Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you have found yourself here.

But know that you will survive this and you do not have to make any decision until you are ready.

If your h is interested in reconcilation, he needs to go NC with this woman, immediately.

Seek marriage counseling and individual counseling, it will help.

And I agree dont worry about DNA until the child is born, and if you have to change your home number, your cell and your h's cell if this woman refuses to leave you and your family alone. See marriagebuilders.com for some good ideas about working on marriage issues.

Most importantly take care of yourself, and make sure you get plenty of rest and that you eat well. Your children need you.

God Bless You
Ann

[This message edited by wblessed at 11:41 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Concerned  Posted: 8:37 PM, December 25th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All

Lotsham, so sorry to hear your story. I'm new here, similar mess - 2 teens from previous marriage, 2 year old with H, he cheated and OC is due in January. I'm all over the place emotionally.

My H has ended A and wants to work things out. I've gone through a bunch of the posts on this site and they are really, really helpful. I have copied the "180" guidelines to my Outlook notes so I can reference them everyday!

Today I completely fell apart, being Christmas and all - Keep thinking of what it will be like next year when we will most likely have the OC visiting. The whole situation is so bizarre.

Any help and advice from anyone here on how to cope with this would be really appreciated. Thanks so much in advance.


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
lostsahm
Member
Member # 17136
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, December 25th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H says he is NC right now.
He told me in November of the first woman and went no contact. I actually caught this due to cell phone records. He was seeing her every 3 weeks or so to have sex on his lunch hour. He admitted to it and started R.

Well, according to him, he didn't want to tell me about the second and third woman because 1) I hadn't found them yet and 2) he didn't want to cause me any more pain. He says he thought it was all I could take. Whatever.

Then we are on a vacation that was already planned and I ask him if that was the whole truth. This is 5 weeks after d-day. I tell him that I will give him a "get out of jail free card" if he can be completly honest. I wish I could have just been satisfied with what I had. He admitted to a ONS and another OW that started the end of July. By the way, he was still seeing OW#1. Busy guy.

We go thru cell phone records together and there is two phone calls after D-day #1. I go to OW#3 house when we get back from vacation and she advises that he told her on those two phone calls that she had to call him on his land line at work because I was suspicious. She advises me that the last time she talked to him was Nov 21 (9 days after our D-day#1) and that she hasn't seen him since sometime at the end of October. This is when H said the last time he saw her was too.

This was the same time that he last saw OW#1 as well.

We had started marriage counseling at the beginning of October and he said that he was trying to get them out of his life. He figured he would start by not having anything physical and eventually get rid of the phone conversations as well. He said he realized he had really screwed up and was trying to gradually get rid of them so he didn't piss them off and have them tell me and that hopefully I would never find out.

Anyway, the night I went to OW#3 house, she advised me that she was 3 months PG. H says it is possible. He had sex with her three times (twice without a condom) and one of the times is around that time period. Only thing is that he swears he didn't, ummm, "deposit" anything inside her and both her and him and said she sees other people.

God, I just wish I knew if she was really pregnant. It would really make it easier to go on. I hate knowing that I will have to have someone go follow her in a few months to find out if she is showing.

Sigh. That was long. Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by lostsahm at 10:10 PM, December 25th (Tuesday)]


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2007
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, December 25th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lostsham

Maybe the good thing is that you have some time. You won't need to follow her because I'm sure she'll let you and your H know if she really is pregnant because she will probably want some sort of child support. Then make sure you get a paternity test before any $ are exchanged and before you get your emotions too tangled up.

We haven't had a paternity test yet, but I'm pretty sure this is the real thing, so I'm working on that expectation and then I'll be very happy if the test is Negative.

My H has had a woman friend for 8-9 years that is 20 years younger than he is. He helped her with her career many times and I had met her a few times. She was even at our wedding. I thought nothing of it.

