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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you bent, stay strong. Your little one needs you.




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you copingwithdoubts- the hugs are much appreciated. My little one and I need each other, of this I am sure.

Tonight is a little better as a dear friend fed me and I was able to talk to another friend.

WS is currently at the ER due to the fallout of some of his drug use.

Does it ever end?

Sweet girl and I will be moving to our new place on Friday, so I have something to look forward to!

Hugs to all here.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 625 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((bent)))))

It can be very overwhelming and especially with so much on your plate. Just remember, one step at a time and one bite at a time.

Just wanted to let you know that you are heard and folks do care. Get some rest and enjoy your time with your little one.

Sending thoughts and prayers.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((bent)))))

It can be very overwhelming and especially with so much on your plate. Just remember, one step at a time and one bite at a time.

Just wanted to let you know that you are heard and folks do care. Get some rest and enjoy your time with your little one.

Sending thoughts and prayers.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((bent)))))

It can be very overwhelming and especially with so much on your plate. Just remember, one step at a time and one bite at a time.

Just wanted to let you know that you are heard and folks do care. Get some rest and enjoy your time with your little one.

Sending thoughts and prayers.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((bent)))))

It can be very overwhelming and especially with so much on your plate. Just remember, one step at a time and one bite at a time.

Just wanted to let you know that you are heard and folks do care. Get some rest and enjoy your time with your little one.

Sending thoughts and prayers.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, April 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((bent44)))) & ((((copingwithdoubts))))

Hang in there both of you. Bent44 -- eating will likely be a real issue for a while. Be sure to at least drink lots of fluids. There are lots of drinks that contain electrolytes, vitamins, and other important things. If you can eat, I recommend trying to eat on a regular schedule -- it can help. Lots of fruits and veges.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, April 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone! This site is truly been a Godsend.

The eating has been a problem since Dday 10/25/10, but the pendulum now seems to be swinging in the opposite direction- I am now over-eating.

Hopefully, someday my food intake and emotions will find their middle-ground.

For anyone else in my shoes, I found supplements to be most helpful- lots of vitamins and minerals to make it through when I couldn't eat or sleep.

There is hope for each of us, and the strength here is such a large part of my hope right now.

Thank you all again. May we each have a peaceful night.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 625 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, April 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I just dropped back in and saw my posts, posts.

I didn't realize I studdered that bad.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
OnceWasEnough
♀ Member
Member # 29991
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find that the forum I need the most for comfort is rarely visited by SIers. Maybe it should be my goal to keep this up near the top and post my updates.

I am 6 months post D-day and just this week I asked my WS to check with his SAB IC (on Monday) to see if it' safe for us to begin MC.

Of course he never got back to me so I asked him last night for the status and as I thought, WS says he's not mentally ready yet.

I've been going through the roller coaster majorly lately, can't keep my mind off his A and the security that I'm still not feeling between the two of us.

Of course he does everything right by his actions, says he loves me, but this is nothing new. He did that during the A too. I need heart to heart talks and it's not happening.

The other night I told him I need to hear him say how much I mean to him, how much he wants our marriage to work, how much he wants to be with me for the rest of our lives........and he just can't initiate those type of sentences. I also told him our anniversary coming up in May is no longer a celebration to me, instead it's a painful reminder. I asked him for a new anniversary, for new commitment vows that we can celebrate going forward. He thought that was a good idea, I suggested Reno. When? I'm waiting for him to ask........

WH's father really did a number on him as a child, wish I could spill the beans to MIL and identify the anger that her son is now dealing with. No, no one knows except me. I hope FIL is propelled in a direction other than heaven when he goes.......


[This message edited by OnceWasEnough at 7:59 PM, April 20th (Wednesday)]


BW-51, WH-54, M-32yrs, 2 grown DD's, DD#1-OW#1 1988, DD#2,3,4,5,6,7,8-OW#2 9/10, 10/10, 12/11, 8/12, 10/12, 12/12, 2/13 Just too many to matter anymore.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Oregon
OnceWasEnough
♀ Member
Member # 29991
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, April 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We celebrated Easter here on Saturday, beautiful day for an easter egg hunt! My grandson's had a wonderful time gathering eggs, even my little cocker spaniel tried to help the boys find the eggs.

At the end of the day FWH and I sat back and reflected on the beauty of our children and grandchildren. Then my mind reflected too far back and I thought how all of this would have been different had I not found out about the SAB after his A was uncovered. Instead I'm sure we would be divorced by now and WH possibly dead by suicide had I not gotten him into therapy for his depression (and further specialized help for the SAB).

There were many things to be thankful for this weekend. Yes, I'm thankful I still have him as my partner, but it also terrifies me without that communication that I crave.

One day at a time.....


