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User Topic: Other Child
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

misto,

i am so sorry you have to be here, but your situation is so similar to mine. you should be able to click on my profile to see my sob story. but its the same deal my FWS had a drunk ONS...and 1 and 1/2 year later he gets issued paternity papers and a 9 month old baby boy shows up at our doorstep...and its 99.999% positive that its his.

we are just a little bit over a year out from our Dday...its been tough its been hurtful...but we are making it work. feel free to ask me any questions of PM me if you want to chat. i am so sorry you have to go through this. as much as i love him...somedays the anger and fury can be unbearable, and with a child...

sigh..the child...my FWS has a responsbility and he is standing his ground on doing the "right thing"...so we try to do our part. we pick him up every other weekend. he is a happy playful baby who throws his arms up at me and calls me "mama"...its hard...really hard. the rational side of me knows that he is innocent..as am i. i am 5 months pregnant myself now and am trying to enjoy every moment on having my own baby.

hang in there my dear...if you guys love each other enough, as much as we hate them for doing this to us and hurting us like this...hang in there. in some of the previous posts someone had listed a number of things to keep in mind and consider in these OC situations. i encourage you to read it.

[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 12:20 AM, June 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 9th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Misto,

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It is extra pain on top of the pain of the A. I have some advice. Do not break NC until the child is here and you can establish paternity. Do Not give OW any money until paternity is established and CS is ordered by a court. You can look up paternity and CS laws in your state online. Google paternity and you will find lots of info. Testing done through the courts is usually cheaper -- the courts will order it if your H hasn't signed any type of acknowledgment of paternity (AOP)and asks for it. Beware though - my H's OW forged his signature on the AOPs and had them witnessed by her friends - they were accepted by the states the children were born in, even though she put different places of birth for my H on each AOP.

Everything with children and paternity gets very sticky - start saving for an attorney. But you and your H can do alot by researching his rights. Just don't sign anything until you get actual testing done -- either through the courts or at a very reputable DNA testing site. There are legal aid centers in every state -- you may be able to get help there.

Also, document everything as you go along. Keep a notebook of phone calls from anyone involved, a paper trail of anything you send and that is sent to you. Be organized. Read my profile if you want to see just how crazy this can get.

I hope I helped and didn't confuse. PM me if you need anything else. Hugs to you - I hope you discover that you don't need this thread at all.

soverysad



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just curious, for those of you whose husbands have to pay child support....
How much does he pay? And for how many children?
Ow is possibly carrying my fiance's child, won't know results until dna test is done, and wants child support. He is hoping that he won't have to give her more than 325 a month. Is that too much for one child? Or too little?


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dust,

it's time to tune up your investigative skills. 1st and foremost, every state is different. in CA they have a formula they use that you can find online and it takes into account the income of the mother and the sperm donor and then also takes into account the amount of time spent with the child. please google or search in your own state. It can really vary, so no $300+ is at the lower end.

seems like some new members here, I'm going to post a "OC Handbook" that has been posted from time to time. Please note that it is not formal legal advice...just collective experience.

Below are some helpful starters for "newbies":

OC HANDBOOK (courtesy Me&My3)

1. Dna results must be established and your H should hire an atty immediately if he hasn't already done so. DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

2. If you have children of your own with your h take steps to protect them and yourself by filing for a psuedo legal separation; because in the case of child support, he who files first gets the most (in most states). It doesn't matter one bit which child came first only who files for support first. So if she files first she gets an amount based on his entire income and if you then get separated/divorced your child support would be based on a percentage of his income less what he's already paying her. Makes sense to protect yourself by filing for a separation that way if you and your husband divorce you will benefit more and if you stay together it will keep more money in your household. Even if you're financially self-sufficient you should still consider setting up a child support order because in these uncertain times you never know what tomorrow will bring i.e. corporate downsizing, etc. It never hurts to have that order in place even if you don't need it now. Also consider having alimony set up in the separation papers as it can also reduce the ow's child support order.

3. Visitation with possible oc or sending money to the ow for the oc is a no-no until dna has been established and the courts are involved. Everything should be done legally as it's the only way to protect you and your family. Trust me on this one. There are couples out there who have been dealing with an oc for several years. Visitation, money, etc. only to discover that the child is NOT his. They are embroiled in a huge legal battle because the wayward husband "assumed" parental responsibilty of the child.

