If you are planning on staying with your H, you need to get this going. If are NOT planning on staying with your H, then you probably do not want to have HER CS case ahead of yours.
Not to change the subject, but I am so mad right now. The OW got her check on the 1st and she is broke already. Still does not have her lights or gas on we heard from one of her friends.
I was not going to tell my H what I had done by writing to SSI, but I was so pissed when I heard this. He said you are going to cause a big mess and don't coming crying to me when she comes after you. I said first of all I did this for your innocent children who deserve better and why do I seem to care more than you.
He said I was just saying that she could make our lives hell with some of the things I have hang over my head. And I said you put us in this mess, what am I to do. Anyway I asked them to review her case not do an investigation like she was reported.
He was like you know they are going to take the kids away from her, are you ready for that? I said, why aren't you. You should want more for these OC than a crack addict mother who doesn't take care of them.
I just don't understand. He said I see you sitting here worried about some children I made with another woman and you should not be worried about that. I told him you know what I see when I close my eyes. I see the twins smiling at me as I came in the front door, and then I took them back to that horrible situation less than 2 hours later. So I feel like I betrayed them. That is what I see.
You are one very special lady. I gain inspiration from you, my dear. You are a caring, loving and decent human being. That is why you worry about those OC in spite of how they came into existence. What if they turn out not to be your H's? If he knew of this situation with other children wouldn't he report it? Hang in there, BMC.
[This message edited by ABCSJ at 11:22 AM, August 7th (Tuesday)]
I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.
Also, I have not been a member here at SI long. I have been reading a TON. I have not been ready to post my story - soon hopefully. Still very much dealing with everything unfolding. I am 34 days post dday. WH has not shown an ounce of remorse. It hurts.
I applaud the strong men and women here. I have empathy for all those here in pain. I am never, ever, purposely inflicting pain on anyone. I offer sincere apologies if it came off that way to ANYONE.
XWH died Dec. 2010
I don't know what to tell you except use this time to heal and rebuild your marriage. There is really nothing he can do for her at this point.
I mean no disrespect with this next statement honestly as we all have simular but different sitches, but tell your ow what I told my bw. Well we will see when DNA is proven.
Don't let her continue to call and disrupt your lives. Change your phone numbers if you need too. Until DNA is proven your husband is not "LEGALLY" responsble to do a damn thing for her.
If after your husband tells her to leave you guys alone and she won't, slap a restating order on her.
But serioulsy you guys need this time to heal and rebuild, and when the time comes to make a decission (I'm not remembering if you already said it or not) that you have to make decissions if the child is his then do it then. There is still time between giving birth and DNA testing and results.
Also wanted to add.....I know unless your high risk they don't like giving blood test out just for our peace of mind. I'm sure Welfare is even more strick with what they are going to pay especially if from that U/S she has a healthy baby. Just food for thought.
[This message edited by marysway at 12:37 AM, August 12th (Sunday)]
[This message edited by misto1976 at 10:34 AM, August 13th (Monday)]
As far as contact, no contact. I believe it is a personal choice that is made primarily by the H. The consequences must be seriously considered. You, your M and your COM cannot be thrown under the bus emotionally or financially b/c the OW chose to have an OC.
Many blessings to you.
I went down to OW house on Sunday and picked up the twins again. When I saw them Saturday, they were so dirty, they had lost a clothes size in 2 1/2 weeks. They were sad and withdrawn. The OW mutual friend with my H had them for the weekend and she was nice enough to invite me to her party.
When they saw me and my H they were so happy. They stuck to me the whole evening. They thought they were going back home with us. When the friend told them they were going back to their mother, they grabbed on to both of us not wanting to go.
I wanted to take them with us then, but I did not want to put the friend in the middle. Right now she is the only link to letting us know what is going on so I let them go home. It bothered me and my H all night. The next morning I told him I was going to go get them.
We had not way of calling her so I just drove the 1 hr. and showed up. Believe me she wasn't crushed to give them up. I told her we are going to keep them until school starts on the 27th. I just could not let them stay down there all summer, stuck in the house sitting in the corner being quiet because she is sleep during the day.
When they saw my youngest D they were so excited and they hugged her and would not get down for a minute. I am hoping that the investigations that I have reported will get done while we have the kids so that something will break with this.
My sister thinks that I am confusing the OC by having them at my house and then sending them back to the "ghetto". I said if we had visitation it would be the same thing they would have to go back home after visiting. I am doing what I feel it right.
So my boyfriend and I have been talking about R after he had several As and ONSs and several months of being broken up. OW is pregnant and he was pretty sure he was done with her but was trying to use kid gloves with her b/c she is suicidal and emotionally unbalanced.
