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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First and Third, everyone's position is different about contact during the pregnancy--ours was that H wouldn't see her, attend OB visits, see sonograms, etc.--she would call with updates, but I just couldn't handle him seeing her and having her pretend they were a family , or at the very least a happy couple expecting her first child.

I can't imagine wanting to go to a baby shower either--but maybe your OW is a more reasonable person. But I sure wouldn't have agreed that H go without me--fortunately, that didn't come up for us. It was hard enough as it was, hearing about the doctor visits, and all that pregnancy stuff.

A lot of people feel that the pregnancy is a time for BS and WS to work on their marriage, have NC with OW, and wait for the baby to arrive to negotiate how the fathering will be handled. I know that afterwards, it's hard to deal with OC issues, contact issues, and the issues around what the infidelity did to the marriage--it's a tremendous amount of stressful discussion, work, and negotiations, not to mention the legal part of it.

Just my two cents.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sumi…I’m sorry to hear about your situation. My OC was from a ONS also. He didn’t even know her name. We’ve been in C w/ the OC for over a year now and it is still hard. And fortunately OC (2yrs) is a great and lovable child but guess what it still sucks. I commend you for trying to think of the situation as and “ex-w’ but dammit at the end of the day, the reality is that our men betrayed US and made that child and that STINKS. We have nothing to do w/ her and we deal w/ OC only but the betrayal burns everyday. But my advice and suggestion is to stand your ground, it’s the least we can hold on to. The emotional turmoil is constant and is up and down. You’ll have your good days and then you’ll have your bad days. Remember that you are the better person and it was HER choice to bring this child to term and she gets only what you guys give her.

Firstandthird…I’m so sorry it came back positive. As mentioned, time does help make it better, but you know what. The existence of that child is lifetime reminder of the betrayal. It is sad that this world continues to exists this way. I wish there was somehow that people could learn to stop the hurting, stop the infidelity. I wish some how people would stop pretending that it is okay. I can only hope that at least we betrayed women on this forum can teach our children better, teach our sons better, teach our daughters better. also, i would totally agree on passing w/ the baby shower. such an event is suppose to be a celebration, how do you celebrate such an event when there is so much hurt involved. we BS are not carpets who are here to be puppets. we are humans too with a heart and soul, both which have been mangled.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
lostsahm
Member
Member # 17136
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, it's been 6+ weeks since WH has talked to OW. He hasn't seen her since mid-october. She told me on December 19 that she was pregnant, but refused to tell WH.

Soooo, after much discussion, we called last night. He called her, she answered and asked ,"who is this?"

That is dumb, because, she obviously knows who it is.

Then he asks here if she is pregnant. She replies, "I don't want to talk to you anymore." He repeats the question, she repeats the answer and she hangs up.

So, it was maybe a 10-15 second conversation and she refused to answer the question if she is pregnant.

Do you think she is full of it? Why wouldn't she just say yes, especially if she already told me?

I'm very confused and we are both wondering why she is completely messing with us. ANy ideas?


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2007
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lots,
I suggest you drop it and wait. If she doesn't ask for money or anything else, drop it and figure that she's messing with you.

If she really is pregnant and really thinks it's his she will be back to ask for support and you can go down the path of all that crap then.


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Crazed,
How often do you see the OC? How do manage pick up/drop off? do you go along or do you send your H on his own? (ouch, stomach in knots) Do you have any other kids?

Does your family know? What about special occasions? Do you have OC over for family events like Christmas???

You can see that I'm trying to get my head around what to expect here -- What a bizarre and crazy life I have now found myself in!

With regard to the babyshower -

couldn't get me to go there. That's for OW and who ever forms her support network. Certainly not you, spare yourself the pain.


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long does it take for the paternity test to be done? We called OW today and she said she had to go in December 17th to file some more papers. They told her then that it would take six months from that day to get a paternity hearing and then another month to two months for results. The child was born October 3 or 4, and supposedly h went with ow to file for paternity testing sometime before Halloween. I know it was done before November 1st. So, why would it take an additional six months from december? Is that a normal time frame?


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
clv40
♀ Member
Member # 14409
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dust, something doesn't sound right. In most Florida counties you can check online to see if there's a case filed. And I suggest you call the court yourself as to procedures and timeframes involved.

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Florida
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsahm

If you didnt record the phone call, at least document the date and time and dialogue in a notebook now while it is fresh in your mind.

And then I would let it drop and work on your marriage.

Odds are 1) she isnt pregnant or 2) she isnt for sure who it belongs to and it probably isnt your h's

Don't play her game, research your state laws so that you will be aware how far back cs can be awarded and focus on your marriage. In about a year you can search vital records for any child born to her as the mother and if there has been you and your h, then can decide if you wish to pursue requesting a DNA test.

But until then, I would not contact her again.

Focus on your marriage.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can anyone recommend any books about dealing with this. i'm trying to find something that is specific to infidelity resulting in pregnancy? thanks guys


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Noone has written a book dealing with all this that I can find, and I've looked--it's mentioned in one paragraph or so each in Springer's and Glass's books--the advice is basically to never be alone with OW, and not to expect to co-parent--nothing really helpful. It's just too complicated.

