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User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, May 9th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Inchoate)))

I hope things are a bit better, sorry you and your spouse are hurting. There have been times when my husband feels exactly the way you do about my abuser, however, my abuser is still living. The destruction that is the aftermath of dealing, or not dealing with sexual abuse, is so incredibly massive. It bleeds into all aspects of the survivor's life, their relationships, their children. So very sad.

I have been trying to be numb about all the Mother's day hoopla. My children woke me at 7:15am Sunday, eager to show me their crafted school gifts, and wish me a Happy Mother's day. It's always a bitter sweet day. I'm a mom, and I'm blessed with wonderful daughters, I'm very lucky. And then that small part of me can't block out that it's been 6 years I haven't acknowledged my own mother on Mother's day. Not because she's dead and gone, but she's alive and well, living with my abuser. And I'm proven all over again that I'm not really over that loss no matter how many times I've mourned that relationship and thought that's the last time. She didn't choose me, she chose him. Oy, that hurts.



Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 700 | Registered: Jun 2010
NOTINKANSAS
♀ Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 10th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting in this part of the forum. I never thought I'd find myself on SI, yet alone here, but this is my life.
My H confessed a brief sexual fling to me 4 months ago.
I had this nagging feeling that there was something more. He confessed again last week that he has been unfaithful several times from around 2005-2009, all casual sex, no emotions, all followed by intense feelings of shame and disgust. He has had a problem with pornography for as long as Iíve known him. I started reading about sexual acting out and realized that's what he's been doing. I asked him if anything had ever happened to him as a child and at first he said no but then he broke down and told me that he was a victim of incest when he was about 5 years old. He never told anyone to protect his relative. They are still close but he told me sometimes he can't even hug her. I was very sad to hear of this because my kids and I are also very close to this relative. He asked me to not think differently of her and he knows that she was most likely being abused or had been abused. He was again abused by a different relative when he was an adolescent and she was 17 or 18. And still another relative attempted to abuse him but he resisted.
I donít know what to do. Itís so clear that the abuse has severely impacted my husbandís life. He is extremely hypervigilant. I always thought it was a quirk. When we would go out to eat I would always wait for him to choose our table and to sit down first. I knew he needed to sit in a corner facing the rest of the room. He is unable to sit with his back to the room. He has a fear of crowds and gets anxiety.
I can see how for pretty much his entire life he has been putting himself in situations where he does something bad and itís followed by shame and guilt. Heís had problems with impulses and rage.
He has large blocks of memories he canít remember, from his childhood and adulthood. He told me he canít remember our kids as babies. I know he has problems with emotional intimacy. I always felt like he wouldnít connect with me on a deeper level. He swore that I didnít love him. I did, even though he did some pretty terrible things to me at times! He did something to me sexually that caused me to almost completely shut down in that aspect of our relationship and the cheating started shortly after.
I just donít know what to do. I donít know how to not take his actions personally. I know they are a direct result of what he has held inside of him for all of these years, but it still hurts to think of him with those other women. They were all older or unattractive or both. All I can think is that he enjoyed it. He swears that it was not enjoyment, it was something else followed by a lot of shame and regret and he would yell at himself and ask why he was doing those things. He would vow to stop but he didnít, and the cycle would continue. He stopped cheating in 2009 and stopped the porn shortly after. Sometime in 2010 I felt a change in my husband. He became loving and attentive. He was the man I was waiting for all along. We started going out on dates and reconnecting. He would constantly say things like ďYou deserve better than meĒ ďI am a horrible personĒ and ďI donít deserve youĒ. I guess as he allowed himself to be close with me again, the need to confess grew. He told me he would feel sick with guilt and fear that he was going to lose us and he would throw up.
I know my husband has some serious pain inside of him that definitely influenced his behavior. I hurt for him, but heís done terrible thing and I donít know if I can recover enough to trust him again and have a relationship with him. I have built a life with this man. We have 4 children. I know he needs help. We have been in MC and plan to continue, but I donít know if I can stay with him. He swears to me that what he did with those women was NOT what we do in our M, but I canít help but to feel like Iím not good enough or that I canít please him. Obviously women like that are more experienced than me. He cries and cries and begs and promises that all he wants is us, our family, and me. He has been doing everything right, other than initially withholding all of this information from me. I just donít know how to shake the thoughts of these other womenís mouths on my husband and him inside of them and the enjoyments and all that horrible stuff. I canít shake the feeling that he forgot my birthday, we never celebrated anniversaries, and he wouldnít go to my prenatal appointments but he would lie to me and drive across town for 3 minute sex that made him feel dirty. Has anyone here had an experience like this? Iím so torn up inside. So much hurt and pain.


