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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
Heart Healing
♀ New Member
Member # 6923
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am talking about CS for the OC. Taking away her power over the two of you by her threats to file in CA. CA CS will be more than TX CS. Take away her threat.

If you are planning on staying with your H, you need to get this going. If are NOT planning on staying with your H, then you probably do not want to have HER CS case ahead of yours.


H had 1 year A
D-day: March 2004
Married 20 years
DS-15, DS 13, DD 10
OC born 8-2004
Reconciling and healing!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2005
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ABC, each state is different and you need to look at yours. For mine I could file for CS and not get divorced or seperated at this time. Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

Not to change the subject, but I am so mad right now. The OW got her check on the 1st and she is broke already. Still does not have her lights or gas on we heard from one of her friends.

I was not going to tell my H what I had done by writing to SSI, but I was so pissed when I heard this. He said you are going to cause a big mess and don't coming crying to me when she comes after you. I said first of all I did this for your innocent children who deserve better and why do I seem to care more than you.

He said I was just saying that she could make our lives hell with some of the things I have hang over my head. And I said you put us in this mess, what am I to do. Anyway I asked them to review her case not do an investigation like she was reported.

He was like you know they are going to take the kids away from her, are you ready for that? I said, why aren't you. You should want more for these OC than a crack addict mother who doesn't take care of them.

I just don't understand. He said I see you sitting here worried about some children I made with another woman and you should not be worried about that. I told him you know what I see when I close my eyes. I see the twins smiling at me as I came in the front door, and then I took them back to that horrible situation less than 2 hours later. So I feel like I betrayed them. That is what I see.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((BMC)))))))))))

You are one very special lady. I gain inspiration from you, my dear. You are a caring, loving and decent human being. That is why you worry about those OC in spite of how they came into existence. What if they turn out not to be your H's? If he knew of this situation with other children wouldn't he report it? Hang in there, BMC.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
ABCSJ
♀ New Member
Member # 15201
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In most cases I would agree that TX would be less but because he is almost 9 and in TX you have to pay back child support and in CA you do not then CA may be the better choice for us. What do you think? We find out tomorrow if he is his and I am staying with my husband come what may.

[This message edited by ABCSJ at 11:22 AM, August 7th (Tuesday)]


Me - 29
Him - 30
Kids - 12, 10, 4
OC - 8
OW - 31
D-Day - June 24th, 2007
R - July 2007

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2007
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure about the no back pay for CS in CA? My friend is paying CA CS and is having to pay back support since he didn't start paying until she was like eleven...might want to check into that.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mistro dna may have been proven at birth? Or were they married? But come to think of it (and don't know all the paticulars) another bw friend of mine her husband has to pay all kinds of back cs too and they are in CA. Yeap you better check into it. If she has not tried to contact him or get dna proven it does not seem fair that he would have to pay back cs no matter what state he lives in.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
m_pep
New Member
Member # 15396
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not in CA, but when ExH was found to be the father of OC, he was made to pay child support from BEFORE birth (OW was on welfare during her pregnancy) even though she had another man's name on the birth certificate. very unfair IMO.

Also, I have not been a member here at SI long. I have been reading a TON. I have not been ready to post my story - soon hopefully. Still very much dealing with everything unfolding. I am 34 days post dday. WH has not shown an ounce of remorse. It hurts.

I applaud the strong men and women here. I have empathy for all those here in pain. I am never, ever, purposely inflicting pain on anyone. I offer sincere apologies if it came off that way to ANYONE.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2007
ABCSJ
♀ New Member
Member # 15201
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lawyers from CA said that back CS can be taken for 3 years post date of issue to pay for Welfare benefits. But since to our knowledge the OW hasnt been on W and was in the military while pregnant so the military would have paid it anyway. We shouldnt have any back CS to pay. However I have only talked to 2 CA lawyers so far so I am still finding out new things. However TX said right up front they take back support.


