[This message edited by megmegryry at 2:43 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]
Misto, I never claimed to be a saint, so I have no clue where that comment came from. I've made it very clear in my posts that what I did was wrong. But you are certainly entitled to your opinion, and it doesn't bother me that it's not a "nice" opinion. I may be an ex-mistress, but one thing I am not, is a liar. Had I wanted to paint a pretty picture of myself, I could have lied and said I never knew he was married, but again I'm not a liar.
I came to this site specifically for the OC board, to talk to similar people in this situation, to get advice, and in very rare instances offer any help I could give.
As for Sparkles comment -it's fine if you want to bash me, but it's extremely harsh to bash Sparkle. She's keeping her sense of humor, and making a joke, which at this time is probably helping keep her sane.
While I understand you are hurting, I've read plenty on the boards about wishing the OP dead, some are joking, but a lot are "dead" serious about it too. You don't see anyone flaming them for their jokes do you?
I wish you well, I know the OC situation is a rough road.
Most lawyers offer a free consultation, maybe you could go see a family law lawyer, explain your story and see what options you have.
XWH died Dec. 2010
Visit with OC went fine--he's a congenial toddler who is warming to me and H and I had 3 days of visiting, playing, etc. That part is okay.
OW still gets between us though--she wants private time with H to discuss their kid, and who knows what else--I think she wants to maintain an emotional R with H, something to make her feel her child is part of a family of those three--and I don't think that's feasible for our M. H is trying what he can to keep their R solely over the child, but he does have "concern" for her as I've mentioned before, he relates it to the R with the child and not messing that up by having constant confrontations with OW with all the resulting tensions.
So we had our own confrontations about that--she doesn't want me present during their discussions about the child, which I agreed to since they were meeting for pick-up and drop-off in a public cafe--and the first day she said whether or not I accompany H getting to the cafe or dropping off at the end of the day was "our business".
Then she had her own meltdown,reversed what she said, didn't want to see my face, asked him if he could wait to call me to come after their discussion, he said no, and it disintegrated from there.
Problem was that I also had a meltdown, threw out the idea that I couldn't do this visit after visit, that it wouldn't work if he was willing to risk getting emotionally involved again (or more for all I know) by agreeing to a more separate situation picking up and dropping off. H felt that I was saying that what he was trying to do and was doing isn't good enough to make me feel safe or loved or whatever--and it discourages him and makes him feel hopeless--don't know what to do with all that.
At the moments of my meltdowns, I DO feel hopeless, and he can't just tell me what I want to hear, cuz his first concern is the R with his kid and how whatever R he has with OW will affect the kid if it's too tense, adversarial, or whatever. And now we're home and jet lagged and I'm still feeling somewhat hopeless.
Next visit isn't til the spring--and I don't know what to do. I really do not want to throw in the towel, my son is getting married in May (which we just found out and are thrilled about), and I don't want to wreck the wedding by leaving before it--and I still have this hope that it will work out somehow and H and I can make it--but it's a downward ride on the roller coaster for me today.
Wimsy I'm sorry . I wish I had words of wisdom for you. Your husband has to be the one to make these moves, and Congrats on your son's marriage this spring.
Otherwise how was your trip? Didn you get some R & R w/H?
I've said it to you before ane I do understand your husband's resons, but if only he would have legalized this you both would be dealing with less? I'm just sorry as I know how hard you are trying.
Hang in there 25! Don't throw the towel in yet. Your husband has been so honest with you about it all. He is involving you in this, he just needs to learn to put his foot down with ow and yeah she may scream and fight but call her bluff a few times and see what happens.
As for me I was a way for awhile. I got bit by a spider and was put in the hosptal for over a week and the whole month of Nov was just bad. I was pretty sick. I talked earlier about choices and all and ya know part of my choice of raising my daughter without her father was if something happens to me. I mean my twins had there dad to go too. I had to arrange and work around other's for her care. I mean she was well cared for but again we all to live with our choices. She had (oc) no choice but to be seperated from her family her sisters and me.
So Seriously, it's not just the mm who have to deal with things.
I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.
I know it would be better to have done the legal thing, but as I've said, she's in Europe now and our laws have no power there--and if we had done the court thing before she left, she would have stalled or fought it til she left the US and we'd have no jurisdiction over her, and we would have gotten stuck with enormous and unfair CS--so doing the CS agreement privately with her was the best way to go for us.
