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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
over&out
♀ Member
Member # 15779
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that is why I'm so thankful you are here to monitor the boards!

Thank you!


Me: 33(FOW)My son: 1yr(OC)
Some actions,despite how wed wish to dismiss them,carry lasting consequences that cant be fixed by longing or the realization of the mistakes made. There is forgiveness, enough for all of us, but there is no forgetting

Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2007
over&out
♀ Member
Member # 15779
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS - we need a "kissing" smiley icon!


Me: 33(FOW)My son: 1yr(OC)
Some actions,despite how wed wish to dismiss them,carry lasting consequences that cant be fixed by longing or the realization of the mistakes made. There is forgiveness, enough for all of us, but there is no forgetting

Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2007
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the OC's are innocent, but no more or less than the BS.

[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 5:32 PM, January 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the OC's are innocent, but no more or less than the BS
C&C you are absolutely correct in this statement. I dont think anyone including OW can deny this. I think the thing that is different is that the innocent OC is not here belittling & attacking BS for her CHOICE to continue to be the wife of the man that cheated on you and created this situation in your marriage. Yet, you as a BS are here belittling and attaching the innocent OC for a CHOICE that was made for him /her by the OW and MM that brought them into this situation. IMO, in this you lose your innocences in the situation.

They say that our thoughts become our word and our word become our actions. I recommend that before you move into the stage of "action" that you go NC with OC immediately!! He has done nothing to deserve to be in your line of fire.

If I ever heard someone speak of a child in this manner in real life I would have CPS up their ass... biological or otherwise.


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

completely agree with MYOC&ME. The child is completely innocent but I understand your anger and frustration, crazedNconfused.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 5:32 PM, January 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
30sucks
♀ Member
Member # 14963
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW. I'm kinda scared to share,after reading some previous posts. My WH's OW is currently pregnant. He now says he loves me...again. Could be, but could be because I filed for D, throwing affair and abandonment into the mix.

Anyway....we're still "talking about R". It's truly a hard road. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm pretty numb. I love my H, we have two beautiful children. One of them born while he was busy making a family with OW. Pretty damn ridiculous.

I guess I'm looking for some folks to tell me their stories. How'd you R? It's hard to think that, though my M was rough, to fix it I have to now include OW and OC. How does that work?

H actually asked me one day if I could treat OC exactly like our own kids. Answer, no. BUT, I will not treat them any different than I would a niece or nephew. I may have to be locked in my room and drunk the first few visitations. Joking...kinda.

Being numb, I don't know what to do. Right vs. wrong is not black and white anymore. My H did the unspeakable, he left me pregnant and alone with a toddler, so he could pretend to be single, err..."married" to OW and play house with her two kids. Now he's bringing her and a child back to me. Well, he wants to bring back. HOW do I do this?

I don't trust this man. He swears he won't hurt me again. Whatever. Sometimes I think that I can do this. That OC will be fine. That OW and I will get along. Other times, I think no way in hell should I take this loser back.

For those that R, even with OC now in picture, did you feel like you lost part of yourself? I mean, I feel like I'd be losing some morals or something in doing this.

Hell, some days I feel that this OC should not have any contact with me or my kids for a while. Me especially.

I pray it's a girl though. My H doesn't deserve another boy. This boy we just had doesn't deserve that either.

How am I supposed to look at OC without ALWAYS seeing OW and H? MY H?

I also feel smug. I want to go to OW and say ha ha. Did you really think that he'd stay with you? He left his wife pregnant, what did you think would happen to you? Stupid.

Between them, they have 5 children. Don't they realize how this happens.

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

My wheels are just spinning. Someone help me.


I had the misfortune of being married to a self absorbed, morally bankrupt human being. ~~12bstrong

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree


Posts: 478 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Virginia
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

30sucks,

sorry you have to find yourself here. sorry you had to come when the posting seems to be a bit combatitive versus supportive. but please don't be afraid to express yourself, for the most part this forum has always been very open (even during the transient anger and bitterness we BS's may feel). you are totally entitled to feel the way you do. And yes...BS lose a little bit of themselves in the selfishness of the WH and OW. But of course now i'm sure some ppl will be calling you selfish because you make it clear that you can't love and treat the OC as your own. Funny how it works huh. Sorry for the sarcasm...I'll PM you.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

30sucks, welcome--and don't be afraid to post! It has been combative lately, but we are all hurting and trying our best--and sometimes the anger gets the upper hand.

