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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((25wimsey))))) You'll tell the adult children when you can. If I think of anything that might be useful, I'll send it your way. We told dear SD; she had to be -- lives near the OW. She doesn't hold anything against them, mostly her father. But she is 17. I've talked with her about the OW, been brutally honest and she now holds them both accountable. But she doesn't have anything against the OC. One day she wants to meet them, but will wait until we settle the court crap.

Seems to me that the OW in your case should be ashamed. She chose to bring her child into this world -- she chose for her child to have this "stigma" hanging over its head. No matter what you or your H does -- some day the OC will know the circumstances around its conception and birth. Nothing can erase it. Seems to me she is lucky that the OC's father wants contact. And that the BW is lovely.

(Sorry if the above is insensitive, marysway. I don't mean it about you.)



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
Emotional
New Member
Member # 15573
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scooter3377 - going thru similar sit. Wondering if we should hire an atty if the child is my H and I decide to stay?

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Georgia
ABCSJ
♀ New Member
Member # 15201
Sad  Posted: 2:57 AM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know nobody is going to be on my side on this one but for some reason it helps me to post it. We talked to OW today. H called her to find out what she is going to do since she threatened a lawyer on us now. I was on the other phone listening so as not to get her riled up. She is treating me like the bad guy in all of this and saying well did you tell your wife this and did you tell her that and he says well you tell her she is on the phone and she actually had the nerve to say "I am not going to let you talk to both of us at the same time. If you want to talk to her then I am going to go" and she hung up. I mean am I just losing it here or am I a victim in this? She lives in CA and if she goes to court for CS she can get $700-$800 a month. That is almost half of what my husband gets a month. We have 3 kids of our own to raise and if she goes for CS like almost everyone on this thread thinks is right, because we live in a state that has a lower cost of living, we will probably have to go bankrupt. I love my husband and I know this was a one time screw up 9 years ago, albeit a big one. Me and my children shouldnt have to live in poverty because some military female couldnt keep her hands off my drunk and depressed husband.


Me - 29
Him - 30
Kids - 12, 10, 4
OC - 8
OW - 31
D-Day - June 24th, 2007
R - July 2007

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((ABC)))))))))))))))

Oh, honey. Boy do I feel your pain. My COM and I are living in poverty right now, buying groceries on a credit card. A few questions, and pardon me if you have already answered them, I'm living in the land of insomnia lately and don't have the greatest memory. Have you spoken to your own lawyer about this? Has DNA testing been done? Look up CS laws in CA, if you haven't already done that. There should be some type of provision for the COM -- although if it is like the state we are dealing with, it won't be much. Page 4 of this thread has a list of helpful things to do. As far as treating you like the bad guy, well, many OWs do that to justify themselves and their horrible actions. My H and I decided that no conversation would occur between the two of them w/o me present. Period. You have to take back the control. You could even set up a separate email account for her to send messages - one that you both have access to. Just a thought. If she is military, couldn't she also get in deep s#@t if she were convicted of sleeping with a MM?

emotional -- don't know your story, but when you are dealing w/CS and paternity and DNA stuff -- you need an attorney. Please be careful with what your H signs or sends.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
ABCSJ
♀ New Member
Member # 15201
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well first she isnt military anymore she used the pregnancy as an excuse and got out. We have talked to lawyers in both CA and TX where we live to find out our rights and where we go from here. The paternity test has been taken we are just waiting on results. She writes him to the military email and I have access to that and she knows it. We have also decided there will be no contact with OW without me present. He knows not to sign or send anything and right now we are just trying to get her to settle out of court with an agreement drawn up by the lawyer and signed by everyone. As for all the things listed on page 4 like the psuedo seperation and all that with the military that isnt so cut and dried. I didnt go to bed last night til almost 4 because I couldnt stop thinking about her voice, crying and sobbing at my husband saying its not fair I have all this to worry about and she has nothing to worry about. He didnt say anything to that one he just told her what we had talked about and then when she found out I was on the phone she hung up. With the military health system there are prefixes used to identify which child is coming in for an appointment and stuff and right now my kids are children #1, #2, and #3 and it doesnt seem like much to most people but the thought of my youngest being bumped to #4 makes me sick to my stomach. Everytime I make her an appointment for a physical or whatever I am going to have to tell them child #4. I am on a very steep cliff right now and I dont know if I can keep from jumping. Its all so BIG.

[This message edited by ABCSJ at 11:25 AM, July 31st (Tuesday)]


Me - 29
Him - 30
Kids - 12, 10, 4
OC - 8
OW - 31
D-Day - June 24th, 2007
R - July 2007

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, ABC. Please step back from the edge. I know the pain. I had to fight long and hard to get the healthcare place to list the OC on a different card, separate from my #3. Still, every time I go online for healthcare stuff, I have to see their names. They even bumped one of the OC up in front of my son. It hurts. Like salt being poured into the open wound. It is BIG. It is awful. I'm sending you (((((((hugs))))))))))). You are not alone in this.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy the pain of the OW and the OC just doesn't go away. ((ABC)) ((25wimsey))so sorry for your situations. Sometimes I wonder if any of us will ever have any peace.

