Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
ABCSJ
♀ New Member
Member # 15201
Flame  Posted: 12:58 AM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Marysway)))
I have a few things I want to say about OW. I dont think that if the OW decides to keep the child that the man should have to pay CS. He wasnt given the right to abort or the right to give the child up for adoption so he shouldnt be saddled with CS which only ends up hurting the family that are the real victims even more. If a woman can choose to kill her unborn child why cant the man. If the woman can choose adoption why cant the man. I dont think any of these munipulative OW should get a cent to raise their bastards. And I certainly dont think that the wife and child or children of the marriage should have to suffer for it. Our paternity test is taken and we are waiting for results here but I plan to tell the little B*tch that if she wants CS then we are suing for 50/50% custody of her little momma's boy and we will see how she feels about CS at that point. That we will tell the child the truth about his momma and if she wants to order a court paternity test that she should think about that really hard. Sorry I just needed to vent....the waiting game we are having to play is killing me. I dont even know for sure if she has used her half of the test yet or sent it in. I feel so f*cking helpless in all of this. H is as sorry as can be and doesnt want any contact with OW or OC if it can be helped. He hasnt seen her in 8 years.


Me - 29
Him - 30
Kids - 12, 10, 4
OC - 8
OW - 31
D-Day - June 24th, 2007
R - July 2007

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2007
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ABC, I kinda agree with your idea that CS shouldn't have to be paid if it was the sole decision of the OW to give birth. In our situation, OW decided she was going to have the baby with or without my H's support. Now 3 weeks after birth, she is calling non-stop asking for $.

On a different note, I have a Q for those who chose NC with the OC. Did you ever wonder if H is capable of NC with OC, he may be capable of abandoning COM? It sounds dramatic, but that's the only way I can explain it. Before the birth of OC, H was adament about being a part of the OC's life. Now he has chosen NC, and I can't help but think how cold of a person H is to turn his back on his own blood. It does take away alot of problems out of our life, but this is so unexpected that I'm a bit confused at his decision. Can anyone related to this?


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
m_pep
New Member
Member # 15396
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All. I am new here. I don't want to trigger/offend anyone but I cannot believe some of the posts here.

I am almost 3 weeks post dday and I am in pain. A lot of pain over my situation. In my previous M, WH fathered a child with OW. There are 2 options. You stay with your H which means acceptance of OC or you leave your H and you don't have to deal with OC.

It is very shocking to hear that some would punish OC but they are willing to do whatever to keep their WH who FATHERED OC. I am most positive that these WH's slept with OW by CHOICE. So, YES. WH had a choice to make a baby with OW or not. By not engaging in an A with her, he could have avoided that.

How could one be so cruel to an innocent child as to call them bastards and say they don't deserve their father? Yet the COM do deserve their father?? Did the COM ask to be born? No. Did the OC ask to be born? No.

ExH is no in an R with OW so I don't have to worry about my children going to her house. But I would never deny my children a relationship with their sister!


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2007
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think everyone is entitled to their feelings. With a situation as painful and confusing as infidelity you go through such a range of emotions that it's dizzying sometimes and you have to work through them one at a time introducing the situation of OC makes a bad situation even worse so those emotions are intensified even more. No one can bash any woman posting on here for their feelings...this is supposed to be a place to spill those frustrations out and try and make sense of them. Sorry if I am out of line here but I felt someone had to stand up for the feelings of all the confused women and men that post here in search of help and understanding.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
m_pep
New Member
Member # 15396
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not bashing anyone! As you stated, EVERYONE is entitled to their feelings/opinions (which means I am also). There are 9 pages on this thread. I did not call anyone out. I did not quote anyone's post. I stated MY opinion.

AND, prefaced by saying I didn't want to offend or trigger anyone. Just wanted to make my opinion known.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2007
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As someone now dealing with 3 OC and 10 yrs. of betrayal I really want to speak to this.

The pain of an A is like someone repeatly stabbing you, dealing with or seeing the OC involved is like someone keeping that wound open, if you let it.

Everyone has the right to feel how they want to about their own situation. Do I wish my H OC didn't exist? As cruel as it sounds, yes, it reminds me that I was lied to and deceived for 10 yrs. of my marriage. That my H betrayed me with someone lower than the dirt on my shoe and had poor innocent children with a crack addict who doesn't take care of their basic needs. But OC did not do the wrongdoing. They are innocent and did not ask to be born.

Unless your WS was raped, they made a decision to engage in behavior that had consequences that would affect their whole family. It is sad that we have to pay for the sins of those close to us. It is easy to blame the OW for everything, I know I did, but the fact is they did not act alone in the behavior.

It is how I said before, some of us can make the OC a part of our family and some of us want NC. We have to do what is right for us and COM. My COM are a little older so I include them in my decisions about OC.

