Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Juniper (43177)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
thatslife
♀ Member
Member # 10507
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 14th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hellokitty)) I was where you were not very long ago. Even after he cheated and lied I wanted to make it work somehow - I loved him. We tried MC also. I was always looking for an answer. Why did this happen? Could we ever get back what we had? I never got an answer in words but all his actions pointed to where we eventually ended up. As much as I loved him the trust was gone and ironically it wasn't the affair or even the other child it was all of the lies that he told afterward. It was his actions, not his words that I finally had to come up with my own answer - that this would never work. His inability to face what he did and try to rebuild trust. It was easier for him to walk away than to try to work on something that obviously wasn't worth the effort for him. Painful truth but reality. It took me a long time and many forced conversations with him to get to this point but I realized that I was doing all the work - to try to talk, to try to understand. He did nothing and this was his answer for me.

I still worry every day about our daughter. The OC was born almost a year ago but my now XH has stayed a very big part of our daughter's life. She does not know about the OW or OC. I wonder every day if this/or when this will change. If he ever moves in with the OW this will change for her and I've asked so many times what his plans are but I never get a straight answer.

I do know that he is a good father and loves our daughter and I hope he always puts her best interest first. I will never know for sure if he will do this in the future but I have to hope and believe that he will.

It's his responsibility to introduce our daughter to her brother if ever. I have asked that he tells me ahead of time so I can talk about it with her too. I just hope he is true to this promise and I think he will.

This isn't only your problem it's a problem for BOTH of you. You BOTH have to work at it and open up the communication so you can begin to heal. I hope you can do this. Please don't put in all the effort by yourself. It's not worth it.


Me, BS 40yrs
Him, WH 33 yrs
One Child - 22mos.
OC due in Sept 06
Married 3 yrs, together for 7

Posts: 129 | Registered: Apr 2006
clv40
♀ Member
Member # 14409
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 14th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too agree that the OC is another innocent party in the whole affair mess. She didn't ask to be brought into this world or under the circumstances in place. She deserves to be loved, but so does my son. And I am not saying he's not, I am just saying that's he's also an innocent party that needs to be factored into the situation. I too wonder how and when he will be introduced to his half sister. I feel that right now things are too raw and he's too small to comprehend anything. I also have an 8 year old stepson that will also someday meet his half sister. Children are resilient but I wonder how this whole thing will affect them all in the future. I just wish that when people were in affairs they would really think about the ramifications of their actions- not only on the spouses but the kids and rest of the family. I think I would take all the hurt for myself if I could shield my sons the eventual disappointment or pain they might feel. It's just unfortunate that immediate gratification becomes more important than family.

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Florida
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, May 14th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm glad (and sad) to find other people dealing with this situation. I don't know how to handle my feelings about the OC. I feel badly for them, but I can't stand to think about them right now. The OW named one child after my WS and the other one after his favorite beer. Great. Just looking at their names hurts. I wish that I had filed a legal separation -- the money going out the door right now is half of my WH's net income. OW is claiming extremely high priced nanny is needed. She is working parttime, going to spas, getting her nails done, etcetera while someone watches her kids and I am out schlepping for a job so my kids can eat. I'm a little bitter right now. Everything feels worse because the OW is a criminal. It is complicated, I tried to explain in my profile.

I do not want my children to know; I do not want contact with the OC -- mostly because of their mother. Do the feelings of humiliation every time you think about the OC ever go away? My SD knows -- had to tell her, she lives so close to OW -- we (H, H's EXW & Me)felt the OW might try to contact. In fact the OW call EXW and tried to trash talk me! Luckily, EXW and I are good friends. EXW told OW off and said that there should be no contact whatsoever.

Please tell me that relief will come. Right now I feel so stuck in the middle of it -- hard to sleep. Hopefully will go back to court shortly. WS got documentation proving that child does not need nanny, can instead go to daycare.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Sad  Posted: 10:47 PM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we went to MC today and it seems as though things are not looking good. He is angry with me for things that I have done in the past to hurt him. When his Mother was sick. I accept the things I have done. I wish I could change them but I can't. He told the C he wasn't sure if he wanted to R. He said too much has happened and I am acting crazy. I don't know what to do. This really hurts, even though he had already told me he wanted a divorce. God please give me strength.


