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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, October 26th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello my friends...it's been a while since i've lasted posted, but i do stop by from time to time to see how everyone is doing. 5 weeks ago my life drastically changed...my son was born and motherhood has been amazing. i have never in my wildest dream think that i could love something so much at first site. he was 2 weeks early and there was a moment when he was under fetal distress because his heartrate stopped...and i remember thinking to myself..."god...after everything in my life please don't do this to me know...please don't have let her child be alive and well and now take mine from me..." it was a sad and scary moment and i ended up having a c-section but my son is beautiful and perfect.

anyways...i've been meaning to post for a while, but didn't know where to start. with my own baby now...new wounds were reopened and it felt like i had to survive those feelings of betrayal all over again..and that in addition to probably some natural post-partum feelings...its been tough. i feel detached from my H, i feel like i have bipolar moments...one moment i'm ok with what life dealt me..and then the next moment i'm filled with hate and anger at him...for what he did, for what he brought into my life.

i find myself numb when OC is around. b/c i know how it feels to love my own child so much...i realize that i dont feel that way about OC, is that strange? i am going through a lot of different emotions these days...and at the end of the day i don't like myself very much.

isn't it funny how our spouses where the ones who make mistake that changes everyone's lives...yet at the end of the day i feel like i am the evil person who is filled with hate and bitterness. i think i need to find help. i need to somehow find peace with all this. my son is too young to know anything now...but as he grows i don't want him to sense my unhappiness.

we went out for the 1st time in a long time this past weekend and my worse fear came true. we ran into OW at the club. this was our friends place, this is where WE hang out, why the hell can't she just stay away. i had a couple of drinks in me and well...i was a mess. thank god i didn't make a scene...i basically just curled up in a corner and cried...it felt good to cry. i felt stupid...i felt embarrassed...that my H had traded me for one drunk night with that piece of nothing...and she had his baby. oh yeah and then it doesn't help that i found her myspace either...everytime i look at it, i am filled with hate for my H.

i need help...i love my son and he is my life now...but i can't remember the last time i felt happy. i don't know if anything will make this life any better...


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, October 26th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi crazed. First of all, congratulations on the birth of your wonderful son. It really is kind of scary how much one loves those new little people.

Second, you are FULL of hormones, sleep deprivation, and anxiety about being a new mom right now--this will change. You won't feel like this in a few weeks.

Third, it's not surprising that you don't feel the same love for OC, and I think you are expecting too much of yourself to think that is necessary or realistic.

I don't remember your story, but it sounds like you see OC and are a good step-mom. That, plus accepting what your H did in the first place, is enough!!! Ease up on yourself

Plus your d-day isn't that far in the past. At this point, even with not being post-partum, I had many ups and downs with my feelings toward my H--and they still show up. Focus on your new family, sleep when the baby sleeps, and enjoy this special time of getting to know your son.

And if you are bipolar, you're not pregnant anymore--get the necessary meds!! Not trying to be flip--just supportive.

You are not an evil person!!! Congrats again!!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, October 27th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats, Crazed, on the new baby!!
As for not feeling the same way for the OC...I can relate in the fact that my H brought three kids to our marriage (I brought two), and while I love the two who live with us, it wasn't the same love I have for my own.
Also, you really are full of hormones, and you've been through a lot. Just be aware of things like post-partum depression. And you might just benefit from some counseling. Having a baby really does change everything.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, October 29th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For anyone who has done paternity testing through the courts, how long did it take from start to finish? How long did it take from the moment your H filled out the paperwork and submitted it? H submitted paperwork last week and they said it could take 6-13 weeks. Now did they mean 6-13 weeks for everything to be done or just simply for the paperwork to be processed? H filled out paperwork that would bypass the initial paternity meeting and go straight to taking the test. OW, finally agreed to it and that is why they just filled out a form for a motion for scientific paternity testing, instead of a motion for paternity summons/hearing.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
hurtntoomuch
♀ New Member
Member # 8163
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I posted but I do check this board several times a week. Our OC is now 19 months and we have NC. Have never even seen OC. The OW agreed to no CS if we agreed to NC. Financially it was the only way for us since we have several children of our own to support. My WH seems fine with all this. Never even mentions OC. I on the other hand feel guilty that OC will grow up with no father. Who knows what OW will tell her along the way. Either way my WH looks like an idiot for just walking away from his own child regardless of the circumstances of her birth. I wonder sometimes how a man of character can do this. He says it's to protect his own family but I'll feel it's to protect him. Basically he got away scott free. While I don't want to deal with OW (she was a friend of mine at one time), I feel my WH owes something to this child. A child should not have to grow up wondering about her birth father and feeling rejected. I truly feel bad for her. I don't know what the answer is but I feel WH should make some attempt, even if it is just birthday, christmas gifts, occasional gift certificates. Just so she knows her father didn't completely walk away and doesn't care. What do you all think?

