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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, September 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay that site pipl.com is awesome and thanks dust to dust for sharing it! I did a search on the OW and found a laundry list of drug charges and other stuff on her...OMG...can anyone say ammunition?? Yay...k sorry I had to add that lol.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUMPING for AuntCis

Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, September 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. I'm new to this thread but not new to situation OC is now 10 years old. For my full story you can read my post in general. I know it may seem silly after all these years but it is so nice to have other people in similar situations to talk to this about.Not that I am glad that ANY of us are in the situation to begin with . This may sound cruel but sometimes I just wish the next 8 years would fly by so my husband will be done with child support,but then I am also scared that even though we live 2500 miles away from OC when she is old enough she seek her father out.She knows that she has half siblings,I wonder if she would try to contact them as well? So many things run through my mind that I would have loved to discuss with someone over the years. I wish I have known about SI back then. So please forgive me if I tend to ramble,there is 10 years worth of stuff rolling around in my mind that I need to organize.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, September 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

auntcis

Welcome to our club. None of us want to be here but we try to make it through this ordeal gracefully.

The weekends are slow for this thread. We had another thread but we filled it up.

You can go back and find it, there are alot of good tips for getting through on it.

I never found out about the A or the OC's until 2003. Talk about a nightmare.

Anyway I just wanted to say welcome.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
BeenCheatedON
♀ New Member
Member # 12969
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, September 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasnt going to come back to this board because I come here for support not bashing. WOW!!!Of course I know not everyone bashed me, and Im thankful for the support I have received but I think its horrible that like 1 person or a couple of people just ruin it. If you didnt like what I had to say then just dont say anything. Dont try to make me feel worse when Im already dealing with a lot!!I havent mentioned every detail of what went on and what is going on... if I did that there would be a novel! But 1 thing I have to clear up is that my H has worked 3 jobs for over a year now ( 80+ hours a week), plus goes to college full time. We live in a tourist town that is VERY expensive! Soooo, is he supposed to get a 4th job just so she can take him back to court to modify the order to get more... because they do take every job he has into the calculation!! But whatever... Im not going to go on and on and defend myself. I was hurting that day and I needed some support... I thought for sure this was the place to get it. Thanks to the people that were positive towards me though! Yall are awesome

Posts: 11 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From:
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, September 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((beencheatedon)) I feel your pain. My husband works roughly 70 hours a week to make ends meet and I feel it is pointless for me to get a job since the state that the child support was set in also takes MY income into consideration when setting His support! This isn't my mistake why should I have to pay for her upbringing! . I can't even get a job to help us get ahead and make a better life for MY children cause then OW would get more money for hers!! . Sorry this is a sore subject for me if you hadn't already guessed.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, September 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Been)) ((AuntCis))

Been welcome back. And Aunt welcome here. This is the place to voice your opinions and feelings no matter what they are. Everyone may not agree with what you say, but I am glad that you are not going to let that stop you from posting. I know that this situation is hardest on the spouse who thru no fault of their own is now dealing with a situation that has been thrust upon them.

I know that everyone got a little upset about the Child support issue a little while ago. I do agree, it does seem to not be fair to the BS and COM and yes I know that WS made a mistake, but his whole family should not have to pay for it. Now the H is working so much to meet obligations, they still don't have time for their family. Where is the justice in that?

In a way I am grateful that I am able to control my situation to an extent. I use between 20%-30% of my H monthly income on OC so that she will not go to court. And if she did, it would be worse for her because all of the drug issues and her home life would be brought into question.

So I am civil when I see her, I pick up the OC for visits. I make sure they are washed, fed, and have fun. I send home food and clothing. I tolerate her again when I drop OC back home. She always ask for money each time after I have repeatly said that no cash will be exchanged.

And I do my best not to think about her again until the next time I get the OC. Last week, she started calling my H again, and I sent her a text message letting her know that I have been civil to you for the sake of the OC but if you don't limit your contact with my H, I can become the B**** I was at first.She doesn't want me to stop getting the OC so she stopped calling him so much.

The twins are 4 so I have a lifetime to deal with this. Even my mother said that I now sound better now that these OC are in my life. I can say that they are helping me focus on something other than how sick I am.

I am getting ready to have surgery in about 4 weeks and will be bedridden for about 2 months. I won't be able to pick up the OC during that time. That will be hard because they now consider themselves a part of this family. I might have my oldest go pick them up.

Now I am not trying to compete with OW, but I can say that these OC have more love and respect for me. Even at a young age kids know who takes care of them and shows them natural love.

When we dropped of the OC last Sunday, my 3 kids and 2 of their boyfriends came along. The OC kept making excuses not to go back home. Mommy is sleep, she locked the door, she is not home. I gently told them that she is waiting for them and I will pick them up again for a visit. Then the OW comes down the steps when we pull up and sticks her arms out and says "my babies". The twins walk right past her and start hugging my daugthers. She was very hurt by that, I did my best not to laugh out loud. Then while the OW stood there looking stupid, the OC proceeded to have individual hugs and then a group hug with all my kids and their boyfriends for like 10 minutes.

