who make contact work; there are many who choose no contact and make that work. But you must take this step by step - to protect everyone involved.

Our CS system has very big loopholes in which the COM in this situation and the BS in this situation get financially thrown under the bus. And then made to feel guilty about it. Be prepared for you, the BS, to be told to "get over it", that your civil rights mean nothing, that you have no right to privacy ... all b/c OW has OC. These things are not true. You and your COM have rights protected by our Constitution, that are not negated b/c some other woman had a child with your H. It is up to you to work with your H and set up boundaries that are comfortable for you and protect you and the COM. Then you both have to work to maintain those boundaries.

I know how this hurts. I am about 18 months from our last Dday; H had a LTA that resulted in two OC. On top of that there has been Identity Theft, forgery, mail fraud, check kiting and insurance fraud -- all perpetrated by the OC's mother. The court system has taken thousands of dollars without benefit of receipts to pay for an alleged nanny that never existed, calculated CS for OC without properly calculating support for COM and believed the OC's mother when she stated that she makes minimum wage even though she claims to have a $5000 a month overhead of expenses.

It took myself, a lawyer and my H to get relief from most of that. And now we live with huge debt b/c while the OC's mother was collecting more than 50% of H's income we had to put groceries on a credit card. It took me months to find a job that would pay for daycare and still have money to contribute to our basic necessities of life. It has been a very long road -- and we are still cleaning up all of the fraud and ID theft stuff. B/c no one wants to prosecute the OC's mother.

Sorry to be so long winded, I tell you b/c I want you to know how very important it is to take a step back and look at the situation with as little emotion as possible. Look at your CS laws. Look at the finances. Contact or no contact - very personal choice - but one that the OW has no say in. An OW cannot block access to the father of the child. An OW cannot demand contact from the father of the child. And you, his wife, have the right to be present. If you and your H choose to incorporate OC into your family, then go to court and get it. If OW doesn't like it - tough. She chose to mess around with a MM and then have his child. She doesn't get to play happy family. She gets to play the cards that she dealt.

Good luck to all. I carry you in my heart, even if I don't post much. You are traveling a tough road, but you can make it. You are not alone.

Hugs to all,
SVS



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW! So many new faces in just a few short months and one I know from another board. Hi Blessed
!

A few pages back someone can't remember who asked for a couple of us to come back. I never left girls, just trying to catch up with life from the spider bite and then the holidays and such.
Before I go into anything I hope that dispite it all everyone had a wonderful and peaceful holiday. My family came up and as great as it was I am so happy it's all over with.

First of all! BMC I am so glad DNA has finally happened! Bout time. I truely liked what I heard too. That either they will be legaly your h or you will foster them. And the ow stole her kids money? Is SS going to do anything about this?

Speaking of DNA I have read it here tonight and other places regarding how the ow can be mad over the mm asking for a dna test....well I can explain that at least by my feelings when it first came up. Please remember while reading this it was my first reaction only!

Through out the relationship converstaion comes up between mm and ow about if ow is sleeping with anyone else and as sick as it sounds it can be that ow is only being "true" to that mm. It happens as in me. I was with only one person and that was mm. heck there was no time to even considre it and when I did he made me feel so guilty about it it was not worth the effort of it. Kwim? Some mm say they are not sleeping with there wives some do.....in my case xmm said he was NOT. I now do not believe him, but this is how I felt when he first asked me......What? here I was only sleeping with one person and you TWO and your asking me? He literlly knew my every move always. Don't ask me how he was able to do this leading this other life but he was. But when he asked me although this went through my head not once did I say to him you've got to be kidding me...and also logic came to me. If I give him this without hesitiation once this test is done he can't lie as bad about this or ever deny he is bio parent. So I told him quickly okay......no problem. He then told me to see how it's done and get back to him (I am still pregnant). I did and I did get back to him and he was well I want it done now......do the amino and I'll pay for it. So I knew they would want to do an amino on me since they found she had a 2 vessle cord in U/S and my age so I said OKay. He told me to set it up and I DID. ladies he did a no show not once but twice. I gave him a second chance after setting it up through my doctors office and the lab which is how I know he did a no show and at that point I knew he knew it was his.

