It is going to be very hard with 3 extra kids in the house, and we don't qualify for any programs and I will be on disability in 2 weeks after my surgery. I want to make sure that I am not out very long, but I have to make sure that I am not moving too much so I can heal.
I am very nervous about the future. The good thing is that my H is in treatment and seems to really want it this time, but now I am trying to decide to put my 18 yr. old into inpatient treatment.
I just wish I could catch a break. I am tired and broke and sick. Try to do the right thing and all I get is a bunch of walls.
One of the differences in our situation is that WH is not NC, he has visitation and joint legal custody, and OW filed for him to pay support through DRS. So him and I sometimes have issues because I get upset when our COM are getting less than they deserve. As their mother, I want the best for them, as I'm sure OW feels about OC. I think that's just one of the things that makes the OC situation so murky, is that each woman is protective of themselves and their child(ren).
In my personal situation, I mention OW's accountability because we're also dealing with a double betrayal~ she knew we were married and had kids, because she was one of my "best friend"s for years before either of us knew WH. She came to the hospital twice to visit us when I gave birth. I babysat for her daughter (and later OC) and her daughter played with my girls. OW talked to my girls. So when D-Day came, not only did I have many questions for WH, I had questions for OW too. If she were a strange woman who didn't know me, I don't think I would have any blame towards her for her part in things. But OW knew full well what she was doing, what risks were being taken, just as WH knew. And yet she forgot about our "friendship" and her ties to our kids, and just thought about what she wanted to do. She lied to me just as much as WH did. I asked her a few times if there was anything going on and if so, what it was~ and she flat-out lied and gaslighted me. But while WH and I confronted and worked through our issues (granted, it was not easy)....OW simply decided that she didn't want to talk about why she betrayed my friendship or anything like that, and just wanted to tell me how WH "seduced" her. That is why I say this particular OW doesn't accept accountability. I commend the OW that do. I know, by seeing WH, that it is tough to not only own up to, but analyze the dark side of yourself, to have to think in depth about something you're not proud of.
Looking for the rainbow after the storm
The reason I mention OW being honest with OC in our situation is that when OC is of age, there is court paperwork showing how she filed support against the other MM first, how paternity was negative against him, how she waited until OC was almost 2 before deciding to file against my H. So I was just thinking that if OW makes OC believe that her and my H were "together", that OC will naturally have questions like "Who is this other guy that you named as my father first?" ,"How could you be together with both him and my real Dad?", "After you found out the first MM wasn't my Dad, why did you not do anything until over a year later?". It may also seem odd to OC that he has her first ex-husband's last name, even though they'd long since separated by the time OC was born. She has her 2nd ex-husband's last name btw.
So I just wonder what OC is going to think if OW tells him that she and WH had a relationship, but he sees that she was still married, she had another MM that she wanted to be his father, etc. She's also told us that she has printed out e-mails both WH and I have sent her, and I know she journals. If OC reads any of that, then what will he think? OW will have made him think that her and WH were close, but if that is what "love" means, I just think it will seem confusing for those facts and actions to seem like love.
When I responded to her at the time, I was still very much in a state of extreme emotions. After much contemplation, I'd like to think that what follows is an honest, non-bashing view for OW to see where at least one BS is coming from and some of the reasons why I believe and OC from affair situation is hard to deal with.
Of course many mothers think of their children as gifts from God, as I did and do about each of my kids. However, hearing OW tell me OC is a gift from God felt like the emotional equivalent of rock salt being blasted into my wounds. I can't ask or expect her not to think that. But I was angry at her for throwing it in my face verbally.
I've read on SI about how some OP's want to justify the affair. That's exactly what I felt like OW was doing, was saying that I had to suffer through the heartbreak of the A just so she could have "her" son (I say that because she only refers to OC as hers, never her son with my husband). And when she mentioned God, it screwed with my personal belief system....like all of the things I grew up believing were "right", I was now being told that "God" wanted my husband to cheat so that OC could be born. That's how it felt and what it seeemed OW wanted me to think. And I actually did lose my faith for quite awhile...I felt like there was nothing to believe in, that I'd gotten burned and abandoned. I had to "re-build" myself and help build our marriage and family back up from the damage. I formed new beliefs and philosophies as a way to adapt.
