On a different note, I have a Q for those who chose NC with the OC. Did you ever wonder if H is capable of NC with OC, he may be capable of abandoning COM? It sounds dramatic, but that's the only way I can explain it. Before the birth of OC, H was adament about being a part of the OC's life. Now he has chosen NC, and I can't help but think how cold of a person H is to turn his back on his own blood. It does take away alot of problems out of our life, but this is so unexpected that I'm a bit confused at his decision. Can anyone related to this?
OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07
I am almost 3 weeks post dday and I am in pain. A lot of pain over my situation. In my previous M, WH fathered a child with OW. There are 2 options. You stay with your H which means acceptance of OC or you leave your H and you don't have to deal with OC.
It is very shocking to hear that some would punish OC but they are willing to do whatever to keep their WH who FATHERED OC. I am most positive that these WH's slept with OW by CHOICE. So, YES. WH had a choice to make a baby with OW or not. By not engaging in an A with her, he could have avoided that.
How could one be so cruel to an innocent child as to call them bastards and say they don't deserve their father? Yet the COM do deserve their father?? Did the COM ask to be born? No. Did the OC ask to be born? No.
ExH is no in an R with OW so I don't have to worry about my children going to her house. But I would never deny my children a relationship with their sister!
AND, prefaced by saying I didn't want to offend or trigger anyone. Just wanted to make my opinion known.
The pain of an A is like someone repeatly stabbing you, dealing with or seeing the OC involved is like someone keeping that wound open, if you let it.
Everyone has the right to feel how they want to about their own situation. Do I wish my H OC didn't exist? As cruel as it sounds, yes, it reminds me that I was lied to and deceived for 10 yrs. of my marriage. That my H betrayed me with someone lower than the dirt on my shoe and had poor innocent children with a crack addict who doesn't take care of their basic needs. But OC did not do the wrongdoing. They are innocent and did not ask to be born.
Unless your WS was raped, they made a decision to engage in behavior that had consequences that would affect their whole family. It is sad that we have to pay for the sins of those close to us. It is easy to blame the OW for everything, I know I did, but the fact is they did not act alone in the behavior.
It is how I said before, some of us can make the OC a part of our family and some of us want NC. We have to do what is right for us and COM. My COM are a little older so I include them in my decisions about OC.
I have had the OC over my house going on 2 weeks now. I know that what I am doing for them will be given to me ten fold. They are being fed, washed, and can go outside and play, something they don't get at home. I went through my anger stages, sending text messages to OW and legal notices, but all it did was make me sicker and caused her to have more contact with my H so I stopped. The stress that has been lifted is overwhelming.
I took control of my life and my marriage and I took the control away from her. I hate the OW with a passion, but I had to seperate my feelings for her and for OC. No reason for secret contact. Do I still check on my H? Believe it I do! Everyday is a struggle of emotions, I still look at him and can't believe he did this.
Sometimes I wonder if loving someone is worth all the baggage that I am now dealing with. I have decided that it is for me.
This is the place to vent your anger and frustration and anything else you are going thru. That way you don't take it out on your WS if you are trying to repair your marriage and you have an outlet to try to keep the pain away from your own kids.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:52 AM, July 25th (Wednesday)]
My state is the same. In that, if a woman bears a child while married, it is her husband's child - period. OW's H would have to give up his parenting rights. Most judges would see her H being the father as "best interest of the child".
Speaking as someone who has been dealing with this situation for almost a year, someone who is dealing with an OW who is a narcissist, criminal, forger and out and out liar -- perhaps even a psychopath --- I feel I must respond.
Not all situations are as simple as you make it sound. And no,imho, the WH did not choose to have an OC, he chose to have an A of which the consequences are the OC. The choice to continue a pg was the OW's to make -- she also had the right to make a different one. OW knew that H was M when she slept with him. When she decided to keep the OC. Being a sperm donor does not make someone a father. If women are to be truly equal, with the right to choose about pg, we must also address this type of situation. To give the female a right to choose and not give it to the male is unjust. It is however a woman's body and, let's face it, in most cases the woman does do the majority of the child rearing. But the inequity still exists. A man can use protection and the woman can get around it and get pg on the sly. To make a sweeping statement that the man chose to sleep with the woman therefore he chose to father a child does not make sense.
From my perspective, I do not ever wish to "punish" the OC. They are innocent. Of course they deserve a father. The decision for them to possibly not have a father in their lives was made by the OW when she chose to continue the pgs. As far as the COM -- knowledge of the OC would destroy my 9 year old. He knows right and wrong, however, he doesn't have the maturity to comprehend the existence of the OC and the choices his father and this stranger, the OW, made. When it comes right down to it -- I am his mother and as such will protect him. As every mother should. This decision was agonizing. As a caring human being who has worked with children and knows the ramifications of no father in a child's life, the guilt I have felt is enormous. But as our COM's mother, I must do what is best for them. Just as the OW should do what is best for her children. How can the OW have been so cruel as to bring not one, but two children into the world, knowing that they might not have a father in their lives? How could the OW have been so cruel as to attempt to manipulate the situation by bringing the OC to court to create a scene? Set up her own children to be rejected or to have to disappoint their mother? How can you be so cruel as to suggest that our COM have no rights and shouldn't be protected from a woman such as this? That my only decision was to accept the OC and remain married or to divorce my H and live with NC? My WH made a horrible mistake. Believe me, he is paying for it as are our COM. The CS system completely ignores the COM financially. As it stands right now our COM are living in poverty while the OW and the OC have a nanny and live in an expensive home with all kinds of extras. I cannot believe that H's horrible mistake deserves this kind of punishment. Not when women have the right to choose, are free thinking and able to make it in this world. We don't live in the 18th century -- where women had no rights and no way to make a living.