4. Depending on which state you live in your h could be responsible for back child support, internment (costs of labor and delivery), the costs of the dna test if it's positive, current medical coverage and also a portion of child care costs. Any money that passes hands before a court order is made or before an attorney draws up a legal document signed by both parties may be considered a gift and may not be deducted from the back support amount owed. Some states base child support payments on both the husband and the wives income (another good reason to file for a legal separation). In other words the 'household income' is what they use to determine those payments not just the husbands income.

5. Any decisions to have contact with the oc if it is indeed your H's should be made by both of you. He should not be imposing his wants upon you if you want no contact. ANY decisions made regarding the possible oc should be made jointly. Your H should not be having any contact with ow unless you are both completely involved. That means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no meetings, nothing and NO SECRETS! PERIOD! But if you're smart--DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

6. Work on your marriage first and foremost before you even consider having contact. A weakened marriage will only be further weakened if you throw the tension of an oc into the mix. Get into marriage counseling and IC if possible. You can look around this board and see how difficult reconciliation is without an oc so take things slowly and think through them very carefully.

7. Contact with oc is a very personal choice. Many women are able to make the decision to go down that road while others are not. There is a lot of drama that goes along with contact, it's not an easy path to choose. Also consider that visitation can be started at any time down the road. If say in two years you are then open to the idea of contact the child won't have suffered if your husband wasn't involved for the first couple years. It won't even know the difference.

8. Remember that if the oc is indeed your husband's child the ow will no longer hold all the cards. If the two of you want contact she can't prevent it. She can't prevent you from being involved, etc. She can't call all the shots, only the courts can. Once she decides to attach paternity to your husband she is forfeiting a portion of her parental rights.

9. Make sure that you dot your i's and cross your t's in the form of legal documents. If you're adamant about no contact, have it in the papers. If you want to prevent her from making contact with your children or extended family put it in the paperwork. If your H is responsible for a portion of child care costs require ow to only use a licensed child care provider which will prevent her from having her momma watch and claim she's charging $250.00 a week when she's really charging nothing at all.

10. Protect your financial assets such as homes, etc. If you don't have a will get one now. If anything were to happen to your ws the ow would be able to fight you for a portion of everything if indeed the oc is his. Many people create a will that specifically excludes the oc or they leave the oc some small stipend such as a dollar so that the old "he forgot to include me" argument can't be used. If you intend to have a relationship with the oc should dna confirm that it's your H's then this is all a moot point.

11. If you and your spouse do decide to have contact document everything. Keep a notebook and list everything possible in it from the time the oc is picked up/ dropped off to whether or not they were dirty when you got them from the ow. This information has come in very handy for others in the same situation that ended up having to fight for custody, etc and it's one more way to protect yourself.

FAQs wrt OW/OC:

Q: What if there is an OC? Submitted by PHOEBE
A: This complicates so many things in a marriage I cannot answer it all but will hit on the highlights. There are many questions that need to be answered when it comes to dealing with an other child. First you must find out if the child is the H with a DNA test? Seek out a family attorney to consult with. This is a must because a family must know their rights. Too many get empty threats from the OP involved and they do not know any better so tend to believe many things untrue. Try to protect yourself and your children of the marriage legally.

Does the married couple want contact or no contact? NC or C are not easy, keep in mind wait to make an informed decision. I want to make it clear it is usually easier to heal a marriage without contact with the OP/OC initially. Contact can always be established later on after the marriage is repaired or far along as it can be in the healing process to consider contact with the OC.

It is a personal decision to include OC in your household or not. Neither choice is good or bad. Consider that it may be great to have the OC involved in 2 seperate families that are amicable or it may be detrimental to the OC to have to deal with 2 hostile environments. Many times the OC was not planned and the adults involved cannot get along, take a step back and think long and hard about the child's best interest.

The OC is no more important than the COM or the BS. You do not have to change your lives around to accept anyone. I know you may want to fix everything for your Spouse but you must let him take responsibility for his own actions. DS this is some of what I have to say about this if someone has already answered it you can add it. This is a complicated situation with too many variables

Q: How do I deal with continued contact with OW because of OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed
A: The decision on how to handle an OW/OC situation is a deeply personal one. Some BS find that they have it in their hearts to make the OC a part of their lives; others do not. There is no right or wrong answer to this situation. However, when it is the WS's choice to have contact with the OC then certain "battle" lines must be drawn with the OW, to facilitate the re-establishment of trust in the marriage.