Anyway, I think what makes it hard for BS's like myself is that so many times it feels like OC is an affront to the life we knew. It changes so many things. While some that are dealing with affairs can think "Ok, it's over and done with", once there is an OC, it is a reality that never goes away. Contact or NC, it is not something we can just "put in the past". There is a living and breathing reminder (or reminders) of how WS and OP were selfish.
That's another hard fact~ it is already alot to contend with for BS's how they were ignored, neglected and so on because WS and OP thought only of themselves in the moment. I can personally say that after D-Day, I felt like I wanted to be selfish. Now the tough part is that, I think, it is natural for a BS to have intense feelings of self-preservation. In a situation like this, I think it is normal to feel that, for your own health and sanity, you need to look out for yourself and think about what makes you happy.
Now with an OC in the mix, there's the conflict that what is best for OC and what OW wants, and what is best for the BS and COM.....how often is that going to be the same thing? That's a lot of dynamic and different personalities. Disagreements are practically a given. But you have OW,who was not a part of the picture, with her feelings and opinions~ and BS, who didn't ask for or choose this situation.
Now of course the child or children didn't ask to be brought into this kind of situation either. But it's not easy for a BS to put aside her feelings and all, just to do what is best for the OC. It makes me feel like I am somewhat of a doormat again, that I'm backed into a corner~ if I stand up for myself, my kids and my marriage and all by being honest....then I will most likely be seen as the bitch or the "crazy wife". But if I put the child before myself and my kids, then I feel like I'm giving up pieces of myself. It makes me feel manipulated in a way. I care about OC, he is a part of my husband after all, and I do love my husband. But I cannot honestly say that I'm glad OC is here or that I "cherish" him. To me, that is like saying that I cherish the fact that my husband broke his vows, that I am glad that WH and my ex "friend" had sex. I'm not glad about it.
I had planned to write more, but it's time to put the kindergartner on the bus
I am sorry for my affair, and I never intended to get pregnant. I never wanted children, because quite obviously (affair in itself)I was a very selfish person. I liked my freedom, coming and going with nothing to tie me down, I was quite the partier, I had NO patience w/other children and I always believed I'd never be a good mother. While you see the OC as something "bad", I see my son as a gift and something good that came from my affair. Before him, it was all about me, and now that I've had him, he has taught me that I can't be selfish, that it was time to grow up and stop thinking of myself. And to boot, as cliche as it sounds, I NEVER thought it was possible to love something so much. He is a shining light and has brought so much to my life as well as the rest of my family.
As for your religious reference, I'm not religious at all. While I believe in a higher power, I don't conform to mainstream religion. I wasn't implying that God wanted your husband to have an affair, just simply saying that all children are precious and a gift - maybe not to you, and I can understand that.
Our situations are different because you have contact with the OC and OW. And I am not your ex OW. I think that your children and the OC are both equally important. And I'm not saying don't stick up for yourself/marriage/your children. All mothers are fiercly protective of their children, it's just natural and nothing to be ashamed of! And I don't think your are a crazy bitch or selfish.
In my situation, I know for a fact that my exMM wife really pushed hard for him to be involved in our son's life, but he made the decision not to. And even if there was contact, I wouldn't hate his wife or think bad of her. We spoke once over the phone and met once in person, she was extremely kind to me when I certainly didn't deserve it and I have the utmost respect for her. I am of the thinking that it would only benefit my son to have a loving step mother, the more family the better. But, the problem is that every situation is different. Some of you here are dealing with crazy, vindictive, money hungry OW - and that's not me. I want what's best for my son, and would do ANYTHING to ensure that his needs were being met both financially and emotionally.
While I know that I've bent over backwards to try and facilitate a relationship between my son and his father, I also will always carry extreme guilt because it is because of ME that my son will never have a father ... not his wife, not exMM, just me! Why? Because to go back to the beginning, I chose to get involved w/a married man. I own my shit 100%!
I admire you, for trying to keep your marriage together, and for trying to accept OC into your life and your family. I have no doubt it is not easy, but at some point we all have to let go of the past and look towards the future - see the positives that come out of things. I can't dwell on the things that I can't change and you shouldn't either. You didn't ask for any of this, but it is what is is. I know that statement isn't much comfort, but it's the truth.
Contact or no contact, keep all correspondance in writing, print copies, any conversations record and put that info in a safe. When and if down the line you guys are made out to be the bad guys by the OW, then the OC can sit down and read and hear for himself what a bunch of lies he has been fed by his mom.
