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User Topic: Other Child
kdny
♀ Member
Member # 760
Red  Posted: 6:09 PM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to note that we are reading this thread and think
it would be a shame if people left the thread or the site due to a differing opinion.

Much better to ignore posts you don't like or that don't resonate with you and continue to get the support you need.

We can't really moderate or disallow a differing opinion as that is what a message board is all about.

This is a volitile subject, always has been. This is the third OC thread in this forum(the first two were full) so its obvious that its a good support system for those of you going through it.

We hope that you will continue to use it for that support.


[This message edited by kdny at 6:10 PM, July 27th (Friday)]


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with kdny--ignore the posts that don't feel right to you but continue posting--there are enough of us (unfortunately) to allow many different points of view--and to repond to those that resonate with you. Please don't leave this supportive place--

H has his biweekly "update" phone call and "talk" with OC this weekend--mostly OC listening and babbling, but it's a connection. I don't like the contact with OW and H, but since the calls are from home and in my presence, that's the best we can do and I choose to live with that. Cuz H wants contact with his child.

Finding a way to deal with the contact with OW that is necessitated by contact with OC is an important topic for those of us with C to share about. Or vent about. Or tear our hair out about. And this is a good place to do it. But those who choose NC are also doing what is right for them, and have other issues to vent about. We've all swallowed so much already--we can swallow differing points of view I think--hope so.

I'm trying to feel like our next visit will be fun for me,( planned for the end of August) since it will be in France and could be an exciting trip for me and H together (although I know I will be obsessing on all the times he was there to see her at the beginning of the LTA)--at least we're going to England first to visit some relatives and revisit some places that HE AND I were before and found wonderful together. Wish me luck.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I don't have a prob with differing opinions and I did ignore the first post but after the second one I just felt that I have enough turmoil going on in my life without having to deal with someone bashing other/my opinions on this topic. Sorry.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loads of luck, wimsey, on your trip. Try not to dwell on where your H and OW ever went - your H chose you and your M.
I admire everyone here. Every case is different, and everyone handles theirs in different ways. I've been learning a lot just by incorporating a little of this and a little of that-whatever pertains to my own problems. We're still trying to get the OW to at least go for an ultrasound to see if the age of the fetus matches the dates of the A. She's done nothing but dance around the subject, and change stories. I almost feel bad for her, as my H has decided to "play" her as he feels she has been playing him and her boyfriend. He's told her he will go with her to the next doctor's appointment, and hold her hand if necessary. Both of us realize that if we are to get any answers quickly at all, this is the only way. Why does she have to play games? I keep thinking that she knows it's not my H's, but she hopes by stringing him along he'll come back to her, or develop feelings for the baby. I don't know. I keep telling myself that it's his, so that I can handle it if it is, or I can be elated if it's not. This really sucks.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 28th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for the pain that ev1 is going thru here.

Believe me it is an everyday struggle. But this is the place to vent your frustrations, fears, and pain.

I may appear to be a strong person for what I am doing, but believe me I have visuals everyday and for me to personally know the OW makes them stronger. I imagine that they were engaging in their activities when she lived with us back in "98 and I was out working for my family.

They both claim nothing was going on then, but hard to trust that when she had already had a son with my H and he moved her into our house because he felt sorry for her.

The OC are going back home on Sunday and I will miss them and I hate to send them back to their situation, but if I don't the OW will use it to her advantage. She already had the nerve to call my H and ask if we could keep OC until Tuesday. I have had them for 2 weeks.

My H told her that I am running the show and she needs to talk to me, of course she would not call me. Don't get shy now, you wasn't when your were screwing my H. She is such an ungrateful person, I guess I shouldn't expect any less. Everyday I look at my H and sometimes I feel like hurting him the way he hurt me, but I know I am not that kind of person. I just grin and bear it and wait for my blessings whenever they will come.

I would like to send support and strength to all of us going through this. I know that the kind words and support that I have received from ev1 here have really helped me to focus on what I need to do to get thru this nightmare and that I am doing the right thing by these OC.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 28th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugssss BMC)))

I can't leave this message board! I feel like I know all of you by the conversations that we've had and the advice and encouragement that I've gotten here. I was having a down day when I read all that and just felt defeated, I guess. I'm sorry for being such a big baby lol and from now on I will just ignore anything that bothers me at the time and maybe in a different state of mind I will be able to read whatever it may be and understand it differently. I've learned throughout this mess that I can't even trust my own thoughts about anything now because they change like Texas weather! One minute I am completely angry at the world, the next I'm crying and wanting to end it all and then in other moments I am content and life seems to be just fine. So in other words most days I feel like I should be in a mental institute haha. Thanks again for helping this deranged woman (ME!)