2 months after our wedding I accidentally intercept email that is inappropriate and so I become a detective and drive myself crazy for 2 weeks. Then I confront him, but I don't have evidence and he puts it down to helping her find a new job and tells me I'm overreacting and he is so disappointed that I don't trust him, blah, blah. It takes me months to get over this until I finally just put it behind me and work on avoiding any potential evidence, ask no more questions...

4 months later, I happen to see her on my way to work and I'm suspicious since she doesn't work in this part of town. Well, it turns out that she is now working at his division at his company! He never mentioned anything to me and the lies seem to be compounding. He says he had nothing to do with her getting the job and he knew I would "freak out" if he told me, so he didn't.
Yeah right. I may be stupid, but how many times?

Our marriage wasn't great after that. I didn't know where I stood and we fought frequently. Another 6 months go by and our marriage begins to improve apparently by itself (more likely due to his feelings of guilt)

Lies, lies and secrets. Finally, almost a year later, I have evidence that he can't deny. He breaks down and admits he had a ONS (yeah, like I believe that, but whatever) after one of our fights and he's so sorry. He says he wants to stay with our family.

I'm not sure what I believe and what I don't. I don't know how much I need to know or want to know or if it really matters. The fact is that there is a OC, who is the other innocent in this disaster and that there are obviously more problems in our marriage than I thought otherwise this wouldn't have happened, right???

As a result of all this crap I'm feeling really worthless, betrayed, angry, hopeless etc., I'm not sure how to control all that and keep up the pretense of normality. My work is suffering and my patience with my other kids and my H is limited. I'm disappointed with myself that I'm not handling it better.

This is really long, thanks for reading...


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
anne181986
♀ New Member
Member # 12873
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sumi,
Do not ever say again that you feel bad that you aren't handling your situation better. You have been in a whirlwind of lies and deception...we all have. Whenever I have a breakdown (which is about once a week...things are still new) I let my husband know and I let myself know that it's okay for me to feel and act this way. All of our emotions are all over the place. I don't want to make it seem like I have it all figured out because the Lord knows I don't but I do know that it is okay to cope with your emotions and react in the way that helps you heal. I cry, yell, scream into pillows, and do whatever I need to do to get me through whatever emotion I'm feeling. Don't hold it in because you'll lash out later or end up never healing. I know how you feel, just know that's it's okay to feel how you're feeling and it's NORMAL for you to feel this way.

[This message edited by anne181986 at 7:51 AM, December 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Atlanta, GA
anne181986
♀ New Member
Member # 12873
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay ladies...today is the beginning! Just for an update, we went to court and found out that to get a paternity test she has to file for child support first and we'll deny paternity, and then they'll give us the test. Well the H is meeting the OW at the child support office today to fill out the paper work and my stomach is in knots. I hate even thinking about him talking to her with me not around. She called last night and was like "I thought you were going to at least come and see her or talk to her." See, there she goes again excluding me. Why would she think that my H would come see the child when we don't know if she's ours or not. This woman wants him to have two families. One with me and one with her. It's not going to happen and as soon as she realizes that it'll be better. I get so mad at my H sometimes because he's not straight to the point enough. Well, he says what he wants to say but not in the tone that it needs to be said in. And he always says,"I don't have to be rude to get my point across." But my whole thing is that with some people you do have to be rude. Everytime I think about this situation, my whole world stops and it's like I can't do anything but lay in the bed. I have good days and bad days. How do I get pass these feelings? It's like I can't think of anything but this!

Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Atlanta, GA
LiveLuvLaph
♀ Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Anne)))))

Have you sat down and thought about how you expect H's interaction with and toward OW to be through this ordeal?

If his being alone with her for any reason stops your whole world, then you need to let your H know that.

I assume that you have to work today and that's why you're not going to CS with him? You have the right to walk into the CS office with him. It's a public building. He's just responding to the filing, it's not like he's in the courtroom. NC is NC. If being alone with her is a deal-breaker for you, then he needs to make it clear that the only place he'll be with OW, without you, is in the courtroom with a judge and/or bailiff present. Otherwise, you two will be like conjoined twins.