I do this w/my son's father even though he is no contact. Why? Because like you guys, down the road I don't want him telling my son that I was a vindictive bitch, tried to split up his marriage, went crazy and tried to ruin is family, give ultimatums, or tried to keep my son from his dad.
Unfortunately in this situation, both sides are somewhat paranoid. And it's best to cover your ass. I want solid proof for my son when he comes to me and asks me why his dad wasn't a part of his life. I won't bad mouth his dad, or say bad things, but I will have the proof to show my son that I never once hindered a relationship and always kept the door open for a relationship to eventually develop.
I'm not saying this to bash any other exOW on here with an OC, so don't take this post wrong.
MYOC - it's not easy, and I will forever feel guilt for my son not having a father, BUT myself and my family worship the ground he runs on (hehe cause he no longer walks anywhere)! He doesn't lack for love and he never will! Kudos to you as well!
Seriously, I know you weren't bashing, and you have a lot of maturity in how you're dealing with the aftermath of the A.
It's not so much that I see OC as "bad", it's just very hard to forget about the fact that while she loves him and is happy to have him (naturally), the reason he is here is because of something that was hurtful to me and my family. Back when I honestly thought he was the other MM's child, I was supportive of her and cared for him....otherwise I never would have been there to help him be born. But when D-Day happened it was like my whole world was turned upside-down. I just couldn't see him in the same light after that~ no matter how cute he was and how good he acted, he was no longer just my "best friend's" son, he was an on-going offshoot of the affair.
As you said, I think in my personal situation a lot of it has to do with OW's behavior. I know OC does not have anything to do with how his mother acts. She was the one who decided that she was not going to accept WH helping her out....that she wanted whatever amount DRS "quoted" her (her words) in CS. She is the one who fought to get retroactive support from OC's birth, even though she was the one who said there was no way WH could be his father. Because of the money issues, there are so many things that the COM and myself can't get....and those are the worst times. Knowing how OW is spoiling herself with the extra money she gets. It brings up a lot of the negative feelings towards WH again, and towards her. No matter how hard I try not to think about it, the question "Why? Why did they do this?" still pops into my head.
And in a way, I feel bad for OC, because it is like she's using him as a tool to keep "getting her revenge" on us or whatever. The never-ending fights. The money. There is a term called "stay away and pay" that I've heard....I think that is very accurate here~ she wants the money, but doesn't want WH to have a presence in OC's life.
Anyway, I wanted to give you major, major kudos~ even if you were selfish before, you sound like you've gotten very level-headed and grounded. No need to apologize for the trigger....you didn't put this situation in my life. The triggers are just there....lots of things can make me trigger. But it's refreshing to hear from an ex-OW that doesn't want to play mind games and realizes her part in things. You're ok in my book
As for a quick update: My son is growing fast and is getting chubby and I love him so much. I am back to work now and it is hard being away from him all day long, all I do is watch the clock to see if its time to pick him up yet. Not everyone can be like OW and live off of our tax-payers dollars on welfare for the 1 and ˝ yr of her son’s life! But as I had mentioned in my last post we ran into OW at one of our local hangouts. Subsequently after that I ran into her again and guess what! You guys would be proud of me…I SPOKE TO HER. We were at the bar and one of my friends was chatting with someone so I walked over to her and introduced myself, even though she knew who I was, we’ve never spoken. So I walked over and said “OW, my name is BS” and she smiled and said “I know…I guess things don’t have to be so awkward” and I was polite and said “Yeah I know, I guess I am helping to raise your son…” then I told her that our baby was born and showed her a picture and that was pretty much it…I was very polite to her and I guess it was nice to break the ice, especially since it seems like she is going to continue to show up at our friends club. I told FWS what I did and told him that he should be proud of me. He said he was and he also said… “remember we have our own life, be cordial..but distant”. Anyways, I will always hate what happened, but life goes on right? At least the ice has been broken and I can enjoy myself when I go out and not be too bothered by her presence
Here is a question for those that are nc. You are nc. Why do you care what oc is told? It's not like you and your family want a relationship with the oc. I say don't worry about what oc is told. Your not a part of raising that child and if the ow is in la la land and chooses to fanitise the truth that is what is going to happen and it is what it is.
Will I? Nope. But I do know I had a relationship w/xmm. I do know that my child is loved although not by him or his family, but mine. I had a long post but lost it somehow I think... but the readers digest version of it (I need to get to bed) is there is more than one truth as in most sithces. We all know that not all mm's are capable of telling the truth either. How do you know that your husband's did not tell the ow's they had undieing love for them? Again as stated...all these sitch's are different just as they are simular but Seriously if your husband has no plans on being apart of the life of his child he should not even care what is told. It is what it is correct? No offensive intended, but Seriously!