This is best accomplished by establishing a clear understanding between the BS and WS of what will and will not be acceptable or allowable boundaries. Here are some hypothetical:


NC whatsoever with OW/OC
Contact with OC possible but with BS present
Neutral zone for visitation; no visits at OW's home, etc.
Legally drawn up contract stating acceptable parameters for OW to contact WS.
These are just a few sample suggestions. Remember, once there is an OC involved, and paternity has been established, BOTH parents have rights. Make them work for you. It is unbalancing and counter-productive to find yourself on the defensive with the OW.

Establish, with the assistance of your spouse, what your "comfort zone" and rights are with the OW, then send a clear and UNIFIED message to the OW of what you will and will not tolerate. This helps the BS to re-establish some control over a situation that is tragic for all concerned, but in which they, along with the OC, are also a victim.

Q: What do we tell our kids about OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed
A: Many BSs express concern over telling their children about the existence of the OW/OC. Fear of emotional trauma to the COM, damage to the parental relationship between the WS and COM, or other negative consequences relating to the A abound. How, or if, a BS decides to divulge this information is also highly individual and neither right nor wrong. Family dynamics, the ages of the COM, and other factors unique to the BS's family environment influence the decision.

Relying on one's instinct is probably a good place to start. If there is any uncertainty as to the affect disclosure may cause, then it is probably better to wait until a more opportune time arises. Children are resilient, but that does not mean they should be unnecessarily wounded or burdened with this knowledge.

Examining one's motives for exposing the OW/OC's existence may be one aspect to consider. Preparing them for a possibly unpleasant encounter with OW/OC at a future date might be another. Knowledge is power, but not if it creates a destabilizing environment for the COM. Consider all options and then take your time making the decision. Choosing the right time or place, and striving to neutralize the emotionally charged nature of the subject, can make the difference between a "successful" disclosure and a devastating one.

Good luck! Anyone wishing to repost (Copy/Paste)the above at the start of continued threads may do so. I think it is a good idea and helpful to newcomers.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dust,

I hope you look at the OC handbook that crazed posted. I have been able to find all of my info online by googling the state. But my biggest recommendation is to start saving for a lawyer who is skilled in this type of situation. It is very difficult to navigate paternity, CS, contact or NC without help from an attorney.

My H is currently being skewered on the daycare portion that was decided. It is actually more than the weekly CS award. Now, we are hopefully going back to court with the proof necessary that OW doesn't even have to work therefore does not require daycare for the OC.

Every state's laws are different and many do not have real guidelines for daycare awards. In general, imho, I think the courts lean towards the mother. Get an attorney.

I read your story - your baby is here now? If so and you aren't married, you must immediately find out what to do regarding your own child. Protect your child's right to CS. If you aren't married, you may need to have your fiance fill out an AOP (acknowledgement of paternity) or other legal papers so that the court will list your child first. Please, please talk to an attorney and protect your child's rights.

I wish peace for you - and all of us here at SI.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soverysad
I am not sure if you were referring to me when you asked if the baby was here. My baby isn't due until July 20th. So I still have a little over a month to go. As for the attorney, we don't have the money for one. We're really strapped for cash right now and don't have any way of saving up for an attorney either. I think by the time we had enough money for an attorney the OC would be about three years old lol. I am hoping that the court can appoint us one without us having to pay any lawyer fees.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soverysad,

i've read your story and i am so sorry for the hell you've gone through. i am sorry for all of us. i always thought that when i found "the one" he would be my soulmate and we'd live "happily ever after". i was wrong. most of the time i can only blame myself. he had a reputation and i thought i was "somebody" i thought i was enough...that i could change him. yes he is good now, yes he is doing everything right NOW. but i dont know if i can ever forgive him. its been over a year now and it still hurts.

one of my GF ran into OW at one of our favorite restaurants this weekend and saw OW for the 1st time. she called to give her sympathy. it was thoughtful of her. but that is a fear i have..what happens when we run into her around town? i hope the she doesn't ever think that she is our friend or that she should expect that any of our friends are friends of hers. i hate him for doing this to me and doing this to our life..our future. i am sorry this happened to me...i am sorry this crap has to happen to all of us.

sorry for the downer today...