I think you and H need to have a unified front and make it clear that OW has to deal with *you* being in the picture when it comes to his parenting the potential OC. The earlier OW understands this, the better things will be for everyone involved.

Also, have you talked to your H about visitation/seeing OC before the DNA results are in? I've always heard that a man shouldn't play dad to a child before the court confirms he truly is the father because he can be held responsible for the kiddo even if it isn't his. Does he plan to tell OW that he won't be seeing OC until the results are in? Also, may I ask, was he already visiting OC before the CS filing? Because if he has been, then it will make things more difficult. When he does put the boundaries in place, then OW will resist even more.

My heart hurts for you, that you have to go through this in your M. But if you can collect your thoughts on how you want the M to deal with possible OC and let your H know your expectations, plus clearly define your boundaries and the consequences that come with them, I think you'll get to a place where the emotions over this won't knock you out.

Have him man up and make it clear that he isn't going to have 2 families in all this. That he already has a family and OC will be welcomed into it.

I can't see how you'll get past the feelings you have currently if boundaries aren't in place and respected. You're rightfully feeling the way you do because a M isn't supposed to have this kind of situation. Each time OW calls him, it's a violation of the M (whether it's about OC or not.)


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Jul 2007
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Anne))

Take it some someone who has been going thru the contact issue for months now, if you don't make clear boundaries she will think that she can walk all over you. And it has to be united. I am 9 mos. past d-day and finally got to the point were there is no contact between my H and OW.

For me I had to change his cell phone number and we made a written agreement with the OC lawyer and social worker that if OW wants to talk to her kids, she has to contact me. I know my situation is a little different in the fact that OC are living with us, but I felt that I had to put my foot down because everytime she called my stomach was in knots and me and my H were fighting.

So now my H knows that if I see any kind of contact that is a deal breaker it is the end. And now OW is geeting the message, she left message on my cell phone to talk to OC for X-mas. She is still trying to find ways to talk to him, but I am her interception.

Do I hate talking to her? You bet, but what gets me thru it is that she is not controlling our marriage which she did for 10 yrs.As far as the DNA test, he has been playing daddy for 9 yrs. now, but I still demanded it and I got it last Thursday, we will know in about 6 weeks. Even if they are not his we will try to keep them, but they will be foster children. I think it is better if you don't play daddy before the test comes back, the OC is young enough where he would not miss too much if he is the father.

Good luck to you I know this is a very hard time.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:13 AM, December 26th (Wednesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Anne,
How old is the OC in your case?

In my case OW was disappointed that my H didn't check on her when she was unwell during her pregnancy!

I agree that it sucks when they have private conversations but I think of it kind of like having a relationship with an ex where there are children involved and that makes it a bit easier to get your head around it. I have limited (cool and to the point) discussions with my ex about my kids, but I don't involve my H in these discussions.

My first reaction to all this was that I had to be involved in all discussions with the OW and I even called her! I had so many knots in my stomach that I never want to do that again

However, my role will be that of a step-mom, so she may as well get used to that from the beginning. It's my intention that the first time H goes to see the baby, I will go with him. That all access to the child will be him picking the child up from her house and bringing it here. This child will be a part of my life for a long time so I may as well create a bond with it from the start.

Ladies, today I feel strong (Yesterday was the crying day and the day before was the anger day!), so I say, we can do this and come out even stronger on the other side.


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
LiveLuvLaph
♀ Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ladies,

since Dovey posted on here, I feel brave enough to do so

I always thought that I may/may not be an OC

a little history...I'll be 40 in 2 days

My mom always used the excuse that I was a premature 9# plus baby. My mom had been with long-term bf in early Feb and my dad sometime in April the year I was conceived.

My parents married because of me...had a sorry-ass relationship 4ever and a day. My parents are alot older now and my dad has stage 4 lung disease.

For too many years there were family fights and my paternity played into them sometimes

to make a long story short, I'm tired of being the butt of family jokes when it comes to my parentage...my mom and i get ribbed over my birth date

My mom asked me what I wanted for my bday this past Friday and I got those 4 words out: "I want DNA testing". My lil sis, who happens to be one of the few family members who don't joke about my sitch was like "for your 7 children?"