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
OnceWasEnough
♀ Member
Member # 29991
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NotinKansis)

Go back and read through some of my earlier posts. You may find our H's are quite similar in nature. It hit home as soon as I saw that your H does not celebrate anniversaries, this has been one of my heartaches for years.

Your H needs to find a therapist specializing in sex abuse. Nothing will change until he takes the first step and makes that appointment. If his wife and family are important to him, he will do it for all of you.

A book was just recently recommended to me to read, you might want to look for it too. "Co-Dependency no more" written by Melody Beattie

There are several other books I purchased in the past regarding male survivors, if you're interested, I can get those titles for you too.


BW-51, WH-54, M-32yrs, 2 grown DD's, DD#1-OW#1 1988, DD#2,3,4,5,6,7,8-OW#2 9/10, 10/10, 12/11, 8/12, 10/12, 12/12, 2/13 Just too many to matter anymore.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Oregon
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NoinKansas))),

I have the same problem about sitting in a room to my back to doors. I am at my computer at home a lot, and it is in the corner. I also prefer to sit in the corner, or in a spot that I can always see, or mostly see, someone approaching from any direction. My husband has learned that I'm easily scared or spooked when he's only being teasing, such as, when I'm in the bathroom, he'll try to be cute and sneak up on me. The first time he did it I screamed bloody murder and burst out crying.

I feel like you have described me in many ways about your husband. I put myself in situations that are bad and then have tremendous guilt and shame about them. It's recreating the abuse. I understand why I recreate the abuse, but it's really hard to wrap the brain around. The abuse was devastating and harmful, and yet I relive it over and over, and I have felt helpless in that cycle of reliving not only the abuse, but reliving the shame and guilt afterwards.

I can perfectly understand that your husband did not enjoy being with all those women. Initially, there is enjoyment, but it is so fleeting, because the rush of guilt and shame are fast on its heels. For me, this is replication of the abuse. Because during the abuse, there were small moments of pleasure, enjoyment, but so clouded over with how wrong it all was, and the shame of it feeling good. So all those men were all one person, my abuser. I know my husband, like you, tries to not take it personally, but it still hurts very very much.

It takes a lot of introspection, loving yourself, forgiving yourself, working through facing the abuse and feelings and emotions, to finally make any sort of changes where you no longer feel the need to punish yourself. I have not been in IC, but I think that everyone and anyone can benefit from dealing with these issues with a therapist. There are many books about overcoming sexual abuse, most are geared at women, but I'm sure there are more resources for men now.

As a spouse to a survivor, you also need a lot of support. You also need to not let his past excuse his bad choices. He can choose to get help, choose to face his past, choose to live free from the cycle of acting out. And you can choose to leave and refuse to be hurt over and over again.

I'm sorry for your pain and wish you peace.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 700 | Registered: Jun 2010
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, May 16th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NOTINKANSAS)))
So sorry to hear what you are going through.

(((caspers1wish)))
I second that need to have a wall at my back. It's almost a joke at my work; people have gotten to the point of saving me a "wall seat" at the lunchroom table (though they don't know why I need that). I always keep definite personal space around me at all times.

I got off lucky re my abuse; all things considered. Only happened a few times, older neighbor boy, obviously also an SA victim by the verbal tools he used to secure my silence. I have had an off-again, on-again problem with porn that followed the whole shame/guilt cycle you described (same cycle described by NOTINKANSAS & OnceWasEnough re their spouses). I had never put 2 & 2 together re it being a recreation of the shame/guilt cycle of the abuse before...