I know that some who have contact can view the OC the same way they did their own kids--we have contact and I haven't been able to do this--I really like your analogy of seeing the child as a niece or nephew--just a little more distance works for me, at least right now.

All your questions are good ones--and the answers may change daily! Sometimes I still can't get my head around what I/we're doing--trying to reconcile with all this intervening all the time is really difficult. You may take your H back, you may or may not be friendly to OW (I'm not, just mostly silent the few times I see her, nod hello and that's it for now--have no desire to become friends), things will always be grey and not black and white especially with an OC who muddies up so many things.

Most of the time I feel like I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, and some days that's all I can manage. But it does get better, settles down a bit, with a lot of flare ups from OW in our case which stirs the pot again. The actual visits with OC are fine--but it took a lot of discussions, tears, negotiations, etc. to get there. And they change a bit each time.

A long and rocky road to reconcile and incorporate an OC (and unfortunately an OW) into the mix. Post and PM if you want. Good luck.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
KSA2
♀ Member
Member # 9474
Red  Posted: 12:47 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazed, you have a PM.


No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Posts: 29360 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Mod Dungeon
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

30sucks, Sorry you find yourself in this situation and at a time when some of us in the forum have let our anger get the best of us(guilty )but please don't be afraid to come here it isn't usually like this.

As far as my personal situation my H and I have NC with OC. We didn't even know OW was pregnant until H was served with paternity papers when OC was 4 months old. We did a DNA test and unfortunaltely the child was indeed my H . We tried to have contact with OC at first,but OW was constantly trying to convince me that she and my H were still together(total lie,I'm sure of it)everytime we saw her. And she wouldn't accept the fact that my H and I agreed there would be no private conversations between her and my H even if it was about OC. She chose to be with a MM so she chose to have her child born with a stepmother already in place and she didn't like the fact that she couldn't be alone with my H. We live 2500 miles away from OC so seeing her isn't really an option anyway. We recently considered sending OC a letter or Christmas card to open a line of communication with her(she is 10 now)but decided against it for fear that her mother would stir up trouble. We figured it would do more damage to OC to come into her life just to go back out because of her mother.

It's rough at times and it is a crappy situation for anyone to find themselves, but it can be done either with contact or not,you just have to decide what is best for you and your family. Best of luck to you.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((30sucks)) this really is a nice forum I hope you will feel comfortable posting here. We understand pain, anger and the occasional need to vent but child bashing tend to cause a riot(that is until the mods show up ).

My H did the unspeakable, he left me pregnant and alone with a toddler, so he could pretend to be single, err..."married" to OW and play house with her two kids. Now he's bringing her and a child back to me. Well, he wants to bring back. HOW do I do this?

30, You don't do this....I'm sorry but your H has big problem and they have nothing to do with you, OC or OW. Your husband abandoned his wife, and child to be with another woman and her children, he then created a child with her and now has had another change of heart and will now abandon this woman and his child to be with the first women and child that he abandoned. I am sorry 30, but this man need to be in therapy first and far most. He need to figure out the reason for his actions. I believe that if you try and recover with him before he works on this intensely you are setting yourself and you children up to be back in this situation later down the road and 40sucks even harder. I am by no means saying that reconciliation is not a possibility just that it should be put on the back burner until H does the work he needs in order to be the husband you deserve and the father his children can grow healthy under the guidance of.

I don't think OC should even be your concern at this point.

BTW! I think it is a healthy position to take in these situations if you could see OC as a niece or nephew. I don't love my nieces and nephews as I do my own child but I do love them and have their best interest at heart and would never speak or act in a manner to bring harm to them.


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
over&out
♀ Member
Member # 15779
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emotions run so high on this board, and it's to be expected considering the situations. I certainly don't think any BS is selfish if they can't include the OC in their life. If a BS can't let go of the anger & directs it towards the OC, then that, yes I think is selfish. That was my biggest fear when it came to my son, I didn't want him spending time in a house with hostility directed towards him, because it would do irreperable damage to him, as it's the equivalent of emotional abuse.

30sucks - although I certainly have no right to ask anything of you, I do want to make one suggestion to you. If you think you want to stay with your husand and move forward, I think that is great. I think you are pretty open minded. Please at least TRY to blend the OC into your family. The OW doesn't deserve it, but give her a chance to prove that she just wants what's best for the child, and doesn't want to destroy your marriage.