I said "no! For me!"

I sat down with my mom and asked her about dates. I let her know I respect her right to privacy and to her personal choices. I also asked her flat out if there's no chance that my dad is my bio father, don't make me put a dying man through this. I gather the Feb guy isn't my bio. There's supposedly no March guy, although when my sis started ??? my mom about the feb/april months... my mom started to cry when I told my sis to leave it alone because we don't know if our mom had been "harmed".

So, to finally get to the point, what can I do about this? DNA testing requires signed consent from the parties involved. I don't feel comfortable sneaking to get it done.

How do I deal with the teasing? Do i tell my kin to drop it because it's disrespectful to my dad, since he was decent to be my dad regardless of the sitch?

Any advice would be appreciated


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Jul 2007
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LivLuv,
I can understand your wanting/needing to know. Does it really matter to you or do you just want to put an end to the teasing?

Your mom has lived her whole life in a lousy R to give you a stable home. Your actions now will make all that mean nothing to her, opening up all the old wounds. Does it really matter if the BF was your bio dad? Who was it that raised you and loved you and held you when you bumped your head - your dad. period. Your moms BF did nothing for you.

I would say, stand up for yourself and tell them that you don't appreciate their teasing, that it's hurtful and to stop. Then go give your mom and dad a hug and tell that you don't care about DNA.


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LivLuv

I am sorry you have experienced this.

I havent walked in your shoes but I have tried to imagine what you have went through based on what you have shared.

While I agree that regardless of DNA, the man who is ill right now IS your DAD!, I can understand your desire to know the truth once and for all. And I think actually it is the least that is owed to you.

Only you can gauge whether your dad will be hurt or offended by your request for DNA. But from my perspective, as a mother, I would rather my child's concerns and doubts be set at ease than for them to have something like this troubling them. First of all, the comments should have never been tolerated regardless of biology, but there is nothing you can do to change that now.

My understanding is that you do not need DNA from both parents for a test. If it were my decision----based upon myself and my father---I would go to my dad and tell my dad that I loved him and no one could replace him in my heart but I wanted to be honest about something that had bothered me for years and ask him if he would be willing to give his DNA so you could give yours in hopes that this may put to rest something that has bothered you.

However, you must be prepared for the fact that a DNA test might exclude your father from being your bioparent.

As far as your mother is concerned, I guess I would tell her---if a DNA center tells you that it is important to have both parents DNA---that she needs to BE your mother for once and not to think about herself, to put her needs/wants aside and do this one thing for you.
Maybe it is because I have always been faithful to my h and because I am a bs, I dont know. I just know that if my d ever asked, I would do whatever it took in a hearbeat to reassure her.

In fact, shortly after my d-day, when the surrogate in my case, started rumors that our COM daughter, may not be my h, and that I had been unfaithful to my h. I said I didnt care what trash the woman wanted to try and create, but if my h or my d, had any doubts, I would personally pay for the DNA test right now and give my mouth swab and take our d to give hers, if either my h or child so desired. My h's d from his 1st marriage, said that she would be in line right behind her sister too, if that is what her dad or her sister wanted.

So many times the woman may feel insulted by it, and I agree that yes, it would hurt if someone doubted me, but relative to my h and my child, I think I would put them first before pride.

I think often of the story in the Bible, where the two women claimed the infant was theirs, and Solomon said cut the child in half, it was the TRUE mother who cried out no, dont harm the child, she can have the child.

For years I thought this meant that the women who asked for the child's life to be spared, had to be the biological parent. But what I have experienced over the last 2 years, I dont know if that is the case. Relationship establishes the bond NOT the biology.

And regardless of biology, please remember that you are a unique and special to God. He created your soul, BEFORE you were conceived.

This is a decision only you can make and I dont know if there is any right or wrong, I think you just have to work out what you need to do.

