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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
Kristine
♀ Member
Member # 11440
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scooter3377-

Well he has successfully had another A. This time an EA. I found out about this while snooping. It was with the woman i had posted about a few months ago. I sent the OW H a letter. He received it last week and since then they both say there is NC.

I am at the point where I am not really sure I care anymore. We seem to be going through the motions of husband/wife. More for the kids and the financial sense of it. We talk but there is not one drop of intimacy in our life at all.

I think I will be one of those couples that is married until the kids move out and then divorce. The odd thing is I am fine with that for now.


BS me 37 years old
WS him 37 years old
married 11 years, together 15
2 daughters 10 and 4
D-day 7/24/06
WS had a ONS in 12/05
OC born 8/06 confirmed to be his 1/07
EA 11/06-4/07 outed due to letter to OW H

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jul 2006
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God bless you Hon. I hope that everything will turn out okay for you guys. I swear I don't get the sense in this whole cheating thing. Just break up with me for God sake. Do us all a favor. Take care...


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
scooter3377
♀ Member
Member # 11425
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kristine-
I am so sorry to hear that. I think my marriage is in the pits too. I am so done with him come January unless he does some drastic changes. HE is not having an A but his drinking is getting on my nerves and I am not going to raise our son in the environment that he is creating with his drinking. he knows he doesn't have control but he isn't doing anything to fix it. I laid into him this morning about his actions. He made no attempt to make things right. So come January 2008- when I have our debt paid off- I will leave unless I see some changes in the next 8 months. I can hang in until then.


Me BS - 35,
Him WS - 42
M 10/2003 (together since 09/1999)
1 son / 2 dogs
2+ years PA and EA with co-worker
#1D-day: 3/12/06; #2D-day: 11/3/06 (found out the "Rest of the Story")
4/11 Status: reconciled the affair- still dealing with t

Posts: 1553 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Raleigh, NC
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry to hear that Hon. We are going to MC on Thursday. I think he is still talking to her. He swears that he is not but I have no trust in what he says. We have to look out for our children that is what is most important. She says she wants to have an abortion, which means she aint as far along as she said. I hate to say it but it would make mine and my baby's life easier if she did. But I know I could never do it. It just hurts because I wanted to have another baby before I get too old. But it looks like that is not going to happen now. That means he would have 4 kids. He has a son who is 15, I have been around him since he was 6 months. So he is my baby, and I love him like he is mine. I just don't know how I am going to be able to love this baby. I mean I know she is going to be playing games. I went to see an attorney and I don't need to get a legal separation. Because in Kansas they pay child support based on how many kids that you have. But the child care I am not sure how it is going to work out, he is telling me that he will watch them for her. But that aint gonna work she has a daughter too. Who is not going to be around my baby. Hell no. so she can do something to him while I am gone. No! I hope I can be strong and figure this all out. Take care Hon.


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS and I are a little over 1 month in R. He had 10 yr A with OW and has 3 alleged OC, trying to establish paternity. The 3 yr. twins birthday is Saturday and 2 weeks ago we made the decision as a couple that he would not go to the birthday party.
He would send gifts and we would have a party for them here. Well today the OW calls and he changes his mind and wants to go to birthday party and wanted me to go.

I said that this is too fresh for me and I am not going to subject myself to an afternoon of being with people who betrayed me. Him, OW, and 3 of our friends who knew about A from the beginning and helped him to get to see her and OC.

I told him I don't want him to go. It hurts me and OW is using this as a power play. He feels that I am being unreasonable. I told him if he goes, he might as well take all his belongings because I don't want him to come back if he can't respect my feelings.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to think about the OC he had with OW and not want to celebrate their birthday with her? I feel it is a stab in my heart. He says if I don't want to go, he wants to go.

I feel that she is using these children to get him back down to her house. I told him he is not doing everything to make me heal and that I want limited contact until paternity has been established.

3 weeks ago, I brought these OC to my house for the weekend. I put my personal feelings aside and I brought them clothes, toys, and food. I don't think I should have to sacifice more than I have already. I don't want to be a sucker again by letting him go to party and I don't want to be there. I don't know what to do.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man this is the kind of shit I am worried about. How do you deal with it? I think you should stick to your guns. If he can't respect that then that is their problem. You do not have to sacrifice you happiness because he is all gungho about being a daddy. You are the family unit not them. I will be praying for you. Keep you head up.


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
jbb1964
♂ New Member
Member # 9998
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have put my story on some of the other forums before but I will tell it again.

D Day was 1/13/06 for me and yes that was Friday the 13th. That following week my WS had another contact with the OM and she conceived.

I am gonna fast forward a little bit. OM tried to get my wife to abort and she agreed at first. I told if she did, hit the road because God created this child and I will have no part in killing it. She agreed and we started working on our R. We did discuss adoption as an option but now the OM would not agree to sign off to allow that. I love my wife very much and we decided to raise this child on our own.