It was at that point I got an attorney when I tried to work with him. I offered for him to choose an attorney and I would split all cost with him and come to a fair decission regarding CS for oc.

Instead we both ended spending over 15 grand a piece for attorny's, he still had to pay a fair amount of cs (I still never asked for him to pay what the real % of what he would have had to pay off his income range), OC was his, he swore to his attorney and his wife there is no way in hell it could have been his, and in the end the results were she is.

I guess although long winded my point is, if the the ow freaks out over DNA testing don't be so quick to judge her for those actions. Chances are it's harmones and the fact that regardless if fantacy or not she felt something for your husband and your husband help deal that hand.

Do I think you should ask for dna testing?? Oh you bet. And you can always put it this way......it PROCTECT all parties involved most importantly the oc. The oc knows for a fact whose Dna they have. kwim? I have told ow who have been upset with this hey it protects you and oc just as much as mm. Don't hesitiate don't look back go and make those arrangements and get it done ASAP.

Okay that was my long winded sermon for the reason why some ow get so upset over being told to do dna. Hope it makes you understand a bit more.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello mary

good to hear from you

thanks for sharing about your life. h, d & I spent a peaceful Christmas at home and a peaceful New Years with older d & sil at their home.
as always step-children were welcome but not allowed by their mother.

and I agree with you totally that DNA testing benefits and protects the child conceived out of wedlock

I guess although long winded my point is, if the the ow freaks out over DNA testing don't be so quick to judge her for those actions.

I dont know if I judged the surrogate in my case, but I tried to understand, if it were me, would reason would she have to refuse DNA and what I came up with was 1) she wasnt for sure if they children belonged to my h or 2) she didnt want to give up her control---DNA=court ordered visitationa and cs and takes most of the her ability to manipulate using her children away---most, not all, because even with court ordered visitation, people can still put the kids in the middle and play games


Chances are it's harmones and the fact that regardless if fantacy or not she felt something for your husband and your husband help deal that hand.

Understand what you are saying and I agree with you that the ws had a part in what the OW believes (real or fantasy). But to me at least, as a bs, that is something the ow needs to let go, she needs to stop holding on to the r she had with the bs's h. And it comes across (talking in general terms not in regard to you) that the OW expects the man to trust her and take her word for it, when the fact of the matter is whether the man was sleeping with his wife or not, the ow KNEW he had a wife and KNEW she didnt know about their r, but yet the OW didnt have any problem contributing to the deception. So it can be questioned (doesnt mean it is true) about where would she draw the line and how does the mm know she wasnt sleeping with someone else.

You can be married and live in the same house and NOT know your spouse is sleeping with someone else, so how can anyone say that you can know for sure that an affair partner who you see in secret, an hour here and there, isnt sleeping with someone else.

God Bless You
Ann


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, January 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This problem of communication with OW is so hard and complex--and irrational as H's OW can be, she's not a drug addict or thief or any of the other problem types I've read about here--and it's still an ongoing source of conflict and pain. Nature of the situation with an OC, I guess.
H just had his biweekly phone call to OC and update from OW--they're in Europe remember, so this is a regular thing, on the phone, and we don't see them but 3 or 4 times a year. Baby is almost 2 so mostly listens, but he does know H's voice, so it's good. I know this, but it's still so hard since the conversations have to go through OW--plus H and OW have discussions about OC and his various problems or whatever. And I'm in the room, listening--not a private thing.

So I tell myself, be content with the setup--but it's so hard for the paranoia to not raise its ugly head--are they communicating during the day while they're at work?? After two+ years of no private contact, I don't think so, but I still don't trust enough--don't know if it's her or him I don't trust the most--I think I don't trust him in the sense of having a more emotional R with her, even if it's over the baby, so easy to slip into something more personal. Her I don't trust at all--still wants to be close to H and I think would jump at the chance of restarting their A, but I may be wrong.

And he claims he tells me of any communications she instigates, and sends me the emails they have occasionally about the work project.

I'm writing here cuz I don't want to vent to H--don't want the times of their phone calls to be completely negative reinforcement for H and me--so easy for me to slip into accusations or arguments when I'm churned up by their phone contact. Thanks for being here, SI'ers.