I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.
I can tell you that I dont spent one minute thinking about what they will tell their COM about this situation I dont even worry about what they will say to OC if one day they meet. If I do my job well with him it wont even matter
I know it is difficult, but try not to worry too much about the "what ifs" until the results are in. It may save you some unnecessary racing thoughts. Hopefully the results will show your H is not the father.
marysway~ I'm not good at quoting either. Even though we're not NC, there was a time we thought we might be, and OW kept NC anyway because she didn't want to pursue a test on my H. But one of the reasons we wanted paternity done and the reason we were and are concerned with what OC hears from OW is that once the child reaches a certain age, they might decide to contact their father. So if a family does decide to go NC, they move on from the sitch....and then suddenly they get a phone call or a knock on the door, and all the old business comes right back up again. And they'll directly be confronted with any lies and fantasies the OW has told the child, and what the child believes.
As for the "love", that's another one of the ugly truths about affairs. I know OW's don't like to think about it, but if the MM really and truly loved them, why wouldn't they be with them? For the spouses who are reconciling, the husband isn't being forced to love his wife....he has chosen to stay in his marriage and work things out. Yes, if they said they loved the OW, that is wrong on their part. But, at some point, an OW must realize that she's selling herself short by thinking about a man who is thinking about his wife. Everyone involved deserves more than that.
I think, too, that it shows BS is thinking about OC's feelings. We were lied to, so we know the damage it causes and wouldn't want a child to feel that kind of confusion. And if an OW does tell lies, it is a form of slander, and also parental alienation....if the father does want to be involved, but the mother tries to sabotage the relationship and paint the father as a bad guy. Some people don't want the person they love to be bad-mouthed by someone else. Not that one can control what is said, but I liked the ideas of having something to show the OC the other side of the story.
okay as far as your response I can relate and even agree with a lot of it.
My point of what I said is why should you or h care? A decission has been made. We all have to live with the decissions we make regardless of the reasons or the outcome.
WE ALL live with our choices. Just like the ow's who have the children and the xmm wants nothing to do with that child. We are living with the choice to raise that child without there father and the outcome that COULD come with that. It's not easy raising kids in this day and age no matter what the circumstances. Kwim?
This subject reminds me of poster on another board. They went nc for the childs 18 years. They fought with the ow the entire time. The xmm and wife had more money and did all kinds of legal manuvers to the ow. Apprently when the kid was 18 he went to meet his dad and they sat him down and told them there side of the story and the boy apprently said he could see that his mother was liar and that he did not blame the father for going nc. Do I believe her? Maybe probally not because it's been proven that children can be pretty loyal to the ones that love them back but then again his mom could have been a loon too. Who knows. But if your oc comes and knocks on your door there is NO reason even when it comes up that it should be xmm against ow. The xmm made a choice. The ow raised the child. It is what it is. Ow has to live with her choices of screwing around w/a MM and MM has to live with his choice of going nc.
As far as telling the oc the truth......whose truth? The mms or the ows? There is a fine line between that.
Example me.....my truth is what happened in the relationship with mm. Then what happened after I became pregnant. Now to protect my child I will never in a million years tell my child his words towards her or actions. I have to much love and want my child to have a healthy mind and soul. She and him may choose to have a relationship one day down the line and that would be great and it's up to the two of them to work through the process. I have nothing to do with his decission for NC that is ALL on him for what ever reason. He told me what he was going to do and I said fine. I did what I had to do and he did what he felt he had to do.
I don't bother them, call them, send them any pics of her or updates on her I leave them alone. They now leave me alone. So all is good. Kwim?
But I guess my point is regardless of how stupid I was for believing him and eating up all he said and showed me I still at the time believed him. I know we did have a relationship. It was not just sex and it was not once in awhile (regardless of how wrong it was). I think it's wimsy that admits that her husband had a relationship with the ow. So that does happen. Wimsys husband was man enough to admit this to his wife. He did not down play it or say it was just this or that. So what I choose to tell my oc is my truth. It's what I knew while I was going through it. The end result is as well what it is and there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is.