Posts: 45 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Massachusetts
snowontheroof
♀ Member
Member # 16712
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WH is doing everyone a favor. Try not to over analyze his motives. I wish my daughters AP had just let the her and the child go and maybe she would have stayed with my SIL. Instead she and the OM are now together and his wife and child are alone and my daughters BH as well. BE grateful that your family is still together and your WH chose the family over the OC and OW.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Oct 2007
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to take into consideration that the OW agreed to no child support in exchange for your H staying away. If he began any contact at all, it may cause her to sue for child support.

Here's an idea..A friend of mine fathered a child once when he was around 19 or so. He and the child's mother were not ready to raise a kid (they were "friends with benefits") and gave her up for adoption at birth. In case she ever came looking for him, he put some money away every year in a seperate account. When she was around 20, she did find him. And he had about $20,000.00 to give her. I'm not saying that you should put away so much. It could be less. Maybe if your husband wrote a letter each year on her birthday instead, and kept them in a binder, he could give that to her if she ever comes looking for him. That would show that he cared, but when she came along, he made what he thought was the best decision for everyone involved. She may never come to find him; then whatever money was saved, or whatever was written, could be dealt with then.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think redvixen as some good ideas- I agree it's tough for any child to grow up not knowing anything about his or her father (or mother), but in your situation, it might backfire in a worse way for the child. But something on hand, be it money or letters or whatever, might ease the child should she ever try to find her birth father.

It was OW's choice as well as your H's--try to focus on your family.

Good luck.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Updates and replies~


I haven't posted in quite some time, though it probably might have helped. I've been in a very black funk for the past several months. WH has been working at a great job for over 6 months now, and it should be a good thing. But it means that the UO gets her money as she fought for. And the local DRS is awful.....twice they demanded lump sum payments or threatened contempt of court. On top of the lump sum they also wanted a double payment, because after years and years, they suddenly decided that support should be paid by the first of the month for everyone. So that month, our family had so little money to work with, and it hit us hard.

I HATE knowing that she and her kids get to live high on the hog while our family is struggling. I got so desperate at one point that I wrote her to see if she would send some of the extra payments she was getting so that we could buy school clothes for our daughters, which they needed and deserve. This is after I found out that she spent over $200 on two concerts she wanted to go to! But of course, she ignored it and said only WH can communicate with her. And then she told him how she doesn't have to discuss the money or the effects on our kids.....all she cares about is OC. And it pisses me off so much that she used to come to our house and watch our kids play....how she even came to visit our firstborn in the hospital and held her.....and yet she gloats over the fact that she can take the clothes off their backs??

Just as frustratng (if not moreso) is the fact that she goes against the court order for custody like all the time! She emailed and texted WH and I saying that OC had two birthday parties he wanted to go to for the scheduled weekend. And when we told her that it was the scheduled weekend and WH planned on picking him up, she went off as usual and started yelling and saying "Don't come to pick him up, he won't go with you, don't come, I have many people telling me these parties are way more important for him than to go to your house". We'd already told her that we had other errands to run that evening after picking OC up, so we couldn't afford to spend time waiting for the authorities to show up, and other times WH has told them about OW denying scheduled visitation, they really don't care, they treat it like an annoyance and they are reluctant to take any action. The cop didn't even want to file it on record last time. So the end result was that WH relented and another visit was missed in a long line of many.