I have had the OC over my house going on 2 weeks now. I know that what I am doing for them will be given to me ten fold. They are being fed, washed, and can go outside and play, something they don't get at home. I went through my anger stages, sending text messages to OW and legal notices, but all it did was make me sicker and caused her to have more contact with my H so I stopped. The stress that has been lifted is overwhelming.

I took control of my life and my marriage and I took the control away from her. I hate the OW with a passion, but I had to seperate my feelings for her and for OC. No reason for secret contact. Do I still check on my H? Believe it I do! Everyday is a struggle of emotions, I still look at him and can't believe he did this.

Sometimes I wonder if loving someone is worth all the baggage that I am now dealing with. I have decided that it is for me.

This is the place to vent your anger and frustration and anything else you are going thru. That way you don't take it out on your WS if you are trying to repair your marriage and you have an outlet to try to keep the pain away from your own kids.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:52 AM, July 25th (Wednesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
m_pep
New Member
Member # 15396
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you BMC, your post is very honest and respectful.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2007
cghurt
♀ New Member
Member # 12503
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some advice/help with a situation I am dealing with. I haven't been on here in a while. My husband fathered a child with a married woman. We did a personal paternity test after the baby was born and have now filed for a court ordered paternity test which was denied by the courts. In the State of Florida if the woman was married at the time the baby was born, the husband is presumed to be the father of the child and my husband has not rights to this child. I understand what he did was wrong but this is his child. The mother allowed him to have a relationship with the child since she was two months old (she is now 10 months old) I have dealt with the situation and am supportive of his decision to want to be a father to his child. This woman allowed not only my family and children but also my husbands parents and brothers to develope a relationship with her as well. And not just because she feels like it she can deny this right to him. We provided support and purchased many items for the child. Have any of you dealt with this or have any advice. The OW will not talk to us any more and will not answer our calls. I know that sounds like a blessing to me not to have the OW involved in my life but right now my husband is hurting so much over this. I know it's partly his fault but he still doesn't deserve this. No father deserves to be told he can't have a relationship with his child. Thanks for any advice or support

Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: florida
m_pep
New Member
Member # 15396
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cghurt:

My state is the same. In that, if a woman bears a child while married, it is her husband's child - period. OW's H would have to give up his parenting rights. Most judges would see her H being the father as "best interest of the child".


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m_pep -- I don't know your story. And, from what I have read, you seem to be fairly new to all of this. I'm glad that you found SI -- a safe place where everyone is able to vent, ask questions and hopefully find some peace. Your post, although prefaced with the disclaimer "I don't want to trigger/offend anyone but...", comes across as judgemental. Perhaps that wasn't your intention -- I don't know, frankly it doesn't matter. But I want to address your black and white view of the world.

Speaking as someone who has been dealing with this situation for almost a year, someone who is dealing with an OW who is a narcissist, criminal, forger and out and out liar -- perhaps even a psychopath --- I feel I must respond.

Not all situations are as simple as you make it sound. And no,imho, the WH did not choose to have an OC, he chose to have an A of which the consequences are the OC. The choice to continue a pg was the OW's to make -- she also had the right to make a different one. OW knew that H was M when she slept with him. When she decided to keep the OC. Being a sperm donor does not make someone a father. If women are to be truly equal, with the right to choose about pg, we must also address this type of situation. To give the female a right to choose and not give it to the male is unjust. It is however a woman's body and, let's face it, in most cases the woman does do the majority of the child rearing. But the inequity still exists. A man can use protection and the woman can get around it and get pg on the sly. To make a sweeping statement that the man chose to sleep with the woman therefore he chose to father a child does not make sense.

From my perspective, I do not ever wish to "punish" the OC. They are innocent. Of course they deserve a father. The decision for them to possibly not have a father in their lives was made by the OW when she chose to continue the pgs. As far as the COM -- knowledge of the OC would destroy my 9 year old. He knows right and wrong, however, he doesn't have the maturity to comprehend the existence of the OC and the choices his father and this stranger, the OW, made. When it comes right down to it -- I am his mother and as such will protect him. As every mother should. This decision was agonizing. As a caring human being who has worked with children and knows the ramifications of no father in a child's life, the guilt I have felt is enormous. But as our COM's mother, I must do what is best for them. Just as the OW should do what is best for her children. How can the OW have been so cruel as to bring not one, but two children into the world, knowing that they might not have a father in their lives? How could the OW have been so cruel as to attempt to manipulate the situation by bringing the OC to court to create a scene? Set up her own children to be rejected or to have to disappoint their mother? How can you be so cruel as to suggest that our COM have no rights and shouldn't be protected from a woman such as this? That my only decision was to accept the OC and remain married or to divorce my H and live with NC? My WH made a horrible mistake. Believe me, he is paying for it as are our COM. The CS system completely ignores the COM financially. As it stands right now our COM are living in poverty while the OW and the OC have a nanny and live in an expensive home with all kinds of extras. I cannot believe that H's horrible mistake deserves this kind of punishment. Not when women have the right to choose, are free thinking and able to make it in this world. We don't live in the 18th century -- where women had no rights and no way to make a living.