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 28th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all: what lovely messages of support posted here. My response yesterday, that I would leave this thread, was truly out of self protection. I do not ever wish to offend, even if I disagree with another's point of view. My hope is that we can all post respectfully and understand that we are each trying to make good choices in our own very individual circumstances.

Life is so difficult right now. Court was draining. The financials are horrifying. I also had a confrontation with my SIL regarding the entire mess. She actually said that I had hurt her feelings. How? B/c I did not do what she thought was right. I will never understand how one can justify cruelty in the name of what you believe is right for someone else. {That statement is made w/regards to my SIL, who has been utterly devastating to me and our COM b/c I did not choose to D.} If you have not walked in another's shoes, how can you know what is right for them?

BMC -- it is in our vulnerabilities and yes, even our perceived weakness, that our strength shines through. You are inspirational to me.

Wimsey -- best of luck on your trip. Create some beautiful memories. You are doing what is best for you and your H -- I wish only the best for you.

Redvixen -- the hardest part in the beginning is the waiting. There is no way to gauge how you will react if the child is your H's. I was numb. It all felt like a nightmare. Living and breathing a nightmare. Be careful with everything. Please advise your H not to sign anything or give any money to OW. We did the DNA testing outside of court; in retrospect, I think we should have done it in court. In our case it would have exposed some of the fraud right then and there, instead of H now trying to expose it after the fact.

Cghurt -- you might try going Federal. It works for the mother trying to gain CS; it might work for a father trying to provide for his child. If you have proof of monetary support and of the visitations, it could show that a relationship has been formed between your H and the child, as well as your COM. Just a thought, don't know if would work.

Maggieann -- slow down. Trust your gut. Do what is right for you. Many (((((hugs)))))).

To everyone here I send ((((hugs)))) and support. This path is so rocky; I hope we can continue to be there for one another.

Blessings.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
scorpio1
♀ Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 28th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is my thought that people don't understand a situation until they are in it themselves.

For those of you with contact, I applaud you. I did not want contact and chose to leave the M instead. No one can make that decision but me. I used to wonder how it would be - having the OC visit. A child that is only four months younger than my youngest child. Did I want to be stuck with another child to take care of? No way! I have three already, thank you very much.

I think that those that choose NC with the OC make a difficult decision also. Sometimes that decision is made because there are more people affected than just the OC. There are many kids put up for adoption everyday for a variety of reasons and you don't hear people complaining about that. Yet, if a man chooses to save his family, he is considered scum.

The thing is, whether a child is produced from an A or not, the man has no choice in that. It's easy to say that a man should not have sex if he doesn't want to deal with the consequences. But that holds true for a woman too.

I haven't posted on this board in a while but I do read and commiserate with what everyone is going through. I do not believe that an OC should affect the COM as I frequently see. They were there first and should not be superseded.


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 28th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is very shocking to hear that some would punish OC but they are willing to do whatever to keep their WH who FATHERED OC. I am most positive that these WH's slept with OW by CHOICE. So, YES. WH had a choice to make a baby with OW or not. By not engaging in an A with her, he could have avoided that.

I have to agree with this. Yes, it would be nice to lay all of the blame with the evil OW. But, the WS had the commitment to the marriage and HE was ultimately responsible for "spreading his seed." Ultimately when you have sex with someone, you are risking getting pregnant/getting someone pregnant.

Bottom line is it takes two. It's not all the OW's fault, even if she is evil. Short of the WS being raped, I don't buy the "poor WS and the evil OW stories." I think this is crap that caught WS's tell their wives to get the BS back on their good sides and to aviod taking responsiblity for their actions. It's just more blame shifting.

For me, it came down to face what he did every day, have it thrown in my face and find a way to deal with it without complaining and learn to love this child who was going to be in his life AND accept that I was once again going to be placed FAR down on his priority list.

It was that or get a divorce, and take a chance on a better life.

I rollled the dice and got out.

I know it's different for everyone and circumstances complicate everything. I didn't have children so I suppose it was easier for me. It should have been anyway.

The cheating, pain and the betrayal, the lies I'll never get over.

To those of you who are managing with this in your life, good luck to you. Try to remember that it's not a child's fault that he/she has idiots for parents. Maybe YOU can help make that better.