It made me feel so good to see the love and concern among my kids and the OC. I know that this is killing the OW. I was pissed that after I brought school supplies for the twins that she didn't even send them to school. She lied to me and said that they had been in school for 2 weeks. When the twins told us that they had not been in school, my H calls her and she says there was a mix up and that they will start school that Monday. I still don't know if she sent them to school. Everytime I talk to the twins about what we taught them during their visit (colors, ABC, numbers), she always has to chip in and say yes we will be learning that here too. When I know that all she is going to do is make them sit on the stairs and be quiet while she is getting high or sleep. Atleast the 9 yr. old gets out of there half a day to go to school.

I hate her so much! She may think that I am a fool or stupid because I had her OC for most of the summer and I take them monthly, but in the long run, she is the one who would have lost their respect and in some ways, she already has.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:34 AM, September 16th (Sunday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, September 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that WS made a mistake, but his whole family should not have to pay for it. Now the H is working so much to meet obligations, they still don't have time for their family. Where is the justice in that?
((BMC)) People often say life is not fair, but I think those people see fair as equal. I see fair as checks and balances. I am an amature investor. I completely buy the concept of "dollar cost averaging".

Some days the stock prices are up and you pay a little bit more for them but there are time when they are lower and if you are investing on a consistent bases you will/should see an increase in the value long term. The key is to start with a QUALITY stock, and be committed for the long term.

I see marriage as having the same concept. There are always gonna be highs and lows but if you nurture it on a consistent bases it will more likely grow stronger long term. That being the case the family must share in the down times(mistakes) as well as the up times(fortune). Again the key is to start with a QUALITY partner and be committed for the long term. This I believe is balance and is the only way to be fair.

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 2:02 PM, September 16th (Sunday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading BMC0415 last post I guess I shouldn't complain too much.Maybe it is easier for my husband and I not to be in his daughter's life,cause as far as we have seen the OW is a decent mother. Granted it would be difficult to be active in her life cause we live 2500 miles away from her,but at least we don't have to worry if she is being taken care of. I also, unbeknownst to my husband or the OW check out the OW myspace page regularly just to keep tabs on her and she has pictures of the girl and her other sister(not from my husband)and all thier activities pasted all over. At least we know that the child support is being spent on the child like it is supposed to be. I don't hold any ill will towards the child I just don't think I could handle her being around me and my children. Also any excuse the OW has to be near my husband she would try to use to her advantage. She has tried several times in the past before we moved to try and get me to believe that she was still seeing my husband. Each time she tried to say they were together I have rock soild proof that he wasn't with her,cause every time she said he was with her he was actually with me. I guess if she wanted to try to sabatoge our R efforts by saying he was with her she should have researched her plan a little better .


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm hoping to hear from others who did not have children of their own when BS had child with OW. i don't know if i'm going to R with WS or not and i'm not looking for advice on that. i just want to know what it was like for you.

i feel really hurt that he will have his first child with OW because i thought this was an experience we would share together. now if we do R and have our own children, i feel like it won't be as special for him because he will already have had his first child. it will be my first, but not his.

he wants to be there to see the kid born and that hurts me also even though i can't ask him not to be there. he didn't know his own dad (his dad never knew about him) and he is determined to not let that happen to his child. i just hate thinking of him being there with her while she is going through labor. he would be there for the child, not for her, but she'd still be getting support from his presence. and i resent that. i feel like she shouldn't have that.

so that means if we had a kid together, he would have already been through the whole process of seeing his first child born. i just want there to be something special left for us.

i'm not a mom so maybe i'm seeing this in too simple of terms. i'm told every birth is special and different. what was it like for you? if you later had kids together, did it lessen the specialness of that experience for you?

and what about after the kid was born? what was it like seeing your WS with a baby that wasn't yours? if you had kids together later, was it difficult to not feel or show favoritism?


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2006
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((MaggieAnn))

This is a little different but not by much.

I have not mention this before, but my H has a child older than my kids. She was 4 yrs. old when we married. At first it did n't bother me until she and her mother moved in with my H sister.

I was pregnant at the time with my first child and it was very difficult not to feel jealous that she already existed. It seemed like his family was conspiring against me to let my H and her mother have time together. We had many a fight about it.

But when our child came about 7 months later, it was a wonderful experience for both of us. He was in the delivery room with me and actually helped with her the first 3 weeks because of my C-Section. While my H loves all his kids, she is his favorite. He was actually in the delivery room for all 3 of our kids and each one was different and special.