We took the OC back last night after staying at my house for 2 weeks. It was very difficult, they have grown to love being with us and did not want to go back to their mother.

We were suppose to bring them back on Sunday, but she calls and says her electricity and gas were cut off and she doesn't have any food can we keep them another week? My H said that she was playing us and we took the OC back last night.

She kept calling my H cell phone asking and begging him for us to keep them. Well she gets their SSI check tomorrow and she thought she was going to blow it while I took care of her children. She then calls my cell and says he is being unreasonable and she needs time to get herself together and we could at least call her and handle this reasonably. This b**** is crazy.

We called her several times letting her know we were coming, we get down there and she is not home. Her uncle claims he has not seen her in 5 days. Lights were off. My H was going to leave OC on porch( he was angry) and said you can't do that, lets call police. A neighbor comes over and states that she is at some guys house down the street.

The police say either take them back with you or they go to foster care. I got frustrated told my H it is your decision. Suddenly OW shows up with a group of 7-8 people goes crazy that we called police. The whole time the OC are crying that they want to go back to daddy's house. When they begged me not to leave them I lost it. It broke my heart.

She demanded her children and basically told my H he will never see them again. I was so angry at my H for getting involved with such a woman less enough putting poor children in the middle.
He wanted to know did I want to go back and get them, as much as I did I knew I couldn't because I can't show her that her OC are a weakness for me and I could not let her take advantage.

I am worried that she is going to hurt them, I know they are going to drive her crazy about going back to daddy's house. I keep praying that something will happen to break this wide open. Child Protective Services did not remove the children when I called them so I don't know what to do now.

I wish I was not in this mess!


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((bmc)))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what else to say.

Many, many thoughts and prayers for you and all of the children.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abcs I am probaly the last one you want to hear from. Believe it or not it is NOT unusal for the ow blame to the bw.......at first. You have got to understand that the MM was the hero and now all of sudden MM has turned into this person that ONLY the bw could have made him Plus woman are emotional and we tend to use those emotions where Men are just trying to avoid the whole conflict to begin with. So here we have the bw who rightfully feels this ow has taken advantage of her husband and is now using this oc as a weapon..........and then you've got the ow who as I said thought the mm was her hero and savior who could have done NO WRONG. GUESSS WHAT.......The mm is just as wrong and in some ways worse than that ow.

Yes the CS can be an issue. I still stand by what I said. If it be by anything but donation from a sperm bank both parties in my eyes are responsible. But besides even doing some of what is on page 4 there are other things to do to get ahead of the game. A lot of states DO consider your kids. Some states don't. But the courts don't want to support that child either. It is far from fair on either side. But it is what we have now.

I do mean this but I am sorry you are hurting so bad. Be prepared. I'm sure both attorney's in both states gave you an idea what you are looking at. Find out what it will take to include your kids in the support and try and stay 2 steps ahead of her if she is planning to play dirty.

I can tell you this....you have your husband and eventually she too will start to get over this and calm down. Time does help to heal wounds if we allow the wounds to heal.

I will be upfront I could not stand my bw. But not because of MM. She was never my friend but I knew her and I knew her well. I also knew what she was capable of. When the affair started I was at a indifference stage towards her then when she finally found out (which I had to force xmm into to not blind side her) it went back to hate again. I will be the first to tell you though it was from her reactions to xmm's lies to her about us and the oc, but I took it out on her as she took it out on me. I can proudly say I've been back at indifference for quite some time and it feels so much better than hate. Good luck to you.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC WOW! Unbelievable! Okay I know as much as you don't want too it's getting close to get paternity done. This lady is crazy.

Question........say you have paternity done and they are not your husband's what will they do? I mean it sounds like there is attachtments there. Have you guys talked about that? I'd also feel really bad for those kids finding out they don't really have daddy and you to go too. It sounds like you guys are there safe house/safe place kwim?

I mean if they are his I don't see how diffucult it would be to prove HER unfit even without CPS coming if you keep records of no power, not being home, crazy people following her home to yell at you guys.......you keeping the kids and her begging for you to keep them longer. It sounds like she does drugs and drug test are requested and granted all the time in courts. Then get cs from her! Trust me the courts would either give you some of whatever she gets or make her get a job! I just can't imagine being that way and letting my kids stay with there father that long. They went on vacation with him for 2 weeks but had like 2 days between trips that they were home and it KILLED ME! OC has ALWAYS been with me and her even being gone a weekend at this point would be hard (although I maybe able to get use to it twice a mont)

I hope I am not out of line asking, but just wondering.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maryways,

I don't mind you asking. I have to think of these OC as kids in need, because that is what helps me keep going and have the feelings I have for them. If they are not my husband's I help some children who really need someone in their corner.

I am looking into resources to get paternity established. If we wanted to take them we would have to do the legal paternity which is about $1,100.