Me - 29
Him - 30
Kids - 12, 10, 4
OC - 8
OW - 31
D-Day - June 24th, 2007
R - July 2007

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2007
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, August 10th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you who already know your H is the father of the OC....
How did you deal with waiting for the results? On the one hand I want the OW to have her baby just to get everything over with or out in the open. But on the other, I'm afraid of what the results maybe and don't want her to have her kid (and no i don't mean abortion). I'm just dreading the day that her son is born. If my H is the father than that means another dday for me. Ow is supposedly a couple of months behind me. She is due in October or November and I just had my baby.
Also once you found out the results what was your reaction? Or did you deep down just know that the paternity was going to be positive?


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
ABCSJ
♀ New Member
Member # 15201
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 10th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waiting was pure hell. I found out the 8th. I hoped that the results would be negative but I figured with my luck they wouldnt be and they werent. My reaction was nausea and a severe headache. I am so sorry you are in this possition.


Me - 29
Him - 30
Kids - 12, 10, 4
OC - 8
OW - 31
D-Day - June 24th, 2007
R - July 2007

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2007
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 11th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waiting was hell and we only waited for three weeks. It was one of those things where my H ended the A and then the OW (a coworker) turns up pregnant two weeks later. She was living with an on/off boyfriend during the brief A (three week PA). She was cagey and dishonest when my H asked her questions. So the only way to get a straight answer was to go to the doctor with her (my H, not me!) He played like he was concerned, and went with her to her regular doctor. She tried to get him to leave the room during the internal, but he stayed. Then she tried to dissuade the doctor from doing the ultrasound, but my H won out. Turns out she's two more weeks pregnant than the beginning of the affair (and my H swears he wore protection every time). And she admitted to my H after that she must have been two weeks along when they hooked up. But here's the kicker..she's still trying to convince my H that the baby is his. She went for a blood test, just a blood test! to the clinic she'll be going to for delivery (she doesn't have insurance) and she came back and tried to tell my H that the blood test said she was 10 weeks, not 13. Oh, please! Does she really think he's that stupid? What a miserable, lousy piece of crap she is. So, yeah, the waiting was the hardest part, and watching the toll it was taking on my H, and how it jolted our R. And that was only three weeks, really. We were quite relieved thanks to the ultrasound, but the b**ch just won't stop.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, August 12th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red your husband needs to tell her that NC until DNA can be proven then it can be handled however you guys choose to. Seriously I don't know what to say. She can go get one U/S and it says one thing and the blood test says another. My due date was changed 4 times but only within a 4 day period so really it was not a huge change of 2 weeks.

I don't know what to tell you except use this time to heal and rebuild your marriage. There is really nothing he can do for her at this point.

I mean no disrespect with this next statement honestly as we all have simular but different sitches, but tell your ow what I told my bw. Well we will see when DNA is proven.

Don't let her continue to call and disrupt your lives. Change your phone numbers if you need too. Until DNA is proven your husband is not "LEGALLY" responsble to do a damn thing for her.

If after your husband tells her to leave you guys alone and she won't, slap a restating order on her.

But serioulsy you guys need this time to heal and rebuild, and when the time comes to make a decission (I'm not remembering if you already said it or not) that you have to make decissions if the child is his then do it then. There is still time between giving birth and DNA testing and results.

Also wanted to add.....I know unless your high risk they don't like giving blood test out just for our peace of mind. I'm sure Welfare is even more strick with what they are going to pay especially if from that U/S she has a healthy baby. Just food for thought.

[This message edited by marysway at 12:37 AM, August 12th (Sunday)]


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 12th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say that it sucks that we are all in this situation. Especially since it was something that happened without our consent, obviously.
It is reassuring to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this. Everyone on this forum has really helped out a lot! Just wanted to say thanks!


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with dust to dust...this is a great place to be even if none of us want to be here. I have gotten so much support from the wonderful people here and am soo grateful. I'm doing pretty good these days -- of course I have my ups and downs like everyone else but the downs are fewer which is a good thing. I checked the OW's myspace (yes, again, I know bad me!) and she hasn't been on in almost a month which is strange since she was on there almost everyday or so before...it makes me wonder! The last thing she posted was a pic of her pregnant belly which was gross (sorry) BUT...the thing about it was she was HUGEEE and only supposed to be like six months pregnant...that also makes me wonder but anyways I guess I was just voicing my thoughts. I wonder if she had the baby and if she did then it can't be my H's!!! But not knowing sucks big time *sigh*.