We still have to have the discussion about how to handle the next visit in the spring--things involving real people just change so much, especially a kid who grows and goes through stages--won't be winter anymore, we won't have a car next time, how do we pick him up this trip??? Someday, we will just go to OC's house, pick him up, and leave with him--but she's so irrational about me being near her digs, she walks to a restaurant or somewhere with OC to meet H, whom I've walked to the same place--it's so childish, but I won't put up with H going to her house alone, but it's so CONSTANT, the negotiations, the nuttiness, the tears, the arguments, puts a crimp in our reconciliation.

I don't know how you do it, those of you who live close by to OC, but I guess I read enough about the ups and downs that I see it's no better than being far away, just different.

Oh well, phone call is over, we're going off to Home Depot (our usual Sunday afternoon date lately), and continue on with our life together. Wierd still though to include all this shit of the infidelity and OC--what a life we all lead.

Hugs to all.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, January 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blessed I hear ya loud and clear. I am talking more so of first reaction. I was mordified when xmm asked me although I did not let on to him I was. See I'm a stubborn gal and full of pride. I was not about to show him any sorrow over his actions or my reactions of his actions. No way No way No way.
When he told me he wanted nc with oc......I was like Okay Fine. If that is what you want. I have never ever re -entered that conversation or asked him to change his mind or plead with him or 2nd guess him or anything. I told him she will be fine with or without you. Your choice. Of course it killed me for my daughter's sake but like I said I'm stubborn and strong and proud. I have never called him or bothered them/him once over anything. His wife (by some of the stories I've read here) is very lucky that if she has to deal with this, she got me. Now don't get me wrong I won't allow him to walk on me or her, but as far as oc goes.....it is what it is. She is fine. She has her little fantancy's but really I'm sure it's normal.

Wimsey. I think that if your oc lived closed to you guys your husband would have (hopefully he would have) gone the legal route and she would not be doing 1/4 of what she is allowed to get away with.

I know your mental plate is full with knowing at some point you have to tell your adult kids and dealing with the phone conversations etc. By what I've heard your trust issues are normal. And really as a woman I can understand your trust issues over it. Hang tough Wimsey!

Oh Blessed one more thing. When I said about regardless if it was fantacy or not. I think you misunderstood part of my point.
While in that fantacy with mm and right after it's not always so easy to just jump out of it. Right or wrong. We are all humans and you know us woman. And depending on the relationship time it can take awhile. Just like they say it takes a good two years for a bs to get over the affair. I think the same holds true for the ow even espacially went reailty of it all its. She may not want to even be around him, but she too has to go through the greiving process. All the different stages etc.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi fellow fighters!

I'm so sorry for the heartache you all have to deal with everyday. My OC not born yet but already so much pain and tensions so high now that its due any day, so much unresolved.

I swing from being convinced that we can cope with this and stay together to wondering if this is all worth it or if I should just pack up and move on with my life. (Imagine the peace of never again having to deal with OW/OC!!!)

The toughest is when I feel like I'm the only interested in facing the music and dealing with it. Sometimes H shuts off and wants no more discussion, gets angry when I ask to have my 3 lousy points clearly communicated (DNA, access with me, meetings with me). Then I think "why? why should I be the one doing the work here?? Do I really care if we stay together or not??"

The reality is that it's not like I'm looking forward to seeing OW with or without OC - Hello, who would be!? This is all to support him and to set the boundaries and expectations. He doesn't see it that way.

OW threatens with going to court and he crumbles. I told him he may as well face that sooner or later he will need to go to court or through lawyers and whatever, but he thinks that by being nice to her he can avoid all that. He is paranoid because of the CS laws in Canada - she will get a LOT of money - and he is hoping that she will settle for a bit less if agreement is made out of courts. So she has this power over the situation.

Most of you have decided to stick with your H and work through this situation. What makes you agree to deal with all this and keep on going?


