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User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
mistakesweremade
♀ Member
Member # 31442
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did several EMDR sessions in a row and now do them "as needed". I've struggled with processing my feelings about the abuse in different ways throughout my life. I never was able to consciously confront them though. I went through years of depression, self destructive behaviors such as cutting, bulimia, compulsive spending.. all things that recreated the pain followed by intense shame. My memories weren't supressed as I am able to recall events etc but I would say that they were compressed... I was unable to attach feelings to them.

EMDR was a bit scary because it certainly unleashed the feelings attached to the abuse that I wasn't able to access before. The days following sessions were very emotional and I would have intense highs and lows. For the first time I found my rage about the situation. I also found the gaping hole it left and the sadness and guilt. I was able to work through feelings that it was my fault and I deserved the abuse. For the first time I was able to grieve the innocence lost and what might have been had it not happened. It hasn't resolved all my issues but it has given me a better understanding of my issues and behaviors that were related to the abuse. I know everyone's situation is different though... the main thing for me was being able to access the feelings and deal with them on the surface instead of through destructive behaviors. This has turned into a bit of a ramble Hope this helps!


FWW-ME

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 25th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mistakesweremade - thanks for sharing; it is greatly appreciated!

Had my second EMDR session. I do experience a strangely calming effect towards the end; my IC is using sound tones at different pitches and intervals to stimulate the different hemispheres of the brain. Sometimes I have trouble sorting my thoughts in the EMDR (I may also have ADHD).

It usually starts off fine, then as we bring up the issues or memories, it gets very difficult, but seems to settle a bit to a point of calm near the end.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
heavenlymgg
♀ New Member
Member # 32782
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, July 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The d-day was also the night I found out about SAB. After hours of crying, screaming I demanded to know all secrets my F had. He cried and I told him if I find out later I will not look back again.

He started to shake and tremble, he told me something he had never told anyone. He was SAB at the age of 5 by a cousin. Since then I have found out that it was horrific what happened to him. It was over a long period of time in the field next to his childhood home in Mexico. No one ever went to look for the 5 year old in a field filled with snakes, cactus and other dangerous things.

When he told me all I wanted to do was hold the person who had just killed me. I needed to! We started therapy 4 hours after I found out the second secret. We started reading books, he took off the rest of the week of work. We have been doing homework, he's in a men's group for SAB victims and I start a support group finally next week. Two months ago we went to Mexico, I seen where it happened. I spit on it and prayed in every church I could.

It's so hard to keep these two things separate, since they are connected by that night.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to seperate the two but understand their connection at the same time.

Our therapist says due to his SAB it made the A easier to happen. The OW approached him in the same was his abuser did. But sometimes I feel like it's an excuse.

So tired and confused


D-day: 1-19-2011

Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Denver
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((heavenlymgg))))

So sorry you find yourself here. It is a lot to deal with. If you haven't yet, read the previous 3-5 pages of this forum as some of the posts may offer extra insight re F's affair.

Caspers1wish - something you posted a little while back resonated in light of a recent counseling session:

Caspers1wish 06/13/2011 post

Situations where the secret goes on really just breaks my heart, but it is so common. There is a misplaced need to protect other bystanders, such as your MIL or other siblings, or even the abuser himself. I think that in a way, it can stall healing or never even start it when there is no support and acknowledgement from the rest of the family, but a big fear is that there won't be anyway if the truth came out. It's a total crap shoot.

It was brought up that (with a few exceptions) I am keeping my WW's secret as to the reason for the separation & pending divorce...much like I have been keeping my past SAB a secret. I was stunned...never connected that. It does bother me now to connect WW's pressure on me to keep everything secret last fall, dangling the possibility that if the truth came out it might hurt a possible reconcilliation or cause unpleasant ripples that would haunt us for years to come, and that I fell into it like I did when I was 7 and the abuser used pressure to keep my silence.