There is one book I got about Other Children or something, but it wasn't helpful to me or us at all--really dramatic stories mostly, and not much day to day advice about handling things or about rebuilding the marriage.

Hard to believe--but I guess it's not common enough for people to specialize in it or else it's too difficult to deal with the therapists!!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
lostsahm
Member
Member # 17136
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wblessed,

I already looked at the back child support issue. And our state you can award up to 3 years of back support.

If she was pg though, we would legally seperate and get a child support order for me.

I also don't think we can search vital records here. You have to show id that you are related to child AND know the birthdate.

Part of me thinks, that we should just hire and investigator in a few months and let him figure it out.

As for working on the marriage, he is trying so hard, and I am still dying inside.

Thanks again for responding.


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2007
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I already looked at the back child support issue. And our state you can award up to 3 years of back support.

that is the same as mine, and our lawyer said in our case she may not even get that if she ever did file (no DNA ever done) because she has known where my h lived all this time, so that the most she could get is from the day she filed for it AFTER DNA established paternity

If she was pg though, we would legally seperate and get a child support order for me.

this is advice i have seen given, because cs orders are awarded based upon who files first and this could secure household funds for your children. It is a personal decision, it is really up to you if you want to do that.

I also don't think we can search vital records here. You have to show id that you are related to child AND know the birthdate.

you probably cannot get a copy of the bc, but you most likely can go to the county court house and look at the record of births---index of births with names of parents....this is actually how i discovered exists of 2 alleged OC in my case after i heard a rumor, i looked it up by mother's name (h had confessed to ONS with this woman years ago) and found child's dob and names with father listed as none

Part of me thinks, that we should just hire and investigator in a few months and let him figure it out.

again, up to you, but if you know where she lives or where she works, it would be relatively easy to view her from a distance in about 6 months to see if she is showing or not

As for working on the marriage, he is trying so hard, and I am still dying inside.

rebuilding is not easy, but it is possible, it will take time, feel the pain, process it, so that you can heal from it, denial is a coping mechanism and it doesnt heal anything. so you have to face it, at the speed and in the amount you feel appropriate for you

God Bless You
Ann


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

OC due date is coming up and we're going through another round of turmoil. My stomach is in knots and when I see pregnant women or babies I feel ill - then I try to look at them for as long as possible to "condition" myself!! haha.

Any tips on prepping for this event would be wonderful?..? Did you bring a baby gift??? aargh

My H has been trying really hard and is going through a lot of emotional mess himself. I fluctuate between trying to help him deal with it and trying to get myself back on track.

Tomorrow H is meeting with OW to discuss the logistics - access, support and so on.
We had an animated discussion (putting it nicely) about letting OW know that I will be there when he goes to see the OC. He hadn't thought of prepping her for this and then got worried that she might be "uncomfortable" with me there.

What are your thoughts about this? Do you let your H see the OC without you there at any time? Do you let him spend any time with OW without you?

Everything inside me says that that would be a recipe for disaster and just plain wrong.

About a book - I wonder if we could anonymously publish our own book to help other women in our situation. I know I would love to have some sort of resource. Even our councilor just says "there's no guidelines here, it's just a matter of figuring out what everyone can live with..."

That seems kind of lame.


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sumi, you know how I feel about OW and H being alone together at all--and especially before the child is born. NO, NO, NO!! Never a reason for them to meet before OC is born.

Logistics, CS, all that doesn't have to be addressed til after the birth (and after DNA if you get it done), and even then it can be done by phone or through a lawyer or by email. No private meetings.
In an ideal world, anyway.


BTW, hormones rage after birth, so don't expect OW to be at all sane about any of this--you'll be lucky if she is after things settle down. Your H is right that she will be "uncomfortable" with you there--I say tough, but in my case, H did go to see OC while they were in the hospital without me, part of the painful scenes and negotiations that went on. I figured that in the hospital, it was pretty safe, plus her mother was there.

And she did raise some scenes, even without me there, because H kept leaving to see me or have lunch with me, and also making it clear that he wasn't there for OW at all the way she wanted. It's a mess all around.

No way to prep yourself for the birth--it is one of the most painful things you will ever experience--the reality of a child made by your H and not with you. That pain is truly horrible, and a residual of it will always be with us, and I hope your H will continue to step up and help you through it.

H does bring things to OC, and brought a book in the hospital, but I never considered them "baby gifts"--just something for a child. I REALLY tried and continue to try to separate OC from OW--not always possible emotionally, but it's the best advice I can give. Hugs to you.

I don't think many counselors have had one iota of experience with dealing with OC's. They're learning from us as we go along from crisis to crisis, situation to situation--but it does help to explore options with that third party present, plus we are healing from the infidelity as well, and they do have lots of experience with that, unfortunately!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Wimsey,
I guess I've already set the stage - H & OW have had one private meeting (at a Starbucks) already to discuss the total end of their personal friendship, child access & support expectations. He says it went as well as can be expected and that she was reasonable with regard to the necessary logistics. (she will be getting a nice chunk of change each month - do I sound bitter??)