I never cheated on my spouse as we had both had parents who had cheated, and both had past partners cheat on us. She was always very jealous and possessive. Ironic that she ended up being the cheater.

I have always been very bad at providing non-sexual intimacy with past parnters (including WW). That was one of her justifications for the infidelity. I even had a real problem initiating sexual intimacy; I could respond to my spouse and past partners, and enjoyed it very much, but I was always so scared I might overstep their boundaries or that they might consent and regret it later that it took real work for me to initiate. I am hoping to deal with the intimacy issues in my counseling so I do not sabatoge future relationships with an inability to provide reasurring contact, non-sexual intimacy, to be able to initiate sexual intimacy as much as a future partner, and provide a clear indication re my feelings to a future partner. First, though, I need to reduce my baggage from a whole luggage cart down to a few carry-ons (and learn to trust again).

Have you tried EMDR? My counselor has used it with other SA survivors. I am going to start it/try it soon, to deal with th SA and some of my abandonment issues.

My counselor wants me to also deal with issues of loss/abandonment and keeping an emotional distance. We moved a lot when I was a kid, the longest friendship I ever had was my WW. I am good at making friends initially, but I have a hard time letting people get too close as I expect them to leave. I was really close to my WW's family, but as my WW has kept the reason for our splitting secret, it has put a definite distance between us. Most of my family lives half-way across the country now (they moved back to our birth state; I stayed here due to college & then career). I can really relate to "George" in the series "Dead Like Me"...she cannot go back to her family, feeling alone and isolated.

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 2:59 AM, May 16th (Monday)]


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 16th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa, I had no idea the "wall seat" thing was related to my abuse! I always joke around that I'm a cowboy because I like my back to the wall.

It's been a while since I've checked on this thread. When I feel like I need it, it seems to move incredibly slowly so then I distract myself with other things. And usually end up so distracted I forget to come back here.

But I've been facing some stuff recently - my abuser is going to be at my brother's wedding celebration this week. I FINALLY took the affirmative steps to say to my brother "I love you and I'd love to celebrate with you, but I don't feel safe with XXX there. My kids and I would love to take you and [wife] out to eat to celebrate and spend some special time with you."

I really struggled with doing this. I don't want anyone to feel like I'm forcing a "him or me" decision on them. But I also don't feel like it's conducive to my healing to put myself in a situation where I would be approached by this person. And I know that I wouldn't be able to go and avoid him. He'd seek me out.

This was the best solution I could come up with.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, May 17th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((island_girl)))

You have my sympathies. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have the abuser be a member of the family.

...my abuser is going to be at my brother's wedding celebration this week. I FINALLY took the affirmative steps to say to my brother "I love you and I'd love to celebrate with you, but I don't feel safe with XXX there. My kids and I would love to take you and [wife] out to eat to celebrate and spend some special time with you."

You may not be attending the wedding, but at least you will not have any trauma connected to your brother's special event. You want to have happy memories connected to your brother, his new wife, and the start of their new life together.

Good luck, and hang in there island_girl.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 17th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, CIS. It is my older brother... so familial relationships have been hard - before and after bringing it out into the open. My parents claim to want to support both those that were abused (my two sisters as well) and him. But I feel like the victims here are just being tolerated with our "crazy whims" that we don't see him. And, it seems to me, that it will only be tolerated for a short time.

The wedding celebration is today. I've been facing some pressure from my mom to go. She doesn't say anything directly, but I know what she's thinking.

When the wedding was first discussed, I asked her if my abuser would be there. She was like "I don't know." I found out today, from another brother, that he is definitely going to be there AND that my mom knew that when I asked her! I'm so upset by this - I feel almost betrayed.

I understand that she wants nothing more than her whole family to get along, but that isn't going to happen unless he apologizes and makes some major changes in the way he treats us (not that I'm still being abused, but treated condescendingly).