I still don't want to be the one to spill this to WW's family...it would cause a great deal of pain to some of the members, and would not change what has happened or that the marriage is over. I'm sure WW will be following what I've learned to be her lie pattern: tell just enough of the truth in a manner people will want to hear so that no one pulls at the threads of the story. It may also cause some legal issues from the GF's father, as he would likely allege it started back when GF was only 17 (the affair didn't start until about 6-7 months after GF's 18th birthday). I sooo wish I had a fast-forward button...it is no fun being here. So much work to do, I wonder how long it will take to sort out the mess in my head and life.

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 3:18 AM, July 18th (Monday)]


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
mistakesweremade
♀ Member
Member # 31442
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Heavenlymgg))

It's a tough situation. There will be a lot of pain on both sides while you work toward healing. SAB is a violation of the highest order and can damage a person in ways they may not even understand. This, however, does not excuse his A. He may have distorted coping mechanisms for dealing with the pain but he needs to own his actions. For me, the only way to stop being a victim was to grasp that I have complete control over my choices and actions now. He will need to heal himself but he also needs to be there for you as he is the one who caused your pain. There are times when he will need to put his pain aside for your pain... and there may be times when he needs your patience as he learns and grows (as unfair as that may be) Is he in IC as well? It may be a good idea for him to work with an IC on his personal healing and work on healing the realationship in MC.


FWW-ME

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
DevastatedUKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 29109
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, August 5th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wondered whether anyone could offer me any advice. My FWF is a Sab survivor (he was aged around 10, the abuser was a male cousin aged around 12 or 13 at the time). I did not find out about this until d-day over 18 months ago and I accept the link between what happened to him as a child and how that affected his behaviour as an adult and its role in the A.

I feel like R is going extremely well and FWF has done so much work on himself both in respect of the A and his Sab. Anyway, his granddad died just over a week ago and the funeral was on Wednesday. We thought the cousin would be at the funeral and this would be the first time I had met him in the 12 years weíve been together. No one else in the family has any suspicion of what happened and my FWF and the cousin always appeared to be friends growing up.

I managed to avoid the cousin at the funeral (there were over 100 people there so it wasnít hard), but FWF went up to him and gave him and his wife a hug and chatted to him (the rest of the family would have thought it odd if FWF hadnít done this). At the wake we ended up sitting on a table with about 10 family members, including the cousin, and they all reminisced about family holidays theyíd been on (I know FWF has repressed memories of at least 2 of these holidays). I was just polite and friendly to everyone and luckily still managed to avoid the cousin (there were other family members I didnít get to talk to so it was never an issue that I never spoke to the cousin).

Iím really proud of how my FWF handled what must have been a very difficult situation for him. We talked about it afterwards and he said that heíd been preparing to see the cousin at the funeral and because of all the work he has done regarding his sab he feels like it doesnít affect/control him anymore. Whilst he can never forgive his cousin for what he did to him he accepts that his cousin was just a child too and that he believes that something bad must have been happening to the cousin at the time for him to do what he did to FWF. As such FWF now pities the cousin.

What Iím struggling to process is my own feelings about the wake. I know the cousin is a man now who is married with 2 kids and obviously as we become adults we are not the same people we were as children. I donít know whether the cousin has ever discussed any of this with his wife or whether heís been through counselling etc. I despise the cousin for what he did to FWF and it made my skin crawl being in the same room as him and I found it deeply upsetting seeing his mother hug the cousin and hearing everyone talk about the family holidays. I didnít let any of this show at the wake and FWF said he was grateful I was there to support him.

I know this must have been hard for FWF too but I feel that he has come to a place of acceptance about his past. I think I just got a little scarred with just how ok he was with it all, but then again, as he spent his childhood growing up pretending everything was ok maybe it was easier for him to slip back into that role at the wake.

I want to be able to support my FWF as best I can but I feel like Iím the one who is struggling with having seen the cousin (even though I didnít even have to speak to him). I donít want to make it into something thatís about me when it must have been hard for FWF, even though he says heís mostly fine with it all, so I havenít said anything else to FWF about it.

