I am sending you my thoughts and prayers and hope that everything goes your way.
Just a few suggestions, I have been to child related court cases with my sister several times. My experience has been that judges like facts and not emotion.
Make sure you and your H have your facts and paperwork in order. Make sure you can prove what you are saying. I know it will be hard, but try to keep your emotions in check, if someone is going to get crazy or start crying let it be her. Go in there with your head high and with as much confidence as your can.
Your H may be the only one allowed to speak on your side so be prepared that the judge might not want to listen to you. I hope all goes well and let us know.
Once you are out of the courthouse, let your emotions go if you have to.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:08 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]
The very last time we went to court OW was lying as usual. I stood up and called her a liar. The judge said if i said anything else I would be held for contempt.
I will try hard to hold my head high and remember that my friends at SI are with me in spirit.
Thank you -- I will post when I can.
OW was on welfare for about 1 year or so and finally just got a job. She got a job w/her mom driving the city bus, but at least she has a job. When she 1st got the job she did not have child care yet so OC was over almost every day for nearly 5 weeks while she was looking for daycare...that irked me but whatever...she needed the help. OC is now in daycare and of course we were ready and willing to help pay our half for day care, even if that meant 400-500/month..but OW couldn't afford her half so she needed to find a place that would qualify her for low income. So she did find a place and its $25/month.
Of course controversy is always inevitable. This was an empowering win for us..and maybe more importantly for me. I know that you ladies will appreciate this:
so friday afternoon we get a text from OW "i need 2 know if someone can watch OC either sat or sun my work has me schedule 4 both days, let me know asap so i can let them know whether or not i have to call off" H was driving so he asked me to text her back..."OW, we gave u advance notices as to when we are able to take OC..you cant call on me every time you are scheduled work b/c we make plans...if u must find daycare 4 yur weekends due to work, we are open to sharing the cost with you so that you can work..." that must have pissed her off b/c this is what she responded: "sharing cost 4 daycare, are you kidding me!! u already got off not having 2 pay for daycare, i think it might be a good idea that we go back 2 court and get something in writing about when you have your son. i'm getting tired of this, everything cant be at your convienience"
sooo...as i've always said about my H...she shouldn't push him b/c he wuld put her in her place in a second, so this was our response "OW,...YOU got off easy b/c i choose not to be a deadbeat dad and we choose to spend time with OC. i could choose 2 not see OC at all and just send you a check if that is what you want. it was YOUR choice. take me to court if you want...its up to you, i am fine with just sending a check"
Of course she didn't text back put called immediately. H told her that we gave her far advance notice as to what the schedule was for the month of July. She said she didn't write it down, and he told her that was not our problem that she didn't remember. We keep a calendar...and "my wife makes sure we have a schedule and makes sure that i give you advance notice. Then she says, "I don't have a calender" and my H said well we can give you one...they she response..."i dont want your calendar!" It was quite the conversation. He basically told her that ultimately OC is her responsibility what did she really expect...of course she didn't respond. He said that if she really wanted to take him to court he is fine w/ finding more money to pay her more in CS and not see OC and of course she said it wasn’t about the money, she needs the help more than anything else. I guess she is venting some frustrations…but boo hoo!! Not our problem. Why bring a child into this world when you can’t afford to or when you don’t have the support system to do so.
So this was a very good moment for me...for us. It sent a msg to her that basically she has NO leverage and she can take what she gets or she can get nothing at all. B/c in all honesty..at the end of the day, we can and will do what is convenient for us! My H did NOT ask her to bring this child into this world. It was nice to know that my H was not gonna get jerked around from this absolute nobody. So whether she wants it or not, I made a calendar. We are gonna give it to her a month in advance and it will outline our schedule with OC for 2 months at a time. I don’t care if she wants it or not, she’s gonna get it so that she knows exactly what the schedule is and she will have no excuse to contact us for misc baby sitting!! Whoo whoo…one point on the score board for BW with OC’s!!!!
Sorry this was so long!
[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 6:30 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]
Yesterday I thought we had a breakthrough when he said he'd do everything I've asked him to do (which I've been asking for ever since D-day 2 mos ago), but now I'm think oh, those were just words too.
Before OC was born 2 weeks ago, his intention was to to be around for the C as much as possible. But now he is saying he is going NC with the OW and OC. I know that he got into a huge arguement with the OW few days ago because she's been asking him for excessive $. He left it at if you can't raise the C, we will. Otherwise apply for CS and you'll get a check in the mail. With D-day being not too long ago, my heart and mind can't decifer what is to be trusted.
wanted to add that he appearantly has only seen the OC once when they were at the hospital. Could it be that reality just hit him? or maybe I'm being duped again. I hate that I have absolutely no trust in my own H right now. I question him about the simplest thing he says.
[This message edited by monkeybiz at 3:16 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)]
OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07
monkeybiz - do you think that the NC is maybe his way of showing remorse and sympathy for you? Maybe he realized how hard this was on you and decided to give you some time to cope. If OW is continually asking your H for money it probably broke him out of the fog phase and made him realize what the OW was really after...not him just the money and he's given you ever reason to question the simplest things. He turned your life upside down with his actions and he will have to deal with the reprecussions of it. It does get better. :)
[This message edited by redvixen at 7:18 AM, July 22nd (Sunday)]
XWH died Dec. 2010
Somewhere on this thread is a long list of practical advice about OC's--and one of them is to do nothing until DNA is verified. I think that's especially important in your case, where OW was living with her BF.