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
softspoken
♂ New Member
Member # 14676
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W claims to have a child with the OM. when she was with him earlier this year, she asked for him to get a DNA test. I have yet to see it nor has she. I dont know what to do. I dont know if he is holding or if she is just to stay in contact with each other. Even if it is just to talk about the child. How long does it take to get a DNA test back normally?


The Reason - Hoobastank
Look What you have done - Jet

Im a WS/BS, I had an A twice while my wife has had two with the same man. So every post has me admitting it. Yes, I messed up. I'm sorry


Posts: 27 | Registered: May 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It depends on the DNA testing site. Some take as little as 5 days, but they usually cost a pretty penny. It could be done through the courts and then if the man is the father he usually has to pay the court for the cost of the test. If you google DNA testing you will find a world of information to help. Hope this was helpful.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
clv40
♀ Member
Member # 14409
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It should only take a week for results and will cost approximately $600.00 for testing. If OM refuses to take a DNA test then your wife should just go ahead and file a parenity action. The court will order that he take the test. And the parties don't even have to see each other for testing to be done. Just be prepared for the outcome, because if he is proven to be the biological father, he can demand and get visitation rights.

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Florida
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we had our own birthday party for the twins this weekend. I requested that he not attend the one at her house last week and after some arguging he agreed. It was great all 3 OC had a wonderful time and my teenagers were very helpful and had a great time.

My WS came to me and let me know he appreciated my efforts and that I am always proving my love and wanted me to know that it did not go unnoticed.

Earlier this week, I called Child Protective Services on OW because from the last time I saw them and a report we got from their birthday party at her house, OC were dirty had several bites from insects, she wasn't feeding them properly, and the twins were wheezing for over a month and she would not take them to doctor's even though she has free medical care.

I did not tell my WS that I called and I acted like I did not know anything about it when she started calling. I was not sure how he would react. I did this for the kids. They deserve to be taken care of. CPS was at her house within 2 hrs. from my call.

They did not remove the children, but she does have a follow up meeting which means they want to see improvement. The kids looked a whole lot better when we picked them up this time.

She was actually civil to me last night when we dropped them off and thanked me for giving them a good time. She didn't ask for money this time. I was waiting for the fire to come from the sky! I am sending her the pictures so she can see how happy they were. I still don't trust her.

It was hard seeing the OC call my WS daddy and see how attached they are to him, especially since he really did not do that with our kids. All I could think about is how they got here and the betrayal for 10 yrs. that I lived. But I kept my feelings to myself and worked through it.

The twins were following me all over the house and were brushing my hair and hanging on my legs. Some of my family attended the birthday party and gave them gifts.

This may not work for everyone in this situation, but this is what works for me. My WS really cares about these OC and if I want to stay with him, they come with the package. By having them in my home, I have more control of the situation, she can not use OC to get my WS down to her house and try to get him back.

Until we can get paternity done, we will take them once a month.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:25 PM, May 21st (Monday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC, you are a strong woman--and I'm glad the party turned out well for you, the kids, and your H! Nice to be appreciated, eh?

This weekend we are going East to spend two days with H's OC--the first time I am "allowed" to participate in the visit. I'm waiting for some bombshell, like I can't touch him or something, but it does seem as though she is coming to terms with the fact that I am involved in all this, whether she wants it or not. Will let you know how it all turns out. Baby is only 16 months old, not sure what our plans are, but hopefully it will be fun and not just heartache for me--and that's such a cute age, I have high hopes. Wish us luck.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope someone is still reading here! We had our double visit weekend and it went pretty well, all things considering. The baby is very cute and very congenial--obviously attached to H and got used to me pretty quickly, and we had a good four hour visit on Sat and a 9 hour day on Sunday. Not too much grief from OW, but she sure checked him out when H dropped him off (in the lobby of her apartment building, with me in the car). Worked for us.

So how do I feel? Pretty wrung out, glad that it went well, glad that I can start to see him as a person in his own right and not just the product of adultery and heartache and lies, etc. If only we didn't have to have ANY contact with his mother, things would go much better for me. It's like ripping off a scab every time there is any contact between H and her--which isn't much thank god, but any reminder of his LTA can't be good for either of us.