For me, it is special because they are a part of me and someone who I love. All of my kids are. Now my step-daughter is married and has kids of her own and I consider them my grandchildren. When my H recently told me how involved he was in the OW pregnancy with the twins, going to dr. appt. seeing the sonogram, I was hurt. But he was not there for the birth of any of her 3 OC. Would it have made a difference? I don't know. All I know now is he decided to come home and these are the kids that he lives with and has daily interaction with. And when his OC come for a visit, we make them feel just as special.

I don't know how things will work out in your experience but I wish the best for you no matter what it is.

Hugs

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:47 PM, September 17th (Monday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I already had a daughter when we found out OW had his child. We didn't find out about the child til she was 4 months old we never even knew about the pregnancy. Which as it turns out was a good thing cause right up until the OC was born the OW thought she was having a boy,cause the technician read the sonogram wrong. I would have been a wreck had I thought she was giving birth to my husbands first son! See my husband is an only son so it is important to him and his family that the family name be carried on. Thankfully he and I have 2 sons together and she ended up having a daughter. But I understand where you are coming from cause had the OW given birth to the first born son it would have been devastating to me.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she's having a boy.

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2006
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is your husband sure that the child is his?


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we're not married and no, he's not sure. she was still sleeping with her ex while she was with him but *supposedly* they always used condoms. i know she went to the ex with the news of her pregnancy before she went to WBF (and he told her if it was his, he wanted nothing to do with it) and the due date/conception date has changed a couple times so i think she has some doubt in her mind.

she also had *said* she would get the prenatal paternity test when she was trying to convince WBF it was his, but when he said go ahead and do it, now she says can't afford it.

there will be a paternity test but that means waiting until february...

chances are very good that it's his.

[This message edited by maggieann at 6:37 PM, September 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2006
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maggiean, I sent you a PM.

You answered aunt cis after I sent it, but my thoughts are the same. Being in the delivery room is for the woman, not the baby--and especially in a case where paternity isn't certain, think hard about whether it's worth the pain of having him there--it's just for the OW--the baby won't know the difference. And if it turns out to be his, he can still bond with the child and be a good dad without having been there for the birth. Just my two cents.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i agree. i understand his desire to be there because this is his first child and he wants to see him be born into the world and take his first breaths. but it pains me to think of him being there. what's the difference if he's just waiting outside and sees this kid two minutes after he's born?

she will be having a c-section so i guess at least it won't be a long drawn out labor.


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2006
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how long after birth can the paternity test be done? if they already have a blood sample from the alleged father, can the baby be tested as soon as it's born and how soon do the results come?

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2006
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all if she is having a c-section I don't think he can be in the room if they are not married. At least that was the way it was at the hospital where I had my kids,when they scheduled me for my c-sections they made sure my husband and I were married before they would let him in. Second, they don't use a blood sample for DNS testing they take a swab of the inside of the cheeks of father,mother and baby. I believe he can submit his DNA for testing before the baby is born and then the mother and child can go later,but because all they take is a swab of the inside of the babies mouth it isn't painful and they can do it as soon as the baby is born. Also try not to get too upset until you find out for sure if the baby is your BF. The slut my husband was with tested 3 other men before my husband . And if the OW admits she was with someone else and your BF says they used protection AND she keeps changing the dates she obviously isn't sure who the father is. Don't let her get under his skin and try to play the sympathy card. And I agree with wimsey,the baby isn't going to know if he was there or not. My first c-section they had to knock me completely out cold so my husband couldn't be in the room and he got to hold our daughter even before I did and there was no trouble bonding for any of us. The baby is going to be so confused as to what is going on when it is first born it isn't going to give a crap who was or wasn't in the room.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i know the baby won't care who is in the room. it's all for WBF. he wants to be there to see his child born. after the very recent and untimely death of my sweet kitty, i almost have a new perspective on it. life is so precious, be it a cat or an OC, and how can i blame him for wanting to watch his precious new little life come into the world? this assumes it is his of course.

clarification: she says she used condoms with her ex (but once it slipped off but she says they stopped as soon as they realized - who knows?). she didn't use condoms with WBF. that's why i'm saying there is a very good chance it's his kid. there is a chance that it's not, but chances are probably way better that it is.

but she is a compulsive liar and she has changed her due date a couple times. first it was one thing then she said from some other test she had now the doctor thinks it's this other date. this is all coming straight from her of course as WBF hasn't been to any doctor appointments or anything. so she could be giving whatever date she wants.

she says she has to have a c-section because she had one before. i thought it wasn't like that anymore, but one of my friends just told me they are moving back toward making them have a c-section. anyone know if that's true?

if he won't be allowed in the room during the c-section, then great, all the better for me. sounds like it might be a moot point. but is that just a rule of the particular hospital?

for BSs whose WH was in the room for the birth, what was it like for you?

also, still wondering how long it takes to get the results from the paternity test. is it pretty much right away or is it days or weeks?

[This message edited by maggieann at 12:20 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)]


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