I just feel like if FWF can deal with it so well, I shouldnít allow myself to feel like this. Itís not as though we will see the cousin again (well, until there is another funeral at some time in the future).

Has anyone experienced anything similar? If so, how did/do you deal with it?


Me: BFiancee 31
Him: FWFiance 31
Together 12 years, engaged for the last 5
A = 4 ONS with same OW in 2008 (friends with 'benefits')
D-Day: End of Feb 2010

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: UK
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@DevistatedUKgirl:

I know that my husband, back when we had contact with my abuser on a regular basis, it was very difficult for him. On the outside, he could see how well I was handling public encounters, family functions. On the inside, he knew and saw the turmoil leading up to and after such events. He grinned and bared it the best he could because he knew that anything but would make things worse or awkward for me. Doing what I needed at the time to keep my own sanity helped him despite wanting to spit fury or have his skin literally crawl when interacting with my abuser.

I think it's important for those who support a survivor to find someone they can confide in, to talk out their emotions and feelings about it and to express just how very hard your role is. Sitting on the sidelines, feeling helpless, dealing with your own emotional pain for your SO and for yourself and how the abuse has negatively impacted your relationship.

I think it was great you were there for him in the capacity that you were. I think that you should be able to share with him the feelings you felt, of being uncomfortable, of struggling, I think he would want to know.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 700 | Registered: Jun 2010
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@CanISurvive:

I was wondering if you have another EMDR update. I have done more research on it and therapists in my area. What I have deduced, is there is a lot of talking and counseling involved before EMDR can happen. I don't know if I'm up for that. I've thought about doing acupuncture instead...just stab me, don't talk. I just need to work on being less stressed, more relaxed, more at peace.

A new school year for my kids has started, so I can bury myself in that and keeps idleness at bay where I tend to wallow and get depressed. It also comes with routine and being able to add exercise into my schedule on a regular basis which I consider my anti-depressant drug of choice.

There are moments I'm feeling like I'm coming apart. I look around me at my life, my husband, my children. I have it all, and I still struggle with just accepting it, being happy with what I have, accepting their love. My husband accepts and loves me despite my brokenness, like there is nothing wrong with me, I wish I could see what he sees. It should be enough. But it's not. I still want to die. I still long for peace and silence of my mind, to stop the self destruction, to stop punishing myself for something I had no control over. My husband has told me that killing myself is akin to abandoning my children, a big no-no in my book. It keeps the intent at bay, but not the ideation. Nor does it do a damn thing to relieve the pain I am in today.

I'm dealing with triggers, stress, guilt, shame. My abuser's birthday is tomorrow. I wish I didn't remember it or even think about it.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 700 | Registered: Jun 2010
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ caspers1wish

(((((caspers1wish)))))

I am so sorry I only caught this today. If you are in a bad place again, PM me. SI will send me an e-mail. If I am not asleep, I will respond.

I was wondering if you have another EMDR update. I have done more research on it and therapists in my area. What I have deduced, is there is a lot of talking and counseling involved before EMDR can happen. I don't know if I'm up for that. I've thought about doing acupuncture instead...just stab me, don't talk. I just need to work on being less stressed, more relaxed, more at peace.

I have had two more EMDR sessions, but they primarily focused on my WW, my WW's affair, the subsequent abandoning of me/the marriage for the OW. The EMDR does bring some peace. My Counselor uses sound pulses with me, but uses tapping on opposite shoulders for children. You are not allowed to cross your arms or legs, something I do habitually, and it is supposed to help your brain process the issues better.

I frequently take night walks when I have insomnia. It is an active thing, hands and arms cannot cross. I play music in my iPod, but usually it is "themed" (have been listening to my "Letting Go" playlist for a while now). I have begun to wonder if the varying beats of the music and rhythms aren't mimicing (to some degree) EMDR.