While I was out of town for a couple weeks, he heard the heartbeat and felt all confused and didn't know what path his life would/should take. He said he loves me and always will but she's carrying his child, etc (he has no other kids). She went out of town for a month and he has gone back to staying at their house while she is gone and looking after one of her older children who he has become close with. She has been pushing hard for them to be together.
When I got back to town, I learned he had told her he was done with her, she took a bunch of pills in an attempt to kill herself and was hospitalized. He also told me that he has been talking to this other girl and although it's not serious (there has been no sex) and he really doesn't know if it's anything, he wanted to be honest with me about it. He said he wasn't expecting this but feels like he has to see if it's anything. he thought he would have known either way in another day or two, but she went out of town as well. He said he just doesn't want their to be any lies anymore and even though it sucked to tell me that, it feels better than the life of lies he was living before. he told her he's still seeing me. OW contacted this other girl so she knows all about everything else now and my BF hadn't gotten to talk to her about it because she was already gone so he doesn't know if she's going to even be down for the drama that is sure to come.
A day later, OW said she was engaged to a resident at the hospital (where she is in the psych ward) who bought her a new car and she's not coming back and is basically abandoning her two older kids who are not hers by blood but she has been their only parent since they were little. My BF was outraged that she would do this to these kids and was ready to step in and take care of the two of them (13 and 15). She also said she would give up her parental rights to their unborn child.
The next day she had supposedly given the ring back (not sure about the car) and after my BF gave her a lot of shit about the older kids, she was going to continue to care for them. but he thinks she's just saying that because it's what he wants and is hoping they will get back together.
I haven't dared even ask about this other girl and if she's back or what's going on with that. It's been nothing but crazy drama and he has been beyond stressed about everything. OW texted me and emailed me about "interfering" in their relationship, how i'm being disrespectful by seeing him (she doesn't know we are takling about R) which is a laugh coming from a woman who he cheated with and basically threatening that my continued involvement with him would mean him not having a real relationship with these kids. oh, but she said that wasn't a threat. the tone of her messages clearly indicated that she thinks they might get back together.
there is just so much going on here. i do really love him and being together the last month and a half has been great. a lot of our problems seem to be getting better and we're talking about MC. i was pretty thrown by the involvement of another girl in this mess, but i feel like i can't be too upset about it. we haven't officially gotten back together, we're just talking about it, and he has his misgivings too. i did hook up with one of his friends one drunken night (no sex) before i found out he had cheated but he had already cheated and cheated some more after. then while we were broken up these last few months, my poor reaction to all the heartbreak and turmoil was to be fairly promiscuous. we live in a small city where people like to talk and my BF heard about pretty much everything so that's been hard for him to deal with too. and while things have been better with us, we still have a lot to work on. so i do understand his uncertainties about us.
then there is this whole OW/OC drama. she is clearly going to make things as difficult as she possibly can for him and i don't expect that to stop. she's also clearly crazy as a loon and assuming this does turn out to be his child (pretty good chance - probably 90% - and due around january) she will be bringing the drama strong to the hoop for the next 18 years. if she doesn't take the older kids, then he's got them to deal with too and are they going to want me in the picture? i'm sure OW paints me as the bad person here though they can't think she's so great at this point either.
i don't know, there are so many variables and things change daily and we never know if what she is saying is true or a lie. i feel like the only thing for me to do is wait and see, try not to get too attached, live my life and do things for myself and see what happens. it's so hard though and i always want to talk to him about what's going on and where things stand but he's just trying to keep his head on straight with all this insanity going on around him and work and look after this kid. he doesn't really like to talk about OW because things change with her so quickly and he doesn't know what's real. i feel like if i pressure him to tell me what our status is and where we are going, it will be too much for him to deal with and will push him away. and i'm not sure he knows because he's had to focus so much attention on this drama.
i would like to be off this roller coaster ride and i know that's not going to happen if we are together but i was with him for 4 1/2 years and we were engaged. i'm already involved and especially now that i've seen improvements in our relationship, it's hard to walk away. there aren't a lot of good guys out there and while he has made his mistakes, he is taking responsibility for them and he is basically a good man who was unhappy and made some bad decisions.
i don't know if i'm even looking for advice, i just had to tell someone.
i know you're invested and committed, but what has he done to show and prove to you that he is committed to you? your BF has a ton of baggage and none of it is fair to you. yes those of us who have decided to stay and R and have contact w/OC are agreeing to the baggage...but i would not have done it if my H was not 100% remorseful and 100% committed to a future and life w/me.
it's hard to hear that your BF is still being strung around by a psycho prego OW and he was starting to talk to someone new all at the same time...not to mention 2 kids that aren't his or OW's...i know you don't want to hear this, but it may be time to cut your losses and get out...do whatever you need to do, move..travel..get on with your life.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!