Does that mean the OC shouldn't be financially supported by the H? No. He did the crime, he should pay. Does that mean the COM are thrown under the bus financially? No. They didn't do the crime. The CS laws need to be adjusted to deal with this type of situation so that is more equitable financially.
Our COM were indeed planned. They were loved and wanted by BOTH of us. Choosing NC was the best decision in our case. It was best for the COM and the OC. The OC in our case were brought into this world for the OW to use and manipulate my H, the system and even OW's own parents. C with them would give the OW more opportunity to attempt to manipulate them as well as opportunity to try to use our COM.
I respect the decision to have C with the OC. BMC is a beautiful example of it. Marysway is an example of an OW who is trying to do what is best for her OC and herself. Please, remember that their situations are unique, just as mine is. The pain of all of this is so very difficult to bear -- I try to remind myself that we are all in our own process of healing, of thinking and of deciding which way our lives should go with this knowledge.
Good luck to you, m_pep, as you continue your journey. I hope you find peace.
Personally we are trying to have contact, the OW is neurotic and insulting towards ME, and it's difficult to manage all the emotions all this brings up as well. But I try very hard to separate OC from OW in my mind, and also consider him an innocent consequence of selfish choices made by his parents.
The ages of the COM also must make a difference--I don't know your story, but it sounds like you didn't have to deal with explaining an OC to your children--or face seeing them suffer financially or emotionally because of the OC--that also makes a difference. Read some of the stories here and you will see it's not always black and white.
Welcome to you, terrible place to be but all the forums can offer support in different ways.
the whole situation is very hard to deal with. that he is going to have his first baby with someone else, that if we do stay together this woman will be part of our lives forever. we're not married and we don't have kids. am i getting in way over my head? i do love him and i feel like we could really make it work.
I've come to believe it's all about how much you love each other and it can't be one-sided, both people have to be equally invested into the relationship or you might as well cut your losses and try again. Just keep your chin up and do what is right for you. :)
My children are 7 and 9. When their father revealed the paternity results to me, they were 1 and 3. At the time, no, they weren't told. Within the year though, they were told that they had a sister. Yes, they were confused as to how they could have a sister and mommy didn't have a baby. It doesn't lessen the fact though, that this is their blood. Their sibling. Rather I like it or not.
Guess what? She filed for CS first. She was getting nearly $700/month and by the time we separated, I am getting under $400 for 2 kids. So, yeah, my COM suffered financially.
I blamed WH. I didn't blame OW as she was not a member of my marriage. She had a choice to keep the OC, abort, or give the OC up for adoption. MY WH had a choice to NOT engage in an EMA. To NOT have sex with OW. To use a condom with OW.
You say my post sounds judgemental, well yours does also. Don't call me out because my post doesn't agree with the general flow of things on the board.
Whether COM were planned or not, it doesn't change the fact that children are children. A H and W make a choice to bring a child into the world, not the child. Same is the case with the OC.
If you do not want to deal with the constant reminder of the A (as I agree, I couldn't do it myself) YOU have a CHOICE to end the M. Then you don't have to worry about protecting your children from the OW. You have no connection to the OW.
Then you do not have to be subjected to the OW harassing you, acting crazy, etc, etc, etc, etc. My daughter and the OC are 7 months apart. So now they are 8 and 9. I've dealt with this for 6 years. So I'm aware of the issues surrounding a child conceived outside of the M.
The decision for the OC to not have a father is made by one person - the Man that fathered that child. Fatherhood isn't an option. That is the problem with society today. Men have the mindset that if they don't/didn't want this kid, they can walk away.
We are all in our own process of healing, of thinking and of deciding how to live with the A and its consequences. Good luck to you, and to everyone else here in finding peace. May you walk down your road with grace and dignity.
Well now here comes the hard part. The OW's husband has put his foot down and does not want my H to have anything else to do with his dauthter and the OW's H has threatened to leave her if she allows my H to see her. And you may think this is crazy, it's actually a law in Florida. If the OC was born into a marriage the husband is automatically presumed to be the legal father. We are now in a big legal battle to try to get visitation. My husband is a great person and father. He wants to support his child and pay child support but just becuase she is married he has not rights.
Many of our friends have different views on this issue. The women say he is doing the right thing while many men tell him to walk away to avoid paying child support. I don't understand how the state can dictate this law that prevents the biological father from being a part of his daughters life regardless of the OW's marital situation.
This is just my opinion and if others would handle the situation differently I am sure you have your reasons. Fathers have no rights and regardless of the fact my husband had an affair, that's in the past. The OW should be punished just as much as my H however he is the only one suffering in this situation.
I love my husband more for taking responsibility and wanting a life with his daughter.