Does that mean the OC shouldn't be financially supported by the H? No. He did the crime, he should pay. Does that mean the COM are thrown under the bus financially? No. They didn't do the crime. The CS laws need to be adjusted to deal with this type of situation so that is more equitable financially.

Our COM were indeed planned. They were loved and wanted by BOTH of us. Choosing NC was the best decision in our case. It was best for the COM and the OC. The OC in our case were brought into this world for the OW to use and manipulate my H, the system and even OW's own parents. C with them would give the OW more opportunity to attempt to manipulate them as well as opportunity to try to use our COM.

I respect the decision to have C with the OC. BMC is a beautiful example of it. Marysway is an example of an OW who is trying to do what is best for her OC and herself. Please, remember that their situations are unique, just as mine is. The pain of all of this is so very difficult to bear -- I try to remind myself that we are all in our own process of healing, of thinking and of deciding which way our lives should go with this knowledge.

Good luck to you, m_pep, as you continue your journey. I hope you find peace.

Blessings.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much of the agonizing and venting about OC on this thread has to do with the individual situations we each face, and the NC/C decisions we've made. All of us face the fact that an OC is forever, always there as a reminder of the A whether it's contact with OC or paying out CS monthly--and that just triggers up so much.

Personally we are trying to have contact, the OW is neurotic and insulting towards ME, and it's difficult to manage all the emotions all this brings up as well. But I try very hard to separate OC from OW in my mind, and also consider him an innocent consequence of selfish choices made by his parents.

The ages of the COM also must make a difference--I don't know your story, but it sounds like you didn't have to deal with explaining an OC to your children--or face seeing them suffer financially or emotionally because of the OC--that also makes a difference. Read some of the stories here and you will see it's not always black and white.

Welcome to you, terrible place to be but all the forums can offer support in different ways.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, July 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWS (boyfriend) and I are in the beginning stages of R. Nothing's sure yet but we're spending time together and things have been really good so far. However, the girl he was with while we were broken up (started as ONS but she got pregnant then miscarried) is pregnant again and is intent on having the baby, despite already having three other kids, no job and being on all kinds of government assistance. she says it's his. he'll be getting a paternity test but that's many months away.

the whole situation is very hard to deal with. that he is going to have his first baby with someone else, that if we do stay together this woman will be part of our lives forever. we're not married and we don't have kids. am i getting in way over my head? i do love him and i feel like we could really make it work.


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2006
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maggieann- is your bf remorseful for what he did to you? Does he still have contact with the OW or do you know?

I've come to believe it's all about how much you love each other and it can't be one-sided, both people have to be equally invested into the relationship or you might as well cut your losses and try again. Just keep your chin up and do what is right for you. :)


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
m_pep
New Member
Member # 15396
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I don't have a lot of time to respond today, as we are scheduled to catch a flight soon.

My children are 7 and 9. When their father revealed the paternity results to me, they were 1 and 3. At the time, no, they weren't told. Within the year though, they were told that they had a sister. Yes, they were confused as to how they could have a sister and mommy didn't have a baby. It doesn't lessen the fact though, that this is their blood. Their sibling. Rather I like it or not.

Guess what? She filed for CS first. She was getting nearly $700/month and by the time we separated, I am getting under $400 for 2 kids. So, yeah, my COM suffered financially.

I blamed WH. I didn't blame OW as she was not a member of my marriage. She had a choice to keep the OC, abort, or give the OC up for adoption. MY WH had a choice to NOT engage in an EMA. To NOT have sex with OW. To use a condom with OW.

You say my post sounds judgemental, well yours does also. Don't call me out because my post doesn't agree with the general flow of things on the board.

Whether COM were planned or not, it doesn't change the fact that children are children. A H and W make a choice to bring a child into the world, not the child. Same is the case with the OC.

If you do not want to deal with the constant reminder of the A (as I agree, I couldn't do it myself) YOU have a CHOICE to end the M. Then you don't have to worry about protecting your children from the OW. You have no connection to the OW.

Then you do not have to be subjected to the OW harassing you, acting crazy, etc, etc, etc, etc. My daughter and the OC are 7 months apart. So now they are 8 and 9. I've dealt with this for 6 years. So I'm aware of the issues surrounding a child conceived outside of the M.