Sometimes I think that I can do this. That OC will be fine. That OW and I will get along.

The above is possible, if you go into the situation not expecting the worst & give it a chance. I think all too often, the BS automatically thinks that continued contact with the OW (via the OC) is going to continue the affair, or that it's just a way for the OW to keep on interfering in a marriage. Although with some OW that may be the case, it is not with all.

In my situation, I was willing to do whatever I had to in order to keep my son's father and his wife included in my son's life. If that meant literally no contact between us adults, I would have done that. I tried to work something out so they would not even have to see me - exchange my son via grandparents. But, no, they had it in their minds from the get go that this would never work. And that I think is unfair to my son, because they are holding me against him and in the process he is losing a father.

Again, for anyone just coming into this situation, all I advise is that you give it a try - don't automatically assume the worst. If your husband can be given a second chance to prove he can change, then when the OC is involved, I think it's only fair to offer the same chance to the OW. My thinking may be warped, but when there is an OC involved, I think the OC is owed a chance at having two loving parents, a loving step mother, and loving siblings. If the parties go about it the right way, this situation can work and produce great results!! It hasn't happened in my case, but I hope someday that will change.


Me: 33(FOW)My son: 1yr(OC)
Some actions,despite how wed wish to dismiss them,carry lasting consequences that cant be fixed by longing or the realization of the mistakes made. There is forgiveness, enough for all of us, but there is no forgetting

Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2007
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((O&O))))Big, Big hug to you.
Our situation was very different but you sound exactly like me word for word.

The situation is tough all around. I can tell you that when the shock subsided that I was actually in this situation my ONLY concern was for the well being of my son.

At the time I felt that it was in his best interest to have his father in his life. I too was willing to do whatever it took to accommodate that and not be "baby mamma drama". I even welcomed his wife and his com to be a part of OC's life.

I had no jealousy or desire for vengeances. I didn't even pursue CS initially for fear that it would anger them and push them even farther away. It was MM that actually initiated CS. I took that as a sign that he was ready to develop a relationship with OC but I soon learn that it was an attempt to suck me back in.

I think that after DDay, how this progress is sadly in the hands of MM. He set the tone for the future of these situation not OW.

I think if MM, had true remorse for the situation he created his focus would be to make reparations to BS and OC. He truly owe them both.

If OW is a psych case it is his responsibility to put her in her place and not allow her to impede his relationship with his wife or his child. I think the man that can do this is the man that is truly the one that's worth reconciling with.

O&O keep you focus. Keep OC's well being your primary focus and "when" his father come back around the doors will open easier. I he does not than your son will know that it was his choice and not yours.

No matter what you hear on these board or in real life, you are not responsible for you child not having a father in his life. Your are responsible for you bad chose to have an affair with a married man but Married man is responsible for the child not having a father by having the affair and then walking away AFTER the child was conceived.

Don't allow anyone to make you own his shit!!!


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Indeed everyone's situation is different. I have the 3 OC living with us but I will not allow contact between my H and OW. She was using this situation to keep my H in her life and I will not allow that. So if she wants to talk to her kids or try to visit, she has to come thru me. I even changed H cell phone number and made a written arrangement with CPS and court that she is to call me no more contact with my H.

I treat the OC as if they are mine and to me that is the most important thing in this whole situation. I don't owe OW anything and the only thing she owes me is to stay out of my face.

Yes my H is to blame for playing house with her for 10 yrs. and believe me he is suffering everyday he looks in my face and knows not only did you give me 3 OC to raise, mine are grown, he also gave me 2 STD's one that led to cervical cancer.

I just had a 2nd biospy yesterday and it was painful. When I think about OW and my H walking around with no symptoms from something that they gave me I just want to scream!!!

So thank you to the FOWs that post here and show true concern for us all because the one in my situation will not let up. I just overheard H this morning on the phone with one of their friends. She is busy trying to find out a way to keep calling my H instead of contacting me to speak with her kids. My H knows what the consequences are if there is contact. I tried to have the contact for the sake of the kids, but they were not talking about kids and she was not calling to talk to her kids just to my H.