(((Hugs to all)))


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, July 29th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay started this whole post and lost it forever

I want to comment to Savory very first off in regards to your court date. I am so sorry it got prolonged yet another couple of months. I am truely hoping that the Judge also gives your husband credit for the extra money all that time.

As far as bringing her kids to court shows what type of person she is. There is no way I'd ever put my children in that posistion. She had them in the court room? I can't believe a judge allowed that. A big no no here. There is NC and she took a huge gamble that it would turn out much worse. That is just not something you gamble with your kids over. They had no buisness being there and to have the oc call xmm w/nc dada is just wrong.

Okay, as far as the poster who post to me I am sorry but I don't remember your name. Anyway...you have a right to your opinion. You have a right to be mad at the ow. I stand by my opinion about cs. It goes across the board no matter what the sitch. The same goes if a man has custody I feel the same that the woman pays. It started way before oc sitch and my mind has not changed. Yes I do feel that the system could be better though. But that goes both ways. Like is Savory sitch. I have a few friends dealing with the same. But I've also seen where it's the other way around and the father is living high on the hog and the cs payment would not even put a dent in his montly budget but got away with paying peanuts and the child was doing with out even basic needs with the mother working full time and a couple of jobs to support her kids.

I am very sorry you are here, but I truely hope that before you start making threats to any mother of her soon to be or children that there is a valid reasons for it. Not just to piss that person off. if you are a mother you know there is no greater protection than that a mother protecting her children. Then if you do choose contact because of those threats it will be even more tense in a already tense sitch. JMHO. I can understand why you would want to make her mad, that is normal. Just as a mother and how I'd react. These sitch's are not easy for any of us. They are all different and we all have to do what is best for us in the end.

As far as calling the child names hey 4 years ago I would have gone off on that. I truely hope that you do it here and not to her. If someone would call my oc that I'd have there head on a platter. I feel your anger but it's towards the ow and I hope your husband as well. The oc has done nothing to you NOTHING. I do know it's normal to feel this way about the child, I just hope you don't say it to xow or the oc.
I agree with whoever said it for the newbies that are here and the oc is not yet born. NC with the ow. NONE. Take this time to work on your marriage and forget (well as much as you can) the ow and possible oc. Now that does not mean not to prepare. But you've got several months to work on it and be more clear once the shyt hits the fan so to speak. It also will give ow some space to hopefuly get to a place that is more calm too, and get use to the idea that it is what it is. Kwim?

It's also IMHO that the xmm is ultimtly responsbile for any decission regarding oc. If he chooses NC for any reason or because he was told to do so, or whatever.....it's on him. We all have to live with what we decide to do. Do I agree with NC? Nope, but I can get it big time.
But Bw can say and do all she wants it's the mm who is the one who is responsbile for his actions. He did not get permission to cheat and did it kwim? I'm sorry for those kids too.

For the gal who husband lost in court for his rights...
I am so sorry. I agree it's a double standard and wrong. I would also go federal as Savory stated. I don't know much about that but I also know they have father's rights with special attorney's as well. I do believe that every child has a right to have a relationship and bond with there natural parents. I hope he fights this.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, July 29th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost forgot...Wimsey I know some parts maybe really hard but it sounds like such a fun trip.........have a great time and try to make new memories. Remember he's with you and your apart of all of his life now!

When you see oc and the winch remember it's her insecurties bringing this on. Your husband WANTS you apart of his oc's life to merge and bond together as it should be. You are doing great Wimsey!


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

marysway -- lovely post, thank you for the support. Hopefully, the OW won't bring the children to the next court date. She has also asked that H sign papers allowing her to get passports for the OC. I can't imagine why she needs passports for children so young, especially when she claims she makes so little money. Where is she gonna go? We have proof now that she quit her last job at the end of March -- been collecting huge amounts of daycare from H for 17 weeks even though she has no job!

I happen to agree with you, marysway, that NC had to be h's choice. If he had chosen C, we would have set up boundaries that would respect me, our M and the COM. I also believe that H should provide some kind of CS. But, as you said, not while throwing the COM under the bus financially. You are right -- the CS system is very flawed and there are many women who do not get what they should for their children. (And some men too.) Perhaps requiring people to show up with their financials from the very beginning would help.

I am so glad, marysway, that your DD has such a lovely parent. So many times, whether with OC or with COM and divorce, the children are emotionally thrown under the bus while the adults act like idiots b/c of their anger toward one another.

Blessings.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Savory Thank you for your lovely post.