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, May 18th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

island_girl:

Wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing. Meant to check on you yesterday, but as this was the week my WW and I started the Mediated Divorce process, my sleep patterns are all out of wack and I crashed in exhaustion last night before I could log in.

You have my condolences re the pressure from your family.

I understand that she wants nothing more than her whole family to get along, but that isn't going to happen unless he apologizes and makes some major changes in the way he treats us (not that I'm still being abused, but treated condescendingly).

It is not fair to be pushed by family members to try to have a "normal" family event when things are still in such a "not normal" place. I completely agree; if your abuser is treating you in a dismissive/condescending manner, has never apologized for his actions, has never shown remorse, etc. then things cannot move forward.

Has he ever seen a counselor or done any real work at getting at the issues which drove him to cross the line? Not to stoke the fires per se, but sexual abusers/predators do not typically change on their own. As such, more members of your family (especially younger ones) may still be at risk.

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 11:06 PM, May 18th (Wednesday)]


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 19th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for looking in CIS. It's been rough, but I'm managing. Tuesday, when everyone was out celebrating and I was home alone, I felt left out, but then it's weird because I wasn't left out. I chose not to be there. I just didn't feel like I had another choice!

And no, he hasn't seen a counselor or anything. He claims that he's changed, but he acts the same (arrogant and cruel). When all this came out into the open a couple years ago, he admitted to some VERY minor things and apologized "if" those behaviors hurt us. But he hasn't acknowledged anything close to the extent of the actual behaviors.

He's a dentist, holds high status positions at church, has a trophy wife and six kids (which is a big deal in his/my family's religion), and he won't do anything to tarnish his carefully crafted reputation as a solid respectable guy.

My sisters and I won't allow our kids around him, but he has his own kids. His wife doesn't seem to think that it's a big deal so I worry about his kids.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 22nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Island_Girl:

It can be hard to do the right thing for us when it means we are missing out. I hope you have a date scheduled to take your just married brother and his new wife out; that will help. You might even see if some of your other sisters want to come along and make it more of a group celebration. Just throwing out ideas.

Unfortunately, I am not surprised by the abuser's actions (or lack thereof). So many people think sexual abusers are some homeless person or "creepy stranger" and would never guess they are more often the well dressed, well regarded, church-going, "upstanding" businessman in their midst. Sadly, it would probably take the abuser-brother abusing a neighbor's child, or (if he does abuse his -- I'm hoping his wife really watches out for her kids) one of his kids talking in a school classroom for your abuser to get the help he needs. Bravo to you and your sisters' re keeping your children away from the abuser; that takes guts (many people would consider caving in to family pressure). Sending major virtual kudos your way! Keep hanging in there.

My WW and I both had a common religious upbringing, and the faith we were raised in values mid/large families. My WW and I never got around to having kids as she always had a reason to wait. Now I am kind of glad; how would I explain to kids why "Mommy's Special Friend" would be closer to their age than hers?

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 4:41 AM, May 23rd (Monday)]


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm taking my brother and his wife out this weekend - tomorrow. Two of my other brothers will be able to make it so I'm excited to see them.

I still feel a bit of resentment from the pressure to just get along and the fact that I feel like my older brother is attempting to force himself upon me. It's just far too similar a feeling to childhood issues with him. Even though now it's just his presence that he's forcing, it feels very much like a violation of my personal desires to stay away from him.

I wish I could somehow get my parents and family members to see that.

So what religion were you raised in, CIS?


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear that you will be taking your brother out and that other family members will be joining you. Have a great time!

I still feel a bit of resentment from the pressure to just get along and the fact that I feel like my older brother is attempting to force himself upon me. It's just far too similar a feeling to childhood issues with him. Even though now it's just his presence that he's forcing, it feels very much like a violation of my personal desires to stay away from him.
I wish I could somehow get my parents and family members to see that.

I can completely see how the abuser's pushing his way into your life would feel uncomfortable; he overstepped your boundaries then, and his attitude and pushing now are an overstepping of your current boundaries. It is very understandable that such behavior on his part would bring back those feelings from childhood.

Your family may never quite understand how you feel. Stick to your guns. You are allowed to feel the way you do.