We still have "discussions" about the whole thing--H sees my point of view totally, though he thinks I dwell on her too much, dehumanize her, as she does me!! That's tough I think--he says it will make things more difficult with the R with the child if the baby grows up thinking that it's toxic for his mom and his dad to be together ever, that there's so much tension there that he will feel blamed himself. Probably true, but I don't see any alternative, at least for now. Maybe in 3 years I can stand it, but I don't think she ever will accept me as a stepmom or even someone whom she has to deal with in a mature way--always thought that she and H would wind up together, even though he said differently--and certainly acted differently staying in the R with her for so long--as they say, actions speak louder than words.

But we survived with not too many problems--it was highly emotional for both of us, for different reasons, and neither of us did real well at thinking of the other person first--both of us were caught up with our own feelings. Lots of fodder for MC!

So now OW and OC are moving back to Europe, and things will change again--but one thing at a time I guess. Glad we are still in one piece. I hate this drama.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

25wimsey -- it sounds like it went pretty well. You are amazing. So strong. I don't know that I could ever get to a point that I don't see the OC surrounded by deceit. It isn't them personally -- it it how they came to be.

How did you work through this with your H? I am new here and I don't know your story, I'm sorry. There are two OC in my story, both young. H doesn't seem to want any contact with them at this time. OW is blaming me for his not calling -- she calls me "nasty and childish". I think she thought that my H would leave me and marry her.

I ramble some -- I'm trying to deal with the financial mess that child support has thrown in. It would be lovely to hear others' stories on how they handled this. Am I the only one in this situation?



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoVerySad, H "only" has one OC, but I can relate to your story of the OW blaming the wife for H not calling--OW hates me with a passion, and blames me for every restriction H puts on their contact, fought for 16 months not to have me involved with the OC, finally gave in on that one, but still thinks it's all my fault that they're not together now. She really felt that the OC would push H over the fence into her arms--even though he was clear throughout their A that he wasn't leaving his marriage.

No contact wasn't an option in my H's mind--he's a very good father, and really wants to be there for his OC--as he was for our kids, and still is. Too important to him personally to even think of not seeing OC ever. So it's been a slog--makes it that much harder to reconcile, like picking off the scab over and over, every time she calls or he visited OC at day care or whatever.

Sometimes it's a daily struggle, depending on what's happening. MC has been invaluable, as has reading on this board. Keep posting.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it amazing -- the sheer audacity of the OW to blame you - or me - or any other BS - for their unbelievably selfish behavior? I recognize that there may be OPs who do not know the person they are with is married, but that was not the case here. This OW actually sent me a baby gift for our last child. She gave our oldest son gifts. I am trying very hard not to be judgmental -- but I find it difficult to understand the mind of someone who thinks it is okay to wreck someone's home. Take away someone's Dad. At the same time I find it unbelievable that my H would find it okay to dishonor me, the chidren and himself in this way.

My H has left it open to have visitation down the road. He said to me when the DNA results came back - that his first priority is to heal our marriage. It meant alot to me - but then I struggle with the thought of two children not having a Dad. This OW lives in a state far away, so it would be difficult regardless. As far as NC - we set up an email account for her to contact him if necessary. It is checked throughout the day. She refuses to use it because she knows I have access. When she calls my H's cell she leaves slightly threatening messages - so he had to have our lawyer tell her lawyer that she needed to use the email or he would file harassment charges.

Nothing this OW has said in the past has been true -- not to mention she took my H's SSN and used it to run up a large amount of money. It has taken a long time to get that cleaned up.

I really respect the fact that you and your H have been working it out to have contact with the OC. I admire your strength in dealing with the situation. ((((((((((wimsey))))))))))))

I am concerned that if we tell our children - especially the 9yr old - that he especially won't be able to comprehend it. He is so young to know this and be able to handle what his dad did to his mom. The two professionals we spoke to did not advise telling him. He has had a rough road in his life - surgeries, learning issues - and is just starting to "catch up".

I wish you well - thank you for your friendly words. I'm glad SI exists, but I sure am sad to know the reason why. I will keep posting - it is helpful to hear how you and others handle this situation. We should be going back to court in the next few months to settle the CS issue.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wimsey,

I am so glad that your visit turned out well. It can be very difficult keeping our feelings to ourselves.

The OW is my situation keeps asking my H if I am controlling him now. No, we are making decisions as a couple which is what it should have been in the first place.

Everyday I keep going through something. My H refusal to limit contact, the OW repeatly calling. Sometimes I get so mad!

With the OW and OC moving so far away it may be easier for you. I just wonder if your H will have a very difficult time with the move. I am sending you good thoughts and hope all goes well.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
PHOEBE
Member
Member # 8444
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, June 3rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC0415
I have A WORD of advice for you. Do not give her any pictures you take of the OC at all ever.