I have tried to be a merciful person in this whle situation but my buttons are being pushed. I wish she would just leave us alone. If she thinks her life sucks now, she doesn't know what more I could do to her.
I am not saint, I am just a woman who is tired of being the nice guy. I just want to focus on my health.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:04 AM, December 14th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to 30sucks and babygoat

Sometimes it is a little hard to believe how similar the thoughts and sayings are that come from BSs who are dealing with an OC sitch. Almost like we're in each other's heads.

babygoat~ what your friends and family think may turn out to be less of a concern than you think. I don't know your history, but I'm guessing that the people in your life are there for a reason, they care about you and you care about them. I know it feels like you've just been a guest on the Jerry Springer show, but (at least in my experience) the situation nowadays is less scandalous than it is in our minds. My family and friends really didn't have much of a reaction.....they just talked to me, and let me vent when I need to.

As for the sizeable chunk of income, that is the harsh reality I still struggle with it a lot too, but unless any laws change soon, the OW's will get the money. You're taking the right step by getting legal help now.

About the "b" word...please don't take this the wrong way, but it is a legal term. It's not used much, for the reasons stated here, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it is meant to be derogatory. It is the definition of a child that is born out of wedlock. I agree, though, that I have never and would never EVER say that around OC, and that there are more PC terms.

One statement I respectfully disagree with a little bit is how BS is selfish if she doesn't let go of her anger. I agree it should never be taken out on OC. But sometimes, the anger is just there. It just comes up. Yes, I then find something to do about it....but it's not like I am being angry on purpose.

[This message edited by sparkle76 at 9:57 AM, December 14th (Friday)]


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
over&out
♀ Member
Member # 15779
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One statement I respectfully disagree with a little bit is how BS is selfish if she doesn't let go of her anger. I agree it should never be taken out on OC. But sometimes, the anger is just there. It just comes up. Yes, I then find something to do about it....but it's not like I am being angry on purpose

I expect you to be angry, and I didn't say let go of it totally, just don't direct it at the OC. Direct it at the people who deserve it, the MM and the OW.


Me: 33(FOW)My son: 1yr(OC)
Some actions,despite how wed wish to dismiss them,carry lasting consequences that cant be fixed by longing or the realization of the mistakes made. There is forgiveness, enough for all of us, but there is no forgetting

Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2007
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 10:03 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over&out...

Do not imply that anything the BS is doing as "selfish".

Not one of them asked to be put in this position.

Please keep this thread going in the direction it was intended.

Neither side can assume to know or tell the other how to feel.

This is a highly emotional topic and the people here need each other for support.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
over&out
♀ Member
Member # 15779
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aye Aye Captain, point taken!


Me: 33(FOW)My son: 1yr(OC)
Some actions,despite how wed wish to dismiss them,carry lasting consequences that cant be fixed by longing or the realization of the mistakes made. There is forgiveness, enough for all of us, but there is no forgetting

Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2007
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((BMC)) A gentle 2x4(padded) because I know you are still recovering from surgery.
Yes my H is to blame for playing house with her for 10 yrs. and believe me he is suffering everyday he looks in my face and knows not only did you give me 3 OC to raise, mine are grown, he also gave me 2 STD's one that led to cervical cancer.
I have been fascinated by your situation. Based only upon what you have told us here I must ask, why are you still with this man?? I have not hear one redeeming quality in him. This man is not suffering one bit for what he has done to you or his children. You and his children are paying the full price for what IMO is his continued selfish actions.
I just overheard H this morning on the phone with one of their friends. She is busy trying to find out a way to keep calling my H instead of contacting me to speak with her kids. My H knows what the consequences are if there is contact.
By your own words he has played house with this woman for 10yrs and has produced 3 children with her in that time. Now there are consequences for contact?....What could they possibly be??? BMC do you not see that it is 10yrs and 3 kids too late to try and establish boundaries for your H with OW. You are facing a possible deadly disease because of his choice to be in repeated contact with her.

BMC you have diabetes, high blood pressure and now facing possible cervical cancer...when are you gonna stop dying for this man and start living for yourself.

I applaud what you are trying to do for these children...I really do...but I think you would serve them and yourself better by working with CPS to find them a good and loving adoptive family. MM nor OW sound like capable adult to raise kids or be spouses.

I'm sorry if this seem harsh.. but no one deserves what he has brought into your life.

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 11:33 AM, December 14th (Friday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

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