I was raised Catholic. I am a Heinz 57 mutt; though I am mostly Irish, Polish, and German. I went through the sacraments of Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation, and Marriage. That said, I am no longer a practicing Catholic.

PS: I will not be posting on the forums for about 2 weeks. I am going with my instructors to Okinawa to train. My primary teacher speaks fluent Japanese (she lived and trained on Okinawa for a year and a half in the mid 1970s), so it is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I am hoping to come back without any more injuries than I currently have. Wish me luck.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update from Okinawa...

My training is going well. My instructors and fellow karateka have been subtly hinting at support for what i am going thru, even tho they do not know of my past SAS status or the reason my WW & I are proceeding with divorce. It is good to have support in RL in addition to all the support provided by all those affected by SA. Thanks again to all in this sub-forum.

I started EMDR with my IC just before I left for Okinawa. Based up my (very) preliminary experiences with this treatment, I am very hopeful. I would encourage any other SAS to try EMDR with an IC. Let me know how your experiences fare; I will try to do so here.

I will try to access this site a few more times before my return (I will be back Stateside by 06/07/2011). Hope everyone is doing well. Take care.

~CIS


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
OnceWasEnough
♀ Member
Member # 29991
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CanISurvive,
I hope your training went well and your dachsunds behaved while staying with their sitter. It's great to know you've also had some love and support from your little family. I know I couldn't live without mine. Even when I'm crying, my cockerspaniel is right there at my side asking me what's wrong.

Our 31st anniversary was last month and based on my request to my WH not to celebrate, it came and went just like any other day. Absolutely no celebrating occurred. (How can I celebrate a date that I now know was sometimes meaningless to WH?)

Anyway, his parents gave him a card for us to open, he didn't tell them we weren't celebrating. The card sat on our counter for over a week and then I finally placed it in with the bills, maybe to discard later. Last week WH was looking for card because his parents had placed a check in it for us and he was on the way to the bank with his other deposits.

I claimed innocence and advised I didn't know where the card was. Internally, I was seething. How could he accept the money knowing how I felt?

So yesterday, I returned the card to his mother advising we had not opened it and why. She immediately began opening it to retrieve the check to give to me and I stopped her, told her it was not called for until we actually had something to celebrate.

Her first question was, "oh, aren't you getting along"? Well yes, we're getting along just fine but that's not the point.

How can you tell a mother that her youngest son, the baby in the family, had been so traumatize by the SAB from his own father,that he cannot even honestly talk to her about what he did to his own marriage? How can I tell her that I truly believe if the SAB hadn't occurred, her beautiful son would never have stepped outside the boundaries of his marriage vows.

It's so heartbreaking for me to know that in order to clear one family member's mishap in deeds, it opens another family member's devious deeds to his own children?

The IL's are 83 and too old for this to come to light, but I just hate knowing that WH's mother will go to her grave thinking she had somehow raised her son wrong and never understand his infidelities.....


BW-51, WH-54, M-32yrs, 2 grown DD's, DD#1-OW#1 1988, DD#2,3,4,5,6,7,8-OW#2 9/10, 10/10, 12/11, 8/12, 10/12, 12/12, 2/13 Just too many to matter anymore.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Oregon
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 13th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CanISurvive))),

Please keep us posted on how EMDR is going, I'm very curious about it and hope that you have the desired outcome and make progress in your healing.

(((OnceWasEnough))),

Situations where the secret goes on really just breaks my heart, but it is so common. There is a misplaced need to protect other bystanders, such as your MIL or other siblings, or even the abuser himself. I think that in a way, it can stall healing or never even start it when there is no support and acknowledgement from the rest of the family, but a big fear is that there won't be anyway if the truth came out. It's a total crap shoot.

It's so heartbreaking for me to know that in order to clear one family member's mishap in deeds, it opens another family member's devious deeds to his own children?

I think this is so true and that you can trace such devastation even further. What happened to his father when he was a child that he perpetrated such a heinous crime on his own flesh and blood? I know that my father was sexually abused when he was a kid. His mother would make him sleep with her friends. I'm sure she has a history of abuse as well. It's very sad when I think about how can I raise my own girls free from the cycle of dysfunction.