Also, check out the PTSD subforum in "I Can Relate", specifically an entry by Laura28 on the 9th page
(http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=237968&AP=161). She talks a little about her EMDR sessions (here is a teaser):

"...What appealed to me about [EMDR] was that it seemed like a fairly quick fix. I know that sounds silly but I did not want to feel as though I was going to have to spend the next however many years of my life in IC trying to deal with this shit.

I had 8 sessions and now feel 1000% better. I still get sad, think too much about his As and worry about the future. OTOH I can function much better on a day to day basis. I don't have the hysterical fits of crying and rage and I am able to think more clearly.

You know from my previous posts in this forum what are my lingering issues from the sexual abuse...and I'm doing the work on those in case, at some future date, I am in a place to once again rejoin the dating world (nowhere near close atm).

My recommendation: Get into counseling. You need to talk about what you went through. That said, the year I spent in counseling back in college was one of the most painful years of my life, and it followed the first time a long-term relationship partner cheated on me at the end of a relationship. This past year was worse than that year in counseling. It is not easy; you will have to face things you are trying to bury. But eventually you must face them. You have a loving husband who will be there to offer support throught the process. As painful as it will be, it will help significantly.

Accupunture sounds too close to cutting, considering where you are now. That is not a good path to start down. My brother cut himself up pretty bad the night his WW left; was gearing up to kill himself when my parents came by his house, broke in, and got him medical attention. He has told me he cannot wear short-sleeved shirts at work, because there is no way to explain all those scars on his arms.

I still want to die. I still long for peace and silence of my mind, to stop the self destruction, to stop punishing myself for something I had no control over. My husband has told me that killing myself is akin to abandoning my children, a big no-no in my book. It keeps the intent at bay, but not the ideation. Nor does it do a damn thing to relieve the pain I am in today.

I hear your pain. I made a half-hearted attempt to kill myself when I was 16. I had a better plan when I was 17...until I realized my brother (then 9) would be the one to find me, and I could not go through with it. I was close to sending my WW an e-mail at 3AM on 12/23/2010 saying, "Come get the dogs 1st thing, but don't come in the house. Just call the coroner's office after you have the dogs out of the house." As I got closer to executing my plan, 3 things stopped me:

1.) My dogs would be stuck in the house with my corpse, and I did not want to do that to them. Dogs can smell death.

2.) My brother was going through the same thing I was, and had almost killed himself. It really shook up my parents, and I did not want him thinking it might still be a good idea.

3.) I had a sister who died when I was less than a year old, and it has haunted my mother to this day. My sister was only 6 when she died due to a birth defect (something fully curable today), and it was not a quick death due to multiple surgeries. I do not want to put my mother through burying another of her children.

I started smoking again that very night, breaking 15 years as a non-smoker. After the 5th cigarette, the selfish reasons for living kicked in. I didn't want to make it easier for my WW -- she would have got my $250,000 life insurance policy, the house would have been paid off, she'd get the dogs, and never have to deal with a divorce. I cannot change my life insurance over to my brother until after the divorce is final.

Please get into counseling. Do not listen to those impulses. Whatever peace you think it will bring you, it will terribly scar your husband and children. Think of the damage it will do to them. With counseling, you will eventually be able to forgive yourself and find value in you. I cannot begin to imagine how much you have suffered, as my abuse was so brief by comparrison and did not come from a family member.

Remember that what happened in your childhood was *not* your fault. You were not to blame for what happened. You were an innocent child, and the double betrayal by your abuser and his enabling spouse are not your fault. Counseling will help with this immensely.

If you get to a point where you are seriously considering checking out, call a suicide hotline immediately. If you are just having a bad trigger day and need to chat, PM me and I will respond. I am sure that many of the fellow SAB survivors on this sub-forum would be just as willing to offer you support, so if you do not PM me, PM another with a story closer to yours.