[This message edited by misto1976 at 10:34 AM, August 13th (Monday)]


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waiting was pure hell -- but honestly, in my heart, I knew. I didn't want to believe it and H denied it to the end, but my heart knew. There are two OC here and finding out that both were bio related to my H was numbing. I became numb and went into crisis mode. Not for me but for our COM. And if the DNA is positive, you must think of your COM first. Protect and defend.

As far as contact, no contact. I believe it is a personal choice that is made primarily by the H. The consequences must be seriously considered. You, your M and your COM cannot be thrown under the bus emotionally or financially b/c the OW chose to have an OC.

Many blessings to you.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of the time it doesn't seem like there is any choice in having the M and COM thrown under the bus emotionally and financially by this situation...at least that's the way it seems to me.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is very unfortunate that the legal family has to pay for 1 person's behavior. Even though I feel that I have taken control of our situation, it still has problems.

I went down to OW house on Sunday and picked up the twins again. When I saw them Saturday, they were so dirty, they had lost a clothes size in 2 1/2 weeks. They were sad and withdrawn. The OW mutual friend with my H had them for the weekend and she was nice enough to invite me to her party.

When they saw me and my H they were so happy. They stuck to me the whole evening. They thought they were going back home with us. When the friend told them they were going back to their mother, they grabbed on to both of us not wanting to go.

I wanted to take them with us then, but I did not want to put the friend in the middle. Right now she is the only link to letting us know what is going on so I let them go home. It bothered me and my H all night. The next morning I told him I was going to go get them.

We had not way of calling her so I just drove the 1 hr. and showed up. Believe me she wasn't crushed to give them up. I told her we are going to keep them until school starts on the 27th. I just could not let them stay down there all summer, stuck in the house sitting in the corner being quiet because she is sleep during the day.

When they saw my youngest D they were so excited and they hugged her and would not get down for a minute. I am hoping that the investigations that I have reported will get done while we have the kids so that something will break with this.

My sister thinks that I am confusing the OC by having them at my house and then sending them back to the "ghetto". I said if we had visitation it would be the same thing they would have to go back home after visiting. I am doing what I feel it right.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not even sure why I'm posting except that things have been so crazy you might think I'm making it up.

So my boyfriend and I have been talking about R after he had several As and ONSs and several months of being broken up. OW is pregnant and he was pretty sure he was done with her but was trying to use kid gloves with her b/c she is suicidal and emotionally unbalanced.

While I was out of town for a couple weeks, he heard the heartbeat and felt all confused and didn't know what path his life would/should take. He said he loves me and always will but she's carrying his child, etc (he has no other kids). She went out of town for a month and he has gone back to staying at their house while she is gone and looking after one of her older children who he has become close with. She has been pushing hard for them to be together.

When I got back to town, I learned he had told her he was done with her, she took a bunch of pills in an attempt to kill herself and was hospitalized. He also told me that he has been talking to this other girl and although it's not serious (there has been no sex) and he really doesn't know if it's anything, he wanted to be honest with me about it. He said he wasn't expecting this but feels like he has to see if it's anything. he thought he would have known either way in another day or two, but she went out of town as well. He said he just doesn't want their to be any lies anymore and even though it sucked to tell me that, it feels better than the life of lies he was living before. he told her he's still seeing me. OW contacted this other girl so she knows all about everything else now and my BF hadn't gotten to talk to her about it because she was already gone so he doesn't know if she's going to even be down for the drama that is sure to come.

A day later, OW said she was engaged to a resident at the hospital (where she is in the psych ward) who bought her a new car and she's not coming back and is basically abandoning her two older kids who are not hers by blood but she has been their only parent since they were little. My BF was outraged that she would do this to these kids and was ready to step in and take care of the two of them (13 and 15). She also said she would give up her parental rights to their unborn child.