I'm sorry you are put in the position you are in. I know my husband had a really hard time being around my parents before the truth came out. Although, my parents do not know the devastating effects the abuse has had on our marriage, and a part of me wishes they knew because they seem oblivious, but I seriously don't think they will ever understand. My mother will go to her grave knowing the extent of the abuse, but believing no one but she was the victim in all of it. Toxic.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 700 | Registered: Jun 2010
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OnceWasEnough)))

That is a very difficult position to be in. You have my condolences.

...I just hate knowing that WH's mother will go to her grave thinking she had somehow raised her son wrong and never understand his infidelities...

With their age, and the issues it would stir up, likely with no real results...I just don't know what to say.

caspers1wish has it right; I know my abuser was definitely abused himself. He was too young to have come up with the words and phrases that insured my silence without having heard them himself from whomever his abuser was. One of the other triggers that helped get me into counseling all those years ago was that so many past abuse victims become abusers themselves. I never wish to ever put someone in such a powerless, damaged state. Unfortunately, it has also resulted in keeping me from offering past partners nurturing intimacy as I am overly conscious of potentially crossing boundaries. I need to get over that so if I ever find someone new, I will be able to initiate intimacy.

In all honesty, I have never told my parents or my older sister what happened to me. I fear it would cause them (especially my mother) more pain than anything. My mother lost her second daughter (6 years old at the time of her death) before I turned 1. My mother was the child of alcoholics, and had to deal with repeated infidelities by my father (they are still married). She has been through enough; she does not need to feel guilty or that she failed to protect me.

I told my younger brother, but we have a special bond now as both our spouses left us for affair partners in the same year. We also keep each other's vaulted info as sacred.

(((caspers1wish)))
I hope you have success on your healing journey, both in your marriage and with your past SAB.

I did not do any EMDR in last week's session. We mostly talked re my trip to Okinawa, the upcoming lawyer meeting in the divorce process, etc. I also started a group session my IC holds that she thought might help me. I met the group last week, and it was absolutely freaky to hear 3 other people talk about their issues when I also have so many of those same issues myself. I do not know if any of those people were SAS or not; too early to tell. I will also post more here re the EMDR when I start it up again.

Its almost 3:00 AM here where I am at on the west coast, and I will have to get up by 7:00 AM to go to work. I am finally getting exhausted enough to try sleep (today was a lawyer day re the divorce). Mr. Insomnia has been a house guest here for far too long; anyone else wanna put him up for a while?

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 4:54 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
OnceWasEnough
♀ Member
Member # 29991
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,
I wanted to wish all of you a happy Summer Solstice and a good week.

I continue to take one day at a time, and things are currently doing well.

I'll be a grandmother again any day now, looking forward to my first granddaughter after having 2 very rambunctius grandsons for the past few years. Grandma's rocking chair is ready!


BW-51, WH-54, M-32yrs, 2 grown DD's, DD#1-OW#1 1988, DD#2,3,4,5,6,7,8-OW#2 9/10, 10/10, 12/11, 8/12, 10/12, 12/12, 2/13 Just too many to matter anymore.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Oregon
mistakesweremade
♀ Member
Member # 31442
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post in this forum but I have been lurking. I have been undergoing EMDR for my CSAB and it has been helpful. I was abused by our family doctor on a few occassions. It has helped me process the trauma and reframe the way I see things.

It was comforting to me to read the posts in this forum and see that others had affairs that were about recreating the shame and guilt that comes with being abused. I thought I was completely crazy.

[This message edited by mistakesweremade at 9:12 PM, June 21st (Tuesday)]


FWW-ME

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gratz OnceWasEnough! Hope you get lots of rocking chair time with the new wee one!

Welcome to the group, mistakesweremade. Sounds like you are farther in re the EMDR; would you be willing to share a little re how it helps? There is interest by members in this forum re EMDR, and your input/experience would be most welcome.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
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