But the frustrating part is that when OW was fighting us on the issue, she was saying that we want her to "bend" for us but we "never" bend for her or OC. Of course, this is a twisted lie~ the reason we are frustrated is that we've both helped OW immensely over the years....and believe me, now I wish I'd never wasted my time on someone this demented. But then she always wants to push for more...meanwhile she's going around like our kids are pieces of trash!! And I'm sick of both her wanting WH to favor OC and allow her "household" to have the best of everything while knowing that our children aren't getting as much as they deserve.

I'll just post this for now...


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I just wanted to reply a little to some topics I've seen recently

I know someone mentioned about how things are going to be when the children find out. First let me say that I know what works for people is always different, this is just how we have handled it. As it stands right now, the girls know that OC is their half-brother. Beyond that they really haven't asked any questions, although I imagne those will come later, when they're older. The oldest (who's 9 right now) just had a strange look on her face and said "So Daddy's his Dad and [OW] is his mom?". And we just said Yes, that's correct. After that she just went off to play again.

hurtntoomuch~ you said that in your situation you worry how it seems like your H has just walked away from his child. My opinion is that if the OW was willing to make a deal like that, then she REALLY doesn't want your H to be ivolved with the child. OW in our case is very similar, she's even brought that up before~ that she's thought about getting WH to sign over his rights so long as we NEVER contact them. The main reason she hasn't actually gone to the court for that? She wants the money too much. She'd rather keep fighting with us than to give up the easy money. Also, she was pushing for her 2nd husband to be able to adopt him, but now he has split from her too. This makes 4 cases that she's filed with DRS, for 3 different kids. And she also gets a hefty monthly SSI check for OC.

But anyway, my point is that when an OW is that determined to keep the father an child separate, it may not be worth it to fight that much....because it's not healthy for anyone~ especially your family and the OC. When they are older, chances are that they may want to find things out for themselves....and at that age, what is OW going to do to stop the child from contacting their father? Yes, she may be painting her own picture to the OC, but if and when OC talks to your H, it will not be your H's fault what the OW has said. And I can understand why your H says that he is putting your family first, it's like a way to make things as they were supposed to be. I think it's a good thing that he wants the marriage to be a priority. I think redvixen had some good ideas, in fact we may try to incorporate them (WH does have custody, but OW severely limits contact anyway)


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
Tonehua
♀ Member
Member # 16876
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, November 5th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What about when the OP lives on the other side of the world? I cannot even confirm that she truly is pregnant, as she claims. But what do we do? I've told WS that I will help him support OC (NOT OW, but certainly OC, who, if s/he is not a figment of the imagination, is as innocent as our own child in this).

WS has agreed that, when the child is born, a DNA test must be done, but I have no clue how to do that when SHE is in Shanghai and we're here in the US.


Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: PA
30sucks
♀ Member
Member # 14963
Concerned  Posted: 9:07 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I NEVER thought I'd be in this forum. Hell, let alone SI. Hugs please.

How many of you are R with WS, despite OC? How's that going?

I've been wanting R. Only God knows why exactly...WH is truly a schmuck. he left me pregnant (7mos) to be with this woman who also left her BH. They've now been "together" 6 months. I use quotes because roughly every 3 weeks, my WH comes crying to me how sorry he is and how much he misses me and kids. Then, BAM, back to her.

NOw he admits there's another pregnancy. What am I supposed to do with that?

How'd you cope? What went through your mind? I'm trying to see how others did it. I'm so numb right now, I don't know what I'm feeling/thinking.


I had the misfortune of being married to a self absorbed, morally bankrupt human being. ~~12bstrong

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree


Posts: 478 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Virginia
30sucks
♀ Member
Member # 14963
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello? Is there anyone there? I need a flashlight, I'm scaared of the dark. Someone? Anyone? I need some guidance. A hug even.


I had the misfortune of being married to a self absorbed, morally bankrupt human being. ~~12bstrong

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree


Posts: 478 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Virginia
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you 30sucks, I hate that you have to be here but you are in good company to offer a glimmer of comfort.