The decision for the OC to not have a father is made by one person - the Man that fathered that child. Fatherhood isn't an option. That is the problem with society today. Men have the mindset that if they don't/didn't want this kid, they can walk away.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2007
Sodown
♀ Member
Member # 2477
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is a very hard thing to do when you are M and find out your H fathered a OC with OW. It is really up to both the H and wife to decide what they can live with as far as the OC is concerned. I don't see anything wrong with a wife living with visitation and cs and I see nothing wrong with a wife not wanting any contact whatsoever between her FWH and the OC too if they are to decide to work things out with one another. A affair alone is enough to drive a sane person way over the edge. How much more so if there is OC and OW to contend with? All individual imo.


A dog will not tell you he has fleas but you can tell by the way he scratches. Graham Willets (Thanks to Treharris Mid Glamorgan)

Posts: 4797 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: anywhere but here...
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the one message board that I felt so safe posting on because everyone was nice and we all dealt with things together without hostility but suddenly I feel not so safe about posting. I think I'll trip on over to a different board...thanks to everyone that gave me advice and helped me through some difficult times.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
ABCSJ
♀ New Member
Member # 15201
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<m_pep>
I have just one more thing to add and I too think I will run on over to another message board. When a woman gives a child up for adoption everyone is oohhh what a big sacrifice that must be so hard for you poor dear. When a man wants to do the same he is thought of as an Asshole. Talk about a double standard. My husband wanted there to be two parents for this OC he just didnt want to be one of them. He hoped from the start that the OW would get married and move on. She didnt and as of yesterday has started threatening us with a pending lawyer visit as soon as the paternity tests are back if they are possitive. She did not have to choose to keep this child and in deciding to do this on her own should have to deal with it on her own financially too. Now my COM will have alot less because she can get CS and Im sorry a 12 year old girl takes more money than an 8 year old boy. Will the courts see it that way? No of course not and because we are in the military she can even have my husband sent to jail for abandonment and he will lose his rank and everything. So when you say think about the OC im sorry I just cant do that right now.


Me - 29
Him - 30
Kids - 12, 10, 4
OC - 8
OW - 31
D-Day - June 24th, 2007
R - July 2007

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2007
clv40
♀ Member
Member # 14409
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish no one would love the forum and just continue to vent here. We have always been supportive of each other, whether we agree with each other's views, and we can continue to help each other. A's and OC's are devastating and there is no right or wrong way to view things. There are different ways for each of us to handle the situation. And that does not make us bad people.

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Florida
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm stepping out too. This forum was very supportive -- with different viewpoints, disagreements, yes, but respect for one another. I'm sorry, m_pep, if you feel judged. That certainly wasn't the intention. When you post such black and white, angry views -- it is only natural that others would respond with different perspectives. I very much disagree with much that you state in your posts. But I do respect your right to your own point of view. I will miss posting in this thread -- but my own situation is too painful to subject myself to your disrespect of my views, and of my need, as well as others' need to vent.

We are all in our own process of healing, of thinking and of deciding how to live with the A and its consequences. Good luck to you, and to everyone else here in finding peace. May you walk down your road with grace and dignity.

Blessings.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
cghurt
♀ New Member
Member # 12503
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For what it's worth I just wajnted to give my opinion to the situation of another child born as a result of an affair. Me and my husband are going through the same thing. My husband fathered a child who will be one year old in August. The mother of the child is married however she allowed him to be a father to this child for the past ten months and bond with her. My children have also bonded with her as their sister. My children are 14 and 11 so they basically understand how she is their sister when I'm not her mother. My husband made the decision to be a part of his daughters life and I respect that decision. My options were either to accept it or leave. I decided to stay and support my husband. It was hard at first but I can honestly say that I love his daughter just as if she was my own.

Well now here comes the hard part. The OW's husband has put his foot down and does not want my H to have anything else to do with his dauthter and the OW's H has threatened to leave her if she allows my H to see her. And you may think this is crazy, it's actually a law in Florida. If the OC was born into a marriage the husband is automatically presumed to be the legal father. We are now in a big legal battle to try to get visitation. My husband is a great person and father. He wants to support his child and pay child support but just becuase she is married he has not rights.

Many of our friends have different views on this issue. The women say he is doing the right thing while many men tell him to walk away to avoid paying child support. I don't understand how the state can dictate this law that prevents the biological father from being a part of his daughters life regardless of the OW's marital situation.

This is just my opinion and if others would handle the situation differently I am sure you have your reasons. Fathers have no rights and regardless of the fact my husband had an affair, that's in the past. The OW should be punished just as much as my H however he is the only one suffering in this situation.

I love my husband more for taking responsibility and wanting a life with his daughter.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: florida
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.