BW-51, WH-54, M-32yrs, 2 grown DD's, DD#1-OW#1 1988, DD#2,3,4,5,6,7,8-OW#2 9/10, 10/10, 12/11, 8/12, 10/12, 12/12, 2/13 Just too many to matter anymore.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Oregon
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can identify with so much of your last post!
At the end of the day FWH and I sat back and reflected on the beauty of our children and grandchildren.

I am the SAb survivor and for me, his affair was like I went back in time. I could not believe he could do this to me when he knew of my childhood betrayal!
We are trying to R but I still remind him of our early marriage goals and how his A could have meant the end of our reaching them (2 of our children married the summer after D-day & we now have 2 young grandsons).
I told him I need to hear him say how much I mean to him, how much he wants our marriage to work, how much he wants to be with me for the rest of our lives... and he just can't initiate those type of sentences.
I have said the same thing, more often than I can number - parallel lives?
There were many things to be thankful for this weekend. Yes, I'm thankful I still have him as my partner, but it also terrifies me without that communication that I crave.

I share this sentiment with you also... and I am over 4 yrs out from D-day.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was a tough Easter for me. I celebrated alone in my home with my 2 dachshunds. I skyped with my folks back east, and then went to check FB to see if my dog-sitter had contacted me (I'll be going out of town in the relatively near future for a week). Instead the first picture I saw was WW and her family posed for the Easter Picture. This is the first easter in 14 years that we did not celebrate together.

Its been a rough week. I had a session with my IC; we had talked re possibly starting EMDR tonight, but went with a regular session instead. I have a hard time asking for help, even from close friends. I have a few that know the situation, but I tend to shy away from contacting them when I'm having a really bad time or leaning on them too much. My IC listened, and reiterated on more than one occasion that I appear to be isolating myself, and said that is not good. My IC wanted me to work on that, on letting people in more. She even suggested I simply ask them if it would be ok to just meet and talk, to reach out.

I came home to gather the documents and figures I would need to deal with a possible mortgage adjustment. WW called and it turned into an hour long, very unpleasant discussion. By the time we finally got off the phone, I was a complete emotional wreck.

Normally, this would end up with me agonizing for hours alone; instead, I decided I might try to reach out per my IC. I actually called one of my friends who knows whats going on on my cell, chickened out, and hung up. They called right back, and I was so choked up I had a hard time talking. I asked if we could meet and talk; my friend said yes and we met within 15 minutes of the call at a local but quiet coffee shop. We talked for an hour; it really helped. Next time though, I'm going to remember to order decaf in the evening. Time for one last cigarette and then its time to try to get some sleep before I have to get up for work in 5 hours. Good night all SAB forum members.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
OnceWasEnough
♀ Member
Member # 29991
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On Monday, FWH came home from his SAB therapy all gloomy. Later that evening I tried to get him to talk, not necessarily about his therapy, but about anything. He refused.

The next day I wallowed in my own self pity about his A and the reprecussions it has induced. It took me nearly 5 years to get over his last A so many many years ago. How can I get over this one?

I don't think I ever really overcame my own parent's divorce and the horrendous way my father allowed us to starve while he chased after the single and married women in our community, spending all his money on them while my own mother worked three jobs to support 3 children.

So in perspective, my FWH knew he would lose it all if he chose to act out too. I made it known to him well in advance.

But why didn't I act on it? Why didn't I leave him the first time around?

With the first A, he cried suicide. I seriously felt he would go through with it and I could not carry that on my shoulders the rest of my life. Yes, he attended IC, but I now know not all was revealed by FWH back then.

I suppose if this site was available 20 years ago, there's no telling what I would have done.

Fast forward 21 or so years and he does it again, has another A. This time the A is still active when I uncover it and I have two D-days before he finally stops all contact with her. On D-day #2, he finally gets close to hitting his low and a day later as I grill him about his integrity, he finally hits bottom and collapses in mental pain and anguish. The abuse is finally outed to me. His own father, for whom I knew had a shady past, used FWH during his childhood for his own sexual gratification.

Everything finally fell into place.

I suggest to FWH that he stop lying to his IC and tell him the truth. My FWH needed to understand that his therapy would never progress unless the therapist truly understood the root of the depression, low self esteem and chronic lying. I can now fully see and understand the cause and effect of the SAB, the negativity and depression which developed in his mindset over the years. The compartments that grew in his head, how he was able to conciously/unconciously hide things from me.

FWH finally commits himself to getting better and begins opening up to his therapist. At the same time my own IC tells me of a SAB specialist located in the building he practices out of. As the weeks go by, FWH feels stalled in his therapy so I suggest he meet with the specialist. He does and finds he likes him much better. A contract is signed, FWH cannot release any aspect of his therapy to the outside world, not even to me.

I'm so ready for FWH to become a better person and respect himself above all else. I couldn't wait for him to sign the contract.