Please get help. My heart goes out to you. Noone deserves to have gone through what you did in your childhood. Counseling is the doorway to a more peaceful existance, one in which you will finally feel that you are worth the love your husband and children give you. Try to treat yourself with that same sympathy and care you would offer a friend if one confided in you they had been through a similar thing. You'd be surprised; you probably have a few friends in rl around you who are also hiding their SAB status.

(((((caspers1wish)))))

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 7:11 AM, August 29th (Monday)]


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, September 6th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ DevastatedUKgirl, I have refused to see my abuser for a few years now. Until that point, everything was a secret and I'd smile and avoid and pretend like all was ok. It wasn't though. Abuse thrives on secrecy and by pretending doesn't solve any problems. It's only now that I feel I'm making true progress - now that I refuse to see my abuser and stand up for myself. It's no fun to let people know what happened. It's terrifying. You think people will judge you and look down on you for it, but knowledge is the only way to protect other family members from the same fate. Sure, he might have grown up, but it doesn't mean the abuse will stop. It could just be happening to younger generations now.

@casperswish, how are you? Please realize that thoughts of death are not the answer. You have family that loves you and there is so much to live for! It was not your fault. This whole thing - NOT your fault. You were a victim, no matter how your head tries to blame yourself (mine does that too - no one wants to think that they couldn't have done anything, but you really couldn't). Please talk to someone, and not just your husband, when you have these thoughts.

In my own fucked-upedness related to SAB these days, I notice that my sexuality swings from nonexistent to ravenous. Anyone else deal with this as you're processing things?


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ DevastatedUKgirl: Island_Girl makes a good point; there is every chance that as long as your FWF's abuser is allowed to maintain his secret abuser status, it could be a new generation he's targeting. That said, since it was your FWF who was abused, it puts you in a difficult position.

@ caspers1wish: Just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing.

@ island_girl: My WW left for the OW/OG on D-Day, so I've pretty much been a monk ever since. I have never had a ONS, and I don't have plans to start, so I'm not sure I can answer that in my current monk-like status.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@CIS - ONSs aren't the only way for this to manifest themselves. I've never done that and can't really imagine it going well for me. I just mean that in terms of sexual desire I'm really swinging from one extreme to another. I'm completely asexual with no desire at all for months and then B.O.B. and I are bestest friends for months... nothing in between.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@island_girl:

Ah, gotcha. My issues are stemming more from the A.

* TMI Alert *

Up until the STBX's firing, we were 2-3 times a week (no kids after all). Once she got fired and her depression set in, we went through a cold spell for about 2 months. The last summer, when she was spending so much time with the then-future OW/OG, we were a once a week couple through D-Day. I had no sex drive post D-Day for about 2-3 months. It has returned, but I can identify with where you are. In my case, it changes week to week.

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 1:17 AM, September 13th (Tuesday)]


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, September 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CIS, do you think it stems more from where you are emotionally due to the A or due to SAB issues? I split with my ex about 2.5 years ago so it seems like it's more due to the SAB stuff I'm dredging up rather than emotional balancing from the A - though that definitely screwed things up there too.

I suppose it's just interesting to me that so many things I do are related to this or common in SAB survivors. So it makes me wonder what else is related.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case I think more from the A, but the A definitely dredged up issues with the CSAB. It may also be a factor that my abuser was of the same gender as myself. Some things I thought were resolved did a bit of a back-slide. I dealt with many of the CSAB issues in college with the hopes of being able to be in a healthier place so that I might connect with healthier people. I am definitely addressing both the A and CSAB in my IC & GC sessions.

It has been surprising how many core/common issues I face that I never really connected to the CSAB until I found this sub-forum. So many far reaching things.

Here's sending good thoughts out to all of us dealing with both A issues and our SAB issues. Everyone on SI has been great, but this sub-forum has especially been a place of great learning and support.

*hugs* to all.

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 4:58 PM, September 14th (Wednesday)]


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been surprising how many core/common issues I face that I never really connected to the CSAB until I found this sub-forum. So many far reaching things.

