anyways...i've been meaning to post for a while, but didn't know where to start. with my own baby now...new wounds were reopened and it felt like i had to survive those feelings of betrayal all over again..and that in addition to probably some natural post-partum feelings...its been tough. i feel detached from my H, i feel like i have bipolar moments...one moment i'm ok with what life dealt me..and then the next moment i'm filled with hate and anger at him...for what he did, for what he brought into my life.
i find myself numb when OC is around. b/c i know how it feels to love my own child so much...i realize that i dont feel that way about OC, is that strange? i am going through a lot of different emotions these days...and at the end of the day i don't like myself very much.
isn't it funny how our spouses where the ones who make mistake that changes everyone's lives...yet at the end of the day i feel like i am the evil person who is filled with hate and bitterness. i think i need to find help. i need to somehow find peace with all this. my son is too young to know anything now...but as he grows i don't want him to sense my unhappiness.
we went out for the 1st time in a long time this past weekend and my worse fear came true. we ran into OW at the club. this was our friends place, this is where WE hang out, why the hell can't she just stay away. i had a couple of drinks in me and well...i was a mess. thank god i didn't make a scene...i basically just curled up in a corner and cried...it felt good to cry. i felt stupid...i felt embarrassed...that my H had traded me for one drunk night with that piece of nothing...and she had his baby. oh yeah and then it doesn't help that i found her myspace either...everytime i look at it, i am filled with hate for my H.
i need help...i love my son and he is my life now...but i can't remember the last time i felt happy. i don't know if anything will make this life any better...
Second, you are FULL of hormones, sleep deprivation, and anxiety about being a new mom right now--this will change. You won't feel like this in a few weeks.
Third, it's not surprising that you don't feel the same love for OC, and I think you are expecting too much of yourself to think that is necessary or realistic.
I don't remember your story, but it sounds like you see OC and are a good step-mom. That, plus accepting what your H did in the first place, is enough!!! Ease up on yourself
Plus your d-day isn't that far in the past. At this point, even with not being post-partum, I had many ups and downs with my feelings toward my H--and they still show up. Focus on your new family, sleep when the baby sleeps, and enjoy this special time of getting to know your son.
And if you are bipolar, you're not pregnant anymore--get the necessary meds!! Not trying to be flip--just supportive.
You are not an evil person!!! Congrats again!!
XWH died Dec. 2010
Here's an idea..A friend of mine fathered a child once when he was around 19 or so. He and the child's mother were not ready to raise a kid (they were "friends with benefits") and gave her up for adoption at birth. In case she ever came looking for him, he put some money away every year in a seperate account. When she was around 20, she did find him. And he had about $20,000.00 to give her. I'm not saying that you should put away so much. It could be less. Maybe if your husband wrote a letter each year on her birthday instead, and kept them in a binder, he could give that to her if she ever comes looking for him. That would show that he cared, but when she came along, he made what he thought was the best decision for everyone involved. She may never come to find him; then whatever money was saved, or whatever was written, could be dealt with then.
It was OW's choice as well as your H's--try to focus on your family.
I haven't posted in quite some time, though it probably might have helped. I've been in a very black funk for the past several months. WH has been working at a great job for over 6 months now, and it should be a good thing. But it means that the UO gets her money as she fought for. And the local DRS is awful.....twice they demanded lump sum payments or threatened contempt of court. On top of the lump sum they also wanted a double payment, because after years and years, they suddenly decided that support should be paid by the first of the month for everyone. So that month, our family had so little money to work with, and it hit us hard.
I HATE knowing that she and her kids get to live high on the hog while our family is struggling. I got so desperate at one point that I wrote her to see if she would send some of the extra payments she was getting so that we could buy school clothes for our daughters, which they needed and deserve. This is after I found out that she spent over $200 on two concerts she wanted to go to! But of course, she ignored it and said only WH can communicate with her. And then she told him how she doesn't have to discuss the money or the effects on our kids.....all she cares about is OC. And it pisses me off so much that she used to come to our house and watch our kids play....how she even came to visit our firstborn in the hospital and held her.....and yet she gloats over the fact that she can take the clothes off their backs??
Just as frustratng (if not moreso) is the fact that she goes against the court order for custody like all the time! She emailed and texted WH and I saying that OC had two birthday parties he wanted to go to for the scheduled weekend. And when we told her that it was the scheduled weekend and WH planned on picking him up, she went off as usual and started yelling and saying "Don't come to pick him up, he won't go with you, don't come, I have many people telling me these parties are way more important for him than to go to your house". We'd already told her that we had other errands to run that evening after picking OC up, so we couldn't afford to spend time waiting for the authorities to show up, and other times WH has told them about OW denying scheduled visitation, they really don't care, they treat it like an annoyance and they are reluctant to take any action. The cop didn't even want to file it on record last time. So the end result was that WH relented and another visit was missed in a long line of many.
But the frustrating part is that when OW was fighting us on the issue, she was saying that we want her to "bend" for us but we "never" bend for her or OC. Of course, this is a twisted lie~ the reason we are frustrated is that we've both helped OW immensely over the years....and believe me, now I wish I'd never wasted my time on someone this demented. But then she always wants to push for more...meanwhile she's going around like our kids are pieces of trash!! And I'm sick of both her wanting WH to favor OC and allow her "household" to have the best of everything while knowing that our children aren't getting as much as they deserve.