Like the other poster said....I don't worry about what he tells his kids if he tells them anything. I'm not worried about his kids meeting my kid and comparing stories one day. As long as my children are protectable I will protect them, at the same time I won't lie to them. I will tell the truth but only when they are old enough (and gradually)to understand this. If by some chance she ever meets her dad and he has a totally different picture to show her then it's up to her to believe it or not. If I show her truth through out her life then of course she is going to believe me over her dad. If I show her lies and always letting her down then she will question what ever I tell her, and believe her dad. Hopefully if that ever happens our stories will somehow meet close together and she won['t have to choose who to believe....and it's a non issue.
Long and short of it is all of us have to live with our choices that we all make in life. I know I've paid my dues dearly for my end of the affair. I had it coming and that part of my life is over and done with. All I can do is raise my kids and show them how to be the best they can be.
The least of any of the bw's worries should be what if oc comes around one day and the ow lied to them. Come on.....we all made choices and have to live with them. kwim?
My sermon is over
The workers got mad and ask me why am I questioning this now. I said I have been asking for paternity for weeks now, no one was listening including my H.
I need to protect myself, my kids and the OC. Well, my H is pissed because he was prepared to just take the OC because he believes them to be his. Well that may very well be, but I am sick of OW having kids and walking away without any consquences. She has six kids and doesn't have any of them!
So the man worker says, biological father and mother have no problem with paternity, so what is the problem. I said I have a problem. I am the wife and have been for close to 20 yrs. now, it is my house and I feel that we all need to know for sure. Also this is a legal loophole in the fact that he is not on birth certificate, never signed anything and no DNA test was done. therefore they have no legal father.
So the test is scheduled in 2 weeks. I really tried to keep my composure today, but I look up and my H is missing and OW is missing so I go looking for them and they are in the corner talking. I said I thought I said that they was going to be no private conversations without me.
The OW goes off about me disrespecting her and taking her kids and tries to leave the court before even going into the hearing. The workers are running after her, I said let the bitch leave and get a warrant on her.
So now my H is mad said I embarrassed him in front of the workers and I did not need to be that way. I said what am I a bottomless pit of forgiveness? Sometimes you get sick of being the nice guy. They were just content with sticking me with the OC permanently without this crucial information.
The worker keeps telling me how bonded they are to my family and what will happen if my H is not the father? I said, we will probably try to keep them anyway. Well if that is so, why do you need this? Because they deserve to know too, we all have rights and someone need to protect them and you will not make me feel guilty for protecting ev1 I needed to.
Well the worker says I have a lot of anger and they are concerned for our marriage. I said the only problem I have right now is the constant contact my H and OW keep having behind my back. Worker and lawyer tell my H that he needs to understand my point of view with this and as the wife I deserve the respect.
So my H says that OW doesn't have to talk to him ever again and says I am looking you in your eyes and telling you this now. So worker and lawyer say ok, lets put it in writing that OW is not to have contact with you by phone or any other means and that if she wants to contact her kids she needs to talk to your wife. They ask me if I have a problem with that. I said no, I know she is their mother and I am not trying to cut her out of their lives, I just don't want her talking to my H and calling him while he is a work when she knows that he is not with OC.
Well, OW leaves the court before even getting the court order or this new arrangement. Worker say I can't believe she left. I said this is check day and that is all she cares about. Oh and before she left she ask if we could come back down there Thursday and get some clothes she is going to buy for kids. Hell no! I am not traveling 1 1/2 hrs. 3 times this week and why don't you just give us the money.You are getting the money today. Because she has no intention of doing anything.
Worker brings us the cars seats. They are so dirty, she has them in 2 trashbags each. you are really going to have to clean them up she says. I figured that.
So now my H is not speaking to me. Well I told him you are mad at me, he says yes. I said when you get 10 yrs. of mad, then we will be even
Okay, I'm ready to get trashed because I've sat quietly and read all the OW posts and the BW's replies of why couldn't my FWH have cheated with you! That response completely sickens me!! She was a cheater too...did she not know that it was a MM? Somehow, I don't think so. You may have turned over a new leaf but that doesn't make you a saint...you still screwed another woman's H and tried to destroy a marriage all in the name of a good time or luvvvvv as we like to put it on SI. There are two sides to this story and we all know that anyone can paint a pretty picture of themselves and situations on a message board. Sorry, I just couldn't remain silent anymore and I don't mean to bash anyone but those are just my feelings about it.
what you posted was bashing several members that participate in this thread and that is not acceptable