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sumi,
My OC is still 5 months from being born and I feel very similar to how you do. 1 day I feel very confident that we can make it through this and the next, like there's about as much chance of that as a snowstorm in July. I'm sure it must just get worse as the due date approaches. I really don't know what makes me want to work it out, especially since we have only been married for 10 months. As ridiculous as this sounds, for some reason my instincts are to trust him. Surprisingly enough, our MC says to go with my instincts. He has done everything he can so far to make this as right as possible. He is always up for any conversation I want to have, even when I get really mad. I don't know why I chose to stay with him. I know I will feel like a real idiot if he ever pulls this crap again. Hang in there everyone. One way or the other, we'll all get through this.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sumi, Not sure if you have seen my name on here at all,it has been a while since I posted here. My H has NC with OC, but does pay his CS each month. Something you wrote in your last post sent up a warning flag that I wanted to share with you. You mentioned that your H wants to avoid going to court because OW will receive a lot of $$ if you go through the system. Well I am not sure about the system in Canada, but the system in the state where OW/OC live(not NY like us) we tried paying CS without going to court and when OW went on public assistance she denied that we had ever paid anything to her and the state ended up ordering back CS even though we had paid so she go DOUBLE for that time. We were stupid and didn't keep good records of what we had paid to her. So if you decide to avoid the system keep good records of what you pay to OW, but even if you do pay her and it isn't the amount that would have been ordered had you gone through the system you may end up paying back the difference if OW ever does decide to go to court. Personally I think it is best to go through the courts to begin with. In our situation at least it prevented OW from playing financial games with us. OW in our situation recently hinted at going for more CS trying to get my H to send her more money, but changed her mind when we called her bluff. Best of luck to you.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

im several states even if you can prove you gave funds to the OW, they will be considered a gift in the absence of a court order

mary

I knew you were talking about inital reaction. And while I wish my h never betrayed me, I think you and I could get along very well, and your girl would feel loved in both homes.

Oh Blessed one more thing. When I said about regardless if it was fantacy or not. I think you misunderstood part of my point.
While in that fantacy with mm and right after it's not always so easy to just jump out of it. Right or wrong. We are all humans and you know us woman. And depending on the relationship time it can take awhile. Just like they say it takes a good two years for a bs to get over the affair. I think the same holds true for the ow even espacially went reailty of it all its. She may not want to even be around him, but she too has to go through the greiving process. All the different stages etc.

I think I did understand what you meant. Sorry if I didnt communicate it well. I do understand what you are saying that the OW may have difficult and goes through a greiving process, I get that. While I can understand it and I would (have been) willing to recognize it in my situation, sometimes the bs giving too much consideration to the OC situation, will only make matters worse and the OW doesn't get over it. Almost 2 1/2 years down the road and sometimes I wonder if I should have just said DNA, and court ordered visitation & cs or hit the road. And I asked this question earlier and didnt get much of a response from the OW here, but what visible indications do the OW believe would be an indication of the OW's sincerity about her interest being only about the child's best interest.

You seem to be an exception to the rule. Most OW I have had conversations with do not recognize their error and continue to project blame at the wife, MM, etc.

On ever board you go to, you can read volumes about what the bs 'should' do to accomodate the OW/OC.

But I would really like to hear from some of the OW here, what they did that they believed was the effort they put forth to demonstrate their sincerity about the only interest being the child.

If there is any contact at all, I honestly do not see how anyone can justify a child being forced to be excluded from siblings and their step-mother for more than an introductory period for the child to get to know an feel comfortable with the father. Past that, I think any demand for exclusion of the wife is a deliberate attempt to further intrude on the marriage.

Sure, initially, there will be things said, tempers flare, etc, but I am not referring to the inital phase. And really how long even if a bs does show consideration for what the OW is feeling, should she be expected to put her life on hold, to allow interference in her home and her family.

On the flip side, I would be willing to bet that most of the OW with OC, that move on and maybe start seeing someone else, would never agree to the MM telling them that the could not longer see their own child if the new bf--is around.

You are an exception. And I think the lives of many children and adults would be much more peaceful if more OW would take responsibility for their actions as you have. You recognize the impact on your children, instead of thinking there will be no impact and you have been proactive in trying to address it and minimize the possible negative influence.

God Bless You
Ann


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you. If oc's dad wanted to be in her life and that would mean with his family wife, kids and whoever else in his family, kwim? That is what it is with blended familes and all the adults have to take the all of the kids emotional well being to heart. It's the only way it could work for any blended family.