About your emotional upheaval about another woman bearing your H's child--that's the absolute worst thing, and I don't think I will ever get over it, really, deep down. Maybe for now, until it's proven your H's, work on your marriage and R, figure out why it happened as much as you/he can, and vent as much as you want here! And vent some to H, too, give him a chance to help heal you in the area too.
It's so mixed up when there is an OC, or even the possibility of one. It's bad enough dealing with the A, but that intimacy of another child is a whole other ballgame. MC is good, especially for infidelity, but in truth not many of them have experience with an OC in the mix--
I don't blame you one bit for being so upset, after having made the decision not to have a child with you H at this point. It sounds like he was careful with the OW in that department anyway--but for now you have to wait it out and find out the truth.
Weekends are slow, but others will respond with more advice. And you have all our support.
They went home last night and H dropped OC off at day care this morning and it will be another 2 weeks till we see him again. Right now...i just feel kinda numb, a little sad...but mostly numb.
Although...he did have a humble moment this weekend. My company had a big summerfest picnic and we went with OC...he met coworkers and stuff and on our way home. He was like..."Babe...i'm really sorry i have a baby and i have all this baggage..." It was nice and sincere of him. I just sorta said..."i know" not much can be said or done huh folks!
I feel like being an a** today...not sure why. Do you ever have those days? Last thing I need is to pick for a fight...even though I can be so good at it! Ha! I'm gonna try to be nice and be good...wish me luck!
[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 12:32 PM, July 23rd (Monday)]
OW showed up w/o her 1040s. Scumbag lawyer said "What? I thought I sent those." Grrrrr. We've been waiting 5 months for these. Seems to me that no CS should be agreed upon w/o 1040s. We agreed to a continuance for court -- in Sept -- provided she sign a form to the IRS releasing her 1040s to us. Soooooo...the unbelievable high CS is continuing to be sent to her until we can prove in Sept. that she is lying.
The worst part was the day in court. OW brought the OC. We were sitting in the conference room and could hear her coaching the 1st OC to call H "dada". Poor thing. When we came out to walk to the courtroom she didn't know which one was "dada" -- our lawyer or my H. Then when we sat down in the courtroom, the OW sent OC1 to sit in H's lap. H couldn't -- wouldn't -- pick her up. He smiled and said hello. But he doesn't know her and we have decided that no contact is the best decision for our family. So the OC decided to sit next to me. I was very nice -- we were in court so we had to be quiet. But I love children and used to work with them -- so I know how to relate. We were getting along nicely -- OW got pissed and removed both of the OC in a huff. Apparently this OW still thinks that she is the betrayed spouse. Whatever. I think using your children to attempt to manipulate and/or create a scene is unbelievably selfish and unkind. What kind of mother does that to her children?
I figured that probably wouldn't be the end of it so H and I waited a bit before we left the court room to go downstairs. But the OW was waiting with the OC anyway. She was determined to speak with H; diss me more than she already has; and insist that H talk to the OC. We thwarted her plan. I saw her from the elevator and we scooted out the back door.
I know that many have chosen contact here. I respect that just as I hope that our decision for no contact is respected. I learned even more about the OW from this court date. She is truly a narcissist, perhaps even a psychopath. As sorry as I feel for the OC, I cannot allow this person in my children's lives. And to be involved with the OC would have to include our COM. My opinion is that even if we attempted contact, the OW would be constantly trying to manipulate the OC and belittling me, my H and our COM.
Hugs to everyone here. This situation is among the worst when it comes to dealing with an A. I wish that none of us had it in our lives. But I especially wish that all of the children (COM & OC) didn't have this to grow up with this.
I'm sorry your court date was so rough and unproductive for you guys. You are an amazing person for being able to deal with this with your head held high and your H right beside you. Even though your situation is a nightmare (as all of ours are) I find great comfort in knowing that you and your H are dealing with everything together! Good luck in September and may it come quickly for you!
[This message edited by misto1976 at 2:28 PM, July 24th (Tuesday)]
Believe it or not you did have a victory. To bring the kids to court was not only to get sympathy from the judge and your H, but to tick you off. And you did not let it happen. GOOD FOR YOU! You held your head up high and that is why she got frustrated. You showed her that you and your H are a united front and that she could not break that.
Hopefully things will go your way financially in Sept. I appreciate your decision not to have contact. Everyone situation is different and if that works best for your family good for you.
For me, I knew that my H cared about these OC and that is why he kept sneaking around all these years. I took that reason away. For me to accept them and have them in our home, she no longer has control. And while I can't stand the sound of her voice, I am surviving what have to.
The kids have been over my house for over a week now and will be staying until Sunday. They are having the time of their lives and I know they will never forget this time. My H told me that words can not express the joy that I have brought to his OC and to him and that he loves and needs me forever.
I was feeling down for a minute, but that helped me see that I am doing the right thing. For everyone, do the right thing for you and yours.
bmc, it's wonderful that you can describe having the kids for a week so positively--and for those of us with contact, it's worth being reminded, as your H did, how special you and we are who can deal with OC's and even bring joy to them as you did--kudos and hugs to you.