I'll just post this for now...
Looking for the rainbow after the storm
I know someone mentioned about how things are going to be when the children find out. First let me say that I know what works for people is always different, this is just how we have handled it. As it stands right now, the girls know that OC is their half-brother. Beyond that they really haven't asked any questions, although I imagne those will come later, when they're older. The oldest (who's 9 right now) just had a strange look on her face and said "So Daddy's his Dad and [OW] is his mom?". And we just said Yes, that's correct. After that she just went off to play again.
hurtntoomuch~ you said that in your situation you worry how it seems like your H has just walked away from his child. My opinion is that if the OW was willing to make a deal like that, then she REALLY doesn't want your H to be ivolved with the child. OW in our case is very similar, she's even brought that up before~ that she's thought about getting WH to sign over his rights so long as we NEVER contact them. The main reason she hasn't actually gone to the court for that? She wants the money too much. She'd rather keep fighting with us than to give up the easy money. Also, she was pushing for her 2nd husband to be able to adopt him, but now he has split from her too. This makes 4 cases that she's filed with DRS, for 3 different kids. And she also gets a hefty monthly SSI check for OC.
But anyway, my point is that when an OW is that determined to keep the father an child separate, it may not be worth it to fight that much....because it's not healthy for anyone~ especially your family and the OC. When they are older, chances are that they may want to find things out for themselves....and at that age, what is OW going to do to stop the child from contacting their father? Yes, she may be painting her own picture to the OC, but if and when OC talks to your H, it will not be your H's fault what the OW has said. And I can understand why your H says that he is putting your family first, it's like a way to make things as they were supposed to be. I think it's a good thing that he wants the marriage to be a priority. I think redvixen had some good ideas, in fact we may try to incorporate them (WH does have custody, but OW severely limits contact anyway)
WS has agreed that, when the child is born, a DNA test must be done, but I have no clue how to do that when SHE is in Shanghai and we're here in the US.
How many of you are R with WS, despite OC? How's that going?
I've been wanting R. Only God knows why exactly...WH is truly a schmuck. he left me pregnant (7mos) to be with this woman who also left her BH. They've now been "together" 6 months. I use quotes because roughly every 3 weeks, my WH comes crying to me how sorry he is and how much he misses me and kids. Then, BAM, back to her.
NOw he admits there's another pregnancy. What am I supposed to do with that?
How'd you cope? What went through your mind? I'm trying to see how others did it. I'm so numb right now, I don't know what I'm feeling/thinking.
This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree
I am R with my FWS despite the OC situation which in my situation I don't even know if we have to worry about the OC since we haven't heard from the OW since March (sigh of relief). At nine months out from Dday we are doing relatively well with just a few setbacks lately (triggers for me) caused my the birth of the OC last month and this month is our anniversary. R can happen if you have a remorseful, willing SO but it sounds as if yours has his head stuck up his *ss and you need to do the 180 on him (read healing library) so that he realizes you are not his doormat to come back to when fantasy land isn't all it's cracked up to be! If you need an ear send a PM and big hugs again girl we all need them!
It's harder cuz you have to recover from the infidelity at the same time as walking through the minefield of contact with OC, and thus by extension OW. Infinitely difficult--we're over 2 years from d-day and nearly 2 years from OC's birthday. Doesn't get easier exactly, cuz OW often throws monkey wrenches into the sitch, but you sort of get used to the drama and trauma--or at least used to expecting it.
Trouble is, the drama and trauma will never really go away--we're still learning about how to deal with it constructively, haven't learned yet, but are trying.
I don't have any advice for your exact situation--H has to be done with the infidelity, remorseful with you, and trying his damnedest to make you feel number one in his life--your H hasn't committed yet, so it will be almost impossible for you I think. The advice about the 180 is good--hard to do, but it's for yourself, your own survival.
We are in R and have custody of the 3 OC!
It is very difficult somedays not to think about the past and how it got to this point. Knowing that my H is trying to change and be a responsible H and father is helping.
The fact that we are not fighting about contact with OW anymore is also helping. We are trying to set boundaries and we make sure that we call each other at our lunch break and send a nice text message to each other.
Believe me, it is very difficult sometimes for me. I sit and look at the OC sometimes and get sad, but they are here, they are innocent and are not responsible for how they got here.
If you truly want R, you both have to work for it, be honest with each other, and give each other a break sometimes.
It is an everyday struggle.
Hugs to you.
Tonight I got upset. I mean tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. I couldn't bring myself to p/u kids, told him I'd changed my mind and he'd have to bring them home. I explained the whole anniversary thing and that since his pregnant girlfriend lives next door, t was just TOO much tonight. OMG he went nuts. Told me that I keep throwing it in his face, the pregger gf thing. WTH? Isn't she? Says she isn't of concern to me. He called back later to explain that he got another woman pregnant while we were separated. Oh cuz that makes it better. In VA there isn't a "legal separation", so we're STILL MARRIED.
God bless each of you in this forum. I don't know how you do it. I think I could, but H just isn't where I need him to be. I don't want to, but I think I have to file for D.
Tomorrow I may change my mind again. So don't count me in/out yet.
I filed for D today. I realized that I just can't do it. It's too much for me to forgive. He's still blaming me for it ALL. Ok. Good luck with that.
I'm numb. Not feeling what I though I would be though. I guess it hasn't fully sank in yet. Once he finds out though...yikes!