Depending on the child's maturity as well and when that child became a part of the father's life there is no reason for that child/ren to have to stay in the pressence of the mother and never with the father's family. It's not healthy. NOW in my case, with my 3 year old I think if he were to come into her life today she would freak all out if I just said okay I'll drop her off at 2 and see ya or tell him to just come get her. Even if I have a new babysitter I take her first to meet her and hang out before I just drop her off.

But when she knows it's okay by my actions with the other person she is normally okay with it and may say don't go, but is off playing and doing her thing before I even start my car up kwim? Even with my twins who are 9 now I still introduce them and hang out to make sure they are fine with a new sitter and they are social butterflies, but you just never know. That is just good parenting.

It's hard to not take it personal when it comes to our kids. And as Wimsey has even expressed her adult kids. No matter how our kids got here, they are given to us to nuture, protect, guide them into adulthood and hope and pray for the best.

Sumi, I know your husband thinks that it could work out, but look what wimsey is going through. Tell your husband to go to court and get it all in writing. If nothing else, hire an attorney to draw up the paperwork and have it filed with the courts. It all parties agree (and if she is willing to NOT go to court, she should NOT have a problem with this) it does not have to be a drug out nasty process. I don't remember are you guys having contact or not?


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NOW in my case, with my 3 year old I think if he were to come into her life today she would freak all out if I just said okay I'll drop her off at 2 and see ya or tell him to just come get her. Even if I have a new babysitter I take her first to meet her and hang out before I just drop her off.

I agree with you and would do the same.

But when she knows it's okay by my actions with the other person she is normally okay with it and may say don't go, but is off playing and doing her thing before I even start my car up kwim?

I know exactly what you mean. And I dont think some OW even realize their children will follow their lead. Even when they are very young they can sense when a parent is uncomfortable. And actually, that is why I think in regards to making contact work with the OC & married father (assuming he is pursuing c), most of the responsibility lies with the mother of the OC, and not the step-mother.

Somehow and for some reason, too often, the OW doesnt move on and they for whatever reason wont or cant let go of control. And they fail to see what they are teaching their children and how it effects their lives.

Even with my twins who are 9 now I still introduce them and hang out to make sure they are fine with a new sitter and they are social butterflies, but you just never know. That is just good parenting.

I still even observe our d--who is 16---when it comes to a new environment or new situation to her.:) Like any mother, I want to protect her as much as I can, but without hindering her growth or interfer with her activities and relationships with others that are age appropriate.

It's hard to not take it personal when it comes to our kids. And as Wimsey has even expressed her adult kids. No matter how our kids got here, they are given to us to nuture, protect, guide them into adulthood and hope and pray for the best.

I agree.

Sumi, I know your husband thinks that it could work out, but look what wimsey is going through.

I agree. Not doing things legally, will just increase the probability of conflict.

I could probably get along fine with Mary without any court documents, but it is rare that an OW has her insight, parenting skills, communication skills, and a willingness to get along for the sake of her children. More often than not, they are too busy making demands that c will be their way or no way. And why then take that stand, I think sometimes it can actually like pour fuel on a fire, when you let things go and 90% of the time just agree to avoid conflict.

My h still has no interest in any legal action and who suffers the most isnt me or our 2 d, it is the 2 children who have never had the opportunity to step in our home because of their mother's unwillingness to carry her own sin and instead holds onto the past as some sort of justification for her selfishness and behavior.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

First of all thank you all so, so, so much for all your support and advice. I have tried to take it all in and apply it, but it takes two to tango and I'm hitting a wall.

OC now born. H got call a few days after as there were minor complications. He wants to go to see OC tomorrow at OW home - without me. I have stopped fighting it. Not worth it. He knows very clearly where I stand and why, but he doesn't get it.

He says other people will be there and thinks that will make it ok.

My attitude at this point is "do whatever you want and in a few months I'll decide if I can live with it or not".

It seems that the only thing I truly have control over in this situation is me, meaning that I can decide if I stay or if I go.

I'm very sad and disappointed as yesterday was one of those days on which I thought we just may be able to make all this work.

This forum is my lifeline. Thank you all for being here and sharing your experiences and your wisdom.


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.