Ya know I have twins from a previous marriage and after 6 six years of seperation I am finally divorced. It's been very very hard the last two years when xh moved in with his gf. No matter what the sitch unless all adults are adults and take there place in the sitch (and that also means so respect for each others roles) it can upheave the kids and that is just not fair. My kids care a lot for xh's gf but at the same time resent her for trying to be there mother. I appreciate the fact that she is good to my kids although I don't agree with everything thing she does with my kids, and have had to remind her that I am there mother and for her to continue to be there friend. So It's not just oc sitch's but it can as you stated all the way around. It's hard sometimes to be an adult and not do the petty things to "get back", but when you have kids you have to end of story!

AS far as the passport thing, it could just be a thing of well need some type of contact and here ya go. Kwim? But like you stated if she is so broke how can she afford to go out of the country. I personaly have not added xmm to oc's birth cirt. I should have done it when the order came in, but I have not been in a hurry to do so (2.5 years later). Two reasons I've not done it well 3. We are in NC. If an emergercy happens they will look for her father first to call. 2nd sometimes I just feel He does not deserve to be on it for not wanting to be in her life. and 3rd, right now I could probaly slide by getting a passport or other things without having to drag my court order with me anywhere showing I have all rights and don't have to get his permission. But I know she deserves to have that line filled in with her fathers name. I guess when she is older and is able to read I will take care of that. BAd me, I know........but it is what it is.

I would just sign it and be done with it if I were him and not even ask any questions about it.

Hang in there and I'm glad we can see each other's sitch and remember all are different sitch's and get a long I seriously know I made a mistake HUGE ONE but my person as a whole is so not what I am that brought that affair on.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh. I understand Marysway, my H has an Ex and a DD. We worked very hard to make the sitch amicable for all. In the beginning, even though his Ex liked me well enough, and appreciated that I loved her DD, it was difficult at times. I made plenty of "new" parent mistakes. I was ten yrs younger than her and had never had a child, so how could I know? But we persevered for the sake of my DSD and now H's ex and I are better friends than H and Ex are! Go figure. DSD is a lovely young woman, soon to graduate high school. We did not allow the "crap" that other people wanted to place on us (b/c she was an Ex and I was the "new" wife) to color how we would shape a life for their little girl. And when our COM were born, H's Ex was quite welcoming. We have a family, of which I/we (incl. our COM) consider H's Ex a part of. But it took a lot of work and remembering to be a grown up. You know, early on the Ex said it would be ok if DSD called me "mom". I disagreed. I felt that first and foremost I should not ever try to be that to her. I love her like my own, but she has a mom, and a very good one at that. Instead, I chose to be a friend, with a little bit of mothering thrown in. Result? DSD comes to me w/problems, talks to me about her bf and questions me about colleges. And Ex did not ever feel like I was "taking over". A long time ago I explained to DSD -- she is lucky b/c she has two very different but truly wonderful women in her life. Both of whom love her dearly. She liked that.

Sorry -- I digress. The passport issue seems like a non issue, but I hesitate. This OW rarely does anything w/o some ulterior motive behind it. I wonder if she has already forged H's signature on a passport app and is merely trying to cover her ass? She has forged his name on other docs, ya know? I wonder if she has other court battles and is getting ready to skip the country. There is alot of criminal activity in her life -- check kiting, etc. And I noticed that her brother is being indicted on fraud. So....I'm a little nervous.

As far as your DD's bc, well, I don't blame you. Not putting the dad's name on the bc doesn't make you a bad mom, just human.

You give me faith, marysway. Thanks. These are down days right now. I will hang in there. My goal is to walk through all of this with grace and dignity. One day, when I/we tell our COM, I want to be able to hold my head up and be proud of my actions. I want them to know that I did the very best I could in circumstances where no one wins.

Blessings.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awh Savory I had forgot about her forging your husband's name on everything. Yeah I ses where you are coming from. What are you and WS's feelings if she tries to move out of the country? I mean how on earth can she collect CS if she is running? You guys are also pressing charges on that correct or am I confussed? If her brother is in trouble too it sounds like the family runs together if you know what I mean. Those poor kids don't deserve to be on the run if that is her intentions.

Yes, sometimes it is hard making adjustments when starting new lives. I actually was happy for my husband when he (well I asked him he does not give out information freely) if he was dating this lady. She use to be our landlord. My xh is older than he is and needs someone older who can relate to him and just accept the life he is capable of giving to someone kwim? She is older than him and she was always great with my kids. Her daughter use to babysit our kids. Small world uh?