I know! And some that seem completely unrelated - like the sitting with your back against the wall thing. I recently went to dinner and sat with my back to the room completely comfortably. In fact, I didn't even notice it until we left. A sign of healing? I hope!!


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
Intothewoods
♀ Member
Member # 33164
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please can someone help me connect the dots here in a meaningful way. DD was over a month ago. WH is still involved in an affair that is mostly emotional.

A year ago he started EMDR to deal with his past. Crazy mom, and (it turns out) a dad who tied him up and possibly raped him, certainly abused him in some way. When this stuff came up, he did the therapy, felt 100% better, and that was that. Two months later, unbeknownst to me, he gets involved with this woman. His explanation for what's going on now is that having dealt with his past in therapy, he realized he'd been lying to himself about how unhappy he was in our marriage. Six months of lying to me later (lying to me was somehow ok), this is his reasoning. He was suddenly so unhappy in the marriage that he had to seek comfort elsewhere.

I have been with him half my life, supporting him through the struggle that was getting through the days with his particular background. And now this.

Please shed some light if you have it. I wish he would leave OW so we could at least get a rational look at our relationship. But he doesn't want to, has been willing to leave me and the kids to carry on like this. Refuses to recognize that the affair is pertinent to our discussions, but would love to talk and talk and talk about how unhappy he was in our relationship and how it's all my fault. He has always behaved self-righteous, injured, and like the world owes him. He has always behaved in a way that served himself first because he could only rely on himself in that crazy family. I'm starting to think it's not worth hoping for R with him.

My theory is that the therapy and trying but not fully facing the abuse has led to a personal crisis of some sort. However I am so hurt right now that I would believe anything to defend myself from his allegations that I pushed him out.

I am too emotionally exhausted to read all 49 pages on this thread. If anyone can tell me what they think or point me to a particular page, I would appreciate it greatly.


Me- BS
Him - fWS
DDay August 2011
Began the process of R, January 2012.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2011
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Intothewoods))))

I am so sorry to hear that you are facing this situation. It sounds like a lot of gaslighting on his part. My STBXWW tried to pin the blame of her A on me on D-Day tho I called her on it. She chose OW/OG on D-Day and left.

There is another whole subforum in "I Can Relate" on when a WS leaves the BS for the OP. Check that forum out too.

Don't know what advice to give you as your WH sounds like he is still deep in the A Fog. WS frequently put the blame on th BS. Know that you are not responsible for his actions, the A is in no way your fault, these are choices he made without consulting you or even giving your years of love and friendship a chance by trying MC and going NC wih the other woman to get a clear perspective. My heart goes out to you.

The other thing you might do is see if a particular person's story in this subforum or the "Spouse left for OP" subforum matches or is close to your story and send them a PM.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Intothewoods)))
I think you are very insightful. He sees you as a reminder of emotions he is not ready or able to deal with. He finds it much easier to push away deep emotion, mature introspection, and true intimacy with you in favor of self medication and superficial intimacy with OW. He is demonizing you because it is much easier than facing the reality.

This was the case with my H, and he did indeed suffer an emotional breakdown before reaching out for help. I know well your sorrow and frustration. Please feel free to PM me anytime.




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm triggering today. This past Weds, when dealing with the A, my STBXWW's controling behavior, etc...it all came full circle back to the CSAB. While going into iTunes last night, the "Genius" recommended a song that I downloaded:

I was Seven by Alice Marie

I was seven when I was abused.

I feel guilty about triggering; my CSAB was not even close to as bad as what many on this forum had to deal with. My abuser wasn't even a family member like in the song, and it only happened a few times. Yet I find myself just spinning today. I have had to show the house once already, and another group will be coming through in about 1/2 an hour. I am in the process of numbing out so I can get through it.

My IC recommended we do some more EMDR targetting the abuse, the loss of control, issues over self-value, etc. I just feel at a loss. I guess I'm just rambling. Just having trouble processing at the moment, and need to numb out so I can get through the next hour or so.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
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