God Bless You
Ann


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sumi

Hi LivLuv,
I can understand your wanting/needing to know. Does it really matter to you or do you just want to put an end to the teasing?
Your mom has lived her whole life in a lousy R to give you a stable home. Your actions now will make all that mean nothing to her, opening up all the old wounds. Does it really matter if the BF was your bio dad?

I respectfully disagree with your point of view. No one, especially me, knows all the details of her situation or what her mother's motivations were. No parent should ask or expect a child to carry the burden of their choices for them. The mere fact that her mother had a bf to me, demonstrates that her mother did not suffer in a lousy r necessarily to give LivLov a stable home. No doubt she probably did consider the impact on LivLov of divorce, and perhaps she did the best she could or what she thought was best at the time. However, adultery does not stablize a home, it amplifies instability.

Who was it that raised you and loved you and held you when you bumped your head - your dad. period. Your moms BF did nothing for you.

I agree.

I would say, stand up for yourself and tell them that you don't appreciate their teasing, that it's hurtful and to stop. Then go give your mom and dad a hug and tell that you don't care about DNA.

I sensed turmoil in her heart over this, and I dont know that she should carry this by herself. But again, it is a decision that only she can make. She has to find a way to be at peace with it.

No offense intended so I hope none was taken.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Luv,

I sent you a PM concerning your situation.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anne & lostsahm

Boundaries are crucial. Actually enforced boundaries are crucial. Boundaries set that are not enforced, I believe can do more harm than good.

NC is NC. And I truly believe that any continued contact in lostsahm case will only prolong your pain and will undermine any restoration of the marriage. If your h is not willing to sever all ties, it may be best to walk away now.

I speak from experience dealing with my own h. A conflict avoider will take the easy road if allowed. As a wife, we want to do right by our h and our h's children, but none of us should have to carry all the responsibility of sacrificing for our spouse all the time.

And I agree, Anne, if it triggers your pain when there is any c with the OW excluding you then you need to tell your h, and he needs to put actions behind his words as far as commitment to your marriage.

Contact excluding the wife, raises the chances, for the affair to restart and for there to be a 2nd OC that "just happened". The OW (and your h) had no respect for traditional boundaries established by the marriage covenant, so there is no reason to expect her to respect them in the future. As I had asked in a previous post, what actions would indicate the woman was sincere about only having the interest of the child as a motivation? I havent received any feedback as to what a bs could look for to indicate sincerity on the part of the OW, but I do strongly believe that attempts to exclude the wife, have nothing to do with the child, and are all about the OW trying to once again overstep the boundaries.

From everything I have read and from my own experience, very rarely do the ws confess all at once. Most of the time, little bits of the truth come out over time. That is something I think each bs has to accept and deal with the best they can, but I do not believe a bs should be asked or expected to any contact with the OW excluding her that she is not comfortable with.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
lostsahm
Member
Member # 17136
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this time, my WH maintains that there is NC and has been this way for a month. This seems to be true, but I guess you never know.

He also says that he knew nothing of pregnancy. I went to OW house and she told me, I am wondering if it is possible that she is lying in hopes that he will call her. She knew the exact number of DAYS that it had been since they had talked - 28 to be exact.

I am almost having a bigger problem knowing that he continued to contact her for an additional 9 days after he told me there was NC. He says that there was NC with OW#1, but that because I didn't know about this OW, he was trying to gradually get her to go away and that it took a week or so. Do I believe it? I really don't know.

Thank you so much for your support.

[This message edited by lostsahm at 12:26 PM, December 26th (Wednesday)]


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2007
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wblessed,

I don't know about anybody else, but I know that I didn't know what to say concerning your question about how do you know it is just about the OC with the OW?

For me, I will always wonder what her motives are, maybe after a couple of years go by I might not think that, but for now, I am always gonna feel that she has other motives.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this time, my WH maintains that there is NC and has been this way for a month. This seems to be true, but I guess you never know.