Since he moved in with her he took me to court to take my kids away from me, his gf has dictated every move he makes. Well the judge told him in different words of course but none of the less asked him if he was on crack....and no the kids were not going anywhere. His gf has grand kids so I have no idea why she would want my kids fulltime. I know she and he hate paying cs and I am getting a settlement soon which his attorney included in his paperwork so I could afford to pay cs if he took them..... But I would be happier if she left the disaplining up to my xh and gave them some time alone together....but again it is what it is.

Keep us posted Savory on this court thing. Any word yet on a job for your husband? I hope it gets better much sooner than later.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We haven't been able to get anyone to prosecute. Don't know if she intends to run -- but I believe she is hiding money overseas. As far as collecting CS -- I imagine she could have anyone p/u the checks and send them to her.

Sorry about the mess with the ex and new person in his life. Really it is better for the kids, imho, and from experience, that the stepm/stepd should step back from the discipline. Pretty sure that is what the experts say too.

Before we went to court in July we sent H's employer a rebuttal letter to the 30 day letter they had sent him. It refuted every point they tried to make. And we have documentation. Now they seem to be scrambling. Also, the other managers and employees caught wind of it (not from H) and have sent a petition to the head honchos complaining. If they move forward we have decided to take legal action. So right now we are in limbo. I am still looking for a job, but there aren't many that pay enough -- I have to put the kids in daycare.

I wish it would get better, for all of us.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
hurtntoomuch
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Member # 8163
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think about this scenario. What if a MW has an A with a man. She becomes pregnant but decides it is not in her and her family's best interest to keep the baby, so she decides to give it up for adoption. The AP decides he wants the child and takes custody. How would the MW like it if the AP comes after her some day for CS? Just a thought. Would a judge see this situation as the same as so many of our H are in? Would he make MW pay CS to her AP and have her family suffer financially like most of ours are?

Posts: 45 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Massachusetts
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

probably not. and you make a good point. if the mww decided to give child up for adoption, the father couldn't really go after her for cs, could he?



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually yes and yes. The OP can not stop her from aborting but yes he could take full custody and get CS from the mw. When an adoption is done the father has to sign off as well and the adoption won't be legal or go through if the bio father does not sign off. As well, if the OP gets custody for any reason the MW does have a legal obligation to pay CS. Rightfully so. It is only fair that any parent who does not have custody of there bio children help pay support. Regardless if they wanted that child or not. I've run into several Bw's that have actually gotten custody (well there husband's) of oc due to xow bad habits and yeap they all have to pay cs.

Over on another site there was a case where the OP was sharing custody with the xmm. She wanted to move for a better paying job out of state and they (the xmm and bw) to court to gain custody of the oc since she was moving. Xmm got custody of the oc. The xmm was paying some crazy amount of cs like under 200.00 (which ow and xmm made the same amount of money) but they were able to get over a 1000.00 a month in cs. So YES it has happened.

Savory I hear ya on the daycare expeneses. If you go to work to pay daycare you are defeating your purpose to make extra money. Plus it costs money to work. Clothes, more gas and daycare etc. I get what your saying. I hope that your husband gets to keep his job. I don't remember all the details of his job but xow was somehow involved? Or is that someone else?

[This message edited by marysway at 3:33 PM, July 30th (Monday)]


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You give me faith, marysway. Thanks. These are down days right now. I will hang in there. My goal is to walk through all of this with grace and dignity. One day, when I/we tell our COM, I want to be able to hold my head up and be proud of my actions. I want them to know that I did the very best I could in circumstances where no one wins."

Hear, hear!! That's my goal as well--though I'd prefer they never know this about their dad, partly cuz of their R with him which will be forever damaged, and partly cuz of my own pride-don't want them feeling sorry for me or feeling they need to support me against him, or whatever. They are adults now, and the thought of them knowing, as they will have to someday soon, just kills both of us. I still have the fantasy that OW will meet someone who will adopt OC and love him and be his father 24/7 for the child's sake-- Still haven't worked out when and how to tell them--

OW has issues with this topic as well--she feels that the fact that H hasn't been more public about the OC, both with work colleagues and with our family, is disrespectful to OC and means we're ashamed of him. I don't think we're exactly ashamed of HIM, but I for one am ashamed of how he came to be--that's a difference that's clear to me, but what's not so clear is how to tell my COM without the shame seeming like it's about him. Not very clear am I. It's a muddle that hangs over us and kills us both--but it hasn't interfered with H's enjoying the visits he had with him alone or the one we had with OC together.

No good answers to this for me, but it helps to write it out somewhat.


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