So, yeah, I have pity parties every once in awhile, but I deal with it. No one except me knows what FWH is going through. I wish he would tell his siblings, they probably all have something in common.............


BW-51, WH-54, M-32yrs, 2 grown DD's, DD#1-OW#1 1988, DD#2,3,4,5,6,7,8-OW#2 9/10, 10/10, 12/11, 8/12, 10/12, 12/12, 2/13 Just too many to matter anymore.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Oregon
CanISurvive
♂ Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, May 1st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OnceWasEnough)))

I'll keep you in my thoughts; hope you are able to continue moving forward in a positive way.

Quote from OnceWasEnough:
"...my FWH knew he would lose it all if he chose to act out too. I made it known to him well in advance.

But why didn't I act on it? Why didn't I leave him the first time around?"

There were infidelity issues for my parents, my WW's parents, and we were both cheated on by past partners. We had always told each other it would be a "deal breaker" ... but I too had been willing to try to fix/move past it. Unfortunately, my WW chose the other woman (girl really; she was just 18 at the time) over our 14 years together.

(Edited because I don't know now to propperly capture & include a quote. )

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 4:45 AM, May 1st (Sunday)]


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
genie1
♀ New Member
Member # 32040
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if anyone here can help me. I'm new to SI. Just discovered H has had OEA for 5 weeks. Completely out of character, I thought, but he has also admitted he has been using porn sites for years. A was not really emotional - cyber sex, and i believe him when he says he has no feelings for the OW (she asked for cell phone no., he said no). Lots of the online chat took place when he was in public, and it seems to be less that he actually wanted to use the chat to do anything sexual, as to make himself feel masculine.

I have known since I met H that there was a single incident in his past when he was 12 where his older brother tried to have sex with him. His brother is homosexual. I had tried to get him to talk about this, but he always said it wasn't a problem.

Talking about the A this week it has come up again. What in the past he had always brushed off now seems more serious; he now says he isn't sure what happened. I think H has always been anxious about his sexuality and his masculinity, although I don't think he is gay. I am wondering whether this one incident might have played a role in the porn sites, need for this kind of sex chat. But because of his brother being involved I don't know what to do or say. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2011 | From: uk
OnceWasEnough
♀ Member
Member # 29991
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Genie1)))
Hugs to you Genie1.

Based on your description, I wonder if your H encountered more with his brother than he is actually rembering. Could sexual contact have occurred and it wasn't until he was 12 that he finally fought back?

I certainly recommend that he find a SAB specialist for therapy. He needs to uncover the true facts of his abuse and understand how it is affecting not only his life but yours too.

My FWH was also into Porno, but not as far as the Cyber sex or contact with partners on Craigslist. He primarily loved to surf a multitude of sites.

The SAB therapy has been a lifesaver for us because my FWH is going through this in an attempt to turn himself around, build his self-esteem become an individual with a concious, close those confusing compartments in his brain for good and in the long run, save our marriage.

"Once"


BW-51, WH-54, M-32yrs, 2 grown DD's, DD#1-OW#1 1988, DD#2,3,4,5,6,7,8-OW#2 9/10, 10/10, 12/11, 8/12, 10/12, 12/12, 2/13 Just too many to matter anymore.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Oregon
OnceWasEnough
♀ Member
Member # 29991
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"CanISurvive"

I think hugs are in order for you too. I'm sorry that your WW turned on you with a female liaison. I always thought I could deal with an affair better if the other partner was the same gender as my WH, but now I question that.

It doesn't matter what the gender is, the pain is still there and quite real.

Hugs to all who go through such pain and suffering....


BW-51, WH-54, M-32yrs, 2 grown DD's, DD#1-OW#1 1988, DD#2,3,4,5,6,7,8-OW#2 9/10, 10/10, 12/11, 8/12, 10/12, 12/12, 2/13 Just too many to matter anymore.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Oregon
genie1
♀ New Member
Member # 32040
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OWE:

Thanks. There definitely was more, at least at that time: what he initially said was a one off now clearly happened on at least 2 days during a family holiday. And I think he is afraid there is more, although he is saying there isn't.

I have managed to find some support lines in the UK to call for advice. Am so confused: still trying to process the OA myself, and now trying to understand this and support the person who has hurt me.

Genie


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2011 | From: uk
Inchoate
♀ Member
Member # 9065
Flame  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish her grandfather were still alive so I could torture him to death. He's ruined all of our lives with his filth. I'm so worn out with it all, and trying to keep from raising another generation of broken, dysfunctional children.

I would happily spend the rest of my life in prison if I could go back in time with a knife and stab him through his black heart. And feed him his diseased balls.


Former Wayward Ninja, recovered
"The shadows tell us where the light is" (my DD@3)
"Growing up is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it." (Agliarept)

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