[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 11:53 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
clv40
♀ Member
Member # 14409
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so very hard at times to deal with the A itself, but add an OC into the mix and it's just another ballpark. My WH and I are separated and I don't know if I will ever be able to see that innocent OC as anything other than a reminder of something that caused me and my family such devastation. It really is just very sad for all parties involved. (((hugs))) to us all!!

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Florida
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree that this R would be a whole lot easier without the threat of a OC. I know that I've come a long way in my recovery in a relatively short time. I have come to forgive my husband for the mistake or misfortunate events (as h puts it) and I've even come to the point where I can see the good that has come from his ONS (it happened twice but I still consider it a ONS since there were no emotions involved on his part). We are stronger in our marriage most of the time when I'm not flipping out emotionally which those instances have become fewer and further between lately thankfully! We talk sooo much more now instead of bottling our feelings up. Last night during one of our long tearful conversations my h asked me why I had never asked him about what the OW said to him during their final conversation when he told her he didn't want to ever see her again. He said that I had asked him about almost everything else but not that and I honestly could not answer because I don't know why I didn't ask that question but he went ahead and gave me the run down on what she said last night and it went something like this:
H: Hello.
OW: Where are you?
H: I'm at home.
OW: Are you packing your shit?
H: No.
OW: Why not?!?
H: Because I love her.
OW: Oh, you do, do you?
H: Yes. I'm staying with my family and I never will see you again so don't try to contact me.
OW: You know she will never forgive you!

And after that last statement my H took a framing hammer to his cell phone and smashed it into oblivion getting rid of her only way to communicate with him and his only way to communicate with her.

I'm not sure if that comforted me much hearing that but I'm glad he gave up the information willingly. I think what makes me the angriest about the conversation is that she had the audacity to think she was more important than myself and three kids and that he owed her something. That the meaningless sex they shared was worth more than my thirteen years of sacrifice for this man! The only reply I could give to him at that time was that it was obvious that she didn't know me and she didn't know him and she certainly didn't know "us" as a couple because she was dead wrong...I have forgiven him and he has done everything possible to earn that forgiveness everyday but it still scares me that this toxic woman could eventually be back in our life whether we like it or not. *sigh* Take care everyone it will get better I'm sure.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dust,
Yes, I was referring to you -- sorry, my math isn't always the greatest. I can relate to not having the money for an attorney but there is legal aid available. Be proactive about it -- look into it now. My suggestions to you are twofold. First, protect the baby you are about to have -- I don't think you are married yet -- therefore, if something happened to your fiance it would be more difficult to get social security, any life insurance, etcetera. You should be able to obtain an acknowledgement of paternity form from your doctor or even your local courthouse. Pick it up now and get him to fill it out. My H and I were not married when our first child was born - the midwife had him sign an AOP in front of a notary before she would sign the birth certificate. These kinds of things protect you and your baby if something happens down the road. I'm not saying it will -- just saying it is better to act as if it will and protect your child. If you are married, the child is considered his and should be protected by the law. When you pick up the AOP form ask about legal aid. Your fiance should not sign anything or give any money to the OW on behalf of the OC until DNA testing is done. That way she can't claim that he acknowledged the child as his. I know this is hard, but trust me, my H and I have been through the ringer with the legal system -- imho it is absolutely slanted toward the mother. Which isn't always a bad thing, but in my case has been a nightmare. Many hugs to you -- good luck with your beautiful child's birth. Take care of yourself.

Crazed,
Don't be sorry -- I really understand. But you know, you did nothing wrong. If you see her, hold your head high -- YOU didn't do this -- they did. From everything I have read, the pain will subside -- it seems to me that most folks say it starts to happen at the two year mark. I don't know, I'm almost at one year and sometimes I feel like I'm in the beginning again. This summer has alot of dates that are triggers for me. I think that the OC makes it harder too because of the "in your face all the time" thing. The OC is innocent but their existence is a big reality reminder.