Fast forward more. 10/11/06 this beautiful baby girl was born ans she stole my heart that very moment. I love her even though my blood does not run in her veins.

In November OM decides to establish paternity and the DNA test was ordered and proved him as the biological father and the judge claimed him as legal father.

Forward to April 07 and the baby is 6 months old at this point and very much needs her mother. Judge orders weekly visitation with OM and his family for every Thursday night 6:00PM to Saturday night 6:00PM. I Have never heard such a crazy visitaton schedule. His wife stayed with him as well and we have discovered that OM has had multiple A's.

That is where we are for now. We are in the process of the psychological and custodial evaluations right now which is just a huge waste of money in my opinion. Also have remaining depositions to go. The OM wants to be primary residential parent and take this child from her mother. This has been going on since Nov. 06 and I have paid over $60,000 to this point and I suspect it will double that before it is over or if it will ever be over.

People wonder why and how I do this. I love my wife and I love my 2 boys and I don't want this family divided.

I truly feel OM is only pursuing this child for another opportunity to be with my wife. She sees it the same way and wants nothing to do with him.

If anyone would like, PM me and I can give more detail. This past year and a half has been very tough but the good news is my wife and I have truly R. Our marriage is stronger than it ever has been before because now God is the center of our lives.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Tennessee
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got a big heart there Jbb. If the child my XW is carring is mine, I will step in and be a great father.. But if its not, Im walking away. Maybe thats selfish but we wasted 10 years trying to get pregnant, and if its not mine shes gunna havta find out who the real father is.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
clv40
♀ Member
Member # 14409
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH just received his DNA results this week and he's OC's biological dad. At this point I am seriously considering divorce- not just because of OC but also because I don't think he's as committed to our marriage as he should be. Part of what makes the OC situation difficult is that now my son has another half sibling and one that is younger than him and eventually he will figure out the story behind OC's birth. Right now I have no feelings towards OC, either good or bad. Unfortunately, right now she's yet another reminder and product of a very destructive affair.

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Florida
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a question for all those whose husband's had an affair and had another child as a result. Once you found out that your H was the biological father, why did you decide to stay and R? If you didn't, what was the reason behind leaving?

Back to those who decided to R. How did you figure out how to have contact with OC while not having contact with the OW? I am afraid that if my fiance is the father of the OC then she will try to do something if he has visitation rights/joint custody. He's assured me that if he is the father, then all meetings will be done in a public place and that he won't have visitation over at her apartment. Thats only if he is the father though.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dust to dust--My H had a LTA with a surprise OC, which precipitated d-day--I'll try to answer why we are reconciling.

First of all, we are older, and have 30 years invested in our marriage--3 grown kids and mutual interest in being grandparents together--this was the first and only A, a sort of perfect storm sort of situation (long distance, business colleagues, business trips, attraction, her neediness, his ego neediness, etc. etc.). I didn't want to throw it all away, especially since H never was interested in leaving our marriage and made that clear to her. He is remorseful and we're in MC, and he did and does what he has to do to help me and us get through all the crap of the past almost 2 years, and the future stuff which lingers always, especially when there is an OC around.

That's the short answer--but it's still the most difficult thing I've ever done, and our new R is still a work in progress.

OC is now 16 months old and lives across the country, soon to be moving to Europe. H has never visited her city without me accompanying him, never saw OC in OW's apartment alone (once her mother was there), has never been alone with OW, and most of the visitations have been at daycare--and sometimes he didn't even have to see OW. He had lots of arguments with OW over the situation, since she doesn't want me "involved", and she had the fantasy that they would be a happy little family, if only part time. Which isn't happening. I met OC once, and supposedly this month we will start my being "allowed" to participate in the visits. It's taken a long time and lots of discussions to get to this point, but it has sort of worked. Still lots of heartache for me, too many phone conversations between H and FOW (baby has health issues), lots of angst from H about being an absentee father.

One routine we've finally developped is H calling every couple of weeks for an update, and to talk to OC, from our home with me present. OW still feels too free to call him at work, and H is trying to do more emailing rather that talking to her without me there. Trouble with having an OC is the contact with OW that is necessary--and it really is a constant hegotiation.

But most of the time it's okay--regular marriage stuff with us working harder to remain connected, just living life--with those hiccups of contact with OC. Hoping it will be a little easier for me when I get to know him as a person and not just a symbol of the A--we shall see. OW is a little nutty, and I wouldn't be surprised if she changed the rules suddenly.

Good luck with your decision making--maybe you will have a sane OW who will accept the fact that your and your fiance's R comes first.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
clv40
♀ Member
Member # 14409
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just think that an OC makes a sticky situation even stickier, because there will always be contact with OW, no matter if it's minimal or not. I think that for there to be a successful R, both spouses need to be willing to work extra hard on the marriage and R. And each needs to be able to ensure that the marriage get into a healthy state. If the marriage or relationship is not worked on, I do not see that a successful R will be the outcome.