The next day she had supposedly given the ring back (not sure about the car) and after my BF gave her a lot of shit about the older kids, she was going to continue to care for them. but he thinks she's just saying that because it's what he wants and is hoping they will get back together.

I haven't dared even ask about this other girl and if she's back or what's going on with that. It's been nothing but crazy drama and he has been beyond stressed about everything. OW texted me and emailed me about "interfering" in their relationship, how i'm being disrespectful by seeing him (she doesn't know we are takling about R) which is a laugh coming from a woman who he cheated with and basically threatening that my continued involvement with him would mean him not having a real relationship with these kids. oh, but she said that wasn't a threat. the tone of her messages clearly indicated that she thinks they might get back together.

there is just so much going on here. i do really love him and being together the last month and a half has been great. a lot of our problems seem to be getting better and we're talking about MC. i was pretty thrown by the involvement of another girl in this mess, but i feel like i can't be too upset about it. we haven't officially gotten back together, we're just talking about it, and he has his misgivings too. i did hook up with one of his friends one drunken night (no sex) before i found out he had cheated but he had already cheated and cheated some more after. then while we were broken up these last few months, my poor reaction to all the heartbreak and turmoil was to be fairly promiscuous. we live in a small city where people like to talk and my BF heard about pretty much everything so that's been hard for him to deal with too. and while things have been better with us, we still have a lot to work on. so i do understand his uncertainties about us.

then there is this whole OW/OC drama. she is clearly going to make things as difficult as she possibly can for him and i don't expect that to stop. she's also clearly crazy as a loon and assuming this does turn out to be his child (pretty good chance - probably 90% - and due around january) she will be bringing the drama strong to the hoop for the next 18 years. if she doesn't take the older kids, then he's got them to deal with too and are they going to want me in the picture? i'm sure OW paints me as the bad person here though they can't think she's so great at this point either.

i don't know, there are so many variables and things change daily and we never know if what she is saying is true or a lie. i feel like the only thing for me to do is wait and see, try not to get too attached, live my life and do things for myself and see what happens. it's so hard though and i always want to talk to him about what's going on and where things stand but he's just trying to keep his head on straight with all this insanity going on around him and work and look after this kid. he doesn't really like to talk about OW because things change with her so quickly and he doesn't know what's real. i feel like if i pressure him to tell me what our status is and where we are going, it will be too much for him to deal with and will push him away. and i'm not sure he knows because he's had to focus so much attention on this drama.

i would like to be off this roller coaster ride and i know that's not going to happen if we are together but i was with him for 4 1/2 years and we were engaged. i'm already involved and especially now that i've seen improvements in our relationship, it's hard to walk away. there aren't a lot of good guys out there and while he has made his mistakes, he is taking responsibility for them and he is basically a good man who was unhappy and made some bad decisions.

i don't know if i'm even looking for advice, i just had to tell someone.


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2006
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maggie- I am so sorry that you have found yourself in the same boat as a lot of other people on this forum. Has your bf agreed to a paternity test? Or is he just taking full responsibility for the child as is?


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow...your story was tough to read and i am sorry you are going through all of this. IMHO you need to take care of you. please don't take this the wrong way, but i'm not sure if you BF knows what he really wants...you mentioned that you discussed R...but trust me R can only come when BOTH parties are committed 100%, and from what i read it sounds like your BF was somewhat getting involved w/another woman, even if they may or maynot have been intimate yet. that just doesn't make any sense to me.

i know you're invested and committed, but what has he done to show and prove to you that he is committed to you? your BF has a ton of baggage and none of it is fair to you. yes those of us who have decided to stay and R and have contact w/OC are agreeing to the baggage...but i would not have done it if my H was not 100% remorseful and 100% committed to a future and life w/me.

it's hard to hear that your BF is still being strung around by a psycho prego OW and he was starting to talk to someone new all at the same time...not to mention 2 kids that aren't his or OW's...i know you don't want to hear this, but it may be time to cut your losses and get out...do whatever you need to do, move..travel..get on with your life.

YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
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