Another woman I know dealing with this situation wanted to show the ow how happy the Oc were at thier home and interacting with her family she gave ow copies of the pictures she took.

Well now she regrets it. The Ow put the pics up on myspace and the OW never had pics of the bs and the mm till then. She also never had pics of mm with oc till then. She posted them and it was a mess.

Keep your pics to yourself for the OC when oc get older. You dont want any contact with ow make her invisible do not try to be nice it will bite you in the butt later. ow is a nonentity only deal with oc.


Posts: 553 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: USA
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 4th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Phoboe, I know you are right. I think I pissed her off with the Limited Contact Letter I just sent so I don't think the children will be coming over anymore.

I just got sick of her calling my H whenever she feels like and 5-17 calls per day.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's good and also sad to read this forum for me. My story is I found out in Feb. that my husband had a ONS with a female at his work and I immediately kicked him out after an awful fight and sooo many tears but he came back less than a week later and begged my forgiveness and we began our R on that day. About three days later (a week after ONS) the OW's brother confronted us saying that she was pregnant and threatening my H and my entire family. We were in the process of remodeling a house and moving when the ONS happened so after that confrontation we decided to move up the move date to ASAP and left the place I grew up and didn't look back. Personally, I think she was pregnant before the ONS and was just looking for a daddy and since my H is an awesome dad she figured he would just jump up and leave me and they would be a happy family but what she doesn't understand is that my H and me practically grew up together and have been together almost half of our lives and neither of us were willing to throw that away. The R is going really well and we have established NC with the OW but since we moved from a small town it's not hard to hear what's going on through the "grapevine". First about a month and a half ago we heard that she had miscarried and then yesterday another friend called my H to give him a heads up that she is pregnant. So at this point, we don't know what is happening. H is adament on NC with OC or OW and has expressed his wishes that OW would put OC up for adoption. I must admit that I did tell OW that she should get an abortion when I first found out. I couldn't have an abortion so I feel like a hypocrite telling her she should but I understand that I was lashing out and it was normal for me to have those hostile feelings. We are worried about so many things involving this OC but we are not in a financial position to be able to hire a lawyer. When I found out about A and we were discussing R I gave H an ultimatum of quitting the job he was working at with OW or we would get a divorce and without hesitation he quit immediately. He is very committed to this R and is extremely remorseful for all the turmoil he caused. This OC just makes this R so complicated. It's like we can never forget this. H is worried that the OW will try to give OC our last name without his knowledge or that she'll come back years from now and claim back-CS...I'm at a loss of what to do right now honestly. Thanks for listening to me.


Me-BS-31
H-WS-30
COM- 11,8,7
I found out 02-19-07
R- 02-23-07 still going strong

OW-25


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
clv40
♀ Member
Member # 14409
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Misto, There really should be no contact necessary until there is DNA testing done to establish paternity. One week after a ONS seems too soon for her to have known she became pregnant during her "session" with your husband. DNA testing will cost about $600.00. I recommend you speak with an attorney regarding paternity matters also. Best of luck!

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Florida
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your reply clv. There is NC at all right now. A few weeks after the R and consequently the move OW did contact my bestfriend on myspace demanding our address and information for the atty. general and I replied back that the atty. general could find us because I wasn't giving her any personal info because I'm scared to death for them to know where we live! The brother is a back-wooded gun-toting freaking inbred and I don't want to give them the information for him to come hurt any of us. It didn't escape me that she couldn't know she was pregnant that soon and I made sure that my h was telling me absolutely everything and he has assured me that he did..it was just a ONS and nothing before. So that leads me to believe that she was pregnant before and just searching for someone to take responsibility. I also told her in the myspace msg that the truth would come out in the paternity test and it will but not until like um, October I think. Yes, I have counted days and have a rough estimate of when she should be due if it is true. At this point in my life, $600 seems like a fortune and I can't afford an atty but thank you for your reply :)


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
clv40
♀ Member
Member # 14409
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Misto, If she ever does file a paternity action, the Court will likely order a dna test. Depending on the laws of your state, many times the test will get done and if your husband is found to be the father, then he would be responsible for the cost of the test. So that being said, the ball will be in her court as to whether or not she wants to press the issue. Good luck and keep us posted!

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.