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Florida
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listening to all of you has made me wonder if R is possible. Not because it isnt but because he is not willing to do what it takes to make our marriage work. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes because it is all I think about. I don't like him to leave the house for very long at fear he is checking on his prego girlfriend. He swears that they are no contact but he refuses to open his phone to me. So in my heart I know what is going on. I have to find a way to make it through this with my sanity and my digity. Which have both already been damaged. We argue all the time and he complains about having to make changes. And that I don't appreciate what his efforts to make things right between us. I don't know maybe R is not possible here. He is going to continue to make this my problem not his. thanks for listening.


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
PHOEBE
Member
Member # 8444
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok sorry i was gone so long and yes that was a list i was going to post.

Bmc your story really stick out to me WHY hasnt he gotten the dna tests done yet??? Tell him if the dna tests were done then you would have not problem with him attending and you along with him but until YOU know for sure the child/ren are his you want nothing to do with them as a whole. That is NOT unreasonable and very logical especially for him.


Posts: 553 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: USA
jbb1964
♂ New Member
Member # 9998
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, May 11th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Wimsey on R. I have 19 years invested in my marriage and I did not want to throw away all those years. I wanted to try and salvage that back. My W is very remorseful and she cannot understand why in the worls she ever fell for this piece of trash other man.

I have forgiven her just as Jesus has forgiven us all. I love her that much and I did not want to see our family torn apart and I also had 2 teenage boys that had to be considered in this process. It has been the hardest thing I ever done but I have no regrets for doing my part in keeping this family together.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Tennessee
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, May 12th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is thank god for good friends who can tell you things straight.
My WS has such a friend and she let him know what OW is trying to accomplish with this birthday party. It basically is a trap to get you down to her house get you high and betray your wife again or a ploy to get you to get back with her and get money out of you.

I thank this friend for talking to him and letting him know that OW is not his friend, that she has disrespected me as his wife all these years and is continuing to do so and he is helping her.

He says he loves me, doesn't want to lose me and is very weak when it comes to this OW. He doesn't know how to be mean to her, I said you don't have to be mean, just put boundaries on your contact with her and respect me and my feelings. Last night I got 2 outfits for him to mail to the twins for their birthday. He cried that even after the fight we had, I still went and brought the twins gifts. I told him as a woman and a mother I have compassion for these children and they deserve to get presents from their "father".

When she call him this morning, she didn't call last night, guess she did not want more of my D.

He tells her he is not going to party and sent presents in the mail. She gets upset wants to know why. He said he is not falling into the trap, she said what trap? He said I am not putting myself an a situation down at your house. Of course she was pissed. Asked him for money again, he told her he didn't have any.

This bitch just doesn't stop. We told her there will be no cash until paternity is established, but that we are willing to get what kids need for now. She just wants cash. Won't do it! I just wish we could afford the tests, you are talking about $600-$1100 to test these children. He just got his job back and I have had 2 blood transfusions in the past six months. Just to difficult right now.

This is a big step for him, he says he doesn't know how to change, I told him it a process and it doesn't happen overnight. And neither does my healing.

Right now we will have a relative of hers look in on children until we get paternity established, if she doesn't let the OC visit.


[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:41 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: 39 yrs old.
Him: 42 yrs. old
Married: 19 years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 18, 17,15
3 Alleged OC w/ OW 3,3,8
Working on R


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are an amazingly strong woman. I hope I can be that strong through this pregnancy and until we find out paternity.


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had another question. For those of you who have children and there is another child, how did you explain that to your kids? Did you tell them the truth?


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, May 13th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a good question. He has decieded he wants a divorce. This is so crazy. I am worried that my child will be hurt because eventually he will find out what happened. Especially since he will be having contact with the child. This is so tuff, so many variables. But I can't see me feeling better without him even though he has done this. I know that I do love him and I want to try to work things through with a counselor. But I am afraid once the baby gets here he is not going to care about trying to keep our family together. I can not wait til MC on Wednesday. I just pray that he is going to go. But if he does not then I guess I know my answer. Happy Mother's Day to all of you.


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
jbb1964
♂ New Member
Member # 9998
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 14th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dust to dust,

I have 2 teenage sons, 18 and 16. My wife and I told them the truth because we felt they were old enough and mature enough to handle it and we were right. My boys are incredible and I love them more than life itself. They have watched me love this child and in return, they love her openly as well. I think if I had shut this child out of my life then I think they would have to.

It's not this child fault on how she was conceived and she deserves to be loved like any other child. I think when she is old to enough to understand how she was conceived, that will the time that I think will be hard for us all. When that time comes, I will be open to any kind of guidance I can get.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Tennessee
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