Yes you are right, she is a crack addict, but on the flip side she was my H drug buddy, so I don't know that a judge would find my H a decent parent either.

I did the only thing I could think to do right now. I wrote a letter to SSI and requested that they audit her to make her show receipts that the money she gets is going to the children's needs. If she can't prove that, that they see if there is another responsible person who could be the payee. I don't know what they will do with my letter, but hopefully they will look at the situation.

My H has so much baggage that he could not just go into court and request custody and I am pissed at him for putting innocent little kids in this mess.

All I do is pray that they are safe and that she is feeding them.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bmc that is just so sad all the way around. I'm assuming that SSI is welfare? It really pisses me off when I hear this. They are receiving this money for any kids that need to be fed and clothed and housed.

It sounds like your husband is trying to clean up his baggage? Is that is the case I would go forward with what it takes. Seriously. Even without paternity she is claming him to be daddy. He has been in there lives. Did he sign an AOP when they were born regarding there Birth Cirt? If he did then he presumed to be father legally. There is NO WAY to get the courts to do the DNA testing at discounted rates? I know this is very important to do. My attorney actually had a client who had 5 kids and was living with this woman. 5 kids persumed his. He did DNA testing and found out that not a one of them were his and that is so sad. Sad because he's established a relationship with all 5 kids and thought they were his blood and sad that this woman did that. I truely sorry your stuck between a rock and hard spot.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bmc, I am so sorry for your pain. I can't imagine the agony of watching kids beg you to take them home - whether their your H's or not, doesn't matter. Stay strong!!


Not to change the subject, but I just found out that there is no way the OW is carrying my H's kid!!!!! I am so relieved, and he is, but he's still angry.
You see, the only way we were going to find out anything for sure is for him to go to the doctor with her. She agreed at first, then told him she didn't want him in the room. He insisted, so he was there for this internal today. And when the doctor prepared to do the ultrasound, she started to protest it, but my husband intervened. Well, the ultrasound proved that she is 12 weeks and one day pregnant, not the nine weeks she's been telling my H. So she was already pregnant when they got together. This is such a load off of my mind. Now we can continue with our reconciliation, and move on.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((redvixen)))

I'm so happy for you and your H to have good news! That gives me renewed hope in my situation :)


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
Heart Healing
♀ New Member
Member # 6923
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ABC--I haven't posted here for a long time. But after reading your story, I had to jump in. Our OW lived in TX and we lived in CA when the A took place and when OC was born. We filed in TX, partly because that is where OC lives and also because TX has much less liberal CS laws than CA.

Do not let her file in CA, you need to file first in TX. Your child support will be less and you will take away any power she has over you. Do not count on her to do anything to help you and your family......by not filing for CS. She will do it......now, or later. And she will make your life miserable until then.

Don't tell her you are going to do it. Find an attorney, get your info and file. Get your info to the court and make her deal with TX laws. Your case can be filed in EITHER state. Take control!

The OW in our case was pissed off that we filed in TX before she could get hers on file in CA. She never thought my H would file and she had time. He filed right after OC was born. She should have figured he would. He is an attorney and wanted everything legal and upfront ASAP.

Consult an attorney. Find out what your COM rights are in TX. They will not come out ahead in CA. CA has one of the most liberal CS laws in the country.

Good luck! Get busy!


H had 1 year A
D-day: March 2004
Married 20 years
DS-15, DS 13, DD 10
OC born 8-2004
Reconciling and healing!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2005
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's good news Red Vixen! I know that you feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.

As far as my situation, SSI is Social Security for kids with disabilities. I don't know exact what kind of problems they have.But I am sure that living in that situation is not helping. My H is not listed on anything.

They know him as daddy from day 1 from what I have been told. Yesterday my father-in-law was in town and wanted to visit the OC. My H called OW and told her we were coming, she pretended that she was going to be home.

When we get there she went to the store and said she was on her way. Of course she did this on purpose. And that did not go well with my FIL. I really wanted to see them yesterday to make sure they were ok. As we got closer to the house,I got physically ill. The thought of my FIL meeting this OW was very painful. I am glad that we didn't see her.

I am working towards getting the paternity tests and trying to focus on that right now.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
linbol
♀ Member
Member # 15008
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Redvixen , I am so happy that an OC is not an issue for you two any more. I know it is a relief it surely was for us, now you two can move forward and work on your relationship. My fiance and I are doing that now some days are harder than others it just takes time.

ABC, file for cs for your children first and in your state.


Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((BMC)))))))))

Yea, redvixen!!! I'm so glad you will not have to deal w/this.

ABC -- file for CS. Right away. (((((hugs)))))



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
ABCSJ
♀ New Member
Member # 15201
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I file for CS if I am still married? Because of the way the military works we lose alot of our benefits if we seperate including a place to live.


Me - 29
Him - 30
Kids - 12, 10, 4
OC - 8
OW - 31
D-Day - June 24th, 2007
R - July 2007

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2007
clv40
♀ Member
Member # 14409
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to be separated to file for CS.

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Florida
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