I have urged H to "get tough" with her, but he just won't--she's too much of a loose cannon, he's too concerned about messing up things, and too much of a KISA ( which is hard for him to continue being now that everything's out in the open and he's with me!!) to do it in such a tough love sort of way, plus he hates confrontation!! He prefers snail's pace negotiations with many setbacks--gives her an illusion of control I guess.
Not much R & R this trip--rained every day, but we did get out to dinner each night together, and did some shopping!
Thanks for the support, guys.
First I wated to give big hugs and kudos to BMC~ you are awesome for standing your ground. I personally don't know why people wouldn't want a test to be done, that they just want a daddy, any type of daddy figure, to take on the child or children. I believe there are so many reasons to know who a person's real father is, health reasons being one of the main ones. Your H can be mad all he wants, the workers can think you have "anger" (we've been cheated on....of COURSE we have anger! Sheesh! )...you know what you believe, and you're standing by that.
I really hope I didn't cause too much trouble with my comment to O and O.....I wish my H had never cheated at all. But since he did, what I was saying that I wish it would have been with someone less vindictive, hateful, money-hungry, crazy and seflish than the OW that I'm dealing with. Maybe that would've been a better way of putting it. Essentially, that I wish the OW in my case was as willing to take accountability and amend for the past as it seems O and O is. I hope you don't feel chased off this forum misto~ you belong here with us
Looking for the rainbow after the storm
marysway~ I accept that your personal mantra/philosophy etc. is that "it is what it is". I am in no way trying to say you're wrong for thinking that. For me, though, "it is what it is" is confusing. Even after years of in depth talking, analyzing and journaling, the fact is that I still can't say I know exactly what "it" is. I may never know. I am one of those people that I feel driven bonkers when I can't make sense out of something, and I can't make any sense out of the whole affair and OC situation. To me, "what it is"= a big, huge mess.
I don't know if you meant to direct the part about FWH being "man" enough to admit that he loved OW towards my H, and if that wasn't directed at me (or anyone) then ok. I don't doubt that there are affairs out there that do have an emotional element or love. I've heard enough to know that sometimes the AP's wind up together. Even those who don't, sometimes the XWS did feel torn between the spouse and the AP.
I just want you to know that I have had the "love" discussion with my H, a few times actually. If I felt in any way that he did love her, I wouldn't be here. I told him that he was free to be with her if he wanted, I wouldn't make it difficult for him. I didn't want a marriage in which I had to "share" his love, time and affection. But my FWH insisted that he did not and does not love the OW....and I do believe him. Not because I think he's "downplaying" anything~ I've known him for years. I've known her longer. I know her history with guys. This is someone who has had some 25 boyfriends/lovers and two husbands.....all in the span of about 14 years....and she claimed she was madly in love with all of them and that all of them loved her. Maybe in some way, that is HER "truth". But,personally, that's not how I define love, and that's my truth. I believe commitment and honesty is an important part of love. I believe sticking things out and being there for each other is love. And I know she is not like that.
Now it's to the point where OW and FWH have both said they hate each other. This is why I wonder (not that I worry too much about it) how it is going to be when OC asks or FWH tells OC that he didn't love OC's mother. I know he won't bad-mouth her or say his true feelings....but I know that he cannot and will not say that he loved her at all.
Also, I do know some OC's who have harbored negative feelings towards the BW, because OW made it seem like BW is the one who stood in the way of OW and MM being together, that if it weren't for BW, then "they" would have been a family. Sad but true. This is another big reason why I am concerned with OW saying things to make it seem like there was more than there was. We can't stop OW from saying what she wants. But we can give th truth as we know it. That's just how I feel about that issue. I hope I didn't offend anyone.
As for the multiple personalities, we all think are kids are beautiful and wonderful, but at times they can be shits - so it has nothing to do with a "split personality".
I'm sure you have all read the my husband and I are NC with OW or OC,but from time to time I check OW myspace page cause she has pictures of OC on there and I check to make sure OC is alright. Just cause we have NC doesn't mean I want anything bad for OC and to be honest if something were to happen to OW and OC needed a place to go she could come to us just so long as her mother is out of the picture
And that information above is kind of hypocritical. While I'm sure you don't want anything "bad" for the child, you chose NC, and in essence don't really care for the child or her well being. If you were truly interested in the child being ok, you and her father would be involved in her life and showing her she is loved. How nice of you that, only if and when her mom dies, you'll be willing to accept her into your family!