He says he feels "awkward" and uncomfortable around her, that he feels detached from the pregnancy. (sounds promising..??)

Next meeting is to formalize the arrangement and let her know that a paternity test will need to be done. It's supposed to happen tomorrow. You are right, perhaps this doesn't need to be a personal meeting at all.


I also wanted him to take this opportunity (before the hormones and lack of sleep kick in) to make sure that she understands what my role is and that she doesn't have a fit when I show up with him to see the OC.

Thanks for the support and the hugs. I need them


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
naddy
♀ New Member
Member # 17339
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not know what to do or what to say, I have been wanting to post badly, but wasn't sure where this belonged.

I know how painful it is to be left with the fact that there will always be a reminder of the affair. My H has an OC that is six months old. Paternity has been established and he is paying child support.
I am trying to cope with incorporating this child into my life, but as you know it is very difficult. My H went to see the child today and he didn't take me. There was no reason for this as I do not work and was just at home. In the beginning it was agreed that we would see the OC together, but he seems to be going back on that and again I am feeling left out of the whole situation. I am doing the best I can to accept what has happened and move on with our lives, but this kind of thing sets me back.
I feel like I am always bending over backwards to try to accomodate for this collossal tragedy. I have lost my home and had to move to an apartment because of the neglect of my H. Income is taken away from me and my three children to take care of the OC. None of this is fair and I know life is not fair, but I need advice on how to get through the day to day.
I wish there was someone to talk to that really understood, or someone that could tell me they got through it all and it was going to be okay.
As you all have said there aren't any helpful books or resources out there, I have looked and there seems to be noone willing to talk about this, I am starting to get discouraged.
I thought that I was strong enough to handle this situation, but it just seems to be too much. I haven't talked to my H yet because I don't want to start an argument, but I just needed to talk to someone.


BS-34
WS (him) 33
D 13, S 7, S 1 and one on the way
OC 6 mo
DDY Dec 28, 2006 18 Mo affair

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: New York
lostsahm
Member
Member # 17136
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have been unable to find any books or resources either for this situation.

Take care of yourself. I know that's easier said than done, but you ahve to worry about the baby you are carrying as well.


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2007
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Naddy,
Wow. I think he has to understand how you feel.

You have no fault in this mess and the pain is huge. Does he understand that?

Do you have any counseling to help you both deal with this situation?

Please feel free to vent here, we'll try to help you.

I suggest that you remind him how difficult this situation is for you and that you are doing your best to deal with it, that you understand he wants to the the OC, but that you are uncomfortable with him seeing the child without you there. That if he want this to work, you need to be a part of his relationship with the OC.

Does he pick OC up or does he hang out with OW/OC?

We are currently going through a lot of the same discussions, my OC is due in a few weeks and due to the age of the child pick up/drop off is less likely, meaning visits to the OW house and having to spend time with her/child and who knows who else is there - her family maybe? I'm so not looking forward to it, but I told my H that is has to be us going together or nothing. He is struggling with this.


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, naddy. Such an awful situation. This is all so new for you, really--when did you find out about OC and the A?

It takes so much time to process the infidelity, let alone an OC. I know the feeling of not wanting to start an argument, but this is your life now--what was his explanation for not taking you?

It's hard when the baby is still so young--it got easier for us when the child went to day care and could be visited and picked up there. Hanging out with OW and OC is a big no-no, too much temptation and too much fantasy of another family for OW.

Of course, that's a perfect world, where we can control all contact between former affair partners, and where we can control everyone's feelings! We all do the best we can--but I agree that discussion about your feelings and point of view is important--even if it doesn't result in the perfect solution, it will help your R with H.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
naddy
♀ New Member
Member # 17339
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thank you for your responses it helps to know someone is listening.

I spoke to my H this morning and he said that he didn't want to have to worry about taking me everytime he went to see the OC because it would be inconvenient. Now, my H sees the OC at the grandmother's house, this is supposed to be neutral territory. On three occassions that I know of the AP was there, once when I visited and another time when my MIL went to visit, and on Christmas Eve when H went to drop off gifts that I picked out for OC.
Yesterday, the OC had 2 doctors appts and I have no idea if AP was there or if it was the grandmother who took the child to the dtr. H didn't think this was important info. He also revealed to me that he has trouble with the fact that he has to let me know when he runs into or has any contact with the AP. Wow, what a revelation! We discussed this point to utter exhaustion and he still doesn't get it.
We attended MC before the OC was born and I attended IC for a while. H, I guess never felt that the counseling was ever to benefit him, as he has everything under control.
Now, this has turned into a totally different situation. We have been in R for one year and he now let's me know that he has not changed the way he thinks about this affair. Like I am just supposed to swallow all that he did and never again have a problem with it because "it's over"


BS-34
WS (him) 33
D 13, S 7, S 1 and one on the way
OC 6 mo
DDY Dec 28, 2006 18 Mo affair

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: New York
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