I am R with my FWS despite the OC situation which in my situation I don't even know if we have to worry about the OC since we haven't heard from the OW since March (sigh of relief). At nine months out from Dday we are doing relatively well with just a few setbacks lately (triggers for me) caused my the birth of the OC last month and this month is our anniversary. R can happen if you have a remorseful, willing SO but it sounds as if yours has his head stuck up his *ss and you need to do the 180 on him (read healing library) so that he realizes you are not his doormat to come back to when fantasy land isn't all it's cracked up to be! If you need an ear send a PM and big hugs again girl we all need them!


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 30. We're in R despite the OC situation, we are long distance from OW and OC and so have limited contact, but do have visits and phone calls. Sucks but it's possible, though it takes a lot of discussing, negotiating, tears--

It's harder cuz you have to recover from the infidelity at the same time as walking through the minefield of contact with OC, and thus by extension OW. Infinitely difficult--we're over 2 years from d-day and nearly 2 years from OC's birthday. Doesn't get easier exactly, cuz OW often throws monkey wrenches into the sitch, but you sort of get used to the drama and trauma--or at least used to expecting it.

Trouble is, the drama and trauma will never really go away--we're still learning about how to deal with it constructively, haven't learned yet, but are trying.

I don't have any advice for your exact situation--H has to be done with the infidelity, remorseful with you, and trying his damnedest to make you feel number one in his life--your H hasn't committed yet, so it will be almost impossible for you I think. The advice about the 180 is good--hard to do, but it's for yourself, your own survival.

Good luck.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 30,

We are in R and have custody of the 3 OC!

It is very difficult somedays not to think about the past and how it got to this point. Knowing that my H is trying to change and be a responsible H and father is helping.


The fact that we are not fighting about contact with OW anymore is also helping. We are trying to set boundaries and we make sure that we call each other at our lunch break and send a nice text message to each other.

Believe me, it is very difficult sometimes for me. I sit and look at the OC sometimes and get sad, but they are here, they are innocent and are not responsible for how they got here.

If you truly want R, you both have to work for it, be honest with each other, and give each other a break sometimes.

It is an everyday struggle.

Hugs to you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
30sucks
♀ Member
Member # 14963
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I've finally come to realize that I can't R. He's still unremorseful, to my standards that is. He keeps referring it to a "mistake". Like oops my d**k slipped.

Tonight I got upset. I mean tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. I couldn't bring myself to p/u kids, told him I'd changed my mind and he'd have to bring them home. I explained the whole anniversary thing and that since his pregnant girlfriend lives next door, t was just TOO much tonight. OMG he went nuts. Told me that I keep throwing it in his face, the pregger gf thing. WTH? Isn't she? Says she isn't of concern to me. He called back later to explain that he got another woman pregnant while we were separated. Oh cuz that makes it better. In VA there isn't a "legal separation", so we're STILL MARRIED.

God bless each of you in this forum. I don't know how you do it. I think I could, but H just isn't where I need him to be. I don't want to, but I think I have to file for D.

Tomorrow I may change my mind again. So don't count me in/out yet.


I had the misfortune of being married to a self absorbed, morally bankrupt human being. ~~12bstrong

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree


Posts: 478 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Virginia
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

30...so am I understanding correctly that he has gotten TWO women pregnant besides you?? If I'm reading it wrong then disregard this entire message but if not this sounds habitual and you might be better off with a D. Sometimes love just isn't enough it seems *sigh* Giant hugs and positive thoughts coming your way! You can make it through this!!


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
30sucks
♀ Member
Member # 14963
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, not two. Just her. Bad enough. I was supposed to be the only one with the title mom of his kids. I had to share my marriage and husband with her and now she gets that title too. BITCH!

Update:
I filed for D today. I realized that I just can't do it. It's too much for me to forgive. He's still blaming me for it ALL. Ok. Good luck with that.

I'm numb. Not feeling what I though I would be though. I guess it hasn't fully sank in yet. Once he finds out though...yikes!


I had the misfortune of being married to a self absorbed, morally bankrupt human being. ~~12bstrong

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree


Posts: 478 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Virginia
madeitthrough
Member
Member # 7931
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

30, best of luck to you. (The every 3 weeks cycle makes me wonder if it coincides w/her periods. Weird.)

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Aug 2005
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