This whole thing sucks. Every time I look online at our health insurance stuff, I have to see the OC's names. With my H's last name. One of them is named after him so it is even more salt in this very open wound. Right now we have petitioned the court to reopen the case as the OW has not provided her 1040s nor most of the receipts for nanny care and medical bills that she is claiming she paid. Can you believe we are paying a percentage of the cost for a nanny? All because OW brought a letter alledgedly written by the child's pediatrician stating he could not attend daycare. H's cs plus the nanny care is more than half his net income. Tell me how this makes sense. Part of why we think the judge will reopen the case is that the OW is blocking H's access to the children's medical records. But, even if we get the nanny care abolished or at least reduced, the financial damage is done. I'm looking for a job, but have not been successful. This is getting scary on top of being painful.

Sorry for going off -- I'm in insomnia land lately. Really keyed up regarding the court stuff. My H is trying really hard, but we have our ups and downs too. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't found SI. The support I find here is enormous. Many hugs to you crazed -- I'm sorry this is in your life and mine.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in and saying hello to all of us in this boat. OC and OW are in Europe now; phone calls to OC are being arranged; H was calling twice a month when they were in the US, and will try to continue that now, despite the time zone difficulties. Sucks that the child is too young to call directly and speak only to him--hate the fact that he has to talk to FOW to get updates about OC. But that time will come--maybe someday he will only have to talk to OC and all other info can be done with email between H and FOW.

That's the thing I obsess most about now--that and how we will arrange visitation so long distance. But each hurdle we've come to we've struggled to overcome--it's just so damn wearing.

Gotta learn to compartmentalize as well as H did during the A, I guess.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wimsey))) Take care of yourself.

Just found out that the OW quit her job to "be a full time mom". She can do this because she is getting so much money from my H. So she is sitting around while we are struggling to buy groceries. Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soverysad,

that does suck!! my OW was on welfare and basically had 0 income and i guess the good thing is that my H owns his own business and makes enough to provide and break even at the end of each year, so our CS has been minimal. please check with your state laws b/c if my understanding is correct, in CA if a parent decides to quit their job, they are still held to their "ability to earn". meaning if my H was an MD and was making 6 figures, but decided to quit his job to go back to school for some reason, the court would still hold him to his 6 figure income. i hope that made sense. just becareful, if she is unemployed does that mean that she will try to come for more $$ from you H? will the court still hold her to her ability to earn and her earning potential?

fortunately my OW just got a job she drives the city bus...but IMHO any job is better than no job. obviously just cause she got a job we will no go to change CS b/c it is quite minimal right now and b/c she is still on assistance, it doesn't go to OC anyways, it's all going to the state. my H is hoping that when she does get off welfare, we can come to some out of court agreement with her on CS. i'm not crazy about the idea but i guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. the OC will really grow up on 2 very different ends of the spectrum...culturally and economically.

crazy world we live in huh? but, i am have to admit that i am a little (just a little) sympathetic to our H for these extorting situations.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the empathy. We just found out about her quitting the job -- the key here will be to get it in writing. CS in the OW's state is based on the shared income model -- biggest thing there is that the OW is not providing her 1040s. We believe she has a trust fund -- don't think she actually has to work. It is more salt in the wound -- we are really struggling and she is lying and getting half of the H's income. I don't think she knows yet that we are asking the judge to reopen the case. We are trying to lay low but it becomes increasingly difficult. OW is a spoiled little you know what who is unaccustomed to not getting her way. She was shocked that my H dumped her. She still hasn't been held accountable for the credit card fraud -- I get the feeling that she has never been accountable for anything in her life.

I would check into your state CS laws. If she is on state assistance and then goes off, won't they make certain that the CS amount goes through the court system? I don't know, but you might want to check and be prepared.

Sometimes I think that the A is being smeared into my psyche with all of the CS stuff. I didn't ask for any of this. I do feel a little bad for the H's in this situation. How do they pick themselves up from this? My H is watching as I lose more weight, find it impossible to sleep and clip coupons so we can eat.

Life is crazy -- I keep wondering when am I going to wake up from this nightmare? Do you ever feel the same? Sorry - tonight is hard. This isn't what I thought my life would be.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC I would strongly recommend that your husband go through the court to have DNA established. If he has a relationship with the oc's and has paid CS before then the courts may not have much mercy on him not paying and playing daddy.

It's one thing when the child is first born and waiting for DNA.

I think you mentioned she is on public assistance and I am very surprised that they have not already asked for the father's information.