Trust has been violated and almost destroyed. My counselor advised me that I will never be able to trust my h again, UNTIL I make a conscious choice to decide to trust. Even then, it will not be easy. You should not have blind trust. Your h must make an effort to rebuild trust, because it will not automatically return. What a lot of ws dont realize I believe is that for whatever reason they were unable to resist the temptation and it is unreasonable to expect a bs, to automatically because of words, think they will do the right thing if they find themselves in the same situation again. So the best thing to rebuild trust is to set boundaries, safeguards to prevent such situations, and to be open and honest from this point on. If you have reason to doubt, then verify. You can't verify everything and you dont want to be obsessive about it, but if you are having overwhelming feelings that you doubt, then verify that your h is where he said he would be, etc... In time, your need to verify will lessen and you will be able to trust him more. Either that or you will find clear evidence that he is not willing to do his part and commit to your marriage and reconcilation. It is best to be proactive instead of reactive.

And your h didnt get his problems with honesty, lack of communication skills, methods of coping etc, overnight, so nothing will be fixed overnight either, it will take time, and hard work.

He also says that he knew nothing of pregnancy. I went to OW house and she told me, I am wondering if it is possible that she is lying in hopes that he will call her. She knew the exact number of DAYS that it had been since they had talked - 28 to be exact.

It is possible he did not know. You have no way to verify whether he did or not. Whether she is lying or not, she is not to be trusted. In my situation, the OW said to me that believe it or not she was a good person and she offered to testify in court (she was assuming divorce court) if I wanted her to, and gave me info on how and when I could contact her. But within 2 months, she flipped her script when she figured out, my h wasnt leaving me and things would not be the way they always had. Curious to know, did any of these OW, have the decency to apologize to you or did any of them say they did NOT know your h was married? Was there any remorse or regret shown for being involved with another woman's husband?

I am almost having a bigger problem knowing that he continued to contact her for an additional 9 days after he told me there was NC.

I understand. But this isnt unique, if your h was able to communicate and cope with his problems, properly there never would have been an affair in the first place. Image....sometimes I think it is all about image, the ws doesnt want to be truthful and honest with the OW, there has been an image created about who he is in that world, the only problem is that isnt who he is. And sometimes, I think it isnt the OW herself, but it is the image he has portrayed of himself that is harder to let go. I am not making any excuses for any ws because there is none. You will have to decide where the line is when you will no longer work on reconcilation. It is different for everyone.

He says that there was NC with OW#1, but that because I didn't know about this OW, he was trying to gradually get her to go away and that it took a week or so. Do I believe it? I really don't know.

Back again to image, he doesnt want to be truthful with her or himself. You already know the wrong he has done. The OW is still being deceived. She has an image he has projected. He wants to maintain that image...he doesnt want to look like the bad guy with her too. He is still self centered and the fog has not been lifted yet.

I hope you can find a good marriage counselor and he will be able to help you and your h work through many of these issues.

Your h has some deep rooted problems, it will take time to work on them, and most importantly he will have to recognize them and be willing to admit to them and address them. Otherwise, you will find any of your efforts will be just like spinning in circles.

You will survive this and you dont have to make any decisions until you are ready.

And btw, sahm, is THE MOST IMPORTANT job in the world. I am jealous, :)


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
lostsahm
Member
Member # 17136
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wblessed,

Thank you. You are the type of support I was hoping to get here at suviving infidelity.

Thanks again.


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2007
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have decided not to post in here anymore. I don't feel supported. I feel like the forum has been taken over and if you are not in that conversation, then you are ignored.

I have let it go about 4-5 times now, but I can't ignore it any longer. I feel like a couple of people who have been posting here for along time FOW included have been run off of here and I gained alot of insight from their stories and advice. I may not have agreed with everything that was said, but I didn't argue with them.I have the OC living with me, so I guess I don't need to come here and be reminded that I am living that situation.

To those here that have supported me, I appreciate that. And to those, I will PM you when the DNA test comes back in 6 weeks. But I am going to post where I get support.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 2:56 PM, December 26th (Wednesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.