Just so I'm not misleading and I don't have time to post my story but I am a FOW w/oc. I'm not here to fight with the bw's and am almost 4 years past so it's been awhile for me.

Anyway, I just wanted to pass that along that maybe through the courts the cost will be much less. It's worth a try to put it to rest and know for sure or not. Good luck.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Marysway--have read your advice before and it's always been helpful. For a variety of reasons we haven't gone through the courts (mainly cuz FOW/OC are from Europe and our courts wouldn't have much power there), but our problem isn't CS so much as type of visitation, namely including me. Fought with OW for months, and finally at OC's age 16 months, H and I finally had him for a weekend visit together. But the courts would have helped with that too.

Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"... This isn't what I thought my life would be..." no kidding! this is a thought that lives with me daily. we are about a year out and its been tough...but one of the hardest parts was that he wanted me to be proud to be with him and proud to be his wife. is he remorseful...yeah i suppose in his own way. i mean having to admit to having unprotected sex with a "not so attractive, 200lb, welfare woman" is not not something he himself can be proud of either i suppose. but yeah...there are many moments in one day when i ask myself how my life got here...how did i get here. i hate to say it...and i don't really kow if i mean it or not, but if i could do it over again, i wouldn't. i guess in the beginning i got caught up in the chase and got caught up in the challenge...and in turn i paid and will pay for it for the rest of my life. but if i could turn back time and not have allowed myself to meet him and fall in love with him. i would do it. i guess some could say that i could just leave now. but i think everyone in this forum and on this website know how hard that is. it's lose-lose either way at this point in life. if i didn't leave him when he was a cheating bastard why would i leave him now when he's committed to me and the future we are suppose to have together? sigh...i dunno..lots of questions this week...no answers anywhere.

[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 5:20 PM, January 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
Sodown
♀ Member
Member # 2477
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What happened to the OC thread that had many more posts than this one and more people posting? anyone know??


A dog will not tell you he has fleas but you can tell by the way he scratches. Graham Willets (Thanks to Treharris Mid Glamorgan)

Posts: 4797 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: anywhere but here...
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazed -- Run, don't walk to an attorney. Yes, if something happens to you, the money your H gets from the life insurance and the 401K will be factored into his income. Also, in case something happens to him, your H needs a will that specifically deals with the life insurance as well as any other assets. Most states have requirements for the father to maintain a certain amount of life insurance for the child. If your house is in both of your names, the OW could come after a portion of it on behalf of the child, if your h passed away, unless he has a will specifically giving it to you and your child. If the OW is on welfare it is only a matter of time before the state comes after him.

Think carefully about what assets you have and in whose name they should be in. An attorney who works specifically with wills and multiple children situations would be the best. Please find one asap. PM me if you need further info.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, June 21st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how to quote here so bare with me

"Hi Marysway--have read your advice before and it's always been helpful. For a variety of reasons we haven't gone through the courts (mainly cuz FOW/OC are from Europe and our courts wouldn't have much power there), but our problem isn't CS so much as type of visitation, namely including me. Fought with OW for months, and finally at OC's age 16 months, H and I finally had him for a weekend visit together. But the courts would have helped with that too.
------------------------

Wim do I know you? I've met several from England but you said yours is moving to England? What other screen names do you use? Or if you perfer Pm me and tell me to refresh my memory. I'm getting old. LOL.

I was basically talking to this other gal BMC. I can see the writing on the wall now. With 3 oc's and having that LTR w/contact the mm being there as dad probaly paying her money when he could behind his wife's back and then when the cat is out of the bag he stops until he does get the DNA done. That just scares me a bit kwim?

So wim refresh my memory so I can go AWH I remember her!

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Edit ti add: Wim just read your post again. I got it now. NO, I was not talking in general (well could have been but...). Not everyone feels the need to have a DNA test. That is fine too if there is no doubt. That is a personal decission just as contact or NC is. Sometimes the writing is on the wall and other times well there is just no doubt. Sometimes there is no doubt but used on either side for there own personal ajenda. Which is sad.

I hope you guys get some quality time with your oc although he's in another country. You say he is a very sick child. Why did she move him across the country? I'm assuming she has family there I hope.

[This message edited by marysway at 12:25 AM, June 21st (Thursday)]


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


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